


On the Verge of Something

by VampireNaomi



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Break Up, F/M, Family, Getting Together, Homophobia, M/M, Slice of Life, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-09 08:00:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 203,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1975128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireNaomi/pseuds/VampireNaomi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As he watches the people he loves get married to each other, Lovino Vargas is sure his romantic life is doomed to suck forever. But working through his normal days with his family and friends helps him realise that things are rarely as simple as one predicts. Slice of life comedy/romance with some angst thrown in. Starts out as Greece/Romano, becomes Prussia/Romano. Other pairings in the background. See A/N for better details.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story I originally wrote on the Hetalia kink meme. The version I'm posting here is more or less the same, except that I've edited it a little to remove typos and to make the story flow better. The story is long, so you can scroll down to the end for more details about the pairings because I don't want to trick anyone into reading the story by giving the impression that their favourite pairing gets more time in the spotlight than it actually does.
> 
> The beginning features one-sided Spain/Romano and Romano/Belgium, but nothing comes out of either pairing.
> 
> I will do my best to update the story every Friday with as many chapters as I've been able to edit. If you don't want to wait, the full fic is here: http://hetalia-kink.dreamwidth.org/81939.html?thread=504488211#cmt504488211

Lovino was pretty sure the universe was having fun at his expense. The punchline had been delivered earlier that day when his best friend had slipped a ring on the finger of his other best friend. It had been supposed to be a joyous occasion for everyone – and he was happy, dammit, but it was more complicated than that – but all through the ceremony and the following celebration, he hadn't been able to shake off the feeling that he was the victim of the world's greatest prank.

Growing up hadn't been easy for him. His difficult personality had made sure that most people didn't have the patience to get close to him, and his defence mechanism to that had been to push them away even harder. Even now that he was supposed to be a functional adult, he was still learning that he couldn't be truly happy if he didn't take a risk and open up enough to give people the chance to hurt him.

Antonio had been the first person to break through his barriers. Well, other than his brother and the rest of his family, but they didn't count because family stuck together whether they liked it or not. Antonio's folks had moved down the street when Lovino had been nine, and after somewhat of a rocky start, he had found his best friend in the older boy. In some ways, he had looked up to him as the big brother he didn't have.

That, however, had gradually changed towards the end of the first act of the tragicomedy that was the life of Lovino Vargas. When he had been thirteen, he had begun to realise that he the reason he was always so happy to see Antonio wasn't entirely because he was his best friend. Some time later, he had woken up with a wet spot on his boxers and the uncomfortable gut feeling that he had just dreamt of Antonio.

He had been terrified out of his mind. He had started paying attention in mass, had dug out the cross his grandmother had given him when he had been five, and had spent countless agonizing evenings pacing up and down the street and casting unsure looks towards the church, wondering if he should go inside and get this out of his chest – but oh God, what if someone found out and what if they kicked him out of the house and what if Antonio hated him?

So, he hadn't gone to the church. He hadn't talked to anyone and had tried to act normal, even though Antonio's constant hugs and touching had sent his skin on fire and made him squirm even more than usual. He had hated and liked it at the same time, but the worst had been the mish-mash of conflicting emotions and fear of being abnormal.

It had been the worst year of his life, but then rescue had arrived in the form of Giulia's boobs. She had moved to Rome from Crotone and had come to their class. The first time Lovino had seen her, he had been stunned into silence. For a month after that, his mind had been occupied with her curves and olive skin. Then there had been Sara, and then Francesca, his first girlfriend – if sloppy pecks on the lips behind the teachers' backs and a few shared ice creams counted, but hey, they were experience.

Lovino had figured that he was normal after all and had thrown all of his energy into charming half the girls in his class. It hadn't always worked, but it had been fun, and there was no describing the relief he had felt when he had realised that getting to hold Patrizia's hand was nice. 

It had taken several years before this firm belief had been shattered, and it had once again happened because of Antonio. 

When Lovino had been sixteen, Antonio had gone to spend the summer with his cousins in Spain. Nothing about him had changed when he had come back, but the time apart had made Lovino realise just how much he had missed him. All the conflicting emotions had come back, stronger than before, and assaulted his world like a tornado. It had taken a lot of angry shouting, slamming doors, avoiding his family and finally a teary confrontation with his grandfather before he had been able to admit to himself that maybe he didn't like just girls but boys as well.

Unlike he had expected, his family had been nothing but supportive. His brother had spent ten seconds mulling it over before asking if anyone else was up for gelato. His grandmother had hugged him and kissed him and told him that there was nothing wrong with him, and his grandfather had proudly declared that now he could be sure his Lovino would find the best and most gorgeous lover in the world since he wasn't restricted by gender.

He had needed a little more time before he had found the courage to tell Antonio, but he had taken it just as well. What he hadn't told him – and it was his secret to this very day and would always stay so – was that he maybe had something resembling a crush on him. Antonio wasn't like him, he knew. If he had been, he would have told him ages ago.

Accepting that Antonio would never be anything but a friend to him hadn't been easy, but he had gradually got over it and begun to search elsewhere. A few casual relationships here, going on a couple of dates there. However, nobody had really caught his attention until he had bumped into the Belgian exchange student in the supermarket. 

Isabelle Guillaume was a linguistics major who had come to Italy as an Erasmus student because she felt unhappy with the direction her life was taking and had thought a change of scenery might help her get her priorities straight. Lovino had hit if off with her at once; they had spent countless hours strolling the streets and sitting at cafés, talking about everything that came to mind. He wasn't sure which of them had been more successful at charming the other – he with all the Italian pastries and candy he gave her or she with the smile that made him think of the Mona Lisa.

Eventually, he had introduced her to Antonio. After all, it was only natural that his best friend got to know the future Mrs. Vargas, right? Everything had been perfect at first. The three of them had got along wonderfully, and Belle's Italian had improved heaps with their help. She had been particularly talented at picking up Lovino's colourful language that he sometimes let slip in her company despite his attempts to act like a gentleman.

But then Antonio and Belle had started looking more at each other than him when they went out. They had begun to laugh at each other's jokes in ways that they never did at Lovino's. There had been warm glances as their hands casually brushed against each other. After that, they had started to go out without asking him to join them. Lovino hadn't been one bit surprised when they had announced that they were dating and that Belle wouldn't be going back to Belgium after her exchange year was over. Disappointed and angry, sure, but not surprised.

Flashforward to a year and a half later and here he was, the bestman at a wedding that had done a great job at crushing every serious romantic dream he'd ever had. The only two people he had ever been truly interested in were off limits. Even worse, they had each other. He was being a dick, he knew, but he couldn't help but resent them for that. It would have been easier if they had both found someone else.

It wasn't as if he wasn't happy for them. Apart from his family, Antonio and Belle were the most important people in his life. If they wanted to be happy together, so fucking be it. He wouldn't try to stop them. He'd keep his mouth shut and never let them know that watching them cut the cake together and feed pieces to each other made him feel like someone was making _coratella_ out of his heart.

He grabbed his wine and took a generous gulp as he observed the scene around him. He had held off the alcohol earlier because everyone had bugged him until he had agreed to give a speech. He might have been feeling sour about the wedding, but he wasn't so much of a dick that he wanted to ruin Antonio and Belle's day by accidentally slipping out something that nobody was meant to hear.

It hadn't been a large celebration. Antonio's job as a gardener didn't pay all that well, so the party had been scraped together by his vast circle of friends. Someone's uncle owned a nice house with enough room for all the guests and had let them have it for a day. The wedding cake had been provided by Antonio's idiot friend from France; Belle's brother had flown over and brought chocolate; Lovino and Feliciano had helped with the rest of the menú, and many of their friends could play countless catchy songs with the guitar.

At first Antonio had objected to that, saying that he couldn't have his friends arrange everything for him, but nobody had listened. He had helped them out countless times, they had argued. Antonio never stopped to think about himself and his own problems when his friends were in trouble and was willing to skip as many meals as necessary if someone else was short on cash and couldn't pay their rent. And he never asked for the money back.

“Lovi!” 

He looked up to see Antonio hurrying towards him, an exhausted but happy smile on his face. His hair had turned into a mess and he had lost his tie somewhere during the evening, but he was positively glowing. He looked gorgeous, and if Lovino hadn't given up all hope of having him years ago, it would have been devastating to see him like that. Now it only stung.

“What now?” he asked.

Antonio let out a long sigh as he claimed the empty seat by Lovino's side.

“I just wanted to thank you again. I know you're the one who organized half of this, and I can't even say how grateful I am. Belle is so great and I really wanted this to be a special day for her, but I wouldn't have been able to give her any of this without everyone's help.”

Lovino snorted into his wine. “Like she gives a damn about how many layers the wedding cake has. Do you think she would have said yes if she cared about anything but you? You could have got married in a gutter, and she would have still been the happiest woman on Earth.”

“I guess you're right,” Antonio said with a laugh and reached out to wrap his arm over Lovino's shoulder. “But I'm still so happy that you'd all do something like this for me.”

That's because you're such a great guy, Lovino thought. And so was Belle. She and Antonio were both so amazing, beautiful, selfless, positive, helpful... The list went on and on. They were perfect for each other. No wonder neither of them had given a serious thought to going out with him.

“Anyway,” Antonio continued, “I think we'll stay for a few more dances and then we'll be off. We have to get up early tomorrow and start driving so that we'll make it to the house Gilbert arranged for us before the afternoon.”

“Your stupid boss could have given you more than two days off so that you could have a proper honeymoon,” Lovino grumbled.

“It's okay. I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway, and Belle is pretty busy with her studies. She wants to graduate by the end of the year so that she can quit at the café and start looking for another job.”

Lovino acknowledged these words with a grunt. Belle had changed her major at some point and was now pursuing a degree that would let her work as a kindergarten teacher. It wasn't a job that would pay her all that well, but she looked much happier these days than when he had first met her.

“Aren't you going to come and dance?” Antonio asked.

“No, I've had enough. My shoes are killing me, and I want to be able to stand tomorrow.”

“Oh, okay. But if you change your mind, join us! I want to see you smile one more time today!”

Lovino watched Antonio go back to join the others. He wasn't really up for dancing, but he couldn't help but feel a little lonely and miserable as everyone else drifted to the empty space on the cobblestone yard that served as their dance floor. Feliciano had found some pretty girl to attach himself to, and their laughter rang loud against the music.

I have no idea why I do this to myself, Lovino thought as he tried his best to look like he had a purpose sitting alone at his table while everyone else was having fun. All he had to do was go out there and join them. There was no reason to stay here and sulk.

“Hey.”

He looked up to see someone approaching him and searched his memory to find a name he could attach to the pale face and the hair that was so blond it was almost white. The guy was Antonio's friend, so he was sure he should have remembered who he was. Antonio was the kind of person who didn't understand the concept of multiple social circles. He thought it was only natural that if he was friends with two people, those two were friends as well. As such, he was always inviting Lovino to things even though he had told him countless times that he didn't want to hang out with a bunch of total strangers.

This guy was... Damn, he should have known him. There was something familiar about him, so he was sure they had been at a party together or maybe gone to the pool with Antonio. He just couldn't recognise him right now.

“Uh, hey,” he replied, hoping that the other would let something slip that would reveal his identity.

“So, what are you sitting here all alone for?”

Ah, now Lovino remembered. Gilbert Beil-whatever-the-fuck. There was no mistaking that accent that sounded like he had a fork stuck down his throat. He was used to seeing Gilbert in old T-shirts and dirty jeans, so the suit and hair that almost looked like he had combed it that day had distracted him for a moment.

Gilbert was German and had been living in Italy for about a year now. Lovino had no idea what he was doing in Rome or how he and Antonio had got to know each other, and he couldn't say he was all that interested in finding out. Gilbert didn't seem like the kind of guy he wanted to include in his life, so he had been doing his best to avoid him.

“What do you want?” he asked.

Gilbert took a seat. “Just came to see what you're doing. Aren't you the bestman? Why is it your brother and not you who's giving the bridesmaid the time of her life over there?”

“I didn't come to this wedding to pick up women.”

“That's the best reason to be at weddings! Don't tell me you've never crashed a complete stranger's party just to get some free cake and chat up the bride's sister.”

“I've got more class than that. And I bet stunts like that never work, except in shitty movies.”

“At least the cake is always good.”

Lovino let out an indifferent sound and turned his attention back to the others who were dancing. Most of his friends were dating or had hit it off with some of the other guests, so he couldn't help but feel a little left out. It wouldn't have usually been such an issue, but the way Antonio had his hands on Belle's waist and how she reached up to ruffle his hair reminded him all too clearly of the fact that he was alone.

“So, did you hear that I arranged a house for Antonio and Belle's honeymoon?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah, me and everyone else, I bet. I'm sure you haven't shut up about it all evening.”

“Why should I? It was the best present in the bunch! Without me, they'd have to stay in town.”

Okay, Lovino could admit that much. Nobody in their circle of friends was exactly wealthy. They all got by, but even if they had all put their extra cash together, they probably wouldn't have been able to get Antonio and Belle a nice place to stay for the few days they could afford to take off from work.

“It had better not be some shitty shack with no running water. How did you even get it?”

He realised that he didn't know what Gilbert did for a living, if anything. Judging by the fashion catastrophe he considered casual clothing and how he was always mooching off on someone else, he had often thought he was just an unemployed bum. But if he could arrange a house in the countryside on short notice, he had to have something up his sleeve.

Gilbert grinned at him. “That's my awesome secret.”

“Like I even care.”

“But you still haven't answered my question. Why are you here?”

Because I have a broken heart, you dumb fuck.

“I'm tired. Who do you think organized half of this and stayed up until three gluing little sparkly hearts into the napkins?”

“Oh, that was you? I thought Francis did that. I didn't realise you were into such girly stuff.”

Lovino wasn't, but he had remembered how, back in the beginning when he had still thought he had a chance with Belle, she had sheepishly told him that she had always wanted a cliché princess wedding. They couldn't afford anything like that, but dammit, he could get her glittering napkins for her special day even if it was the last thing he ever did.

“What about you? Why are here?” he asked.

Gilbert leaned back on his seat. “Oh, well, you know. I already danced with all the free chicks, and nobody measured up to my standards, so I'm just chilling for now.”

Yeah, right. Lovino had seen at least Maria, Elena and Lucrezia give Gilbert the cold shoulder. Elena had even looked ready to pour punch down his pants if he didn't back off.

He didn't want to lump himself in the same group, but he couldn't help but think that they were just two idiots sitting on the sidelines of a party because they weren't good enough for anyone.

“You wanna dance?” Gilbert asked all of a sudden.

“What?”

“If we just stay here, the others will think we're losers.”

“No, they won't. They're too busy having fun to notice us.”

“That's even worse.” Gilbert thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, I'm not going to let my reputation get ruined like this. Come on!”

Before Lovino could object, Gilbert had grabbed his hand and pulled him up on his feet. He staggered after him until they reached the others just as a new song started. They hadn't been able to afford a live band, so someone had burned a CD mix of Antonio and Belle's favourite songs. The one that started playing now was some Spanish pop song from the 90s that Lovino had had to listen to at Antonio's place for more times than he cared to count.

“Now I know why nobody wants to dance with you. I don't even recognise those moves,” he said.

“They're my own! I've improved this thing!”

“Or you just don't know how to dance.”

Then again, that was like blaming a chicken for not being able to fly. Gilbert had Germanic blood flowing in his veins, so was it any surprise that he moved like a marionette with a few cut strings?

“Or I just refuse to be bound by rules!”

“So that's why you've already made a dozen grammatical mistakes.”

It probably wasn't fair to make fun of Gilbert's Italian. At least it was understandable, and Lovino still had nightmares about his English classes at school, so he knew how difficult it was to use a foreign language. To actually live in a foreign country and be forced to do everything in a language that wasn't his was quite a feat.

But Gilbert didn't seem offended. He flashed him a grin and stopped moving when the song began to fade away.

“If you've kept count, I guess that means you've been paying attention to what I say.”

Was that flirting? Lovino was usually good at telling when people were trying to make a move on him, but he was better at reading women than men. He'd had a few casual flings with guys and even one relationship that lasted nearly three months, but he tended to stick to women because they were easier to understand and because he felt that when he was with them, he knew what kind of role was expected of him.

But even more importantly, what did he think of Gilbert maybe flirting with him? He wasn't the kind of guy Lovino usually described as his type – he liked masculine men with tanned skin and some body hair. Gilbert was the complete opposite, too pale, too lanky. The only thing about his looks that wasn't bland were his eyes.

He didn't even know him, but – oh, fuck, who cared? It wouldn't be the first time he had a short thing with someone just because he felt like it. And he sure felt like it now. After spending the whole day watching Antonio and Belle make each other beam, he needed someone to hold him and make him feel good, even if it was only a one-time thing. It wasn't like he and Gilbert were friends, so they had nothing to lose.

“Hardly,” he said. “But I can always start if you can think of something worthwhile to say.”

“Well, what would you like to hear?”

But the next song was starting, and it was a waltz, so Lovino grabbed Gilbert's hand and placed it on his shoulder. The other man looked a little startled and stumbled with his first steps, but he quickly covered it up with a grin.

“I'm usually the one who leads,” Gilbert pointed out.

“Then I hope you like trying out new things.”

Gilbert's laughter had an awkward edge to it, and somehow Lovino almost found that endearing. Who would have thought that the self-centred ass had a shy side? Maybe he was one of those guys who were all talk without anything to back it up.

It was a little strange to dance with a man like this, but they weren't the only such couple, so Lovino didn't think anyone was paying any special attention to them. Even if someone was, it wasn't out of the ordinary for friends to dance together when they wanted to goof around or when there weren't any partners of the opposite sex available.

They danced through several more songs and didn't stop even when Antonio and Belle left. Lovino found it beyond liberating to forget about them and how much his love life sucked, instead focusing on the rhythm of the music, his own rising heartbeat and the pleasant heat that brought colour to his cheeks and a thin layer of sweat to his skin.

“I need another beer,” Gilbert announced.

Lovino followed him to where the remaining drinks were. They were out of wine by now, so he grabbed a paper cup and filled it with water that was stale but felt heavenly as he swallowed it.

“You sure like dancing. With the way you were sulking to yourself earlier, I wasn't expecting that,” Gilbert said.

“There isn't much else to do here now that people are leaving.”

Gilbert's grin widened. “Are you kidding? This is always the best part. Now's the time when you pick up someone and take her home.”

“No candidates in sight,” Lovino pointed out, scanning the nearly empty dance floor.

Gilbert finished his can of beer and tossed it away. “There's still time. The best catch could be right there when you least expect it.”

If that wasn't an opening, Lovino didn't know what was. With a snort, he slipped a hand to Gilbert's waist and pulled him closer, earning himself a surprised bark of laughter that further encouraged him.

“What, another dance? Aren't you getting tired of –”

Lovino silenced Gilbert with a kiss. It was a bolder move than what he was used to, but he figured they were past tiptoeing around each other and could go straight to the point. They'd have to wait until later before they could go to his place since they had both drunk too much and Feliciano was his designated driver, but a little making out to get into the mood couldn't hurt.

Except that Gilbert wasn't responding to his kiss. His lips weren't moving, and the body that Lovino was holding had grown so stiff that it was almost like he was handling an iron bar. Confused, he pulled back.

“Um...” Gilbert was staring at him with bewildered eyes.

“What?”

“I'm not gay!”

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Lovino let out the most detailed and colourful profanity he knew and buried his face into his hands. Holy hell, it was a while since he had messed up like this. And he wasn't even drunk enough to use that as an excuse!

He tried to force something coherent out of his throat. “Listen. That was –”

“You know, I think I'll just go over there to... to do stuff. Bye!”

When Lovino found the courage to take a peek from behind his fingers, Gilbert was gone. He drew a deep breath and gritted his teeth, trying to pick up the pieces of his dignity but finding it quite a tiresome thing to do.

Fucking hell, he thought. Nobody wanted him. Not Antonio, not Belle, and not even that German krautbrain.

But it's not your fault, his pride tried to argue over the sound of his emotional balance being ground to dust. Okay, so maybe it had been a bit of a jerk move to kiss a near stranger out of nowhere like that, but Gilbert had no reason to act like he had just taken a dump on him. He wouldn't have run off like that if a woman had kissed him without a warning, would he?

He's just a homophobic ass, Lovino decided. Good thing he had found out now and not later so that he didn't have to waste any more time on him. Heck, maybe he'd tell Antonio all about this after he came back from his honeymoon so that he'd know to cut off all ties with Gilbert.

Now, where the hell was Feliciano? The party had grown sour even beyond his expectations, and it was time for them to leave. Even if he had to drag his brother away from on top of his conquest of the night, they were getting into the car and driving straight home right now.

It took him nearly an hour before he finally discovered his brother and the pretty bridesmaid whose name was apparently Michela since that was what Feliciano was moaning when Lovino found them. He wasn't completely heartless, so he gave them a few minutes to finish and make themselves presentable, and went outside to wait, even if he was already plotting to force Feliciano to do his shift at work next Saturday as compensation.

Almost everyone had left now, and the front yard had grown quiet. There were paper cups, plastic forks and all kinds of trash everywhere. Seeing the glittery napkins he had made trampled on the ground was pretty damn poetic. 

He shoved his hands into his pockets and decided to go and help the guy who was blowing off all the candles they had used as lightning.

“Oh, hey,” the man said when he noticed Lovino. “Good thing you showed up.”

“Why's that?”

“That German guy is passed out on the porch. I've been trying to find someone who knows him. I saw you with him earlier, so you'll take him home, right?”

“What? No, I –”

“Great, thanks! For a moment there I thought I'd have to bring him to my place, but I don't know him at all.”

“I have no idea where he lives!”

“I'm sure he'll make it there himself when he wakes up. He just needs a roof over his head for the night. It's not like we can leave him here.”

Oh, yes, we can, Lovino thought. He made a grumpy face as he walked up to the porch and saw the pathetic, snoring heap under the table. So, apparently being kissed by a man was such a blow to this idiot's manhood that he had decided to drink the memory away. What an ass. He deserved to be left here for the night so that he'd sleep in that position and have one hell of a backache in the morning.

But suppose something happened at night. Anyone could come here, thinking that there was something to pinch after the wedding. The guy from earlier had made Gilbert Lovino's responsibility, and if something went wrong, everyone would blame him.

With a disgusted sigh, Lovino figured that he had no choice but to take this dumbass home with him to sober up a little. Now he certainly knew that the universe had chosen him as the victim of the grandest prank in history.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Giorgio is Seborga.

Lovino woke up to the sound of a heavy thump. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter and buried his face into his pillow, ready to fall back asleep because his head was stuffy and his limbs heavy, and he just didn't want to look for the energy to move a muscle. And he might have succeeded in reaching this goal if the thump hadn't been followed by muffled profanities in a guttural language that he didn't understand.

He sat up on his bed, suddenly alert. He had no idea what the words meant, but the fact that he was hearing them carried more than enough meaning to his liking. Memories of the wedding, the party, the goddamn kiss and how he and Feliciano had had to carry the passed-out idiot into their car and then stop twice on their way home so that he wouldn't throw up on the backseat all flashed before his eyes.

“So, you woke up,” he stated.

The answer he got was a low moan as Gilbert tried to curl up into a ball on the floor. Upon arriving home the previous night, Lovino had grudgingly agreed to let him bunk on the couch in his room. It was mostly because Feliciano didn't have one in his and because he didn't want anyone else to find out there was a guest staying over. The last time Lovino had as much as said hello to the new mailman, his grandfather had been ready to declare him part of the family. If he found out about Gilbert, he'd probably try to get them married, legal or not.

He waited a moment to see if there was going to be another response from Gilbert. When none came, he let out a sigh and got out of bed. He walked over to the other man and gave him a rough poke with his toe. 

“Hey, get up. I'm not going to let you make my room ugly any longer than necessary.”

“Mnngggh... what?”

“I said, get out, bastard!”

Raising his voice made Gilbert open his eyes. At first there was nothing but dull confusion in them, but then his mind seemed to start processing something – it appeared miracles did happen, Lovino figured – because an alarmed look came over his features.

“Shit! What happened? Where am I?”

“Can't remember anything, huh? You're at my place.”

Gilbert spent a moment looking at him like he had no idea what he was talking about, but then his eyes widened.

“Wait, you're the guy who... you, uh...”

“Lovino, and yeah, I kissed you. I can apologize for surprising you like that but that's it. If you can't handle one kiss from another guy –”

“Did anything happen last night?”

The near panic in Gilbert's voice made Lovino shut up and swallow the rest of his rant. The hell? He was used to getting awkwardness from straight guys who didn't know how to act around him, but Gilbert actually seemed terrified of him. It brought a sour taste to his mouth that had nothing to do with the wine he had drunk the previous night.

“No,” he snapped. “You were so drunk that you couldn't have got it up even if you had tried. I dumped you on my couch to sober up, and now you're going to get your ass off the floor, walk out the door and never come back.”

Gilbert let out a sigh of relief as he reached up to rub his eyes. “Oh, good. It's not that I have anything against you people, but I just don't swing that way. At all. So I have no problem with guys like you as long as you –”

“Don't shove it to your face, don't look at you, don't talk to you and blah blah,” Lovino finished for him, his opinion of Gilbert sinking even further. “I've heard this all before, so save your breath and just leave.”

“Why am I even here?”

“Because you were passed out and nobody else there knew you, so they forced me to look after you.”

“Right, okay. For a while there I figured you brought me home because you wanted to continue where you left off.”

“How? You were too drunk and –” Lovino cut himself off, realising what Gilbert was getting at. Oh, great. He might have been able to let the other things slide because Gilbert was clearly a total loser with issues, but this was too much.

He walked to the door and kicked it open, enjoying the bang that echoed through the entire house. Good thing only Feliciano was home or there might be some questions he didn't feel like answering.

“You. Out.”

Gilbert groaned as he forced himself up on his feet. “Can't I at least have some coffee before I go?”

“After you called me a rapist? No chance in hell.”

“Hey, I didn't say that!”

Lovino gave the door another kick because he loved the way it made Gilbert wince. He probably had one heck of a headache. 

“You implied it. Same thing. Get out.”

To his credit, Gilbert didn't try to argue. He staggered past him and to the stairs, pulling at the jacket of his suit in a futile attempt to make it look like he hadn't slept in it. Since he hadn't even tried to apologize, Lovino figured he either didn't realise or didn't care that he was being an asshole. Either way, he was very glad when he could slam the door shut, go back to bed and avoid thinking about his life for a little bit longer.

He was just about to fall asleep when his senses were assaulted by the scent of fresh coffee. Feliciano must have got up early. Lovino did his best to ignore how he could almost taste the espresso on his tongue, but in the end he had no choice but to give in to the temptation and climb out of bed again.

The way from his room to the kitchen was covered in discarded clothes, a shovel someone had needed in the garden and had for some reason brought inside, empty cardboard boxes and books that nobody had any interested in reading but which they didn't want to throw away. There had been a time when the house hadn't looked like it was turning into a junk yard, but things had been going downhill ever since Lovino's grandmother had died a little over a year ago. Now there was no female presence in the house, and while he, his brother, his grandfather and his cousin could all cook, that was where their domestic skills ended.

“Shit,” Lovino muttered when he noticed the garbage bags that were leaning against the wall. He had been telling someone to take those out for days.

“Feli, give me some damn coffee right now or else I'll –”

But he never finished that because he realised that his brother wasn't in the kitchen and that it wasn't he who had made the coffee.

His grandfather was sitting at the table, grinning from ear to ear. His cup of coffee stood forgotten before him because he was so engaged in conversation with the person seated before him. It could have been a normal sight because their door was always open for friends, but it was far from it because Gilbert Beilschmidt was not a friend.

“Didn't I tell you to get the fuck out of here?”

His grandfather raised a hand in greeting. “Lovino! Good morning! How was the wedding?”

“Grandpa, why are you here? You're supposed to be at work!”

“Giorgio is handling the shop today. I decided it's a good test for him to be alone for the morning.”

“Great, we'll probably be bankrupt before noon.” Lovino dug himself a cup from the pile on the counter and poured some coffee into it. He leaned against the sink and nodded at Gilbert. “And you had better explain what you're still doing here.”

“Well, I –”

“Now, now, Lovino. That's not how you greet your boyfriend. When your grandmother was still alive, the first thing I told her every single morning was that I love her. In fact, I still do because I'm sure she's listening!”

“He's not my boyfriend,” Lovino said, some of his anger fading. No matter how much he tried, he just couldn't bring himself to truly yell at his grandfather.

The old man lifted his brows but quickly nodded. “Oh, a one night case, then. I hope you kids had fun. But my point still stands because even if you only sleep together once, you should still be civil to each other. Unless it was really, really bad, but even then there's no need to be hostile.”

“We didn't do anything,” Gilbert chimed in.

“What? Come on, Lovino. Don't tell me you picked someone up at a wedding, brought him home and then didn't enjoy the spoils!”

“He's right. Nothing happened.”

His grandfather turned towards Gilbert with an apologetic look. “I'm sorry. Lovino usually takes after me, but I guess even my perfect genes can sometimes fail.”

Lovino downed his coffee with one gulp, glad that it was hot because it let him pretend that the heat that was rising to his cheeks was because of the beverage and not because he was discussing his sex life with his grandfather over breakfast. At least he could take some comfort in the fact that Gilbert looked like he was feeling even more awkward.

“I brought him here because he was drunk off his ass and nobody else knew what to do with him! And he was supposed to be on his way home already, but then you had to go and invite him over for coffee!”

“I thought he was my new son-in-law! I wanted to get to know him!”

“I should go,” Gilbert said, avoiding looking at them both. He took a peek into his cup of coffee, saw it was still half-full and spent a moment contemplating his next move before pouring all of it down his throat and getting up in a haste. “Thanks for the coffee.”

Lovino followed him to the door to make sure that this time he really did leave. It was always possible that Feliciano would waltz down the stairs and invite the idiot for lunch, too.

“Is your grandfather's name really Romulus?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah, so?”

“Isn't that a little odd? Like calling someone Zeus or something?”

“My family's naming traditions aren't any of your business!”

“Hey, sheesh. Calm down! I know you must be bummed that I'm not into you, but no need to be like that.”

Lovino directed a thoughtful look at Gilbert. He was no longer a nervous wreck like when he had woken up. His confidence and overblown sense of self-worth were right back where they belonged. Maybe it was an act, or maybe he had had some time to think things over and had realised that being approached by another man wasn't an attack.

“I stopped caring about that once I realised what an idiot you are. And besides, I only kissed you because –” Lovino cut himself off, realising that he didn't want to explain this to anyone, especially not Gilbert. If he told him he had been feeling down because his love life sucked, he might figure out who he was pining for. 

“Because I was the hottest guy around?”

“Because there was nobody else there and I had a moment of weakness! The wine was probably bad. But my standards are back to normal, so show yourself out and stop bothering us.”

“Okay, I'm going!”

Lovino watched Gilbert hop down the old stairs and stagger out the gate. He let out a sigh of relief when he was finally gone from sight and leaned against the door to gather his thoughts. That could have gone better, but at least he could now put the mess behind him. As soon as Antonio came back from his honeymoon, he'd tell him never to invite him and Gilbert anywhere at the same time.

No, scratch that, he decided as he made his way back inside. Antonio would get into his head that he needed to smoothen things out between them. Better just keep his mouth shut and pretend that Gilbert didn't even exist. 

“The trash is finally out,” he muttered as he re-entered the kitchen.

Romulus smiled at him in delighted surprise. “Oh, you took care of it? Great, the hall was starting to stink.”

“No, I meant Gilbert. It's your turn to take the garbage out.”

“Really? Are you sure it's not your turn?”

“I took it out last time. It's your turn now, Grandpa!”

“Fine, I'll do it when I go out again.” Romulus leaned forward to rest his chin on his hand. “It's funny how we used to take it for granted that the trash never piles up. Your grandma took care of so many things and we never even noticed.”

Lovino let out a sound of agreement, hoping that the conversation would die there. His grandfather sometimes had these moments when he'd just talk and talk about the past. Feliciano was much better at dealing with him then because he was so much like him. Lovino often wished he knew how to talk about things that were beautiful and painful at the same time, but he just wasn't very good at it. He tended to bottle things up until they exploded and spread damage around like shrapnel.

He figured they should be taking better care of the house. With the price of living in Rome being what it was, they were truly blessed to own their own house. Even more importantly, it had been in his grandmother's family for ages. Her side of the family had been important once, though all that they had to show for it today was a worthless coat of arms and an old family tomb at the Verano Monumental Cemetery they couldn't really afford to take care of.

“Never mind. I'll take out the trash,” he said. It was the least he could do. His grandmother had done everything when she had still been alive and made sure everyone in the family had what they needed. He knew for a fact that she had kept her illness a secret until she had collapsed because she had thought they wouldn't be able to take care of themselves if she was in the hospital.

But he shouldn't think about that if he still wanted to make something of this day. He had the morning off, but he was supposed to be at the little gelateria the family owned at two, so he had some five hours to get things done. But maybe he should drop by the shop to see if Giorgio was handling everything by himself. He had the habit of getting distracted by a pretty face at a rate that even Feliciano hadn't mastered yet.

After taking out the trash and carrying some of the boxes down into the basement, he grabbed his jacket and went outside. He decided to walk instead of taking his Vespa, not because he was afraid the wine was still in his system but because he wanted to think a little. He would have to get his shit together within the couple of days that Antonio and Belle would be gone so that they wouldn't notice anything off about him. He still wanted to sit on their balcony until midnight, drink cheap wine and complain about his life so that Antonio could tell him everything would be fine. Nothing should change.

He figured the day may not be entirely ruined when he arrived at Gelateria Titus and saw that it was still standing. His grandfather had started the business with his brother when they had been young. There had been a fight about something and the brother had left, but Lovino didn't know the details. He'd never met his great-uncle, and his grandfather rarely mentioned him.

These days, it was the four of them who took care of the business. One branch of the family lived up north near the French border, and they had sent Giorgio to them to learn the trade a few months ago. They needed the help, especially if Feliciano decided to go through with his plans of going to art school.

A couple of customers were sitting outside the shop, but Lovino ignored them and walked inside. He watched Giorgio serve a cone of pistacchio to a gorgeous woman. The portion was larger than normal, but Lovino couldn't blame him. He would have done the same thing if someone pretty like that had come inside when he was on shift.

“When the next guy who looks like an idiot shows up, make his cone a little too small,” he said once there were no customers inside. 

“I don't think that would be good for business,” Giorgio pointed out. “People who look like idiots are the ones who tend to complain a lot if they don't get what they like.”

Lovino muttered an agreement and moved to assess the different flavours of gelato that were displayed behind a glass. Some of them must have been made by Giorgio after his grandfather had left, but he couldn't really tell the difference. He might have if he had tasted them, but he didn't feel like having gelato before he had had lunch.

“You don't have to be here until two, right?” Giorgio asked.

“No, but it's not like I can let you be here all alone. Grandpa is an idiot for thinking you can handle this.”

“I think I'm doing fine.”

“Fine isn't good enough. This is the best gelateria in all of Rome.”

“The column that ranked some last week –”

“That shitty excuse of a reporter has no idea what he's writing! Titus is the best, end of story. And that's why you have to be a lot better before you can go back home.”

“I'm in no hurry to go back. Life's much more interesting here than in Ospedaletti.”

“Just as well. If Feliciano goes to school, we're going to need someone around anyway.”

Lovino almost envied his brother. He liked working at the gelateria, and there was a sense of pride to be had from knowing that it was something that been in the family for a while and that what he did was a continuation to something, but at the same time he didn't know if it was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

He didn't have any alternative plans, though. He wasn't interested in going to school and wanted to do something with his hands. Somewhere in the back of his mind there was a dream of a small farm with a shadowy stone house and olive trees, but he kept it tucked away most of the time. There was little point in fantasizing when it would never be reality.

A family with two children entered, and Lovino waited at the back until Giorgio was done serving them. He was glad to notice that his cousin had learned to follow the unspoken agreement they had to the fullest – not only beautiful women but little children as well got some extra.

“How was the wedding?” Giorgio asked once they had another free moment.

“There were glittering napkins, so what do you think? Fucking gorgeous.” And Belle had looked like a goddess in her long dress. It had nearly broken Lovino's heart to turn her down when she had asked him to dance. But accepting would have certainly done it, and he hadn't wanted to start bawling in front of everyone.

“Anyone pretty catch your eye?”

Lovino couldn't help but laugh. “You wouldn't believe what happened even if I told you. And I won't because I'm trying to forget that whole catastrophe.”

“If that's what you want to do, why don't you come with me tonight? Alessandro is throwing a party, but I don't know anyone there. We could go together.”

“I'm working tomorrow morning,” Lovino pointed out, but the idea was tempting. He had failed at finding a distraction at the wedding and had only added to his issues. Going to a party with total strangers might be a good idea. Feliciano was always telling him that he should relax and not worry so much about what others thought of him. However, that wasn't really Lovino's problem. He didn't give a shit about the opinion some random jerk had of him, but he was continuously frightened that the people he cared about might not like him.

“So? Don't tell me you're getting old.”

Lovino gave his cousin a half-hearted hit over the head. “Shut up, idiot.”

“Great, so you're coming. I'll come and get you after you've closed the place.”

“Yeah, right. Like I'm going anywhere without changing my clothes and picking up some stuff at home first.”

“Then I'll wait for you there. I'll ask if Feli wants to come, too.”

“I bet he does.” And how was that fair? Feliciano had charmed that pretty bridesmaid off her feet at the wedding. If he came to the party, he'd probably leave with the most beautiful woman present leaning into his arm. Granted, it wasn't often that he did anything more than talk with his conquests and make them smile, which was why finding him like that at the wedding had been a bit of a surprise.

However, when they switched shifts and Giorgio was ready to hurry home, they discovered that Feliciano wasn't interested in coming to the party.

“I'd love to,” he said with an apologetic smile, “but I promised I'd take Michela out tonight.”

“Oh, who's that?” Giorgio asked as he was pulling his jacket over his shoulders.

“She's one of Belle's friends! She was a bridesmaid at the wedding yesterday. We hit it off right away!”

Lovino snorted. “You can say that again.”

“Hehehe! That was actually her idea, so today we're doing what I want. I'm taking her to some nice place for dinner.”

“You should bring her home and introduce her to us!” Giorgio suggested.

Feliciano frowned in indecision. “I don't know. Whenever I bring a girl home, you, Lovino and Grandpa all flirt with her so much that she forgets about me. I like Michela, so I don't want her to overlook me right away.”

“You met her yesterday. How can you say you like her?” Lovino asked.

“I think we just clicked! She really liked all the animals I folded out of the napkins. I was going to give them to her, but they disappeared while we were dancing.”

“Great, so it was you who ruined half of the napkins I made. Thanks. I threw the deformed lumps you made out of them into the trash.”

A few customers entered, so Lovino moved to serve them and ignored Feliciano's tearful cries about how he could be so mean and unfair. However, it never took long for Feliciano to calm down, and sure enough, five minutes later he was already babbling about what he was going to wear and what restaurant he should take Michela to.

Lovino listened only with half an ear. He was used to tuning out most of what his brother said, but this time there was a strange sense of restlessness curling up in the pit of his stomach. He was growing angry, and he knew why but didn't want to acknowledge that. 

Hell, it looked like he had no choice but go to the party with Giorgio. He needed his distraction.


	3. Chapter 3

Lovino ran his fingers through his hair one more time to make sure it was all where he wanted it to be. He wished he had a mirror, but he figured that he'd just take a moment in the bathroom in case he started to feel that he had to improve himself some more.

He stopped to glance up at the second floor of the house where Giorgio's friend's party was. Light was pouring out of every window, and he could make out the shapes of a few people who were standing on the balcony. The music wasn't loud enough to be obnoxious, but it was the kind of fast song with no rhythm that he despised.

Arriving at a party when everyone else was already there and was either bonding or old friends was always awkward, but at least – 

Fuck.

Giorgio was gone. He had been right there just a moment ago, but somehow he had already slipped into the house. Lovino pursed his lips in annoyance and weighed his options, but since a few people had already seen him, he decided that leaving would have made him look like an idiot. His only option was to march inside and try to look cool, not like he was feeling like an outsider.

At least he could congratulate himself on the fact that he was one of the better-looking guys around, and certainly the most well-dressed. He manoeuvred his way to the table with the drinks, made sure there was just juice in his cup and scanned the room to find a spot where he could look occupied. Maybe he should pretend he was interested in the contents of the bookcase or looking at one of the tacky pictures on the wall.

A drink in hand, he moved to the bookcase and began to read the titles on the spines. After a while, he put down his cup, picked up a book and started to browse through it. However, before he had the time to actually get reading, he took one more glance around the room – and from this angle he could spot something that he had missed when he had entered.

There was a man sitting on top of the stairs that lead to the second floor. That alone wasn't worth his interest, but one look was enough to tell Lovino that the man was just as much of an outsider as he was. There were people right by his side, but nobody was talking to him, and he didn't seem to be listening to their conversation. His eyes were staring into nothingness, like he was completely lost in his own thoughts.

Perfect. The best way not to look like a loser was to approach someone else who was alone so that he'd get to play the role of a social and friendly guy.

“So, what's your deal?” he asked as he made his way to the man and sat down by his side.

The man turned to look at him. The expression on his face barely changed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what are you sitting here all alone for?”

“Probably for the same reason that you pretended to be interested in a book about property law.”

Lovino had an angry come-back ready, but then he realised that the man wasn't making fun of him and that there was no sarcasm in his voice. He had simply stated things as they were with no strings attached. It wasn't all that often that it happened around him.

“Okay, so some idiot dragged you here even though you don't know anyone, then?”

“No, I was just walking by and saw something was going on, so I decided to come inside and take a look.”

“What? You just invited yourself in?”

The man shrugged. “Nobody seemed to have a problem with it.”

“But... why?”

“I do that from time to time.”

Once again, Lovino felt tempted to ask why, but he decided against it. He spent a moment searching his brain for an excuse to get up and leave this weirdo by himself. But the fact was that his interest in the party had been waning ever since he had stepped inside. He sucked at getting to know new people, so without Giorgio, his chances of having a great time were close to zero. At least he was managing something resembling a conversation with this guy.

“I'm Lovino.”

“Heracles.”

Momentarily, Lovino was reminded of Gilbert and the comment he had made about Zeus that morning, but he was quick to banish that thought. No need to ruin this evening even further. Instead, he spent a moment observing the man by his side.

At first glance, he had assumed that Heracles was either stupid or entirely lost in his inner world, but if he had noticed that he wasn't really into the book, there had to be something going on inside his head. Lovino was usually unnerved by people who were quiet because he hated the inner panic he felt when the conversation died, but Heracles didn't make him feel like he _had_ to say something.

He realised that he had left his cup on the bookcase. Getting up and getting it was too much of an effort. The juice was probably warm now anyway.

“This party is total shit,” he muttered. “Why are you still here? Don't you have anything better to do?”

“I came here to watch. I find it inspiring to look at people and how they live their normal lives. You can understand so much about everyone if you look at them go through mundane events.”

“Watching someone puke on the couch or make out sloppily in the corner isn't what I'd call inspiring. And why do you need inspiration anyway? You a poet or something?”

“I write books.”

Well, this held the chance of getting a little more intellectual than Lovino was used to. The only books he read were cook books, and sometimes he bought self-help books about emotional issues, but he always threw them into the trash before getting through the introduction because owning something like that made him feel like a hopeless loser.

“Yeah, about what?”

“I'll tell you some other time when it's not so loud and we can talk without disturbances.”

Ah, okay. Lovino wasn't sure what to say to that. He hadn't been planning on seeing Heracles again after he could leave this God-forsaken party, but the other was talking like it was only natural.

“You're going to have to buy me dinner if I have to listen to you talk about your stories.”

“I'd rather cook something. I only eat outside when I need new material.”

“You're pretty creepy, you know that? Is there anything else in your life besides spying on people? Hell, maybe I should end this conversation now and get the fuck out of here before you put me in your stupid book.”

Heracles shook his head. “I already have a cast, and the plot doesn't need someone like you.”

“What do you mean, someone like me?”

“Someone who turns every conversation into a fight. But maybe in my next book if you'd like.”

“No thanks. And if you think this is a fight, you've never been in one.”

“Mmmh. There's someone I fight with a lot. But I hope you'll let me watch you have a real fight with someone one day.” Heracles paused for a moment and cocked his head to the side. “I'm sorry if that was inappropriate. I don't always know what people consider too unorthodox.”

“What, all that observing goes straight to your books and nothing sticks in your head? Next time, take notes on how normal people act around each other.”

Lovino knew he probably wasn't the best person to be giving this lecture, but at least he wasn't weird. Sure, he got into trouble and said a lot of things he regretted straight after, leading to him burying his face into his pillow in his room and hoping the house would collapse on him, but he could actually hold a conversation without coming off as a serial killer looking for prey.

“I know how to be normal, but my thoughts are usually more interesting than what is going on around me, so sometimes I don't realise I'm not doing it.”

“Okay, then start being normal now or I'm going to go, have a new drink and not come back.”

“Alright, what would you like to talk about?”

“Uh...”

Yeah, what _did_ he want to talk about? Usually he would just complain about the stupid customers at Titus, about his brother, the rotten state of their house or how he didn't have the money to dress in genuine designer clothes, but all of this felt completely irrelevant now. He had the feeling that Heracles was the kind of guy who spent his free time with his nose stuck in some book whose title Lovino couldn't even spell or sitting on a hill and thinking about something deep. He had no idea how to have a casual conversation with intellectuals because they always made him feel like he was stupid.

“Would you like to make out?”

“What?”

Heracles nodded towards the party that had developed a more hectic pace below them. “It seems to be the normal thing to do right now. But it's alright if you don't want to. It was just a suggestion.”

Fuck, the bastard was smiling. He actually looked rather endearing when that empty look left his eyes and was replaced by genuine emotion. And had that comment before been an attempt at a joke? Lovino had no idea, so for the next instant he wasn't sure how to react. He had come to the party with the intention of finding comfort for one night, but he had decided to go after a woman this time. No need to repeat the experience with Gilbert.

But if another man made the first move, why not accept? He'd been ready to jump on Gilbert when he barely knew him, so Heracles should be no problem, either. And with that olive skin and dark hair that was just the shade Lovino liked, he was actually pretty damn hot.

“You had better be really good at kissing because I have standards and I deserve something good after putting up with your weird shit,” he said.

“You can always stop if you don't like it.”

It crossed Lovino's mind that there had to be another reason for Heracles to come to a party like this uninvited and to suggest a make-out session to a guy he didn't know. It couldn't be just that he was strange or that he wanted to find a spark of inspiration for his book. It just didn't feel right, and there was something uncomfortably familiar in the green eyes that were now boring into him, almost like he was looking into a mirror.

But before he could contemplate that any further, Heracles leaned closer, caught a hold of his chin and brushed over his cheek with his lips. His hot breath made Lovino shiver, and he instinctively turned his head to kiss him. He wasn't expecting much out of it, mostly because Heracles seemed like the kind of guy who was slow and lazy – and he was, but he realised that he could make it work.

“Not here,” he muttered when he managed to tear himself away from the warmth that made his skin prickle. “I'm not putting up a show for anyone.”

“I don't think anyone is watching.”

“I don't care. Privacy or nothing!”

“Fine. Let's find a lonely corner.”

Lovino stood up, feeling a little light-headed. It was difficult to comprehend that he was getting exactly what he wanted with so little effort. Sure, he was hot and had killer charms, but even he usually had to put in a little more effort before he could bag someone.

“Will this do?” Heracles asked once they reached a quiet spot near the stairs to the basement. He sat down and turned his head to look up at Lovino who was still standing and weighing his options in his mind.

Lovino sat down on Heracles' knees and shot him a suspicious frown. “How come you're so eager? You aren't writing gay erotica and just using me to figure out the details, right?”

“No, I already have all the information I could ever want about that,” Heracles said, reaching up to brush a stubborn curl behind Lovino's ear. “But I need this tonight, and I can tell you do, too.”

Lovino decided then and there that he wasn't going to ask any questions nor be weirded out by that a complete stranger could read him so well. He had his reasons for this, and so did Heracles. Nothing else mattered.

He craned his neck so that he was angled right and continued where they had left off, sucking in a sharp breath as Heracles' hands travelled to his sides. His touch was firm but gentle, and the way his thumbs pressed against him made him want to lean closer to encourage those hands to keep going. If his mouth hadn't been so busy, he would have snarled at Heracles to stop stroking at the fabric and just get his fingers under it.

As far as Lovino was concerned, sex was an art. He always let his lovers know that he didn't engage in desperate dicking around and that when they were with him, they could expect a five star treatment. However, that only applied to people he cared about. He hadn't come to this party to find a partner; all he wanted was to be able to forget everything for a moment. He didn't need slow build-up or gentle caresses for that.

It seemed that Heracles agreed with the direction he had chosen. His lips continued to be slow and soft as they moved down his skin, but his hands didn't hold back. It didn't take long before they had undone Lovino's trousers and slipped inside, making him buckle at the feeling of his long fingers grabbing him.

“If you stop now, I'll... nghh, I'll fucking pour gelato down your pants next time I see you,” he murmured between his heavy breaths of air.

There was no reply, and Lovino figured that Heracles wasn't much of a talker in bed. He wasn't even making a lot of sounds, dammit, and he decided he was going to fix that. Even if this was nothing more than rough pawing with a guy he was never going to meet again, his pride wouldn't let him live it down if he couldn't at least make him let out a moan.

While Heracles was busy with his crotch, Lovino buried his face against his neck and nibbled forcefully at his skin, moving down towards his chest as much as his clothes allowed. When he had to stop, he slipped his hands under his shirt for further exploration. Heracles was hairier than he had assumed at first glance, but he liked that. If he had been someone he cared about, he might have spent a longer time just enjoying the rough feeling against his hands, but he didn't want to slow down and let Heracles get him off before he had even properly started.

“Hey! Hey, Lovino!”

Lovino froze right as he was about to start fumbling with the zipper of Heracles' trousers and turned to look, undecided between raging anger and wanting to die of mortification when he saw Giorgio waving at him from behind the corner.

“Are you busy right now?”

“What the hell does it look like?”

“But I only wanted to ask –”

“I don't care! Go away!”

Lovino became aware of the fact that all through this conversation, Heracles' hand hadn't stopped moving. It had slowed down, sure, but the maddening friction on his member was still there, making him want to curl his toes and moan.

“Stop that!” he snarled, determined not to keep this up for as long as his cousin was there to watch.

“He doesn't seem to care,” Heracles pointed out and nodded at Giorgio who looked like nothing was out of the ordinary.

“That's because being dumb as fuck runs in the family and I'm the only one who got the right genes and was spared that!”

Lovino jumped off Heracles, struggled to force his erection into his pants and pull up his zipper as fast as he could without chipping off a piece of himself. Good thing he was wearing stretchy material or this would have been uncomfortable as hell.

“I'm done,” he announced. Then he pointed a finger at Giorgio. “And I don't care what you wanted. We're both going home. I've got to get up early to start the machines.”

“But –”

“No buts! Into the car!”

Without a single further glance at Heracles, Lovino stormed past his cousin and out of the house, his face burning and his vision fading because he was so angry that he couldn't see straight. He didn't consider himself a prude, but he drew the line at having his own fucking family interrupting him. The mood was inevitably broken.

He made it to the car and had to wait a while for Giorgio to show up. Just as he was about to start the engine and head home without him, his cousin pulled open the door and threw himself on the seat beside him.

“That was rude,” Giorgio said as Lovino started the car. “You could have at least said goodbye to him.”

“Rude? What about you storming in there like that? That was rude!”

“How was I supposed to know what you were doing?”

Lovino couldn't argue against that logic, but that did nothing to cool his anger. Couldn't anything go right at least once in his life? Now he was angry and horny and his trousers hurt and he would have to take care of that under the covers in his bed and he'd probably think about Belle or Antonio and –

“Yeah, well... you didn't have to leave me all alone even before we made it into the house! I thought we were going to this party together!”

Giorgio actually had the sense to look a little sheepish. “But I saw Alessandra there and I just had to go over and say hello and – Oh! I almost forgot!” He dug his hand into his wallet, pulled out a piece of paper and slipped it into Lovino's pocket. “Heracles gave me this.”

What, the idiot had actually gone and introduced himself to the guy who had been in the process of giving him one hell of a handjob? Lovino gritted his teeth in irritation and fought against the desire to voice that question because an equally strong part of him never wanted to mention that scene again.

Once he felt he could trust his voice again, he asked, “And what the hell is that?”

“His number. He said you can call him if you want to.”

“Yeah, like hell I will,” Lovino muttered, determined to crumble the piece of paper into a ball and toss it outside. The only reason he didn't do that was that he needed one hand on the steering wheel and the other permanently outside the window to make rude gestures because the streets of Rome were full of idiots that night.

***

Lovino wasn't a friend of mornings, and it was often that he would have rather buried himself under the covers instead of getting up to face whatever crap the world wanted to hurl at his face on that particular day. But unlike Feliciano, who sometimes overslept and didn't get up until noon, Lovino had enough common sense to understand that doing so would only add to his problems, not solve them.

That was why he was at work at the usual time, going mechanically through the usual chores to prepare the shop for being opened later. It wasn't all that hard since machines did the most of the work these days, except when they got a special order from someone who wanted hand-made gelato at their fancy party. It was a while since last time, though.

“How was the party last night?” Feliciano asked as they were taking a break and waiting for the machines to be done. It wouldn't take long before they had some nice stracciatella ready to be served.

Lovino snorted and turned to glare at the ceiling in exasperation. “Total shit.”

“Aww,” Feliciano said with a sympathetic hum. “That's too bad. Was there nobody pretty there? Maybe I can introduce you to some of Michela's friends later. If she's going to let me stick around, I mean, but I think she will.”

“No thanks. Even if something did come out of it, everyone's life would be a mess if either one of us broke up with them.”

“Don't be so negative! You shouldn't be thinking about breaking up when you aren't even dating yet!”

“I can think about whatever I want.”

The previous night, he had taken Heracles' phone number from his pocket and placed it into his bedside drawer – entirely because if he had left it in his pocket, it would have ended up in the laundry, and he didn't like having white, fluffy crap on his clothes. But he had absolutely no plans of calling him since he didn't think he could face him again after he had just stormed off after the fiasco without an explanation. Nope.

Too bad, but maybe experiencing a second catastrophe in as many nights was fate's way of telling him that there were better ways to deal with a broken heart than having a random one-night stand with a stranger. He figured it was probably just like burying his face under the pillow and refusing to get up even when there was someone banging at the door. It made him feel good for a while, but in the end it did nothing to solve the problem and only made his life more uncomfortable.

Several hours later, they were ready to open the shop. Some dozen different flavours of gelato were showcased behind the glass on the counter, each decorated with suitable sauces, berries or candy. Titus was only a corner shop, so they had neither the space nor the resources to make more exotic flavours, but Lovino liked to think they made up for it with quality. When he poured some chocolate sauce on gelato, it was a goddamn masterpiece.

Lovino waited behind the counter as Feliciano was busy cleaning at the back. Their shop had no front wall so that people who were passing by in the street couldn't help but take a look inside. The floor tiles resembled dark marble, and his grandfather had painted the walls to look like they were straight out of Pompeii. The paint was starting to peel off after all the decades, and even though Romano rather liked the authentic look, he knew it wouldn't do for long. Feliciano really should pick up a brush and do something about it one of these days.

Then again, if he did that, they'd have to move the furniture and show the whole world just which frescoes their grandfather had decided to copy. And the ancient cupboard in the corner was heavy and so full of pretty bottles, small vases and other junk that had piled up that Lovino felt tired just thinking about it.

He listened to the footsteps and chatter in the street with half an ear as he made sure the couple of tables they had inside were clean, though he wasn't expecting anyone to eat their gelato inside for a couple of more hours. The people who came in the morning usually took a cone and left to work, and it was only around lunchtime that anyone wanted something more special.

From the corner of his eye, he saw someone step inside. He turned around and opened his mouth in greeting because one was always supposed to be nice to customers, even when one didn't feel like it, but the smile froze on his face when he saw that their first customer for the morning was Gilbert Beilschmidt.

Great, it seemed he was doomed to stumble his way from one shitty situation to another.


	4. Chapter 4

“What are you doing here?” 

Lovino found no traces of surprise on Gilbert's face as their eyes met, so he was sure that he had known he worked here. Or maybe he had even come here on purpose, though he couldn't imagine why. After it had become obvious that Gilbert was just another straight guy who got the willies around guys who were into other guys, he had thought that he wouldn't have to see his ugly face ever again.

“I want some of that,” Gilbert said and pointed his thumb at the counter.

“There are about a thousand gelaterias in this city. Go elsewhere.”

Since it had already been established that this wasn't Lovino's day, Gilbert didn't obey and instead took a seat at one of the tables. He draped his arm over the backrest and did his best to look casual, but Lovino wasn't fooled. Gilbert's other hand was on the table, his fingers tapping nervously against it.

“Actually, I want something else, too.”

Lovino drew in a long breath, let it out and crossed his arms on his chest. He had the feeling that he couldn't get rid of this idiot before he had at least heard him out, so he figured it was for the best to get it over with fast.

“Okay, shoot.”

“Right, okay. So, about what happened... I guess I overreacted a little and I just want to make sure that you don't think I'm a homophobe or anything.”

“You mean you aren't?”

“No! Like I said, I've got nothing against you people as long as you keep your hands off me.”

“One, I wouldn't make another move on you even if you were the last person left in the world. Two, if you really think someone would keep making moves on you even after you've made it clear you aren't interested, you either believe gays can't be decent human beings, or your ego is just so big that it's a surprise it fits into the same room with you. Either way, you piss me off, so get out.”

An exasperated sound was torn from Gilbert's throat, and he made an impatient gesture with his hands.

“That's not what I meant! I'm just not used to other guys feeling me up or kissing me or anything, so you surprised me. But I just wanted to say that it's no problem, so let's put the whole thing past us, okay?”

Lovino resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Gilbert just didn't get it, but then again, what else could he expect from someone who had the emotional sensitivity of a raw potato? The cynical part of him supposed he should at least be glad that Gilbert wasn't one of those guys who threw slurs at everyone who was different from them, but that didn't mean he had to like him.

“What does it matter if we put it behind us or not? It's not like we're friends,” he said.

“Yeah, but we're both Antonio's friends, so we should get along, right?”

“We've both managed to be his friends without meeting each other until now, so I don't think it matters.”

“No, no, you've got it all wrong. Now that he's married he's got tons of new responsibilities. I bet he doesn't have as much time for old friends as he used to, so we're probably going to have to see him together or not see him at all. And it's just going to get worse if they end up having kids. Maybe we'll be babysitting for them together some time.”

Lovino's stomach lurched at the thought. He and Antonio had been friends for so long and had grown so close that he couldn't imagine a life without him. He wanted to keep going to the beach with him and having him drop by right before closing time to chatter happily about his day while he watched him close up the gelateria. He wanted to keep passing a bottle of cheap whine back and forth while they leaned against the rusty railing at Antonio's balcony. These moments were only for the two of them, and maybe Belle. Assholes like Gilbert didn't belong in that picture, and Lovino didn't want to share Antonio with him.

“Even if they decide to have kids right now, I still have nine months before I have to babysit anyone, so let me enjoy that time by not having anything to do with you,” he said as he made his way behind the counter. Maybe putting some more distance between them would give Gilbert the hint that he wanted him gone.

But of course the idiot didn't get it. He got up, followed him and stopped to stare at the different flavours of gelato.

“Get your hands off the glass!”

“But I'm just trying to pick what I want!”

“Then do it like an adult. You aren't five.”

“Okay, give me some strawberry.”

Damn, now the idiot was a paying customer and he couldn't just throw him out. But he could make him the smallest cone he could get away with and make sure none of the juicy bits of strawberry he had decorated the gelato with were caught by the spoon.

“This is the most pathetic cone I have ever seen,” Gilbert remarked as he kept turning it around in his hand.

“Great, I hope that means you won't be coming back. Now take it and leave. Assuming you have a job, you must be late by now.”

“Nah, I'm actually on shift right now, but the guy I'm driving around wants some privacy, so he told me not to come back until noon.”

“What, you're a chauffeur?”

“A driver,” Gilbert said pointedly. “French is a stupid, sissy language, so don't call me that.”

So, they did agree on something, but the mutual dislike for French wasn't enough to turn Lovino's opinion of the guy around. He had to admit that he was a little surprised by his job, though. It wasn't strange that someone who was German was into something that involved cars, but he hadn't been expecting Gilbert to have a job that forced him to dress formally and try to tame his hair.

“And besides,” Gilbert started, cutting himself off by taking a lick of his cone. “Hey, wow, this is actually really good! It may be the smallest cone I've ever had, but it tastes great!”

“Of course it does. I made it.”

“Yeah, but to be honest, I wasn't expecting all that much out of this place. It wasn't even on that best of Rome list I saw in a magazine.”

“If your taste in magazines is as bad as the rest of you, is it any surprise that what you read is unreliable trash?”

“Or it could be that the writer was here and wasn't exactly taken in by your charming customer service.”

“Or maybe –”

“Hey, Gilbert!”

Lovino turned around at his brother's voice and saw him emerge from the backroom with a wide smile plastered on his face. Feliciano didn't seem to notice that they were in the middle of an argument and skipped right to them, happy and eager as always.

“Are you feeling better now? You looked so terrible the other night, and you would have puked all over yourself if Lovino hadn't been holding you when you had to throw up. I had no idea there could be so much beer inside one person,” he said, and Lovino very much enjoyed the embarrassment that flashed on Gilbert's face before he managed to hide it under a grin.

“Oh, yeah, I'm perfect! Nothing can hold me down for long!”

“That's great! And how's the gelato?”

“I love it! Maybe I'll have another.”

Lovino let out an irritated snort. “You're just looking for an excuse to stay here.”

“What's the harm? It's not like there are any customers except me here.”

“That's because they can hear your ugly voice and ugly accent a hundred meters away and know to avoid this place,” Lovino said. “So get out and stop ruining our business.”

“Nah, don't worry, Lovino! We rarely have any customers in the morning anyway. And I'm sure there are people who think the way Gilbert talks is nice even if it does remind me a little of the time I dropped my fork into the grinder when I was making lasagna.”

Gilbert let out an impatient snort. “You know, someone whose self-confidence isn't made of iron might be hurt by comments like that.”

“What? Did I say something wrong?” Feliciano asked with a confused frown.

“No, just keep talking. For once I like what you're saying,” Lovino remarked.

“Hey, not fair, the two of you ganging up on me like that. Not that I can't take you alone, but if I had my kid brother Ludi here, you wouldn't dream of insulting me.”

“Oh, you have a brother? What's he like?” Feliciano asked.

Lovino listened in disinterest as Gilbert spent the next ten minutes talking about his brother, Ludwig. He was a few years younger and still lived in Berlin where he worked as a paper pusher in some office. He had a girlfriend whom Gilbert described as amazingly hot and illustrated his words with a round gesture around his chest that made it all too obvious what he meant.

“And he calls me at least once a day because he misses me so much!”

“I bet he's just worried about what you might get up to when you're here without any supervision,” Lovino said.

Feliciano let out a hum and leaned his chin against his palm. “Why did you come to Italy? Weren't things good in Germany?”

“Ahahaha, now that's a funny story,” Gilbert said and reached up to scratch his cheek.

Lovino and Feliciano waited.

“Well, aren't you going to tell us?” Lovino asked.

“Uh, no. Not now. I just remembered that I should probably be running a few errands for my boss while I wait for the customer to be ready. So, I'll see you guys later, especially you, Lovino!”

Well, now Lovino had a trick to get rid of him. All he had to do was ask him about Germany, and Gilbert would be running off with his tail between his legs. No doubt there was some really ugly story behind him living in Italy. Lovino was mildly curious about that, mostly because he would have delighted in hearing the details of how Gilbert had screwed up.

“Gilbert is pretty nice,” Feliciano said.

“No, he's not. Even for a German, he's a total asshole.”

“The only reason he's rude to you is that you're rude to him as well. Maybe if you both tried to be friendly, everything would work out.”

“That would be like putting ketchup in pasta. Some things and some people just aren't meant for each other.”

His brother made a disgusted face, but Lovino could tell that he wasn't going to give up on the idea that Gilbert was a decent guy. Feliciano was always like that, thinking that everyone was nice and ignoring their flaws, no matter how glaring they were. Because of that, he got along with everyone, and that meant extra work for Lovino because he had to make sure some jerkass didn't take advantage of his kid brother's lack of intelligence.

In this regard, Lovino was the complete opposite of his brother. People had to work to earn his trust, and few ever did because he tended to be an asshole towards people who wanted to be close to him but whom he didn't truest yet. Most people got tired of his attitude and drifted away, but he didn't mind. Really. It just proved that they weren't worth his trust in the first place. 

He sometimes found himself wondering which was better, having tons of friends like Feliciano but not knowing what back-stabbing shitheads some of them were, or being lonely but knowing where he stood with everyone.

***

Antonio and Belle returned from their honeymoon a few days later. Lovino didn't call them or go visit them. Part of it was because he wanted to give them some space and part because the childish side of him wanted to see how long it would take before they contacted him. He knew he would be devastated if they took their time, but at the same time there was a side of him that wanted an excuse to resent them for their happiness and feel like martyr.

But since Antonio and Belle were good people who cared about their friends, they dropped by that very evening right before closing time. Lovino was alone at the shop because Feliciano had another date with Michela and had left early. He was still refusing to introduce her to the rest of them because he didn't want anyone to snatch her away, but Lovino had the feeling that it wouldn't be long now.

“Hey, Lovi!”

Lovino looked up from the table he was wiping and saw the two waving at him from the entrance. He had already partly closed the sliding door that they pulled over and locked for the night, so they had to squeeze in sideways to get inside.

“What are you doing here? Don't you know it's closing time? I want to go home,” Lovino said.

“Of course we know,” Antonio said grabbed chairs for himself and Belle. “That's why we're here. Now you can talk to us without ignoring any customers.”

“But I hope you still have some gelato left,” Belle added.

They rarely sold out by the end of the day because Lovino's grandfather always insisted on making more gelato than they needed. He said it was bad for business if they ever ran out. Lovino usually scooped whatever remained into a styrofoam container and took it home for the kids who lived in the neighbourhood.

“There's some chocolate.”

“Oh, good! That's my favourite. Can I have some?”

“Sure.”

Lovino was about to head for the back, but Antonio waved at him to stay put. 

“Come on, no need to hurry! Belle has been filling herself with sweet things for the past three days. She can wait until we've told you all about our honeymoon,” he said, earning himself a playful pinch on the nose from her.

“You have to learn to watch what you say or this will be a really short marriage,” she said with a laugh.

Lovino snorted. “Like he'll ever learn.”

“True,” Belle admitted, “but I knew that when I said yes, so I guess I'll just have to deal.”

“Anyway, you should have seen the house! There was a garden, and in the garden there was a pool! I have no idea how Gilbert got it for us, but we really need to thank him next time we see him,” Antonio said, reaching into his pocket to pull out a small camera. “Look, I took photos of the pool for you!”

Antonio shoved the camera into Lovino's hands. The eager smile on his face practically forced Lovino to start browsing through the pictures. The first ten were just the pool from different angles, and he was about to snap at Antonio for being an idiot and wasting his time, but the next photo was more than that. It was still the pool, sure, but now Belle was standing on the edge and dipping her toe into the water. She was wearing a yellow summer dress and holding it up so that it wouldn't get wet.

“If I had known there'd be a pool, I would have brought my bikini,” she said once she noticed what picture Lovino was looking at.

Lovino clicked for the next photo, not wanting to remain staring at the one of Belle. There were still pictures of her, but they were buried amongst countless shots of the house, the garden, the car, some funny clouds, the luggage and lots of things he couldn't recognise because Antonio's thumb was in the way.

“How many photos are there?” he asked when it started to seem like there would be no end. Was he really supposed to look at all of them?

“I didn't count. I just wanted to have a memory of everything because I don't think we'll be staying in a place like that again.”

Yeah, it did look impressive. It was an old brick house that had been painted white. Vines slithered up the walls towards the tiled roof, and the windowsills and door frames were cracked with age. A fountain stood in the middle of the cobblestone yard. Everything about the house looked ancient, but not in an unkempt way. Someone was obviously taking care of it and making sure it was ageing in a dignified manner.

“Having this place for three days must have cost like shit,” Lovino said.

“Yeah, it was real nice of Gilbert to arrange it.”

“Did he pay for it himself? I didn't know drivers made that much.”

Antonio shook his head. “Nah, he doesn't have that kind of money. If he did, he'd buy one of those cars he's always going on about.”

“Probably threatened or blackmailed someone, then.”

“I'll ask him next time I see him. But did you already see the photo of the store where there was this –”

Belle grabbed the camera from Lovino, turned it off and put it into her bag. “Stop bugging him,” she told Antonio. “Looking at other people's holiday photos is boring. I shudder to think what you'll be like if we ever have a baby.”

“What do you mean if?” Antonio asked, a worried look on his face.

“Well, I want to graduate first, and then I need to get some work experience, and maybe then we'll see if I feel like going through nine months of hell plus a messy birth.”

“But I want a little girl!”

“We've been married for three days. You can't have everything at once.” Belle flipped Antonio's nose with her finger. “Otherwise we'd be in for some pretty boring decades together.”

Lovino stood up, the sound of his chair being pushed back echoing like a screech in his ears. “I'll go and get that damn gelato or I'm never getting to go home tonight.”

It was a little easier to breathe once he made it to the back. He didn't dare close the door all the way because he was paranoid that it might be suspicious, and then Belle might figure out that something was bothering him, and then he'd have to lie to them to cover things up.

He took his time with the gelato, not ready to return to the others yet. He hated himself for it. If he were a better person, he wouldn't have kept dwelling on his useless feelings. He would have got over them. He had had plenty of time to get rid of them and just be happy for his friends, but he was too weak for that.

If he could at least feel just one way, everything would be so simple. If he only resented them for being together and never realising how much he cared about them, he could have just cut off his ties with them and moved on. Or if he could have forgotten about what he wanted, he would have been the great friend he wanted to be. But no, he had to feel jealous, angry _and_ happy. Even if watching them together was like sprinkling lemon juice on raw skin, he wanted to be close to them because they were his best friends and he wanted only good things for them.

Everything is total shit, he thought and slammed the container shut with more force than he needed. His fingers were itching to tear it apart or throw it at the wall, but he forced himself to draw a deep breath and count to ten. He'd made it through the fucking wedding. He could do this.

“Here's your gelato,” he said as he returned to the others and handed the container to Belle.

“Thanks,” she said, eagerly opening the lid. She dipped her finger into the chocolate and was about to bring it up to her lips, but she stopped and frowned. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You look like you're about to burst into tears. Did something happen while were were gone?” Belle asked.

“No, it's fine. I just hit my elbow on something in the back. You know, the part that always stings like shit.”

Belle hissed in sympathy and finally brought the gelato to her mouth while Antonio tried to reach for Lovino's arm.

“Do you want me to take a look at it?” he asked.

“No!” Lovino snapped and jerked away. “There isn't even a mark. It's fine.”

Antonio didn't seem bothered by the rejection. He took some of Belle's gelato and kept smiling like nothing had happened.

“Do you remember how I always had to patch you up every time you scraped your knee or something as a kid? And it happened all the time! Sometimes I thought you were climbing on those walls on purpose so that you'd fall and I'd have to put a band aid on you.”

“Yeah, right. That's totally stupid.”

“I know, but you sure got into trouble a lot back then.”

Antonio had a point, but Lovino wasn't going to admit that. There had been a time in his life when he had been frightened of the possibility that Antonio might grow bored of him and start hanging out with kids his own age. Back when they'd been little, three years of an age difference had felt like a decade. But it hadn't been specifically Antonio whose attention he had sought out – he had done the same to both of his grandparents. It was probably no surprise after the mess that his parents had caused.

Antonio and Belle proceeded to tell him how they had spent the past three days. The kitchen had been stocked when they arrived, so it wouldn't have been necessary for them to ever leave the house. But since they were both curious by nature, they had wandered outside as soon as they had dropped their bags in the bedroom, and had poked their nose everywhere within walking distance. There had been a sleepy little village down the road, and on the second day they had had a wonderful picnic on the cliffs by the sea.

“I would have loved to stay longer,” Belle said with a content sigh.

“Me, too, but we need to get back to work if we want to pay rent next month.”

“Ugh, don't remind me.”

“Maybe Gilbert can organize for us to go there again later when we've got better jobs and can afford a longer holiday.”

Lovino snorted. “When you've got better jobs, you don't have to depend on that asshole's generosity anymore.”

“Why that tone? I thought you two were friends. I saw you dancing together at the wedding,” Belle pointed out.

“We were both drunk,” Lovino lied swiftly. “So we're not friends. I can't stand him and his ugly face and even uglier voice. I have no idea how you can.”

Antonio was quick to defend him, just as Lovino had suspected. “He's not that bad. When I want to do something crazy, I never have to talk him into anything because he's usually the one who suggests it.”

“Great, so he turns you into even more of an idiot than you already are.”

“And he's fun, and even if he seems pretty irresponsible all the time, I just have this feeling that I can trust him. I mean, look how quickly he got that house for us when I mentioned that we probably can't afford a honeymoon at all.”

“That doesn't mean I have to like him,” Lovino insisted. “He rubs me the wrong way, so I don't want to have anything to do with him.” He wished Gilbert would just pack his bags and go back to Germany, but he couldn't say that without coming off as selfish. For reasons he couldn't even begin to understand, Antonio liked the stupid sack of blighted potatoes.

They spent a few more moments catching up before they decided it was time to go home. After making sure everything was ready for Giorgio and his grandfather the following morning, Lovino closed the shop, hopped on his Vespa and drove home. He tried not to look at the restaurants that were still full of people when he had to stop at a red light.

There was dinner on the table when he entered the kitchen, and he filled a plate and took it to his room. It sounded like his grandfather and Giorgio were watching TV as they ate. Normally, Lovino would have joined them or at least felt irritated that neither could tear their eyes off the screen long enough to greet him as he came home, but tonight it was a relief. He wanted to be alone.

His room really needed cleaning, he mused as he sat down on his bed and began eating. Everything was misplaced, and he was pretty sure there were more clothes on the floor than in the closet. Maybe he'd do something about that the following day since he had the morning off again. Or maybe not. Even eating felt too much like an effort.

He placed the still half-full plate by his side and leaned his back against his bed. He felt like a... Hell, he didn't even know. Pointless, maybe. Or maybe twisted since he was pretty sure the feelings inside him were genuine and understandable, but he wasn't doing a very good job at dealing with them.

His eyes drifted to his bedside drawer, and he remembered the piece of paper he had tossed inside the previous night. Not sure if he really wanted to do it, he pulled the drawer open and fumbled around until he caught Heracles' phone number between his fingers.

He shouldn't. Hadn't he made enough of a fool of himself already? Nothing good could possibly come out of this stupid idea. But even though he knew this, he couldn't ignore the fact that the previous night, there had been a brief moment when he hadn't been thinking of Antonio or Belle and hadn't felt like shit. It was superficial relief, sure, but even that was welcome.

What he also knew was that by morning, he would have got some sense into his head and would throw the number away. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it now.

Convinced that he was an idiot but for once not caring, he took out his phone and began to push the buttons.


	5. Chapter 5

Lovino could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he lifted the phone and listened to the beeps. A very large part of him was hoping that Heracles wouldn't pick up because then he could forget all about this ridiculous idea, but just as he was about to give up, there was an answer.

“Hmm?”

Heracles sounded tired. Maybe he had already gone to bed. But didn't writers usually work at night? At least they did in all the movies.

“Hello,” Lovino said, hating the tightness of his voice because he was suddenly feeling very out of breath.

“Who is it?”

Oh, right. Heracles didn't have his number, so he couldn't know who was calling. For a moment, Lovino's mind was empty of anything he could say, but finally his brain decided to take over.

“Sorry, I mean, it's Lovino. From the party. Yesterday.”

He was half-expecting Heracles to hang up on him. Why wouldn't he? Lovino had marched off without a word and left him half-hard and alone in a party where he didn't know anyone. If someone did the same to him, he'd never utter a single word to them, not even to insult them.

“Oh. I wasn't sure if you'd call.”

How was he supposed to read that tone? Surprised? Disappointed? Did he regret giving his number to him and was now trying to come up with a good excuse to end this call right here?

“Yeah, anyway,” he said to fill the silence, “I guess I just want to say that I'm sorry about what happened and that it doesn't usually go like that, but... uh...”

There was no answer, and for a moment neither said anything.

“Are you still there?” Lovino asked once the awkwardness became too thick for him.

“Yeah, I'm just giving you some time to decide what you'll say. I'm not doing anything right now, so it's alright if it takes a while.”

“I don't need time to think! I'm not stupid! I'm just calling you because I want to make sure you don't think I'm some stupid loser who always runs off in the middle of getting a hand-job! Normally, I finish and make it damn good!”

“We can try again some time if you'd like.”

“Yeah, whatever, but don't think I called you because of that.”

Haha, yeah, right. Who was he kidding? Heracles knew exactly why he had called. But he wasn't laughing or making crude jokes about it, so Lovino wasn't as embarrassed as he normally would have been. Plus, Heracles _had_ given him his number, so he had made the first move. He had wanted him to call him, so Lovino wished he could have stopped feeling so damn vulnerable about one stupid phone call.

“Today's not good,” he said. “I just got home from work, and I'm damn exhausted. How's tomorrow?”

“I'm leaving town for a while, but if you can make it in the morning, that's fine.”

“In the morning?” Lovino repeated. Somehow, it felt wrong to think about meeting Heracles before it got dark. People met in the morning when they were friends or lovers or family or had something resembling a normal relationship. He and Heracles didn't, and Lovino didn't think that was what either of them was looking for. 

“But no earlier than ten. I don't usually get out of bed before noon if I don't have to,” Heracles said.

“Then we have something in common.” Lovino made a quick decision. “Okay, I'll be there at eleven and then we'll... see what we'll do.”

Heracles gave him his address which he quickly scribbled down on a page in one of the cooking books he had lying around. He couldn't quite put his finger on what he was feeling when they ended the call and he could toss his phone on the bed. It had gone better than he had expected, but he couldn't help but be a little nervous. This would be the second time he saw Heracles, so he couldn't call it a random one-night stand anymore, but at the same time he knew that he didn't want it to be anything else.

God, he was being stupid again.

“Hell, it's not like we're going out on a date,” he muttered. They both knew that. This was only... Well, Lovino couldn't say he knew what Heracles was getting out of this, but that didn't bother him too much. He hadn't told him that he was only trying to forget that the two loves of his life had got married, so it was only fair.

Still not quite able to shake off the feeling that he had just made a mistake, he pushed the plate aside so that he wouldn't step on it the following morning and crawled under the covers.

***

Lovino forced himself out of bed at nine in the morning and began to make himself presentable. It wasn't that he wanted to impress Heracles or anything, he thought as he was doing his hair in the bathroom. It was just that it was against his principles to go anywhere while looking like a troll – Gilbert's image flashed before his eyes, but he forced it away. Even if he was only looking for something brief, he might just as well leave a good impression. And he probably needed that kind of damage control after the party.

He was more than a little surprised to find Feliciano already in the kitchen, coffee ready and munching on a piece of bread. One of the few things they had in common was that they loved to sleep, so there was probably a damn good reason that Feliciano was up at this hour. And dressed in his finest, too.

Lovino didn't have to spend a long time wondering what was going on. The only thing that could make Feliciano that cheerful so early was a pretty woman.

“Michela again?” he asked as he went to grab a cup.

“Yeah! I'm going to see her at work today!”

“Can she just waste her time talking to idiots when she's working?”

“She works at the mall, so I'll pretend that I'm a customer!” Feliciano pursed his lips thoughtfully as he went over something in his head. “I know! You should come, too. I want you to say hello to her.”

“I thought you were afraid of one of us stealing her away.”

“Not anymore. I think she really likes me.”

“Yeah, right. But I can't come. I'm busy.”

Feliciano shot him a curious look. “Busy with what? You never do anything in the morning.”

“Well, I'm busy _today!_ ” Lovino snapped, irritated not because Feliciano was right but because he could point out his lack of social life in such a non-chalant tone, like it was an obvious truth.

“With what?”

Lovino snorted into his coffee. “It's none of your business.”

“Hmm...” Feliciano's face scrunched up the way it always did when he was pondering the mysteries of the universe. “Oh! I see! You're seeing someone, too!”

“No, I –”

“That's why you're wearing that shirt Grandma bought you!”

“So? I can see whoever I want. I don't need to tell you anything!”

“Aww, don't get so defensive! I'm happy for you! It's been so long since you last went out with someone. Is this your first date? If everything works out, maybe you can invite that person on a double date with me and Michela!”

Lovino felt like hitting his head against the table. Of course his stupid brother would think this was meant to be even though he hadn't even met his supposed date. There was no way he could ever introduce Heracles to him. Feliciano would spend a week crying and trying to comfort him once they “broke up”, and that was more drama than Lovino was willing to endure for such short-lived fun.

“We aren't dating! He's just a friend, so don't get any stupid ideas. There's not going to be a double date.”

“But you never know! You should keep an open mind about the people you meet. But anyway, when are you seeing him? Because I was hoping that you'd give me a ride to the mall so that I don't have to walk.”

“I told you I'm busy!”

“Aww, come on! It's not a long way. Please take me there! I'll let you have a longer break tonight if you do!”

Lovino had a very low tolerance level for his brother's whining, so in the end he agreed to drive him to the mall, but only if Feliciano let him have half an hour off at work and promised to make some _pizzelle_ over the weekend.

“It's been a while since you last let me ride your Vespa,” Feliciano said as they were stepping outside.

“And there's a reason for that.” Lovino grabbed the extra helmet and tossed it into Feliciano's hands. “Now put that on. The last thing we need is to have you hit your head in an accident and get even stupider.”

Michela worked in a store in La Romanina. It took about ten minutes before they reached it, but that was only because they got many green lights and because Lovino ignored the red ones. Thankfully Heracles lived in the same direction, so he wouldn't be late and would even have a moment to grab some more breakfast on his way.

“Now that you're here anyway, why don't you come inside, just for a bit?” Feliciano asked.

“Oh, so that's why you wanted the ride, you manipulative little bastard. Fine, I'll come and talk to her.”

“But don't flirt too much with her!”

“She would benefit from realising that she's focusing on the wrong brother, but I'm in a hurry, so maybe I'll fix that mistake some other day.”

“I don't think you're her type. You're too grouchy all the time. Except when you're drunk, but it wouldn't be a good relationship if one person is always drinking too much.”

They walked through the mall, and to Lovino's surprise they didn't go into any of the little boutiques that sold make-up, perfume or designer clothes. The type of woman Feliciano liked was pretty, delicate and feminine, so he had been expecting something along those lines. He was even more baffled when he realised that their destination was a sports store.

“She works here?” he asked in disbelief.

“Yeah! She's really into all kinds of sports! She's taking me jogging next weekend.”

“And why are you smiling about it, idiot? You hate exercise! You didn't even want to walk here!”

“But it's different when it's with her. I think you can learn to enjoy troublesome things if you're doing them with someone you really, really like.”

Lovino rolled his eyes. “Your brain is totally rotten. I risked a perfectly good helmet for nothing.”

Feliciano's eyes turned towards something behind Lovino's back, and his smile widened at once. He lifted a hand to wave a greeting, and Lovino turned around to see that Michela had spotted them and was smiling at them.

Even though Michela was a close friend of Belle's, Lovino didn't know her all that well. He was pretty sure she had grown up in Seychelles, but her mother was Italian, so she was staying with her relatives for a while. He wasn't sure why she had decided to come to Italy since she wasn't studying, but he had never bothered to ask.

“Hello, can I help you?” she asked as they stepped into the store.

“Yeah, I'm looking for some kind of outfit. I'm going jogging next weekend,” Feliciano said.

“Oh, I know just the thing for you, sir. Please follow me.”

Good Lord, Lovino thought. Not only were they actually pretending to be customers, but he would have to watch how Feliciano had his girlfriend pick out clothes for him. He and Michela giggled like idiots as they kept trying out different colours and talking about which one went the best with Feliciano's hair, all the while pretending that they didn't know each other. It was ridiculous, and at the same time Lovino couldn't help but be a little jealous.

“I'll take these,” Feliciano said and turned around to show a light blue set of jogging pants and a shirt to Lovino.

“You're actually going to buy them?” Lovino asked.

“Sure! I can't go jogging if I have nothing to wear.”

“It doesn't actually matter what you wear, but I think you'll look cute in those,” Michela said. “And I'll never say no to a sale.”

“Can you give me a discount?” Feliciano asked hopefully.

“Sorry, no. My boss wouldn't like it.”

“Aww!”

“And can I get anything for you?” Michela asked, turning towards Lovino.

“What? No, no thanks.” He was usually silver-tongued when it came to women, but he found he didn't have it in him to lather Michela up with honey. He wanted to believe it was because he was an amazing guy who didn't go for the woman his kid brother liked, but deep down he knew that he didn't want to deal with the feeling of rejection he'd get when Michela didn't return his playful words the way she did Feliciano's.

“Actually, I think I'll go,” he announced. He still had enough time, but it was getting uncomfortable in the store. He couldn't believe he was feeling like a third wheel even when he didn't have feelings for anyone involved in the situation. How deprived and sad could he get?

“Already? But you didn't even say hello to her. It's not like you to treat a woman like that,” Feliciano said.

“I'm not here to buy anything, so if I talk to her, it's just a waste of her time.” He turned to flash his best smile at Michela. “I'll charm you off your feet when you come to eat at our place some time. See you later.”

“Sure. Bye!” The smile she offered him was friendly without a trace of pity, so his spirits improved a little as he made his way out of the shop. He should focus on the positive, he decided. Despite being sickeningly cute and having the ability to make girls swarm around him, Feliciano had somehow been unlucky in love all his life. Women liked to hang out with him, but few actually got interested in him enough to consider steady dating. 

Maybe Michela would be different. She seemed to be the kind of person who got along with everyone, but Lovino had the feeling that she wasn't stupid and clueless like Feliciano. Maybe she'd have a positive effect on him.

Heracles lived on the fourth and topmost floor of an old block of flats. The paint, which Lovino guessed had once been light blue, was pale after years of being exposed to the sunlight and peeling off in many places. Right next to the house stood another nearly identical one, the only difference between them being that this one was green. A grey elm was stuck between the buildings, and Lovino couldn't help but feel sorry for it for having to grow in such a cramped space.

He checked the address one more time and stepped into the house. There was an elevator, but it looked so ancient that he decided he didn't want to take the risk. By the time he had climbed to the top floor, he was leaning on the cracked wooden railing for support. Much like his brother, he hated exercise.

Dammit, now he was all sweaty and out of breath, he thought in irritation as he brushed away the hair that had got stuck on his forehead. There was an open window to his left, so he decided to go look out for a minute before starting to search for Heracles' apartment.

The view could hardly be called beautiful. The roof of the building next door dominated it, and what little else there was mostly consisted of the poor grey elm and the street with cars parked on both sides. Whenever Lovino visited places like this, he was reminded of the fact that he should be grateful for the house his family owned.

He'd take a look at that leak in the attic this weekend, he decided. He couldn't let Grandma's house rot.

There was the sound of a door opening behind him. When he turned to look, he saw Heracles standing at the doorway of one of the apartments with a questioning frown on his face.

“Aren't you going to come in?” he asked.

“How did you know I was already here?”

“I saw you from the window. I was starting to think the elevator got stuck again.”

“I didn't take it. The piece of shit looks like a death trap.”

Heracles nodded. “Wise choice. It usually takes at least two hours for the landlord to fix it.”

Lovino followed Heracles into his apartment. It wasn't big and only consisted of a small kitchen, a bathroom and one room that served as both a bedroom and a living room. He wasn't all too surprised to see that everything was one big mess, except for a corner where someone had obviously tried to organize the newspapers and books into neat piles but had grown tired of it before finishing. The bed was unmade, and there were books even in there. A laptop was peeking from under the pillow.

“Sorry. It's a little untidy,” Heracles said.

“Nothing I'm not used to.” In fact, the room almost had a calming effect on him. Most of the people in his life were always telling him he should clean more and be more organized – even his idiot brother did, dammit –, so it was refreshing to meet someone who shared his lifestyle.

There was a rustling sound somewhere in the room, and suddenly one of the newspapers began to move. Two paws became visible as the animal under the pages stretched and then rolled over to reveal its entire grey and striped body. Yellow eyes spent a moment observing Lovino before they closed again as their owner fell back asleep.

“You have a cat,” Lovino commented.

“He's not mine. I keep my window open, and they come and go as they please. I think there's another one here somewhere. I don't really keep track of them.”

“Well, as long as you don't have a dog. I don't like them.” And dogs didn't like him, as he was forced to experience every time some idiot thought that their dog was the sweetest thing ever and refused to put it on a leash in his presence.

“I just got up, so I haven't had any breakfast yet. Would you like something?”

“No, thanks.”

“Alright. I hope you don't mind if I have some coffee. Go ahead and sit somewhere.”

There was a chair in the corner where Heracles had been doing some cleaning. Lovino grabbed the pile of books on it and was about to move them away, but then his eyes fell on the cover and the title.

“Luscious Night Passions of the Gentleman Werewolf? You read this kind of shit?”

“No, I write it.”

“What? _This_ is the kind of writer you are?” Lovino looked at the name printed on the cover. Bastet Ricci. It appeared Heracles was using a pseudonym, and no wonder. Lovino would have rather died than had his name associated with crap like this.

“It pays the rent,” Heracles replied as he reappeared from the kitchen with a cup of coffee. “I write something more sophisticated in my spare time. Maybe I'll even get it published one day.”

Lovino opened the book on a random page and scanned it, but the first few lines made him slam it shut. Just his luck that he'd stumble right into an explicit sex scene. Then again, did books like these have any other kind of scenes?

“You can have it if you want to. I have more copies.”

“Uh...”

“They say it's my best work yet.”

“This isn't really my cup of tea. Maybe when you publish that other stuff you're writing.”

Since Lovino had claimed the only chair in the room, Heracles sat down on the floor. He had barely had the time to put his cup of coffee down when one of the other cats in the room decided to crawl out from under the covers on his bed and approach him. The cat brushed its head against Heracles' back before walking around him to lie down against his knee.

“And that's not yours either, right?” Lovino guessed.

“She's a stray, like most of the others. I let them sleep here and leave them food on the balcony.”

“Don't they bug you? I mean, I'm sure they make a mess.”

“I never noticed anything,” Heracles said, and Lovino supposed it was no surprise. The only thing anyone could notice in this apartment was if someone suddenly decided to clean it.

Lovino watched Heracles drink his coffee and stroke the cat in his lap. He wasn't really sure what he was doing here anymore. He had been right; meeting someone in the morning like this didn't lead to the kind of atmosphere that was needed for what he wanted.

“Could you go to the kitchen and get that bowl of figs on the table? I don't want to make the cat get up,” Heracles said.

“Sure.”

The kitchen was tidier than the other room, and Lovino instantly saw that he and Heracles had the same taste in many things. The scent of spices in the air reminded him of the days when his grandmother had used to do an inventory of her kitchen cupboards. The olive oil on the shelf was home-made. He took a peek into one of the cupboards to see what kind of bread Heracles ate and was pleased to see that he either baked his own or bought it in a good bakery. Anyone who ate factory-baked bread could go to hell for all he cared.

He decided to grab a slice of the bread as a reward for carrying the figs around like a butler. He had to rummage around a little before he found a knife, and his search rewarded him with an item that looked a little out of place in Heracles' kitchen.

There was a ceramic plate at the back of one of the cupboards. A blue crane and a view of a mountain were painted on it in extreme detail. The style reminded Lovino of Asia, but he wasn't enough of an expert to name the country. In any case, the plate was beautiful, and he put it back carefully so that it wouldn't break.

“I took some of your bread,” he announced as he returned.

“You can have more if you want. That way I don't have to take any with me when I leave today,” Heracles said.

“Right, you said you'll be out of town. Where are you going?”

“My parents have a farm near Roccasecca. They need my help with something, so I'm going to visit them for a few days.”

“Oh, what's it like there?” Lovino asked, finding himself genuinely interested for the first time during their conversation.

“It's only a small place. They use everything they produce themselves. But sometimes they send me figs.”

Lovino's eyes moved to the fruit that Heracles was slowly munching. He wasn't a stranger to fresh fruit, but knowing that these came straight from someone's own farm tickled his imagination in a way he liked and reminded him of his stupid dream of having his own spot of land one day.

“Have one,” Heracles suggested, and Lovino didn't need to be told twice. The fig was just as delicious as it looked like and had fewer seeds than he had expected. He couldn't help but wonder what Heracles' parents did to grow them like that.

“Did you grow up on the farm?” he asked.

Heracles replied with an affirmative hum. “It was a good place for a child. Very quiet.”

“If you like things quiet, why did you move to Rome?”

“I can't write at home. There's always something to do, and after that all I want is to lie down and sleep.”

Heracles talked more about the farm and the surrounding countryside, describing his childhood in the small, sleeping village and how everyone there welcomed him back like their favourite son whenever he visited. His stories weren't detailed, but Lovino could picture everything in his mind like he was there. He didn't know if it was because Heracles was a writer and knew how to give him just enough information to feed his imagination, or because he had spent years fantasizing about living in a place like that where he could hide from all the things and people he didn't like.

“By the way, I'm sorry if you came here expecting sex. I'd rather not because I'm always sleepy afterwards, and I don't want to miss my train. But I can give you a hand job if you'd like,” Heracles said all of a sudden, right in the middle of talking about how to fix a tiled roof.

“What?” Lovino realised that he had entirely forgotten why he had come here. “No, no. You don't have to. I... I guess I owe you after last time, so it wouldn't be right if only I...”

“Alright. Next time then.”

“Okay.”

Lovino was a little startled to realise that his earlier apprehension about meeting Heracles for the second time was entirely gone and that he was actually looking forward to the third time. Antonio and Belle hadn't been on his mind ever since he had stepped in through the door, and there was no describing the relief of simply enjoying himself without constantly thinking about something he couldn't have.


	6. Chapter 6

Lovino lifted the lid on the pan to see how the tomato and boar sauce for the _tagliatelle_ pasta was doing. He dipped a spoon into the mixture, blew onto it and slipped it into his mouth. Pleased with the taste, he put the lid back and turned his attention to Feliciano who was almost done putting basil on the _bruschetta._ As usual, the little slices of bread looked like pieces of art because Feliciano couldn't help but get silly with the tomatoes, onions and olive oil and try to make them as pretty as possible.

“Aren't you done already?” Lovino asked in exasperation.

“Almost there! I want to make them extra beautiful tonight because Michela is coming.”

“It's more important what they taste like. I sure hope you didn't overdo it with the onion again just because you want them to look balanced.”

“Nah, I learned my lesson!”

“Good. Now don't do anything if I haven't told you to.”

Even though everyone in the house knew how to cook, it was accepted that Lovino was the one who had inherited Grandma Vargas' skills. When she had been in the hospital, she had asked him to make sure that the rest of the family would never be hungry, and it was a responsibility he took seriously. The kitchen was his kingdom.

His grandfather had decided to invite Antonio and Belle over for a large family dinner because he had been unable to make it to their wedding. He had bought a big chunk of lamb so that they could make _abbacchio_ – one of the few dishes in which Lovino liked potatoes. He had had the whole day off so that he could prepare everything. Now he was exhausted but very pleased with himself because there was enough food to feed a small army.

“I made some extra gelato with Grandpa this morning, so there should be enough left for dessert,” Feliciano said.

Lovino hadn't wanted to have gelato because when you had to make and sell something every day, it lost its appeal. But Belle loved it, so he had given in and agreed to a compromise in which he baked a pie so that those who had gelato coming out of their ears could have something else.

He glanced at the clock. It was getting close to nine, so the gelato shop was closing, and Grandpa and Giorgio should be heading home soon. He was expecting Antonio and Belle to be the last to arrive because Antonio was so slow with everything.

The doorbell rang, and Feliciano looked up from his bowl of chopped opions. 

“That must be Michela! I'll get it!”

He shoved the bowl into Lovino's hands and ran for the door. His happy greeting revealed who was at the door, so Lovino wasn't surprised when he returned with Michela a few moments later.

“Oh, wow, where did all this food come from?” she asked, looking around with surprised eyes.

“Lovino made it! He's a great cook. Wait until you try it.”

“It smells lovely. Good thing we're going jogging tomorrow. I think I'm going to need some extra exercise soon.”

Lovino shot a smug look in Feliciano's direction, but his brother was still so enamoured by Michela that he didn't seem to register what sort of hell was awaiting him. When they had been in school, they had both been constantly scolded by their teachers for either skipping their physical education classes or performing poorly. He'd love to see Feliciano's pathetic attempt at jogging and Michela's reaction to it.

“Would you like to help? There are still a few things to do,” Feliciano asked.

“Idiot, you can't ask a guest to help,” Lovino said and grabbed a pot patch so that he could get a look at the abbacchio.

“It's okay, but I can't cook. I'd just ruin whatever I touch. I could set the table instead,” Michela suggested.

“Good idea! I'll help you! Lovino doesn't like when there are too many people in the kitchen.” 

Feliciano and Michela disappered into the dining room, leaving Lovino to finish alone. He didn't mind all too much because not having to talk to anyone meant he could direct all of his attention to the food and make sure it was all perfect. To his slight surprise, he wasn't bothered by their giggling or the sudden lack of it which probably meant that they were kissing.

He spent a moment examining his feelings as he listened to the bubbling of the tomato sauce. Knowing that his brother was happy made him happy as well. It was a realisation that was obvious to most people, but the past few months, Lovino had spent so much time feeling jealous and bitter that he had started to wonder whether he was hopeless at being a decent human being. He had forgotten how nice it was to feel happy for someone else.

The doorbell rang again, and he let Feliciano take care of it. He could hear the happy greetings all the way to the kitchen and knew that Antonio and Belle were there. It also meant that his peace in the kitchen was short-lived since the first thing Antonio did was come and give him a hug.

“Stop that, dammit! I'm cooking!”

“But I haven't seen you in such a long time!”

“It's been two days!”

“So? I don't need a reason to hug my friends.”

“At least do something productive with your hands. Go and stir the sauce!”

Antonio laughed and did just that. Lovino never counted him as a guest, not even now when they were having dinner to celebrate his marriage. Antonio was just Antonio. He could push him around as much as he liked, and it never changed anything.

“Did you see Grandpa and Giorgio? They're late,” he said.

“No, we took a short-cut. We didn't even walk past the shop.”

“Probably talking to some women again. I told them they should hurry or we'd start without them.”

“There's no hurry, but Belle is a little cranky. I think she hasn't eaten anything today because she wanted to have an appetite tonight.”

“Like she needs to starve herself to enjoy my cooking,” Lovino muttered, deciding that he was going to cut the best piece of the lamb for Belle.

The happy feeling he had got from visiting Heracles had gradually faded, but he hadn't sunken quite to the same level of resentment as before. His feelings about the situation hadn't changed at all, but he now knew that it was possible for him to forget about them and be content, maybe even happy. It made him think that maybe everything would get easier in time. Maybe he'd one day be able to look at Antonio and Belle smile at each other and be happy for them without feeling sorry for himself at the same time.

There was the sound of the front door opening, so Lovino figured that everyone was finally there. And just in time, too. He didn't want to keep boiling the sauce any longer, but he also didn't want to let it get cold.

He made sure everything was fine in the kitchen, washed his hands and walked into the dining room to see if Feliciano and Michela were done with the table. However, the question died on his lips when he realised one very unpleasant fact upon entering.

There was an extra person. And not just anyone but the one who was guaranteed to ruin this night for him.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked when Gilbert lifted a hand in greeting. “How did you find out? Nobody invited you!”

His grandfather appeared from the doorway and came to lean on Gilbert, placing his hands on his shoulders. “I did! We ran into him on our way home, and then I remembered that he was at the wedding as well since you brought him home. There's no reason why we can't have one more guest, especially since he's a friend of both you and Antonio!”

“He's not my friend!”

“Then I think it's high time you get to know each other better. You do that, and I'll go and take over in the kitchen for a bit,” Romulus said, giving Lovino a pat on the back as he walked past him.

“God, you have some fucking nerve,” Lovino growled at Gilbert.

“What? What did I do?”

“Invited yourself over!”

“I didn't! You heard what your gramps said. He asked me to come.”

“And it didn't cross your mind to say no? Didn't you realise that if nobody invited you earlier, it means nobody actually wants you here?”

“Now that's cruel,” Gilbert said, but he kept smiling like nothing was wrong. “But I get you. People are always nervous when I'm at a party because they're afraid I'll steal all the attention. Don't worry. I'm sure people won't forget that you're here, too.”

Lovino groaned, figuring that it was a lost cause to try to make Gilbert leave. He was so stupid and self-centred that even a direct order wouldn't make him realise that he wasn't wanted there. And then there were other idiots like his grandfather who had invited him, and Feliciano and Antonio who hurried to say hello to him. Losers.

“How was the honeymoon?” Gilbert asked. At first Lovino thought he was actually capable of holding a conversation about something other than himself, but upon seeing the bastard's self-satisfied smirk, he realised he was probably just fishing for compliments since he had arranged the house.

“Great! But you should have told us there was a pool so that I could have brought my bikini!” Bella said.

Gilbert looked momentarily taken aback. “There was? I mean, of course there was! But the house was so awesome that I totally forgot to mention that one detail, hahaha.”

“How did you even get that house for us in the first place? It must have cost a fortune,” Antonio said.

“Would you believe me if I said it's mine?”

“No,” everyone said in unison.

“Aww, why won't anyone believe that I'm secretly from an ancient German noble family and super rich?”

“Because if you were, you would never shut up about it,” Antonio said.

“Everyone's so mean to me tonight!”

“Most people would take that as the hint to drag their ass to the door and get out,” Lovino said.

Antonio laughed good-heartedly and reached out to ruffle his hair. “Don't take it so seriously, Lovi! We're just teasing him, just like we like to tease you.”

Lovino made a face, not liking to be compared to the worthless potato sack. He didn't want Antonio to treat them the same. He had known him much longer. Antonio was _his_ best friend. They had grown up together. Gilbert was just some stupid guy he had met somewhere.

“You know what I think?” Feliciano chimed in. “I think we should eat now because I'm really hungry!”

Belle raised her hand. “I agree!” She grabbed Michela's hand and brought it up as well. “And so does she! Let's eat!”

“Don't come complaining to me when we run out of food because there's an extra mouth,” Lovino grumbled as everyone was choosing seats, save for him and his grandfather who would carry the dishes from the kitchen.

“You always cook so much that we're eating leftovers for half a week, so don't worrry,” Feliciano said.

“You never know,” Lovino muttered on his way to the kitchen.

When he got back with the wine and water, there was yet another unwelcome surprise waiting for him. Everyone else had already taken a seat, and the only one that was left for him was at the end of the table. That wasn't a problem, and he liked to think they had left that spot for him because he had cooked everything. Belle was sitting to his left, which was nice, but the real problem was that his neighbour on the right was Gilbert.

“Can't you sit anywhere else?” he asked.

“What's wrong with this?”

“You're sitting too close to me.”

“Believe me, I'd much rather sit with Antonio, but I was distracted by these yummy pieces of bread, so I got what was left.” Gilbert lifted a half-eaten piece of bruschetta to illustrate his words and then shoved all of it into his mouth. Watching him eat made Lovino grimace, and he quickly turned his attention to his wine so that he wouldn't lose his appetite.

Dammit, he thought. He had been looking forward to this night, and now it was ruined because of that idiot. He couldn't imagine why his grandfather had invited him. Hadn't he made it perfectly clear that he couldn't stand Gilbert? Then again, his grandfather was known for getting stupid ideas, much like Feliciano. It was times like this that Lovino missed his grandmother more than ever. She would have understood that there was no need to try to get along with everyone if he didn't like them.

She had always stood up for him, even when nobody else had. When he had been angry at everyone because of his parents, she had told him to scream at his stuffed toys until he felt better, not throw sand at the other kids on the playground or hit them. He considered it the best piece of advice he had ever got, so he still kept an old bear at the very back of his closet for those emergencies when he felt like punching someone.

He imagined what would happen if she was still there. She'd probably pull him aside when nobody was looking and tell him that she agreed that Gilbert was a useless piece of shit but that he should think of Antonio and Belle and not cause a scene. Then they would have spent hours making fun of his stupid blond hair and ugly accent while doing the dishes the following day.

“What are you smiling at?” Gilbert asked.

“None of your business.”

“Don't be such a sourpuss! Look, everyone else is smiling!”

As much as Lovino disliked Gilbert, he couldn't deny that he had a point. He was the only one who would suffer if he let himself be too angry because Gilbert was here. He wouldn't get anything out of the dinner he had worked so hard to make perfect, and the others would just think he was petty and blame him for ruining the evening even though Gilbert was the real cause.

“I'm not going to smile just because you tell me,” he insisted, but the ire was gone from his voice.

“Not even if I tell a really good joke?”

“Ha, like that's even possible.”

“Okay, how's this? How do you shut up an Italian?”

Lovino only pursed his lips, waiting for the inevitable unfunny conclusion.

“You tie his hands behind his back! Hahaha!”

“That's total crap. Let's see about this. Germany have never beaten Italy in the FIFA World Cup.”

A few moments passed by, then Gilbert lifted his brows. “Yeah, and? What's the punchline?”

“I wasn't telling you a joke. I was stating a fact.”

“That's not fair! I'm doing my best to make you laugh, and you're making me cry!”

“Too bad. I'm never going to laugh at any of your stupid jokes.”

Belle reached over the table to poke them both in the arm with her fork. “Stop fighting, you two. You're acting like you're five.”

Grumbling to himself, Lovino returned his attention to his wine. He had the feeling he was going to need a lot of it that night. He was about to let Gilbert know that he had better not overdo it like he did at the wedding so that they wouldn't have to take the carpets out to be cleaned because he had vomited on them, but he decided against it. As much as he liked annoying Gilbert, he didn't want to remind him of the kiss. Either one of them might let something slip, and he didn't need any of the others to know about that fiasco.

They moved on to the main course, eating slowly so that they could talk more easily. Lovino wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to talk to Belle, but he felt awkward doing it because no matter how normal the topic was, he couldn't help but feel guilty for his feelings for her. He might have tolerated Gilbert enough to have further arguments with him, but he and Giorgio discovered they both liked some stupid band and started ranting about their latest album. Lovino listened to it with half an ear and wondered how anyone could get so worked up over something so unimportant.

A glance at the others told him that Belle and Michela were discussing something over the table while his grandfather, and Antonio and Feliciano were engaged in wondering what they would paint on the walls if they ever renovated the gelato shop. It was a much-discussed topic that never found a definite conclusion since everyone had such different opinions. His grandfather didn't want to get rid of his explicit frescoes, Antonio was obsessed with turtles, and Feliciano changed his mind every day.

He was about to pour more wine for himself, but he was interrupted by a faint vibrating sensation against his leg. It was his phone, and he dug it out of his pocket in confusion. Most people who might want to contact him were present.

_Sitting on the roof trying to write. Can't think of anything. You?_

It was Heracles, he realised in slight surprise. He hadn't heard from him after he had gone to visit his parents, but he had been thinking about him more than he wanted to. His feelings kept alternating between worry about that he was going to screw up somehow and a vague feeling of hope he hadn't yet identified.

He wasn't looking for a relationship, he kept telling himself. He still found himself thinking about Belle – and sometimes Antonio – at night, and he didn't want to make things even more complicated by adding anyone into it. But there was no denying that getting a message out of the blue brightened his night. Only part of it was that it was from Heracles. A much larger side of him was happy simply because _someone_ was thinking about him. Pathetic or not, it was nice.

He began to type a brief reply, telling him that he was having dinner with his family.

Just as he was done, Gilbert leaned closer to take a look. “What are you doing? Playing some game?”

“No,” Lovino said and shielded the screen with his hand. “I'm talking with a friend.”

“In the middle of having dinner? Do you think everyone here is that boring?”

“No, it's just that your voice is so loud that it prevents me from hearing what anyone else is saying, so I might just as well talk to someone I like.”

“Yeah, and who's that?”

“You don't know him,” Lovino said and couldn't decide if he felt superior or insulted at the slightest twitch of Gilbert's smile.

“Oh... Is he your boyfriend or something?”

“I don't see why I should tell you.”

“Guess he's not,” Gilbert said with a chuckle. “I mean, if he were, why would you have... you know, back at the wedding...?”

“Keep your damn mouth shut!”

“Haha, yeah, we already established that we're totally cool about that, right?”

“You're the one who made a problem out of it. I don't even want to talk about it, but you just keep bringing it up over and over again. It's like you're obsessed.”

For once, it seemed that Gilbert had no quick answer to give. He let out an awkward “Uh...” and flashed him a nervous grin. If Lovino hadn't been so utterly tired of this topic, he might have used the chance to knock him down a peg or two.

Thankfully, they were saved from further awkwardness when his grandfather suddenly stood up with a wide smile on his face and holding a glass of wine. Everyone quieted and turned to look at him.

“You know, I felt a little bad about not being able to make it to the wedding because I really wanted to give a speech, so I'm going to do it now.”

Lovino glanced at the others and came to the conclusion that he was the only one who thought this was a bad idea. Feliciano and Antonio were idiots and wouldn't get half of what Romulus was saying. Belle and Giorgio wouldn't mind any of it, and Gilbert and Michela didn't know his grandfather enough to expect anything out of the ordinary.

“Alright, so Antonio and Belle... I was actually a little surprised when the two of you started going out. For a moment there I thought Lovino was going to snatch her, but I guess that was just the grandfather in me thinking that his grandkid is the best catch!”

Lovino wished he could have slid under the table, but he found some comfort in the fact that everyone else was chuckling good-heartedly and hadn't realised what a kick to the balls such a comment was.

“I'm going to skip all the other things and go straight to the main point. Since I'm the only one here who has been married, I think I'm more than qualified to give you some pointers. My marriage lasted for over thirty years because Lavinia and I followed one really simple rule. We never went to bed angry, but –”

Here we go, Lovino thought in dismay.

“– we certainly went to bed a lot!”

“Grandpa, stop! We've all heard these jokes before,” he said.

His grandfather pursed his lips and looked offended. “I was just setting the mood. The best part is still coming, and it's all original by Romulus Vargas. I want to give Antonio some advice on how to keep Belle happy and stop their marriage from getting boring.”

“We don't need to hear that!”

“I don't know,” Antonio chimed in. “I think I could always use some extra tips.”

Belle gave him a poke on the arm and smiled crookedly. “You're pretty good already. You kept me happy all through the honeymoon.”

“Yeah, but it was a lot of work to keep bringing you all those drinks to the pool every time you asked.”

“If you all don't stop right now, this dinner is over!” Lovino announced. Dammit, was he really the only one who thought it was tacky to start joking about someone's sex life at the dinner table? Especially when half the people present were such idiots that they had no idea what they were even talking about. 

His grandfather let out a disappointed sigh. “Sometimes you can be such a spoilsport. We're all adults here and nobody lacks experience, so it shouldn't be a big deal.”

“But some of us have some common decency.” That, and he loathed the grin on Gilbert's face. It wasn't hard to imagine what was going on inside his head. He had no right to think about Belle that way, so Lovino would put an end to this charade right now, even if it meant kicking his own grandfather out of the house.

“Fine,” his grandfather said with a huff. “I guess I'll have to skip right to the end. But it's quite a speech you're all missing. But alright. The most important thing I wanted to say was going to be this anyway.”

“It had better not be anything stupid,” Lovino muttered.

“I don't want to start this with a melancholy note, but I know it's probably going to be a bit hard for you two from now on. Getting used to married life isn't easy, especially in your case since Antonio's parents moved back to Spain, and Belle's family is all the way in Belgium. But don't you worry because Grandpa Vargas is here to help you! I've always seen Antonio as my third grandson who just lives away, and I couldn't ask for a better granddaughter than you! So you can always come to me if you need anything, and you'll get it!”

Okay, that was far better than what Lovino had been expecting.

“Aww, that's really sweet!” Belle rose from her seat to go and give Romulus a hug, and even though he was clearly enjoying it more than he should have, Lovino couldn't bring himself to grow annoyed.

“Thanks,” Antonio said, looking a little bewildered. “That means a lot to us.”

“I'll join in on Grandpa's promise! We've always been like family anyway!” Feliciano said.

Romulus wrapped his arm around Feliciano's shoulder so that he could pull him into the hug with Belle. “And family always sticks together, no matter what happens!”

Even though Lovino was often sure family would also drive him crazy one day, he didn't have it in him to point out anything along those lines. He was too glad to have people who would always stick with him even if he was an ungrateful dick about half of the time.

He was a little surprised that Gilbert hadn't already added anything corny into the mix, so he turned to look at him to see what he was up to. Gilbert was watching the strange half-wrestling that had developed out of the hug when Antonio had decided to join in. He was smiling, but it was ugly – sure, he always looked ugly to Lovino now that he knew what a jerk he was, but this was his ugliest smile yet. It looked like he could barely keep it up and that if he let his concentration slip just for a moment, it would turn into a grimace.

What the hell is his problem all of a sudden, Lovino wondered, but he didn't ask.

They decided to save the dessert for later. After family dinners like this, everyone was usually feeling so bloated that they couldn't do much more than sit and digest what they had swallowed. Lovino didn't even want to entertain anything more troublesome than rolling into the living room and collapsing into an arm chair, but some of the others had more energy. Feliciano wanted to show his paintings to Michela and Gilbert, so he dragged them up to his room for a show.

His grandfather turned on the radio, and those of them who only wanted to have some rest settled down in the living room. It didn't take long before Antonio fell asleep. He and Belle had taken over the coach, and she was curled up against him and playing with his hair.

“Do you have a marker? We could draw something on his face,” she whispered once she noticed that Lovino was watching.

“They're all upstairs. You can't make me go there.”

“Come on, please? I'm not going to draw anything stupid on him. And not with a permanent marker. He's got work tomorrow.”

Lovino knew it was a lost battle. He just couldn't say no to her. He groaned as he forced his heavy body off the chair and began to drag himself towards the stairs. There was a draft when he walked past the entrance to the kitchen, and when he poked his head in to take a look, he saw that the door to the small balcony was open. Gilbert was leaning onto the railing and watching the street below.

“I thought you were supposed to be looking at Feli's paintings.”

Gilbert made a little jump and turned to look at him in surprise. “What? Oh, yeah, but I figured they might want some time alone, so I said I'm going to the bathroom.”

“Hah, as if you knew how to be considerate. But why are you here? Everyone else is in the living room, and I thought you were supposed to be the life of the party.”

“I am! But I'm taking a break from that so that I won't totally overwhelm you all.”

Lovino rolled his eyes. There was a number of questions flying around his head, but he didn't want to ask any of them. He didn't need to know why Gilbert was being weird all of a sudden or why he wanted to be alone on the balcony. It was none of his goddamn business.

He should just go, he knew, but one glance towards the living room told him that he didn't need to bother with the marker anymore. Belle had collapsed against Antonio so that they were now sleeping as a pile on the couch.

Against his better judgement, he decided to join Gilbert on the balcony.

“Move your ass. Don't take all the fresh air for yourself!”

“I was here first!”

“This is my home!”

He squeezed through the entrance so that they were both standing outside. The wind had picked up and felt wonderful as it ruffled his hair. Lovino grabbed the iron railing and felt himself relax as he listened to the sounds of the city at night. As much as he longed for a quiet life in the countryside, this was what he had grown up with. This was familiar and helped him relax.

“So, Antonio tells me that you two pretty much grew up together,” Gilbert said.

“Yeah? So?”

“Just wondering. It's a little weird when someone you used to play with gets married and starts a completely new life, huh? I have this friend who got married to my sissy cousin of all people. We used to hang out all the time, but now she's busy playing a good housewife for him.”

“Hmmh.”

“I have no idea why everyone's in such a hurry to get married. That's pretty much the end of having fun! I'll never do it!”

“Like anyone would take you.”

“I had women lining up outside my door back home! That's why I had to move to Italy. To get away from them.”

Lovino tuned out Gilbert's babbling and found himself wondering if he'd ever get married. He liked the idea of having the kind of happy, cozy home his grandparents had offered him and maybe have a few children of his own, but he wasn't at all sure if he had what it took to maintain a stable life like that. Was there any woman in the world who would tolerate his whims?

Besides, continuing to see Heracles was pretty counter-productive since he couldn't even have a civil union with – oh, what the hell, they weren't even dating and he was already thinking about shit like this?

“All this marriage crap is screwing with my head,” he grumbled.

“Yeah, I hope nobody else gets married in a while.”

“I doubt I have to worry about Feli in some time yet. What about your brother and that hot girlfriend of his?”

“What?” Gilbert seemed startled for a moment. “Oh, right! Yeah, I don't know. Probably not any time soon because I would so be the first person Ludi told about it if he was going to pop the question. There's no way he can propose to her without asking his awesome big brother for some advice first!”

“Why would he ask someone who doesn't even want to get married for advice?”

“Because I give the best advice no matter what the topic is!”

“God, you're obnoxious. I'm going to put something into that stupid mouth of yours to shut you up.”

“Uh...”

“Dessert! Idiot! We skipped it, but let's have some now.”

Lovino pushed his way back into the kitchen and wrenched open the fridge to take out the pie he had baked. It was a _crostata_ filled with peaches.

“Do you want pie or gelato?” he asked, reaching to open the freezer.

“Both!”

“You can't have gelato with crostata!”

“Why not?”

“Because it's weird!”

“But I like both! I don't want to choose! Come on, let me have both!”

Their fighting grew so loud that after a while, Antonio staggered into the kitchen to see what was going on. Once he saw that they were having dessert, he ran back into the living room and dragged a half-asleep Belle with him. Lovino was hoping that they would join him in convincing Gilbert that putting gelato on top of a slice of crostata was a terrible idea, but Belle warmed up to it right away.

“Yeah, up north, we've got better taste,” Gilbert said a moment later, happily spreading the gelato around so that it completely covered his slice.

“I hope you choke on that,” Lovino said and took a piece of his very much gelato-free share.

“The only reason you don't like this is because I suggested it.”

“No, I don't like it because it's a stupid idea and the fact that you suggested it just proves that.”

“Come on, it's not that serious. It's not like he's putting anything weird on it. And I bet a lot of people like to combine them,” Antonio said. He had followed Lovino's example, much to his satisfaction, but he kept trying to steal a piece of Belle's slice when he thought she wasn't looking.

“It's actually pretty good,” she said.

Great, now the bastard was corrupting her. Lovino was swift to add that to his mental list of reasons why Gilbert should never be invited to dinner again.


	7. Chapter 7

Around ten o'clock in the morning, a red-faced, sweaty and panting creature poked his face into the gelato shop. It was only thanks to years of experience with such scenes that Lovino was able to tell that the thing was actually his brother.

“W-wa-wa... wa...” Feliciano stuttered as he fell on the floor, first on his knees and then sliding down on his stomach like his spine had been removed.

“What the hell is your problem?” 

“Water... Lovi, please... water...”

Ah, right, Lovino realised. It was Saturday, so Feliciano had gone on his jogging date with Michela. And apparently it had gone about just as well as Lovino had expected.

“You're a goddamn idiot,” he muttered as he walked over to pick his brother up from the floor and sat him down on a chair. “Stop acting like cooked spaghetti! You're scaring the customers!”

The only answer from his brother was a whine, so Lovino went to the back to get him a glass of water. After a moment of contemplation, he decided to bring a whole bottle with him. When he returned, he saw that Michela had entered the shop as well and was shaking Feliciano with a worried frown and trying to get a reaction out of him.

She looked up when she heard Lovino arrive. “I had no idea this would happen! I'm so sorry! Does he have some medical condition or –”

“Yeah, he's dumb as a bag of rocks and doesn't know his limits,” Lovino said. “Move aside for a moment.”

When Michela was safely out of the way, Lovino emptied half of the bottle on his brother's head. The water came straight from the fridge that they always kept at full power, so it was cold almost to the point of having flakes of ice floating around.

Feliciano let out a high-pitched squeal as the water gushed down his collar, and jumped up so fast that he hit his knee on the table. He fell back on the floor again, clutching his leg in his arms, but at least he was moving and making sounds again.

Lovino put the bottle on the table and shot his brother an exasperated look. “You're such an idiot. I bet you were so desperate to impress Michela that you never told her what a bad shape you're in or that you hate exercise. And now look what you got into!”

“I'm sorry! It's all my fault! If I hadn't asked him to come with me, this wouldn't have happened,” Michela said.

“Nah, don't worry. He's just stupid. These things are bound to happen if you stick with him.”

Some customers entered, so Lovino had to go back behind the counter and serve them. He was managing the shop alone that morning because his grandfather had some errands to run, so he had little time to deal with this brother. It seemed Michela was getting the hang of it, though, and helped him back up and then kept bringing the bottle of water to his lips so that he could drink. By the time Lovino was done with the customers, Feliciano was back to normal.

“Wow, that was some date. You totally knocked me out!” he blabbered.

“You should have told me it was too much for you. I would have taken it easier.”

“It's okay! I enjoyed the part in which I collapsed in the park and you had to carry me all the way here.”

Michela laughed and shook her head. “Next time we go on a sports date, we're doing something else. You've got to take small steps if you want to get in shape.”

“Mmh, next time? Are you serious?”

“Of course! It's not healthy if a little bit of running makes your body fail you. But don't worry, I'm going to be really gentle. We can start slow, and we'll choose the kind of activities that you like. Do you like tennis?”

“I wouldn't advice that. He has terrible aim and he bruises easily,” Lovino chimed in. He couldn't help but feel amused by the mixture of desperation and hope that was displayed on Feliciano's face. Having to partake in regular physical exercise no doubt felt like being sent to the lowest level of hell, but he was so smitten with Michela that he couldn't say no.

“Hmm, maybe some aerobics then...”

“Or we could just have slow strolls in the city and then go buy something good at a café! That's nice, too!” Feliciano suggested.

“But you need to be in better shape. It's no problem now when you're young, but when you get older, you're going to develop all kinds of problems.”

“But Lovino is in exactly the same shape! I shouldn't be the only one to do this!”

“Oh, no, keep me out of this!”

Michela's eyes brightened. “I know! Let's all go to the beach some time when we can all arrange a day off. Or maybe even the whole weekend. Then we can swim and play beach volleyball all day long.”

“Yeah, that would be nice!” Feliciano agreed at once. “I love the beach! It's so warm and the sand feels nice, and all the women –”

“Just make sure you won't almost drown this time,” Lovino cut in to save the idiot from shoving his foot in his mouth. Then again, Michela was so carefree and fun that she probably wouldn't have minded. She had to be used to his stupid blabbering if she was still hanging out with him.

Michela looked at Feliciano with some worry. “Do you know how to swim?”

“Sure!”

“If you can call that swimming. I wouldn't let him into deep water.”

“Maybe I'll teach you. Swimming is my favourite sport!”

Lovino let the two babble and plan the trip. Going to the beach might actually be fun and help him relax. Getting out of the city always made it easy to forget about everything that he didn't like about his life and pretend that none of it mattered. Learning to know new people was so straightforward there because nobody expected anything more than a few hours of swimming, drinking or playing games together, and after that everyone could go their way and never see each other again.

I should have probably gone to the beach and not that stupid party, he mused. But then he wouldn't have met Herakles, and then he wouldn't have his return to look forward to. And yet, he also wouldn't want to hit his head against the wall because there were moments when he was sure it would have been better to remain lonely but safe instead of risking humiliation and maybe worse if things went sour with him.

Herakles had sent him another message early that morning, telling him that he was coming back to Rome in the afternoon. He had said that Lovino could come and meet him at the station if he wanted. Lovino hadn't replied yet, and time was running out. He had spent the past few hours pretending that he hadn't noticed the message yet, but he had to reply soon if he didn't want Herakles to think he was avoiding him.

He offered Michela a cone of gelato on the house so that he'd have something to do for a moment and could delay the decision a little bit longer. She accepted happily and chose mango, saying that it reminded her of home.

“I wish you had star fruit or papaya. They're my favourite fruits,” she said.

“Maybe we could try putting them on the menu. Just for you,” Feliciano suggested.

“But I'd feel really guilty if they didn't sell.”

“It wouldn't be your fault,” Lovino pointed out. “We'd blame Feli since he's the one who suggested it.”

“But then I'd feel guilty that everyone was angry at him...”

“Oh, don't worry!” Feliciano said brightly. “Lovino is never angry at me for long. And he never means it. Its just a habit of his. If he bothers to really get angry at you, it usually means that he cares about you and is too embarrassed to show it any other way.”

“Shut up! Don't talk shit about me when I'm right here!”

“See, what did I tell you? A normal person would tell their brother how much he means to him, but here he is, pretending to be angry because I told you the truth.”

“A normal person would have stopped talking already!”

“I wish I had a sibling I could fight with,” Michela said with a sigh. 

“Yeah, it's great,” Feliciano agreed. “Sometimes Lovino is really mean to me, and I hate it when he spends too much time in the bathroom in the morning, but I've never actually wished that I was an only child.”

Lovino gritted his teeth and busied himself with making a huge cone of Feliciano's favourite gelato. He shoved it into his hands with a huff.

“There. Eat that so that you'll finally shut up.”

He didn't want to talk to anyone when his face felt like it was hot enough to fry an egg on, so he hid himself behind the counter and pretended he was occupied with work. He was glad when Feliciano's legs stopped feeling wobbly and he left with Michela so that they could shower at her place – and maybe more, but Lovino tried not to think about that.

He decided to write Herakles a reply before the remains of his determination disappeared. Telling himself that he wasn't being an idiot, he took out his phone and began to type that he'd be there when the train arrived. He hit send before he could change his mind and felt oddly relieved and anxious at the same time.

“Hey, who are you writing to?”

Lovino looked up to see his grandfather enter the shop, carrying a box. He placed it on the counter and leaned closer with a grin.

“Nobody,” Lovino said defensively and put the phone away before Romulus could grab it.

His grandfather let out a huff. “Oh, so it wasn't Antonio or you'd just tell me. You should be honest and let me know if you're seeing someone because –”

“I'm not seeing anyone!”

“It's nothing to be ashamed of! If there's someone you like, go and get them! When I was younger, everyone was telling me I shouldn't even dream of your grandmother because she was almost twenty years older than me, but I went after her anyway and look what happened!”

“Grandpa, now's not the time.”

Romulus leaned his chin on his palm and smiled dreamily. “Ah, Lavinia... She was amazing. We were the happiest couple in the world. The day you and Feliciano find someone like that is the day when I know I can go and see her again without worrying that she'll chew me out for doing a poor job at looking after you.”

Lovino said nothing, not sure how to deal with the uncomfortable twist in his stomach. Losing his grandfather was something he didn't want to think about. He had convinced himself that he didn't have to since he was still so energetic and so much younger than his grandmother had been, but he had been so sure she'd still be with them for longer, too.

“Don't blabber or the customers won't come in,” he said.

“Oh, don't be silly. They love hearing me tell stories.”

“The only ones who like that are your friends, and they're perverted old men like you!”

“I'm not that old! I'm in my prime! Half of our female customers come here because they want to catch a glimpse of Grandpa!”

Lovino couldn't be bothered to argue, so he simply rolled his eyes and went to take a look inside the box his grandfather had brought with him. There was some of the chocolate he had asked him to buy since they were almost out of it, and he was glad to notice that Romulus hadn't bought anything they didn't need like he usually did. It was probably because Feliciano hadn't been there to egg him on.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he didn't react. No need to give his grandfather more ammunition. He waited until he had an excuse to go to the back of the shop while Romulus was serving a customer and dug out the phone.

_Great. I'll see you then._

Lovino spent a moment wondering if he should write something back but decided against it. He had no idea what to say, and he would see Herakles in a few hours anyway.

***

As Lovino was standing on the platform and watched Herakles' train arrived, he couldn't help but feel that it had been a mistake to come there. He couldn't decide what he wanted. Part of him yearned to see Herakles again and talk to him, but another part was wondering if he only felt that way because Herakles had made him forget about Antonio and Belle for a moment. If that was the case, it wasn't fair that he kept talking to him.

But I deserve to be happy, too, he thought grumpily. Maybe he wasn't the hardest worker or the best friend or the most amazing brother or grandson in the world, but it wasn't fair that everyone around him had a nice life when he was permanently stuck feeling like shit. If being with Herakles helped him, he had the right to indulge in that, didn't he?

His thoughts were cut off when he spotted the train in the distance. It was almost fifteen minutes late, which was pretty punctual. He shifted his weight from one foot to another as he kept scanning the people pouring out to the platform.

Lovino wasn't sure what to do when he spotted Herakles in the crowd. How was he supposed to greet him? What should he say? “Welcome back” sounded so formal and like he had been expecting him. He had, but admitting it at this point would just – oh fuck, now he had noticed him and was coming his way.

“Hey,” he said awkwardly when Herakles stopped before him. “Uh, how was the trip?”

“Alright. My parents sent you this cheese,” Herakles said and handed a small package to him.

Lovino took it, unsure what to think. “Huh. So you... what did you tell them?”

“That I made a new friend. I thought it might be presumptuous to say that we're going out, so I didn't, but they probably think that anyway.”

“And... they don't mind?”

Herakles shrugged. “Not really. They're probably a little sad there won't be grandchildren, but I've known I'm like this before I hit puberty, so they've had time to get used to it. All that they want is that I find someone and bring him back to the farm. They think living in a city isn't safe.”

Lovino hummed in agreement. The lump of cheese felt nice in his hands, and he found himself liking Herakles' parents even if he had never met them. Anyone who thought home-made food was a good gift was a great person in his eyes, provided that the food wasn't anything disgusting, like something German or French.

“I'd like to go to their farm one day,” he found himself saying, momentarily lost in his fantasy of a quiet life in the countryside. “I mean, not permanently like your parents want or anything! Just to see it! Once!”

“You can come with me next time. I go there often.”

“But wouldn't that just convince your parents that there's something going on?”

“Would that bother you?”

“Uh...” What should he say? If he said yes, Herakles might read that as rejection. If he said no, he might think it was an invitation to build something more between them. Which one did he want?

“You don't have to answer if you don't know,” Herakles said.

“Would it bother _you?_ ” Lovino challenged. Hell if he was going to be some flustering idiot who didn't know how to talk when someone asked him an awkward question.

“No, but it might be difficult to explain them why you aren't moving with me to the farm. As accepting as they are, I think they would have a hard time understanding that I'm together with someone for reasons other than loving him.”

“Yeah,” Lovino agreed, but he wasn't sure if he was relieved to hear that or not. He didn't love Herakles either. But part of him _wanted_ to love him because he had the feeling that if he did, he could be very happy with him. They could go to the countryside and do farm work and then cook something nice and lie on the porch when it became dark.

He cleared his throat as they began to walk away from the platform. “So, why are you hanging out with me anyway if you aren't interested?”

“I didn't say I'm not interested. I just don't know if anything will come out of this. We did just want to make out at that party, after all.”

“I know,” Lovino said with a roll of his eyes. “Listen, I just wanted to fuck that night, but you're actually half-decent and don't make me want to blow my brains out. So, if you don't have a problem with it, we could just hang out some more. But if not, fine.”

“That's alright. I find myself in need of company lately.”

The question why was on Lovino's lips, but he held back. For as long as he wasn't telling Herakles about Antonio and Belle, he had no right to pry into his matters.

Herakles was a slow walker and liked to stop and look at the things they passed in the street, so it took a while before they reached a café that met Lovino's standards. He ordered them coffee, taking the liberty to decide for Herakles after he had spent over five minutes musing over the menu. 

“Did you get anything written while you were gone?” he asked.

“I don't write when I go home.”

“Why not? Shouldn't an idyll like that be the perfect place?”

“Not really if you grew up there. For me, the best place to feel inspired is in places where I've never been before.”

Lovino thanked the waiter who brought them their coffee and took a sip. He pursed his lips in approval. This café's prices were ridiculous, but as far as he was concerned, good coffee was a necessity just a little below air in importance.

“So, you travel a lot?” he asked. He'd never been out of Italy, and he didn't really care to change that. The thought of having to survive several days on some other country's horrible food was enough to make him shiver.

“I like seeing new places, but I don't like travelling. It's too bothersome. Sometimes I pick a place and go there for a few months, just to see the normal life. Travelling as a tourist doesn't interest me.”

“Can't say that it sounds like fun. I like it home,” Lovino said. “What's the last country you visited like that?”

“Japan.”

“That's pretty damn far away. How was it?”

Herakles picked up his cup of coffee and frowned at it for a moment. “There isn't much to say about it. I'd rather hear about you. I've told you so much about myself, but I don't know anything about you yet.”

“My life isn't interesting like yours. I live with my grandfather, my brother who wants to go to art school and my cousin, and we all work in this gelato shop Grandpa owns. That's it.”

Lovino didn't know whether to be satisfied with his life or not. He had a family and he had a job, but that wasn't enough to make him happy. He wanted something more, but he didn't know what it was or how to get it. Even when he had thought he had a chance with Belle, he hadn't imagined the two of them running the gelato shop together until handing it over to their kids. There had to be something more for him.

“I'll come to your shop one day,” Herakles said.

“Sure,” Lovino replied. “But not until it's almost closing time and not if I'm working with Grandpa or Feli because they're idiots and will say embarrassing things!”

“Would they think we're together?”

“Yeah, and I don't need something complicated like that right now. I'll introduce you later if there's a need for it. Feli did the same with his girlfriend.”

Herakles nodded. “That's alright.”

They finished their coffee, and Lovino offered to give Herakles a ride to his apartment. He had parked his Vespa near the café because he had been planning to treat him there. Herakles didn't strike him as the sort of guy who took anyone out and paid for them, so he supposed he'd be the one to do that every now and then.

He was used to giving people a ride, so he was beyond feeling embarrassed at having someone sit that close to him, even when it was Belle who sometimes needed a lift to class. It was impossible for two people to ride a Vespa and not touch, so it was nothing. That was why he was so surprised when he felt Herakles lean his head on his shoulder and put as much of his weight on him as he could.

“You okay?” he asked.

“The train left me tired, and this is comfortable.”

“Yeah, but don't fall asleep on me! I'm not cleaning up the mess if you slip off and get hit by a car.”

The only reply from Herakles was a hum. Lovino held back a sigh and forced himself to drive uncharacteristically slow and even follow the traffic rules. If the other really did fall asleep and something happened, at least he didn't want to give anyone an extra reason to blame it on him.

They arrived at the street where Herakles lived without an incident. Lovino parked by the cars in front of the house and turned his head as much as he could to catch a glimpse of his passenger.

“Hey, we're here,” he announced.

Hell, he really did fall asleep, he thought when there was no answer. Now what should he do? He could always yell and trash around until Herakles woke up, but he didn't want to bother him when he was so tired. It was sort of nice to have someone's weight on him like that. At the same time, having another man lean on him in public made his stomach clench nervously. He didn't like being too close with guys out in the open because then someone would always look at them funnily or voice their disapproval, and he didn't need mood killers like that when he was with someone he cared about.

But there was nobody else in the street, and he slowly allowed himself to relax. He had parked the Vespa in the shade of the grey elm that was growing between the house Herakles lived in and the one by it, but it was still getting a little too hot to his liking.

Dammit, next time we're doing this somewhere more comfortable, he thought as his back was starting to ache. He was in the middle of contemplating whether his need to stretch was greater than the pleasantness of Herakles leaning on him, but then he spotted one of the cats he had seen in his apartment last time. It was approaching them with lazy steps, and Lovino very much didn't like the look in its eyes.

“Don't even think about it. I'm not going to be a pillow for more than one person,” he growled and tried to push the cat away with his foot when it got closer. “Sure, he lets you do whatever you want in his apartment, but I'm not part of the deal!”

The cat ignored his curses, tensed its muscles and jumped, landing on Lovino's knees. He first reaction was to shove it off, but then he thought of his trousers, how much they had cost and what would happen if the cat decided to hold onto him with its claws.

“Naptime's over,” he announced and elbowed Herakles under the ribs. “Get yourself and your cat off me!”

He felt Herakles' weight be lifted off his shoulders as the other woke up and straightened his back.

“We're already here,” he said.

“Yeah, we've been for a while. And you fell asleep on me.”

“I'm sorry.”

“As long as you take your cat elsewhere, never mind.”

Herakles got off the Vespa and went to pick up the cat. It nearly jumped into his arms, curling up in the crook of his elbow and purring contently.

“Looks like you've been missed,” Lovino said.

“Me, or the food I leave them. They can feed themselves, but I think they like canned meat more than mice.”

“Who wouldn't?”

“True, but I don't want to spoil them too much. They should be able to look after themselves in case I have to stop feeding them.”

“I guess. But I figure I'll leave you to have a reunion with the cats. There's some stuff I have to get fixed at home, so I need to get going,” Lovino said.

“Sure. I should probably clean before I invite you in anyway.”

“I wouldn't mind the mess.”

“The cats like to sleep in my bed, so I should at least change the sheets. But I hope you won't care if I forget.”

“If you forget, I'll do it.” Hell, he'd even bring his own sheets. Just because he was a little disorganized didn't mean he was unsanitary. Especially if there was going to be something happening in that bed, and with the way things were developing, there most likely would be.


	8. Chapter 8

Lovino made sure everything that was needed for dinner was in the fridge. He had made lasagne two days ago, and there were still enough leftovers for three people if they had sandwiches, too. Since nobody was coming over, he guessed it would keep his grandfather, Feliciano and Giorgio alive until the following day.

He wasn't planning on staying. Heracles had invited him for dinner, and he had said yes, so he had to be out the door before anyone else got home. Otherwise they would ask questions that he wasn't ready to answer yet. He never introduced anyone to his family before he was sure that it would be something longer than a fling.

Satisfied with the food, he closed the door of the fridge. A photo of his grandmother was stuck to it with a magnet, and he briefly entertained the thought that she'd be proud of him for making sure the others wouldn't starve. Then he realised that he was being a fucking idiot and grimaced, embarrassed by himself.

He wrote a quick note explaining that he'd be out for dinner, purposefully not saying with whom. The others would assume he was visiting Antonio and Belle, so there wouldn't be any questions. Hopefully they would be in bed by the time he came back.

He made a detour to the basement to grab a bottle of wine and spent entirely too long choosing one and wanting to beat himself over the head for not having asked what Heracles' favourite brand was, or what they were having for dinner so that he could have picked something that complemented it. In the end, he grabbed his favourite and figured he'd use the chance to find out if Heracles' taste in wine was piss poor or not.

He had better like this, he thought as he climbed on his Vespa. There were a lot of flaws he could overlook in a partner, but not appreciating good wine was unforgivable.

Some time later, he was standing outside Heracles' door and hoping that he looked casual despite the effort he had put into his appearance, and knocked. It took a while before Heracles came to let him in, and Lovino's first reaction was to wonder if he was having second thoughts about this whole thing, but then he reasoned that he was probably busy in the kitchen – or it just took him a long time to walk to the door because he was slow.

“Here,” he said and shoved the bottle into Heracles' hands. “So that you won't think I'm a leech who just eats and leaves.”

“I wouldn't really mind. I invited you.”

“Doesn't matter.”

When he stepped into the apartment, he saw that Heracles had made an effort to tidy things up a little. Most of the books and newspapers were gathered in two huge piles in the corner, looking like one careless bump would make them fall. The bed was made, and even though there was a cat curled up on the covers, it looked neat – and most importantly – clean.

“Dinner isn't ready yet,” Heracles announced, walking into the kitchen to place the bottle on the counter.

Lovino followed, taking a look around in interest. There was a pot with boiling water on the stove, and based on the ingredients scattered on the counter, they were having pasta with vegetables.

“I don't care. I'm not hungry yet,” he said and grabbed a knife so that he could slice the olives. “But I will be soon, so I'm doing this so that it'll go faster.”

“Be my guest.”

Lovino was surprised to notice how easy it was to fall into a routine. He often had a difficult time cooking for the first time in someone else's kitchen because he liked to have things where he could grab them without giving it any thought. The world was full of idiots who kept their pots and cutlery in stupid places or hid the garbage can into a hidden cupboard where nobody with a brain would look for it. He hated cooking in kitchens like that because half of his time was spent on looking for things that should have been easy to find, but Heracles seemed to follow the same rules he did.

He glanced at him from the corner of his eye. Heracles was sautéing onions, and Lovino almost told him to add more garlic in the bunch, but then he realised that maybe they didn't want to eat too much of it. It might be a problem later if they wanted to...

Lovino swiftly turned his eyes back to his work. Did he want to? He was no longer here just because Heracles was a distraction from Antonio and Belle. He actually enjoyed his company. And Heracles was pretty attractive. And pleasant company. And he had good taste in things and led a quiet, comfortable life. There was no reason he shouldn't take a chance with him just for who he was.

“The olives are done,” he announced.

“Mm. Then we're just going to have to let this boil and wait.”

Lovino followed Heracles out of the kitchen and sat down, though he first made sure there was no cat curled up on the cushions of the chair. Heracles was seated at the desk. Now that the books and newspapers didn't dominate the room, there was enough space for his laptop there as well.

“Have you written anything?” Lovino asked.

“Not really. I need to do some research first.”

“Yeah? On what?”

“Armadillo mating habits.”

“Never mind, don't tell me about your book. I'm sure I don't want to know about that shit.”

“There's nothing unnatural about it.”

“There is if you're using it as a fucking plot point in your porn.”

“I'm just trying out different things. It's more fascinating this way, but I think my editor may ask me to change them into werewolves in the final draft. It wouldn't be a problem if she let me explore a more philosophical angle about the difference between man and beast, but as it is...”

“I guess everyone hates their job sometimes.” Lovino knew he did. He didn't mind getting up early or staying in late to clean, but it frustrated him to no end when some asshole came to yell at him and he couldn't give them a piece of his mind. The only exception had been that one time when a guy he had known in school had tried to start shit about his orientation, and his grandfather had kicked the bastard out. Other than that, he had to behave around customers, which left him with a lot of pent-up frustration that he didn't know how to release properly.

“I don't hate it. There are few things that get me worked up enough.”

“Like what?”

“My neighbour.”

“What do they do? Play loud music in the middle of the night?”

“Sometimes when he has his family over, but I could deal with that if that was my only contact with him. But I have to see him when I go pick up the mail in the morning, and he works at the store where I buy my groceries.”

“Then why don't you go to a different store?”

Heracles shot him an irritated look, and Lovino realised it was the first time he saw actual, raw emotion on his face – other than when they had been busy pawing at each other at the party, but that was hardly relevant.

“I can't let him win!” Heracles said. “If I started avoiding him, he would think he's better. I have to make _him_ want to avoid _me._ That's the only solution.”

“Sounds like you have a problem,” Lovino remarked as he got up to go to the kitchen to take a look at the stove. Heracles didn't seem to mind that he walked around like he owned the place, so he figured he'd get them plates and glasses while he was at it.

“I do. It's him.”

Lovino rolled his eyes at the pasta and began to pour the water out. It was somehow a relief to find out that Heracles was that fixated on someone. Hating his neighbours brought an element of normalcy to him. It was something Lovino could understand, unlike his books or his silence when he was musing on the things that happened around him.

When he returned to the other room, Heracles had moved on the bed and was scratching the cat behind the ears. He took his portion with a nod.

Lovino decided to give the cat a few strokes himself so that he'd have an excuse to sit down on the bed. After a while, the animal grew tired of being touched, jumped on the floor and curled up under the desk.

“She doesn't like me,” Lovino remarked.

“I'm not sure cats really like anyone. They like food and attention when they're in the mood, but not people. As long as someone provides them with what they want, they're happy.”

“That's bleak.”

“Life would be so much simpler if people were like that, too.”

Lovino shoved a forkful of pasta into his mouth and considered the words. He guessed it made sense in some way. He'd be happier if he were content with a relationship with just anyone instead of pining for people he couldn't have. But Heracles probably didn't mean it like that.

“I guess,” he said. However, if he applied this logic to his situation, it still didn't look appealing. He didn't want to be with someone just because they fulfilled some basic need he had. Maybe he had felt like that right after the wedding, but not anymore. He didn't need a replacement; he needed someone who could make him happy.

“So, you don't have a TV or anything?” he asked after a moment of silence.

“No, there's never anything worth watching on.”

“That's the point. If people wanted something intelligent, they'd read a book. Don't you ever just want to sit back and enjoy something that's easy and doesn't make you think?”

“That sounds unbelievably boring.”

“So, what do you do for fun? Don't tell me you just read and write all day.”

Heracles was struggling to capture the last pieces of olive with his fork, so Lovino leaned over and helped him.

“They're cold already, but what the hell. You aren't throwing away something I made.”

“I'm not planning to,” Heracles said, setting down the fork and grabbing the remains of the food with his fingers. “And no, I don't just read and write. I go to the movies if there's something interesting and visit places. I told you I like seeing new places.”

“So, you're out of town a lot?”

“You don't have to go far to see something worth your time. I'll take you to this park I know some time.”

Lovino guessed it would be more interesting than being cooped up in a tiny apartment with nothing to do. He didn't mind spending evenings indoors – most of the time, he actually preferred it to going out – but it could get awkward fast. If there was no TV, he couldn't fill the silence by complaining about the crap they were watching. They were done with cooking and eating. What could they do and talk about now?

“I'm going to open that wine,” he decided, feeling stupid. Why should he be nervous about hanging out with Heracles now when he had already got to know him a little?

It turned out that Heracles liked the wine. It was actually one of his favourites, and this somewhat soothed Lovino's uneasiness.

The cat stood up, stretched and then walked to the window. The message was clear. Heracles had no choice but to put his glass aside and go let her out.

“I'll leave the window open. She'll probably want back in soon.”

“Whatever. I wanted some fresh air anyway.”

Lovino got up and joined Heracles by the window. The view wasn't anything spectacular, only a sea of dotted lights in the windows of the surround buildings and the cars that passed by. 

“I wish I had a balcony,” Heracles said. “I could write there at night.”

“Or you could just keep the window open like this. Same thing.”

“No, it's not. It's completely different to be outside. Then you feel far more immersed.”

Lovino snorted in disbelief. “Doubt it.”

“I'll show you.”

With that, Heracles' hands were suddenly on his back and gave him a push that sent his head out the window.

“H-hey!” Lovino protested, trying to grab the window sill for support. “What the hell are you –”

“I'm not going to let you fall. Just take a moment to appreciate how much different it is when you're outside.”

“Bullshit.” But Lovino stopped squirming, partly because he didn't like the risk of slipping and falling to his doom and partly because having Heracles press himself against him and hold him still like that was damn distracting. It made him oblivious to the flow of time, and before he knew it, the other had pulled him back inside the apartment.

“What do you think?” Heracles asked.

“I think that was a shitty thing to do!”

“But didn't it make you feel any different?”

Oh, sure. It had made his mind jump straight to how good Heracles' hands had felt when they had been on something other than his back at that party. The spot he had touched was tingling, and he wanted to reach behind himself to rub it. Or ask Heracles to fix it since it was his fault.

“Yeah, well not really. It's just the city. Nothing special.”

“Do you want to try again?”

“What? No!”

“Then what?”

“You could –” 

Lovino cut himself off before he could finish. He didn't have the guts to just be forward and tell Heracles what the best damn thing he could do right now was. Hell, it was ridiculous. He'd had no problem with jerking him off when they first met, and now he was acting like a teenager with his first crush. This always happened to him, and fuck, did he hate it.

“I'm going to get more wine,” he announced. He was a little disappointed when Heracles didn't try to stop him as he went back to sit on the bed and picked his glass up from the floor.

He had time to lift the bottle and fill up his glass, but he never brought it up to his lips because Heracles grabbed it from his fingers and set it aside. Before Lovino could do more than let out an irritated sound, the other had leaned closer to kiss him.

For a moment, his mind was blank with surprise, and he couldn't bring himself to respond to the kiss. 

Heracles drew back and looked at him with a frown. “Is that not good?”

“It's great,” Lovino managed to croak and pulled him back because he knew that if they stopped now, he'd have to think about the countless ways he could screw this up. Most of his relationships had ended in tears, and there was nothing about this that made it different. He had always been hopeful and happy in the beginning, just like with Heracles. If he enjoyed this too much, it would just hurt even more when it had to end.

But that was the last of his disoriented worries. Heracles' hands and tongue kept his mind otherwise occupied, and he focused on nothing but the body against his and the rising heat that was pooling pleasantly below his waist.

“Get on the bed,” he commanded and gave Heracles a shove, but he was quick to follow in his steps so that they wouldn't have to break apart. They stumbled down and fell on the mattress, knocking over Heracles' glass of wine on their way, but they were both beyond the point of caring. For some time, Lovino was only aware of the roaming hands and the quiet gasps and moans that filled the room.

He ran his fingers down Heracles' chest until he was low enough to rest his hands between his legs. Heracles groaned at the added pressure, and Lovino took it as an invitation to keep going. It didn't take long before he had unzipped Heracles' trousers and pushed his hand inside to fondle him.

Just to let him know he's not the only one who can do this, he thought, and the pleased sounds Heracles was making were more than enough a reason to keep going. Lovino tried to keep it slower than he was used to because he didn't know Heracles' body and wanted to explore a little, to see how he had to use his fingers to make him buck into his hand.

He couldn't help but be satisfied with himself when he tightened his hold on Heracles' already hard length and received a louder moan in response and –

Suddenly, they were interrupted by banging from the other side of the western wall.

“Hey, keep it quiet over there! I don't need to hear you masturbating!”

Heracles rolled over to reach under the bed, pulled out a book and threw it at the wall. “I'm not masturbating!”

“Yeah, like anyone would ever do you, unless he's drunk off his ass!”

With a huff, Heracles turned to face Lovino, the emotions on his face suddenly so intense that he looked like a different person.

“Moan.”

“What?”

“Moan so that he'll know I'm not alone.”

“No! That's... that's totally stupid!”

“I'll make you.”

“Hey, what –” Lovino never had the time to finish because Heracles was suddenly kissing him again, with more force now, and while his mind was blank and his senses tingling, the other swiftly unzipped his trousers, pulled them down to his knees and shoved him on his back on the bed.

Lovino wasn't really even hard yet, and he wasn't prepared for having himself touched like this without a warning, so when Heracles grabbed him firmly, he couldn't help but let out a strangled gasp.

“What the hell? I'm not going to moan for some random bastard I haven't even met,” he whispered in anger and fumbled around for a pillow he could throw at Heracles' face. He found one, but before he could toss it, the other had already taken all of him into his mouth and sucked – and it was too sudden, too intense and too damn _good_. A groan was already out of his mouth before he realised what he was doing, and he buried his face into the pillow to bury the sound. 

But worst of all, Heracles stopped what he was doing as soon as the sound had left him and turned to stare at the wall, obviously waiting for a reply. Lovino didn't know whether he wanted to kick him off the bed or tell him to get back to what he had started or he was leaving.

“...so, you're watching porn. What's your point?” the neighbour said.

Heracles proceeded to argue that he wasn't and that he had a very real man in there with him. Lovino spent a moment listening to the exchange, growing more and more frustrated as the atmosphere in the apartment was becoming intense everywhere except near his dick. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore, turned over to his knees and crawled over to the end of the bed.

“Hey, you!” he snarled and banged his fist on the wall a few times for emphasis. “Shut your mouth over there! You're distracting him from more important things!”

There was a moment of silence before he could hear coarse laughter from the other side.

“Oh, so there is someone over there. Colour me surprised. Sure hope you didn't have to pay him, but it's not like I care. Just keep quiet because you never know when I've got my kid brother staying over.”

“I don't have to plan my sex life around your schedule!”

“Learn to be quiet or I'll tell the landlord about you!”

“There's even more noise when you've got someone in there!”

“Of course! I'm so much better in bed than –”

“You're equally fucking annoying and if you don't shut up right now, I'm castrating you both with the first sharp thing I find in the kitchen!”

Lovino turned to glare at Heracles and motioned for him to get back down on the bed. “If you know what's good for you, you're going to make up for that.” His anger was fading as quickly as it had flared up and was rapidly being replaced by embarrassment. The heat he felt under his skin no longer had anything to do with arousal, only mortification.

“What the hell is even wrong with you?” he asked, attempting to keep his fury going so that the temptation to bury his head under the covers wouldn't win.

“You heard him. It's impossible to live with someone like that next door.”

“You contribute to the problem just as much as he does. Next time we're staying at my place. Even Grandpa can't be that embarrassing.”

“So, you're introducing me to them, then?”

“Uh...” Was he? He hadn't made up his mind about that yet, but it had just slipped out of his mouth, like it was natural. “I... I guess I am.”

Heracles leaned close to brush his hair away from his face and kissed him. “Good. I'd like that.”

The sex they had that night was nothing complicated. Lovino forced Heracles under the covers so that some of the sounds would be muffled, and what they did was mostly blind fumbling of their hands until they managed to stroke each other into a climax. Having to keep quiet brought an unexplored element into it, and Lovino found himself arching against the body by his side and clutching at Heracles' back like letting go would would kill him. He felt a little silly about it afterwards, but the feeling he got when they were lying under the covers afterwards more than made up for it. He didn't know if he'd describe it as happiness, but for once he wasn't angry, jealous or full of contempt for himself.


	9. Chapter 9

Lovino grimaced as he felt himself slowly grow more aware of his surroundings. At first it was nice – warm and cosy and soft – but after a while he realised that he couldn't move much and that he didn't know where he was. When he tried to sit up, he realised that there was an arm thrown over him, pinning him down on the mattress.

Hell, if Feliciano had climbed into his bed again, he would strangle him as soon as he found enough energy to get up.

“Move, idiot,” he grumbled and tried to wriggle free.

“Nggnh.”

Lovino froze at the voice that was lower than his brother's. When he opened his eyes and recognised the room, the identity of the person by his side was suddenly crystal clear. He spent a moment examining his reaction to that. At least he didn't feel like jumping to his feet, gathering his clothes under his arm and running out the door. That had to be a good thing.

In fact, it was pretty comfortable where he was, if only Heracles would move a bit and give him some more space. He was used to claiming the whole bed for himself, sleeping with his limbs pointing in at least three different directions at once. While Heracles' bed was wide enough for two, it was a little inconvenient when they had both tried to claim as much space as possible.

“Get up and bring me coffee,” Lovino said and tried to stir the other with a poke to his side.

“You can make the coffee.”

“Why me?”

“Because you have to get up anyway and go to work. I can stay in bed as long as I want.”

Shit, work! Lovino bolted up, finally managing to slip from under Heracles' arm and fell to the floor, fumbling for his trousers to find his phone. Just what time was it? There was sunlight outside, but that didn't necessarily mean he was late, right?

Except that it did. It was past eight, so Feliciano had already started things and would be opening the shop in about an hour.

“Why the hell didn't I go home last night?” he asked and began to pick up his clothes in a hurry. So much for his plan to avoid questions. Now he would be bombarded with at least a dozen, and that was if he was lucky and Feliciano was alone at the shop. If his grandfather or Giorgio was there as well, he was fucked.

But as much as he liked to grumble, he knew why he had stayed. He had been feeling content for the first time in what seemed like an eternity, and he hadn't wanted it to end yet. It was ridiculous and sappy, and he wouldn't admit it out loud, but there it was.

“I'm raiding your kitchen,” he announced and hopped through the entrance while putting on his socks. Other than a tired sound of acknowledgement from under the covers, there was no reply.

It took him some fifteen minutes to grab something to eat, make a quick cup of coffee and a journey into Heracles' bathroom. He didn't even try to make himself presentable, but he washed away all evidence of the previous night so that nobody could attack him with even more embarrassing questions and because it would be gross to go to work like that.

“There's some coffee left for you, but it'll get cold if you don't drag yourself out of bed soon!” he called out at the door. He waited a while but there was once again no reply, so he had to settle with rolling his eyes as he left.

There was someone checking his mailbox when he arrived downstairs. He was about to hurry past him, but the other man looked up and greeted him by lifting a hand that was holding two letters.

“Hey!”

“What?”

“You were fucking Heracles last night, right?”

Lovino could feel every drop of blood in his body rush up to his face. “What... How... how the hell is that any of your goddamn business?”

He observed the other man with more care now, even as his panicked brain was telling him to run for it and never come back. But he had to come back if he wanted to see Heracles again – which he did – so he had to at least learn to recognise this guy so that he could better avoid him in the future.

There was something irritatingly massive about him. It wasn't his body, even though he was both taller and wider than Lovino. Rather, the air of masculinity and self-confidence around him was so thick that Lovino found himself a little repulsed, even if the other didn't actually look all that bad with his tanned skin and stubble that gave him a look that was just on the right side of ragged.

“Aww, you look totally mortified. I get you. I bet it wasn't a nice surprise to wake up this morning and take a look at the asshole you fucked last night, huh? Poor kid.” The man shook his head and turned over the letters in his hand to take a look at the return address. “You know, if I were into guys, I'd invite you over to show you how a real man fucks, but at least I can give you some advice. Dump the loser and find someone better.”

“Go to hell,” Lovino growled, now regretting that he had stopped Heracles from giving this asshole a further verbal beating the previous night. He had been right. His neighbour was insufferable, and Lovino found himself desperate for some stupid plan that would force him to move out so that he wouldn't have to see him again when he next came to see Heracles.

“Hey now, don't blow a fuse. I'm just trying to be nice.”

“I didn't ask for your advice! Piss off!”

“I live here, unlike you, so I think it's you who should get out if you don't like my face.”

“Goddamn, I'll –” But before Lovino could finish, his phone started ringing. “Yeah, yeah, I'm on my way!” he shouted into it, not caring about Feliciano's surprised yelp from the other end.

“Oh, Lovino, I'm so glad you picked up! We were all so worried about you when you didn't come home and then I called Antonio, and he didn't know where you were either, so then Grandpa –”

Irritated, Lovino hung up and shoved the phone back into his pocket.

“Listen,” he said, turning back to Heracles' neighbour. “If I didn't have to hurry to work, I'd totally kick your ass right now.”

“You're welcome to try next time if you're planning to stick around. My name's Sadik, by the way,” the man said, waving him goodbye even as Lovino flipped him the finger before stepping outside.

Riding his Vespa to the gelateria cleared his thoughts a little, and by the time he finally arrived, he was no longer ready to murder someone. His mood was further improved when he noticed that Feliciano was alone at the shop, which meant that he would have to deal with only one embarrassing case of over-reaction instead of two or even three.

“Lovino! You're okay!” Feliciano called out when he entered.

“Of course I am. What the hell did you think?”

“I was sure you had been in an accident and were dead or lying injured somewhere because you didn't come home last night and you didn't pick up my calls. Grandpa thought you had been kidnapped.”

“For fuck's sake. I was gone for one night. I'm not a kid anymore. I don't have to tell you where I go all the time.”

“But you don't usually go anywhere, so we were all worried. So, where were you? Did you meet that person you told me about?”

“I never told you about anyone. You forced the information out of me. But yeah, whatever. I was with him.”

Customers stepped in, so Lovino used the chance to disappear into the backroom so that Feliciano wouldn't have the opportunity to attack him with questions just yet. He changed his clothes and made sure everything was in working order and that Veneziano hadn't messed up any of their flavours. But everything seemed fine, and the chocolate even tasted better than usual.

“Figures,” Lovino muttered. He sat down on the freezer and waited. He was sure Feliciano would rush inside the moment there was nobody to serve in the shop. They would be talking about his night one way or another, and Lovino would rather do it here where every random passer-by couldn't hear. He just hoped Feliciano would have the sense to put up a sign that someone would be back soon in case any customers arrived.

“Okay!” Feliciano slammed the door open and stepped inside. He came to sit by Lovino's side and nudged him with his butt until he moved to give him enough space. “Now you can tell me all about the guy you met!” 

“Why should I?” Lovino asked, struggling even though he knew how futile it was. He would have to tell everyone at some point. Hell, he _wanted_ to tell them because this was no longer some pathetic secret or a doomed fling. This could work. It didn't just have the chance of making him happy – he was _already_ happy. Telling the others and showing how wonderful this was was what any normal person would do, and he wished it would have been that easy for him to show how much this mattered to him.

Feliciano frowned in worry. “Why not? Did it go badly?”

“No. It was... It was fine.”

“Then you can tell me! At least tell me his name.”

“Heracles.”

“That's a weird name. But yours is, too, so I guess you're a good match.”

“Like yours is any better!”

“And what is he like?”

“He's a writer,” Lovino said and tried to decide how to describe Heracles in a way that would do him justice, but everything that came to his mind was something he didn't want to tell Feliciano. Unlike everyone else in his family, he wasn't the type of guy who wanted to go through every detail of his dates and repeat every word that had been said. “He's... nice.”

Feliciano was nodding enthusiastically. “Uhhuh, I'm sure. But what kind of music does he like? What does he drink? What's his favourite football team? Does he like swimming?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“We could invite him to the beach. Michela wants all of us to go there, remember?”

Try as he might, Lovino couldn't imagine Heracles was a beach person. Maybe he'd enjoy lying in the sand and reading a book or sleeping, but as far as Lovino was concerned, those were a waste of time. You could do that at home.

“I don't know if he'd like that.”

“Then at least invite him for dinner! I want to know what he's like, and you kind of suck at describing him.”

“Well, you're asking stupid questions!” 

Lovino jumped off the freezer with a huff and marched through the room to the door. 

“Hey, were are you going?”

“We can't just leave the shop unattended like this.”

“But I wanted to know more about Heracles! You didn't tell me anything!”

Feliciano followed him into the shop, and for the next half an hour, he kept asking more questions and making up his own answers when Lovino didn't reply fast enough or at all. Lovino tried his best to be honest, but so many of his brother's questions were just too weird, and he didn't know what to say. But he didn't want to admit that because saying he didn't yet know if Heracles had a lucky number made him feel like he was a failure, somehow.

“Michela's is four,” Feliciano said. 

“Nice. But we don't have the kind of relationship where we play stupid trivia games with each other. And we don't want anything like that,” Lovino grumbled. He didn't need to know what Heracles' lucky number was, goddammit. His relationship with him was just as good as Feliciano's with Michela even without that.

Feliciano pursed his lips and didn't say anything. He was quiet for a long time, which was unusual for him, but Lovino thought nothing of it and enjoyed the peace. After a while, he was already feeling better, partly due to the pair of pretty Swedish tourists who came to buy gelato and stayed to chat.

“But does he make you happy?” Feliciano whispered all of a sudden, but as usual, what he considered a whisper was loud enough for everyone to hear.

“What?”

Lovino had been in the middle of asking the blonde one where in Sweden she lived, so his mind was too off-track for a question like that.

“Heracles!”

“Why are you asking now?” Lovino's definition of a whisper wasn't all that different from his brother's.

“Because it's such an important question.”

“Then you should have asked it earlier and not here where everyone can hear!”

“Why? Aren't you happy?”

“Of course I'm happy!”

“Then why shouldn't everyone get to hear it?”

“Because... Because it's my business whom I choose to tell! Not yours! And isn't it obvious that I'm happy?”

Feliciano shrugged. “Not really. When people are happy, they smile and laugh. You've just been yelling at me like usual, so I wasn't sure if anything had changed.”

Lovino opened his mouth to reply but closed it again when he realised that he didn't know what to say. Feliciano was right. People who got into a new relationship were supposed to be bubbly and enthusiastic and open to the point that everyone around them got tired of hearing them talk about it. That was what normal people did. Feliciano was like that. Antonio and Belle had been like that.

The tourists used the silence as their cue to leave and hurried out the door without getting their change. Lovino slammed the coins on the counter and turned to glare at his brother.

“I'm happy. Why would I be with him if I wasn't?”

“Well,” Feliciano said, fidgeting with his fingers nervously, “I just thought you might have settled for someone. Like how I'm okay eating pasta without cheese if there isn't any, but it would be better if I could have some.”

“What the hell? Why do you think I'd do that?” But Lovino knew Feliciano had a point. Hell, he was almost right. In the beginning, that had been exactly what he had thought. All he had wanted out of Heracles was a distraction, something to numb his heart for a while. But that had changed. It still hurt when something reminded him of Antonio and Belle out of nowhere, but the constant ache and frustration were fading. He was sure he could get over this, and he was sure he would want Heracles even when he was fine again.

“I'm sorry! You've just been so on the edge lately that I thought maybe you – Oh, but it doesn't matter! But please invite him to dinner soon so that we don't have to keep guessing.”

“Yeah, yeah, already did. We just have to agree on when.”

“What about Thursday? Michela is coming, so we could introduce him to her, too!”

“Sure.” Having Michela there would make everything easier. Everyone wouldn't fuss over him and Heracles all evening and embarrass him. They'd have some room to breathe, and maybe his family wouldn't manage to scare Heracles off.

“And you have to invite him to the beach, too! We were thinking we'd go in August. I know it's over a month, but Michela has to work almost every Saturday, and I was talking to Antonio, and his new boss is making him do double shifts on weekends. So we can't all go until August at earliest.”

“Doesn't matter. August is fine.”

It wasn't a particularly busy day for them, so Lovino told his brother that he would take a longer lunch break and buy some groceries for home. He went to eat at a small restaurant he liked and lingered in the city until he had aired out his head enough to no longer feel irritated by anything. He decided he'd cook Feliciano's favourite pasta for dinner as an apology for snapping at him.

When he returned to the shop with an armful of groceries, he saw that they had company. Antonio was sitting at the counter, leaning his head on his knuckles as he chatted with Feliciano and watched him serve customers.

“Shouldn't you be at work?” Lovino asked.

“I've got night shift. I quit at the garden, remember? Now I'm a guard at this warehouse.”

“Don't you need some kind of training for that?”

“It's okay. My dad is friends with the boss' brother, and they needed someone who can work crazy hours. And there's nothing but furniture there anyway, so it's not difficult.”

Lovino grunted in response. He would have liked to argue that Antonio had been better off at the garden, even if the pay had been worse. And he knew that Antonio had loved that work. Whenever they spent an evening drinking wine on his balcony, they would eventually end up talking about what they would grow if they had a big garden and all the time in the world. It was their shared dream, and when he had been younger, Lovino had liked to think it'd be their shared future as well.

But dreams didn't keep anyone warm and fed. Now that he was married, Antonio had new responsibilities and needed every cent he could get his hands on, especially since Belle wasn't yet done with her studies and couldn't contribute much. They needed a more stable life than what they had now if they wanted to start a family.

“Well, it's your life you're ruining. Do you think Belle is going to love you anymore if you stop being out in the sun and lose that tan?” he asked and decided to start paying more attention to the papers in case there was a better job for Antonio.

“I'm pretty sure it's natural,” Antonio said, examining the skin on his arms.

“Anyway, how is Belle?” Feliciano asked.

“I guess she's fine. I had to work late last night, so she had already left for class when I woke up today. I probably won't get to see her before I have to be back at work, but I'll try to catch her tomorrow.”

Lovino huffed and poked him on the shoulder. “You had better. That's not how you treat your wife. Make her breakfast tomorrow.”

“I'll try,” Antonio said with a laugh.

“Don't be so mean to him, Lovino. He's working so hard,” Feliciano said. Lovino couldn't argue with that. Even though he was always up for complaining about how much his life sucked because he had to work six days a week and still couldn't afford the designer clothes he wanted to buy, he knew that he was the most well-off among his friends. His family owned a house and didn't have to pay rent, and they had their own business. It was a dream come true for so many people.

“At least make sure the bastard doesn't forget to give you a weekend off in August. Because you're coming to the beach with us.”

“Sure.” Antonio's eyes lit up suddenly. “Oh! Feli just told me that you've got a new boyfriend! He's coming too, right?”

“What? Who the hell said you have the right to tell him that?”

“Don't get angry! It just slipped, and it's something nice, so I thought it wouldn't be a problem if I told him.”

“Yeah, and I wish someone had let me know sooner. Why didn't you tell me? I would have liked to check him out before you get serious.”

Lovino snorted. “I don't need your approval.”

“No, but he needs to know that your unofficial big brother Antonio will get mad if he doesn't treat you right. So don't wait until the beach trip to introduce us.”

Lovino busied himself with unpacking the groceries even though it was stupid because he was supposed to take them home later. But he wanted an excuse to do something with his hands and to avoid looking at the others.

“And you wonder why I haven't told you before,” he muttered, hoping that his face wasn't as red as it felt. “You're goddamn embarrassing, all of you.”

Antonio reached over to ruffle his hair, an act that Lovino had always hated because it made him feel like a baby, and loved because there had been a time in his life when attention from Antonio had been all he wanted.

“We just want the best for you,” Antonio said.

“Tch. You should spend more time wanting the best for yourself,” Lovino replied, but his usual ire was lacking. He couldn't be angry when everything in his life was going well for once.

“So, if Heracles is coming, how many are we going to be? I'll be there, then Michela, you, Heracles, Antonio, Belle, Gilbert –”

“Who the hell invited him?”

Antonio raised his hand. “I did. I thought he deserves a break, too.”

“And I said it's okay! The whole trip was Michela's idea, so I think it's just fair if she and I decide who can come and who not. And we think everyone is welcome!” Feliciano kept blabbering even as he was scooping a cone for the man who had stepped inside. When he smiled, he could make the customers think that all of his attention was on serving them even if he was talking to someone else at the same time.

“But he's not even your friend, or mine! He's Antonio's friend! And he's going to be the only one without a date, so he'd probably have a miserable time anyway.”

“We could always invite Francis to keep him company,” Antonio pointed out.

“You do that and I'm not coming. One idiot is bad enough. Your taste in friends is the worst.”

“They aren't so bad. And if you knew how hard Gilbert works, you'd want to invite him, too.”

Lovino wasn't impressed. “He's a driver, right? So he gets to sit on his ass all day long. That's not hard.”

“It could give him back problems later,” Feliciano said. “So, he should come to the beach with us and play volleyball and swim to get some exercise!”

“And he's putting so much effort into saving money that he deserves something nice every now and then,” Antonio added.

“What's he saving money for?” Feliciano asked.

“I don't know. He's not telling. But it must be something big because he hasn't gone back home even once during the time I've known him, not even for Christmas. I don't think he'd do that unless it was important.”

Lovino started putting the groceries back into his paper bag. “Who the hell would like to go back to Germany once you've been to Italy? It's a much better arrangement if his family and friends visit him here.”

“You know, that's funny,” Antonio said, pursing his lips in thought. “He's always going on about his brother, so I think he would have introduced us if he had ever been here. Gilbert likes to brag sometimes.”

Sometimes was an understatement. Lovino was sure nothing but shameless praise for himself ever made it through Gilbert's lips. But Antonio had a point. It was odd that he would keep quiet about his family if he ever had the chance to shove them into his friends' lives.

“Maybe they're even uglier than him, and he's embarrassed,” he suggested. Or maybe Gilbert was the biggest piece of shit in his family. Maybe the others didn't want to have anything to do with him. 

“Or they're just all really busy. Those poor Germans are so efficient that they don't know how to enjoy life,” Feliciano said.

Lovino rolled his eyes. “I don't care. It's bad enough that one of them keeps butting into my life, so as far as I'm concerned, it can only be a good thing that there aren't more of his stupid family running around here. And I sure hope it stays that way.”


	10. Chapter 10

Lovino kept glancing at the clock on the wall. Each time left him horrified with the knowledge that time was ticking away and that it was only some two hours before Heracles would come to have dinner with his family. Simultaneously, he was hoping to get it over soon so that things could get normal. Once the introductions were over and everyone was done gushing, maybe they would treat Heracles like any other person and not embarrass them both.

But even beneath that there was a part of him that was looking forward to the evening. It wasn't often that he got to be the centre of the attention, partly because there was nothing remarkable about him – unlike Feliciano who was a prodigy and would go to art school next year or the year after that – and partly because he avoided the spotlight as much as he could, all the while hoping that someone would notice him anyway. However, tonight would be different.

“You just gave that guy two scoops even though he only paid for one,” Giorgio pointed out.

“I didn't!”

“Yeah, you did. Are you that nervous about tonight?”

“I'm nervous about the food because I'm not cooking.”

“Romulus can cook okay.”

“When he puts his mind to it. He's been acting like an idiot ever since I told him Heracles was coming over. I wouldn't be surprised if he blew up the house.”

“Feliciano is there to help him.”

“And that's supposed to be a good thing? You've been living with us for months and you still haven't figured out that those two are a disaster when left on their own?”

Giorgio shrugged and went back to redecorating the gelato so that it would look appealing and nice even though it had been on display for hours and there was only a little left. They would be closing the shop a little early – Lovino's excuse was that he wanted to be at home to supervise the last stages of making dinner, but in reality he needed enough time in the bathroom to make himself presentable.

His grandfather had been fussing over him for days now, unable to stop babbling about how happy he was that he had finally found someone. He had wanted to take a framed picture of Lovino's grandmother from his room and bring it to the kitchen so that she wouldn't miss anything. It had taken all of Lovino's willpower not to yell when he had told him to take it back. It was stupid to talk to the dead, and he didn't want Heracles to think his whole family consisted of idiots. That truth didn't need to come out until much later when they had been together for longer.

The butterflies in his stomach aside, there was only one thing about the dinner that was truly frightening to him. Heracles would no doubt wonder where his parents were. He'd probably have enough tact not to ask in front of everybody, but Lovino knew he would have to tell him sooner or later. He'd much rather not as he couldn't even think about them without feeling sick. Talking about them never failed to bring out the worst in him and make him say horrible things to everyone who was near him.

He was so busy with his thoughts that he didn't notice someone had stepped into the shop until he heard Giorgio greet them and ask what they would like to have. He didn't plan to do more than glance at the customer, but when he turned to look, he couldn't help but stare. 

“I was wondering if I could talk to Lovino,” Heracles said.

“What are you doing here so early?” Lovino asked. They had agreed that Heracles would show up at his house. Why had he come here? Was he having second thoughts, or had something come up?

Heracles shrugged. “I thought I'd come to see the place where you work. Is that okay?”

“Sure, but... You could have called first!” Romano didn't actually have anything against Heracles showing up, but he hadn't been at all prepared for it. He had directed all of his energy at thinking and worrying about the evening, so now he couldn't decide whether everything would turn into chaos since things was no longer proceeding according to plan, or whether this was a good thing since Heracles' presence might help him relax.

“I didn't think it would be necessary. But I can leave if you want to. Am I allowed to talk to you if I haven't bought anything?”

“Like you're paying for your first gelato here,” Lovino grumbled. “What are you having?”

“Vanilla is good.”

“Oh, I get it!” Giorgio blurted out all of a sudden. “You're Heracles, right? Lovino's new boyfriend?”

Lovino released an impatient sound from the back of his throat. “Don't say it like I have a different guy attached to my hip every week.”

“That's not what I meant. You've had girlfriends, too.”

“And you're starting to piss me off more than Grandpa and Feliciano!”

Heracles nodded at Giorgio. “So, if you aren't his brother, you're his cousin?”

“Yeah! So, Lovino has told you about me?”

Lovino snorted as he began to scoop gelato for Heracles. “Only to warn him that my family is crazy.”

“I don't mind that you've had several partners before. I've probably had many more,” Heracles said.

Lovino didn't react to the comment. He finished making a cone for Heracles and shoved it into his hand over the counter. There was no point to make a show about it, he tried to reason. If Heracles hadn't been with anyone before him, that would have meant there was something wrong or repulsive about him. The only thing that mattered now was that they were together, so nobody else had better stick his or her nose into their business.

“I hope you learned something from them,” he remarked.

“Wasn't last time good enough?”

“You – I didn't mean that! God, my cousin is right here!”

Heracles tried out his gelato, showing no signs that Lovino's outburst was bothering him. “I think he must have guessed what we do by now, unless it's common in your family to practice celibacy.”

“We're very religious and conservative, so don't talk about sex at dinner,” Lovino said at once. The last thing he needed was watching his grandfather and Heracles try to out-do each other at embarrassing him, particularly since neither of them ever seemed to realise how uncomfortable they made him.

“Look, now he's the one who forgot that I'm still here,” Giorgio said to Heracles. “Don't listen to anything he says. He just gets easily embarrassed.”

“For a reason! I don't know how the rest of you can be so hopeless when it comes to understanding what you can do and say and what you can't.”

“If you thought a little more like us, you'd never have to worry about these things.”

Even though Giorgio was smiling when he said that and even though Lovino _knew_ he didn't mean anything by it, he couldn't help but scowl at the words. That was how he sometimes felt, that he was an outsider in his own family because he was so different. It was his worst fear that one day they might grow tired of him and reject him.

“You should tell me more often if I'm embarrassing. Some things are so obvious to me that I don't think about them from anyone else's perspective,” Heracles said.

“You aren't embarrassing,” Lovino muttered. Heracles had a habit of blurting out the truth without beautifying it, but he didn't go out of his way to act stupid or make him uncomfortable. And he _listened_ when Lovino asked him not to do something, which was so amazing that at first he hadn't know how to react to it.

Heracles let out a sound of acknowledgement. “Your gelato is good.”

“Yeah, anyway... It's still almost two hours before we can close the shop. Are you going to wait here?”

“If it's no problem. I brought my laptop, so I can write.”

Lovino gestured at one of the corner tables. “Be my guest. It's a free country.”

He kept watching both Heracles and Giorgio for most of the following hour. He hadn't seen Heracles write before, so it was fascinating to see him concentrate on something with such dedication. Somehow, he had thought Heracles couldn't really do it because he spent so much time in his thoughts or musing out loud.

The reason he was watching Giorgio was that he was trying to read his first impressions on his face. Did he like Heracles? Did he think he was weird? It shouldn't matter what his cousin thought, but Lovino hoped beyond everything that everyone in his family would welcome him.

So far, Giorgio was showing positive signs. He had a little more tact than Feliciano, and he wasn't blabbering his opinion out loud. In fact, he was acting perfectly normal, and Lovino decided it meant he wasn't at least bothered by Heracles. That was fine. As long as they didn't hate him and tell him to choose between him and them, it was a victory.

“Hey there! It's been a while! Missed me?”

Lovino turned to the door and, much to his irritation, saw Gilbert standing there, hands on his hips like he was expecting everyone to drop what they were doing and start paying attention to him just because he had arrived. Great. He had been enjoying his life without Gilbert, and it was just his luck that it would come to an end on this particular day.

“New store policy. We don't serve bastards,” he said.

“Then I'll just hang out here a bit.”

Gilbert marched to the counter and leaned on it. Lovino did his best to ignore him, turned his back on him and pretended to be busy with the utensils they kept in a small cupboard near the door to the back. Any normal person would just leave at such an obvious sign that their company wasn't wanted, but Gilbert stuck there like a burnt spot on a pan. But what else could he expect from someone whose background gave him such an emotional disadvantage?

“Why are you here?” he finally asked when he couldn't take it anymore.

“I just came to say hi. We haven't seen each other since that dinner.”

“So? Why should we see each other at all?”

“Hey, you can't continue being that prickly to me after I've had dinner at your house!”

“I'm not the one who invited you!”

“I thought we had a pretty great time.” Gilbert was now pouting, like he was offended that Lovino didn't think the evening had been the highlight of his life.

Sure, it hadn't been _bad._ For a while there he had enjoyed having Gilbert around, but most of the time he was so insufferable that Lovino saw no reason to endure him for the sake of those few good moments. The friends and family he had now were enough for him. Why couldn't Gilbert just get the hint?

Then again, maybe he should try to endure him. He was friends with Antonio, so they would keep running into each other whether Lovino liked it or not. It would be easier if he could hold a casual conversation with him. He should do that for Antonio's sake and not ruin every situation in which they had to meet.

“Okay, tell you what. I'll do my best to deal with your ugly face if you finally tell me how you got that house for Antonio and Belle's honeymoon.”

A grin nearly split Gilbert's face into two. “Oh, that was really easy. My boss owns the house. She owed me a favour, so I asked if my friends could go there for a few days, and she said sure because she's almost as awesome as me.”

“Your boss, as in the owner of some taxi company?”

“I don't drive a taxi! I work at this fancy hotel and drive the rich customers around when they need something.”

“That's the same thing.”

“It's totally different! And my boss doesn't own just this hotel. She's got plenty of them all over the world, and also a casino or two.”

“Sounds like you could have asked for almost anything in the world in return for that favour. Why did you spend your once in a lifetime chance on Antonio and Belle?”

“Why not?” Gilbert gave him a confused look.

“You could have asked for something for yourself, dumbass!” Like a fat check if Antonio was right about him saving money. Or a raise or a promotion or a better car or whatever it was that made people like Gilbert cream their pants.

Gilbert shrugged. “I didn't need anything, and I figured I should ask for something while she was still feeling grateful. If I waited too long, she might change her mind. And you know, Antonio let me sleep on his couch for three weeks when I didn't have my own place, and that was after he had known me for just two hours.”

“That's because he's an idiot who'll trust anyone.”

“But it landed him the best honeymoon ever!”

Lovino didn't want to argue the fact. It was true that Antonio had plenty of friends who'd do anything to help him, and it was entirely because he was so accepting and nice. He sometimes worried that Antonio was _too_ nice, but unlike Feliciano, he was capable of taking care of himself. There had been a few times when Antonio had got upset – not because of anything done to him, but to his friends – and Lovino barely recognised him when he was that angry.

“By the way,” Gilbert said, nodding towards the corner where Heracles was sitting. “That guy has been looking at us for a while. What's up with him?”

Lovino realised he had momentarily forgotten that Heracles was even there. Damn, why was it that Gilbert got to meet him before his brother or friends? He wasn't even sure he wanted to introduce Heracles to Gilbert if he didn't absolutely have to.

“He's my boyfriend,” he said, loud enough for Heracles to hear.

“What?” Gilbert turned around, gave Heracles a surprised look and then turned back just when the other gave him a lazy wave as a greeting. “You've got a boyfriend?”

“Yeah.” Saying that felt good, like he had accomplished something, like his life was more valid than Gilbert's. Being in a relationship was the sign of a responsible and capable adult, right? So, he was better than this loser.

“Since when? You never said anything!” Gilbert's eyes were wide as he leaned on the counter and made vague gestures with his hands. “I mean, at the wedding, you –”

“Not then! I met him later! And stop talking like he's not here.”

“Okay, okay, that's good. But hey, you could have told me that you've got a boyfriend!”

“Why?”

“I thought we were at least pals by now! I'd tell you if I got a girlfriend. Which is only a matter of time, by the way.”

“Bullshit. Like any girl could stand to look at your face and listen to your voice.”

Suddenly, he heard the sound of someone clearing his throat and realised that Heracles had joined them by the counter. Gilbert immediately flashed a smile, but Lovino didn't miss how he instinctively shifted a little away from him.

“Are you going to introduce me to your friend, or do you want to finish your fight first?” Heracles asked.

“We aren't exactly friends. Can't you tell?” Lovino grumbled.

“No. I thought it was normal for you to be a little moody with the people you like. I'm sorry.”

“Hi, I'm Gilbert!” Gilbert interrupted loudly. “Man, awesome that you're together! I mean... Lovino, he, uh...”

Lovino wished there was no counter between them so that he could kick Gilbert in the knee. He probably couldn't have sounded more uncomfortable even if he had tried. Part of him knew he should be happy – maybe Gilbert would leave him alone now that there would be a constant reminder that Lovino liked guys – but at the same time he was nearly on the verge of panic. It didn't matter if it was just Gilbert; the idea that anyone would abandon him because of this was nauseating. 

Heracles offered Gilbert his hand, and the other shook it with only the slightest hesitation.

“My name is Heracles.” Lovino couldn't be sure, but he felt that his tone was a little reserved. No wonder. Gilbert hadn't given a very positive first impression, and knowing him, the chances of him fixing that were close to zero.

“Cool name! So, how did you two meet?”

“At a party,” Heracles replied.

“Wow, sounds great.”

Gilbert's smile was so fake that it had to be painful to keep it on his face. Lovino kept waiting for him to make up an excuse so that he could leave since he clearly didn't know how to act around them, but it never happened. He stuck around, kept making awkward conversation and asked Heracles what he did and what he liked. Lovino wasn't sure how to feel about it. He loathed to think that something about him was making someone act so out of character, like there was something wrong simply with the way he was. But Gilbert was putting in an effort, so at the very least he had to acknowledge that he wasn't reacting right to this and was trying to fix it. Lovino just didn't know if that was enough to get any points from him.

“Don't you have any work to do? Go drive in a circle and show Rome to someone.”

“I did my shift in the morning. I've got all evening off.”

“Okay, but you aren't spending it with us. We're closing soon anyway, and then we've got stuff to do.”

Gilbert didn't put up a fight. He blabbered something about how he had important stuff to take care off as well and hurried out, but not before stopping at the door to wave them goodbye.

“God, he's irritating,” Lovino said as soon as he was gone and began to wipe the counter where Gilbert had touched it.

“You have strange friends.”

“I told you he's not my friend. He's a friend of my best friend who has shitty taste. And for some reason he keeps bugging me. I don't even know why. You saw what he's like. He's got problems.”

Heracles made a sound of agreement. “Does it bother you that he keeps showing up?”

Lovino wanted to snap that of course it did, but he gritted his teeth together and focused his anger on the non-existent spot on the counter. None of this was Heracles' fault, so he shouldn't take his frustration out on him, no matter how much he wanted to yell at someone.

“He's okay. Most of the time,” he found himself saying. “It's just that when he's not okay, he's totally insufferable.”

“Maybe he doesn't realise that when you say you don't want him here, you're being serious.”

“So, now it's my fault?”

Lovino wished Heracles would get at least a little bit angry so that he wouldn't feel like he was the only one making a scene. He hated the sharp edge of his own voice and how difficult it was to choose his words when he was upset but had no way to let out steam without hurting the other.

“No. I just think you might have to take a different approach with someone like him. I watched you. Your conversation with him was probably just rough, friendly banter to him.”

“Maybe,” Lovino admitted with a huff. The only good thing about Gilbert was that he could talk to him any way he wanted. It was pretty cathartic. “But enough about him. I'm not going to let him ruin this evening any further.”

Giorgio agreed to close the shop alone and let the two of them go ahead. Riding his Vespa with Heracles holding onto him cleared Lovino's head a little, and he even felt a little silly for his earlier anger by the time they arrived at his home. His life was better than it had been in a long time. He was happy. Why should he let one idiot get under his skin and ruin it?

“We're here. Grandpa is probably going to make a damn fool of himself, so don't –” he said before reaching for the door handle. However, before he had the time to touch the door, it was pulled open to reveal his grandfather standing there with an eager grin on his face.

“Lovino! And you must be Heracles! Come here!” He opened his arms wide and gestured for Heracles to step forward into his embrace.

Instead, it was Lovino who moved first. “Stop that,” he growled and gave Romulus a shove away from the door. “You're making him want to leave before he has even come inside!”

“And he's not coming inside before he's given me a hug because I'm his grandpa now, too!”

“You promised you'd behave!”

“I don't mind, really. I've done stranger things when getting to know people,” Heracles cut in and pushed his way past Lovino. He stepped into Romulus' arms and didn't complain when he wrapped them around him. He even returned the gesture like this wasn't the most embarrassing thing in the world, and Lovino couldn't understand how he managed. He didn't know whether he wanted to run away into the kitchen or stay and make sure nothing worse happened.

Romulus laughed and patted Heracles on the back. “I can already tell you're a better catch than the previous one. But keep in mind that just because I'm your new grandpa it doesn't mean that you won't be in very serious trouble if you do anything to hurt my boy.”

“I'm not planning on that.”

“Good! Then we'll get along perfectly!”

Romulus released Heracles and started pushing him towards the kitchen. “Come and see what Feliciano and Michela have cooked!”

Lovino followed them, tempted to remind his grandfather that Heracles was _his_ boyfriend. His stomach felt like thousands of caterpillars were wriggling to get out of their eggs. It was a relief to know that his grandfather had accepted Heracles right away, and he knew Feliciano would do the same, but there was still that ugly, lingering fear that something bad would happen.

The happy greetings they received once again proved him that he was wrong. Feliciano rushed to Heracles the moment they stepped inside, and it was only thanks to Michela grabbing the steaming pot from his hands that they weren't all covered in boiling water.

“Hello! I'm Feliciano! Finally I get to meet you! Lovino hasn't told me anything about you.”

“That's not true!” God, did everyone have to make such a show out of this? He was just introducing his boyfriend to them, and they were acting like a miracle was occurring before their very eyes. It was as if they thought he was so flawed that it was the event of the century that someone wanted him.

“I sure hope you didn't ruin the sauce again,” he grumbled and shoved his brother aside to make it to the stove.

“It's my fault if it's bad. I think I put too much rosemary into it,” Michela said with a sheepish smile. She was wearing an apron that was identical to Feliciano's and had collected her long, dark hair on top of her head to keep it from getting into the food.

Lovino dipped a spoon into the sauce and tasted it. Yeah, the spices didn't really complement each other, but it could have been worse. “No, it's perfect.”

The introductions were over swiftly, and despite Lovino's fears, the world didn't end. His brother seemed to like Heracles just as much as his grandfather did, Michela was beaming when she introduced herself, and Heracles was still in the kitchen instead of running for his life. Maybe everything would be fine after all.

Feliciano and Michela promised they'd look after the kitchen until it was time to eat. Romulus began shoving Heracles towards the living room and sat him down, all the while talking about the house and how it had been in his wife's family for generations.

“I guess we should have repaired a few things ten years ago already, but I always said that the next generation can do it. There's no point in fixing something up just to have Feliciano and Michela decide that they'd rather have the kids' room painted yellow after all, right?”

Lovino didn't usually like to listen when his grandfather talked about the house. He had got it into his head that both he and Feliciano would live there forever and bring their partners with them, ready to raise a new generation of Vargases. The fact that this might be only Feliciano's responsibility always made Lovino feel a little self-conscious and like he didn't quite fit into the picture.

But it was different this time. Maybe it was because Heracles didn't seem bothered by his grandfather's babbling and kept nodding and asking questions. Or maybe it was that the idea of probably not having children of his own didn't seem so sad right now when he was with him.

“He's not interested in the house, Grandpa,” he grumbled anyway.

His grandfather laughed. “Maybe, but I love talking about it. But I guess you've indulged me for the time being. I should go and see what's taking so long in the kitchen.”

“I don't mind,” Heracles cut in. “I always like to hear people tell personal stories.”

“Oh, that's because you're a writer, right? Lovino told me about that, but he didn't say what you write.”

“I believe that would only bore you,” Heracles said after a brief pause. Lovino had instructed him never to mention the topic of his books in his grandfather's presence. Knowing him, he would insist on reading them, would like them and then quote the juiciest bits to him. He was embarrassing enough already, so Lovino didn't need that in his life.

“That's a fair trade after I told you all that about Lavinia.”

“If he doesn't want to tell you, don't push him!”

Thankfully, they were saved when Michela came to announce that everything was ready and they should take seats at the table. They were having simple pasta, followed by _caprese._ Lovino wasn't usually a fan of salads as anything but snacks between meals, but Heracles liked them, so he had decided that they'd serve something different.

“How long have you been living in Rome? Lovino said you're from the countryside,” Giorgio asked, having arrived just as the others were settling down.

“A few years.”

“And how is it? Do you like it better here or at home?”

“I can write better in the city, but it doesn't really matter in the long run. I've spent some time in so many places all over the world that I've realised that every place is the best in some way.”

“I could never live anywhere but here,” Feliciano said, twirling his fork in the air as he spoke. “I guess it would be nice to visit some other places, but I need art galleries and museums and churches and shops and pretty buildings, and Rome has all the best.”

“That's because you've never been anywhere else,” Lovino remarked.

“Well, neither have you, and yet you still want a house in the countryside and a garden!”

“He gets that from me!” his grandfather exclaimed. “My family didn't move here until I was fifteen, so I've always had a soft spot for the country life. It would be an idyllic way to spend the rest of your days living in a small cottage. Every evening I'd watch the sunset and feel the work of the day in my muscles, and I'd be accompanied by my lovely wife, and also a couple of women from the village.”

“Grandpa, shut up,” Lovino growled.

“You have your countryside fantasy, and I have mine.”

“Mine is nothing like that!”

“Anyway, so you've been travelling. Name one place that you really liked,” Michela suggested.

Heracles spent a moment examining the food on his plate. “Tokyo was nice,” he said.

“You should come to Anse Boileau some time. I could show you around. It's not a big place, but it's really pretty.”

For a while, they discussed Michela's family and how she had come to Italy to live with her mother's relatives for a while because she wanted to know her side of the family. Her eyes shone when she spoke of her home, the beautiful landscapes and going fishing with her father. Lovino couldn't help but wonder what would happen when it was time for her to go back and how Feliciano would take it.

Her words also reminded him of the burden of having to tell Heracles about his parents. The sooner the better, he supposed, just to get it over with and to make sure he wouldn't ask when there were others present. He didn't know if Feliciano had said anything about them to Michela, nor did he really care. The whole thing had never been his issue the way it was Lovino's.

His previous boyfriend had been an idiot who had blurted out a question about their whereabouts at a party where half the people were strangers. Lovino had run away to the toilet and spent the rest of the evening hiding and pretending that he had a headache. This time he wanted to have control over when and how he told anyone about that part of his life.

Giorgio left after dinner, saying that he was meeting a few friends and that it had been great to meet Heracles. After a while, Feliciano and Michela announced they'd be going as well because there was a movie they both wanted to see. They invited Lovino and Heracles, but when it turned out that the film was a mindless American romantic comedy, Lovino decided to spare Heracles the pain and said they'd stay home.

“You should show him your room!” his grandfather suggested once the others had left.

“Why? There's nothing there,” Lovino said, torn between wanting to get a moment of privacy from his prying grandfather whose entire attention could now be directed only at them, and feeling embarrassed because it was a given what Romulus thought they'd be doing there.

“But you spent such a long time cleaning it. You should at least show it to him and not let that effort go to waste!”

Lovino grumbled, but he decided that it was preferable to go upstairs than stay and watch TV with his grandfather, especially after he announced that he'd invite a few of the neighbours to watch football with him.

“Don't worry that everyone found something else to do even though you're our guest,” he said as he was showing Heracles the way upstairs. “It just means that they accepted you so easily that they're acting like idiots as usual.”

“It's fine. There's no need to fuss.”

Lovino had indeed spent a longer time cleaning his room than he normally would have. He had made sure it was enough to show that he had put in an effort but not enough to make him look desperate. As such, there were a couple of shirts tossed on the bed and over the door of his closet, an empty wine glass on the windowsill and a few magazines here there. What he had cleaned away with absolute precision were all of his embarrassing self-help books and the weeks-old trash that piled up so damn easily.

He wasn't really sure why he even bothered. Heracles was just as messy, and if they were going to stay together, it wouldn't take long before he discovered how good Lovino was at leaving things lying around.

Heracles wasted no time settling down on his bed and crossing his hands on his chest, like he was just testing out how comfortable the mattress was. Lovino had got past the stage where he would hesitate to join him, so after grabbing the extra clothes and tossing them in the general direction of the closet, he claimed the remaining space by Heracles' side.

“I like your family,” Heracles said.

“You must be crazy.”

“Mmh. Are you?”

“What?”

“You like them, so doesn't that make you crazy, too?”

“I like them because they're family. That's different. It's not like I have a choice.”

Heracles shifted a little so that there was less space between them. Lovino didn't complain when he put his arm around him and pulled him closer. He had learned that Heracles had his affectionate moments sometimes, and he knew that it would take nothing more than craning his neck just a little to turn this into something heated.

But as tempting as it was to do that and avoid his problems a while longer, he knew there was only one thing he should do.

“I need to talk to you about something.”

“I'm listening.” Heracles breath was warm against his breath.

“Okay, so... I introduced you to my family, right?”

“Right.”

“Aren't you at all wondering about... about where my parents are?”

“I assumed they're dead and you and your brother were raised by your grandparents.”

Lovino rested his head on Heracles' shoulder so that he wouldn't have to look at him. “Yeah, well you're half right. The part that you got wrong is that they aren't dead.”

Heracles let out a thoughtful hum but offered no comment.

“As you can guess, they haven't really been around,” Lovino muttered, feeling the old resentment flare up and spread heat everywhere in his body. “But that's just as well. They're assholes. I hate them.”

“You don't have to talk about them if you don't want to.”

“I know,” Lovino said, scowling at nobody in particular. “But I have to. You're going to find out anyway, so I want to you to hear it from me and not some jackass who'll tell you everything wrong.” As much as Lovino loved his grandfather, he couldn't help but think that he in particular had a twisted view of the whole ordeal. He figured it was no surprise. Lovino's mother was his daughter, after all.

“My parents are two bastards who couldn't sort out their life, so instead of acting like adults and dealing with their problems, they dumped me and Feli on our grandparents and left. It was during the summer holidays. They were going to pick us up after a week, but they never showed up. God, what losers.”

“Why? Surely they had some reason?”

Lovino gritted his teeth. People always said that, and it never failed to get under his skin. Who cared what reasons they had? They had still left.

“Yeah, sure,” he grumbled. “I found out later that they got a divorce that summer. They couldn't stand each other and hated their life, and I guess that included us. Can't really have a new beginning if you're stuck with two kids.”

He leaned back and made a face at the ceiling. “People like that shouldn't get married in the first place. They only married because mum was eighteen and pregnant with me. Hell, maybe that makes the whole mess my fault. Would have been better if they'd waited and had only Feli a few years later.”

“Did your grandparents tell you that?”

Lovino snorted. “No, but I'm not an idiot. And I have ears. I had that all figured out before I was ten.”

“Children can get silly ideas in their heads, but now that you're older, I'm sure you realise something like that can't be your fault?”

“I know,” Lovino growled. “I know, dammit. It doesn't help. Without me they wouldn't have got married so early, and then everything wouldn't have been so fucked up.”

Heracles brought a hand up to his hair and began to stroke him slowly. Usually when he did that, Lovino grumbled that he wasn't a cat and told him to stop, but he endured it this time.

“They're the ones who made all those choices, not you,” Heracles pointed out.

“Yeah, yeah. And to be honest, it can't have been that bad at first. They were together long enough to have Feli. I guess their attempt at playing home just wasn't good enough.”

“How old were you?”

“When they left? Six. Feliciano was three. The idiot doesn't remember a thing, so he doesn't care the way I do. Not that it matters, but it would be nice to have someone I could bond with over how much our parents suck and how much I hate them.”

And he did hate them. He could spend hours fantasizing about all the bad things in the world happening to them, or how they would come back and beg for his forgiveness. They'd cry they were so sorry for leaving them, but he would never accept their apologies. He could still remember how he had sat on top of his red luggage and waited for them to come pick them up. They had failed him that day, and he'd use every cruel word he knew and make them so _miserable_ if he ever got the chance. He wanted to hurt them so much that just thinking about it left him feeling drained but satisfied.

“Are you sure you – Or, never mind.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Forget it. Where are they now?”

Lovino shrugged. “I don't really care. Last time I heard, dad had a new family up in Milan. No idea about mum. She didn't even show up for Grandma's funeral.”

“Would you have liked her to?”

“As if!” Lovino let out a bark of laughter. “Like I'd ever want to see her again. And neither does Feli, I'm sure. Wherever she is, she can go to hell.”

“Things like that are complicated,” Heracles said and wrapped his other arm around him. Lovino accepted the embrace with minimal struggle and made an unhappy face, blinking away the tears that were stinging his eyes.

“Don't make excuses for her! She fucked up, and that's it. There's no going back. It's totally pointless! It's –”

Heracles leaned closer to press a kiss into his hair, and even though he didn't say anything, the gesture cut off Lovino's angry rant. He didn't want to make a complete fool of himself, so he focused on breathing until he was sure he could talk without his voice cracking.

“It's so dumb. I'm done crying about this. I don't care one bit. I just wanted to tell you so that you'd know why we don't talk about them at home. They aren't part of our lives.”

“Alright, I won't mention them.”

It was a relief to hear that, but sometimes Lovino couldn't help but feel guilty and wonder if his grandparents would have rather kept their daughter in their lives than taken care of him and Feliciano. Had they ever thought it would have been better if she had handed them over to a foster home? He'd probably never have the courage to ask.

His grandfather never brought his daughter up, but Lovino would have been dumb not to notice that he missed her. He just chose to ignore it. As far as he was concerned, the only ones to blame were his parents, so the rest of them shouldn't waste their time feeling sorry.

If he was a better person, he would have probably just swallowed his pride and hurt feelings for his grandfather's sake, but he couldn't bring himself to do that. Thinking about his parents made him want to throw up, so he didn't want to imagine what sitting down to talk with them would be like. He just wanted to pretend that they were dead.

He had thought it would be awkward to tell Heracles about all of this and had written a mental list of other subjects they could talk about afterwards, but it seemed that Heracles was perfectly at ease with everything he had said. He wasn't asking for explanations or making suggestions about trying to find his mother through those stupid reality TV shows. It was as if Lovino had just confessed that he didn't like broccoli or something similarly inane.

“So...” he started, trying to prod for some kind of reaction.

“If you're wondering if anything has changed, don't worry. I'm not dating you because I wanted to meet your parents.”

“Good. That's... I mean, there were some idiots who started feeling sorry for me. Like I was somehow defective just because those two assholes are missing from my life.” Lovino sat up and turned to look at Heracles, every cell in his body needy for confirmation. “I'm just fine without them. My family's not perfect, but we don't need them. That makes sense, right?”

“A lot of people grow up without parents. There's nothing wrong with you.”

“Yeah,” Lovino agreed readily, most of his tension melting away from his muscles. He crawled back into Heracles' arms and settled comfortably against him. He wondered what would be the least embarrassing way to ask Heracles to stay the night because he didn't like the idea of being left alone with his thoughts.

In the end, however, he never had to ask. Heracles made no mention of leaving, and they spent the night wrapped up in each other's limbs under the blankets.


	11. Chapter 11

Even though Lovino hadn't shared a bed with Heracles on more than a few occasions, something had already become known to him. Namely, he always woke up before him. He was used to the opposite and having his partners kick him out of bed in frustration, but with Heracles it was his turn to regain awareness first and realise that an entwined sleeping position was uncomfortable in the morning.

It was a new experience for him, and the novelty wasn't wearing thin yet. He let out a sleepy sigh and tried to move his numb feet as much as he could without disturbing the man by his side. Careful, he moved the arm that was thrown across his stomach and turned around to look at him.

Heracles looked calm when he was asleep, but that wasn't why Lovino liked watching him. He was always calm, unless he was ranting about whatever Sadik had done to ruin his life that day. Lovino simply wasn't used to being the one to watch anyone else as he often felt that everyone in the world was keeping an eye on him to catch him doing something embarrassing.

He reached out to brush some hair from Heracles' face to get a better look at him. The other shifted at his touch, and he felt a momentary flash of panic at being discovered doing something silly like that. But Heracles didn't wake up; he simply buried his face into the pillow to escape his fingers.

Lovino strained to fumble around the floor for his cell phone to see how late it was. He wasn't overly worried as he didn't have to be at work until three, but it would be good to know how much time he had to loiter in bed. He was pleasantly surprised to notice that it was barely past eight, which meant nobody had any right to expect him to get up yet.

“This is my blanket, so give me more of it,” he muttered and tried to tug at it. They had got undressed at some point during the night – it had been when they had both been near the verge of sleep, so he only had vague memories of throwing clothes around and helping Heracles with his shirt.

He managed to reclaim some of the blanket and dove under it. Heracles' skin was warm against his, and he decided that all he wanted at the moment was to fall back asleep and enjoy his closeness a little more. Just for a bit longer he'd pretend that the rest of the world didn't exist.

But his moving around had disturbed Heracles' sleep, and he was soon supporting himself on his elbows and blinking groggily.

“Go back to sleep,” Lovino said.

“What time is it?”

“Too early to be up when we don't have to be anywhere. So shut up already.”

Heracles ignored his command and sat up, scratching his head and rubbing his eyes. As much as he liked to sleep, he was quick to wake up once something drove him to it, so he was soon more alert than Lovino could ever be this early. And one thing he had learned about Heracles was that there were only two things that could motivate him to get up before he absolutely had to.

“If you're going to get coffee, bring me some while you're at it,” Lovino said and grabbed the entire blanket now that it was available.

“We can do that later.”

Lovino took a surprised peek from under the blanket just as he felt Heracles climb to sit on top of his thighs. It looked like he was after the other thing, then. Lovino wasn't a morning person and would have rather waited until his mind wasn't so foggy, but he supposed this was one way to wake up.

“Can't we have coffee first?” he asked as Heracles leaned down to trace along his neck with his lips. Lovino craned his head back to give him better access and brought his hands up to the other's hair.

“Not this time.”

“You aren't usually – nnhh! – this needy in the morning.”

Instead of replying, Heracles moved his lips from Lovino's neck to his jaw and then to his mouth. Lovino arched into the kiss, wondering if he'd ever grow used to the force that Heracles could put into his touches when he was passionate about something.

“Yuck, don't kiss me after you've just woken up,” he complained once they had broken apart.

Despite his words, he was more than a little disappointed when Heracles did just that and straightened his back.

“I meant on the mouth,” Lovino grumbled, reaching out to grab Heracles' sides in an attempt to pull him back. “Everywhere else is fine.”

Heracles smiled at that – actually _smiled_ at him, and Lovino felt like nothing could have made the morning better. His usual reaction to everything that caused him trouble was to regret it, but now he found himself thinking that it was good the previous day had happened. He had told his most painful secret to him, and absolutely nothing had changed. The realisation that everything was still fine hit him hard and he pulled Heracles down against him, not to kiss him, only to bury his face into the crook of his neck and to have him close.

“What's wrong?” Heracles asked.

“That's just it. Nothing.”

That was enough for the other, and they remained like that until Lovino's foot started to go numb and he wanted to move again – or at least that was the explanation he gave to Heracles. It wasn't like he could just admit that he was ready to go back to the kissing and fondling now.

Heracles' hands travelled down his stomach, followed by his lips. The further down he went, the more frustrated Lovino grew, both because every touch left his senses burning and because what he wanted the most right now was to make Heracles feel good, not just receive pleasure.

“Enough,” he growled as Heracles was about to slip a hand into his boxers. “I'm going first.”

“I'm in the middle of something,” Heracles said with a hint of irritation in his voice, but he allowed Lovino to sit up and push him down.

“My bed, my rules.”

Lovino felt a little silly about how he was already half-hard from only a couple of touches and hoped that he'd be able to get the same reaction out of Heracles. Once he had learned just how much experience the other had, sex with him had become a little bit intimidating. He couldn't help but wonder if Heracles was comparing him to the people he had been with before and if yes, how he was fairing. Lovino was far from a virgin, but a lot of his experience was with women, so it didn't translate all that well to what he was about to do.

Heracles was better built than he was, and Lovino always enjoyed following the shape of his chest and sides with his hands. He had once asked how come he wasn't pudgier when he just slept or sat before his laptop all day. Heracles had looked a little irritated at that, saying that he did plenty more, but so far Lovino had seen no proof of it.

He placed a kiss on Heracles' stomach and reached down to stroke him lightly through his underwear, slowly increasing the pressure. It was too early to get really passionate, so he took it slow, even when Heracles shifted to sit up and gave his head an impatient nudge with his hand. Lovino spent one more moment teasing him, but finally settled between his legs and pulled his underwear down to his thighs.

No matter how many times he did this, he always felt a little self-conscious about it. He knew it was stupid, but he had a deep-rooted fear of doing something embarrassing in bed, and having saliva run down his jaw because he couldn't swallow counted in his books. As did making stupid, wet sounds with his mouth. When he had been experimenting for the first few times in his life, he'd tried to keep anything like that to a minimum, but that had just led to unsatisfactory sex, so he had been forced to accept that it couldn't be clean or perfect.

At first, he had thought it would take him some time to learn what Heracles liked in bed, but he had surprised him one evening and given him a list of things that got him going. It made everything simpler, he had said, but had added that trying out new things was always fun. Lovino hadn't been sure what to think of such a straightforward approach, but he had decided it was pretty handy. At least he now didn't have to make guesses about whether Heracles liked this or that and be embarrassed if he got it wrong. The only bad thing had been that Heracles had wanted a similar list from him, and he had nearly choked on his words as he had tried to explain some of his preferences.

A moan from Heracles reminded him that he he shouldn't use just his hands, so he took the tip of his length into his mouth and gave it a slow lick. He wrapped his lips around it and went down, not too deep because he didn't want to risk starting his day by cleaning vomit off his bed.

Heracles was warm and salty in his mouth, and for a while he lost himself in the taste and smell and the feeling of his hands grabbing his hair to encourage him. But it was the needy groans that Lovino liked the most – when he had sputtered and spoken in half syllables as he had explained his tastes to him, one of the things he had listed had been that he liked to please people. He could put his own pleasure aside and focus on doing anything the other wanted because hearing and feeling that he was wanted was almost as satisfying as the actual sex.

It crossed his mind that maybe he should tell Heracles to keep it quiet or everyone else would hear, but that would have required taking him out of his mouth, so fuck it, they could hear for all he cared. He could do whatever he wanted in his room, and the way Heracles kept moaning broken syllables of his name was making him so warm and happy and pleased.

A sudden shudder that went through Heracles' body told him that he was right on the edge, so Lovino gave him one last suck and then couldn't help groaning himself as the other came into his mouth. He pulled back, wiping his lips and forcing himself to swallow. He didn't normally do it, but he was planning to spend some more time lying in his bed, so he didn't want to make a mess.

He rubbed his mouth and opened and closed his jaw to get the numbness out of them and turned to look at Heracles who had lain down on the bed, his chest still heaving. Lovino crawled to lie by his side and poked at his stomach with his finger.

“Well? You going to return the favour?”

“In a minute.”

“And make it good while you're at it. You probably alerted the whole house to what we're doing in here, so this had better be worth it.”

“It's not my fault I can't help myself when you're down there.”

“Nggh,” was all that Lovino was able to say to that, and rolled over on his back to stare at the ceiling so that Heracles wouldn't see the blush that was spreading everywhere on his face. Thankfully the other was quick to resume where he had left off earlier and to distract him. His touches were so intense that they almost burned, and Heracles had to grab his hips and push him down on the bed to stop him from wriggling. By the time they were done, he could point out that Lovino had been far louder than him.

***

Heracles had to do research in the library, so after a few moments of bliss, they had no choice but to get up and take a shower – separately, as Lovino wanted to save at least the remains of his dignity. He let Heracles go first and went to the kitchen to make coffee, only to discover that his grandfather had already taken care of that and was sitting at the table, a satisfied smile on his face.

Lovino couldn't even be bothered to ask what was going on with him. He tried to sound neutral as he grumbled him a good morning and went to inspect the contents of the fridge. He didn't actually want anything but coffee for breakfast, but this provided him with an excuse not to sit down and talk about anything.

“Are Feli and Giorgio at the shop?” he asked and slammed the fridge door shut after he could no longer pretend that there was anything interesting inside.

“Mmh, they left a few hours ago.”

Good, so at least they hadn't had the entire family as their audience.

For a while, Lovino remained on guard, worrying that his grandfather might say something, but it never happened. He was more likely to make stupid comments before than afterwards, Lovino reasoned, since he considered himself the god of sex and always wanted to give tips to everyone who was listening. Maybe he was satisfied with what he had heard and didn't feel the need to say anything.

More relaxed, Lovino poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down to face his grandfather. He couldn't help but think back to the previous night and everything he had told Heracles. What would happen if he brought any of it up with his grandfather? It was years since they had last talked about it, and it had ended with Lovino marching out of the house and yelling that he hated his entire family.

It had been stupid, he knew now. But maybe running away from his problems instead of talking about them was a family trait he had got from his parents.

“Has Feli already told you about the beach trip in August?” he asked.

His grandfather nodded. “I think it's a great idea. Georgio and I will take care of the shop, so you can stay away as long as you want!”

“It's just for a day or two. Antonio's new boss is an ass who won't give him more time off.”

“He should find a better job.”

“He's lucky to have one at all in these times.” Despite his words, Lovino agreed. Antonio didn't deserve to work like a slave and have such crazy hours for so little pay. His job at the warehouse was crap. He was supposed to do something that was so much fun it barely qualified as work, like grow vegetables or flowers or be a tour guide or sing something at a street corner.

“It's too bad his schedule is so busy. We could let him work at the shop every now and then, but there's no point if he has to quit his real job to have time for it.”

The same had crossed Lovino's mind, but he had given up on the idea when Giorgio had moved to live with them. With him working at the shop, they couldn't really afford to hire anyone else.

His thoughts were interrupted when his phone started ringing. When he dug it out of his pocket, he saw that he didn't recognise the number that was calling.

“Probably some damn telemarketer,” he grumbled but hit the green button anyway. Some poor idiot had to do that job, too, and maybe it was someone like Antonio. “Yeah?”

“Hi! It's me!”

Such an introduction would have normally led to nothing but confusion, but there was no mistaking the voice that sounded like someone was making whipped cream but had forgotten to take the spoon out of the mixer.

“Where the hell did you get my number?” Lovino asked once he realised he was talking to Gilbert.

“From Antonio.”

“And what do you want?”

“Listen, can we talk about yesterday?”

“Depends on what you want to say.”

“Yeah, well, I guess I was a bit of a jerk, right? But that's just because I was so surprised you had a boyfriend! I had no idea! So, I just wanted to make sure you aren't going to be mad at me next time we talk.”

“I'm used to dealing with idiots.”

“That's good, but I'm _not_ an idiot! I just sometimes have momentary lapses into quite not as awesome as normally. But they're always over really quickly! Just, next time you want to introduce me to your boyfriend, don't be so sudden about it, okay?”

“Don't worry, I'm not planning to get a new one any time soon.”

A short pause. “Yeah, of course not. That's not what I meant.”

Lovino wanted to point out that Gilbert's “momentary lapses” only seemed to happen when he was exposed to the fact that there were some men in the world who liked other men. But maybe he was already aware of that since he always came back to apologize.

“Okay, listen. I don't think you're the type of guy who goes around apologizing a lot, right?” he said.

Gilbert let out a coarse laugh. “Hahaha, of course not! Because I rarely do anything I should apologize for.”

“Yeah, right,” Lovino said and wished Gilbert could have seen him rolling his eyes. “But my point is, why are you apologizing to me so much? This is the second time, and we've only met something like thrice.”

“It's been more often than that.”

“Whatever. I know why you're apologizing to me when you wouldn't do it to someone else, and I want you to cut it out. If you're going to be a disgusting potato-brained jerk to everyone else, you had better be that to me, too!”

“Wha – Okay, I don't get you.”

“I'm normal!” Lovino yelled into the phone and, on a whim, pressed the red button to end the call.

“Who was that?” his grandfather asked.

Lovino tossed his phone on the table with a huff. “Gilbert.”

Just then, Heracles showed up at the entrance, drying his hair on a towel. He gave Lovino a curious glance from under the brown locks. 

“What did he want?”

“He said he was sorry for yesterday.”

“Do you believe him?”

Lovino shrugged. “Yeah, why not? He's an ass, but he wasn't insulting us or anything.”

“You know him better,” Heracles agreed and went to help himself to some coffee.

Lovino felt a little apprehensive about leaving his grandfather and Heracles alone in the kitchen, but he couldn't imagine going any longer without a shower. He usually spent a long time under the water and washed his hair twice plus used conditioner, but this time he beat his record and was out in just a little under five minutes.

Hoping that no lasting damage had been done, either to his relationship with Heracles or with his grandfather, he made his way back to the kitchen. He found the two still seated at the table, discussing something that was making them both gesture wildly with their hands and laugh. Wanting to hear what was going on before he entered, Lovino chose to stand in the hallway and listen for a while.

“And that's why I decided to copy it and paint it on the wall. It was the only one that Lovino didn't want to cover,” his grandfather was saying, and Lovino knew right away what they were talking about.

“That's because it was the only decent one,” he said, irritated as he thought back to his grandfather's frescoes at the gelato shop. He didn't know how the place had stayed in business for so many years with the obscene images he had painted on the walls. Romulus claimed it was to honour the ancient Romans, but Lovino was pretty sure he just wanted to look at them while he worked. The first thing he had done when he had started working at the shop was to cover everything he could with furniture. It had raised the sales, though at first his grandfather had complained that his friends no longer wanted to come and chat with him so much.

“We should paint over them,” he added.

“No, no! You'll regret it when you reach my age! We have to keep them!” his grandfather protested.

Heracles finished his coffee and stood up. “I should probably go or my research won't get anywhere.”

“Thanks for dropping by,” Romulus said. “Come back any time you want!”

They made a quick trip upstairs to retrieve Heracles' laptop, after which Lovino walked him to the door. He couldn't decide what he wanted to say or do. There was no point in being sappy because they could see each other any time they wanted, but there was a part of him that just yearned to grab the front of his shirt and pull him into a kiss.

“I'll see you later,” he said, trying to sound cool.

“You can come to my place after work if you'd like.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Heracles had already taken one step down the stairs when Lovino made up his mind, caught a hold of his arm and made him turn around. The kiss was nothing more than a peck on the lips, but somehow it was more than enough.

***

It was a quiet evening at work. Lovino kept watch on the counter while his grandfather was already cleaning things at the back. It was fifteen minutes since anyone had come in to buy anything, and Lovino was growing bored. Then he heard the sound of footsteps on the floor tiles, and his mood improved even more when he realised who it was.

“Hey, you haven't been around a lot,” he said as Belle stepped inside.

“Sorry. I've been a little busy.” She smiled as she slid to sit on one of the stools by the counter.

“There's always time to make up for that. So, what are you having? Chocolate like always?”

“I don't know if I should. I've been snacking on things at the café, and I don't want it to show.”

“Like Antonio would care.” He probably wouldn't even notice, Lovino thought to himself.

Belle frowned at him in irritation. “It's not for his sake! I want to look great for myself, especially since we're going to the beach later.”

“A few kilos here and there won't make you look any less great,” Lovino said, already scooping a portion of chocolate gelato for her. He placed it before her, and after a moment of biting her lip in hesitation she relented and grabbed a spoon.

“But just this once,” she reminded him. 

Lovino tried to strike up a conversation about her studies and when she thought she was likely to graduate, but he soon noticed two things. One, Belle was only picking at her gelato. Two, her answers were short and even those seemed to give her trouble, like her thoughts were somewhere completely different.

“What's wrong?” he asked.

Belle lifted her eyes from her gelato in surprise. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“Our gelato is the best in Rome, and you're eating it like it's made of potatoes. Something's on your mind.”

“It's nothing. I guess I just...” Belle stuck her spoon onto the gelato and sighed. “Forget it. I didn't come here to complain. I wanted to ask about your boyfriend and when I can see him.”

“Soon enough, but that's not important right now. Tell me what's wrong.”

“You're going to think I'm selfish and horrible if I say it.”

“Tch, yeah right. Try me.” Like he'd ever think that way about Belle. She was wonderful and the most amazing woman he had ever met. He no longer stayed awake at night with his face buried in his pillow because she didn't love him the way he wanted – no, the way he had _once_ wanted, he realised – but he'd never stop thinking she was brilliant.

“Well...” She gave the spoon a poke that nearly sent it falling over into a pool of melting gelato. “I guess I'm a little lonely.”

“What, lonely?”

“Yeah, stupid isn't it? I just got married! But now that Antonio has that new job, he's always asleep when I wake up, and I don't want to bother him because he's been working all night. Then I go to class and to work, and by the time I get back, he's usually gone. The last time we had a chance to speak more than a few words to each other was three days ago! But I don't want to complain because he was so lucky to get that job, and we need the money if we ever want to move into a better apartment.”

“That's not stupid,” Lovino said at once. “It sucks that it has to be like that, and... I bet he misses you just as much.” He wished he knew what he could say, but he saw no way of changing the situation, other than by finding a new job for Antonio. And that wasn't likely to happen soon. He couldn't do magic.

“I know,” Belle said miserably, and – oh, hell, was she starting to cry? No, no, this wasn't acceptable!

“Hey,” he said and hurried closer. “It's not going to be like that forever.”

“I know,” Belle said again, wiping the corners of her eyes. “But it's not really just that. It's silly, but I guess it's only now that I'm realising that I'm really going to stay here. For good. I like Rome, but my family and my old friends are all in Belgium, and it's just hitting me that I'm probably never going to live with them again. And who knows when we'll have the money to visit?”

Lovino wasn't sure what to say. He didn't think he'd ever be able to move away from his family, especially to another country, no matter how much he loved someone. He'd be miserable. But he couldn't say that to Belle. He had to convince her that she had made the right choice and that even if she missed everyone, a life with Antonio was still the best for her.

“It'll get better as soon as Antonio finds a better job, and I bet it'll be in no time that you're having breakfast in your new kitchen and thinking that it was so worth it. And you can spend all your holidays in Belgium with that brother of yours who was scowling at everyone at the wedding.”

Belle smiled a little. “His name is Lars. When will you remember?” 

“When he gives me a reason to.”

In truth, Belle's brother wasn't that bad. At first Lovino had been wary of him because of his gruff attitude, but they had got along surprisingly well. Lars was quiet but earnest, and he was one of the few people who took Lovino seriously and didn't make fun of him, even though they didn't know each other that well.

“Invite him here next time he's got time off work,” he suggested.

“I might.”

“If you don't, I will.” And that gave him an idea. He couldn't do much to change the sucky situation in Belle's life right now, but there were lots of ways in which he could remind her that no matter what it felt like, she didn't have to be lonely in Rome.


	12. Chapter 12

Lovino suppressed a sigh and tried – and failed – to keep his face devoid of an irritated frown. He couldn't stand half the people who had gathered at the gelato shop, but for Belle's sake he had no choice but to swallow the temptation to kick them all out and ban them from coming back.

After Belle's visit two days ago, he had called all of her and Antonio's friends that he knew even barely and had invited them to the shop to plan a surprise. This wasn't a large number of people, but he supposed it was enough to get something done.

Feliciano and Michela were both present, and it was thanks to them that Lovino was sure he'd be able to manage. To their left sat Francis, of whom Lovino didn't know much else than that he worked as an assistant in a men's clothing store and that he was serious competition for the spot of Antonio's favourite wine-tasting buddy. As much as that last point aggravated him, it also made Francis a good candidate for what he had in mind.

Francis was currently engaged in a conversation with Gilbert, which surprised Lovino somewhat. The two were so different. Even if he only admitted it grudgingly, Francis had style and taste, both of which Gilbert lacked. He couldn't imagine what they had in common, and yet they were getting along just fine.

He had thought twice before inviting Gilbert, but he had decided to put his personal feelings aside. If the stunt with the honeymoon had taught him anything, it was that he was willing to go all out when he was helping his friends. If he managed to pull off something that made Belle smile, it would be worth the aggravation.

There were a few more people he would have liked to invite, but several of Antonio's friends had moved out of Rome during the past year, and Lovino didn't think they'd be coming even if he called them. Maybe if it was an emergency, but not for something like this.

“Okay, listen,” he said. He was standing behind the counter because he felt that everyone would just ignore him if he didn't make himself stand out somehow. It was past closing time, so everything was clean or had been carried to the back for the following morning.

Thankfully, the others' conversation died quickly, so he didn't have to repeat himself and feel awkward about it.

“Here's the thing. Belle's feeling down, so I want everybody to be really nice to her and do something to cheer her up. Uh, like... We could throw her a party or something.” He wished he had some great, elaborate plan to present to the others, but he wasn't very good at organizing things. It was an accomplishment enough that he had been able to gather all these people here at the same time.

“Yeah, I've noticed she's been a little different, too,” Michela said. “Has something happened?”

“She's homesick. And Antonio's crap work schedules aren't helping.”

Francis let out a long, empathetic hum. “He's been ridiculously busy lately.”

“Yeah, he never goes out with me anymore. Not fair!” Gilbert added.

“I never see him around anymore either,” Lovino said with a huff. He was Antonio's _best_ friend, so he had more right to complain than this idiot. “But this isn't about us. It's about Belle.”

“I think the party was a good idea! We could throw it at our place since Antonio and Belle's apartment is so small. And their kitchen sucks. We can't cook anything there,” Feliciano said.

“Agreed. I made the mistake of trying once,” Francis said. Lovino didn't want to say anything bad about Belle's kitchen, but there was no changing the fact that it was more like a small cleaning closet with barely any space for putting anything down. And the stove only had two burners, so it was pretty much a good for nothing piece of crap.

“If that means Lovino is cooking, I'm game,” Gilbert said.

“Of course I am! What, did you think someone would let you do it?”

“I can cook! And besides, I bet Belle's taste is more like mine than yours anyway.”

Lovino scoffed at the idea, but he didn't want to start an argument with Gilbert. It was late, and he had no idea when all of them would next have time to meet, so they had to make decisions fast.

In the end, it wasn't that difficult to agree on what each of them would do. Lovino wasn't about to let anyone else cook, though he relented a little bit when Francis brought up that his grandmother's home-made chocolate recipe was originally Belgian. Feliciano and Michela promised to clean and decorate.

After Gilbert was told that him showing up wasn't enough of a contribution, he agreed to bring his laptop and let them use his Internet key so that could call Belle's brother on Skype and have him join the party that way. Lovino wished they could have flown him to Rome, but Lars had told him he was busy at the pharmacy where he worked and couldn't make it on such a short notice.

The only problem that they faced was that it was unlikely Antonio would be making it to the party. It was already difficult enough to find an evening when all of them and Belle wouldn't have anything to do, but Antonio's schedules were impossible to fit into their plans.

“I don't think it matters,” Francis said diplomatically. “When Antonio has a rare evening off, why should he spend it at a party? He should be somewhere alone with Belle and let her know how appreciated she is in ways that we can't.”

The glance that Francis and Gilbert shared made Lovino sure that the two of them wouldn't have minded trying, and he wanted to punch them both. One didn't think of their friend's wife that way. In his case, it had been different. He had actually been in love with her, unlike these two disgusting oafs who didn't even deserve to talk to her.

Feliciano let out a giggle, and Lovino turned to glare at him, ready to add him to the list of people who were going to get a piece of his mind soon.

“What is it?” he growled.

“I just thought of something funny. I mean, we're organizing a party for Belle because she's homesick, but what about everybody else? Aren't Michela, Francis and Gilbert homesick, too?”

It was true, Lovino realised. Most of the people in his circle of friends weren't originally from Italy. Not even Antonio was, but that was easy to forget since he had moved to Rome when he had been a child. He felt a little ashamed that he hadn't thought Michela might be homesick, but he had figured it would be Feliciano to take care of her.

“I'm not homesick,” Michela said at once. “My family here has taken me in like I grew up here, and I talk with my parents all the time. It's okay.”

Francis waved his hand like he could swat the issue away. “I'm fine. France is the most magnificent, but Italy isn't a bad runner-up, at least for as long as I have something to learn of my craft here.”

Everybody turned to look at Gilbert.

“Huh, me? No way! If anything, my family is Gilbert-sick. Every day, someone is begging me to come back!”

“Then pack your bags and go,” Lovino suggested. Everybody else had a reason to be in Italy. Francis wanted to learn design from a respected tailor, Michela was there to get to know her mother's side of the family, Belle had got married. With the way things were, many capable Italians were leaving the country to find better work, pay and political environment elsewhere, so there was no reason for a random German to want to live in Rome. Unless he was so pathetic that he couldn't make it in Germany and had to go elsewhere, but Lovino didn't really want to think that Italy had sunk so low that they were now appealing to all the worst losers from other countries.

Gilbert shrugged. “Maybe some time. For now I'm enjoying the change of scenery.”

They spent some more time going over the details and agreed on the date. They decided Michela would invite Belle to watch a movie with her so that she'd have the evening free for their party without them having to tell her in advance. She'd make up some excuse and bring her to the Vargas house where everybody would be ready to surprise her.

When they were done, Lovino hopped on his Vespa and drove to Heracles' place. The other had called him earlier that day and asked him to drop by, saying that he had something to show him. Lovino had no idea what it could be. Heracles didn't strike him as one who liked to prepare surprises.

He was greeted with a kiss when he arrived, and he accepted it even as he kept struggling to take off his jacket.

“So, why did I have to drag myself here this late?” he asked.

“I bought a TV.”

“What?”

Heracles grabbed his head and forced him to turn his eyes from him to the corner of the room. Indeed, there was a TV, positioned between two piles of books and in front of the bed so that they could watch it lying down.

“Why did you buy a TV?”

“You were complaining that I always fall asleep right after sex. Now you have something to do without me.”

Lovino made an irritated sound at the back of his throat and pushed his way past Heracles to take a closer look at the TV. It looked like Heracles had picked it up at a flea market, but as one press of a button on its side proved, it still worked. Some dumb movie was on, but he didn't want to start watching it from the middle.

“Don't you have a remote?” he asked.

“No, the guy said it's been lost. You have to press the buttons here,” Heracles said and switched the channel for him.

“Great, now I have to get up and leave the bed every time I want to watch something.”

“You could always just stay where you are. There's never anything good on anyway.”

Lovino didn't resist when Heracles wrapped his arms around his waist and guided him towards the bed. Never before had he been in a relationship that involved as much sex as this one. It wasn't a problem since the sex was really good, even if a bit clunky at times because they both liked to bottom. However, that problem had been solved when they had decided that the one who got to pick also had to get up first to make coffee in the morning, so now things felt even.

“I've been running errands all day. I'm tired,” he warned the other as they fell on the bed. “And I don't want to do anything when the TV's on.”

Heracles lifted his brows at him. “Why not? It's not like they're real people.”

“I know that! It's just distracting! So, if you're going to do something, first turn off the damn TV and then do whatever you want. I'll just lie here.”

“Hmm.” Heracles pressed his chin on Lovino's stomach and frowned as he mulled it over. Then, having apparently made his decision, he rolled over so that they were side by side. “I think I'll just lie here, too.” 

“Lazy ass,” Lovino grumbled. He waited a while, expecting Heracles to point out that he was just as bad, but such a comment never came. He sometimes wished that the other would respond to his insults a little more eagerly, not because he liked fighting with him but because it made him feel guilty if he was the only one doing it. He snuggled a little closer and hoped it made clear that he hadn't meant what he'd said.

“Anyway,” he started, “we're throwing a little party for Belle. She's homesick. It's at our place some time next week. Do you want to come? I could introduce you to my friends.”

“Sure. It would be nice to see what kind of friends you have.”

And what was that supposed to mean? Just that, or was that a come-back for his earlier words? It was hard to tell, and that always frustrated Lovino. He tended to react wrong even when he knew exactly what was going on, so having to guess was bothersome.

Maybe he'd just pretend he hadn't noticed anything. He was probably over-thinking it anyway.

It occurred to him that Heracles hadn't introduced him to any friends yet either. Surely he had some. The question was on the tip of his tongue, but then he decided that he didn't want to ask. Heracles had kept quiet about his parents even though he must have wondered about them, so he'd return the favour.

“You'll like them. Most of them anyway. Gilbert's still an ass.”

“I thought you said he wasn't your friend?”

“He's not, but he's friends with everyone else I know, so I can't get rid of him.”

“That doesn't mean you have to tolerate him if he gives you trouble.”

“Oh? And when did you get this protective?”

“I'm not,” Heracles said with a defensive edge to his voice. When Lovino turned to look, he saw the faintest hint of colour on his cheeks. It was endearing; Heracles rarely let his emotions get the better of him.

“You are,” Lovino argued and rolled over so that he was partly lying on top of the other. “And I guess I like it.”

“And you're showing it by trying to crush me?”

“I'm being affectionate, dammit!”

Heracles chuckled softly and shifted a little to get into a more comfortable position under him. Even though he had told Feliciano he'd be back home for the night, Lovino decided to stay right where he was. He rested his head against Heracles' shoulder and closed his eyes, content to just enjoy the closeness and not do anything more than that.

***

Lovino had to be at the gelato shop early in the morning, so he didn't have the luxury of sleeping in. He did get some coffee in bed because Heracles was kind enough to get up first, though it took a good deal of whining and grumbling before he relented. In return, Lovino had to promise that he'd be on top next time they felt like doing something in bed. The coffee was really good and made his mind function, so he supposed it was a fair trade.

“Damn, I'm going to be late again,” he muttered as he was throwing his clothes on.“Do you have to live so far away from the shop?”

“The rent is cheap, and I like the area.”

Lovino grumbled a bit more but went to give Heracles – who was back in bed, not fair! – a parting kiss anyway. He felt a little awkward about so much affection, but Heracles seemed to like that sort of casual things, and he wanted to make him happy. Had they been in public, he probably wouldn't have even agreed to hold hands for five seconds.

He had the misfortune of running into Sadik on his way out, which always seemed to happen when he was staying over. Lovino was starting to suspect he had memorized the time when he usually left and always came to the hallway on purpose so that they'd meet and he could gloat. This time, however, the surprise on the other's face seemed genuine.

“What, I had no idea you were here again. I thought maybe you had finally come to your senses and dumped him.”

“And why's that?”

Sadik grinned, and Lovino wanted to kick his teeth in. “I didn't hear anything last night.”

“Oh, yeah?” Lovino had to fight to keep himself from gritting his teeth. “I guess I shouldn't be surprised a loser like you doesn't even have a sex life, so you have no choice but to listen to your neighbour having a great time.”

“That's not it, you brat! I have a lot of sex, and I bet it's better than yours! I regularly have sex with two people at the same time!”

“Yeah, they need each other because they know they'd get no satisfaction if either was alone with you.”

He was expecting Sadik to start yelling at him or punch him – those hairy arms looked like they were strong – but instead, he stared stupidly at him for a moment before bursting into a roaring laughter. Before Lovino could make a run for it, he got slapped on the back and nearly lost his balance in the process.

“You're pretty spiteful, huh? I guess you've got a lot of spark in you for someone so small. No wonder Heracles likes you. He probably couldn't get his engine started without some good help.”

“Fuck you,” Lovino growled and threw off the arm that was now wrapped around his shoulders. “You don't get to be friendly if you're talking shit about my boyfriend at the same time!”

“Why not? I bet he talks the same way about me to you.”

“That's different! But I'm going to be late for work, so I don't have time to get into involved in whatever petty feud the two of you have going. Just let me be.”

As he made his way out of the building, he decided that next time Heracles commented on how he shouldn't hang out with Gilbert if he was such an ass, he'd point out that the other willingly kept going to the store where Sadik worked and never wasted an opportunity to butt heads with him. Gilbert was nothing compared to Heracles' obnoxious neighbour.

There was already a lot of traffic in the streets, so Lovino had to be careful as he slithered among the cars on his Vespa. To someone who didn't know how he usually drove, he probably came off as suicidal, but he considered it a great demonstration of his self-control that he actually stopped at the first red light instead of whooshing past it.

There was a fancy, black car by his side. Lovino barely glanced at it at first, figuring that it just belonged to some rich ass who was off to work and had had the back windows darkened so that the common folk couldn't see him. But the front windows were normal, and once he caught sight of the driver, he could no longer turn away.

It was Gilbert. So, his story about driving a nice car was true. Lovino had been half-sure he had made it up, but there he was, dressed in a suit and with his usually unruly hair combed back. However, the dignified look was ruined by him tapping his hands on the wheel and singing along to whatever he was listening to inside the car.

Lovino couldn't help grinning, especially since it was unlikely Gilbert would recognise him with his helmet on, so he could stare as much as he wanted. He wasn't surprised the other was acting like a complete idiot, but somehow it was nice to notice Gilbert was always like that and that it wasn't just a trick to annoy him when he dropped by .

At that moment, Gilbert noticed that he had an audience and turned to grin at him. He lifted one hand from the wheel to wave at him. Lovino wished his expressions could have been seen from under the helmet because the situation was begging for an irritated grimace and a roll of his eyes. However, he had to settle for flipping him off, to which Gilbert reacted with a laughter that Lovino couldn't hear.

Then the light turned green, and they were both off. It didn't take long before Gilbert took a different turn. Lovino didn't want to die because of a bastard, so he he kept his eyes on the road and didn't turn to watch him disappear into the traffic, even though he was almost tempted to.

Next time he saw Gilbert, maybe he'd ask what kind of music he liked to listen to. Lovino wasn't holding his breath for him having a good taste, but maybe he'd at least get a laugh out of his answer.


	13. Chapter 13

Francis was stirring the chocolate in the saucepan and humming something to himself. Lovino didn't recognise the tune, so he decided it had to be French and therefore not good. He kept a close eye on the other as he worked, like a father watching his baby girl with her first boyfriend. He didn't like letting a Frenchman touch his stove, but for Belle he'd endure anything.

“You don't have to worry. I know what I'm doing,” Francis said and directed an amused smile in his direction.

“If I don't keep an eye on you, you're going to blow up half the house. I bet that's how most of the French cuisine was born.”

Francis chuckled and turned his eyes back to the chocolate. “Mmm. You say that, but I know I'm a pleasure to eyes. Don't be embarrassed, it's a normal reaction.”

In hindsight, maybe it was no wonder Francis and Gilbert were friends.

“Tch. Yeah, right. And now move aside so that I can take a look at the pizza.”

The food was almost finished; there was only that last pizza to go. He had also made bruschetta, and everyone had brought something to drink. His grandfather had made a special portion of Belle's favourite gelato. Francis' chocolate had been in the fridge since the previous day, but upon seeing the gelato, he had grown inspired and had insisted on making chocolate sauce to go with it.

Satisfied that the food was fine for now, Lovino decided to take a risk and leave Francis alone in the kitchen. He made his way to the living room to see how the others were doing with their preparations.

Feliciano and Michela had made the room cosy by dragging an extra couch up from the basement and moving the furniture around so that everyone could sit together in a semi-circle. They had printed out dozens of photos of Belle with Antonio or her friends and taped them all over the walls to show her how many people in Rome cared about her.

There were a few of the honeymoon photos the two had distributed among their friends, but most of them had been taken elsewhere. There was one of Belle sitting by the counter at the gelato shop and laughing at something. Lovino found himself on the right in the picture, half-hidden by her frame, and wondered if it was at something he had said. He couldn't remember, but he always liked when Belle laughed at his jokes.

Many of the pictures were of Belle and Michela going out with their other friends or fooling around at either one's apartment. Lovino looked through them once, but he didn't know most of the people in them. There were a couple of pictures with Gilbert as well, but not as many as he had expected. Gilbert was the kind of guy who loved the spotlight, so it would have made sense for him to be on the forefront whenever someone had a camera.

His eyes stopped on a photo in which Belle, Francis and Gilbert were standing in front of a fountain. The corner of the photo was fuzzy because someone's finger was there, so Lovino guessed Antonio had taken the picture.

“Nice, isn't it?” Feliciano asked as he came over to look at the photos.

“There are smudges in it.”

“Yeah, too bad about the finger. It would have been such a pretty shot otherwise.”

“No, I meant these two,” Lovino said and pointed at Francis and Gilbert.

Feliciano frowned at him in disapproval. “You're mean! This is supposed to be a friendship party!”

Lovino rolled his eyes and let out an impatient sound. Sure, whatever. He didn't count Francis or Gilbert among his friends, but he wasn't going to throw a tantrum about them this time. Tonight was all about Belle, and if she liked those two idiots, so be it.

“It was a little hard to find good photos of Gilbert,” Feliciano said. “I thought there'd be a lot, so I tried to look him up on Facebook, but I don't think he's got an account.”

“What, really?” That was a surprise. Lovino was sure Gilbert was the type who updated his status every five minutes with inane things because he thought he was so amazing that everybody wanted to know that he just had a shower or what he had for dinner. He couldn't imagine that he didn't have an account at all.

“You probably just didn't look well enough. Maybe he's listed as Mr. Awesome or some shit.”

“Could be, but Antonio said he doesn't want any of his friends to put his photos online, so maybe he just likes privacy. But Francis gave me some really nice pictures, so it doesn't matter.”

Speaking of the devil, that was the moment when they heard the sound of the front door being opened with a bang. Lovino grimaced and swore to have Gilbert's head if he had done any damage and marched to see what he was doing.

“Just what the hell is that?” he asked when he saw the other struggling with something long under his arm.

“I got a great idea, so I borrowed this from the hotel!”

“Yeah, but what is it?”

Gilbert put down the bag in his other hand and straightened his back, raising the long item that Lovino now realised was a tube of some sort. 

“It's a white screen! I realised it would be pretty dumb if everyone just had to look at Lars on my laptop, so I got this and a projector. I'll hook them up in the living room, and it's going to be just like he were here!”

“Do you know how to do that?” It _was_ a good idea, Lovino had to admit. It hadn't even crossed his mind as he wasn't very technologically savvy and tried to avoid using computers as much as he could. They had one in the guest room, but it was an old piece of junk with a slow connection, so he had been more than happy to let Gilbert take care of everything .

“Of course I do! I could do this eyes closed!”

Lovino raised his brows sceptically and followed Gilbert into the living room. He threw himself on the couch, crossed his arms and watched how the other began to unpack all the equipment he had dragged along. He was ready to laugh if Gilbert messed up, but surprisingly enough, it soon turned out that he hadn't been exaggerating this time. 

Gilbert worked fast and needed no instructions, knowing right away how to plug the projector into the laptop and how to set up the white screen and two speakers. It was like he had done it countless times before, and within ten minutes, he was online and had Skype open and ready for Lars to call them.

“There! Awesome, huh?”

“Where did you learn to do that?”

Gilbert crossed his hands and stretched his arms before him with a satisfied smirk on his face. “I've picked up a lot of useful skills over time. I've got plenty more!”

“I think it's cool!” Feliciano said and shoved his fingers into the projector's light to create shadows on the white screen.

“I guess even idiots can have good ideas some time,” Lovino admitted grudgingly.

There was a cough from the entrance to the kitchen. When he turned to look, he saw Francis leaning against the door frame with his hands on his hips.

“I'm sorry if you wanted to burn that pizza, but I took the liberty of taking it out of the oven.”

“What?”

“The pizza. The one that you thought would be ruined if I was anywhere near your stove.”

Lovino let out a string of curses and dashed past Francis into the kitchen, wanting to kick himself for having got so distracted that he had forgotten the food. He had almost let the pizza burn for... what? Watching Gilbert play with wires? 

But thankfully the pizza was fine. Francis had taken it out of the oven at the exact right moment, so it had a lovely, crispy crust but wasn't too dark. Lovino couldn't decide whether he was grateful or irritated – and if the latter, what it was that was pissing him off – so he he drew a deep breath and marched to push his head out the window to calm down.

“I'm going to pour the chocolate on the gelato before it freezes,” Francis announced as he came back into the kitchen.

“Be my guest.” Lovino didn't turn to look at him and preferred to keep an eye on the street below. Heracles had said he'd be coming around this time. It was too bad Antonio couldn't make it to the party since it was high time to introduce his boyfriend and best friend to each other. At least Belle would get to meet him.

A few minutes later, he spotted a familiar figure approaching and leaned further outside to get a better look. It was hard to see more than his frame in the dim light of the evening, but it was enough to send a warm flutter of affection down to his stomach. Lovino grasped at the iron railing and told himself to stop acting like he was fucking fifteen and that everybody would laugh if they knew he was this sappy.

He wiped the smile off his face and left the window to go and welcome Heracles at the door. Earlier, he had made up his mind that he wouldn't kiss him or do anything stupid like that because only love-struck idiots couldn't keep their hands off each other every time they met. He had told Heracles as much, and he had promised to follow the rules, even if he had looked a little let down by it.

“You made it just before the girls get here,” he said.

“Then I'm perfectly on time.”

Despite their agreement, Lovino couldn't help feeling a little disappointed when Heracles only smiled at him and didn't reach out for him. God, he was being ridiculous again. This was what he had wanted. And this was normal, right? He could grope Heracles all he wanted when they were alone, but Feliciano, Francis and Gilbert were here, so it was okay to hold back, wasn't it?

“I guess I have no choice but to introduce you to that French idiot over there. Enjoy your last moments of not knowing him,” he said as he led Heracles into the living room where the others were gathered around Gilbert's laptop and were watching a video.

Nobody looked up when they entered, and it didn't take long for Lovino to figure out why.

“Hey, are you showing porn to my little brother?”

Gilbert was the only one to turn his eyes from the screen. “We just want to test if the white screen works! We have to know how clear the picture is.”

“You don't need a goddamn porn video to – ” Lovino started, but that was when Gilbert moved to fiddle with the projector, and after one press of a button, the whole spectacle suddenly appeared on the white screen, considerably larger so that nobody could avoid looking at it anymore.

“Turn it off!”

“Don't be like that, Lovino. I know about this stuff, even if I haven't tried it like this before,” Feliciano said.

Lovino pushed the others away from the laptop and turned off the video just as the busty female protagonist was about to do only God knew what with the two men who were with her. He felt disgusted when he was done, like just touching the laptop had made him dirty. And hell, maybe it had, he thought as he realised that Gilbert could have videos like this for only one purpose and that there was no telling what was on the keys. He'd have to wash his hands before dinner.

“Belle will run out the door if she comes in here and sees this shit,” he grumbled as he retreated from the laptop and threw himself on the couch.

“I'm sure she's sensible enough not to take it the wrong way,” Francis said. 

“It was porn!”

“Women watch porn, too. And all things considered, that wasn't so bad.”

Heracles let out a sound of agreement and sat down next to Lovino. “I've seen that one. The two men do many interesting things to each other after they're done with the woman and let her watch.”

Gilbert began fiddling with the projector again and adjusted its position. “Really? I wouldn't know. I always stop before that point because I only care about the part with the chick.”

“Can we not talk about this at Belle's party?” Lovino asked, glaring at Francis and Gilbert. “And don't drag Feli and Heracles into this. You're welcome to leave and have a porn marathon if you think that's more interesting.”

Sadly – or maybe fortunately since it saved Lovino from having to imagine Francis and Gilbert watching porn together – they heard the door open and then two female voices.

“Aren't we going to be late to the movie? I could have paid your ticket.”

“Don't worry! I'll just go and grab my wallet real quick. I think I left it in the bathroom, but can you check the living room for me, just in case?”

It was at that point that everyone jumped to their feet, except for Gilbert who was in a hurry to close his porn folder from being proudly displayed on the white screen. He got it out of sight just as Belle stepped inside.

Lovino had thought from the start that yelling “Surprise!” when Belle entered was ridiculous, but everyone else had overruled him. He didn't want to be a spoilsport, so he swallowed his distaste and joined the chorus, feeling like his life had become a corny movie. But the smile that soon replaced the shock and confusion on Belle's face more than made up for it.

Belle's eyes darted from one person to another before she whirled around to look at Michela who had appeared behind her. “What's going on?”

“It's a surprise party!” Feliciano explained.

“What? Why?”

“Ask Lovino! It was his idea!”

“It's for you,” Lovino said, and somehow he managed to keep the words from sounding like an embarrassing croak.

“Huh, but it's not my birthday or anything.”

Lovino shoved his hands into his pockets in an attempt to appear non-chalant. “So? We can have a party for you whenever we feel like it. It's not like there's some law against it.”

“Is this because of the things I told you earlier?” Belle asked, and Lovino braced himself for the possibility that she'd think he was a jerk for shoving his nose into her matters. What if she got upset that he had told to everyone she was feeling down?

“Y-yeah,” he admitted. “I'm sorry if you –”

“I love it! You're the best!”

Belle nearly knocked him over as she threw her arms around him and gave him a peck on the cheek. In the past, such closeness with her would have turned him into a blabbering mess and overheated his brain, but now he got off with a blush and even managed a smile at her.

“Don't be silly. We're just being decent friends,” he muttered.

Belle took a step back and let her eyes roam the room. “But what is all this? Are we going to watch a movie?”

“Something better!” Gilbert announced and returned to his laptop. “When you see what it is, I want a hug too, okay?”

Lovino made a face at him. “You keep your hands off her!”

“Oh, I don't mind him. And I know how to take care of myself,” Belle said.

“No, I think Lovino is probably more worried for Gilbert's safety. Lars would do something really, really painful to him if he saw him hugging you,” Feliciano said.

Belle chuckled, even if her smile was a little weak. “Then it's good he's not here to see, right?”

“We've got the next best thing. The slacker is finally online,” Gilbert said. He pulled up a window, and the white screen suddenly came to life with an image of Lars in his living room.

Belle let out a screech and shoved Gilbert away from the laptop to get to the microphone. She erupted in a string of French that meant very little to Lovino, other than that she was the only person who could make the language tolerable in his ears. He knew she and her brother had grown up speaking both French and Dutch since their parents came from different parts of the country and had wanted them to learn both but that French was the language Belle spoke when she was emotional. It made her think of her father.

Even though he didn't understand what was being said, it made him happy to hear the usual, light tone of Belle's voice as she spoke to her brother, near tears. Lars was much more stoic, but he had taken his pipe out of his mouth so that he could talk better, so Lovino was pretty sure he was glad to see her, too.

“Would you be that happy to see me if I lived in a different country?” Feliciano asked and poked him on the arm.

“Yeah, because it would be paradise to know that you're that far away and can't hog the bathroom every morning.”

“I'd be really happy to see you, too! I don't really want to move away, but maybe if I was going to get married and my wife didn't want to live in Italy.”

Lovino was about to snap that no sane woman would ever marry him, but Michela was right there, and he didn't want her to take it the wrong way. He also didn't want to think about the possibility that she might take Feliciano back to Seychelles with her, regardless of what he had just told his brother.

“I'm going to make sure the food is okay,” he announced, careful to give Heracles' hand a small, hidden squeeze before he got up. “I'll be right back.”

To his surprise, there was already someone else in the kitchen. Gilbert was hovering over the food in a way that Lovino didn't like, so he hurried to save their dinner.

“We aren't eating yet,” he said and pushed Gilbert's hand away before he could cut a slice out of the pizza.

“Hey, I'm hungry! I just want to take something to go.”

“To go? What do you mean?”

“Now that I got Lars connected, I've got other stuff to do tonight.”

“You're leaving? The hell? What about Belle?” 

Gilbert shrugged and grabbed a few of the snacks on the tray before Lovino could stop him and shoved them into his pockets. “I'm working on another surprise.”

“What surprise?”

“It wouldn't be one if I told you, would it?”

“When are you coming back?”

“Not at all, sorry. I know it sucks, but you're just going to have to make something out of this party without me.”

“The point was that Belle would have a great time with her friends! For reasons I can't begin to understand, she considers you one, so you shouldn't leave!” Lovino couldn't quite put his finger on why this made him so mad. It was almost like a betrayal. For a while, he had been starting to think that maybe Gilbert was a decent guy after all, but now he was deserting them and wouldn't even say why.

“You'll thank me later. I wish I could be here when you all realise how awesome I am,” Gilbert said and stepped past Lovino to get to the door.

“Fuck you. We shouldn't have invited you in the first place.”

Lovino followed Gilbert to the living room where the others had switched to a strange mish-mash of mostly English with some Italian and French thrown in. Belle's smile was almost the prettiest thing he had ever seen, second only to the excited glow on Heracles' face as he and Lars discussed something that they both clearly loved.

“Hey, Lovino!” Belle jumped to her feet from the couch and hurried to him. “Thank you so much! This is great!”

“I didn't do it alone.”

“I know, but it was your idea. You're all so busy, and you still did something like this for me and even got Lars here, sort of.” Belle stopped and began to look around the room. “Where did Gilbert go?”

“He said he had to be somewhere.” As much as he wanted to let out his frustration, Lovino knew it would be a dick move to tell Belle that Gilbert had something better to do than stay with her. She was so happy, and he didn't want to ruin it. He'd complain about the shitheat to Heracles when they were alone.

“Oh, that's too bad. My laptop is so slow that it can't deal with a web camera without crashing, so even though I call Lars pretty often, I haven't actually seen him since the wedding. I really wanted to thank Gilbert.”

“We don't need him. Have you already talked to Heracles?”

Feliciano had introduced him to Belle and Lars, but Lovino decided to do it again because he was sure his brother had botched it. He swallowed the increased self-awareness he always felt when he had to speak English and told Lars that he could forget whatever Feliciano had said. Once he was sure that no embarrassing misunderstandings remained, he let Francis have a word with Lars and turned his attention back to Belle.

“This is Heracles,” he said and gestured vaguely to his direction.

“I know. Your boyfriend. I already talked to him.”

“Yeah, but... What did you even talk about?”

“Oh, we just said hello. He seems nice. He sort of reminds me of Antonio when I first met him.”

Lovino raised his brows in surprise. “What? Really? Why?”

“I don't know. It's just... when you introduced me to Antonio, my first thought was that he's the kind of guy who doesn't stress about anything. Heracles feels the same.” The corner of Belle's mouth turned up in a mischievous smirk. “I guess that makes him a good match for you since you always worry about everything so much.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Lovino said, hoping that Belle thought his lack of enthusiasm was because he was embarrassed. He hadn't even realised that Heracles and Antonio might be similar in some way. Sure, they had to have something in common since he had fallen for both of them, but Belle's observation made him a little nervous. If it was that obvious, maybe was only using Heracles as a replacement for Antonio? He had fallen in love with him so soon after the wedding. Had it been just a defence mechanism since he couldn't have either Antonio or Belle?

No, that couldn't be. His feelings for him were real. He just had a type.

To prove his thoughts to himself, Lovino sat closer to Heracles on the couch than he would have otherwise in a room full of people and leaned against his shoulder. The other sent a questioning glance his way.

“I changed my mind,” Lovino muttered.

“Why?” Then, Heracles continued in a lower voice. “Is it because he left?”

It took Lovino a moment to realise Heracles was talking about Gilbert. He wasn't sure what to say. His reluctance to be affectionate in public was partly because he didn't like the reactions he sometimes got, but that didn't change even if he was together with a woman. He just didn't like displaying such vulnerable emotions before everyone. 

Gilbert was a little weird about guys liking other guys, but he didn't make Lovino uncomfortable, just irritated.

“This is my home. Like hell I'd let some ass stop me from cuddling with my boyfriend here. I just changed my mind.”

Heracles looked like he didn't understand, but he dropped the matter. Lovino hoped he'd confront him about it later when they were alone because he felt this was something they should talk about, but he knew he wouldn't do it without prodding.

For a while, the room was full of happy chatter as everybody talked about the photos on the wall and told stories about how they had ended up in Italy. Francis was pleasant company when the topic wasn't lewd, and he and Heracles talked like old friends as they discussed Bordeaux. It was where Francis was originally from, and he was delighted to hear Heracles wanted to visit it one day.

Lovino was going to suggest that they'd eat next, but there was a knock on the door that interrupted him.

“I'll get it! Maybe Gilbert's coming back!” Feliciano said.

Lovino doubted it, but at the same time it was the only option that made sense. It couldn't be his grandfather or Giorgio because they had keys, so it was either Gilbert or some random stranger who had decided to visit.

Feliciano's surprised shriek from the hall revealed that it was neither. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the entrance, just in time to see Feliciano shove Antonio into the room.

“Guys, look! It's Antonio!”

“Hi,” Antonio said and raised a hand in greeting.

“What the hell? Aren't you supposed to be at work?”

Antonio came to sit on the couch and scooped Belle into his arms. “Yeah, but then Gilbert showed up and said you're having an emergency at the party and that I should come and help. He's taking care of my shift tonight.”

“What? Is that even legal?”

“I guess not. But it's Gilbert, and I trust him, so it should be okay, right?”

“Don't come crying to me when your ass gets fired,” Lovino grumbled. It was great that Antonio was here. Belle would be even happier, and he could introduce Heracles to him, after which everyone in his immediate social circled knew his boyfriend. But if Antonio lost his job because of this, he'd skin Gilbert alive for taking advantage of his simple-mindedness. One couldn't just walk away from work!

At the same time, he hadn't been expecting a nice gesture like this from Gilbert. It was irritating that he had done it without telling about it to anyone first, but Lovino could appreciate the idea behind the gesture. Making Antonio able to come to the party was the best present anyone could give, and he felt a little sorry for the way he had treated Gilbert before he had left. 

But it was entirely Gilbert's own fault for making it look like he was ditching them, so maybe he'd skin him alive after all. Just to teach him not to mess with him like that again.

“Nobody ever needs to know. It's just one night shift.”

Lovino resisted the urge to roll his eyes and decided the issue wasn't worth arguing over. What was done was done, so all they could do was have a great time and hope that there wouldn't be surprise inspection at the warehouse.

“Anyway,” Antonio said brightly and pointed at Heracles. “Since he's the only one here I don't know, I guess he's your new boyfriend?”

Heracles extended a hand over Lovino's body, and Antonio was quick to grab it.

“Great! I've been waiting to see you for so long! I really don't know why Lovino was hiding you from me all this time.”

“That's because you're always at work!” But Lovino couldn't bring himself to feel annoyed. He realised that when Antonio had come inside, he hadn't experienced that flutter that had made his stomach almost turn inside-out when he had spotted Heracles from the balcony. It made him feel secure in himself, and the relief was almost too much to bear.

“I think he was just embarrassed. I didn't get to meet him until after a while, either,” Feliciano said.

“Well, never mind! The important thing is that you're here now! Do you like football?”

“Watching, yes, but playing it is too bothersome,” Heracles said.

“I like both. When I and Belle have a kid, I'm going to teach her how to play, and she's going to be in the national team.”

Belle shook her head at him. “We might never had kids, and even if we do, they could all be boys.”

“No, I'm sure we're going to have a girl.”

“Twins sound like a good compromise,” Heracles said.

“Only if you and Lovino promise to babysit them every other weekend. My aunt had twins, and she said it was an insane amount of work,” Belle said.

“Sure.” Lovino knew he'd probably babysit them every other _day_ if she asked and smuggle them candy and nice things when nobody was looking. 

“You can't seriously want children already. You're too young to sign your life away,” Francis said with a long-suffering sigh. “I wouldn't want to become a father until I'm at least in my forties and have already experienced all the nice things life has to offer.”

“I'm the opposite! I want kids young so that I'll get to spend a lot of time with my grandkids and great-grandkids!” Feliciano announced. “What about you, Lovino?”

“Haven't thought about it.” He liked children, sure, but he couldn't really go saying that he wanted them, could he? It would imply that he wasn't planning to stay together with Heracles or that he wouldn't be happy with him. And he didn't even know what Heracles thought of them. Maybe he saw them as irritating drool and poop machines who'd just tear his books and newspapers into shreds.

As if reading his thoughts, Heracles moved his hands so that he was holding Lovino's stomach and said, “I wouldn't mind children. If you want any, feel free to find a woman who's willing to bear them for us.”

“What? T-that's ridiculous! We can't just use someone like that, like she's a damn breeding mare!”

“Lovino, he said someone who's willing,” Antonio pointed out.

“Who'd be willing to get pregnant on purpose and then hand the baby away like that? That's insanity.”

“A lot of people do it. You know, for relatives and friends who can't have children together,” Michela said.

“Yeah, but... Let's talk about something normal! This is stupid!”

Lovino crossed his arms on his chest and glowered at the others as they began to laugh. Yeah, right, real funny. Heracles wasn't into women, so if they ever followed up on his idiotic plan, it would be Lovino who'd have to sleep with someone else or go to the doctor and – ugh, that would be so embarrassing. Even if every party gave consent, he felt he'd burn in hell for even thinking about it.

“The pizza is probably cold as fuck already,” he said and tried to change the subject. “We should have eaten when it was out of the oven, dammit.”

“Let's just heat it again. It'll be just as good. I can do it,” Feliciano volunteered, and together with Michela, he left to take charge in the kitchen.

After a while, Lars had to leave because he had to drive a long way to work in the morning. The others decided to turn the TV on as they ate, and they spent a good while arguing over how to get the show to appear on the white screen. But even when they called Gilbert for tech support, they couldn't get it to work, so they ended up lying wherever it was comfortable and talking instead.

Lovino listened to the others without contributing much. He was glad to notice how easily Heracles and Antonio hit it off and how they could spend so much time talking about mundane things. With Francis joining in, they soon had a debate on which area in the world produced the best wine and decided to settle it by visiting all of them one day.

“You should reserve a lot of time for travelling,” Heracles said once the others figured out that he had visited plenty of foreign countries. “It always makes me tired, so there's no point in going through all that trouble if you're only going to stay a little while. And you need time if you want to know the place and the people.”

“Sounds like it would be easier to stay home,” Lovino remarked.

“If you stay long enough, any place will start to feel like home.”

“Depends on the people around you!” Belle said. “Rome is pretty, but I wouldn't want to stay if you guys weren't here. With the right person, I'm sure we'd all be happy anywhere.”

Lovino supposed she was right, but he didn't need to add anything to the conversation. He had no reason to think of far-away countries. Everything he wanted was right there in Rome, and he hoped it wouldn't ever change.


	14. Chapter 14

Lovino didn't want to wake up the next morning, but he and Feliciano had the first shift at the shop. The two of them weren't early risers even in the best of circumstances, and the previous evening's party had left Lovino exhausted. It was only due to his mouth feeling like sandpaper that he was able to drag himself out of bed, still half asleep and nearly breaking his neck twice on his way downstairs because he wasn't looking where he was going.

Goddamn, he needed coffee. If Heracles hadn't decided to go home the previous evening, Lovino would have gladly promised to top him every night for a month just for one cup delivered straight to bed.

There was no coffee ready when he made it to the kitchen, which meant that he was the first one up. As he was filling the pan with water, he hoped the scent would flow upstairs and get Feliciano out of bed because he wasn't feeling up to strolling to his brother's room and forcing him.

Some moments later, the coffee was ready, and Lovino felt marginally better. It was as if the first gulp was spreading from his throat and stomach to every cell in his body and finally oiling every gear to make him operational.

However, even coffee couldn't do magic, so the only thing that left his mouth when the banging on the front door started was a tired “Ngghhh.”

The banging wasn't stopping, so he had no choice but to go and see what it was all about.

“Hey! Isn't anyone up? Open the door!”

Lovino stopped, the familiar sound helping him to wake up. It was Gilbert. Unable to imagine what he wanted at five in the morning but desperate to have him shut up, he opened the door, letting Gilbert dash past him into the apartment.

“What the hell? What do you want?”

“Sorry, can't talk! I have to hurry!”

Lovino followed Gilbert into the living room and watched him as he started a frantic battle to roll the white screen back into its tube and to pull out all the cables connected to the projector. Gilbert was wearing his suit, but the tie was crooked, his shirt not tucked into his pants, and a few strands of hair had escaped when he had tried to slice it all back. Having to look at such a sight so early made him want to grab some aspirin.

“Why the rush?” he asked when Gilbert had picked up the screen and the projector.

“These need to be back at the hotel before my shift starts or I won't have time to return them before someone needs them!”

“Your what?”

Gilbert chuckled at his confused expression. “Must have been some party if your brain is that messed up. Hello? I'm a driver. I've got to be at the airport to pick up some important guests in less than an hour!”

“Are you kidding me? Didn't you just stay up the whole night doing Antonio's work? Are you seriously going to do yours now?”

“Yeah, I don't want to get fired.”

“Have you slept at all?”

“Haha, I'm a fighter! I don't need any sleep! But thanks for being worried.”

“Tch! I'm not worried about you! I'm worried about the innocent people who are going die a painful death when a sleep-deprived German falls asleep at the wheel and drives over them!”

“No! That won't happen! I'm the best driver in Rome!”

“That's what everyone says,” Lovino remarked. He gave Gilbert a critical eye and shook his head. “And are you really going to work looking like that?”

“Yeah, I'm a bit scruffy, but I'll get it fixed. I'm always precise when I'm in uniform!”

“Yeah, right. Take that crap to the car. I'll be there before you've had the time to leave.”

Lovino ran upstairs before Gilbert could argue. He wasn't really sure what he was doing, but he didn't trust Gilbert to get himself trimmed in time. He probably didn't even have any hair gel with him, so making that ugly mop on top of his head presentable would be a battle lost before the first shot had been fired.

He picked up a tube of gel – not his most expensive one – and hurried back downstairs and then outside, just in time to see Gilbert load the white screen and the projector on the backseat of the nice, black car he drove for work.

“Here,” he said and squeezed some of the gel on his palm. “Now be still, dammit!” He reached out to slice back Gilbert's hair until all the loose strands were under control and his hair no longer looked half-assed.

He hadn't expected Gilbert's hair to feel like silk, but he was still a little surprised by how rough it was, like he had shoved his hands into a haystack. It left his skin tingling as he withdrew his hands to review his work.

“I guess that'll do,” he said. “But you had better fix your damn attire, too.”

“I could have done that myself!” Gilbert insisted as he bent over to take a look at his reflection in the car's wing mirror.

“Not as well.”

“Sure I could have!”

“Bullshit. And you still haven't straightened that tie or tucked your shirt in. Do I have to do that for you, too?”

Gilbert straightened his back with a startled jump and began to fix his clothes in a hurry, like he was afraid that Lovino would follow through on his threat. Lovino shook his head. Like he'd ever voluntarily shove his hands down Gilbert's pants.

“Am I now good enough for you?” Gilbert asked when he was done.

“No, but I guess people can manage to look at you without wanting to vomit now.”

“You sure are prickly this early. No coffee yet?”

“Not enough because you interrupted me, and now my cup is cold.” Lovino was about to continue his complaining, but Gilbert got into the car and gave him a small wave.

“Can't stay and chat or I'll be super late. Bye!” Then he pulled the door shut, and before Lovino could knock on the window to get his attention back, he had already turned the car around, nearly bumping into the ones that were parked by the side of the road. Lovino hoped that wasn't an indication of how his day would go.

He realised that he hadn't even thanked Gilbert for filling in for Antonio all through the night. He had just forgotten all about it the moment the other had opened his annoying mouth. Bickering with him was too damn distracting, he mused as he returned inside the house. He'd have to figure out some way to say he appreciated what Gilbert had done without actually saying it.

And a good opportunity presented itself as soon as he stepped into the living room. Gilbert had been in such a hurry to return the white screen and the projector to the hotel that he had entirely forgotten about his laptop. It was sitting on the couch where Gilbert had left it after unplugging all the other equipment.

“Idiot,” Lovino muttered as he went to pick it up. Since he didn't want to invite Gilbert over, the only choice he had now was to ask Antonio for his address and take it to him in the afternoon when his shift ended. And while he was at it, he might just as well take him some of the leftover food from the party so that he wouldn't burn down his neighbourhood if he tried to cook and fell asleep.

Footsteps from the stairs drew his attention, and he turned to look just in time to see Feliciano come down. His hair was a mess from sleep, and he was buck-naked as always.

“What was all that noise?” he asked.

“Gilbert was here. You're lucky he just left or you'd have given him a good show of your junk.”

Feliciano covered his mouth and yawned. “I wouldn't mind. I'm not that shy. And what about you? You sleep naked, too!”

“I put something on when I get out of my room!”

“Not always! Anyway, what did he want?”

“He had to take the stuff back to the hotel. He forgot this.” Lovino showed his brother the laptop. “I guess I'll take it back to him after work or something.”

“That's nice. In the meantime, do you want to look at his porn folder?”

Lovino clutched the laptop defensively against his chest. “No! We saw enough of that shit yesterday! I don't need more of his jerking off material!”

“I guess it would be a little rude,” Feliciano admitted, crossing his hands behind his head. “Especially since there were so many folders he refused to open even though I asked. He's probably embarrassed by some of the stuff he has.”

“I don't want to know,” Lovino said. “And we're never getting everything done at the shop if we don't get going and stop talking about Gilbert's porn!”

That day, they had more customers than usual because some travel agency had decided to bring several large groups of tourists to the area, and they all wanted to try genuine Italian gelato. They ran out of stracciatella and chocolate and had to cut their lunch break short, but the perks more than made up for it. The girls from the groups were pretty and smiled a lot, and most of them weren't accompanied by boyfriends.

Even in the middle of the bustle, Lovino had time to exchange a few messages with Heracles and ask Antonio for Gilbert's address. He didn't live that far away from Antonio, so it wasn't difficult for Lovino to find the right street later in the afternoon when his grandfather and Giorgio had arrived to take over at the shop.

Gilbert lived in a block of flats that was of the type Lovino hated. It wasn't old enough to have character, but it was nevertheless old enough to be dirty and marred with time. The walls were an ugly grey shade, the windows rectangles with no decorations, and no apartment had a balcony. It was pretty fitting that Gilbert lived there, he guessed, since the building reminded him of the abominations he had seen in photos of east Berlin.

He climbed up to the fourth floor and spent a moment searching until he found the right apartment. Knocking on the door brought him no results, which he thought was a bit funny since it was already almost four, and he was sure Gilbert was supposed to be back from work.

“He had better be home,” he muttered and grabbed his phone to call him. Maybe he was just busy or listening to music.

However, before he had the time to select his number, someone else came up the stairs to his floor. It was an old lady who stopped at the door to the right form Gilbert's apartment and began to look for her keys in her purse.

“Are you visiting that German man?” she asked.

“I'm just here to bring him back his laptop, but I don't think he's home.”

“Oh, he must be. I just saw him go inside fifteen minutes ago when I was leaving for the post office.”

“Well, he's not opening.”

The woman came over and pointed at a strange crack on the wall. “This piece is loose. He keeps his spare key there because he sometimes comes back really late at night and is so drunk that he dropped his keys somewhere. Just let yourself in.”

“Isn't it pretty dangerous to leave his keys out like that? Anyone could go in!”

“Only I know about it. And now you. I'll ask him to find another spot if he doesn't trust you.”

Shaking his head but thanking the lady, Lovino took out the loose part of the wall and found the key in the hole behind it. He unlocked the door and stepped inside, both curious and nervous about what was in store for him.

The first thing he discovered was the explanation for why Gilbert hadn't come to greet him. The sound of snoring reached him even at the door, and it was easy to follow it to the space that doubled as a kitchen and a living room. 

Lovino put the laptop and the leftovers down on the kitchen counter and approached the couch. All he could see of Gilbert from that angle was one leg draped over the armrest. When he was close enough to take a look, he found the other fast asleep in what couldn't be a comfortable position, wearing a T-shirt and boxers. He guessed Gilbert had fallen asleep as soon as he had come from work.

Or not quite, he realised a moment later. Gilbert's suit was neatly folded on the backrest, and his shoes were right beneath, placed precisely by each other. 

Now that he took a better look around, the apartment wasn't the filthy pigsty he had been expecting. There were no dirty dishes in the sink, no trash lying around, no clothes thrown all over the place, and no magazines on the floor. Everything was far neater than Lovino could ever remember his home being, even back when his grandmother had been alive.

“Tch, Germans,” he muttered.

He wondered what he should do now. It wasn't fair to wake Gilbert up after he hadn't had any sleep since God knew when, but he didn't feel comfortable just sneaking into his apartment and then leaving, like some damn thief.

At the very least the should put the leftovers into the fridge. And he couldn't help but feel a little curious about what Gilbert had in there. How people stocked their kitchen said so much about them.

Well, he thought a moment later, staring at the content's of Gilbert's fridge. He was good at cleaning but hopelessly flawed in other aspects. There were a few bottles of beer, a milk carton, some cheese, two kinds of sausage and a disgusting amount of chocolate pudding, cookies and juice that probably had a lethal amount of sugar added to it. Apart from potatoes, there wasn't a single vegetable or fruit in sight.

Half of that should be thrown away, Lovino thought in disgust. The only thing he liked about the fridge were the photos that were stuck to the door with cute little animal magnets. They showed a number of people who he guessed were Gilbert's family.

He couldn't help snooping around a little more in the cupboards, and his suspicions were soon confirmed. Gilbert was the kind of guy who couldn't cook more than three or four dishes at best. He no doubt ate processed crap all day long.

He was so busy sorting the utensils – what the fuck, Gilbert had a popcorn machine but no decent frying pan? – that he didn't notice anything off until a shadow was suddenly thrown on him. He turned around, just in time to duck and avoid being hit on the head with a broom.

“Hey! What the hell?” he asked, certain that his heart had stopped beating and was stuck in his throat.

Gilbert appeared equally startled, but at least he lowered the broom once he realised it was him. “Huh? Lovino? What are you doing here?”

“Not wanting to be hit with a broom for one thing!”

“But this is my place! I heard you rummaging in my kitchen and thought you were a burglar!”

“And whose fault is that? Only an idiot leaves the key outside where anyone can take it!”

“My hiding place is really good! How did you find it?”

“Your neighbour told me.”

Gilbert considered these words for a while. “Well, that's okay, I guess. I mean, she's a good judge of character, so she must have known right away that you could be trusted. Unless you're here to steal my popcorn machine.”

“This piece of shit? I would be doing you a favour if I stole it and threw it away.”

“You'd have to kill me first to get that from me. But why are you here anyway?”

Lovino tilted his head towards the counter. “You forgot your laptop. There's some leftover pizza in the fridge, too.”

“Really?” Gilbert walked past him to take a look. “Awesome! I was just thinking that I'm too tired to cook anything today.”

Lovino bit back a remark about food poisonings, figuring that this was his chance to let the other know that he appreciated what he had done the previous day. He'd probably have to actually say it, though, because Gilbert was so dumb that he wouldn't get it otherwise.

“It's because of yesterday,” he said.

“Hmm?” Gilbert had already stuffed his mouth full of pizza and couldn't manage a more intelligent response. Not that Lovino was expecting much more from him anyway.

“I mean how you filled in for Antonio. That was really damn nice, especially since you had to stay up all night and then do your own job afterwards. But why are you so stupid that you didn't tell anyone in advance and made me treat you like shit when you were leaving? Ass!”

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” Gilbert said after having swallowed his mouthful.

“What's the point when you weren't there to see everyone's reaction?”

“I get to see your reaction right now, and I like it. Thanks for the food. You want something to drink?”

“There's nothing consumable in your fridge other than the milk.”

“Suit yourself,” Gilbert said and grabbed the juice carton. He drank straight from it instead of using a glass, which cemented Lovino's decision not to have any of it. “But thanks! I would have gone crazy without my laptop. I've got to go on a raid with some friends.”

“What?”

“In a game.”

“Why am I not surprised you waste your time like that? And anyway, take better care of that thing if it's so important to you. Leave it lying around and people can look all over your files.”

“It's password-protected.”

Lovino snorted. “I bet your password is easy to guess. Even Feli could have probably cracked it if I had let him. He wanted to browse through your porn, so thanks for corrupting him yesterday!” 

“What?”

“He wanted to –”

“But he didn't right? You sure?”

“Why would that matter? You were all too eager to show him some of it yesterday. Or do you have something there that you don't want anyone to see? Maybe –” Lovino cut himself off just as he was about to ask if Gilbert had bestiality porn hidden on his hard drive. The look on the other's face wasn't embarrassed, like he had expected. Gilbert looked scared, and suddenly Lovino didn't feel like teasing him anymore.

“Damn. I told you he didn't do it. The laptop's been with me the whole day. Nobody else has as much as touched it,” he said. “Why are you getting that upset anyway? Do you have something illegal in there?”

“No, nothing like that. Except some pirated music and stuff, but everyone does that.”

“Then what?”

Gilbert took a huge gulp of his juice, which Lovino was sure was a strategy to win some time.

“Baby photos. I was the most adorable baby ever, so my parents took hundreds of them. I've got them all scanned, but I haven't yet sorted the embarrassing ones aside, so I can't let anyone look at them.”

“Right,” Lovino said with a roll of his eyes. He didn't believe that for a minute, but he couldn't say he was that interested in Gilbert's dirty secrets.

“How was the party after I left?”

“Drastically improved. But don't even think about pulling a stunt like that again. Next time you're staying right there with everybody else whether you like it or not!”

The way Gilbert grinned at these words made him look like the happiest person in the world. Lovino didn't understand how something as self-evident as the fact that friends hung out together could improve his mood like that. But maybe he wasn't one to judge.

“Is that your family?” he asked and pointed at the photos he had noticed earlier.

“Yeah! Look, this is Ludi!”

“You two don't look anything like brothers.” Ludwig was taller than Gilbert, more heavily built and their expressions in the picture in which they were standing side by side couldn't have been any different. Gilbert was grinning at the camera and has his arm thrown around his brother's shoulders while Ludwig didn't have the faintest hint of a smile on his face and stood straight as an arrow.

“I can't help if I got all the good looks our parents' genes had to offer. Oh, and look at this! This is Ludi's girlfriend. Her name's Kateryna, but everyone calls her Katyusha or Kati, except Ludi because he doesn't like nicknames.”

Before Lovino could get a word in, Gilbert was introducing his whole family to him. Next came his parents, both of whom looked frightening and stern, just like Ludwig. He would have never admitted it out loud, but Gilbert had indeed been lucky to get the best and apparently recessive genes in the family. Then it was time for three of his cousins, Roderich, Vash and Elise – according to Gilbert, the first one was a prick, the second a decent guy and the third adorable.

“Why do you have Roderich's picture here if you don't like him?”

Gilbert shrugged. “Eh, I don't know. I didn't at first, but after a while I figured that I kind of miss bugging him and put him here. Every time I take something out of the fridge, I see him and get a new idea for pissing him off.”

“And who's this? Another cousin?” Lovino asked and pointed at a photo that was right next to Roderich's. It showed Gilbert and a young woman with brown hair, both of them holding large beer steins and making a silly face at the camera.

“No, that's Erzsébet.”

“Your ex-girlfriend?”

Gilbert laughed. “Nah! She's more like my second brother. She used to be pretty cool, but then she probably hit her head or something because she got married to Roderich. But I figure it's working out since they haven't got a divorce yet, but don't ask me how they're doing it because I don't get it.”

There were a few more photos, some showing more distant relatives or old school friends, but Gilbert didn't have as much to tell him about them. While he never outright said it, the distant look in his eyes and the way always turned the topic back to the photos, especially those of Ludwig, made it obvious he missed his family.

“Why are you here?” Lovino asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Here in Italy. Can't you be a driver in Germany? What's the point of coming here when you could have all the same things plus your family there?”

Gilbert made a movement with his hands that looked like he wanted to shove them into his pockets, but the boxers he was wearing had none. “I just wanted a change of scenery. I'm not going to stay here forever, but I figured I should see the world when I have the chance. It's not like I can just move to another country when I've got a hot wife, three perfect children and a dog.”

Lovino supposed that was sound reasoning, even if he would have never done the same. He couldn't imagine ever being happy anywhere else but home.

“But why Italy?” he asked.

“It just felt like a good choice. We used to spend the summers in Porto Santo Stefano when I was a kid, so I still knew a bit of Italian when I got here. And the rest came back really fast! I must be natural at learning languages.”

Lovino couldn't help but think that someone whose family could afford to spend the whole summer in a foreign country could do better than work as a driver. Or maybe that was the whole point. Maybe Gilbert wanted to do something different here before going back to his fancy life in Germany.

“So, what's your real job? I refuse to believe your rich as shit family didn't send you to university or something.”

“We aren't that rich. But yeah, I've got a degree in information technology, but it hasn't really done me a lot of good. Driving is more fun! But what about you?”

“I didn't go anywhere after high school,” Lovino said. It was sort of a sore spot for him, even though he didn't even know what he would have liked to study and whether he could have even made it in university with his lazy attitude. It had been the right choice to start working at the gelato shop and not waste the family's meagre savings on a lost cause. Better leave the money for Feliciano when he'd go to art school later.

“At least you've got a business that's running pretty well.”

Lovino acknowledged that with a grunt. He had no reason to complain. All he had to do was look at people like Antonio who had such a hard time making ends meet.

Gilbert pressed the back of his hand against his mouth as a yawn stretched his jaws. Lovino decided to take it as his cue to leave. He had already stayed longer than he had planned.

“I guess I'll be off. I'm going to see a movie with Heracles tonight and I have to buy groceries first.”

“Have fun. I'll go back to sleep now that my stomach's full.”

“Go to bed this time. That couch looks more uncomfortable than a pile of potato sacks. And don't keep your stupid key outside anymore.”

“Hehe, why should I ever go back home when I've got you here as my surrogate mother?”

“Dumbass,” Lovino muttered and flipped him off on his way outside.


	15. Chapter 15

While a few glasses of wine helped loosen Lovino up and made him forget about the issues that usually stopped him from having fun, drunk sex was not something he had a particular fondness for. Alcohol made him happy, but it also clouded his judgement, so he sometimes ended up doing things that he regretted later.

But now he was with Heracles, not some random stranger he had met at a bar. Behind the warm, joyful haze in his head there was the firm knowledge that he wouldn't do anything he didn't want to him.

Heracles' parents had sent them a bottle of local wine, which they had opened at dinner. It had been better than either had expected, so they had ended up downing a few more glasses than usual. As a result, they had spent a stupidly long time laughing at each other as they fumbled with the zippers and buttons on their clothes and tried to find a comfortable position on the bed. All of it had been sloppy from the kisses and putting on the condom to Lovino's first attempts at entering the other, but thanks to the wine, he didn't care and indulged in the the body against his and the soft moans his every move was able to tear from it.

His thrusts were slow because he knew Heracles liked that, and occasionally when he was inside, he would stop and lean over him to plant a string of kisses on the other's stomach, grinning at the way Heracles strained his back and ground his hips against his to encourage him to continue. Lovino never needed much convincing as he didn't like teasing – _being_ teased was another matter entirely, though even good wine would never make him admit that – and at the moment all he wanted was to get more of those needy sounds out of his boyfriend.

He felt Heracles tense beneath him as he once again pushed inside and knew it wouldn't be much longer. The other's hands were grasping at the bedsheets, his head thrown back. Just the sight of him brought Lovino closer to his own release, and he tightened his grip on Heracles' thigh that he was grasping, not holding back is own groans.

Lovino reached for Heracles' length between them and ran his fingers down to the shaft, hoping to –

“Nggh.... Kiku... Kiku...”

Lovino was surprised but didn't stop his movements. That was an odd string of syllables to moan, but he gave it no second thought because his attention was taken almost entirely by what was happening below his waist. It was only moments later when he had collapsed on the bed by Heracles' side, sticky with sweat and tired but so very satisfied, that he began to wonder.

Just what the hell? It had sounded random, but maybe it meant something? He tried to force his exhausted brain to work and recall if there were any places or names it could apply to. He'd never heard it before, but that didn't mean there wasn't some corner of the world full of people called that.

“You like Cicero, right?” he asked.

Heracles moved his arms down to Lovino's stomach. “If you're trying to get me ready for another round, let's talk about Epicurus instead.”

Should he ask? Lovino suddenly felt self-conscious in Heracles' arms, which he rarely did after sex. Before it, sure, but not after.

There was little else on his mind as forced himself out of bed to go and throw the condom into the trash. When he got back, Heracles had moved so that there was just enough room for the both of them to lie side by side under the covers. He was looking at Lovino from under half-closed lids, a content smile on his face. If something wrong had just happened, he didn't seem to have noticed it.

Lovino didn't say anything as he climbed to bed and curled up against Heracles' side. If the other was making no big fuss, why should he? It was silly anyway. He was once again over-analysing things and getting worried about nothing.

But it wasn't that easy to let go of the thought. Lovino spent most of the night awake, alternating between being convinced that Heracles was cheating on him with this Kiku guy, and feeling like a total idiot. Kiku probably wasn't even a name and Heracles had just called out some gibberish because the sex was so good.

He would only know if he asked. But as much as a part of him yearned to know the answer, an equal part of him was frightened. Because what if it _was_ a name? What if it was someone Heracles knew? Why would he be calling out someone else's name when they were having sex?

On the other hand, it was just this one time. Normally it was always the right name. Probably just a slip of the tongue and nothing more. And even if Heracles had been thinking of someone else, did it really matter? Lovino's previous boyfriend had looked like Vincenzo Galdi, so he had indulged in a stupid fantasy one or twice. But... that was like thinking about a celebrity or a fictional character. That was okay. What if Kiku was someone normal, someone within reach?

He was plagued by indecision all night and got very little sleep. He climbed out of bed at six even though he didn't have to be anywhere until after noon and slipped into the kitchen to make coffee. God, he was being such an idiot and getting worked up over the smallest things. Everybody else would have shrugged it off already, or at the least waited until it happened again before getting worried.

There was the sound of bare feet against the floor tiles, but he didn't turn to look even when Heracles brushed against his arm as he walked past him and took a seat on the other side of the table.

“You look terrible. Did you drink too much?” he asked.

“I didn't get much sleep.”

“We could get back to bed.”

“Mmm.”

Heracles got up to get himself a cup of coffee, but after placing it on the table, he chose not to sit down. Instead, he walked behind Lovino and brought his fingers up to his hair to massage his head. Lovino couldn't help but lean into the touch; his scalp had always been sensitive and sometimes he thought getting a head rub was better than a handjob. 

After a while, he felt his muscles relax and the fogginess from his mind disappear. Nothing happened to his worries, though, but at least now he knew there was only one thing to do if he wanted to have any piece of mind.

“So, who's Kiku?”

Heracles' hands stopped at once, and Lovino felt his hopes plummet to his stomach.

“Why do you ask?”

“You called out his name last night, damn you.”

“Did I? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.”

“But who is he?”

Heracles' fingers started moving in his hair again. “You know I was in Japan last year, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I went there to collect some material for a book and because I wanted to see some of the country for myself. It's fascinating how people can live in such different cultures and have such different ways of thinking and how we're still the same everywhere. Shintoism in particular has always –”

“You were going to tell me about Kiku.” Lovino didn't know whether he wanted for Heracles to keep massaging him or not. If he had reason to be angry once this talk was over, it would be pretty hard if the other had worked him into such a relaxed state.

“Right. Sorry. Stop me if I get too carried away. I was visiting a museum in Kyoto, and as I was leaving, this man bumped into me. He was looking for something in his briefcase, so he didn't notice I was there.”

“That was this Kiku?”

“Mmh. I had been taking notes all day, so my papers flew all over the floor. He was very embarrassed when he helped me pick them up and couldn't stop apologizing. And then he realised I had missed my train because of the whole thing. I tried to tell him that it didn't matter and that the next one would be coming soon, but he wouldn't hear of it. I ended up letting him take me to my hotel in his car.”

“What, is he a billionaire or something?”

Heracles chuckled. “No, he works in a family business. He never told me what it was, so I can't guess how much he earns. Anyway, we started talking in the car, and he seemed like an interesting person, so I asked him to dinner.”

“You sure didn't waste any time,” Lovino grumbled.

“I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to get to know someone since I was going to stay there for a month. He tried to say no, but I kept insisting. I guess I wasn't being very culturally sensitive.”

Lovino acknowledged his words with a hum. He wouldn't have called Heracles insensitive in any way, but he had a habit of being honest and going straight to the point. It was one of the most irritating sides of him, but also what appealed to Lovino. His own emotions were such a mess sometimes that it felt safe to know that he could always count on Heracles saying things as they were.

“So, what happened?” he asked, though he could already guess where this story was going.

“We ended up having a nice conversation and began to spend more time together. Not much since he had to go to work, but we went out at night and whenever he had a day off. He was...” Heracles drifted off and let his hands wander down from Lovino's head to his shoulders. “To be honest, I was attracted to him right away. He was so many things, seemingly delicate and reserved, but he was very passionate once he let you close.”

“Sounds pretty damn perfect.”

Heracles leaned down to place a kiss by his ear. “You have a lot of the same qualities. Just in reverse, I suppose.”

Lovino decided he didn't want to dwell on that and just take it as a compliment.

“Did you two ever get together?” he asked.

“Yes. I wasn't expecting anything and would have been content with his friendship, but everything developed fast. I loved him, and by the time I only had half a week left in Japan, we were making plans on how to keep everything going despite the distance.”

“But then?”

“I got a message in which he called everything off. He said it was selfish of him to pursue something that would shame his family if it ever became public and that it was unforgivable how he had forgotten about his responsibilities. He wanted me to delete all of his contact information and forget we had ever met.”

That wasn't what Lovino had been expecting, so he craned his neck to look up at Heracles. The other had a faraway look on his face, and Lovino felt a little guilty about all the doubts from earlier.

“What did you do?” he asked.

Heracles shrugged. “I deleted everything. I didn't agree with his reasoning, but it was his choice. I got back home and moved on.”

“Do you miss him?”

“Yes, but I don't think I love him anymore. What I had with him is over. I'm with you now.”

Lovino didn't know what to say to that, and he didn't trust his voice anyway. He reached for the cup of coffee Heracles had put on the table and frowned at it.

“Your coffee's all cold now. I'll get you more.” He brushed the other's hands off his shoulders and stood up.

“Do you believe me?”

“About not loving him anymore? Sure.” Lovino turned around and placed the fresh coffee on the table. “I guess it bugs me a little that you'd call out his name like that, but shit happens. Just make sure it's not going to become a habit.”

“I think it was just the wine. My mind goes to strange places when I drink. I wasn't even thinking of him. The name just slipped out.”

Lovino took a seat at the table and watched Heracles drink his coffee. His emotions were a knot, but he didn't feel like trying to untangle it at the moment. The part of him that he hated was trying to convince him that he wasn't as good as Kiku and that Heracles would dump him without hesitation if he had the chance to get back together with him, but logically he knew it was nonsense.

“You know, I should probably tell you something, too,” he said.

“Did you call out someone else's name as well? Don't worry; I didn't notice.”

“No, that's not it. Mine is different.” And more embarrassing and abnormal and stupid and much worse than calling out the wrong name in bed. He had been meaning to take this to his grave, but now was such a good opportunity to tell someone about it. Might just as well be Heracles since he played a part in it as well.

“You know, back when we were getting together? I wasn't really looking for a relationship. I just wanted something to distract me for a while.”

“A bad break-up?”

“I wish,” Lovino muttered, tapping at the table with his fingers in irritation. “See, I was kind of into someone else at the time, but I couldn't have her. So I was just looking for someone to take my mind off her for a moment. I even tried to –” He cut himself off just in time before revealing that he had been desperate enough to make a move on Gilbert. _That_ was certainly something he was taking to his grave. “And... and it wasn't just her, really. There was someone else, too, but I had got over him earlier because I couldn't have him either.”

He looked at Heracles for a reaction. Would he be insulted that their relationship had been built on such an unhealthy basis? Or would he think that he didn't really love him and was only using him as a substitute?

“I'm over them now,” he added quickly. “I don't want them anymore. I have you, so don't you dare think that –”

Heracles reached over the table to grab the hand that was still mercilessly abusing the table.

“It's okay,” he said. “It doesn't matter whom we've loved before. We're together now, and we'll see where that takes us.”

“Yeah.” Somehow, Heracles' words were a bigger relief than he had expected. Being in a relationship usually made him a little nervous since the message from so many directions was that it had to be perfect and last forever and that if it didn't, it was meaningless. All of his previous relationships were important to him even though they hadn't lasted. His feelings for Antonio and Belle were important, too, and he didn't want to forget about them.

“Do you want to know who they are?” he asked.

“I have a hunch, but you don't have to confirm that.”

Lovino thought about it for a moment but decided that there was no need to be specific. “Don't tell them,” he said, just to be sure.

“Why would I?”

“You just might.” Lovino knew Heracles would never hurt him on purpose, but he didn't think like most people. Heracles probably saw nothing strange about once having had feelings for one's best friends and didn't consider it embarrassing or awkward. He just might blurt it out one beautiful day without even meaning to.

“Maybe you're right,” Heracles admitted. He looked into his cup of coffee and put it down when he realised it was empty. “I think we've both deserved a few more hours under the blanket.”

Lovino couldn't say no to that. He didn't have to worry so much anymore, and once he realised that, his body remembered that it wasn't even seven in the morning yet. It was an inhuman time to be up.

“You should carry me to bed,” he whined.

“Why?”

“Because it's your fault I got up anyway! I would still be asleep if you hadn't messed up the names last night.”

“But you're heavy.”

“So?”

“So I'd rather not carry you. And I don't think we'd fit through the door frame together anyway.”

“You should make it bigger, then!”

“That would be illogical on my part as I'd then have to carry you, which I don't want to do. Now, I'm getting back to bed. You're free to join me if you want to.”

Lovino was still feeling too relaxed to to feel dissatisfied with the end of the conversation. Banter with Heracles was rarely satisfying anyway as he rarely grew angry and never got into it the way Lovino did. He supposed he should have been happy that fighting wasn't constant in their relationship, but for him it had always been a good way to let out steam, and it was sometimes difficult to deal with things when he couldn't throw childish insults around.

He pretended to do something in the kitchen for a while and only then followed Heracles. The other had left him a spot on the bed, and Lovino crawled under the blanket by his side and pulled it up to his chin.

“My toes are getting cold now.” Heracles' breath was hot against his shoulder as he spoke.

“It's not my fault you're so tall. You should buy a bigger blanket.”

“If you pay for your half of it. For now I'll just move my feet over your legs where it's warm.”

Lovino didn't complain, not even when Heracles later threw his arm over him as well, nearly smothering him. It was pleasantly warm with so much skin against skin, and he craned his neck to get better access to Heracles' hair. The other used some cheap olive-scented shampoo that Lovino would have normally scoffed at, but he had grown to associate it with good things after getting into this relationship.

“I was thinking,” Heracles murmured against his chest.

“Mmh?”

“I could invite some friends over later this week. I've already met yours, so you should meet mine.”

“Sure, but they had better be nice.”

“Would I be friends with them if they weren't?”

“I don't know. You make a point of buying your groceries in a store where the cashier calls you a piece of shit when he hands you your change.“

“Maybe that's only my plot to have him caught and fired by the manager.”

“You know his uncle owns the shop!”

Heracles hadn't talked much about his friends before, only that he liked to drink with them as they discussed interesting and relevant matters at someone's home, went to see movies and visited exhibitions with them. It didn't make them sound like the kind of people Lovino liked to hang out with, but on the other hand, Heracles was that way as well, and here was, sharing his bed.

“How many?” he asked. He hoped Heracles wasn't planning to invite a dozen people over. Lovino always had some trouble getting to know new people, and the idea of being the only one in a large group who didn't know anybody else was intimidating. He didn't want to cling to Heracles the whole time like some baby.

“Just a few. Four or five, maybe. I don't know if they can all come.”

“Should I do the cooking?” Lovino was hoping Heracles would say yes. His cooking was one of the few things in his life that he had full confidence in, and maybe he could make a good impression on his friends if they liked his food.

“If you want to. But don't pick anything with pork. Gupta can't eat it.”

“Whatever, no problem. I'll make something vegetarian just to be sure.”

They spent the rest of the morning under the blanket, only getting up when they got hungry, and even then it was only to grab something and bring it to bed. Two of the cats that liked to hang out at Heracles' place joined them and curled up in the little crevices their bodies created on the blanket.

Trying not to bother the other occupants of the bed, Lovino slipped out and turned on the TV to catch the rerun of his favourite soap, but he gave up on watching it after a while. For a while now, he had been hoping to get Heracles hooked on it so that they could watch it together, but the other seemed entirely uninterested in it. Which was weird because how could someone _not_ care about Lucrezia's amnesia and how her fiancé was about to marry her twin sister who had taken her place?

“You shouldn't have bought a TV if you don't watch it,” he grumbled as he turned it off. He thought about climbing back to bed but decided to remain sitting on the floor.

“I watch the news. And I bought it for you, remember?”

Yeah, but watching TV alone wasn't fun. Lovino wanted someone he could yell at when his favourite characters did stupid things and someone whose chest he could use to hide his face when the second-hand embarrassment got too bad. At the moment it looked like the only thing the both of them liked to watch was football.

“What do you want for lunch?” he asked.

“Don't we have leftovers from yesterday? That sounds the easiest.”

“Yeah, but I don't mind putting something together real quick.”

“I do,” Heracles said and reached out from under the blanket with his hand and grabbed Lovino's shoulder. “If you cook, that's less time here with me. So come back to bed.”

“The damn cats took my spot.”

“Lure them into kitchen with tuna. There's a can in the cupboard.”

Lovino followed the advice, and soon enough the space by Heracles' side was free once more. He claimed it before the cats would realise what was going on and leaned against Heracles in an attempt to find a comfortable position.

Maybe they should sell the TV and buy a bigger bed.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kostas is Cyprus and Gupta is naturally Egypt. Laura and Vittoria are OCs and don't represent a nation.

The sauce was boiling and bubbling happily on the stove and didn't need Lovino's attention for the time being, but he kept an eye on it anyway, fiddling with the wooden spoon in his hands. It kept him busy and gave him something to think about, which meant that he could easily avoid the matter that was causing his behaviour in the first place.

Heracles' friends were coming over that evening. There'd be four of them – Gupta who worked as librarian in the National Central Library of Rome, but Lovino only knew that because Heracles had once mentioned to him how Gupta helped him cheat the library's ridiculous system of letting you have no more than three books at a time, plus Kostas, Laura and Vittoria. Heracles hadn't told him much about any of them, explaining that asking them questions would give Lovino an excuse to keep talking to them if he ran out of things to say. 

“I'm not a damn baby. I know how to talk to people,” Lovino had argued, and even now he felt irritated. Part of it was because he knew Heracles was right. Asking someone about their job, their hobbies and what football team they liked were easy conversation starters, and he needed those when he was nervous.

The stupid thing was that there was no good reason to be nervous in the first place. These people were Heracles' friends, so they had to be at least decent. But really, he wasn't afraid of them hating him, or even screwing up in some catastrophic way in front of them. He was sure they'd be able to get along. It just wouldn't be enough for him. He would be seeing these people regularly from now on, and he wanted it to be because they all enjoyed each other's company, not because he was Heracles' boyfriend and it was a social obligation to be nice to him.

At least his food would be damn perfect, he thought and gave in to the urge stir the sauce.

He heard the door open and close, which meant Heracles had to be back from the store. He had left earlier to grab some juice because they had realised they only had milk and wine, and Gupta only drank alcohol on special occasions.

“What took you so damn long?” he called out. “Did you get into another stupid fight with Sadik?”

“Yeah, they're really stupid, aren't they? I keep telling him he should learn to get along with his next-door neighbours, but he won't listen.”

Lovino whirled around in surprise as he realised that the person who had join him in the kitchen wasn't Heracles. He found himself faced with a young man around his age, a little taller than him and with a haircut that made Lovino think his hairdresser must have been either drunk or blind since he had forgotten to finish the other side of his head.

“Who are you?” he blurted out.

“Kostas. Didn't Heracles say I was coming?”

“Yeah, but... Don't walk in on me like that! I could have burned myself!”

“Doubt it. Heracles said you know your way in his kitchen.”

Lovino didn't know what to say, so he pretended that the sauce needed his immediate attention. It was nice that Heracles said good things about him to his friends, but he couldn't help but think it was unfair since he had refused to tell much about his friends to him. Maybe he thought _they_ didn't need a crutch to engage in small talk.

“How did you even get in?” he asked. 

“I've got a key. We all have keys to each other's places in case we want to drop by unannounced.”

“Then how come this is the first time I see you?”

Kostas shrugged and reached for an orange in the bowl that was on the kitchen counter. “I didn't want to bother you while you settle in. His previous boyfriend was pretty embarrassed when we all came to surprise them and caught them in bed.”

“Yeah, on second thought, don't just drop by like that.”

Lovino finished working on the dinner and let it be. Kostas kept him company, and Lovino was grateful for the chance to get to know one of Heracles' friends beforehand instead of being introduced to all of them at once. Kostas seemed like a decent guy, even if it soon turned out that their interests in life were very different. He worked as a tourist guide during the day and helped out at his uncle's work shop where they made junk for tourists in the evening.

“But that's just what pays the bills,” he said as soon as he had listed his jobs. “My real passion is ancient architecture! It's pretty amazing what people were able to build back then and how it can stay standing through an earthquake when modern buildings crumble like a pile of matches. And don't get me started on how much more pleasant to the eyes all the old styles were.”

“Sure, okay,” Lovino said and hoped that they'd find something more easily approachable to talk about when the others arrived. He could neither name any styles of architecture, old or new, nor could he tell any of them apart from each other. But he couldn't just admit that, or he'd come off as a total idiot who didn't know anything about anything.

Heracles showed up soon after, and he wasn't alone. He had run into Laura and Vittoria on the way, and their discussion over research and publishing filled the apartment as soon as the women had been introduced to Lovino. They turned out to be a couple, which surprised him a little since they appeared so different from each other. Laura was covered in piercings, jewellery and make-up that would make old ladies move to the other side of the street whereas Vittoria looked like she had just come from teaching a class in a strict Catholic school.

“I do some research into the history of religions and translate texts between Italian, Latin, Portuguese and Spanish,” she said when he asked her about her job. So, he hadn't been that far off the mark, but her answer just made him more curious about how he had ever met someone like Laura. Maybe opposites attracted each other in their case. He didn't ask, though, not wanting to give them the impression he was an insensitive jerk.

Laura was a writer like Heracles, though she wrote horror and young adults' fantasy. Since she and Heracles were both working on the first draft of a new book, they had much to talk about, and mostly about things Lovino didn't understand.

Hell, didn't these people do anything normal in their lives, he found himself wondering. How was he supposed to talk to them when he needed to look every other word that came out of their mouths up in a dictionary? His emergency plan of asking them about football if all else failed suddenly seemed like a suicide mission – did people like this even watch football?

Lovino couldn't have been happier when the front door opened and one more person entered. Since everybody else was already there, it had to be Gupta. He gave the others a nod as he stepped inside and came to sit on the empty seat by Lovino's side in the kitchen.

For a while, Lovino waited for him to say something. Why else would he have approached him?

“So...” he said when it became apparent that Gupta wasn't going to be the one to start the conversation. “I'm Lovino. Nice to meet you.”

“Gupta. The same.”

Another moment of silence. Kostas, Laura and Vittoria had been eager to tell him about their interests, but it looked like he'd have to drag it all out of Gupta with a hook and a line.

“Heracles told me you work at the library.”

“Yes.”

Lovino glanced at the others for help, but they were all looking at Heracles' laptop and discussing a sample of his latest chapter that he had shown them. He gritted his teeth in irritation and stood up.

“I'll make sure the food is fine, okay?”

All things considered, the evening wasn't a catastrophe. Heracles' friends were all nice people, particularly Kostas who actually knew how to have a conversation about something normal and was a fun person all around. The problem was that despite this, Lovino couldn't help but think that they lived on a plane of existence that was entirely different from his. They were so intelligent and cultured. Their idea of a nice chat over dinner involved philosophy, politics and art. Lovino knew so little of such topics that it was better to keep quiet than try to participate with a comment that would only reveal how lacking his knowledge truly was.

They weren't trying to make him feel like that on purpose, he knew. Apart from Gupta, they all tried to get him involved and asked him about his life and the things he liked. For a while, they managed a pleasant conversation about farming and how he'd like to live in the countryside one day, but one comment from Vittoria turned it into a debate over organic food, and that was the point when Lovino retreated.

“The pasta is real good,” Kostas told him after he had had his fill of the argument as well.

“It's nothing special. Anyone could make this.”

“Not me. I only cook when my mother is out of town.”

Lovino didn't talk much to Heracles during the evening. It was partly because his friends took so much of his attention as they discussed things and partly because he suddenly didn't know what to say to him when his friends were there. He never felt awkward with him when they were alone or when they were with _his_ friends, but somehow seeing Heracles interact with others who shared his passions made him realise what different lives they led.

“You know what we should all do?” Laura suggested after they had eaten and she and Vittoria were telling the others they had to go. “Why don't we all go see a movie later this week?”

“It's been a while since last time.” Heracles turned towards Lovino. “Do you want to go?”

“Sure.” There was a new romantic comedy he had been meaning to see, but he didn't dare suggest that as their film. He had the feeling the others would consider it rubbish, and he didn't know which would be worse – being told that to his face or having them agree to his idea and then pretend that they were having fun. Better let them pick the movie and hope for the best.

“Let's go to the usual place. I hear they're showing something really interesting this week. I'll get the tickets, and you just show up, okay?” Laura said.

Not soon after, everyone had left, and Lovino and Heracles were alone. Lovino threw himself onto the bed, exhausted. Hanging out with people usually had the opposite effect on him – unless they were utter idiots or jerks – so this was a new experience for him.

“You didn't like them,” Heracles said as he came to join him.

“What? Of course I did!”

“But you weren't having fun.”

“I'm just not very good at getting to know new people, okay? You know that.” Lovino certainly hoped this was the case. He would be seeing Heracles' friends often from now on, and he didn't want things to remain on this polite but distant level forever.

“I'm not accusing you,” Heracles said. “I was just hoping you'd have a great time.”

“I did. I like them.” It could have been so much worse. Nobody had been rude to him or looked at him down their nose – Lovino had enough experience with that, so he liked to think he was pretty good at telling when others felt he was below them. There was nothing wrong with Heracles' friends. They just weren't the kind of people he normally hung out with.

Heracles shifted and draped his arm over Lovino's form. Lovino leaned into the touch, but he couldn't help being a little irritated at the same time – partly by the whole situation, but mostly by himself. Would it have been so bad to just admit that he didn't click with Heracles' friends? That wasn't the end of the world. They didn't have to share their entire lives with each other. And at least that would have been honest and saved him from useless sulking.

After a while, his annoyance faded to a more tolerable level, and he returned Heracles' earlier affection with a kiss to the chin. He was too tired to do much more than that, but he nearly ached with the desperation to show him that he wasn't upset. Because even though he couldn't hold his own in a discussion about free will and utilitarianism, Heracles still wanted him. That was all that mattered. He wouldn't have stuck with him for so long if it was a problem, right?

“They had better pick a good movie,” he said.

“They always do. Though I'm not sure if it's going to be your style. I could ask them to –”

“No. Whatever they pick is fine.”

“But you just said it's not.”

“I was just grumbling. It doesn't matter.”'

Heracles shook his head at him. “You're so illogical sometimes.”

“Then put your damn brain to use and try to figure me out like you do with all the dilemmas than keep you entertained for hours.”

“I've been at it since day one.”

Lovino knew it was a joke and one that he deserved since he had directed the conversation into this direction, but it still wormed under his skin. He gritted his teeth together and hoisted his form up from the bed, knowing that he was being over-sensitive.

“Where are you going?”

“Home.”

“I thought you'd stay the night.”

“Yeah, but I changed my mind. I have to get up earlier than usual, and I can stay in bed half an hour later if I go to work from home rather than here.”

“If you leave, you'll get to go to bed half an hour later, so there's no difference.”

“I like it better when the extra time is in the morning.”

Heracles sat up and looked at him with a thoughtful frown. Lovino tried to play for time as he put on his shoes, grabbed his jacket and made sure his keys and wallet were with him, hoping that Heracles would ask him to stay. He wasn't sure why his emotions were suddenly such a knot inside him – nothing had happened; _nothing_ had gone wrong.

“Let me know what movie your friends pick,” he said once he was done with his excuses and was heading for the door.

“If you're angry at me about something, I wish you'd say so.”

Lovino stopped at the door, hesitated for a moment and returned into the apartment.

“I'm not angry, at least not at you. Why would I be angry at you, idiot?”

“I don't know. As I said, I don't understand you all the time.”

Lovino had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. “Is this going to turn into an argument? That I'm going home? Hell, we didn't fight when you called me Kiku, so are we really going to do it over something stupid like this?”

“I don't want to fight. I'm only trying to understand why you're so moody all of a sudden.”

“Aren't I always moody?” Lovino asked and tossed the keys of his Vespa onto the windowsill as he began to take his jacket off once more. Leaving might help him clear his head a bit, but he'd probably regret it as soon as the door had closed behind him. The last thing he wanted was to make Heracles think he had done something wrong when it was all Lovino's own fault.

“Apparently yes because I see you changed your mind again,” Heracles said.

Lovino snorted at him and kept peeling off his clothes. “It's not like I'm going to let you sulk here all alone. Now move so that I can finally get some sleep.”

Everything would be so much simpler if he could tell Heracles what the underlying problem really was, he knew. There was no reason he shouldn't – Heracles was so easy to talk to and never judged him or thought he was being silly, but this time it was his biggest fear that was leaving nippy touches all over him.

Up until now, the thought that he might not be good enough for Heracles hadn't even crossed his mind. His feelings for him had left him nearly intoxicated with bubbling happiness, and for a moment he had stopped fretting over the ways this relationship could go wrong. But now that he knew how clever and socially aware and just plain intelligent Heracles' friends were, he couldn't help but be overcome by the same feeling he did when he thought back to the countless afternoons he had spent staring out the window and waiting for his parents to come back.

It was ridiculous. He _knew_ he was being stupid. But even years of practice hadn't yet taught him how to ignore the doubts etched into his heart and think rationally.

He'd do better when they went to see the movie, he decided, mind slowly growing foggy with sleep.

***

Heracles stirred when Lovino crawled out of the bed the following morning, but he didn't wake up. It didn't matter; Lovino didn't want to bother him anyway. Heracles was one of those people who somehow managed to look gorgeous when asleep – no drool pouring down his chin, no funny faces, and his hair wasn't messy to the point that Lovino would have felt compelled to bring a comb to it.

He knew that any coffee he could make would be cold and stale by the time Heracles woke up, so he didn't bother with that. Instead, he made him a damn good sandwich with some leftovers from the previous evening and stuck a note on the fridge to let him know.

His grandfather was already at the shop when he arrived, only some five minutes late. This morning, he would have preferred to work with Giorgio who asked the smallest number of questions and knew when to stop poking him if he didn't want to answer, but maybe he'd be able to get through it.

“Hey! There you are! I was starting to think you had decided to stay in bed. Not that it would have been a surprise considering what a looker your boyfriend is.”

“Can we skip this today? I'm not in the mood.”

Romulus laughed at his sour expression and tossed him the white shirt and black apron he needed for work. “You're never in the mood for anything in the morning. But we'll fix that. Try out the cappuccino flavour I made before you got here.”

Since their shop was so small, they didn't have the means to make all of their flavours at the same time or have the same selection every day. Once Lovino had got the machine to make them some strawberry gelato, he followed his grandfather's advice and stuck a spoon into the cappuccino.

“There, don't you feel a lot better after what?”

“Gelato doesn't get rid of problems, Grandpa.”

“No, but it still makes you feel better. So, what's eating you?”

“Nothing.”

“Are you fighting with Heracles? Don't worry; every couple does that. I can't remember how many times your Grandma kicked me out of the house.” Romulus gave him a pat on the shoulder and grinned at him. “But the thing you have to remember is that if the mess was your fault, find the guts to admit that and apologize.”

Easier said than none. He couldn't apologize for being who he was, nor did he want to. Sure, he didn't know if he'd always be good enough for Heracles, but he knew he was good enough for himself. He liked his life, at least most of the time.

“We aren't fighting,” he said.

“Oh, I get it,” his grandfather said. “You're going through one of those phases when the passion fades a little and you fall back from heaven and realise that normal life is still there. That happens to everyone, but it means that from now on, you're going to have to work a bit harder to keep the flame alive. I've got some magazines if you want to –”

“No.”

“I'll save them for Feliciano and Michela, then. I don't know how useful my magazines would be for the two of you anyway.”

Lovino tuned out the rest of his grandfather's blabbering as they worked, but the familiar, happy rhythm of his words eased his tension and helped him relax. By the time they were ready to open and he was standing behind the counter, he was finally starting to believe his earlier reasoning that it wasn't the end of the world if he didn't grow close with Kostas and the others. His relationship was with Heracles, so as long as he and his friends tolerated each other, things were going to be fine.

Once there was a quieter moment at the shop, he dug out his phone and sent Heracles a message reminding him to eat the sandwich and threatening to toss his laptop out the window if he let the cats have it.


	17. Chapter 17

Lovino had traded a shift with Giorgio so that he could go to work in the morning and to see the movie with Heracles and his friends in the evening. They had picked some obscure Polish art movie that was being shown at an underground theater. Lovino figured his dismay at hearing the news had shown on his face because Heracles had promised to make him coffee for a week as an apology.

He hoped it wouldn't be as bad as it sounded like. He'd never been one to have an open mind for new experiences, so he was often pleasantly surprised when someone managed to force him into trying something out.

“You've got to tell me where the theater is,” Feliciano said. “That movie sounds super interesting! I'll take Michela there some time.”

“Does she like that kind of thing? And for that matter, do you?”

“We won't know without trying, right?”

Lovino felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He dug it out and saw that he had a message from Heracles. 

“Fuck,” he muttered as he was reading it.

“What? What is it?”

“He had to cancel. The deadline of his first draft was supposed to be in two weeks, but now his editor wants it by next Friday.”

Feliciano's smile fell from his face. “That's too bad! Does it mean that he won't come to the beach either?”

“I don't know. He never said if he was coming in the first place.”

Lovino glared at the gelato under the glass on counter and wished he could have picked up the container and tossed it at the wall. What was he supposed to do now? He didn't want to go to see the movie without Heracles, but if he cancelled as well, the others would think that he didn't like them.

“If I wasn't going out with Michela tonight, I'd come with you,” Feliciano said.

That was an idea. He'd just ask one of his friends to join him. The tickets had already been bought, and there was no use letting one go to waste. And this way, he could see if his social circle could mix with Heracles'. 

“I'll ask Belle,” he decided and began to write her a message. However, after some ten minutes she replied that she had already promised to babysit for a friend. Lovino was pretty sure Antonio would be at work, but he asked him anyway. 

As expected, no luck there.

“You could ask Grandpa. He likes old movies,” Feliciano suggested.

“Who brings their grandpa when they go out, dumbass?”

“I do sometimes. But what about Gilbert? Have you asked him?”

“I'm trying to make this evening enjoyable, not worse!”

“I'm sure he's great company. You should ask him!”

“If he's such great company, I bet he has plans already,” Lovino grumbled, but he sent Gilbert a message anyway and got back to work. Only twenty seconds later, he got his reply.

_Sounds like fun! I'm on!_

“Thanks a lot,” Lovino grumbled at Feliciano and began sending Gilbert the directions to the theatre. In reality, he didn't mind that much. It couldn't be that bad as long as he didn't have to go and watch that no doubt boring movie without any back-up.

***

Lovino hated being the first person to show up at an agreed spot because standing there alone and waiting always made him feel like an idiot. But this time he made sure to arrive early so that he'd catch Gilbert before the others showed up. Gilbert was disturbingly punctual, so he could guess exactly when he'd be there.

And he was right. He had told Gilbert to meet him outside the theatre fifteen minutes before the movie was to start, and the other appeared from behind the corner at the exact moment the big clock on the theatre's front turned a quarter to eight.

“Hey! Am I late?” he called out.

“No, why?”

“Because you always are, and yet you're here before me.” Gilbert put his hands on his hips as he reached him and grinned at him. “But I guess you were just that eager to hang out with me that you wanted to be early!”

“Tch! I'm here early to warn you that you had better not do anything stupid and embarrass me tonight. I like these people, so I don't want them to think I'm a total dumbass who only has losers as friends.”

“Then you invited the right person! When they see you're friends with me, they'll think you're super cool!”

Lovino would have argued, but that was when Laura and Vittoria showed up, soon followed by Gupta and finally Kostas. They all said they were happy he had shown up even though Heracles couldn't be there, and Lovino felt a little better about the whole thing.

“This is Gilbert,” he said and tilted his head towards him. “I figured it would be pointless to waste Heracles' ticket, so I brought him along.”

“Great! We should go out for drinks after the movie and get to know each other a bit better,” Kostas suggested.

As they went inside, the others headed straight for the entrance to the theatre, but Gilbert remained behind. His eyes wandered around the old movie posters before he went to peek into a hallway where the toilets were.

“What are you doing?” Lovino asked.

“I'm trying to find out where they sell popcorn.”

“They don't sell popcorn here!”

The look on Gilbert's face was so heart-broken that it was as if Lovino had just told him the Germans had lost 0-7 to the Dutch in football.

“W-what? Why?”

“Because this is a classy theatre! Now get going. The movie is about to start.”

Lovino circled behind Gilbert and gave him a push to make him move. They found their seats without much hassle, and by the time the lights were dimmed, Gilbert had stopped whining about how he had fasted the whole day in anticipation of getting to fill himself with popcorn and soda.

It was a small theatre that could seat maybe around fifty people. The cushions were old and not all that comfortable, so Lovino hoped the movie would be absorbing enough to distract him from the pain that was already beginning to simmer between his shoulder blades. And to stop Gilbert from squirming by his side like he had sat on an ant hill without pants.

“Behave like you aren't five,” Lovino hissed at him. He glanced at the others, but they didn't seem to have noticed anything, or maybe they didn't care. Laura was explaining the background of the movie to Gupta, so Lovino spent a moment listening to her in case it would help him say something meaningful if someone felt like discussing the film afterwards. According to her, it had been filmed in secret by a group of students as a protest against the government in 1971. It had been thought all copies of it had been lost when everyone involved had been arrested, but it seemed someone had been able to smuggle a copy away and keep it safe in their grandmother's attic. It was an interesting story, but Lovino could already tell this wasn't going to be a movie he would enjoy or understand.

It took only about five minutes of the actual movie to confirm his suspicions. First of all, the movie was in Polish with Italian captions, and Lovino _hated_ reading subtitles. They took his attention from what was going on on the screen, and he saw no point in watching a movie if he couldn't enjoy it to the fullest. Second, he didn't understand a thing. The first scene involved a man standing before a car with a suitcase, then it was cut to him driving the car, then back to standing and then to a bald woman whose connection to the whole thing Lovino couldn't begin to fathom. He didn't know if any of that was a flashback or a flashforward or a fucking dream or how it was all connected.

He regretted not asking the others how long the movie was going to last. Since he couldn't follow the plot – if there was any – he had no way of estimating when the film would reach its climax. He glanced at Kostas who was sitting to his left and wondered how impolite it would be to whisper his question to him. 

However, before he could make up his mind, a sound not too different from a chainsaw being started to his right caught his attention.

It was Gilbert, he realised in mortification just as he felt a heavy weight lean on his shoulder. The damn bastard had fallen asleep! And he was making such a sound that everyone in the theatre had turned to look, and disapproving whispers kept being directed at them.

“Shit! Idiot! Get up!”

Fortunately, they were sitting near the end of the row and at the back, so Lovino had no trouble forcing Gilbert to his feet and pushing him out of the theatre before the other had even fully awoken. He kept hissing further insults at him until they were out the door, not so much because he disapproved of his behaviour but because he wanted Kostas and the others to _think_ he did.

“What's your problem?” Gilbert growled and shoved his hands away.

“No, what's _your_ problem? Your snoring was louder than the damn movie!”

“So? I bet it was more entertaining, too! I have no idea why your dragged me to watch that boring shit.”

“I'm starting to ask myself the same question.”

Lovino hoped the others wouldn't blame him for interrupting the movie. Hell, if things went right, maybe he'd actually look better now that they had seen what an uncultured swine Gilbert was. Maybe they should wait in the lobby until the film was over and go have a few drinks with the rest – Gilbert would surely let something so idiotic slip out of his mouth that Lovino would look like a fucking genius in comparison.

Unfortunately, it didn't look like it would be easy to convince Gilbert to go along with that plan. The other shoved his hands into his pockets and poked his tongue out at him.

“I've got better things to do on a Friday night than watch crap and be yelled at. Go back to enjoy that shit with your weirdo friends if you like them better!”

“What? Where are you going?”

“I'm going to watch a real movie and buy a mega portion of popcorn _and_ eat it all by myself while I think about how lucky I am that I'm not stuck with losers like you!”

Even though Gilbert was acting like a three-year-old having a tantrum, Lovino couldn't help but feel the tiniest bit guilty. He had invited him only because he hadn't wanted to be alone with the others, not because he particularly felt like spending an evening with him. The least he could have done was tell him in advance what kind of movie they were going to watch so that he could have said no.

“Don't be an idiot,” he snapped. “We should wait for the others or they'll wonder where we disappeared to.”

“You can wait for them. I never asked you to come with me.”

“And now you're acting like a spoiled little princess.” Lovino did a quick assessment of the situation on his mind. Gilbert was leaving, that much was a fixed variable. Lovino's options were waiting for the others or going with him, and it was with some amount of horror that he realised the second option didn't sound all that unappealing. At least with Gilbert he wouldn't have to pretend that he had liked the movie and engage in any kind of discussion about it, unless it was to complain about how much it had sucked.

“Fuck it, I'm coming with you. Maybe in Germany you ditch the people you ask out, but over here we act like decent human beings,” he grumbled.

“But I'm picking the next movie! I don't trust your taste anymore.”

There probably wouldn't be any improvement in quality, but at least mindless action flicks or whatever it was that Gilbert liked probably had a plot that Lovino could follow. He doubted it would be anything more challenging than “blow up everything and make out with the hot chick”.

He felt a little guilty as they slipped out of the theatre and started heading towards the spot where Lovino had parked his Vespa. The whole point of the evening was that he should become more comfortable around Heracles' friends, and here he was, abandoning them. But as soon as he had taken the extra helmet from under his seat, tossed it at Gilbert and mounted his Vespa, these thoughts were replaced by a sense of familiarity and freedom.

Heracles' friends were nice people, but he didn't belong with them. They made him feel like he had to pretend to be something else, and even though he knew it was more because of his insecurities than any prejudice from their end, it couldn't be a crime that he didn't want to fit in with them.

“Hold on tight. I'm not stopping if you fall off,” he warned Gilbert before putting on his own helmet.

Gilbert clung to him like his life depended on it as they swooshed among the cars and ran a few red lights, and Lovino didn't know whether to laugh or shake his head. He was driving more carefully than usual. Who would have thought Gilbert was such a baby?

They arrived at a movie theatre that Lovino knew and liked. Gilbert jumped off the Vespa and tore the helmet off his head. He began to run his fingers through his hair, though Lovino didn't understand the point since the helmet hadn't made it look any more unkempt than it always was.

“So, what movie do you want to see?” he asked.

“Something cute and fluffy to take my mind off your terrible driving. I wonder if they run any cartoons this late.”

“Great. First that pseudo-intellectual piece of shit, and now something so dumb that it'll rot my brain.”

“Cartoons aren't dumb! The good stuff is better than live action!”

“I'll believe that when I see it.”

“Come around to my place some time, and we'll rent some awesome movie.”

Lovino rolled his eyes. “Let's get through this one first before making more plans.”

They were lucky as there were several movies about to start as they stepped inside. They examined the posters, and Lovino was glad to notice that there were no animated films in the selection. The romantic comedy he had been meaning to see was there, but he doubted that would be Gilbert's cup of tea. After he had tricked him into watching the art movie, he figured he'd keep quiet and let the other choose whatever he wanted. Besides, Gilbert might laugh at him if he knew he liked that kind of flicks.

“Pick one already, idiot. We're going to be late!”

“Don't hurry me! These are important decisions.”

“There won't be any time to buy your damn popcorn!”

“Alright, sheesh! Let's watch that one.”

Lovino followed Gilbert's finger. Much to his surprise, he had picked the exact movie that he had wanted to see but had been too embarrassed to suggest.

“That one? 7-Hour Courtship?”

“Yeah, why not? The couple looks cute, and there's a chihuahua with a bow-tie. Can't go wrong with that! Or do you want to see something else?”

“...no, that's fine if you want it that badly. Let's just go!”

They bought their tickets and went inside. Lovino watched Gilbert run to the snacks stand and then return with the biggest bucket of popcorn that he had ever seen in his life.

“You're going to eat all that?” he asked.

Gilbert shrugged and flipped a popcorn into his mouth. “Yeah. And if there's any left after the movie, it can be my breakfast tomorrow. But I guess you can have a little since you asked me out and stuff. I'm the best replacement for Heracles, aren't I?”

“The hell?”

The grin fell from Gilbert's face, but he was quick to replace it with a bark of laughter.

“As a friend! I meant as a friend! Lighten up and don't take everything so literally!”

“I wasn't –”

“I mean, damn, you've got to have your wires crossed somewhere if you thought I meant it _that_ way! Hahaha!”

“I wasn't thinking of anything, so shut it before I stuff all that popcorn into you through the wrong end!”

Thankfully, Gilbert did, and announced that he was going to find his seat now. His cheeks were spotted with red that made him look particularly unappealing but oddly endearing. If they had been talking about something else, Lovino might have found him cute.

As it was, all that he could feel was anger and embarrassment because Gilbert's words had made him think back to the very, very repressed memory of dancing with him and kissing him at Antonio and Belle's wedding.

He had no idea why he had found Gilbert attractive that night. He was nothing like his usual type. He was too pale, too lanky, too loud, too stupid and too rude. And too German. It was a damn good thing he was straight or Lovino might have ended up having the most dissatisfying one-night stand of his life back then.

It looked like the doors to the theatre were about to be closed, so Lovino shelved his uncomfortable thoughts for the time being and hurried inside. He had to squeeze his way through the row to get to his seat.

Gilbert was already munching on the popcorn and barely looked at him when he arrived. That was fine with Lovino. Things had ceased to be awkward between them when Gilbert had stopped with his homophobic excuses about how he had nothing against gay people as long as someone didn't accidentally think he was one, and Lovino didn't want to start that fight again. Maybe Gilbert had just meant that he wouldn't be into him even if their orientations matched because he wasn't his type or because he didn't go for other people's boyfriends.

The movie turned out to be a lot of fun. As expected, it was mindless mush about a lawyer who ended up engaged to his boss' daughter by an agreement of convenience because she didn't want her father to know she had got pregnant after a one-night stand and didn't even know who the father was. It had all the hijinks and drama that he liked, and for once the main characters were likeable and genuine people – not just two assholes who bickered all the time and were somehow still attracted to each other.

He stole some of Gilbert's popcorn when the other wasn't looking, but it only worked once. The second time, they ended up fighting over the bucket until it fell over and most of the popcorn flew onto Lovino's lap.

“Fuck you,” Lovino hissed and was about to brush the popcorn to the floor, but Gilbert caught his wrist.

“Stop, that's mine! Don't waste it. Put it back in the bucket.”

“No, it's mine now. And I want to finish watching at least one movie tonight, so shut up.”

Lovino turned his attention back to the screen, just in time to catch the end of the scene in which the main characters got drenched while having a walk and ended up sharing a cup of coffee at Starbucks because they had forgotten to bring their wallets. There was something about cliché slush of that type that he liked, maybe because his own life was far from a fairytale.

Watching the movie with Gilbert wasn't so bad either. He laughed at all the right moments and didn't comment on how unrealistic or predictable the plot was. Near the end, when the baby was born prematurely and the main characters thought they were going to lose her, Lovino was too busy trying to hold back his own tears to glance at how Gilbert was doing, but since he had stopped gorging on the remaining popcorn, he must have been at least a little touched.

Of course, the movie had a happy ending, and Gilbert was grinning from ear to ear as they left the theatre.

“That was so cute! When I have a daughter, I'm going to call her Bubbles, too! Hanna Bubbles Beilschmidt!”

“At least you aren't cruel enough to give her that as a first name.”

“I could hyphenate it. I want my kids to remember every single day that they're special, and what's a better way than a very special name?”

“Yeah, they sure will remember they're special when the other kids steal their backpacks and stick gum in their hair.”

“No! I'd teach them to fight! They'd beat up the whole neighbourhood if anyone gave them shit!”

“I sure hope you find someone sensible to be the mother because I fear what your children would be like without any good genes to balance out your influence.”

“I'll find someone who is the best and complements all my good traits. It's going to be something epic and cute like in that movie.”

“Life isn't like fiction.”

Gilbert shrugged. “You've just got to stay positive. No matter what kind of shit happens, you should see it as an opportunity to build something new.”

Lovino's reply was a snort, but he supposed there was some merit to Gilbert's words. He had felt like his world was ending when Antonio and Belle had announced their engagement, but if he hadn't been feeling down at the wedding, he would have never kissed Gilbert. And then he wouldn't have grumbled to Giorgio the next day, and _then_ his cousin wouldn't have invited him to the party where he had met Heracles. It had been nothing but a string of weird coincidences.

“We should go to the movies again some time! But only if we're going to watch good movies and not the crap you brought me to earlier. What was even up with that?”

“I didn't pick that movie.”

They had reached the spot where Lovino had parked his Vespa. He handed Gilbert his helmet and was glad when he put it on right away so that his voice wasn't so audible anymore. If they kept talking, Gilbert would say something stupid about Heracles and his friends and their taste in entertainment, and Lovino didn't want that. He would be obliged to take his boyfriend's side, and fighting with Gilbert was the last thing he needed at the moment.

It was nice to go to the movies with someone who had the same taste, he mused. He knew Heracles wouldn't refuse if he asked him to watch movies like that with him, but he also knew it wouldn't be the same. This was too dumb to keep Heracles entertained for long.

He dropped Gilbert off in front of the block of flats where he lived and hurried home. He had a quick shower, climbed to his bed and was already half-asleep when he realised that he had forgotten to turn on his phone after leaving the theatre. He fumbled for his trousers until he found them on the floor and grabbed his phone.

He always liked to turn it off completely rather than putting it on silent because he had rotten luck and knew the settings would be somehow messed up and cause the damn thing to ring anyway. It was ridiculous, but it was yet another of his stupid quirks that he he couldn't get rid of.

There was an irrational, tight knot inside him as he turned the phone on, but it loosened somewhat when there were no messages for him. Kostas and the others had probably told Heracles that he had disappeared with Gilbert, but since the other hadn't sent him any questions about it, he must not have minded. Still, Lovino felt a little guilty, so he rolled onto his stomach and began to type a message.

_Hey, still up?_

He had to wait a moment before he received a reply. Heracles said he was still working on his novel and asked him how the movie had been. There was no indication that he knew how the evening had turned out. It was a relief for Lovino, and then he immediately felt stupid for thinking that way. It wasn't like he had done something wrong, for fuck's sake. He was allowed to go out with his friends on a whim. He had no reason to feel bad.

_Gilbert was acting like an ass, so I dragged him out and went to see a different movie with him. I hope the others aren't pissed off._

Another reply soon arrived.

_Probably not. But I have to get back to writing. Tell me about it tomorrow. Goodnight._

Lovino sent him a quick reply, wishing him inspiration and saying that he'd drop by to make dinner in the evening. Satisfied with himself, he tossed his phone on the floor and crawled back under the covers.


	18. Chapter 18

Lovino had made some simple tomato soup and salad for dinner. Eating with Heracles was usually the highlight of his day – excluding sex – because he always liked what he cooked him, and they often ended up talking about recipes, vegetables or how Lovino's use of spices was different from how Heracles' mother did it.

But not this time. He ate alone in the kitchen while Heracles took his bowl to his bed where he was writing. Lovino felt a growing suspicion that he would have to fight the damn laptop for a spot by Heracles' side that night.

“This is stupid,” he complained. It was the second time he said that because the first time hadn't earned him any reaction.

“I need to get this chapter finished today.”

“You had the whole day to write it! How aren't you done yet?”

“I couldn't write it during the day. The words flow better at night.”

Lovino suppressed the urge to continue the argument. They were already tiptoeing on the edge of the line that would have turned the conversation into a fight. He just didn't get how Heracles could claim to be an author and then not write. It pissed him off that he was acting like it was normal or justified. If other people slacked off at their job all day long, they'd get fired. What made these artsy fartsy types so special?

“By the way,” Heracles said, finally lifting his eyes from the screen. “I can't make it to the beach. I need to work on this.”

“Francis already factored you in,” Lovino said. At first, they had been planning to go Sabaudia because there was a decent camping site, and they wanted to save as much money as possible. But then Francis had kicked up a fuss about how he couldn't sleep in a tent, and Lovino had snapped at him that if he wanted something more refined, he had better organize it himself and for an affordable price.

Surprisingly enough, Francis had. He knew someone who owned a summer house in San Felice Circeo and wouldn't be going there until near the end of August. It had been empty for almost half a year, so Francis had negotiated that if they could spend a weekend there, they'd clean the place from top to bottom and weed out the garden.

“Does it matter? We aren't paying, so it shouldn't be a problem that I'm not coming.”

Lovino didn't feel as disappointed as he had thought he would. While he had been happy that he had managed to get Heracles to agree at first, he had known from the start that going to the beach with him might not be the greatest experience. The beach was the one place in the world where Lovino felt active and social, and he loved swimming, playing beach volleyball and chatting with brief acquaintances. Heracles had told him how exhausting all that sounded like and that he'd much rather lie in the shade and read a book or nap.

It wasn't a problem that they liked to do different things. It wasn't as if couples were required to spend all their time together. But Lovino couldn't do anything against the slight pang of disappointment when he had realised that enjoying a day on the beach meant such different things to them.

“Fine, you aren't coming,” he grumbled. “Thanks for leaving the rest of us more cleaning up to do.”

“I probably wouldn't have been very effective at it anyway. Besides, nobody asked me if I was fine with that arrangement. Your friends decided that all on their own.”

True enough. Michela and Feliciano had made all the plans a long time ago, even before he and Heracles had got together. It was a strange thought. They had been dating only for about two months, and yet it already felt like a lifetime had passed.

“Sorry,” he said with a sigh. “I... I guess I'm just pissed off. I was looking forward to spending some time with you. I feel like that damn laptop is your boyfriend and not me.”

In a perfect world, this would have been the moment when Heracles turned the stupid thing off and threw himself at him, but Lovino had long since realised that the world he lived in was far from perfect. The slow clicking of Heracles' typing didn't change. The other didn't even turn his eyes from the screen to acknowledge his words.

“Are you mad at me?” Lovino asked. Was Heracles upset that he had dumped his friends at the theatre and gone out with Gilbert? He had said he wasn't, but maybe he was lying. Maybe this whole writing thing was some passive-aggressive way of getting back at him. He almost hoped it was because that at least was something he could understand.

“No, why would I be?”

Because you aren't paying attention to me, Lovino thought. He wanted sex! Hell, it hadn't been even a week, and he was already starting to crack. It wasn't that he needed constant affection or someone to pat his head, but he liked to be acknowledged. He liked feeling that he was important and wanted. But right now he was sure he could be hit by a truck, and Heracles would barely pause his writing at the news.

“I guess I'm going home,” he said. He made a show of putting his jacket on as slowly as possible and then pretended he was looking for his keys all around the apartment in hopes that Heracles would finally put his laptop away and ask him to stay, but after five minutes he had to admit that his efforts were in vain.

Stupid idiot, he thought as he stepped outside and took in a large breath of Rome's night. Maybe it was a good thing he wasn't coming to the beach. A weekend apart would give Heracles enough time to finish his first draft, and Lovino would have fun with his friends and forget about his boyfriend ignoring him. And then when he came back, they'd have amazing sex and eat in bed and sleep until the afternoon the following day.

When he arrived home, he found his grandfather and Giorgio in the living room, watching football reruns and finishing their dinner. Even though he had already eaten, he decided to grab some leftovers and stuff himself so that there'd be at least one good thing about the evening.

Feliciano and Michela were sitting at the kitchen table, and at first Lovino thought they had opened a bottle of wine since they were giggling so much. Then he saw it was only strawberry juice and figured that happy was simply their normal state of being.

“Hey, you came back,” Feliciano said when Lovino went to poke around in the fridge.

“Heracles is writing.”

“And you don't want to bother him? That's nice!”

“Is he still coming to Circeo?” Michela asked.

“No.”

Feliciano frowned. “Aww, that's too bad! I wanted him there. But there's one plus, too!”

“What's that?” Lovino asked, wondering what was enabling his brother to always see something positive in things no matter what shit life threw at him.

“You get to have a whole room just for yourself! Remember, there are four bedrooms. One for me and Michela, and Antonio and Belle will be in the second and Francis and Gilbert in the third. Now that Heracles isn't coming, the fourth one is all yours! You can do whatever you want, and nobody will complain.”

“Tch, I guess.” To be honest, Lovino would have much rather shared with someone because he didn't like the idea that everyone else was talking and having a great time in their rooms while he was stuck alone.

“Or would you rather sleep with us? I'm sure it'd work! We'd just have to carry your bed into our room,” Feliciano suggested.

“Yeah, that would no problem!” Michela added.

“No thanks.” It was a tempting offer, but Lovino didn't want to make the others think he was an entitled dick who went around ruining other people's vacations just because his wasn't perfect. Or that he was so dependant on Heracles that he couldn't go one weekend without him.

Feliciano pouted at him. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I know the way you sleep! You jump into people's beds in the middle of the night and snore! There's no way in hell I'm sleeping in the same room with you!”

“You snore, too! And you roll around and kick in your sleep!”

“That wouldn't be a problem if you weren't too dumb to stay in your own bed, would it?”

Lovino shovelled some risotto into a bowl and grabbed a juice carton from the fridge. He made his way to the living room and threw himself on the couch to watch the remaining part of the game. He already knew who had won, but since it was his favourite team, he might just as well watch it again.

***

Two days later, their miss-matched group boarded a train and spent an hour and a half travelling to Circeo. The house they were staying at was within a walking distance from the beach, but that did little to improve Lovino's sour mood upon seeing it. It was a nice house, sure, but if the inside was anything like the garden, they'd be spending their weekend cleaning and scrubbing their hands raw, not relaxing.

“Your fault if the floors are covered in shit,” he said to Francis as they were standing on the terrace and waiting for him to find the keys in his bag.

“I doubt it's that bad. Massimo promised it wouldn't be a lot of work.”

“It had better not be! I'm not wasting more than this evening for this, and tomorrow and on Sunday I'm going to the beach!”

“Stop whining! I'm here, so it's going to be a piece of cake!” Gilbert announced.

Francis got the door open, and they began to pour in. It wasn't as bad as Lovino had feared, but everything was covered in dust, there was a stale, murky smell lingering in the rooms, and he was pretty sure they'd have to wash all the bedclothes. Thankfully, there was washing machine in the small room beside the hall, or he would have flipped his shit.

The kitchen was his main concern, but the house's owner hadn't left any food scraps or sugar lying around, so the place wasn't infested with bugs or mice. Everything would just have to be dusted and washed, like elsewhere in the house. Knowing that at least he'd be able to cook and eat well untied the angry knot in his brain, and he began to think they'd manage.

He took his bag into the bedroom he had been supposed to share with Heracles. There were two beds on opposite sides of it, a closet and a shelf so full of little statues and picture frames that it was a wonder it was still standing. Occasional blue tiles gave a little colour to the brown floor. It was a nice room, and he was sure Heracles would have liked it.

With an irritated huff, he threw himself on his back on the closest bed and began to write Heracles a message that they had arrived. Just as he was done, Gilbert poked his head inside.

“Hey, pretty room! And look at those adorable porcelain birdies!”

“Keep your hands off. You'll just break them, and they're probably antique or something.”

“I know my way with birds. I used to have a canary when I was a kid.”

“I don't care. Don't go around touching anything. And what are you doing in my room anyway?”

“I just came to let you know that Feliciano and Michela decided to go to the store before it closes down. The rest of us can start cleaning.”

Lovino would have much rather stayed on the bed and had a nap, but the thought of getting to go to the beach the following day if they finished their work made him able to drag himself to the hall. By the time he had made it there, Gilbert had already filled a bucket with water and detergent and was trying to shove a mop into Francis' hands.

“Come on! You start by getting rid of the cobwebs on the walls and the ceiling!”

“Are you serious? I'm going to get spiders all over my hair! Make Lovino do it!”

“Not me,” Lovino said and threw up his hands. “I'm taking care of the kitchen. You do the rest.”

“You think that's fair? There's a living room, four bedrooms, a hall, the basement, the bathroom and who knows what else. The least you can do is clean your own bedroom,” Gilbert said. He twirled the mop in his hands and placed it over his shoulder like a bayonet. “I'll deal with the cobwebs, then, since I'm clearly the only real man here!”

Lovino made himself busy in the kitchen. He was happy to discover that it was well-stocked in terms of utensils. He doubted he'd have the money to buy such nice knives any time in the future, so he was already looking forward to giving them a test drive. He took everything out of the cupboards and wiped them clean of dust and grime and then did the same to all the furniture and counters.

Usually, he loathed cleaning and organizing anything, but kitchens were different. Every time he'd been upset about something as a child – which had been often – his grandmother had taken him aside and made him go through every little thing in their kitchen until he either felt better or was ready to cry his heart out. He supposed that was one reason he liked cooking; he always felt safe and like he knew what he was doing when he was in a kitchen.

His work was interrupted when he became aware of the annoying sound that kept getting closer and closer. It was Gilbert, singing to himself as he moved from room to room and annihilated the efforts of every spider in the house.

“Stop that!” Lovino called out, not looking up from the pot he was wiping. “People come here to relax, and if someone hears you, we're all getting arrested for disturbing the peace!”

“Nope, you should join me. You look like someone took a dump in your pasta. Lighten up, and this'll be fun.”

Gilbert immediately picked up his song where he had cut off. Lovino glared at the utensils as he was forced to listen to it and wondered how someone could sound so happy when cleaning. Of all the damn things. Cleaning was torture and not meant to be enjoyed. And even worse, Gilbert was singing in German. Lovino was pretty sure it was the first time he heard the other speak his own language. There were few good things he associated with it, so he didn't appreciate the performance.

“Hey, are you going to do group singing here?”

He turned around to face the window. Antonio had poked his head inside and was looking at him with a hopeful smile. He and Belle had volunteered to take care of the garden, and based on the dirt on his face and in his hair, they'd got busy right away.

“No, it's just that one tone-deaf idiot.”

“I think it's a great idea! We should all sing something nice!”

“At the very least you could make it the same song!” Lovino snapped when Antonio withdrew from the window, singing a romantic ballad that didn't go very well with the inhuman noise Gilbert was making.

He was done with the kitchen a little before Feliciano and Michela came back with two full bags of groceries to get them through the weekend. Since they were all hungry, he decided to take his chance, start making dinner and leave the rest of the cleaning to the others.

His peace was being constantly interrupted by the others popping in to ask him what he was doing, to give him suggestions about what they wanted to eat (all of the ones by Gilbert and Francis were rejected) and to inform him of the process of their massive cleaning operation. He kicked them all out one after another, but he was glad that they kept coming back to bug him. Otherwise the loud, miss-matched singing in at least three different languages might have irritated him even more. It wasn't that he wanted to participate in something as stupid as that, but it was nice to notice he wasn't entirely forgotten.

Some twenty minutes later, it was time for another disturbance when Gilbert appeared behind his back to peer at the pot over his shoulder.

“What're you making?”

Lovino slapped Gilbert's hand away when he tried to grab a piece of the onions he had just tossed into the pot. “It's not ready yet! And you'll burn your fingers, dumbass!”

“I'm hungry!”

“You can wait like the others.”

Lovino put the lid on the pot and turned around to shoo Gilbert out of the kitchen, but he stopped when he realised that the other had tied a scarf around his head and was wearing an apron he had dug out from who knew where. He was still holding the mop as well, and based on the idiotic grin on his face, he had no idea how stupid he looked. It had to be interesting to live one's life without a shred of dignity.

“Where did you get that?” he asked.

“You like it? It was in one of the closets.”

“And why are you wearing it?”

“Why not? There's dust everywhere, and every pro cleaner protects his clothes somehow. It's just practical. You should try it, too, unless you want boiling pasta sauce all over that shirt.”

Lovino snorted. “I know my what I'm doing, and it doesn't involve making a fool of myself. And how are you so into this anyway? It's just cleaning someone else's house!”

“And why are you so into cooking? It's a chore, too. And it makes a mess. Cleaning only leads to good things because everyone likes a place where everything is spotless and in perfect order, and you get to feel super accomplished when you're done!”

Lovino wondered just how much of a loser one had to be if they needed cleaning in order to feel a sense of accomplishment, but he didn't ask. Gilbert's enthusiasm was contagious, and if it was having an effect on _him_ , the others were probably just as nuts about their work at the moment. And that meant they'd be done soon.

“Fine, whatever,” he huffed. “Just let me get back to work.”

“What's there left to do? You've got it brewing there. Come and do the laundry with me and Francis!”

“Like hell.”

“If you don't, we have to get the sheets from your room, and I can't promise that he won't dig into your bag to look at your stuff,” Gilbert said.

“Tch. If it's not a woman, Francis won't violate its personal space. My bag is safe.”

“Can you be sure? I'll be there, too.”

“You touch my bag, and tomorrow we're having _finanziera alla tedesca_ for dinner.”

“Something done in a German way? How's that a bad thing?”

“You'll never have to find out if you know what's good for you.”

“I'll just ask Feliciano, then!”

Gilbert danced out of the kitchen with his mop, and Lovino turned his attention back to the food. There wasn't much to do but wait for now, as Gilbert had said, but he didn't like leaving his cooking unattended. Something could always go wrong, and he refused to serve food that didn't meet his standards.

In the end, however, his curiosity got the best of him. He turned the heat down a little and made his way through the house to see what the others were doing. All the windows were open to let fresh air inside, and there was a faint scent of lemon lingering in the rooms after every surface had been dusted and every floor mopped. Feliciano and Michela were still finishing up in the bathroom, and he was pretty sure Antonio and Belle would be coming back inside soon since the sun was already setting.

He met Gilbert and Francis in the hallway, both carrying an armful of bedsheets.

“I didn't touch your stuff, I swear,” Gilbert said as he passed him. “Francis can vouch for me.”

“Like I'll believe a word of what he says.”

“But you'll believe me, right? Because we're buddies?”

Lovino rolled his eyes and said nothing as he followed the others into the storage room where the washing machine was. He supposed Gilbert was right, though he had trouble pinpointing the moment when it he had turned from an irritation to someone whose company he even enjoyed.

They had dinner, spent a moment marvelling at all the interesting channels the TV in the living room had but decided to go to bed early. Everyone was tired after the hours of work around the house, and they wanted to get an early start to their Saturday.

They had brought sleeping bags (even Francis, though he had complained about it for half of the train ride) so that they wouldn't have to do any more laundry before they left on Sunday. Lovino spread his on the bed and crawled into it. He could hear Feliciano and Michela chatter and laugh in the hallway before they disappeared into their room.

He glared at the ceiling in irritation and hoped that nobody would wake him up with sex in the middle of the night, especially since he was in no position to have revenge on them. Not that he wanted to let the others hear him and Heracles, but... 

He hadn't missed him much in the middle of all the hassle, but now that he was all alone in the large room, listening to the sounds of a strange house, he wished the other had joined them after all.

“Idiot,” he muttered as he turned over, though he didn't know whom he meant this time.


	19. Chapter 19

Lovino hated waking up early, so he had shoved the duty of preparing breakfast on Gilbert and Francis, even if he was a little suspicious of what they'd come up with. However, since he never had a heavy breakfast anyway, he was sure he'd manage with just a cup of coffee if the two presented them with something inedible. 

When he staggered into the kitchen a little before eight, he found that everyone except for his brother was already there. The table was covered in various food items, starting with bread and ending with fruit, with cheese and meat somewhere in the middle.

“Are we going to eat all our food this morning?” he asked.

“I said coffee and some bread were enough, but he insisted,” Francis replied and pointed a thumb in Gilbert's direction. The other was in the process of building a pile of cheese and sausage slices on his slice of bread.

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You need to eat a lot,” he said.

Lovino snorted as he sat down. “You eat all that, and you're going to sink like a rock when you go swimming.”

Antonio reached for the can of orange juice and poured some for himself and Belle. She lifted her brows at him, moved her glass aside and grabbed some coffee instead.

“You know I always have coffee,” she said.

“Yeah, but I thought you'd like to try something different.”

“Not today. Nothing's getting between me and my caffeine, not even you.”

“Lovino, do you want the juice?” Antonio asked and offered the extra glass to him.

“No. Coffee for me, too.”

“I'll take it. Coffee makes me cranky,” Michela said and took the juice. She had already finished an apple and said it was enough to get her through the morning.

“Where's Feliciano?” Lovino asked.

“Still in bed, I guess. He's so cute when he's asleep that I didn't have the heart to wake him up. But I can go and get him.”

“No, don't bother. I'll do it. It's going to take a good kick to get him up.”

When Lovino entered Feliciano and Michela's room, the first thing he noticed was that they had moved the beds together so that they could sleep side by side. Feliciano was lying sprawled right between the beds, the blanket not covering the fact that he was, as usual, sleeping naked.

“Wake up! Everybody else is done eating! You're wasting our time!” Lovino grabbed the edge of the blanket and pulled it away. When that earned him no reaction, he shoved his heel below Feliciano's ribs and began to poke him.

“Nggh, stop...” 

“I will when you get up!”

Feliciano rolled to the side to get away from Lovino's foot, but Lovino jumped on the bed and followed, so Feliciano tried to escape again, but this time there was no more bed for him, so he landed on his behind on the tiled floor.

“Are you awake now?”

Feliciano frowned as he turned to look up at him. “Lovino, you're mean! And why are you up? You never get out of bed before me if we don't have to be anywhere!”

“We have to be on the beach.”

“It's too early!”

“I didn't wear myself out yesterday so that you could spend the whole day in bed. Go grab some breakfast or we'll leave without you.”

That finally got Feliciano moving, and he was already out the door by the time Lovino realised that he had forgotten to put any clothes on. Swearing under his breath, he grabbed his brother's boxers and ran after him, catching up with him right as he reached the breakfast table.

“Put these on, dumbass!” he snapped and threw the boxes at the back of his head.

“I don't mind,” Belle said. 

Michela looked a little more flustered, but she managed a nervous giggle as she turned her attention to her glass of juice. 

“Aww, don't tell me you're embarrassed,” Belle said to her. “You must have seen him like that a thousand times!”

“Yeah, but never with someone else watching...”

Finishing breakfast and gathering their things took some more time, but they were ready to leave the house a little less than an hour later. They'd be having lunch at La Conchiglia that was near the beach, so Lovino wouldn't have to worry about feeding anyone until dinnertime.

Since it was August, the day was already hot, and people were pouring onto the beach. Lovino and his friends managed to find an empty spot and spread a couple of towels on the sand. There wasn't any shade near them, but since it wasn't noon yet, Lovino wasn't overly worried about that.

“So, what are we going to do first?” Feliciano asked.

“I don't feel like swimming yet. How about we go for a walk?” Michela said.

“Aww, really? I was hoping we could have a nap.”

“You just got up, idiot.” Though now that they were on the beach, Lovino wouldn't have said no to some more sleep either, but he knew it was better to do something active now and rest when it got unbearably hot later.

Antonio took Belle's hand and pointed along the long stretch of sand. “A walk sounds nice. We should go.”

“Okay, but you're carrying me if these sandals start giving me blisters.”

Lovino sat down on one of the towels, disappointed that Antonio and Belle hadn't asked him to join them. He didn't want to let them know, though, partly because they deserved to have some fun together and partly because it was embarrassing that such small things mattered to him. He dug his hand into his bag to check his phone, only to find out that Heracles hadn't replied to his message from the previous night yet.

Fuck, he wasn't going to let his day be ruined. He'd come up with something fun to do in a minute.

Feliciano and Michela ended up going on a walk as well after Michela promised she'd buy him an ice cream when they came back. That left Lovino with only Gilbert and Francis for company, which he considered the worst possible outcome of the situation.

“I thought you didn't want to take a nap,” Gilbert said when Lovino collapsed on his back with a frustrated groan.

“I'm not. I'm thinking.”

“About what?”

Lovino let out a dismissive snort and closed his eyes. He spent a moment listening to the wind and the chatter of the people around them. They were too far away from water for him to hear the waves, but the atmosphere around him fed his imagination so that it almost felt as if he could dip his toes into the sea if he just straightened his knees.

Splrrrrrrrt!

His peaceful musings were brought to an abrupt halt when there was a loud spurting sound to his side. When he turned to look, he saw Gilbert squeezing a thick glob of sunblock on his hand and beginning to spread it all over his arms and legs.

“Francis, I need your help. Do my back.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yeah, unless you want my skin cancer on your conscience!” Gilbert lifted his arms so that Francis could pull his T-shirt off him and then handed him the bottle of sunblock.

“Frankly, I think you're overdoing it,” Francis said.

“I burn easily! The first summer my family came here, I looked like the world's cutest little lobster, but it hurt like hell. Never again.”

Lovino watched them, simultaneously trying to appear like he wasn't paying attention. He didn't really care what the two idiots did, but there was nothing else going on, so he found his eyes drawn to them as they carefully covered every centimetre of Gilbert's skin with sunblock, not forgetting his face.

It was the first time he saw Gilbert shirtless, and he wasn't as bad as he had expected. Pale skin wasn't his type, but Gilbert was built the way he liked – not too thin, but not so buff that it would have made him look like he was compensating for his lack of brain. It was too bad Francis was there to partially block the view.

“Hey, Lovino, you want some, too? Your face looks like you're burning already!”

“No!” Lovino rolled to his side so that he was facing the other way. He didn't feel particularly guilty about finding other people attractive even when he was in a relationship – if he was just looking and didn't want to touch, no harm in it, right? – but the last thing he wanted was for Gilbert to know.

“Suit yourself, but don't come crying to me when your skin starts peeling off.”

“Just take care of yourself! I'm not the one who looks like a corpse.”

Francis clasped his hands together to spread the extra sunblock on them and stood up. “You two sound like you're going to act like idiots again. I'm going to go and find some better company.”

“If you find someone, let me know if she's got hot sisters or friends!” Gilbert called out after him as he began to walk away. He grabbed his T-shirt, shook it to get rid of the sand in it and pulled it over his frame again.

“So, what do you want to do?” he asked.

“I don't know. I guess I'll have a nap.”

“You just told Feli it was a dumb idea!”

“I changed my mind.”

“Suit yourself. I'm going to do stuff.”

Lovino kept his eyes stubbornly shut, even as he listened to Gilbert get something from his bag and walk off. He wanted to grab a handful of sand and throw it at someone. How stupid; he had been worried that if Heracles joined them, he'd be spending all his time lying on the ground, and now he was doing that anyway.

But what else could he do? Feliciano, Michela, Antonio and Belle deserved some time alone. They'd all do something together later, but for now he'd just have to suck it up that he was one of the odd ones out without a pair. 

It didn't take long before Gilbert returned. Lovino didn't look, but he heard him hum something under his breath and pour some water on the sand. Sharp, wet sounds followed, and Lovino couldn't keep his curiosity in check for much longer.

“What are you doing?” he asked and shielded his eyes from the sunlight that now felt painfully bright.

“I'm building a sand castle.”

When Lovino could see right again, he noticed that Gilbert had dug a bright yellow bucket and a matching toy shovel from his bag. He was indeed in the process of building something out of the wet sand before his feet, though Romano couldn't say it looked much like a castle.

“It's a castle that has been pillaged and burnt to the ground, right?”

Gilbert made a face like Lovino had just called his baby ugly. “No! I just got started! It's going to be an impenetrable fortress once it's done! All that matters is that the enemy can't get over the walls.”

“Typically German. All you care about is practicality, but you have no eye for beauty.”

“When there's a blood-thirsty enemy climbing into your castle and tearing your guts out with a sword, you're probably wishing that your design had been a bit more practical.”

“This a sand castle, dumbass! It's only function is to be pretty!”

“Nah,” Gilbert said and dug his shovel into the sand, then placed a glob of it on top of the foundations of his castle. “As long as you have fun building it, who cares about the rest? I know mine's going to be awesome, so I don't really care about what anyone else thinks. Except maybe I'll feel sorry for them since they have a sucky taste.”

Lovino snorted but didn't continue the argument. He sat down by the side of Gilbert's castle and watched him work on it, but after a while his boredom got the best of him. He grabbed Gilbert's bucket that still had some water in it and poured it at his feet until he had his own portion of wet sand. He began to build what he imagined a sand castle should look like – tall towers in each corner, tiny windows and elaborate designs he drew on the walls with a piece of stone.

He kept an eye on what Gilbert was doing with his project, but he was showing no signs of improvement. His castle was bulky and looked more like he had just dumped an armful of sand at his feet, but based on the grin on his face, he was very satisfied with the end result.

“Wow, your castle is really pretty,” he said when he noticed Lovino's work. “Too bad the sand's getting dry. All the details will be ruined.”

“So? It's just a dumb castle.”

“No! Can't you see how well it works with mine? Look here.” Gilbert circled around to kneel beside Lovino and drew a line in the sand with his finger. “The enemy is going to come from this direction, and they're going to see your pretty castle. They're going to think that a place that looks so nice must be full of sissies, so they'll think they can invade it right away. But! What they don't know is that my fortress with its super trained army is right behind yours and will kick their ass when they're busy trying to take over your castle.”

“What enemy? This isn't a game!”

“Try to use your imagination!”

“I'm not a kid. Who thinks about this stuff at our age?”

Gilbert crossed his arms on his chest and pouted. “If I hadn't had to sell my awesome collection of Warhammer figures, I'd change your mind. Then you'd finally start to enjoy my company.”

“What?”

“You don't know Warhammer? They're these figures, and you play war with them.”

“No, I don't know them, but that's not the point. What makes you think I'm not having fun with you?”

“I don't know. Maybe the fact that you're always telling me that I suck? I mean, I don't mind because I know it's not true, but, you know... it gets boring to hear the same thing over and over again.”

“God, you're dumb!”

“See? You're doing it again!”

“That's not –” Lovino kicked at his sand castle in frustration. Why had Gilbert suddenly developed an issue like this? Wasn't it obvious that if he didn't like him, he wouldn't even bother talking to him? “Why are you like this?”

Gilbert shrugged. “I'm just saying.”

“Don't say it! That shit is stupid. Do you think I hate Feliciano?”

“Well, no, but –”

“There you go. I treat him the same as you. Don't start thinking you're somehow more special than Feliciano or Antonio or whatever. Do you think I'm a masochist? I'd never spend this much time with you if I hated it, dammit.”

For a moment, Gilbert stared at him with a puzzled expression, like he was trying to solve a particularly complex equation in his head. Then a pleased grin spread on his face, and he tossed some sand at Lovino's toes, like he suddenly didn't know what to do with his hands anymore.

“D-damn, stop looking so stupid! Why is this suddenly so important to you?”

“No reason. You're just so hard to read. You should work on your people skills if even someone as amazing as me is having trouble understanding you.”

“You're the only one who has ever asked me a stupid question like that. That says more about you than me. But if you're really that damn insecure about yourself, I guess you can, uh... buy me an ice cream later.”

“Hey! Shouldn't you buy me one?”

“You're the one who started this.”

Lovino wasn't sure for how much longer they would have continued their ridiculous bickering if it hadn't been for Feliciano who chose that moment to return. Curiously, Michela wasn't with him.

“Did you somehow manage to lose your gilrfriend, idiot?”

“When she said we'd go for a walk, she actually meant jogging. That's too exhausting, so I told her I had a tummy ache and came back.” Feliciano let out a relieved breath and sat down on one of the towels to enjoy the sun.

“You're an ass,” Lovino said.

“But I don't like exercise! I don't want to hurt her feelings, so this is the option that keeps everyone happy.”

Lovino rolled his eyes and sat down beside his brother. “She probably saw right through your lies anyway.”

“I'll go swimming with her later, so it's okay.”

“I wish I had a camera and that you two were babies. You kind of look like twins. It would be a cute photo,” Gilbert said, making a mock-frame with his fingers and pretending to be taking their picture.

“Really?” Feliciano asked. “Everybody always says that we're nothing alike. When we were little, Lovino used to tell me that I was adopted and that nobody loved me.”

“Shut up! Don't tell him that!”

“Why not? It's funny now that we're older. And that other thing you did – No, don't throw sand at me! Please!”

For the next few moments, Lovino engaged in a silly fight with Feliciano who crawled under his towel to hide from him. If he hadn't been afraid of making his brother even dumber, he would have used Gilbert's toy shovel to hit him over the head. As it was, he was content with trying to throw sand into his hair until Feliciano had begged for mercy enough times.

Satisfied, Lovino was about to toss the shovel back to Gilbert, but he stopped when he noticed the way the other was looking at him and Feliciano. He was smiling, sure, but his grin was forced and crooked. It made him look ugly, but Lovino realised it also had to be the most honest expression he had ever seen on Gilbert's face.

He decided he didn't want to ask him what was wrong, not when Feliciano was there. Somehow, showing any concern for Gilbert when they had an audience felt strange.

The awkward moment was over when Antonio and Belle returned, soon followed by Michela. She went to dip her head in the sea to cool off and joined Feliciano on his towel.

“Are you feeling better?” she asked.

“It still hurts a little.”

“Aww, too bad. Maybe you should skip lunch.”

“What? No! I'm already feeling a lot better! I'll be fine soon! Honest!”

Feliciano and Michela volunteered to stay behind and watch over their bags while the rest of them went for a quick swim. They also didn't want Francis to be confused if he came back and everyone was gone.

The water was warm but still pleasantly cool against Lovino's skin. He wasn't much of a swimmer, but he enjoyed fooling around in the sea, as long as he didn't have to get his hair wet. That was why he couldn't take his eyes off Gilbert, he told himself. If he didn't know where the other was at all times, he would probably dive to grab his feet and pull him underwater.

“It's nice, isn't it?” Antonio asked and splashed some water at him.

“Yeah, but stop doing that! I don't want salt in my eyes!”

“Okay, sure. I'm so glad we came here,” Antonio said, but this was one of those moments when Lovino was sure his brain wasn't even trying to process what was being said to him as he didn't stop splashing the water. Lovino knew better than reply in kind because he was sure Antonio would only take it as an invitation to have a splashing battle.

“I'm going back to the shore if you don't stop!”

Belle paused her equally silly water fight with Gilbert to look at them. “Are you teasing Lovino again? If you want to play games, come over here!”

“I'm not teasing him.” This time, Antonio stopped. His interest in irritating others with water seemed to have waned since he didn't go over to Belle and Gilbert. “Wow, it's been too long since we all had fun together like this.”

Lovino grunted in response. A few moments later, Belle and Gilbert grew tired of their game and joined them. Gilbert couldn't understand why Lovino didn't want to shove his head underwater and refused to accept his explanation that seawater wasn't good for his hair.

“I don't want it to be all ugly and prickly like yours,” Lovino said.

“It's not like you could hope to imitate mine anyway. I was born with it.”

They spent some more time in the water, but after a while they agreed to go back to the shore. It was nearly lunchtime, and they wanted to get ready to go to the restaurant in case they had to wait to get a table.

They were already seated when Francis joined them again, and he wasn't alone. A pretty young woman was attached to his arm. Francis introduced her as Giovanna and said they had run into each other by accident and that it had been love at first sight. They invited her to lunch, and she and Belle had soon found many shared topics of interest.

“It didn't take you long,” Gilbert commented once the women had gone to the bathroom for a moment.

Francis shot him a disapproving glare. “Don't look at me like that. There's nothing wrong with a brief holiday romance. She told me she's a teacher, so her life must be awfully stressful. I'm going to make her feel special for a weekend, and then we'll part ways in perfect understanding.”

“It sounds like she deserves to have some fun,” Feliciano said.

“Exactly,” Francis said in a satisfied tone. “And that's why I'm going to ask a big favour of Gilbert and Lovino. Is there any way you two could share a room tonight so that I can have one for myself? Just in case Giovanna is in the mood.”

There was a brief moment of silence during which Lovino felt the desperate need to run, but he forced himself to remained seated and said, “Tch, if there's no other way. But you owe me a big one, bastard.” He could have refused, but somehow he didn't want the others to think he had a problem with sharing with Gilbert.

“Yeah, sure, that's totally fine!” Gilbert agreed with a laugh, and Lovino didn't know which one of them sounded more awkward. He was pretty sure Gilbert wasn't very enthusiastic about the arrangement either. Maybe he thought it was weird to share a room with someone who was into guys. Lovino felt a pang of disappointment at the thought. Being with Gilbert had been so natural as of late that he had been sure he was over his issues.

As for him, he wasn't sure why he was reluctant to share with him. It wasn't like anything stupid would happen, or that he wanted it to. There was just an unexplained knot in his stomach that made him nervous.

“I need to buy some fucking earplugs. You snore like hell.”

“No, I don't!”

Francis snorted. “Oh, yes, you do. Last night was torture on my ears.”

“That's how a man sleeps! It's not my fault you're so weak!”

“Tonight you had better stay up playing some dumb game on your phone until I've fallen asleep first.”

They didn't return straight away to the beach after lunch since the sun was directly above them. Even Antonio, who had the greatest tolerance for heat, found it unpleasant. Lovino was always sleepy that time of the day, especially if he had just eaten, so he declined when the others bought something cold to drink, and preferred to sit in shade and doze off.

He didn't know if he fell asleep at some point, but when he became properly aware of his surroundings again, the sun was no longer unbearable, and their group had split up again. Feliciano, Michela, Francis and Giovanna were nowhere in sight. Belle was asleep on a beach chair with a hat covering her face while Antonio and Gilbert were sipping juice and playing cards with two men he didn't recognise.

He sat up and stretched his arms. “Where are the others?”

“Michela wanted to take Feli swimming. Who knows about Francis and his new girlfriend?” Antonio said.

Gilbert tossed a card on the table. “I have no idea how he does that. No matter where we go, he finds someone gullible enough to give him the time of the day.”

“You sound jealous,” Lovino said.

“No, it's not the quantity but the quality that matters! And nobody beats me in quality!”

“Wow, you must be really good, then, because I can't remember you ever getting lucky,” Antonio said.

Gilbert let out an appalled noise. “How would you know? I don't need to report my experiences to anyone! In fact, I like to keep the details to myself because there are some things you just don't spread around.”

“Tch, you just can't admit that Italian women have a good taste and aren't desperate enough to let some German jerk take advantage of them.”

“Bullshit, chicks love me! The only reason I don't have two hanging onto my arms right now is that I've got standards. But if I see someone good enough tonight, I'm so bringing her back to the house.”

“If you want to make any progress, you had better not spend the evening with Lovino like you did all morning,” Antonio said and began to gather up the cards since the game was over.

“Yeah, well –” Gilbert started, but he cut himself off when his eyes caught something in the distance. “Hey, look. I wonder what's going on over there.”

Lovino turned around and saw that a lot of people were gathering together at the beach. A few were making wild gestures, and one ran away to where his bag and towels where. He dug out his phone and made a call.

“Looks like an emergency. Maybe someone had a heart attack,” Antonio said.

Gilbert hummed in thought. “We're on the beach. My money is on drowning.”

“If either of you starts making bets when someone could be dead, you're both sleeping outside tonight,” Belle said, sitting up and shielding her eyes from the sun as she began to observe the crowd as well.

As they watched, one more figure emerged from among the people and started to approach them. It didn't take long before Lovino recognised Francis.

“What happened over there?” Gilbert asked.

Francis didn't even acknowledge him. Instead, he turned to Lovino with an urgent look.

“You really should come. It's Feliciano. He –”

Lovino didn't hear the rest. He didn't feel the sand burn his feet as he raced to the crowd. He pushed people aside with an angry snarl, but he didn't understand his own words or what they said in response. He was probably too rough with the idiots who refused to move right away, but he didn't care.

If that idiot had gone and got himself hurt, or even – God, he didn't want to finish that thought.

Then he finally saw him. Feliciano was lying on his back on the sand, not moving. Someone was grouching by his face, blowing air into his lungs.

“Hey, you can't go there. You have to give them some space,” someone said and tried to grab his arm.

“He's my brother! Fuck you and –”

“Lovino!”

He hadn't even realised that Michela was there until she had thrown herself into his arms and was looking at him with frightened eyes. The sight of a familiar face cut through some of the haze in his panicked mind, and he instinctively pulled her closer.

“What – what happened?”

“I don't know! We were swimming, and suddenly I couldn't see him anywhere. And then he was there, but he wasn't moving, and I dragged him to the shore, but he's still not moving! What if he –”

Lovino shook his head. “No. He's going to be fine.”

He _had_ to be fine. Lovino was not going back home to tell his grandfather that his favourite grandson was dead. He wasn't going to get the bathroom all for himself in the morning, stop arguing about what kind of pasta they'd have for dinner, or start taking flowers for two when he went to the cemetery. He refused to even consider it because it just _couldn't_ happen.

The next few moments were the longest in his life. He kept repeating prayers in his mind, suddenly remembering countless from his childhood even though he had always been too lazy to learn them right. Though he refused to admit it, deep down he knew that each second that passed brought him closer to the possibility that he might have to go home alone.

Then Feliciano let out a gurgling cough, and the man who had been trying to revive him helped him to his side so that it would be easier for him to throw up. Relief washed through Lovino, and he was sure his legs would have given in under him if it hadn't been for the fact that Michela was there. At this point, he no longer knew which of them was supporting the other.

What happened next was a blur to him, and he wouldn't be able to give much of a description of it later. Someone had called the paramedics, and all Lovino could do was watch as they made sure Feliciano was alright. One of them came to talk to him once it was pointed out they were related and told him that everything seemed fine but that they should go straight to the hospital if anything appeared out of the ordinary, especially with his lungs. He replied mechanically to their questions and then immediately forgot what he had said or what had even been asked.

They took Feliciano to the closest bead & breakfast so that he could rest before they'd go back to the house. Giovanna said she knew someone who had a car and hurried off to find her.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Lovino asked as soon as Feliciano was lying down on a couch. “How is it possible for you to fuck up this badly?”

“But I didn't –”

“Shut up! How do you think I felt when I thought you'd been so dumb that you had drowned? What do you think Grandpa would say? And do you think I want to let some stranger come and work at the gelateria because you can't cover your shifts anymore?” He dug his fingers into the mattress as his voice cracked, and the rest of his words were thick due to his tears. “How can you be so fucking selfish?”

“I didn't do it on purpose! The water just swallowed me!”

“I don't care! You still shouldn't have done it!”

“Lovino...” Belle's hand appeared on his shoulder, but he swatted it away.

“You can't pull stunts like this! You aren't allowed to do anything like that and leave me! You're such an idiot, and you deserve to have your ass kicked until it comes out of your mouth!”

“I'm sorry!” Now Feliciano was crying as well, despite being too tired to do much more than lie where he was. Lovino couldn't remember the last time he had been this angry, scared and relieved at the same time, and throwing a fit was the only way he knew how to let it out. He figured they had to be an odd sight to the others. The two of them always cried when they were upset, and they got upset often.

“Hey, everything's fine,” Antonio said. “You don't have to cry.”

“Tell that to him!”

“He's the one who almost died.”

“So? That's the easy part! I'm the one who would have had to clean up the mess!”

He wasn't sure how long they kept bawling their eyes out, only that he called Feliciano every insult in his vocabulary until his throat was sore and he didn't have any more tears left. His brother alternated between apologizing and saying it wasn't his fault and he should stop being so mean. The ordeal left Lovino exhausted, and he could only imagine how Feliciano had to feel.

Maybe he shouldn't have been so hard on him. After all, he had almost died. It had to have left him frightened, and yet Lovino was so caught up in his own emotions that he didn't even know how to comfort him right.

“Do you think we should call your grandfather?” Belle asked once they had both calmed down a little.

“No. There's no point in making him worried. We'll let him know when we get back home,” Lovino said. He turned back to Feliciano. “And when we get back to the house, you aren't moving from your bed until it's time for us to leave.”

“Aww, but I wanted to –”

“Forget it. If you think I'm going to let you run around and develop some complications or get into another accident, think again. I don't need anyone blaming me if something happens to you.”

Though he was reluctant to leave Feliciano's side, Lovino knew Michela deserved a chance to be with him as well. He would have to thank her later. Without her, he'd be crying for an entirely different reason.

“Is the car here yet?” he asked.

Antonio shrugged. “I don't think so. Francis and Giovanna said they'd be back with it as soon as they can.”

“What about Gilbert? Where is he?”

“Huh, I don't know. I didn't even notice he left.”

“Figures. He's another idiot who only thinks about himself.” Lovino spent a moment assessing the situation. Feliciano was fine, and Michela was taking care of him anyway, but he still wanted him to bed as soon as possible. If Gilbert wasn't back by the time Francis and Giovanna arrived with the car, he'd have to give him a piece of his mind, and after everything that had happened, he wasn't feeling up to it.

“I'll go and find him,” he said. It shouldn't take too long, he reasoned, and he wanted to stretch his legs a little anyway.


	20. Chapter 20

Finding Gilbert didn't take as long as Lovino had feared. He was sitting on the stone wall that separated the beach from the near-by road, facing the sea. The bed & breakfast where the others remained was still in sight, but Lovino didn't think he'd get their attention unless he yelled.

“What are you doing here? We're almost ready to leave,” he said as he marched to him.

Gilbert shrugged. “Just wanted some fresh air. But what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Feliciano?”

“He's going to be fine.”

“Okay, good.”

Lovino waited a moment, but Gilbert made no move to get up.

“Aren't you coming?”

“Yeah, yeah, in a minute. You can go ahead.”

Something was wrong. Lovino wasn't sure how he knew it since Gilbert didn't look any different from usual, but he could tell. Maybe his words lacked the normal boost, or maybe his eyes didn't quite meet his when he spoke.

“What's wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit! You can stop it with that pathetic excuse of a grin. I'm not stupid. Something's bugging you. Feliciano already gave me enough things to worry about, and I'm not going to take the same shit from you. Tell me what's going on.”

Gilbert grabbed a small stone from his side and tossed it at the sand at Lovino's feet. “There's nothing going on. I guess what happened to Feliciano just made me think of Ludi and what I'd do if he almost died.”

“Oh,” Lovino said with a sigh of relief. That was normal. That was nothing to worry about.

“I mean, for all I know, he could be dead already! Without having seen his awesome big brother in ages!”

“And now you're being melodramatic. You said he calls you every day, right? So you know he's fine.”

Gilbert said nothing. Lovino waited a moment longer, but when there was still no answer, he realised that it wasn't as simple as he had thought. And he was pretty sure Gilbert wanted to talk about it since he wasn't putting up the usual display of pretending everything in his life was perfect. 

“Gilbert?”

“Haha, I may have exaggerated a little when I said every day. It's not really that often. More like... Sure, he's great, almost as amazing as me, but it would be pretty hard for him to call me when he doesn't have my number...”

“What?”

“I got a pre-paid phone card when I moved to Italy and never told Ludi the number.”

“And why the hell not?” Lovino stared at Gilbert, expecting a damn good answer. It wasn't that he cared that much about what was going on between Gilbert and his brother, but after the way Gilbert had gone on and _on_ about how close they were, this was not the kind of revelation he had been prepared for.

“That's a pretty long story.”

Lovino wondered what he should do. The incident with Feliciano had left him exhausted. He wasn't sure if he had the energy to listen to someone else's problems when he still hadn't digested the fact that his brother had almost died. On the other hand, he had a feeling that it was a rare moment when Gilbert was willing to open up, and if he turned him down now, he might never show him the same trust again.

“Hell,” he said and moved to climb on the wall by Gilbert's side. “The day is already ruined. I guess listening to your story can't make it any worse.”

“I don't know. This is pretty dumb. If I tell you, it might change your opinion of me as an awesome guy.” When Lovino's only reply was snorting, Gilbert was swift to continue, “No, I mean it! You might think I suck, and that would be stupid.”

“Listen, I already told you today that I like you. So stop this bullshit and just tell me what it is. Unless you murdered someone in Germany and are on the run, I doubt it's going to change the fact that I think you're a total pain in the ass but... but also a good friend. So get on with it already!”

There was a relieved ring to Gilbert's chuckle. “Okay, just don't spread it around. I haven't told this to anyone else. Anyway, this may come as a surprise because I'm so amazing with cars, but I wasn't actually a driver back home. My grandpa died some five years ago, and he left both me and Ludi this big-ass grant. Ludi's the responsible type, so he put his in the bank and continued with his studies, but do you know what I did?”

The first thought that crossed Lovino's mind was that Gilbert wasted his share on beer or gambled it away, but he knew better than to say it or they'd waste another few minutes bickering and fighting.

“No idea. What did you do?”

“I started my own company! It's kind of like a tradition. My family has never been noble or filthy rich or anything like that, but we've always had a nose for business. My dad took over grandpa's construction company and offered me a position, but I wanted to try something new and started a computer shop.”

“What, just computers?”

“Do you have any idea how many parts there are in a computer and how many ways there are to tune up one if you know how? The idea of my company was to appeal to gamers and other people who want a really good, fast and powerful machine, not those pieces of junk you buy at a supermarket.”

“Fine, I get it. You sold computers. How did it go?”

For the first time since he had found him, Lovino could tell that the grin on Gilbert's face was genuine.

“Great! My business boomed like crazy! Things kept getting better and better, and I guess that sort of got into my head a little. I devised this plan that would help me take out my competition. I was so full of energy; I was so sure nothing could stop me.” Gilbert let out a wistful sigh and crossed his hands behind his head.

“And then?” Lovino asked, somewhat dreading the answer. It was obvious that something had gone wrong.

“To put my plan into action, I had to take a pretty big loan and some other risks, but I figured I could handle it. But then it turned out I couldn't. I was pretty stubborn about it and fought bravely even when everything was lost, but there came a point when I just had to admit that I was too much in debt, couldn't deliver anything to the customers and had no way out.”

Gilbert pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them. “That was probably the suckiest time of my life. It was almost a relief when it all came to light because then I could stop pretending that everything was fine.”

“So, what happened? Did you run off to Italy to escape your problems or what?”

“No, what do you take me for? First I sold everything I had, like my awesome car. It wasn't enough, so I wasn't really sure what to do next, but then something incredible happened! Can you guess what?”

“Just tell me.”

“Ludi saved my ass! He took that grant he had been saving and paid all my debts, down to the last cent. And then he said I could live with him until I figured out what I was going to do. Bet you don't know too many people who'd do that.”

“What about your father? Wouldn't he have helped?”

“No idea. He's pretty strict, and he believes in this idea that you reap what you sow. I guess that's fair enough, but Ludi is a big softie, so he refused to leave me in trouble.”

“It sounds like he did you a damn big favour. Why didn't you give him your new phone number?”

“Come on! He already helped me so much! I'm the older brother, so I should be looking after him, not the other way around. I thought about it a lot during the week I lived with him, and I decided enough was enough. I was already the family's failure and there was very little I could do to make it worse, so I decided to hitchhike abroad, start over and return home when I could pay Ludi back.”

As Lovino listened to Gilbert's words and saw the fidgeting of his fingers, a hot, dreadful feeling began to weigh inside his chest. He didn't like where this was going. He could guess how Gilbert would answer his next question, and it made him sick.

“You mean you haven't had any contact with him since you left?”

“Eh, no. He would just keep nagging at me to come back. The same goes for everyone else. And I don't want to go back until I can do it without them thinking I'm a loser!”

“How long?”

“Huh?”

“How long have you been away from home?”

“Let's see... A little over a year.”

Lovino didn't realise he was moving until his fist had struck Gilbert in the jaw. It was a clumsy punch and didn't do much else than send the other flying to the sand below them. When pain began to burn his knuckles a moment later, he was pretty sure he had hurt himself more than Gilbert.

“What... what was that for?” Gilbert asked, staring at him with wide eyes and struggling to breathe after his lungs had been knocked empty.

“For being an asshole! What the hell is wrong with you? How can you do that to your family? How can you just leave?” Lovino's entire body was trembling with anger that surprised even him. It was hard to breathe, as if the air was suddenly scorching his lungs.

“What's your problem? It's not like –”

“You can't do that! Do you have any idea what they must be feeling? My parents pulled that shit on me and Feli and I...” He couldn't continue. He couldn't put into words the hurt and guilt he had carried over the years, the fear that he was so irrelevant that the people he loved would just walk out on him. If Gilbert could do that to his own family, he would do it to him in a heartbeat.

He jumped down, unable to sit still on the wall any longer. Gilbert was picking himself up from the sand and came over, frowning in confusion.

“What do you mean, your parents? Aren't they dead or something?”

“Go away!” Lovino grabbed a handful of sand and threw it at Gilbert when he wouldn't listen. At the back of his mind he knew he was being irrational and that he should calm down, but he couldn't. He'd almost lost Feliciano, and now Gilbert had said he was capable of abandoning the people he cared about without a second thought. It brought back too many memories of things that had happened and things he had only seen in his nightmares.

“Lovino? Lovino!”

He tried to push Gilbert away when the other came closer, but Gilbert caught a hold of his wrists and was able to hold him still with ease. He didn't do more than that, only stopped him from struggling until his breath flowed easier and he wanted to fall on his back on the sand.

“What's going on? Why are you so upset?”

Lovino wanted to snap that it was none of his business. He wanted Gilbert to go away so that he wouldn't see how difficult it was for him to fight against the moist stinging in his eyes. Somehow, he felt far more vulnerable now than when he had been crying at Feliciano's side, and he didn't want Gilbert to discover any more weak spots in him.

But he didn't snap at him. Instead, he told him about his parents and how they had left him and Feliciano with their grandparents and had never come back. The words poured out of him, as if he was afraid that time was running out and something might remain trapped inside him.

“I hate them so much... and yet I want... I want them to come back and say they're sorry,” he said, too tired and confused to realise what he was talking about until it was too late. Oh, fuck, _fuck,_ what was he doing? He had only admitted that to his grandmother and had sworn nobody else would ever know, not his grandfather, not Feliciano, not Heracles.

Gilbert let go of his wrists and sat down on the sand.

“I guess that's –”

“Never mind.”

“Huh?”

“I said, never mind! I didn't really mean that. I was just talking shit because I was angry. Forget it.”

“Which part? That you hate them or that you want them to come back?”

Lovino didn't know what to say. Both were such ugly, painful emotions, and he would have much rather forgotten he even had parents. Usually, he had no problem maintaining that illusion, but now Gilbert had turned out to be a total dick and had shown him that his wounds weren't as healed as he liked to think.

“You shouldn't worry about your parents. It sounds like they're shitheads,” Gilbert continued.

“Just like you!” Lovino snapped. “You did the exact same thing!”

“No, I didn't! I'm not gone for good. I'll go back as soon as I can do it with my head held high. And besides, parents should never abandon their kids because kids need them. Nobody's life is a wreck just because I left.”

“How do you know?”

“Well, they're adults, even if Roderich is a total loser, and –”

“If your brother paid off all your debts like that, he must really care about you! How do you think he felt when he noticed you're gone? Or did you even consider that?”

“Ludi's strong. He'll manage. Just between you and me, it's been years since he needed me for anything.”

Lovino wanted to punch him again, or maybe wrap his fingers around his throat and strangle him until he turned blue. 

“Do I have to knock some more sense into you, or what? Family is not important because of some practical need! Or is that a German thing?”

“I know that!” Gilbert grabbed a handful of sand and poured it back to the ground. “It's not like it was easy to do, but you don't know what it was like. Ludi's career was just kicking off, Roderich has somehow tricked people into paying over a hundred euros for a ticket to his concert and so on. I'm the only one who failed at what he tried to do.”

“So what you're saying is that you left because you're jealous and your ego couldn't handle the blow?”

Gilbert's glare was so angry that Lovino was sure he was at least partly right. He should have been even more upset by that realisation, but he couldn't bring himself to. He had already been through so much disappointment and anger that day.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

He received no answer. The wind had picked up and was now ruffling their hair as they sat on the sand.

“You need to call him,” he continued. “If you don't, I'm never talking to you again.”

“I guess. And if he has any sense in his head, he's going to be super glad to hear from his awesome brother, but what if he isn't? What if he's mad? Or... what if he...”

Even though Gilbert didn't finish, Lovino had no trouble guessing what he meant. “Of course he's going to be happy. If he spent that much money to save your ass, there's no other possible reaction.”

“Haha, I suppose so.” Gilbert was quiet for a moment. “And you? Do you think I'm a piece of shit now?”

“Take a guess. Of course I do! And – Hey! No need to look so fucking disappointed! I've always thought that way about you, so it's not like my opinion is getting any worse.”

“That's not making me feel much better.”

“You don't deserve to feel better before you've called your brother and told him you're fine.” Lovino huffed, kicking at the sand with his feet. “And you know... I guess you haven't noticed this because you're such a dumbass, but I'm not really the easiest person to be around. If you've tolerated me this long, it's not like I can expect perfection in return, dammit.”

“But I'm pretty close to perfect, right?”

“Far from it!”

Gilbert laughed and fell on his back on the sand, closing his eyes. “Now I feel kind of nice,” he said.

“Why?”

“I don't know. I should be upset that my big secret is out, but I'm not. Maybe I'm relieved there's one person I don't have to lie to anymore.”

“What do you mean one? Aren't you going to tell the others?”

“No, not yet. Maybe if Ludi is happy to have me back. But if he tells me to go to hell, then I'm just going to keep on living like usual.”

“He's not going to tell you that.”

“Mmh.”

“He's not! And if by some chance he is, I'll go and and kick his ass so hard they're going to have to look for it in Siberia!”

“Haha, thanks! You know, if you want to cry about your parents on me, you can do it now,” Gilbert said and gave his stomach a few welcoming pats.

“Like hell. That's old shit. I haven't cried about that since I was ten.”

“Bullshit.”

“Fuck you.”

“Do you think we should start getting back? I bet the others are wondering where we are.”

Lovino turned to look into the direction of the bed & breakfast. He couldn't tell if any of the people walking around it were their friends, but he knew Gilbert was right. He picked himself up from the ground, brushed at his shorts to get rid of the sand and told Gilbert to follow him.

They had an unspoken agreement that they wouldn't mention anything to the others about their... whatever it had been. Lovino wasn't sure if he'd call it a fight or a heart-to-heart talk or both, and he didn't really feel like dwelling on it. What mattered more was getting Feliciano back to the house and sending someone to the grocery store because he was going to cook both his brother and Gilbert's favourites that evening.

***

The kitchen was filled with the happy bubbling of the potato soup that Gilbert had told him he'd like to eat. The smell wasn't as bad as Lovino had feared, but he told Gilbert he was about to throw up every time the other popped his head inside to see when it was done. The rest of them would have pasta, but he hadn't got started yet. He'd get the water boiling soon, and in the meantime he'd cut the vegetables for the sauce he wanted to make.

Antonio and Michela had offered to help him cook, but he had turned them down. He wanted a moment to himself, and letting his hands do the familiar work while his mind mulled over the day's events was exactly what he needed.

The sound of someone stepping inside broke his concentration.

“I told you the stupid soup isn't done yet, so go away!”

“It's me,” Feliciano said, and Lovino whirled around, holding an onion.

“You're supposed to be in bed!”

“I don't want to! I feel fine already. Michela massaged my head, so it doesn't hurt anymore.”

“So? You should still go back. The paramedics said you need rest.”

“I'll rest at night. I want to help you cook.”

“No! Go away!”

Feliciano came over to the counter, as if he hadn't even heard his words. He took another knife from the drawer and began to peel an eggplant. He hummed under his breath as he worked, and the sight of him was so normal that Lovino couldn't bring himself to yell at him anymore. If only a few details had happened differently, Feliciano wouldn't have been there to help him.

“What's that you're making for Gilbert? It's smells disgusting.”

“Some stupid potato soup. He found me a German recipe on the Internet.”

“Yuck. Why are you making it?”

“Uh... He... We had this stupid bet, and he won! So I have to make whatever crap he demands, just this one time.”

“Oh. Well, it's still kind of nice of you. I think something's wrong with him. He's been looking a little depressed ever since we came back from the beach.”

“And whose fault do you think that is? Everyone has been feeling down because of you!”

Feliciano frowned at his eggplant. “It's not fair to blame me! I didn't do it on purpose. And shouldn't we focus on the positive side instead? I'm fine!”

“Only thanks to Michela. From now on, you aren't getting anywhere near water without an inner tube.”

“Lovino! You're blowing it out of proportion!”

“Looks like I have to because you don't seem to give a shit! Are you so dumb that you don't realise that you almost died?” The onion had turned into mush by now, but Lovino still kept chopping it with his knife, wanting to take his frustration out on something.

“Of course I do,” Feliciano said, his voice suddenly small and quiet. “I actually remember some of it pretty well. It wasn't a big wave, and when it took me, I could see the surface and the sunlight and Michela's legs. I tried to find my footing and get back up, but it wasn't working, so I panicked, and then all the air was gone. I knew I was going to die. It was scary.”

Lovino glanced at Feliciano. The other was staring at the eggplant, like he was talking to it instead of him. Somehow, that irritated Lovino more than anything else that had happened that day, but the anger wasn't directed at Feliciano. He was furious at himself because if he had been a better brother over the years, Feliciano would be saying all of this straight to him. He was a direct person. He could pour his heart out to complete strangers, and yet he was having trouble facing his own brother.

“Yeah, well, you didn't die. Didn't you just say we should focus on the positive?” he grumbled.

“And that's what I'm doing! But you asked, so I had to answer. I know how serious it was. And that's why I want to ask you a question, too.”

“What is it?”

“If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you say to me right now if this was the last time we could talk?”

“W-what?” Lovino almost cut his finger off as the knife slipped. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Don't get angry! It's just that when I thought I was going to die, I was sorry that I couldn't talk to you or Grandpa again. It would have been nice to say goodbye.”

“Don't – don't talk like that! That's so dumb; I don't want to hear that!”

“But don't you at least want to hear what I would have said? Doesn't it matter?”

Feliciano looked heart-broken. His face was scrunched up, and Lovino knew it would take only a few moments before the waterworks started. He felt a momentary sense of panic, but then he wiped his hands on a towel and took a step closer to his brother.

“Dumbass. Come here.” 

Feliciano threw himself at him and buried his face against his chest, his shoulders heaving. He slid his hands under Lovino's arms and up his back to clutch at him like he was afraid he'd sink through the floor if he didn't have anyone to hold onto.

“I don't need to hear what you would have said, stupid. It's pretty clear every damn day how you feel, so you don't have to say anything.” Lovino was a little surprised to realise that he meant what he said. All his life, he had known that he needed Feliciano more than Feliciano needed him. Sometimes it was painfully obvious in the way his brother ignored him in favour of his friends or said something so inconsiderate that it left Lovino angry for days. But now it was Feliciano who needed comfort and reassurance, and he had come to _him._

“Yeah, but –”

“You aren't dead, and you aren't going to die any time soon. You're going to grow old and have a hundred grandkids who will trample all over my tomato fields and piss me off.”

Feliciano sniffled. “You don't have a tomato field.”

“I'm going to buy one, if for no other reason then for your brats to have some place where they can play. And now you're going to forget this whole thing.” Despite his words, he held him close for a while longer, knowing that him being able to show such affection and Feliciano looking for it from him didn't happen every day.

“Now, are you done bawling?” he asked.

“Don't talk to me like that. You're crying, too.”

“No, I'm not. It's just the onions. Or toxic fumes from Gilbert's soup.”

“Liar!”

“Either you go back to bed, or you shut up and help me finish cooking! It's up to you.”

Feliciano's smile was the only answer he needed. They returned to cutting the vegetables, though Feliciano did the opposite of shutting up. Lovino found that he didn't mind this time.

***

“Lovino? Lovino!”

“Hnnng... Go away.”

Lovino buried his face into his pillow and did his best to ignore the voice that kept calling out his name. He was tired, dammit! It was still dark, and that meant it was too early to get up. His groggy brain was too exhausted to recall all the details of the previous day, but there was a feeling of having waded through shit up to his knees, so he was sure he had deserved his rest.

“Lovino! Get up!”

The voice refused to stop, and bit by bit, it kept breaking through Lovino's defences until he had no other choice but to admit he had been forced awake. He sat up, trying to see something in the dark room. In the faint moonlight coming in through the window, he could make out a familiar form grouched by the side of his bed.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked when he realised it was Gilbert. Giovanna had been very interested in staying with Francis, so the two of them were sharing a room, as agreed. “Why are you waking me up in the middle of the night?”

“I just called Ludi!”

“What? What time is it?”

“Three in the morning.”

“And in Germany?”

“The same.”

“Why the hell did you call him now? Couldn't you wait?”

“No! I couldn't sleep because I just kept thinking about what you said, and then I just had to call him! It was a do-it-now-or-die situation.”

“Whatever. What did he say?”

“At first he thought it was a prank call. But then he must have recognised my voice. Then he said nothing, and I was starting to get worried, but it turned out he was just so surprised that he lost his voice. When he got it back, he asked me if I was fine.”

Lovino wasn't really interested in a word by word repetition of the conversation, but he didn't interrupt Gilbert as he told him about what his brother had said, how he had said he missed him, which apparently wasn't something Ludwig said easily. Gilbert's voice was thick with relief as he told him that he hadn't been angry.

“But I bet that's just because he was in shock. He's going to scold the shit out of me when he gets here,” he finished.

“He's coming here?”

“Yeah! As soon as he heard where I was, he said he'd come see me. He's bringing Kati, too. Ludi couldn't say when yet, but he's aiming for next week.”

“See? I told you there was nothing to worry about.”

Gilbert let out a shaky laugh. “I wasn't really worried. I knew Ludi looks up to me too much to hate me.”

“Bullshit. You were scared as hell,” Lovino said with a snort. Gilbert didn't argue, and that proved just how much he had feared a negative reaction from his brother. And he had woken him up in the middle of the night, just to share the good news with someone. 

He gave Gilbert a poke with his leg. “Go back to bed.”

“I can't. I'm too happy.”

“That had better not mean that you're going to sit there all night and bug me. I want to sleep.”

“I guess I'll go watch TV in the living room or something. They always have the best shit on this time of the night. But before that, uh...”

“What?”

“I just wanted to say thanks! I probably wouldn't have called him if you hadn't told me to. I thought I was doing the right thing when I kept hiding, but I guess I was just ashamed of myself and wanted to live without any reminders of my mistakes and pretend that everything was fine. But it's okay, right? Someone as great as me is allowed to be wrong every once in a while. Otherwise people might get used to how great I am and stop appreciating it.”

Lovino was suddenly glad the room was dark. The gratitude and happiness in Gilbert's voice were so real, and he could do nothing against the hot blush that rose to his face and made him feel uncomfortably warm. Who knew positive attention from him could feel so nice?

“Tch, think nothing of it. You turned out to be a bigger dick than I thought, so I had to do something.”

“Hah, I guess that means that you –” Gilbert started, but he cut himself off before he could finish. A strange silence fell between them until it was broken by the sound of Gilbert rising up to his feet. “I guess I'll go and watch that TV now. Goodnight.”

“Sure.”

Lovino lay awake for a while. He knew what kind of joke Gilbert had been about to make. What he couldn't understand why he had suddenly stopped. Friends could tell dick jokes around each other, right? There was nothing odd about it. 

But if so, what was he doing, lying here and feeling so weird about something that hadn't even happened?


	21. Chapter 21

The house was quiet when Lovino woke up, and one glance at his phone told him that it was barely seven and that he could go back to sleep since they had no plans for the morning. However, his throat felt like sandpaper, so he decided to make a quick trip to the kitchen.

Gilbert was still asleep, snoring contently and hugging his covers that he had turned into a messy bundle in his arms, like he was hugging another person. Maybe he was dreaming of his brother, Lovino thought as he slipped out of the room and tried to make as little noise as possible.

The floor tiles were pleasantly cool against his feet, even though he could already feel it in the air that it would be a hot day.

He poured himself a glass of juice and sat down in the kitchen. It was the last day of their brief holiday, and their original plan had been to spend a few more hours at the beach and then take a train to Rome so that they'd be back home in the evening. However, after what had happened to Feliciano, nobody wanted to go to the seaside anymore.

The sound of bare feet on the floor made him turn his head, just in time to see Michela step into the kitchen.

“Morning,” she greeted him.

“Good morning.” He stood up to get her a glass before she could ask for one and filled it with the fruit juice he knew she liked. “I hope the idiot didn't bother you at night. He gets nightmares every time something bad happens.”

“He only woke up twice. It's okay.”

Lovino couldn't help but feel a little jealous of the fact that she had been there to look after him. Normally, Feliciano would have run straight to him and invited himself to his bed. He knew it was only natural that he looked for comfort in Michela since they were together and that it didn't mean he cared any less about him, but he'd never been very good at being sensible about his emotions.

“How much longer are you going to stay in Italy?” he asked.

“I don't know. I've been meaning to apply for citizenship through my mother, but it's all open at the moment. Dual citizenship is a little difficult back home.”

“So, you want to stay?” He certainly hoped so. If she never left, there would be no danger of her taking Feliciano with her. He didn't know what his brother would do if he had to choose between love and family, and he didn't want to find out.

“Sure, why not? I just need to find a job where I can actually use my degree. The sports shop is fun, but it doesn't really cut it.”

Lovino hummed in sympathy. Feliciano had told him she had studied Business Administration, and at first he had thought he was joking. But the more he got to know Michela, the easier it was to see how sensible she was underneath the bubbly energy and excitement. Feliciano was lucky to have someone like her who didn't mind his cluelessness but also didn't take advantage of it.

That thought somewhat eased the heavy feeling in his stomach, and he forced all dark thoughts to the back of his mind for the rest of the day. They had a late breakfast and fooled around the house, watching TV, lying on the floor when it became too hot elsewhere and trying to bribe and blackmail each other into going out to get ice cream for everyone.

Giovanna left early since she needed to prepare a couple of things for work. She and Francis exchanged phone numbers, but Lovino could tell it was only to be polite and to give their goodbyes a positive aftertaste. He doubted either of them would ever call the other.

Over the course of the day, Lovino found himself keeping an eye on Gilbert. He thought back to what had happened at night and kept waiting for him to tell the others that his brother was coming, but Gilbert was acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary. He was loud; his laughter and jokes could be heard even when he was in a different room.

Lovino considered confronting him about it, but then he decided he had spent enough time worrying about other people when he was supposed to be relaxing. He let himself be pulled into Gilbert's babbling and didn't say anything even when they were alone in the kitchen and emptying the fridge of their things.

Gilbert tossed the last of the empty cartons into the garbage bag. “It sure was fun. We should do this more often.”

“If you'll pay, sure.”

For a brief moment he wondered if he shouldn't have said that, considering what he knew of Gilbert's financial failures. But the other didn't seem bothered, and there was nothing fake about his amused snort and the promise that he'd treat them all once he won the Eurojackpot. Lovino wasn't sure when he had learned to read him that well, but he was glad everything seemed to be fine.

***

Heracles was waiting for him at the station when the train arrived. Lovino had sent him a message earlier, telling him when he'd be back, but he hadn't asked him to come and greet him. Spotting him on the platform made his heart feel like someone had given it a pleasant nudge.

“Hey, there, dumbass,” he said.

Heracles took a step closer like he wanted to greet him with a hug or a kiss, but Lovino shoved his bag into his hands and stopped him. He knew Heracles wouldn't carry it for him even if he asked, but he didn't want to get too touchy-feely when there were so many people around.

The rest of their group stepped out of the train, all full of tired laughter and relief that they were back home. Antonio greeted Heracles with an enthusiastic wave of his hand.

“Hey, Heracles! We had such a great trip! You should have been there,” Antonio said.

“I'll try to make it next time.”

“We'll force you if you try to walk out on us again.” Antonio gave Gilbert a shove with his elbow. “That's right, huh?”

“What? Yeah, sure! You have to be there next time!”

Their group soon scattered into different directions. Feliciano said he could take Lovino's bag home because he'd no doubt want to spend the evening with Heracles and it would be bothersome to drag his things around. Lovino agreed, though the weekend had left him so exhausted that part of him just wanted to go home and collapse to bed.

Goddammit. Weren't holidays supposed to leave one feeling relaxed?

“Did you get your book done?” he asked as they began walking towards the entrance.

“Yes, but it's only the first draft. I'll have to see what the editor says about it.”

“You think it turned out good?”

“Some sections don't work at all, but I didn't feel like doing anything about them. I'll fix them in the next version.”

Lovino let out a hum of agreement. For a moment, they walked in silence until they reached the closest bus stop. He tried to come up with something to say, but it was as if his mind had been blown empty. Only a weekend had passed, and yet it was strangely difficult to keep a casual conversation with Heracles going on. 

“What do you want for dinner?” he asked, irritated himself for having to resort to something that mundane.

“I cooked too much yesterday. We can eat the leftovers.”

“Sure.”

Lovino collapsed on Heracles' bed as soon as they made it to his apartment. He closed his eyes and listened to the sounds Heracles made in the kitchen as he looked into the fridge and checked that they had enough food. His steps came to the other room, and Lovino felt his weight join him on the bed.

“Is something wrong?” Heracles asked.

“I'm fucking tired.” Then, feeling like he was being unnecessarily rude, Lovino continued, “Feliciano almost drowned, and I still don't really know how to get over that. And Gilbert was such a dick that I don't –”

“What did he do?”

Lovino opened his eyes at the strange tone of Heracles' voice and turned to look at him. “Was selfish and inconsiderate, as usual. But I knocked some sense into him, and he's fixing it.”

“You didn't say what he did.”

“It's pretty personal, so I can't give you the details, but it's his brother. He's coming here some time, so maybe you'll get to see him.”

“Oh,” Heracles said and leaned a little closer. “I thought he did something to you.”

“Like what?”

“I don't know. He seems so direct. I wouldn't put it past him to say something that would hurt you.”

Lovino knew it probably wasn't the right reaction to his boyfriend showing concern for him, but the only way he could respond to that was let out a snort and laugh and bury his face against Heracles' chest.

“Gilbert's a dick, but he's not mean. And if I don't like something he says, I'll let him know. He's not a problem.” As he spoke, Lovino was surprised to realise how much he meant his words. It was hard to imagine that there had been a time when he hadn't even wanted to talk to Gilbert. Now he couldn't imagine his life without him, though it was impossible to say if Gilbert had become less annoying or if he had just built up his tolerance level.

“Alright. Now tell me what happened to Feliciano.” Heracles slid his arm under Lovino's neck so that he could use him as a pillow and rested his head against him. It was comfortably warm, and Lovino closed his eyes again. He tried to stay awake long enough to explain Feliciano's accident, but at some point he drifted to a peaceful sleep.

***

Lovino woke up to the smell of cooked rice and vegetables that was so appetizing that he didn't mind the fact that he was now alone in bed. He shifted to make enough noise so that Heracles would notice he was up.

“I'm having dinner in bed tonight,” he announced when Heracles poked his head into the room.

“As long as you'll clean whatever mess you make. I don't want to sleep on pepper tonight.”

“I know how to eat, dammit. Just bring it here already.”

Heracles handed him a plate with the rice dish he had warmed. He went back to the kitchen to get himself a serving and then joined him. Whatever awkwardness Lovino had sensed between them at the station was gone now – maybe he really had been just too tired – and he was content with leaning into Heracles and snatching a forkful from his plate every now and then because he had more vegetables.

“I wish you had been there. The house was really nice.”

“I'm sorry. I'll try to make it next time.”

“Hey, I'm not mad or anything! You had a good reason, so don't apologize. And I had fun even without you, so you didn't ruin anything.”

“I like it when you're self-sufficient.” 

“When am I not?”

“Sometimes you have these moments when you can't even get out of bed and need me to bring food to you.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“Be my guest. It's your turn to top.”

“No, yours! I did it last time.”

Heracles pressed his face into Lovino's hair. “I'm pretty sure it was me.”

“You remember wrong. It's been an eternity because you kept working on your book, so it's no wonder your brain is fried.”

Lovino tried to put his nearly empty plate on the floor, but it proved difficult since he was on the side of the bed that was closer to the wall, and Heracles' hands had got busy exploring his chest.

“At least wait until – fuck, now look what you did! I'm not cleaning that up since it was your fault.”

“Leave it. The cats will eat it off the floor.”

Before Lovino could decide whether that was nasty or practical, Heracles had pulled him back on the bed and started to unbutton his shirt with vigour that was unusual for him. Lovino didn't complain. He wasn't sure if he was in the mood at the moment, but he was willing to indulge the other if he'd do most of the work. 

And besides, if Heracles was going to be this full of energy all the way through, he'd get into the mood in no time.

“What's with this? You always this horny when you're done writing a book?”

“You could say that. I'm used to regular sex, so if I go a long time focusing on something else, it leaves a void that needs to be filled.”

“You're hopeless,” Lovino muttered, but then Heracles' lips were on his neck, and he decided he liked where this was going. When Heracles rolled on top of him, he lifted his knee up between his legs and applied just enough pressure to make the other draw in an abrupt breath.

The sex they ended up having was faster than was usual for them. Lovino didn't mind; he enjoyed an occasional rough edge and the feeling when there was nothing else in the world but the hard length pounding him into the mattress. Normally, Heracles had the habit of stopping in the middle of things to think out loud when he had a sudden epiphany, but this time there were hardly two connected words out of his mouth before they were done.

“If it's going to be like this after every writing project, you had better become damn prolific,” Lovino said afterwards, enjoying the pleasant, relaxed feeling in his muscles.

“It might be too exhausting to live through extreme contrasts like that.” Heracles grew silent for a moment, as if to reconsider Lovino's words. “On the other hand, a life with nothing but writing and sex doesn't sound that bad...”

“It sounds boring.”

“I thought you'd like that. A simple life in the countryside. Isn't that what you always say you want?”

Lovino pursed his lips in thought and let his eyes wander around the apartment. “Yeah, but simple doesn't have to mean boring. I want stuff to do, and there should be surprises as long as they're nice and... I don't know. I don't want to feel stale.”

It was true, he realised with some surprise. Everyone else was working their way towards something. Antonio and Belle had got married and were trying to make their life more stable to start a family. Feliciano might go to art school in a year or two. Giorgio would return home when he had learned the craft. Michela wanted to find a better job and settle down in Italy. Francis would move back to Bordeaux and start his own boutique once he had finished his training. There was no telling what direction Gilbert's life would take if he managed to make peace with his family.

But when Lovino imagined himself in five years' time, he couldn't name a single thing that would be different from the present. He'd still be working at the shop, living at home, hopefully be together with Heracles and most likely not any closer to owning that little farm that had taken shape in his dreams. Because that was all he did – he dreamed about it, but he didn't do anything to make it come true.

He wasn't ambitious by nature, so for as long as he had a place to live and enough to eat, he wouldn't consider his life wasted. However, if everyone else found something new and exciting, what would happen to him? Would they still have time for him when they had family and interesting careers?

“You should travel with me next time I need new material. Seeing the world is healthy and makes you see everything from a different perspective,” Heracles suggested.

“Too bothersome. It's got to be a pretty special guy who can drag me beyond Italy's borders, and I'm not yet sure if you are.”

Heracles let out a short hum. “I bring you food to bed, and the sex is good. What more do you need?”

“I'll let you know when I come up with something,” Lovino grumbled, annoyed at himself. What the hell was he even talking about? Heracles was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He had taken his mind off Antonio and Belle and given him the time to get over them, they got along and rarely fought, and it was easy to talk to him and let his guard down. He finally had a relationship that made him happy, so he shouldn't even joke about wanting something more.

Heracles yawned and tried to find a better position on the bed. “As long as it's something manageable.”

“Forget it. I was just kidding, dumbass.”

“I know.”

***

The following day, Lovino and Feliciano took over at the shop in the middle of the morning shift to pay their grandfather and Giorgio back for covering for them for the entire weekend. It was a busy day as there was some kind of street show behind the corner, and plenty of tourists came to buy something during it.

“I'm going to die before today is over,” Lovino muttered under his breath when they had a rare moment of no customers at the counter.

“We should be glad. Giorgio said the weekend was pretty slow.”

“Yeah, because I wasn't here. I'm the best-looking of us.”

Feliciano chuckled. “And now you sound like Gilbert. You spend too much time with him.”

“No, I don't!”

And speak of the devil, Gilbert marched inside only a few minutes later, a wide grin on his face and looking like he was the owner of the world. Either he was on a break or had just got off work since he was wearing a suit and had his hair sliced back, even if a few strands were already staging a mutiny and trying to break free.

He stopped at the display counter but never once even glanced at the selection of gelato behind it.

“Hey!” he announced and motioned for Lovino to get closer. “I'm going to make you a great offer.”

“I'm the one who makes the offers here. Buy something if you want to talk to me when I'm on duty.”

Gilbert dug out his wallet without a complaint and bought a banana cone. He held it in his hand, letting it melt because he was apparently more interested in talking than eating it.

“Anyway, about my offer! I'm giving you the privilege of accompanying me to the airport when I go pick up Ludi!”

“Ooh, is your brother coming here?” Feliciano asked and dashed to the counter. “I can't wait to meet him! When is he coming?”

“Next week!”

“Is it his first time in Rome? Yes? Then we have to show him so many places! How long is he staying? Only a few days? Aww, that's not enough!”

For a while, Lovino watched Gilbert and Feliciano babble excitedly at each other, and it struck him that he had never seen Gilbert this happy. If his smile were any wider, it might rupture his face, and he was having difficulties standing still, like he was full of energy that he didn't know what to do with all of it.

“Why do you need me at the airport?” he asked.

“Right,” Gilbert said, turning to face him. “Well, I figure you should be the first person to meet him since you're kind of the reason he's coming. It's an honour, so you can't say no!”

“Tch. Yeah, right.” It was obvious Gilbert was too nervous to go alone, even when it seemed that Ludwig was a saint and wouldn't bite his head off the moment he got off the plane. But Lovino made no mention of it, not wanting to make Gilbert so vulnerable when Feliciano was there.

“So, you're coming, right?”

“I guess, unless I have to work.”

“I'll make sure you won't! I'll tell Grandpa you have a serious appointment!” Full of enthusiasm, Feliciano turned his attention back to Gilbert. “You have to bring him here! Our gelato is the best, and you can't make him eat anything less!”

“Calm down, idiot. He's not here to see you. He's here for Gilbert.”

Gilbet laughed.“I don't mind! And of course I'll bring him here! And Kati, too. She loves this stuff.”

“Does Ludwig speak Italian?” Feliciano asked.

“I guess he might manage to do business at a vegetable stand or something, but don't expect anything more complex. His English is great, though.”

Feliciano frowned in disappointment. “But mine isn't.”

“Don't worry! I'll translate anything you want to say to him!”

Gilbert stayed for a while longer, telling them so much about Ludwig that Lovino soon felt he knew all there was to know about him before even having met him. He was sure Gilbert could have spent the entire afternoon there, but his break was ending, and even his ridiculous devotion to his kid brother wasn't a reason enough to be late.

“It's really nice that you're helping Gilbert,” Feliciano said once he had left.

“It's not like he gave me a chance to refuse!”

“You could have just said no. You do that all the time when someone asks you to do something.”

“Shut up, dumbass. That's not true.”

Feliciano's happy humming as he began to wipe the counter told Lovino what his brother's opinion was. He didn't want to pick up a fight, so he settled with fuming to himself and muttering angry words under his breath when he was sure Feliciano would hear. But he wasn't in a bad mood, and he found himself a little flattered that Gilbert had asked him to join him and not Antonio or Francis.


	22. Chapter 22

The terminal was filled with the chatter of countless people who had just arrived or were waiting for someone. Lovino hated being surrounded by such a crowd, especially since plenty of them were foreigners. Their strange languages annoyed him, and he kept glaring in distaste at everyone who was wearing socks with sandals.

“His flight has already landed. He should be here any moment now,” Gilbert said, turning his eyes from the screen that was showing recent arrivals. “Do you see him anywhere?”

“I'm not sure I'll recognise him.” Sure, he'd seen the photo on Gilbert's fridge, but he didn't know how far that would take him. He'd probably have better luck spotting Ludwig's girlfriend since he had paid much more attention to her picture.

“Just look for the second hottest guy in the – hey, there he is! Look!”

Lovino followed Gilbert's gaze and spotted two blond heads in the crowd. They were looking around as well until the woman caught the man's arm and pointed into Lovino and Gilbert's direction.

“They saw us,” Gilbert said.

“You sound like you're going to shit your pants. Are you really that nervous?”

“No! I'm being calm and cool!” Gilbert shoved his hands into his pockets and tried to put a casual grin on his face, but Lovino thought he only looked like he was constipated.

Almost as soon as Gilbert's hands had made it into his pockets, he took them out again and waved in a wide arch. “Hey, Ludi!” And whatever he said after that sounded like a cat coughing up a furball, so Lovino didn't even try to find a familiar word in that string of nonsense.

The situation didn't change one bit and Ludwig and Kateryna reached them. Ludwig said something in German, awkwardly balancing two suitcases and a jacket in his hands, a small smile tugging at his lips as he addressed Gilbert.

Well, dumbass, aren't you going to drop the stupid luggage and give your brother a hug, Lovino thought, glaring at Ludwig with all the heat he could muster. The idiot was just standing there with that hesitant look on his face and talking, and even that was a pitiful effort because even without understanding a word, Lovino could tell he was having trouble building complete sentences.

Not that Gilbert was doing any better. His hands were back in his pockets, and he was swaying back and forth on his feet, replying to whatever Ludwig was trying to say with bullshit of his own and an occasional short laugh.

“Goddammit, I shouldn't be surprised your entire nation is full of idiots,” Lovino grumbled and gave Gilbert a shove to the back.

“Hey! What are you doing?”

“Making things move since you're both too emotionally stilted to get shit done!”

It seemed Kateryna had the same idea because she took the suitcases from Ludwig's hands. She smiled at his confusion and gestured for him to follow Gilbert's example and take a few steps forward.

With the distance between them gone, it was as if some invisible barrier had disappeared with it. Gilbert made the first move and captured his brother in a mighty hug, and Ludwig mimicked him only a moment later. He muttered something against Gilbert's shoulder, and even though Lovino understood the language just as little as before, he was sure he knew what the words meant.

_“I missed you.”_

Lovino didn't want to feel like a third wheel, so he turned his attention to the woman who was accompanying Ludwig. Kateryna looked exactly like in the photo; she had a round, friendly face framed by short blond hair. She was a little taller than he had expected, but he supposed that was only a plus when she was dating a giant like Ludwig.

“Hi, I'm Lovino. Do you speak Italian?” he asked, praying that she did.

She offered him an apologetic smile. “I'm sorry. Do you speak English?”

“A little,” he said. It was ages since he had used English beyond simple conversations at work when they had tourists as customers. He could understand it pretty well, but saying something himself was the problem. He was sure he couldn't remember any words and that he'd make a fool of himself, and he hated looking like an idiot in front of pretty women.

“That's okay. I'm not the best either.”

“Mmh.” God, this sucked. He wanted to tell her jokes and funny anecdotes about Rome, but he was struggling with introductions, for fuck's sake. And then there were Ludwig and Gilbert, talking in their ugly language and acting as a reminder of the fact that Lovino's tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth.

“Okay, aren't you done yet?” he asked after a while had passed. Happy to see each other or not, it was rude to ignore everyone else for so long.

“Oh, right!” Gilbert stepped away from Ludwig and directed his attention to Lovino. He began to say something in German and presumably introducing him, but Lovino didn't want to have any of it.

“If you're going to talk about me, do it in a language I can understand, bastard.”

“Okay, but in the name of a fair game, that means no Italian for you. From now on, only English for everyone! And now let's try this again.” Gilbert grabbed Ludwig's arm and dragged him closer to Lovino, forcing them to shake hands. “Ludi, this is Lovino! He's my buddy, and he was so eager to see you and Kati that he insisted on coming along.”

“No! I... you... I mean –” But Lovino wasn't prepared to defend himself in a foreign language without any preparation and couldn't get half a sentence in before Gilbert continued his introductions.

“And this is Ludi, my cute kid brother!” Gilbert reached up to mess Ludwig's perfectly sliced back hair. “Haha, I haven't done this in ages! Feels good! But remember, Lovino, only I and Kati are allowed to do this to him.”

“I wish you wouldn't,” Ludwig said and swatted Gilbert's hand away. “But in any case, it is a pleasure to meet you.”

“Yeah, sure. ”

Ludwig's hand was like a vice, so Lovino was glad when he let go. It was too early to say what he thought of him, but he could already tell he and Gilbert weren't very alike.

“This is Kateryna Vladimirovna Liashenko. She's my –”

“Don't be so formal, Ludwig! He can call me Kati like everyone else.”

“Yeah, I can do that.” Lovino had already forgotten most of her full name anyway.

“Let's get going. I have to finish the rest of my shift after I've taken you to the hotel, and Lovino has stuff to do, too.” Gilbert picked up both of the suitcases and began to carry them outside, full of energy and doing his best to look like they weren't too heavy for him.

Gilbert had borrowed the car he drove for work, so they didn't need to take the train or a taxi to the city. The trip wasn't as awkward as Lovino had feared. He sat in the back with Kateryna, so he didn't have to worry about talking with Ludwig whose presence made his language skills seem even worse than they were. He couldn't help but think that Ludwig expected perfection, and that made him nervous to open his mouth around him.

“It was really nice of you to come and greet us,” Kateryna said.

“It's nothing. Gilbert needs someone to look after him or he'd mess everything up. I'm sure he wouldn't have even found the airport without me.”

“He gets like that when he's excited,” she said, and Lovino realised that he didn't need to say anything about Gilbert to her. She already knew him, probably better than he did. She must have been part of Gilbert's life longer than him. 

Somehow, that thought didn't make him happy. He felt like strangers had let themselves into his home and were making themselves comfortable without his consent.

“So, what do you do?” he asked to keep some polite conversation going on.

“I'm a paediatrician.”

“Oh, a kids' doctor, right? That must be interesting.”

“It's a little rough sometimes, but it's also very rewarding.”

“I bet the parents are more trouble than the patients.”

Kateryna's laughter was warm. “Sometimes, yes.”

“Hehe, Ludi, you had better watch out or this Italian charmer will steal your girlfriend! He's rarely this friendly.”

“Can't you ever open your mouth and not say something stupid?” Lovino snapped.

Ludwig seemed to share his sentiments since he directed an exasperated look at his brother. But he didn't appear angry, and there was some amusement in his voice when he said, “You haven't changed at all.”

“Did you think I would?”

“I didn't know what to expect. You disappeared for a year and...” Ludwig drifted off, and Lovino guessed this was a conversation he and Gilbert would rather have in private.

“Anyway, I've always wanted to see Italy. I'm glad the weather is on our side,” Kateryna said and directed everyone's attention back to more mundane topics. She and Lovino chatted a little more, and he discovered that she had two younger siblings who were also living in Germany.

“Our family is originally from Ukraine, but we moved to Germany when I was fifteen because of my father's work.”

“Must have been a big change.”

“I didn't mind, but my brother had a hard time adjusting and finding friends. He was very sensitive when he was younger.”

Gilbert dropped him off near the gelato shop. Kateryna wanted to come and take a look once she heard Lovino's family had their own business, but Gilbert was already late, so Lovino promised he'd show her around some other time.

“Well? Well? How was Ludwig? Is he like Gilbert? Did you like him?” Feliciano asked as soon as he set foot inside the shop.

“I didn't talk to him much, but he seems like a total stick in the mud. So stop being so damn excited. I doubt you'll like him.”

“Aww, really? That's a shame. But maybe he's not that bad. You hated Gilbert at first, too, remember?”

“I don't _hate_ Ludwig!” Lovino snapped on his way to the back to change into his work clothes. “I just don't think I'm going to like him a lot. You'll see soon. I'm pretty sure Gilbert's going to bring them here tonight.”

“Oh, right, he brought his girlfriend. Is she pretty?”

“Yeah, gorgeous.”

“Then I'm jealous you got to meet her already!”

“You get to see Michela almost every day! What's there to be jealous of?”

Feliciano laughed and crossed his hands behind his head. “There are never enough pretty girls! I'd like to meet every single one in the world and say hello.”

“Be satisfied with the one you already have, idiot.”

“Oh?” Feliciano's smile turned mischievous. “So you didn't appreciate her at all because you have Heracles? Not even a little bit?”

“Of course I did! She's pretty and fun to talk to. She's also taken and has a boyfriend who could break your spine with his bare hands, so keep your flirting to yourself.”

“It's not flirting if I'm just nice to her!”

“Yeah, but who knows with those cold-blooded northerners? They may take it seriously, and the last thing I need is for you to end up in hospital with broken bones because then I'd have to do your work.”

“I don't think that's going to happen. Since he grew up as Gilbert's brother, he probably has tons of patience!”

“I don't know why the hell you only get logical thoughts when we're talking about women. For most guys, it's the other way around.”

Later that day, Gilbert sent him a text and said he wanted to bring Ludwig and Kateryna over for some gelato and that he had asked their friends to come if they had time. Apparently, Ludwig wanted to meet the people Gilbert had got to know during the past year. Feliciano told about the message to their grandfather, who then thought it was the perfect opportunity to make new friends and decided to close the shop early and bring food for everyone.

“Antonio can't make it, as usual,” Lovino grumbled.

“That's too bad. I hope he can meet Ludwig tomorrow. What about Heracles?”

Right. He should invite Heracles.

“I don't know. I think he might have heard back from his editor. His probably busy revising his book...”

“Don't give up without asking first! You can never know.”

Lovino grunted in agreement and began to write Heracles a message, feeling a little guilty. He should have thought to invite him right away.

***

They closed the shop at around seven. Lovino's grandfather had brought enough food for a small army, and Lovino suspected he had called in a lot of favours to get all of it within a few hours. When he pointed out it was a waste of time and effort to throw a party for a German none of them even knew, his grandfather brushed him off with a laugh and said that if they didn't like Ludwig, they could come up with some other reason to celebrate.

Heracles showed up just as they were preparing to close, carrying a thin bag under his arm.

“I'm sorry that I brought the laptop,” he said as he placed it on the counter. “My editor said she'd get back to me today or tomorrow. Can I use your Wi-Fi?”

“Sure. Give me a minute and I'll find the password somewhere. Not a lot of customers ask for it. So, does this mean you're going to be really busy again until the second draft is done?”

“I don't know. Depends on how much I have to revise. But it shouldn't be as bad this time.”

“I sure hope so,” Lovino grumbled. He waited a while for a response, but Heracles was busy setting up the laptop. It crossed his mind that it was probably weird of him to be disappointed by how Heracles ignored most of his bickering and didn't respond to it. He didn't want a real fight, but throwing comments back and forth was a good way to relieve stress. Even Feliciano was better at it than Heracles.

“What would I have to do to make you really angry?” he asked.

“Why would you want to make me angry?”

“I don't! I'm just wondering.”

“Well...” Heracles paused to think, staring at the laptop screen. “You could cheat on me with Sadik.”

“Ugh, what the hell? How do you even come up with something that disgusting?”

“It's just a thought. I guess I'd be mad no matter who it was, but please don't pick him.”

“I'm not going to cheat on you, dumbass!”

“I know; I was kidding. But another thing you could do is –” Heracles drifted off, his attention caught by something on his laptop's screen. 

“Did your editor write to you?”

Lovino leaned closer, but before he could see anything other than that Heracles had his e-mail open, the other had slammed the laptop shut and placed his hands on top of it.

“Hey! What happened? Did she say it totally sucks?”

“No, this was... something else.”

“What?”

“I don't know. I didn't read it yet.”

“Why not?”

“I'll tell you later.” Heracles put the laptop back into the bag and shoved it under the counter. He caught Lovino's hips and leaned to give him a quick kiss to his left temple, but somehow it felt half-hearted. “By the way, are we going to act like a couple tonight, or don't you want to let Ludwig and Kateryna know?”

“I don't care about what they think.” This was his grandfather's shop and he'd be surrounded by friends and family. Like hell was he going to hide anything from anyone. But he couldn't help but wonder what kind of reaction they'd get. Gilbert had been so weird about him dating guys for so long that maybe it stemmed from attitudes he had learned at home. Maybe Ludwig was the same.

“Good. Me neither.”

Gilbert, Ludwig and Kateryna showed up some time later. Upon seeing all the people and arrangements waiting for them, Gilbert's face was lit by a wide grin, and he almost ran inside. Kateryna seemed pleasantly surprised as well, but Ludwig held back and eyed them with some reserve.

“Hey, what's the occasion?” Gilbert asked.

“We all want to meet your brother because you always talk about him even when nobody wants to listen, so we're curious,” Feliciano said.

If Gilbert was bothered by Feliciano's bluntness, he didn't show it. He turned to Ludwig and dragged him to the middle of the room where he loudly introduced him and Kateryna to everyone, ignoring the obvious discomfort of his brother. As Lovino watched the joy radiating from Gilbert, he realised that most of the others didn't even know how much this mattered to him. They had no idea how long he had gone without any contact to his brother or that he had been afraid he wouldn't forgive him.

The thought sent a strange, protective flutter through him. This would have to be a perfect night for Gilbert.

“So great to see Gilbert's brother is finally here!” Romulus said and grabbed Ludwig's hand with both of his. “I've been worried that he's got to be so lonely when here's here all alone without his family. It's about time you showed up!”

“There were some obstacles.”

“And you even brought such a beauty with you! Feliciano told me you wanted to see the shop. Let me show you around.” Romulus took Kateryna's hand and directed her towards the counter. Lovino kept an eye on them – he didn't think his grandfather would try anything stupid, but he was too much like Feliciano and might say something that Kateryna would take personally.

“Slap him if he bugs you,” he said to her.

“No, I couldn't. And don't worry. I get a lot of unwanted attention, so I know how to deal with it if it gets bad.”

“She's got a black belt in judo!” Gilbert chimed in.

Lovino lifted his brows. “What, really?”

“Yeah, my sister wanted to take classes, and our parents made me go with her. It turned out to be a lot of fun.”

“Do you beat up guys who give you trouble?” Belle asked, eyes glinting in excitement.

Kateryna laughed nervously. “No, I've never done that! It's just something that gives me confidence.”

“Too bad. I bet there are a lot of assholes who deserve it.”

The conversation kept them occupied for a while, so Lovino was a little surprised when he heard someone clear his throat behind him. He turned to look and almost jumped. It was Ludwig, carrying a serious look on his face.

“Can we talk for a moment?”

“What do you want?” Lovino didn't like the defensive tone of his own voice, but damn, Ludwig had a way of making even innocent requests like that sound like he was being interrogated by the police.

“I just want to talk a little. Is there anything more private?”

“I guess we can go to the back.”

Lovino glanced at the others as he and Ludwig slipped into the backroom, but everyone was listening to some story of Gilbert's. Only Heracles looked up but said nothing when Lovino gestured that everything was fine.

“Okay, what do you want to talk about?” he asked once he had closed the door behind them.

“Gilbert.”

Yeah, he should have seen this coming.

“What about him?”

Ludwig spent a moment trying to decide what to do with his hands. He crossed his arms on his chest, then realised it was probably too threatening and shoved his hands into his pockets instead. Gilbert always looked casual when he did that, but Ludwig was discomfort personified.

“Has he told you about why he came to Italy?” Ludwig asked.

“Yeah, I know what happened with the computers and all.”

“Good. That at least makes this a little simpler. Mainly, I wanted to ask how he's really doing. He has this habit of pretending that everything is fine when it really isn't, and I think he's even more reluctant to talk to me now because he wants this reunion to be perfect.”

“What makes you think I'd know anything?”

“You seem close. He talks a lot about you, and you came with him to the airport.”

We aren't close, Lovino wanted to snap. Just normal friends. If it looked otherwise, it was only because Gilbert was such a clingy attention-seeker that it was impossible to ignore him.

“I think he's fine. He's got a job and friends, and he lives in an okay apartment. As far as I know, his only problem is the stuff that happened with you.”

Some of the nervous tension melted away from Ludwig's frame. He let out a relieved sigh and ran his fingers through his hair even though there was no need to fix it.

“That's good. There's no telling with him. I thought he might be in trouble.”

“Yeah, no. For someone who came to a foreign country with empty pockets and no connections, he's doing pretty well.”

“It's a relief to hear that. I was worried when I didn't hear anything from him because I knew he wouldn't ask for help if he needed it. And...” Ludwig paused, and Lovino could almost see his mind work as he searched for words. “I just wanted to thank you as well.”

“For what?”

“For being there for him. It means a lot to him to have friends. If there's anything I can do to in return –”

“Fuck it, stop. Don't you dare say anything about paying anyone back!”

“I wasn't going to imply that –”

“But you are. I don't know how you do friendships in Germany, but here we don't calculate who has contributed the most into it. You don't have to thank anyone here for being Gilbert's friend because if we didn't think it was worth it, we wouldn't bother.”

Ludwig had the sense to look a little ashamed. “Right. I'm sorry. I'm just so relieved he's doing well. I was starting to expect the worst when we didn't hear anything.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. I've got a brother, too. But you don't see me acting like a total dick all over the place. Now, do you have something more to say or can I go back before my boyfriend starts to wonder what we're doing here?”

“Your... what?”

“My boyfriend. Heracles.”

“Oh. I didn't know you were together.”

“Is it a problem?”

“No! Not at all. It's just... Gilbert didn't mention it. I thought that... uh...” Ludwig's face had grown red, and for a moment Lovino was sure he was going to have some kind of fit right there. But his self-control turned out to be better than that as he got a hold of himself within moments and cleared his throat.

“You're right. We should return to the others before they get worried.”

They joined the others inside the shop. As they entered, Gilbert was by their side in a second.

“Ludi! Lovino! Where were you?”

“I wanted to talk to him.”

“Why? Are you two having secrets from me?”

“No, dumbass. He just wanted to make sure you haven't been lying to his face about your life here. Though now that I think about it, I have no idea what you've told him, so it's totally possible I just gave him all the wrong answers.”

“I wouldn't lie to my kid brother!”

“You do it all the time. I'm used to it by now,” Ludwig pointed out, turning around to search the room for Kateryna. Belle had taken her aside to let her taste all the different flavours of gelato they had put aside for the evening.

“I don't lie! I twist the truth a little bit or let something go unsaid, but that's not the same as lying! I'm a good brother!”

The rest of the evening was spent eating and chatting so that everyone would get to know each other. Belle wanted to practise her high school German and engaged in a brief discussion with Kateryna. Feliciano was increasingly interested in Ludwig and kept asking him questions, but when he got too excited and didn't find the words in English, he simply switched to Italian and didn't care that Ludwig couldn't follow. Though Lovino suspected he wouldn't have been able to follow him even if Feliciano had spoken perfect German.

Later, when it was nearing midnight, Lovino was too tired to attempt saying anything in English anymore. It was the same for most of them, so Gilbert translated for them as best as he could, though the need for it grew lesser as they automatically drifted into groups in which everyone had a common language.

Gilbert and Ludwig were talking in low voices. Even though Lovino couldn't understand a word, he found himself listening to them, mesmerized by the sound of the language. He'd always considered German ugly and harsh, but now he was sure he could hear an affectionate tone when the brothers talked to each other.

Suddenly, he realised something that should have been obvious from the start. He couldn't understand German, but his imagination was more than willing to provide him with a translation.

_“You'll be coming home now, right?”_

_“Yeah! Why would I stay in Italy? There's nothing keeping me here.”_

Gilbert's reunion with his brother had gone smoothly. The rest of his family would probably be just as understanding. He'd leave, Lovino was sure of it. And the thought of Gilbert no longer dropping by uninvited and telling his obnoxious jokes and pissing him off left him with an ache that took him by surprise.

Gilbert wasn't going to be there anymore. He was going to leave Rome, leave his job, leave his friends, leave _him_ , and there was something lurking behind that realisation that frightened Lovino so much that he felt sick thinking about it.

“Hey, are you okay?” Heracles asked and waved his hand before his eyes. “You're staring into space. Do you want to go home?”

“No. I'm fine.”

For some reason, lying to Heracles made him feel twice as terrible.


	23. Chapter 23

It was at around eleven in the morning when Ludwig and Kateryna showed up at the gelato shop. Feliciano noticed them first and let out a happy greeting, alerting Lovino's attention to them. 

They had both changed into something a little more casual than the previous day, which Lovino considered an improvement, especially in Ludwig's case. There was no need to wear a goddamn tie on vacation.

“Good morning,” Kateryna said and came over to look at their selection.

“Do you want something?” Feliciano asked.

“Oh, no. It's too early for ice cream. Maybe after lunch. I just wanted to see what the place looks like when it's open.”

“And Ludwig? Do you want ice cream?”

“Later, thank you.”

“He's been practising,” Kateryna said with a bright smile.

“Practising what?” Lovino asked.

“Ordering in Italian. He bought a phrase book before the trip and has been studying it every evening after work.”

Ludwig flushed a pale shade of pink. “Kateryna, please. You don't have to tell them that.”

“I didn't think it would make you embarrassed! I'm sorry!”

“It's alright. It's just that I'm not very good yet.”

“That's not a problem!” Feliciano said at once. “You're a tourist, so it's okay if you sound really bad. Germans usually do. Come on! Order something!”

“Really, I'd rather not.” 

But Feliciano refused to leave Ludwig alone, and the two of them became engaged in a debate about which flavour of gelato was the best as Feliciano pointed them out to him and asked him to repeat their names in Italian. Lovino wanted to shake his head, not sure if he was supposed to be impressed by how fast his brother could turn someone into an idiot like him.

“So, do you have any plans for today?” he asked.

“For now, we're just taking a look around. Gilbert said he'd be our guide when he gets off from work,” Kateryna said.

“Tch, a German showing around in Rome. What a waste.”

“He's been here for a year, hasn't he?”

“Yeah, but it's not the same. I bet he doesn't know even a fraction of the things that anyone who grew up here could recite backwards in their sleep.”

“I'm sure that what little he knows will be more than we can digest on such a short trip.”

“How long are you staying?”

“Just over the weekend. It's a miracle we were able to take even this many days off, especially at the same time.”

Just over the weekend. Gilbert probably wouldn't be leaving on such a short notice, but it shouldn't take him too long to arrange things and go.

“And I guess Gilbert is coming, too?” Lovino asked, doing his best to sound like he was just chatting about the weather.

Kateryna pursed her lips in indecision. “I'm not sure. I don't know if he and Ludwig have discussed that yet. But yeah, he'll probably come back now that everything is fine. His mother really wants to see him.”

Lovino hummed in agreement. She was right. Gilbert had to go home. His whole family was there, and what kind of future could he ever have in Italy in the first place? With the way things were, he'd never be more than a driver, and even that was a lucky break compared to so many other people's situations. It was selfish to wish that he'd stay.

“I could come and show you around,” he blurted out without thinking. There was no telling how long Gilbert would stay. If he was really excited about going home, he could just quit his job and leave the next day. The thought made him jittery, and he realised he wanted to spend at least one more normal evening with Gilbert.

“Oh, are you sure? We don't want to be so much trouble. You already organized that party yesterday.”

“It's nothing. Besides, if someone won't look after him, Gilbert's going to give you the wrong names and dates for every statue and monument you see.”

Kateryna laughed. “I guess I can imagine him making things up if he doesn't know what something really is.”

“Hey, Kati! Look!” Feliciano waved his hand in front of her face to get her attention. “I made Ludwig order some gelato!”

And sure enough, Ludwig was standing there with a cone of strawberry and chocolate in his hand, somehow managing to make it look out of place even though he was in a gelato shop. Lovino almost felt sorry for him. It had to be tiresome to deal with Feliciano when one wasn't used to him.

“Stop bugging people,” Lovino said to his brother.

“It's alright,” Ludwig said. He glanced at the cone like he wasn't entirely sure what to do with it. Then, he turned to Kateryna and offered it to her. “Do you want it?”

“We could share.”

“We'll need another cone.”

“Really?” Feliciano asked in a disappointed tone. “All the couples I know take turns licking it. I do it with Michela all the time!”

“That's messy and potentially unhygienic,” Ludwig said and accepted the extra cone Lovino offered him. He moved the chocolate ball onto it and let Kateryna choose the one she wanted.

“I don't see how it's any different from kissing,” Feliciano said. “But maybe you're the type who doesn't like kissing either?”

Lovino shoved his fist into his brother's shoulder. “Keep this up a second longer and you're fired!”

“What? But only Grandpa can fire me, and he'd never do it!”

“Maybe we should go,” Ludwig suggested.

“No, why are going? Everything's fine!”

“They're getting tired of you pestering them all the time! I'd be leaving too if I wasn't stuck working with you!”

Kateryna linked her arm with Ludwig's and began to lead him out of the store. “I'm sorry we caused such a scene. We'll ask Gilbert to call you later when he gets from work, okay?”

Feliciano let out an exaggerated sigh of disappointment once they was gone. “They're a cute couple, aren't they?”

“I wouldn't describe Ludwig as cute.”

“No, not on his own. Of course he's not cute when he's that serious and has such big muscles. He probably works out a lot. But when you put him with Kati, then he's sort of cute.”

“Thank God you aren't into guys. I'd have to kill someone if you ever got a boyfriend like that.”

“So, he's not your type?”

“Hell no.”

“Oh, and what was that about Gilbert calling you? Are you going out with them?”

“Just to show them around a little. It's not like I can leave Gilbert in charge. He'd probably tell them the Leaning Tower of Pisa is here or some dumb shit like that.”

Gilbert called him later that afternoon and asked him if he'd like to meet them at Piazza Navona. Lovino left his scooter near the square and walked the rest of the way. He had to search a little before he spotted the others by the Fountain of Neptune.

Gilbert waved at him. “Lovino! Here we are! Come over here!”

“You don't have to yell like that! I already saw you.”

“Just wanted to be sure, but true, I guess it's totally impossible to miss me.”

“Yeah, with that abnormal hair of yours, I couldn't avoid seeing you even if I wanted to. You're like an unripe tomato that some idiot put in the basket with the good ones.”

Gilbert gave Ludwig a poke with his elbow. “That doesn't translate very well into English, but in Italian it means the same as 'you're my best friend in the whole world'.”

“No, it doesn't!”

Ludwig raised his palms diplomatically. “I know not to believe everything he says.”

“Good. Now let's take a look at the square here.”

They spent the next half an hour or so walking the around the square with Lovino explaining the history of the various monuments and buildings. Gilbert occasionally jumped in to help with translation since talking about history in English went a little beyond Lovino's language skills. Somehow, the two of them managed, even if they often ended up arguing in Italian and forgetting that they were supposed to be showing Ludwig and Kateryna around.

“I can't say I'm the best judge, but your Italian sounds very good,” Ludwig said to Gilbert when there was a break in the griping that allowed someone else to get a word in.

“That's because I'm awesome at learning languages!”

“No, it's because talking is the best way to learn a language, and you never shut up!”

“Why would I? I always have relevant and interesting things to say.”

“You tried to learn Russian once, didn't you?” Kateryna cut in before Lovino could throw another argument at Gilbert. 

“Yeah, but that wasn't really my thing. It didn't stick.”

“I'm a little rusty, too. I only used it at school back when we lived in Kharkiv.”

Lovino stayed in the background as the others talked about languages. He felt a little silly about the pointless fighting between him and Gilbert. He had come here to spend time with him since there was no telling when Gilbert would leave, and yet he was wasting it. Just because he was angry that Gilbert would leave, it wasn't fair to take it out on him.

He should probably ask _when_ he was leaving, just to set his mind at ease. But he realised he didn't want to do that when Ludwig and Kateryna were there, even if he could have done it in Italian to stop them from understanding.

Ludwig asked if they could visit the Roman Forum because he had read much about it and because Roman history fascinated him. Lovino agreed; there was plenty of space to walk around, and maybe he'd get to talk to Gilbert alone.

Once they made it to the hill where the ruins were, they spent most of their time walking around with Ludwig's nose stuck in a guidebook. Whenever the book failed to give him a satisfactory answer, he turned to Lovino for help. Lovino didn't like admitting that he didn't know the history of every rock they came across, so he began to keep his distance.

He was hoping he could talk to Gilbert while Ludwig was otherwise occupied, but it seemed the others had different plans. Kateryna soon fell behind to join him and struck up a conversation while Ludwig and Gilbert hurried ahead. Normally, Lovino wouldn't have minded being left alone with a gorgeous woman, but at the moment he was more interested in knowing what Gilbert was planning.

“It must be fascinating to live surrounded by so much history,” Kateryna said.

“It's a nice idea in theory, but I wouldn't recommend it in the long run.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, try building a decent underground metro line when these idiots left their junk lying around all over the place. We can't dig half a metre without finding some vases or something that forces us to stop.”

“Right, I didn't think of that, but I guess it's true. We took the underground when we went shopping today, and Ludwig was a little upset when it wasn't on time.”

Before Lovino could start laughing at the mental image of someone thinking public transport in Rome followed any schedules, their attention was caught by loud voices from ahead of them.

Ludwig and Gilbert were fighting. Their conversation had turned into shouting, and though Lovino couldn't understand the angry German they kept throwing at each other, he could see how upset both of them were. He glanced at Kateryna to get a clue about what was going on, but she seemed to be on the verge of tears.

Kateryna stepped forward and said something to the brothers, and Lovino could only assume it was an attempt to calm them down. However, it did little to help, and the two didn't even seem to notice that anyone else was around.

Lovino heard Ludwig spit out his name, and at first he thought there was a German word that just sounded the same. But Gilbert staggered back, like he'd been hit, and when he momentarily turned to look at him, Lovino knew it wasn't a simple coincidence.

Gilbert stood stiff and glared at his brother, and for a moment Lovino was sure he'd punch him. But then he muttered something under his breath and turned around.

“Hey!” Lovino called out when Gilbert dashed past him, half-running down the path to get away from them. “Where are you going?”

He received no reply, and for a moment he considered demanding answers from Ludwig, but then he decided he'd rather deal with Gilbert. Sending a dark glare into Ludwig's direction and swearing on his mind that he'd kick his ass later, he hurried after Gilbert.

It didn't take long to find him. Gilbert hadn't run far, and Lovino spotted him sitting on one of the benches by the toilets only a couple of minutes later. He had kicked all the small pebbles within his feet's reach away, but he seemed to have calmed down somewhat.

“What the hell just happened?” Lovino asked, stopping to stand before the other with his arms crossed on his chest.

“Nothing.” Gilbert pressed his mouth into a sulky line and turned to look away.

“That didn't sound like nothing. It was like you were declaring war on the world. What were you fighting about?”

Gilbert said nothing, so Lovino sat down by his side and huffed.

“He's leaving tomorrow evening, right? Are you really going to waste your time fighting?”

“He started it!”

“What is so important that you almost tore each other's throats out?”

“He wanted to talk about me going back to Germany.”

“Oh.” For some reason, that came as a surprise. What was there to fight about? “Does he not want you back or something?”

Gilbert snorted deep in his throat. “No, it's not that. He said he'd ask dad to give me a job in the family business when I go back.”

“Isn't that a good thing?”

“I told him I'm not coming back yet.”

“What? Why not? I mean, now that everything's fine –”

“It's not fine!” Gilbert kicked at the ground with his foot. “I don't want to go back like this. Everyone would think I'm a loser who's just mooching off my family. When I go back, it's got to be as someone who has something to contribute instead of relying on everyone else's pity.”

“For God's sake, it's not pity! They care about you and want you to be happy.”

“Yeah, well I can't be happy if I can't make fun of Ludi and Roderich and talk back to my dad without them reminding me I'm only there because they're nice enough to let me. I'm not going to live my whole life forced to feel grateful. I'm just fine here.”

Lovino had to fight the urge to punch him. Gilbert was too goddamn proud, and it was that exact pride that had led him to his shitty situation.

“So, does that mean you're staying for a while?”

“Yeah, I don't care what Ludi has to say about it. He can yell as much he wants. He can't force me.”

“But what about your family?”

“It's not like I'll disappear off the radar again! I'll keep in touch.”

“You're such an idiot,” Lovino muttered with a shake of his head. “This is exactly how you got into this mess in the first place. Can't you just admit for once that you aren't perfect and you screwed up? Unless your family consists of assholes, they won't care how you come back, as long as you fucking do! And if you want to be useful, make the family business bloom like never before!”

“What, so you want me to go? Just like that?”

Lovino let out a frustrated snort and shifted on the bench. Of course he didn't want him to go. But admitting that would have been selfish, especially now when his words could sway Gilbert's decision into either direction. Going back was better for him, he was sure of it.

“Tch. What I want shouldn't matter.”

“I'm not saying it does! It's totally my own decision. But come on, I'm curious. What do you think?”

“Well, I think you're an idiot if you don't go. You could be with your family again and truly make up with everyone. You could have a job that'll probably earn you at least twice as much as the one you have now. Anyone with any common sense would go.”

“Huh.” Gilbert crossed his hands behind his head, leaning back and laughing. “Maybe you're right. When you put it like that, I guess it does make a lot of sense. But I figured you wouldn't be _that_ eager to get rid of me.”

“I'm not – For fuck's sake, I'm not trying to get rid of you! I don't want you to leave, but unlike you, I'm trying to act like an adult and not think about just myself all the time! I have no idea what you said to Ludwig earlier, but if you were being even half as dense as now, it was probably dumb as fuck.”

Gilbert seemed momentarily startled by his words, and the smile vanished from his face. “You make it sound so simple. Sure, I'd love to go back home and have a beer with Ludi every weekend and eat mum's potato pancakes on Sundays and stuff, but I'm not sure... I mean, I was gone for a while. What if it's not the same anymore?”

“You'll never find out if you stay here.”

“But at the same time, I like it here, too! I've got some pretty awesome friends that I'd miss. And the job may not pay that much, but it's fun. And it's something I got on my own, just because I'm good.”

Maybe he had been a little insensitive, Lovino realised. He had been so afraid of Gilbert not caring about leaving that he had convinced himself it had to be so, just so that he could feel like a selfless martyr when he kept encouraging him. Maybe he'd even wanted to believe Gilbert cared so little about his friends in Italy because then it would be easier to assure himself that he wouldn't miss him either.

“Do you have to decide right now?” he asked.

“I don't know. I guess Ludi wants an answer before he and Kati go back.”

“Maybe you should ask for more time. And by the way, did he say something about me when you were fighting? Because if he was talking shit about me, then –”

“No, no, it was nothing! Nothing important! He just said, that uh... that even you must realise what the right decision is and that I was being childish!”

“Huh, I guess he's not as slow as he looks like. But he's also a little wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

“It's your call, but I'd feel like shit if you left. I don't have anyone else I can call a fucking idiot on a regular basis without making them cry.”

Gilbert laughed, and this time there was no sad edge to it. “Then maybe I'll stay just for you!”

Lovino was about to point out that this was clearly one of the situations in which it was necessary to call him an idiot, but he couldn't force the words out. He looked at Gilbert, who was grinning and trying to look like he was without a care in the world even though his head had to be a mess of conflicting emotions. Gilbert, who was so stupid and amazing at the same time, so proud and so vulnerable, and whose happiness meant more to him than he had ever realised before.

He wanted to kiss him. The desire felt so natural that he was already preparing to lean close before his mind finally caught up with him, and he jerked away, barely able to hold back his surprised yelp.

“What? What happened?” Gilbert asked.

“I... I think I saw a squirrel!”

“I had no idea you were afraid of squirrels.”

“Fucking hell, those bastards are everywhere! Don't you know how much trouble they cause?”

Lovino had withdrawn to the other end of the bench now, trying to put as much distance between himself and Gilbert as possible. What the hell? Just what the _hell?_ What was wrong with him? He wasn't supposed to have such thoughts! He had a boyfriend! Gilbert was straight! They were friends! He didn't want to go through the same thing as he had with Antonio.

_And he had a boyfriend!_

“We should go back before Ludwig and Kati get lost,” he mumbled and got up to his feet.

They found the others soon, and Lovino used the first excuse he could come up with to leave. Nobody objected, and he guessed Gilbert and Ludwig needed the rest of the evening to work out their fight. He was grateful that he didn't have to explain himself as he almost ran away from them and didn't stop until he was back on Piazza Navona, out of breath, sweaty and hot and still on the verge of panic.

He had almost kissed Gilbert. Almost, even though there were a million reasons why it would have been wrong.

Hands shaking, he put on his helmet and sat on his Vespa. But for a long time, he couldn't make himself leave. He still wanted to kiss Gilbert, even though the bastard wasn't even there, and he would have smashed his head against the pavement if he hadn't already been wearing the helmet.

He wasn't supposed to be thinking about other guys like that. He already had Heracles. And Heracles was so perfect that it was beyond messed up that anyone else was invading his thoughts.

It had to be just an intense shade of friendship. Gilbert had been upset, and he had wanted to make him feel better. The wires had just got crossed in his brain. Everything would go back to normal once Gilbert's life calmed down.

Feeling a little more secure in himself, he turned on the engine and decided to drop by Heracles' place. It wouldn't hurt to get a reminder of just what a great boyfriend he had so that any stupid ideas would leave his mind.

“Hey,” he said when Heracles came to open the door for him some time later. “Are you busy?”

“No, I'm still waiting to hear from my editor.”

“What, still no reply? What the hell is taking her so long?”

“I don't mind. For as long as she doesn't get back to me, I don't have to do anything but sleep and eat all day.”

“Lucky you. I've been walking around all afternoon. I'm starving.”

“What have you been up to?”

Lovino lied down on Heracles' bed, careful not to bother the cat that was curled up there. The bastards had sharp claws, and he had quickly learned it wasn't worth it to fight with them over the bed.

“I was showing Gilbert's brother and his girlfriend around.”

“Couldn't Gilbert have done that?”

“Yeah, but you know. He's an idiot. He would have told them something stupid, and then they would have gone back home and spread it.”

Lovino wondered if he should tell Heracles about his sudden interest in kissing Gilbert. He was pretty open-minded, so maybe he wouldn't be bothered. Maybe they could compare lists of guys they wanted to kiss and turn this into something fun. But at the same time, why make such a fuss? He was only going through a passing moment of weakness. And thoughts weren't wrong. As long as he didn't act on them, he was innocent, right?

“There's something I should show you,” Heracles said and came to sit by his side. He was holding his laptop and turned it on as Lovino lifted himself up on his elbows.

“What?”

“Remember that e-mail I got yesterday?”

“Yeah? Something bad?”

Heracles had logged into his account by now and repositioned the laptop so that Lovino could see the screen better. He pointed his finger at the third e-mail from the top.

“I apologize,” Lovino read out loud, staring at the subject line. Then his eyes moved to the left and caught the name of the sender.

Honda Kiku.

“That's the guy you dated in Japan, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, what the hell does he want? Didn't he say you two should never have any contact again?”

“Yes, which is why I'm a little surprised, too.” Heracles opened the e-mail and showed it to him. It was written in English and used such formal vocabulary that Lovino had some trouble understanding it. 

“He sure likes to apologize a lot,” he muttered. Most of the message consisted of Kiku stating how his behaviour had been unacceptable and that he was truly sorry for any offence he had caused to Heracles. “But what does he want?”

“I'm not sure.”

“Did you already reply?”

“Yeah.”

“And what did you say?”

“That I'm not upset anymore, it's nice to hear from him and that I have a boyfriend.”

“What do you mean you aren't upset? He pulled a really shitty trick on you! Are you just going to forgive him without making him work for it?”

Heracles clicked away from his e-mail and turned off the laptop. “I don't see why not. It's been a while. Being angry won't help anyone.”

“Yeah, but –”

“Don't worry. I probably won't even stay in touch with him once we've cleared this up.”

That wasn't the issue, Lovino realised with some amount of surprise. He wasn't a jealous nature by default, only when he felt that someone else was stealing all the attention and love that he wanted. His boyfriend making up with his ex – with whom it had been love at first sight, no less – should have turned him into a ball of rage, but it wasn't his own feelings that mattered the most to him right now.

“That's not it. Go ahead and become penpals if you want to. You don't need my damn permission to have friends. Just make sure he doesn't screw you over a second time. I don't want to have to buy a ticket to Japan just to kick his ass. That shit is expensive.”

Heracles yawned and leaned against him, and they ended up lying down on the bed, Lovino holding the other in his arms. He began to stroke Heracles' hair absent-mindedly and once again wondered if he should tell him about Gilbert. He would probably understand. After all, he had called out Kiku's name once, and that had to be worse than wanting to kiss someone else, right? But that had been in the past, and this was now. And Kiku was probably hot whereas Gilbert wasn't, so Lovino couldn't even hide behind that excuse.

“You're really tense,” Heracles mumbled, eyes closed. “Are you upset about the e-mail after all?”

“No, it's not that. We, uh, had some issues at work today.”

“I hope it wasn't too bad.”

“Nah, nothing serious.”

Lovino ignored the guilty twist in his insides and wondered if he was going insane. He decided to stay the night and talk to Heracles in the morning.


	24. Chapter 24

As usual, Lovino was the first to wake up. But this time he didn't stay in bed and try to kick Heracles to the floor so that the other would get up and make him coffee. He wriggled free from under the arm that was holding him close and waddled to the kitchen, too tired to open his eyes and praying that if there were any cats in the apartment, they'd know to get out of his way.

The scent of brewing coffee was enough to make him a little more alert, and he returned to the other room while he waited for it to get ready. He didn't want to wake Heracles up yet, so he sat down on the floor to watch him.

He had hoped that sleeping through the night would help him get his thoughts together. In a way it had, but he didn't like the conclusions his mind was presenting him.

He was attracted to Gilbert. There was no point in denying it. It had taken him some time to fall asleep the previous night, and he had spent a good while listening to Heracles' steady breathing and letting his thoughts wander. He would have liked to think it was only a physical thing, but he couldn't fool himself. Physically, Gilbert was the opposite of his type. Personality-wise, he was even less attractive, and yet there was no changing the fact that he had somehow developed an interest.

In retrospect, it felt so natural that the only thing that surprised him was the fact that it had taken him this long to notice. He had fun whenever he spent time with Gilbert, even when they fought. The other could be irritating as hell, but at the same time there was something Lovino liked about the way his personality clashed against his.

Hell. He didn't need this right now. Just when he had been so happy, had finally got a lucky a break, his twisted mind threw this at him. Why did it always go like this? Why did he always develop an attraction towards people he couldn't have? And why now when he had Heracles? Wasn't he enough?

Lovino knew the answer to that. Heracles was more than enough. He was friendly, safe and caring. He accepted Lovino with all of his flaws and didn't try to mould him into something else. He didn't stress about the future or make Lovino feel like he was wasting his life since he wasn't pursuing any goals. Sex with him was some of the best he had ever had. He could cook and make good coffee. 

He was everything Lovino could ask for and more. The fact that he was suddenly thinking about someone else wasn't in any way Heracles' fault. It just proved how messed up Lovino was. Instead of being happy like normal people, he just had to go and create problems. He was pretty sure he had heard about this on TV once. Every relationship reached a point of normalcy where the passion retreated into the background. That was the point when he was supposed to prove that his feelings were strong, that he was a responsible adult who could stay committed in the middle of mundane everyday life.

But no, he was already yearning for something else. Maybe he was incapable of being happy. Only problems would come out of wanting Gilbert, even if he wasn't together with Heracles. So why? Why couldn't his feelings just listen to logic for once?

It would be so easy not to tell Heracles anything. He wasn't going to act on his new-found attraction, so nobody ever had to know. He still loved Heracles, so maybe everything would go back to normal if he just waited long enough. Part of him kept trying to convince him that not saying anything would be the right thing to do. Why should he hurt Heracles when nothing was ever coming out of this?

At the same time, he felt like he had to tell him. Heracles had been honest with him about Kiku. This was the best relationship Lovino had ever had. Heracles deserved honesty, and Lovino was afraid that if he started keeping secrets from him, it would eventually lead to lying and maybe worse. Better do this now and not wait until he messed things up even more.

He moved to shake Heracles' shoulder. “Wake up. Coffee's ready.”

“Why so early? Throw it away and come back to bed.”

“No. I need to talk to you.”

He didn't need anything else to convince him. Lovino poured Heracles a cup of coffee while the other was in the process of dragging himself out of bed. He waited until they had both downed at least half of their cups because having some caffeine in his system made thinking a little easier.

“What did you want to talk about?”

“Promise that you won't get angry.”

“It was a little unfair to force me out of bed if there's a chance you won't talk to me after all. Mmh. Unless you really went and cheated on me with Sadik, I guess I won't be mad.”

“I haven't cheated on you with anyone!”

“Then it's probably going to be alright.”

“Right, so... Okay, something's making my brain all fucked up at the moment. It's probably the heat or something. But anyway, yesterday when I was showing Gilbert's brother around, I kind of wanted to kiss him.”

Heracles put down his cup of coffee and frowned in confusion. “I didn't know you liked the blond and muscled type.”

“Not Ludwig! Gilbert!”

“Oh. Did you kiss him?”

“No, of course not! What do you take me for?”

“Why did you want to kiss him?”

That was the hard part. What reason could he give that wouldn't imply that he wanted something more than what Heracles was giving him?

“I don't know,” he admitted. “I just wanted to.”

“I hope you won't, but I can't really stop you if you decide to go ahead.”

“I'm not going to kiss him! This is just a stupid phase. And besides, Gilbert would never let me kiss him. I should know because I already kissed him once at Antonio and Belle's wedding, and he almost had a panic attack.”

“You never told me about that.”

“I didn't think it was important. We didn't even know each other back then. And it was so stupid. I barely even knew him.”

“Mmh.”

Lovino slumped against the table, nearly knocking over his cup of coffee. “I made you mad after all.”

“A little. I don't mind that you think other people are attractive even though we're together, but I don't understand why it has to be Gilbert.”

“God, I wish I did. He's just so insufferable and bothersome and –”

“And yet you talk about him all the time.”

Did he? He hadn't noticed, but if Heracles said so, it had to be true. “I'm sorry. But I'm not planning to do anything, I swear.”

“It's easy to make that promise since Gilbert is straight.”

“Yeah, I know. But what else am I supposed to say?”

Heracles was silent for a moment. Lovino examined his face, trying to measure how angry he really was. It was hard to tell with him. He could be very opinionated and could work himself up into a rage when they accidentally turned on the TV when during the news, but his anger wasn't always visual.

“Offering to make me coffee like this every morning would be a good start.”

“What?”

Heracles peered into his cup. “Yeah. It's better than usual. The taste is stronger. I like it.”

“But... what about...”

“Give me some time to think about this, and I'll get over it. I'm glad you told me.”

Somehow, Heracles' words didn't fill Lovino with the relief he had been expecting. If Heracles had got angry, maybe it would have felt like a punishment, and maybe that was what he needed. Then at least he might have stopped feeling so guilty.

He didn't have to go to work until in the afternoon, so he hung around at Heracles' apartment for some time. They didn't talk much, and after a while Lovino lied and said he had promised to do some grocery shopping for his grandfather. Maybe it was for the best. He figured they both needed some time alone.

“Let me know if you want me to drop by after work,” he said on his way out.

***

Gilbert was the last person Lovino wanted to see that day, so of course he showed up about an hour into his shift. He was grinning from ear to ear, his face was flushed pink, and he nearly collapsed against the counter as he leaned on it.

“What the hell? Did you run all the way here?”

“Hahaha...”

Lovino let out an angry huff and went back to tidying up behind the counter. He wanted to enjoy the relative silence for a little longer. Gilbert being Gilbert, he would start talking as soon as he had caught his breath. 

“I'm going to take Ludi and Kati to the airport soon,” Gilbert said.

“Oh? Where are they now?”

“Still walking here from where I parked the car. They didn't think it's necessary to run.”

“And why did you?”

Gilbert laughed again and rolled over to his back against the counter so that he had to tilt his head to continue looking at Lovino. “Because I'm so happy I had to do something with the extra energy!”

“I guess that means you made up with Ludwig?”

“He's still a little mad that I'm not coming with him, but that's just because he doesn't like it when things don't go according to his plan. But that's not the reason I'm happy.”

“Yeah, great. But now pick yourself up from the counter and stop smearing your sweat all over it!”

Feliciano chose the moment to emerge from the back, carrying a box of sugar cones. He looked around the shop before letting out a disappointed hum.

“Didn't Ludwig come with you?”

“Who needs him when I'm here?”

“I wanted to say hi before he goes back to Germany. And I like talking to him.”

“What, so you don't like talking to me?”

“Of course I do! But Ludwig is different. It's too bad he lives so far away because I'm sure we'd become best friends if we got to see each other every day.”

“No, you'd drive him insane, and he'd have to go to therapy, and then nobody would be happy,” Lovino said, but he couldn't bring himself to put the usual ire into his words. He was glad Feliciano had showed up so that he didn't have to be alone with Gilbert.

“Nah, Ludi needs someone in his life to make a mess for him,” Gilbert said.

“I'm sure I can manage just fine without that,” Ludwig said from the entrance, having just stepped inside with Kateryna.

“Hehe, wait until you get a little Ludi Jr. pooping and vomiting all over the place.”

Feliciano's eyes lit up. “Oh! Kateryna! Are you going to have a baby? Is that why Gilbert can't stop smiling?”

“No, no, it's not that,” Kateryna replied with a laugh. “But hopefully one day. Look, we're going into the right direction.” She removed her left hand from Ludwig's arm and showed them the ring on her finger.

“Awesome, huh? My kid bro is getting married!”

“Wow, that's so cool! Let me look at it!” Feliciano ran from behind the counter to see the ring better. “It's so pretty! Did you buy it here? Was it expensive?”

“Nothing unreasonable,” Ludwig said.

“Come on, Ludi! Smile a little. It's your day. Or did taking her to Terrazza del Pincio and proposing there use up all your romantic energy?”

“It wasn't that romantic,” Kateryna said, then at once began to pat Ludwig on the arm. “Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. But it wasn't a surprise since we had already talked about it in advance.”

“Then why didn't you get engaged earlier?” Feliciano asked.

Ludwig cleared his throat. “We decided we didn't want to do anything until we knew what was going on with Gilbert. It wouldn't have felt right.”

Gilbert laughed, but it was a split second too late to be natural. “Sheesh, Ludi! Really? You make it sound like I'm getting engaged with you two! You shouldn't have waited if you wanted to do it earlier. You could have even gone all the way and got married if you wanted!”

“Yeah, right,” Lovino said with a snort. “Then you would have whined that he got married and you didn't get to be the bestman.”

“Just because that's my rightful job! Right, Ludi? If you pick Roderich, I won't come to the wedding.”

“I won't pick him, don't worry. But the bestman is usually in charge of a lot of the organization. You need to be in Germany for that.”

Gilbert's face fell. “Huh, you're right. Shit.”

“Don't worry,” Kateryna said with a smile. “Natalya will be my maid of honour, and she'll help you out. If you're still in Italy when the planning and reservations happen, just stay in touch with her.”

“When will the wedding take place?” Feliciano asked.

“We haven't decided yet. There's no need to rush anything.”

Gilbert glanced at his cell phone. “Except going to the airport because if we get stuck in traffic, we're going to be late! We shouldn't have blabbered for so long!”

“Congrats for the engagement!” Feliciano called out after them and waved as the others hurried out of the shop. He returned behind the counter and leaned against it. “I wonder what it's like to be engaged. What do you think Michela would say if I asked her to marry me?”

“She'd probably laugh and think you aren't being serious.”

“Why? Do you think I'm not cut out to be a husband?”

“You're barely cut out to survive normal life! At least wait until you know if you're going to that art school or not. And who knows, maybe Michela will go back to Seychelles.”

“She said she'd rather stay here.”

“Still, you never know. Things are never as good as they first seem. Something always happens and fucks everything up.”

“Don't be silly. Just look at yourself. You're doing pretty great!”

Tch, as if. He was a selfish dick who was messing up the best relationship he had ever had. He was risking his friendship with Gilbert, too. Gilbert would probably pack his bags and run straight back to Germany if he ever found out.

Later that evening, Gilbert called him to ask him if he wanted to go out and to celebrate the engagement. He said he was inviting everyone and that he he'd treat them to pizza and maybe even beer if he was in a really good mood. At first Lovino thought about saying no and coming up with a good excuse, but he knew that hiding from his problem wouldn't help him. Maybe if Gilbert got really drunk and did something disgusting, he'd stop liking him.

“Can Heracles come?” 

“Sure, but if you're inviting anyone else, you're sharing the expences with me!”

Lovino sent a message to Heracles. He had to wait a while for the answer, and when it finally came, he wasn't sure how he felt about it.

_I just heard back from the editor. I have to work._

It could very well be true, but it was also possible he was still upset and simply didn't want to come, especially when Gilbert would be there. It made Lovino wonder if he should cancel and go spend time with Heracles, but Antonio was coming, and it was pretty rare to get to go out with him these days.

Dammit, he didn't know what to do. He just wanted everything to be normal again.

He was about to bang his head against the counter in indecision, but then he got another message.

_I'm not mad. Have fun._

Right. He should stop worrying. He'd have a fun night out and talk to Heracles again the following day. He replied to the message with the promise to cook whatever Heracles wanted next time he came over and told him to stock the kitchen.

***

The restaurant Gilbert had picked was almost full, but they got a couple of extra chairs that they put around their table, and then they were all able to fit. Lovino claimed a seat next to Antonio because he hadn't talked to him in a while and he had always had a calming effect on him, even back when they had been children.

“So, your brother got engaged,” Antonio said.

“Yeah! It's hard to believe. He's growing up so fast! I hope I'll become an uncle soon.”

“I wish I had had time to meet him, but my boss wouldn't give me different shifts.”

“Don't worry!” Gilbert took out his phone and leaned over the table to hand it to Antonio. “I took lots of photos! The ones with the engagement ring are near the end.”

Belle leaned closer to take a look. “Does it have a stone?”

“Probably. I'm sure Ludwig has more money than we do,” Antonio said.

“Well, mine's still prettier.”

“I don't see why people are in such a hurry to get married. That's something you should do when you've seen everything life has to offer and are ready to settle down,” Francis said.

“Oh, marriage can be very exciting,” Antonio replied.

“Really? All of it sounds very mundane to me. The only good part is regular sex, but I'm sure even that gets boring after a while.”

“And all this time I thought you were a romantic guy,” Feliciano said.

“But of course I am! You don't have to limit yourself to one person to be romantic!”

“You just haven't met the right one yet. When you do, I'll remind you of this conversation,” Antonio said.

“Me, too!” Gilbert added.

Lovino snorted. “Right, like you're any closer to getting married. No woman would ever take you.”

“The countless girls I've dated would say otherwise!”

“So where are they now? Why isn't one of them Mrs. Beilschmidt?”

“They all wanted me, and I couldn't bear to choose one over the others and break so many hearts, so I had to let them all go. Such is the burden of being this handsome and popular.”

“Choke on your own shit.”

“Ow, you're in a nasty mood. You had better cheer up when the food arrives.”

Lovino took a gulp of his juice and tried to imagine Gilbert as a married man. Somehow, it didn't work. There was always something wrong with the picture, no matter what type of woman he placed by his side. Or maybe he just didn't want to see Gilbert married to anyone.

After eating, they went to a near-by bar where they could sit around or dance if they felt like it. Despite his efforts, Lovino wasn't in the mood to join the others in their fun. He ordered a drink and sat down at one of the tables where he could be in peace but watch the others at the same time, making it look like he wasn't keeping his distance.

He couldn't help but think back to the wedding where he had danced with Gilbert. He wondered how he would react if he asked him to dance now. Clearly he didn't have a problem with dancing with guys since he had been the one to suggest it back then, but maybe he'd feel different about him since the first time had ended with Lovino kissing him.

He shouldn't even ask. He didn't want to see the uncomfortable look on Gilbert's face. Besides, his goal was to get over his infatuation, not feed it, dammit.

It didn't take long before his solitude was disturbed, but thankfully it was only Antonio. He bumped into Lovino with his butt and forced him to move aside and give him enough space to sit down.

“Why are you sitting here all alone? Come and dance with me and Belle!”

“I don't feel like dancing.”

“Why not? Did you eat too much?”

Lovino snorted into his drink and refrained from answering. It didn't matter whether he lied or told the truth – Antonio would try to cheer him up anyway.

“Go away. I bet Belle is wondering where you are.”

“Nah, she's with Michela and Feli. I told her I'd go and get you.”

“Didn't I already say that I don't want to dance?”

“Exercise is good for your digestion. Let's go!”

Lovino wrenched his hand back from Antonio's. “No, dammit! Let me drink!”

He didn't mean to sound as vicious as he did, nor was the crack of his voice in the last word planned. Antonio, as thick as he could be, noticed right away.

“Hey, what's wrong?”

“Nothing.”

As usual, Antonio wouldn't take that for an answer. He grabbed Lovino's drink and pulled it away from his reach so that he couldn't avoid talking by keeping his mouth occupied.

“You shouldn't try to drink your problems away,” he said.

“I'm not. But I need something so that I can deal with you when you're being this annoying.”

“What's got you all upset? Did someone say something to you?”

Lovino blew out air through his nose. “I'm not that dumb. I don't care what people say. I'm just in a bad mood.”

“Why? Oh! Is it because Heracles couldn't be here? He didn't come to the beach, either. It must bug you that he hasn't really become part of the group yet, right? It kind of bothers me, too. I'd like to get to know him better.”

“He's got stuff to do. And maybe he wouldn't want to come anyway.”

“Why? Doesn't he like us? He seemed to have fun at the party at the gelato shop the other day.”

“He likes you just fine. It's me he probably didn't want to see today.”

“Did you have a fight?”

Lovino leaned his chin on his palm so that his words were muffled as he spoke. “Not really. I'm just an asshole.”

“No, you're not. You're only a little prickly.” Antonio reached out to ruffle his hair, a stupid habit he had never grown out of. Lovino hated it when he did it in public, but he didn't swat Antonio's hand away.

“You're just too dumb to see facts,” he muttered.

Antonio chuckled. “I've known you since we were kids. You aren't half as bad as you think you are.”

“Yeah? Then how come I always screw things up?”

“I think it would help if you told me what you've wrecked this time.”

“No.” As if he could tell Antonio that he suddenly had the hots for Gilbert. He didn't want to put him into an uncomfortable position between two friends. He guessed he could have left out who he was attracted to, but Antonio might let it slip that he liked _someone_ , and he didn't want everyone to know. He'd deal with it on his own, somehow.

Antonio sighed and leaned back on the seat, a sad smile on his lips. “Fine, don't say anything. But I think you should. Otherwise you're just going to blurt it out at the wrong moment or to the wrong person.”

“I won't!”

“Haha, don't say I didn't warn you!”

“Hey, what's the joke?”

Both Lovino and Antonio looked up when Gilbert arrived, cheeks flushed from dancing and alcohol. He took a seat on the opposite side of the table and grinned at them. Lovino did his best to ignore the lurch in his stomach when Gilbert looked at him like that.

“How come you're just sitting here? Let's have some fun! Ludi's engagement party is once in a lifetime event!”

“Lovino's not feeling too well. He's got problems.”

“Oh, really? What problems?”

“That my friends are blabbering idiots!” Lovino reached out to grab his drink that Antonio had put away. He downed it with one gulp and slammed the glass on the table.

“Still in a bad mood, huh? We should go and dance! It'll cheer you up.”

“I already tried that, but he didn't want to,” Antonio said.

Lovino had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. He wanted to dance with Gilbet, but that was exactly the problem. He shouldn't give into his treacherous feelings. He had to keep his distance. He had to wait until this insanity passed. Anything else would be lying to both himself and Heracles.

“Oh, well, I guess I need a break anyway. Those chicks I met on the dance floor sure know how to have fun! Maybe I should pick one of them.”

“Pick one for what?” Antonio asked.

Gilbert put his hands on the table, an uncharacteristically serious expression taking over his features. “Ludi's getting married. Okay, so he's only a few years younger than me, but it's still pretty grave that the younger one does it first, right?”

“Nobody gives a shit,” Lovino said.

“I do! I have no plans to get married yet, but the least I can do is show up at the wedding with a hot date. I've got to find a girlfriend.”

“If it's that important, you could fake it. Just hire someone to come with you,” Antonio suggested.

Gilbert made a shocked face. “I don't have to resort to that! I'm so good that I can get the real thing!”

“Have they already announced when the wedding is going to take place?” Lovino asked.

“Not yet. Ludi likes to plan things carefully, so I guess it'll take at least half a year.”

“So what the hell are you complaining?” Lovino got up to go and get another drink. “You've got plenty of time to find someone dumb enough to date you.”


	25. Chapter 25

Lovino was in a bad mood all through the following day. He had drunk a little too much at the engagement party, so he had to work his shift with a headache, loathing the world and especially himself.

_I hope you aren't feeling too bad this morning. :D :D_

“Fuck you,” Lovino muttered when he got Antonio's message, but he had to admit he was right. It had been a stupid idea to try to ignore his problems by drowning them.

As soon as he got off work, he went to buy a bottle of Heracles' favourite wine. The mere idea of drinking anything made his stomach a little queasy, but he wanted Heracles to be in a good mood in the evening. If he wasn't happy to see him, at least he'd be happy to see the bottle.

He had damn better appreciate this, he thought, trying to work himself up into a rage as he was climbing up the stairs to the floor where Heracles lived. If he got angry, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if the other was still upset and told him to leave.

Heracles opened the door and let him into the apartment. His laptop was on the floor, showing a text document. So he _was_ working on his book again. The knowledge made Lovino feel a little better since it meant Heracles hadn't lied about why he hadn't gone out with them.

“I brought wine,” he said and shoved the bottle into the other's hands. “And what's this smell? I was going to cook!”

“It's going to be late if you do, so I took a head start.”

“What, you're that hungry? Usually you don't mind waiting.”

“I wasn't sure if you were coming today.”

Heracles went to grab the pan and took a look inside. A lovely scent of vegetables reached Lovino's nose as he lifted the lid.

“Are you hungry?” Heracles asked.

“Yeah, a little.”

“These still need a moment. Do you want to do something while we wait?”

“Like what?”

“I've been thinking. Do you still want to have sex with me? I mean, now that you like Gilbert, too.”

Lovino didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

“You think I don't want you anymore?” He'd been going crazy with worry that Heracles might hate him. He hadn't even for a moment stopped to think about his perspective. He'd been told his boyfriend was attracted to someone else. He was the one who had the right to fret.

“You're such a dumbass,” he said, grabbed Heracles by the arm and dragged him to the bed. “And so am I for not being clear. Of course I want you. Do you think I'd have bought that shit-ass expensive wine if I was going to dump you or something? Just because my mind is totally messed up right now and thinks Gilbert is hot shit doesn't mean that I have no feelings for you anymore. He's not my boyfriend, thank God. You are. And I hope you got that, idiot, because I don't really feel like repeating myself!”

“I suppose the fact that you're blushing like that means that was genuine,” Heracles said, and there was a rare, affectionate smile on his lips that filled Lovino with such conflicting emotions that he wasn't sure what to say. He hadn't lied; he still loved Heracles, even if it was no longer the giddy excitement from before.

After a brief moment of contemplation, he decided he didn't want to say anything. He reached out to grab Heracles' neck and pulled him into a kiss, which the other accepted. Heracles pushed him down on the bed and climbed on top of him, his lips never slowing down until Lovino turned his head to the side, feeling woozy.

Heracles rarely kissed him like that. Usually, he took his time, and while Lovino wouldn't have described him as overly gentle, he tended to prefer firm, slow touches instead of wasting his energy with fumbling around. But this time he was different, more dominating, and his hands moved to unbutton Lovino's shirt when he normally waited for him to do it himself.

An excited shiver travelled down Lovino's back as Heracles' hands roamed his chest, and he bucked his hips and grunted into his mouth to show his appreciation. At the back of his mind, he could guess why Heracles was acting like this, but he didn't mind. He felt the same. If he loved every second of this and showed him how desperate he was for him, it would close the small gap that had appeared between them. It had to.

He bought his hands down to fiddle with Heracles' trousers, but he couldn't tug them down for as long as the other was sitting on this thighs. He tried to wriggle at least one of his legs free, but Heracles shifted his weight so that he could barely move, and somehow being entirely pinned down was even more of a turn-on.

This time, they didn't argue about who would top. It didn't even cross Lovino's mind to bring it up; he was too overwhelmed by the touches that were seemingly everywhere, hot and hard and making him unable to pay attention to anything but his need. His breathing was loud and strained in his ears, and he did his best to find some of Heracles' skin with his lips and hands so that it wouldn't be so one-sided. The rewarded him with the low moan that always told him he had done something right.

They only stopped for a moment to toss away their remaining clothes. Lovino lifted himself up on his elbows as Heracles disappeared into the bathroom to look for some lube and a condom. He wiped at his sore lips with the back of his hand and waited, excited and apprehensive at the same time.

His doubts disappeared when Heracles came back and kissed him again. Lovino used the chance the wrestle the bottle from his hand and unscrewed the cap.

“Let me,” he said and sat up. He reached for Heracles' member and smeared it with lube. The other bucked into his hand, and Lovino kissed his stomach and thought back to all the other times they'd had sex and how much he had loved it.

He still did, he realised a moment later as Heracles entered him, rougher, faster and with less preparation than usual. He didn't yet know how he really felt about Gilbert, but he still loved Heracles and wanted nothing but good for him. So, for that night, he ignored his worries about whether his love for him was changing and indulged him, moaning his name and digging his fingers into his sides as the other thrust into him and pinned him against the mattress. 

“I love you,” Heracles said, and Lovino replied with a pleased groan and brought his hands up to pull at the other's hair.

Afterwards, Lovino could say with certainty that it had been the best sex they'd had in their relationship, at least physically. He was tired and sticky, and he could already guess all the places where he'd ache in the morning.

“That was good,” he mumbled as they settled as comfortably as they could on the small bed.

“I hope I didn't hurt you.”

“Tch, I would have given you hell if you had. It was great. I'm more concerned about you exhausting yourself like that, so don't you dare fall asleep until I've forced some food down your throat.”

“I'll try.” Heracles smiled briefly, and Lovino leaned closer to give him a quick kiss before getting out of bed to go to the kitchen.

Heracles looked satisfied, and while that was a relief because Lovino didn't want him to be unhappy, it also bothered him. He couldn't help but think that Heracles had been so enthusiastic not entirely because he had wanted to show how amazing they could be together but also to remind him that he could never have the same with Gilbert. 

Lovino knew that all too well. He didn't need it pointed out to him.

“It's a little cold, but that's what you get for putting sex before food,” he said and returned to the other room. “Sit up or you'll choke.”

For a while, they ate in silence. Lovino wondered what he could do to show Heracles that he didn't want a relationship with Gilbert. He didn't want to say it because Heracles' earlier point still stood – Gilbert was straight, so words were meaningless.

Maybe he should have never said anything about Gilbert to Heracles. Maybe it had been a selfish thing to do. He had got some guilt off his shoulders, but he had hurt one of the most important people in his life and driven a wedge between them.

But once they got over this, it would just make their relationship better, he decided. Hardships were normal and made love stronger. Everyone said that.

“Did you get a reply from Kiku?” he asked.

“Yeah. Why do you ask?”

“Just curious.”

Heracles shifted to pick up his laptop. “Do you want to read it?”

“Nah, I don't need to. Did he say anything interesting?”

“He explained what's been going on with him since I left. His older brother has taken over the family business because their father's health is declining. Kiku is still working for the company, but he has requested to be moved to a subsidiary. He thinks it'll allow him to live with a little less pressure.”

“You mean he thinks he could live with a man now?”

“Maybe, but I think it would still be a little complicated.”

That had to be why Kiku had contacted Heracles. He hadn't wanted to just apologize; he had wanted to know if he still had a chance. Would he keep writing to Heracles now that he knew he had a boyfriend?

“He must think you're pretty special if he bothered to write to you after this time even though you live so far away,” he said.

Heracles glanced at him with lifted brows. “Are you jealous?”

Was he? Only a little, maybe, and that was alarming. He should have been filled to the brim with anger and insecurity.

“Yeah,” he said anyway and grabbed Heracles' arm to pull him back down on the bed. “So don't get any stupid ideas, okay?”

***

On his way to work, Lovino compiled a list of things that would turn everything back to normal. The first course of action was to spend less time with Gilbert. Lately, he had been seeing him more than Heracles, so was it any wonder he'd become attracted to him? The second was, naturally, to be more with Heracles and act more like his boyfriend.

Whenever there was a quiet moment at work, he stopped to think about all the good times he had shared with Heracles. The conversations about living in the countryside, cooking together, when the cats joined them in bed and they were both too tired to kick them out. His relationship with Heracles was exactly the lazy way of life without any stress that he had always wanted.

Yet, when he wasn't being careful, he found himself wondering what Gilbert's hair might feel in his hands and how he'd laugh at him when he couldn't get out of bed in the morning. And he hated every second of it. It reminded him of the time he'd scraped his knee raw as a kid and scratched at the scab until he was bleeding again. He knew it would only hurt him more, and yet he couldn't stop.

“Fucking bullshit,” he muttered.

“Don't talk like that, or you'll scare all the customers away!” Feliciano said.

“There's nobody here right now! And why am I stuck with you again? I want to work with Grandpa or Giorgio. They don't bug me all the time.”

“I think Grandpa's teaching him something new.”

“I could do that.”

“I don't think you're a very good teacher. You don't have the patience.”

“At least I'm better than you!”

“You've been in such a bad mood all day. Worse than usual, I mean. Is something wrong?”

“This is the third time you ask, and the answer is still no!”

In reality, he appreciated having Feliciano there with him. His smiling and blabbering made up for the sour expression on Lovino's face, so he doubted the impression the customers got of their shop was all that bad. Nevertheless, he was glad when their shift was over and he could finally go home.

He knew he should go see Heracles. They could go out for coffee, come back and Heracles would sleep in his lap while he watched TV, and then they'd have some good dinner and either a repeat of the fantastic sex or snuggling against each other in bed. It sounded like the perfect evening, but he found himself hesitating.

When Feliciano asked him for a ride home, he got the perfect excuse to prolong his decision a while longer. When they arrived, he realised it was too long since he had last cooked dinner for his family. He'd stay home. Besides, Heracles was no doubt busy working on his book and probably didn't even want to see him.

It would be a dick move not to say anything, so he sent Heracles a message that he'd be having dinner with his family and that he'd come see him on another day. It didn't make him feel much better, nor did telling the same thing to Gilbert an hour later when he asked him if he wanted to see a movie. He was running from them both, and he had no idea what he was trying to accomplish.

“The pasta sure is spicy today,” his grandfather said in the evening when they had sat down to eat.

“It's a new recipe, so stop complaining,” Lovino muttered, shoving a forkful of food into his mouth.

“I'm not complaining! It's bringing back memories. Your grandmother always overdid it with the pepper when she was angry at me!”

“I can't remember,” Feliciano said.

Romulus grinned and pointed his fork at him. “Then maybe she only added the pepper to my portion. She probably didn't want you two cuties to suffer because of me.”

“Took you long enough to figure it out,” Lovino said. He'd seen his grandmother at it a few times, twisting the pepper grinder on top of a small, separate bowl of sauce and muttering to herself about how stupid it had been to marry a younger man. Lovino didn't think his grandfather had ever cheated on her – he just couldn't imagine it, no way – but she would have had to be a saint not to get angry at him every now and then with the way he flirted with everyone.

“And I always told her how exceptional the food was every time it happened! That was never enough to sooth her anger, but after we had put you two to bed, we would –”

“So, what the hell are you teaching Giorgio that's so important that we have to be stuck with the same damn shifts all the time?”

For a while, his grandfather explained how he wanted Giorgio to be able to use the machines alone if the need ever rose. He was already pretty good at it, but he wanted to make sure he got the taste and texture exactly right, so for a while they'd stick to their current arrangement.

“Anyway, Lovino. Are you angry at all of us since you made the whole portion like this?” his grandfather asked.

“I'm eating the same thing, aren't I? I just wanted to try something new today.”

“That's not right,” Feliciano chimed in. “He's been really moody all day.”

“Oh? If you've got problems, you can always come to Grandpa!”

“As if!”

Lovino wanted to storm away from the table, but he was only half-finished with his food. Despite the bickering from the others, he thought it was great and didn't want to waste it. He shovelled the rest into his mouth and told Giorgio it was his turn to do the dishes. The others stayed at the table while he marched into the living room, threw himself on the couch and turned on the TV.

Even though he was angry, he didn't want to go up to his room where he'd be alone with his thoughts. The chatter of his family was a relaxing background noise and helped him feel a little better. No matter how badly he might mess up his relationships, at least he could always come home.

The others joined him a little later, and he grumbled when they decided to switch the channel, but he didn't fight back. There was only crap on every channel anyway, and half of the fun was complaining about it.

He thought back to how many times he had tried to do this with Heracles and how it rarely worked. The other didn't understand why anyone would enjoy watching something that they didn't like, so he tended to use the chance to lean on him and fall asleep. On the rare occasion that Lovino got him to actually watch TV, he was only interested in serious talk shows, documentaries and funny animal videos.

Fuck it, he was thinking about small grievances again. He was supposed to focus on the good moments. Was he never satisfied?

“This movie is such shit. Why are we watching it?”

“It's a romantic comedy. You like those, right?” Giorgio replied.

“Yeah, well, this one sucks! It's too unrealistic. Nobody's problems get solved that easily.”

Feliciano patted him on the shoulder. “That's why people watch these. To get a happy ending!”

To be fair, that was why Lovino watched them as well. It was cathartic to see some down on his luck loser get everything right for once. But this time it only reminded him of the fact that for a while, he had been sure he'd got a lucky break as well. For a short amount of time, everything had been so perfect that he had forgotten that his life had been doomed to be a tragicomedy, and it was always his own fault when something went wrong.

***

They never had the hot, possessive type of sex again. Lovino wasn't sure why. They had sex, alright. Sometimes he made the first move, sometimes Heracles, but the end result didn't change. It was enjoyable, but somehow Lovino had the feeling he was doing it out of habit because couples were supposed to have sex.

One evening, he was tired from work, had picked up pizzas at a place he liked and was on his way to Heracles' apartment. As he was climbing the stairs, he suddenly heard someone call out his name.

“Hey! Hey, you there!”

He stopped and turned around to see Sadiq running up the stairs to catch up with him.

“What do you want?”

Sadiq stopped a step lower, still able to tower over him. He pointed his thumb upstairs. “Just what the heck is going on between you and him?”

“What do you mean?”

“He's gone all weird on me! Whenever I try to pick up a fight with him at the store, his answers are totally half-hearted! No matter what I say, it just doesn't make him angry like it used to. I've only seen him like this right after that long trip to Japan a year or two ago.”

“I don't know what –”

Sadiq interrupted him with an encouraging slap to the back that almost sent the pizzas flying. “So, I figure if you two are fighting or something, get it fixed soon. Working as a cashier is frustrating as hell if I can't let out some steam with that asshole every now and then.”

“I'll see what I can do,” Lovino promised and continued climbing the stairs. It was difficult to ignore the guilt that had been pooling up in his stomach for the past days, and no amount of deception was enough to convince him that Heracles could be feeling down for some other reason. It had to be him.

“Hey, I brought food,” he said as Heracles came to open the door.

“Good, that saves us the trouble of cooking.”

Lovino placed the pizzas on the kitchen counter and began to look for a knife in the drawer. He asked Heracles how his book was coming along, if he was going to visit his parents again soon, and if one of the cats had already given birth. Heracles answered, they ate, and then they sat in silence until Lovino turned on the TV to give himself an excuse not to say anything.

He had broken this relationship. Even when they tried to act normal, they both knew something had changed. Fuck being honest. He should have just kept his mouth shut and not said anything about Gilbert.

The worst part was that he didn't know what to do. His attempts to turn everything back to normal weren't working. He was still thinking about Gilbert, as if all these thoughts had been barricaded inside his mind for months and were gushing out now that there was a hole in his defences.

He still wanted to be with Heracles. He wanted to be happy and for someone to love him. He wanted their old relationship back. But it wasn't fair to cling to Heracles when he couldn't offer him all of himself in return. And yet he couldn't bring himself to even consider ending it.

“What do you want to do tonight?” he asked.

“I don't know. Do you have something in mind?”

“Not really.”

“Mm.”

Lovino kept his attention glued to the TV screen for a while longer. From the corner of his eye, he saw Heracles begin to droop. In the past, he would have leaned against Lovino's shoulder and slept on him, but now there was only the bed frame to keep him sitting.

“Hey,” he said and shook the other by his shoulder. “Don't fall asleep there. You're going to wake up with one hell of a backache.”

“What?” Heracles looked at him like he couldn't right away remember where he was.

“Go to bed if you're that tired.”

“Do you...” Heracles hesitated, then clearly changed his mind about saying anything. He followed Lovino's advice and climbed onto the bed.

“Do I what?”

“Never mind.”

Lovino got on his knees and was about to turn off the TV, but then he decided he wanted the background noise there. He laid his arms on the bed and leaned against it.

“What's wrong?” he asked.

“You don't have to act so clueless. We both know.” Heracles' voice was muffled by the pillow, and Lovino realised it was the first time he saw him sulk.

“Being difficult is my role in this relationship. Tell me what's bugging you,” he said.

“You're still thinking about him.”

Shit. He should have guessed that his attempts to be an amazing boyfriend wouldn't work on Heracles. The other was too clever.

“I'm not doing it on purpose! And I'm working to get over it. Like I said, nothing's going to –”

“I don't care if nothing is going to happen! What good does it do if your thoughts are with him anyway?”

Lovino had seen Heracles angry before, but never at him. At first, he didn't know what to say. Heracles was right. He was being an asshole.

“I'm sorry, okay? I don't want to care about that idiot, but I can't help it! I thought I'd be over him by now. Do you think I want to like him?”

Heracles straightened his form and sat up on the bed. He brushed some of his messy hair from his eyes and glared at Lovino.

“If he was into guys, you'd rather be with him than me.”

“Wha – No, I wouldn't!”

“I saw you two at the party you threw for Ludwig at your shop. You have chemistry. You'd be a good match.”

“How many damn times do I have to say that I don't want to be with him?”

“That's only because you know it's not possible, and you don't want to wish for something that can't be.” Heracles sighed and rubbed his face. “I suppose I should have seen this coming. I always sensed there was something special about your friendship.”

“That's bullshit,” Lovino grumbled. He climbed on the bed and gave Heracles a punch to the shoulder. “I'm with you, not him.”

“I know you can't help who you develop feelings for. I'm not mad at you. But it hurts anyway.”

Lovino's first instinct was to give him another punch, but he couldn't bring himself. This was all his fault, and he didn't know how to fix it.

“I'm sorry,” he said and opted for awkwardly wrapping his arms around Heracles' shoulders. “I'm a total shit head. If I knew how to make it better, I would, but I'm stumped. But please don't think I'm hurting you on purpose or something because I'm not and I just... Shit, I don't even know what I'm trying to say.”

Heracles hummed against his arm. “We need to decide what to do.”

“Not tonight.” It was selfish, but Lovino didn't want to make a decision so soon. He was too miserable and guilty, and he was sure that no matter what they did, it would only make it worse. For a little bit longer, he wanted to pretend that everything was going to be fine.

“Alright. Let's think things through and then talk.”

“Do you think we'd be here if I hadn't told you about Gilbert?”

Heracles was quiet for a moment. “Maybe not yet, but I'm sure I would have figured it out on my own eventually. And then I would have been mad that you hadn't said anything.”

He had done the right thing, Lovino decided. No matter how this ended, the one thing he wanted was for Heracles not to hate him. Whether they stayed together, broke up or came to some kind of weird agreement, he couldn't bear the thought of hurting him even more.


	26. Chapter 26

“Hey!”

Lovino looked up from the counter he was wiping and saw Gilbert march into the shop. His stomach attempted and failed a somersault at the sight, and he quickly resumed his work and tried to look busy.

“Lovino!” Gilbert slammed his hands on the counter. “You have some explaining to do!”

“And so do you! I just finished cleaning that, and now you're smearing your dirt all over it!”

“You first! Why have you been avoiding me?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Gilbert let out a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a snort. “You didn't come to the movies with me even though I asked on two different days, and then you cancelled after you already said you'd come and have a beer with me, and –”

“I've been busy, okay?” Lovino couldn't bring himself to look Gilbert in the eyes. The other was right. He had been avoiding him, thinking that his feelings would go back to normal if he didn't see Gilbert as often as before. It hadn't worked out like he had wanted. In fact, it had got worse because he had begun to miss the bastard.

“Yeah, busy with what?”

“Work! And... and I've been doing stuff with Heracles. You know, my boyfriend?”

Gilbert crossed his arms on his chest and huffed. “Yeah, but that gives you no right to ignore your friends. I mean, I'd get it if you were planning a surprise party for me and wanted me to feel like shit to make the whole thing even better, but on a regular basis like this it's not fun.”

“I'll see what I can do,” Lovino replied. To be honest, he wasn't entirely sure how to enjoy Gilbert's company like before. It was awkward to be around him. What if he looked at him wrong or did something that made Gilbert realise what was going on? That was the one thing he didn't want. Then Gilbert would get weird on him again, and he didn't think he could bear watching how uncomfortable his feelings made him.

If he avoided that and managed to act perfectly normal, he was still digging his own grave deeper. Normal meant having fun with Gilbert. Fun with Gilbert didn't help his feelings fade away. Then he had to worry even more about slipping up. It was an endless spiral of suck that kept plunging him deeper and deeper into shit.

“Ask Francis to go drinking with you,” he suggested.

“I did, but he can't deal with the fact that I get all the chicks, so he put a limit on how often in a week he wants to hang out with me!”

“So now that he said no, you come crawling to your second best option?”

“What's your problem again? I'm trying to be nice and ask you to come to the movies, and you're just spitting on me? Is something wrong?”

“No.”

“Then why? Really, something's been eating you for a while now. You haven't acted normal since Ludi and Kati were here.”

“It's nothing. And – ”

“Oh, my God! Wait, I got it!” A maniacal grin was threatening to split Gilbert's face into two, and Lovino was sure he wouldn't like whatever came out his mouth next. “It's because Ludi wanted me to go back to Germany, right? You think I'm going to change my mind and go home, and you just don't know how to deal with it.”

“That's bullshit!”

Somehow, Gilbert's smirk widened even further. “You mean bullseye! I've learned to read you, and you always resort to desperate denial when someone discovers the embarrassing truth. But don't worry; it's okay. Anyone would be upset if they thought they were going to lose their favourite friend in the world.”

“Yeah, right. I'd be overjoyed if you left. Then you'd stop coming here to bug me while I work!”

Gilbert leaned against the counter and laughed. “Nice try, but you can't fool me. I'll let you off the hook for now, but you still should come to the movies with me. There's a new flick with tons of explosions and zombies!”

It sounded like shit as far as Lovino was concerned, but he bit his tongue and kept the words inside. He just didn't have the heart to be mean to Gilbert again when he was in a better mood, especially since he was so clueless about the real root of the problem. Besides, if he kept responding to Gilbert's every word with a snap, he'd just destroy their friendship, just like he was destroying his love life.

“I'll come with you some other time. I'm busy tonight.”

Gilbert didn't look disappointed. “Sure! I expect you to be ready on Thursday! I'll buy the tickets in advance so that you can't say no.”

“Just don't come complaining to me if you end up wasting your money.”

Going to the movies wouldn't be so bad, Lovino decided. They couldn't talk a lot there, so he'd just watch the film and go out for a quick drink afterwards. Should be easy enough. He'd manage. It would be a normal evening with a friend.

“Hey, I'm sure Heracles can deal with spending a few hours without you. You two were never attached at the hip like this before.”

“We've just decided to spend some more time together. What's so difficult to get about that?”

In reality, Lovino had been spending most evenings at home or at random cafés where he was unlikely to run into anyone he knew. He and Heracles had to talk soon, but he was trying to prolong it for as long as he could. They had to make a decision, and Lovino was afraid of what it'd be. He would have much rather slept all day and only got up to eat until the problem had solved itself through magic or miracle.

Gilbert let out an exaggerated sigh. “I sure hope you'll be in a better mood at the movies. Should I buy you popcorn?”

“I can buy my own! And you bought some last time, so it's my turn anyway. Like I'll want to be indebted to you.”

“I'm not counting. Just make sure you don't look like you just bit into a lemon when you get there. I don't want anyone to think that someone could be having that shitty of a time while hanging out with me!”

“Are you done? You should go before Feliciano comes back from his lunch break.”

“Why?”

“Because then you'd just stay here to blabber with him. We've got work to do.”

“You don't normally complain about having excuses to laze around.”

“Now I am! And don't you have work, too?”

“Nah, not today. It's my day off.”

Lovino should have guessed, he supposed. Gilbert was wearing a T-shirt and jeans, and his hair was the usual mess. It should have repulsed him since he liked his guys with at least some fashion sense, but it was a nice look on him. The smile on his face was as irritating as ever, and Lovino didn't know if he wanted to get rid of it by kissing him or shoving his face into the gelato.

Since neither was an option, he grumbled a little more until Gilbert left. He thought he'd feel better with him gone, but it hardly helped. He was already starting to regret promising to go to the movies with him, and at the same time he was looking forward to it. It was like everything in his social life lately – he just couldn't decide.

Feliciano came back a little later and took over at the shop so that Lovino could go and have lunch. He wasn't feeling hungry, so he only had a cup of coffee and sandwich, mostly because he couldn't go and sit at a café without ordering anything.

It was about a week since he and Heracles had decided that they had to think things over. Lovino hoped Heracles had come to a conclusion of some kind because he certainly hadn't. He still wanted to be with him, and he was sure they could be happy, but he didn't know how much of that was because he loved him and how much because he was afraid of being left alone.

What if he made the wrong choice? It wasn't fair to be with Heracles if he couldn't stop thinking about Gilbert, but what if those feelings disappeared later? He'd be left with nobody. But if he stayed with Heracles when the situation was like this, he'd just feel like a selfish shithead.

He wished Heracles would make the decision. It would be easy; he'd just go along with whatever the other wanted. None of the responsibility would be his, and if things didn't work out, it wouldn't be his fault. But in the end he knew that would bother him even more. This whole mess was his fault, so he had to do something to fix it.

Lovino barely tasted his coffee when it arrived. He couldn't finish his sandwich and decided to take the rest back to the shop because Feliciano was always hungry.

“Here. It tasted like crap, so I brought it to you,” he said as he returned.

“I thought you liked this ham. You've only eaten half of it. Won't you be hungry?” Feliciano asked, but he was already chewing his first bite, and Lovino didn't think he'd get the sandwich back even if he asked.

“I had some soup with it.”

“Oh, nice.”

Lovino almost wished Feliciano had been more suspicious, but everyone in their family loved to eat, so they never assumed that anyone was going hungry if they said they weren't. His grandmother would have been a different story, but as things were, there was nobody to worry that he had lost weight and was suffering from heartbreak.

Talking to someone would probably help him clear his head a little. It was just that the list of people he was close to was so abysmal. Feliciano, Giorgio, his grandfather and Antonio were all useless because they'd give him shit advice and blabber to the whole neighbourhood what was going on with him.

Belle was an option, but Lovino wasn't sure if he wanted to ask her to keep secrets from Antonio, or even how to approach her. Just a few months ago he'd been having these same feelings for her, and now they were gone. The same would happen with Gilbert. He just had to decide what he was going to do while he waited.

In the end, however, he asked Belle out for drinks in the evening. He didn't know if he'd tell her anything, but even if he didn't, there was nothing wrong with friends hanging out. He deserved a break, and at least going out with her gave him a real reason not to see Heracles.

***

“Wow, I can't remember the last time it was just the two of us,” Belle said as they were settling down at a table in front of one of her favourite cafés. Dusk was settling in, but the lights from the shops and restaurants in the street engulfed them in warm light so that it was pleasant to sit outside.

Lovino clutched at the menu in his hands and tried to smile at her. “Yeah. I guess we're both too busy these days. But how's it with you and Antonio? Any news on a better job?”

“No. He's been asking around a lot, but you know what it's like right now. But once I graduate I can try to find something better than waiting tables. I've got a friend at the university who might be able to help.”

“I hope so. You need to move out of that dumpster where you live.” Lovino turned the menu around in his hands. “You deserve better.”

Belle laughed. “That's what Lars keeps telling me every time he calls. I think he still needs some time to warm up to Antonio.”

“I guess it's understandable that he's worri –”

“He's being a jerk! Like I'd ever go back when he can't even bring himself to respect my decisions. I'm not a kid. And I've got a life here.”

“I'm sure everything will get better later.”

“Yeah, and then I'll have the last word and make fun of him for not believing in me.”

“I still think he's just worried about you.” Lovino could sort of understand. Whenever Feliciano was about to do something stupid, he preferred yelling at him and sulking when he wouldn't listen. Maybe he and Lars had more in common than he had realised. Or maybe it was a big brother thing. He should ask Gilbert some time.

He regretted the thought immediately. For a moment, he had forgotten the reason he had asked Belle out in the first place. He still wasn't sure if he wanted to talk to her or what he'd say if he did. Should he tell her it was Gilbert or not reveal the other person's identity?

“Anyway, let's not let Lars ruin the evening. What have you been up to?” she asked.

“Nothing much. I'm fine.” 

A waitress arrived to take their orders, and even though Lovino had been looking at the menu the whole time, he had trouble deciding what he wanted. He fumbled with his words until he settled for a coke and a slice of lemon even though he didn't normally drink soda.

Belle lifted her brows at his choice. “Trying out new things?”

“Coke's not that bad.”

“Funny, I remember you saying it rots your brain and teeth and that only dumbasses drink it when there are so many better alternatives.”

Lovino took a gulp of his drink. “Well, I can change my mind, can't I?”

“You don't change your mind even when you know you're wrong. You're a mule. So, what's bugging you?”

“If I tell you, can you promise you'll keep it a secret? You can't tell even Antonio.”

“I don't know. Is this something that involves him?”

“No, it's got nothing to do with him.”

“Then sure.”

“Right. So...” Lovino decided to just get the whole thing over with. “My relationship with Heracles is turning into shit because I like someone else, and I told him, and he's upset, and I don't know how to fix it because I like them both and have no idea what the hell to do!”

“Whoa,” Belle said and took a sip of her ice tea. “That's... Wow, when did that even happen? I didn't notice anything.”

“It's not like I want the whole world to know what a dick I can be. I realised it only some time ago, but I think it's been going on for much longer. I was just too dumb to notice.”

“Who is it?”

“Does that matter?”

Belle gave him a curious look but didn't press on it. Lovino was glad about that. He wasn't here to talk about Gilbert. He knew what to do about him, which was nothing. It was Heracles he wanted her input on.

“I guess not. What are you going to do?”

“That's just it. I don't know. I want everything to go back to the way it was, but I don't know how. Heracles is mad at me, and he's got a good reason! I wish I could just stop giving a shit about that other person, but even then I don't know if he'll trust me anymore.”

“Do you still want to be with Heracles?”

“Yeah, of course I do.” Lovino knew how selfish he had to sound. It was like he wanted to keep all the advantages of his relationship with Heracles even though he no longer deserved them. Guys who fell for other people were shitty boyfriends.

“Maybe I should break up with him,” he said, choosing to pretend that the stinging in his eyes was because of the lemon slice. “I mean, if I can't even manage to have feelings only for him, what hope do I have? Hell, if I stay with him, can I be sure that I won't cheat on him one day, or –”

“Hey, calm down.” Belle reached over the table to take the hand that was gripping the coke glass. “Don't be so hard on yourself. Stop worrying about things that haven't even happened yet.”

“It's all that's on my mind.”

“Then maybe you're right. Maybe you do need a break.”

Lovino figured he must have looked startled because Belle was swift to continue, “I mean, take some distance to this. A lot of couples take breaks to work things out separately. This sounds like something that needs time to get sorted out.”

She had a point. Most of his anxiety was probably caused by his desperation to find a solution right away. He needed to wait, and staying with Heracles all that time wasn't fair. He wanted to believe otherwise, but he knew he'd destroy the relationship even further if he did.

“I guess you're right,” he muttered. “It's just... I can't believe I ruined this.”

Belle patted his hand and smiled. “I'm sure everything will work out. You'll see.”

***

Lovino couldn't say he felt much better after his conversation with Belle, but her words had given him some of the determination he needed to do the right thing. He knew he'd chicken out if he waited until morning, so he messaged Heracles to ask if it was alright that he came over to talk.

He had already parked his Vespa by the building where the other lived when he got a reply that told him to go ahead. He did his best to ignore the disturbance in his stomach that was threatening to make him throw up and climbed the stairs as fast as he could.

“You shouldn't have run all the way up,” Heracles said when he opened the door and let him in.

“I didn't,” Lovino lied and tried to breathe normally even though his lungs were screaming for more air.

“What brought you here? It's been a while.”

“Yeah. I've, uh... been busy. And I didn't want to bother you since you're working on the book and all. How's it coming along?”

“I've made most of the changes my editor suggested. Now it just needs some polishing.”

“That's great.”

“So, why are you here?”

Heracles made the question sound so casual, but his words cut into Lovino anyway. It was no longer normal that he'd just drop by to hang out with his boyfriend.

“I talked to Belle. She thinks – No, I mean, I think that... I'm not being fair to you. My feelings are such a mess right now that I can't think straight. That's why I think it would be better if...” Lovino stopped to swallow the lump in his throat. “Maybe we should break up for a while.”

He couldn't think of many things in his life that had been as difficult as forcing out those words. Heracles was frowning in confusion, and Lovino couldn't help but think how alien it looked on him. He was always the one who figured everything out sooner, so this couldn't come as a shock to him, right?

“It doesn't have to be forever!” Lovino hurried to add. “I just don't think I can be a good boyfriend right now, so I figure that –”

“You think you should let me go?”

“Yeah! Exactly!”

“If I wanted that, don't you think I would have suggested it already?” 

Lovino was at a loss for words. Belle had convinced him that this was the best course of action, so he had been sure that Heracles would agree to it right away. He couldn't really want to deal with him when he was a mess like this.

“I don't think you're doing this because of me. You're just making it look like that to feel better about yourself,” Heracles said, voice stiff with anger and hurt. “In the end, this is all about you.”

“Yeah? Well, so what if it is? I can't keep going like this! I need a break to sort this out, and I'd feel like shit if I forced you to be stuck with me through that, especially if the end result is that I can't get over Gilbert as quickly as I want.”

“So you'd rather push me away than let me help you?”

“There's nothing you can do right now. I have to do this alone. It's better that way.” At least Lovino hoped so, his determination beginning to crack. He couldn't bear to see Heracles unhappy because of him, so he had thought this was the right thing to do, but maybe this was just another way of running away from the problem.

“I'm sorry. I need this,” he continued. “I don't know what's the right thing to do. Maybe I'm just screwing things up even more. But I have to focus on one thing at a time, and right now it's forgetting about Gilbert. Once I'm done with that... and if you still want me, I'll come back. But you don't have to wait for me. If someone comes along, go for it.”

Heracles was quit for a long time before letting out an unhappy sigh. “I would have liked to talk about this before you made up your mind. You act like this problem is all about you and that I'm not involved in any way.”

“That's because it _is_ my problem!”

“No, it's ours! You said I wouldn't lose you because of Gilbert, and it's happening anyway.”

Lovino bumped his head into the wall and closed his eyes. “I know. I'm sorry. I didn't think it'd get this bad.”

“So, you like him even more than before?”

“I... I don't know. Maybe. I mean, at first I thought I just thought he was hot, but... See, this is exactly why I need this break! I have to figure this out by myself.”

“Are you going to cut him out of your life as well until you've made up your mind?”

“Huh? Like how? He'd know something is up right away!”

Heracles glared at him for a moment, but then his features softened. “I suppose you're right. Maybe I'm being selfish, too.”

“No, don't be stupid. You have every right to be mad.”

“But not unreasonable. And no matter how upset I am right now, I don't want you to go and think that I hate you. It might make it difficult to come back later. So, take all the time you want, and then we'll see where we are.”

Lovino felt so relieved he wouldn't have been surprised if his knees had given in under him. 

“Thanks. I can't even say how much that means to me.”

“That's hardly something new,” Heracles said, and while Lovino couldn't decide if the joke was affectionate or not, it made him feel like not all was lost between them.

“So... I guess I'll be going. Let me know if something happens. It's not like we have to be strangers, I guess. And I mean what I said earlier. I'm going to kick your ass if I hear you were dumb enough to pass on some nice guy because you were waiting for me to get my shit sorted out.”

The walk out of the apartment and the drive home were like a distant dream. Lovino couldn't remember a single detail nor whether he stopped at any red lights or just drove on and miraculously managed not to crash into anything. It wasn't until he had stepped inside and slammed the door shut behind him that he realised what he had done.

He and Heracles weren't together anymore. He was alone, and he had no idea what he should do next.

“There had better be some food in the fucking fridge!” he yelled as he marched into the kitchen.

Feliciano looked up from the magazine he was reading. “There should be some lasagne leftovers and –” he started, but he was cut off by the sound of Lovino nearly wrenching the fridge door off its hinges. He grabbed the bowl and brought it back to the table where he began to shove the lasagne into his mouth without bothering to warm it first.

“Lovino, why are you crying? Has it gone bad?”

“Shut up and let me eat!”

“Does it hurt somewhere? Did someone ram into you with a car?”

“Do you think I'd be here if someone had, dumbass?”

“Then what is it?”

Lovino filled his mouth with some more lasagne. “I broke up with Heracles,” he mumbled.

“What? What happened? You were so happy!” Feliciano's eyes looked like they might pop out of his head at any moment.

“It wasn't working out.”

“What do you mean? Did you fight about something stupid? You should call him and make up. You shouldn't break up just because of a fight.”

“Did I say it was a fight?”

“No, but –”

“We didn't fight! It's that... we...” Lovino found he didn't want to give the details to Feliciano, not now. He stuffed his mouth with more food to the point of bursting so that he wouldn't have to talk. For a moment, he tried to channel his energy into stopping himself from crying, but then he decided that nobody in the world had the right to ask him to be strong or reasonable right now. As soon as he had swallowed, he threw his fork on the table in protest and buried his head into his arms.

He heard Feliciano say something, but he didn't bother to answer. Even if he had wanted, he didn't think he could have. Angry sobs shook his body and made it difficult to breathe until he was sure he'd suffocate. Part of him wondered if that wouldn't have been better since passing out seemed like the only thing that would make him calm down.

He had messed up so bad. The best relationship of his life was over; he had hurt Heracles, and now he had to pick up the pieces alone. Thinking about Gilbert was like wading knee-deep in tar. He didn't know what to do about him. What if he never got over his stupid feelings, or what if it took years, like with Antonio? What was he going to do about Heracles who deserved better than this and was still so understanding and patient with him?

“Hey, Lovino?”

“Leave me alone!” Lovino snapped, or at least tried to. He wasn't sure the sounds that escaped his mouth resembled words in any way. And sure enough, Feliciano didn't go away. He moved his chair close and began to pat him on the back.

“Don't worry. I'm sure he'll take you back. Or if he doesn't, there's always someone else.”

“I don't want anyone else.”

“That's what you said after Marco, Valentina and Luca, too! And you got over them just fine.”

Lovino knew Feliciano had a point, but he didn't want to admit it. He'd be over all this shit one day, but right now he was hurting, angry and disappointed. The only effect his brother's optimistic words had on him was that they frustrated him even more and made him want to kick the chair from under him.

“I'm going to bed,” he announced but made no move to get up.

“You should have a shower first. You look like a wreck, and it would make you feel better. I know! I'll let you use my new shampoo! It cost me a fortune, but I'll share tonight. Okay?”

Lovino grumbled a reply into his arm. He felt Feliciano's hands sneak up from behind him and how he rested his chin on his shoulder.

“It'll be okay,” his brother said. “You'll see.”


	27. Chapter 27

Lovino didn't sleep well the following night. It was difficult to find a comfortable position, so he kept rolling back and forth and trying to mould his pillow into something that wasn't too soft or hard. He made several trips to the kitchen to get some water, less because he was thirsty and more because the silence of the old house had a calming effect on his nerves.

It was too bad that when he returned to his room after the third time, desperate to finally get some sleep, he discovered the sock that Heracles had lost on the last occasion he had been over. The very first thought that crossed his mind, however briefly, was taking the damn thing to bed with him, and that left him so angry at himself that he marched back downstairs and threw it into the trash.

He regretted that decision almost as soon as he was back in his room, so he made yet another trip to the kitchen and decided to keep the sock in his closet for the time being. It was a compromise, and he had been told all his life that he needed to learn to make them.

“Hey, what's with the racket you're making here? Can't sleep?”

Lovino nearly jumped out of his skin at his grandfather's voice and hit his knee into the door of the closest cupboard. The lights were turned on, and he grimaced and shielded his eyes with the hand that was holding the sock.

“Why are you digging through the trash?” His grandfather walked to the fridge and opened it. “Look, we've got plenty of stuff here.”

“I'm not eating the trash!”

“Well, I hope not, or your grandma is going to come and haunt me until the end of my days.”

“And what are you doing here?”

His grandfather shrugged. “I remembered the bottle of wine I opened with the guys today. We had better drink it before it goes bad.”

Lovino sat down and said nothing as his grandfather found them glasses and poured both of them half full. Wine was exactly what he needed. Anything to make him forget about his life for a while, even if he'd regret it in the morning. Thankfully he wouldn't be working until after noon.

“So, Feliciano told me you broke up with Heracles.” Romulus took a generous gulp of his wine. “Did he do something to you? Should I go over there and give him a piece of my mind? It's been some time since I was in a good fight, but I'm sure I could beat him up!”

“No, don't you dare! He's done nothing wrong. If I hear you went anywhere near him, I'm disowning you.”

“You can't do that! I'm older. But if he didn't do anything, then what went wrong?”

Lovino played with the glass in his hands. Even though he had wanted the wine so much, he hadn't taken even a small sip yet.

“I did something,” he finally admitted.

“What? It can't have been that bad! Everybody makes mistakes, but you can always fix them. If you want, I'll tell you this one trick that'll make him forgive you, no matter what you did!”

“It's not going to be that fucking easy.”

“Why not?”

Lovino hesitated a moment, not sure if this was something he should be telling his grandfather. He had a big mouth and might let it slip, but he was his _grandfather._ No matter what flaws he had as a person, he had always taken care of him.

“Okay, I know this is a dumb question, but after you married Grandma, did you ever wonder what it would be like with someone else?” he asked.

“Huh?” For a moment, his grandfather stared at him with a baffled expression, but then it was as if a light switch had been flipped on inside his head. A goofy grin spread on his face. “Oh, you want to know if I ever thought about having a little fun with someone else? Of course! The way I see it, life is meant to be enjoyed.”

“What, so you screwed around all over the place? Did she know about that?”

“Hey, wait! I never said I did anything! I said I thought about it. And talked, too. Every time I saw a pretty face in town, I would tell your grandma what kind of thoughts she gave me, and then we'd do a little this and that together.”

“And she was fine with that?”

“Yeah, because she knew it was nothing serious. And she did the same sometimes when she saw someone she liked, though it wasn't that often. Is this the problem you're having with Heracles? Do you want to try it with someone else? Maybe you should suggest you invite that person to –”

“No! That's not it!” Lovino snapped, not sure if his face was burning because of anger or embarrassment. “I don't want to experiment, dammit! I want... I mean, there's someone else I keep thinking about, but not just like that!”

His grandfather let out a long, thoughtful hum. “So, you broke up with Heracles because you fell in love with someone else? Sounds perfectly normal to me! I don't see what the problem is.”

“Fuck this. I'm going to bed,” Lovino decided. It had been stupid to think he'd get one half-intelligent word out of his grandfather. He had lived following his basic instincts and never thinking all through is life. It had to be pure luck that he was still alive. While Lovino wouldn't have wanted to spend his life with his head eternally in the clouds, he couldn't help but be a little jealous of how simple things were for some people. 

“Wait a minute! You can't just walk out on your own grandpa! Sit down, I have more advice for you.”

“Tch, like what?”

His grandfather patted the table and gestured for him to come back. “I'm going to tell you a secret.”

“About what?”

“Your grandma.”

It was the answer Lovino had been least expecting, and while there was a part of him that suspected this was going to be just more of his grandfather's crazy sex talk, he was too curious to pass the chance to hear something new about his grandmother. He couldn't imagine what it could be as his grandfather was always talking about her anyway.

“I guess you have no way of knowing this, but she was actually married to someone else before me.”

“What? To whom?”

“His name was Attilio. A fun guy; he worked at the old grocery store down the street.”

“And what happened?”

His grandfather shrugged. “There was some kind of accident. I'm not really sure. I was spending the summer elsewhere, and she didn't like to talk about it. I didn't ask much because life is too short to be wasted on sad things.”

“Okay, so? Am I supposed to feel sad or something? I didn't even know the guy.” Maybe it was horrible of him, but he didn't really care about any of this. As far as he was concerned, his grandparents had been made for each other, so he was almost glad her first husband had died.

“You wouldn't say that if you'd met him,” his grandfather said, scratching his chin absent-mindedly.

“Well, I can't meet him. Why are you telling me this?”

“I'm just trying to make you see that you shouldn't worry so much! Your grandma felt like her life was over when Attilio died, but then look what happened! She got me! The same will happen to you. And when it does, you don't have to feel guilty like you're doing now. It's okay to fall in love again, and it doesn't make your old relationships meaningless.”

Lovino made a face and shifted his feet awkwardly. “Hell, I guess all your advice isn't such shit after all.”

“I was helpful, wasn't I? Just leave it to Grandpa! I'm sure it's only a matter of time before you find a well-built hunk like me and forget all about your problems!” His grandfather laughed and and poured himself another glass of wine to congratulate himself.

“On second thought, I've heard enough garbage from you for one night.”

“You're breaking my heart. My advice was great. You said so yourself!”

Lovino let out an irritated sound and stood up. He was tired and this time he was pretty sure he'd finally fall asleep as soon as he made it back to bed, but he couldn't say if it was because his grandfather's words had helped or because they had made his brain short-circuit. Either way, he felt a little better.

“You should get to bed, too, you old fart. You're working the morning shift with Giorgio, and you're going to be even more of a nuisance if you're sleep-deprived and have a hangover.”

“The youth of today is incredibly ungrateful, but you'll see that I'm right,” his grandfather replied cheerfully as he continued emptying the bottle.

Unlike he had thought, Lovino spent a while longer lying on his bed before sleep overcame him. He had never suspected that his grandmother might have been married twice. She had never talked about her first husband and had always seemed perfectly content with her life with them. Had it really been that simple for her?

His mother would know more, he found himself musing, and even before he was done with the thought, an intense wave of self-loathing struck him. He was just like his parents, ready to abandon Heracles because he suddenly wanted something more.

He wondered if his parents had ever felt guilty about not coming back for them. All his life, he had wanted to believe no because it was easier to think they were heartless assholes than see anything good in them and admit that he missed them. Now he wasn't so sure.

Maybe there was even a treacherous part of him that wished he could talk to them. His grandfather meant well, but he'd married the love of his life before turning twenty. He couldn't understand what Lovino was going through. But he knew he'd only create more problems for everyone if he tried to contact his parents, especially at a moment like this, so he didn't even entertain the thought.

“Fuck this,” he muttered and covered his head with his pillow. He needed sleep, not this roller-coaster of emotions that was dragging all his issues to the surface when he had worked so hard to get rid of them.

***

Somehow, Lovino made it through his shift at work. He tried to escape to the back whenever it wasn't a busy time, but Feliciano always dragged him away, saying that it wasn't good for him to be alone with his thoughts. Lovino supposed he had a point. At least his brother's blabbering gave him something other than himself to be irritated at.

As the evening was nearing to a close, he got a message on his phone.

_Haha, I have the tickets! It's too late to cancel now!_

“Fuck,” Lovino muttered.

Feliciano turned to look at him. “What is it?”

“I was supposed to go to the movies with Gilbert and forgot to call him and say I'm not coming. Now he's bought the stupid tickets.”

“Sounds like fun! You should go! Hanging out with friends always helps when I'm feeling down!”

“I barely slept last night. I just want to go to bed.” That, and he wasn't sure how to deal with Gilbert at the moment. He would have to tell him he had broken up with Heracles, and talking about it with him when he played such a big part in it could only be uncomfortable.

On the other hand, he had promised he'd go, and he'd be a dick if he cancelled on such a short notice. He was sure Gilbert would understand if he said he didn't feel like going out so soon after breaking up with Heracles, but using that as an excuse felt cheap.

“Why don't you go?” he suggested. “Gilbert likes you, and then he wouldn't have to waste a ticket.”

“Sorry, I've already got plans. And I don't think it's very nice of you to shove this on me. If you don't want to go, you should tell him.”

“And you should be a good brother and support me when I need it, dammit.”

Feliciano grinned at him. “Enabling your bad behaviour isn't going to help you in the long run. You'll thank me later.”

It was almost the same thing his grandfather said. Lovino knew they were both right, that he wasn't solving any of his problems by moping around and avoiding having to face them. But that didn't mean he had to like it or appreciate their smug, know-it-all approach to telling him what to do.

“Fine! I'll go see that stupid movie with him!” He began to write Gilbert a message that he'd see him in front of the theatre. “But if something goes wrong because I'm too tired and not in the mood, it's going to be your fault!”

“What could go wrong? You're just going to the movies.”

“I didn't ask for your opinion!”

Later that evening, Lovino had to hurry to make it to the movie theatre because he'd been putting off leaving for as long as he could. It was stupid since he knew he had to go, and the only thing he accomplished was almost being late because he couldn't find space for his Vespa near the theatre.

Gilbert greeted him with a grin. “There you are! I was starting to think you'd stood me up.”

“Let's just go before they stop taking people in,” Lovino said, trying to brush off the guilt over the fact that he had actually considered just not showing up.

Since they already had tickets, there was just enough time to grab some popcorn before they had to be inside the theatre. Lovino didn't really care for any, but he paid half the price for the biggest portion anyway, figuring it was the easiest way out and that Gilbert would be able to eat most of it by himself.

The movie Gilbert had picked was a mindless action flick with too many explosions and not enough plot, but Lovino didn't mind. That meant he was able to follow the story even though his mind kept wandering all over the place.

Was it okay that he was here, hanging out with Gilbert? If he really wanted to save his relationship with Heracles, shouldn't he have ended his friendship with Gilbert instead? No wonder Heracles had been upset. He must have thought Lovino had already chosen between him and Gilbert.

It hadn't even crossed his mind that he'd tell Gilbert they couldn't be friends anymore. Some distance maybe, but not the kind of break-up he had forced on Heracles. It wasn't right to feel that way, but he had the feeling that if he had to make the same choice again now, he'd still rather let go of his boyfriend.

“Haha, did you see that?” Gilbert whispered and leaned closer. “That was so fake!”

“Of course it was. That's what special effects are for!”

“Hmm.” Gilbert stuffed his mouth full of popcorn. “I kind of like older movies where you can see the actors do that stuff. It's more exciting that way.”

“I guess.”

The popcorn bucket was shoved into his hands. “Hey, you haven't had any yet! Take some!”

“I'm not hungry.”

“You don't eat popcorn because you're hungry. You eat it because it tastes awesome!”

“Shut up! I want to watch the movie!”

Lovino tried to focus on the film for their remaining time in the theatre, but it was increasingly difficult. Gilbert wasn't someone he could easily ignore, not even now when all he was doing was sitting by his side and keeping more or less quiet. In fact, that was in many ways worse since Lovino had all the time in the world to feel their arms touch or listen to Gilbert's voice in his ear when the other couldn't help but press himself against him to comment on the movie.

Fuck. It had been a day since he had broken up with Heracles, and here he was, acting like a teenager on his first goddamn date. Good thing the theatre was nearly dark because Lovino was sure his conflicting emotions were painted right on his face.

The movie lasted for two hours, which was almost enough time for him to examine every possible shade of guilt and self-loathing that he could imagine. By the time it was over, he was ready to run out of the theatre and hide somewhere, but Gilbert insisted on going out for a while.

“It's your fault I had to eat all that popcorn myself! Now I'm super thirsty, so you owe it to me to grab something to drink with me!” he reasoned.

“I'm not in the mood. I'm going home.”

“What? How can you not be in the mood? It's been ages since we've done anything together!”

“I had an awful day at work today. I just want to go to bed!”

Gilbert was staring at him in bewilderment, and Lovino found himself forced to turn his eyes away and pretend that he was examining one of the movie posters that was hanging on the wall in the lobby.

“Let's come again some time,” he said to soothe Gilbert's disappointment. “We could see this one.”

“That's the movie we just saw!”

“Huh?”

Gilbert circled around him so that he was looking straight at him and grabbed his elbows. “Something's seriously wrong with you! Come on, you can tell me! I'm your buddy! I'll make it better!”

Lovino opened his mouth to say something, but nothing useful came to his mind. It seemed that for the time being, Gilbert's concern was overshadowing his ego. He was actually worried and not asking how it was possible to be so distracted in his company.

And then there was the pathetic part of him that was both happy and sad that Gilbert could pull his head out of his ass for long enough to see that something was wrong with him.

“Buy me a fucking beer! Then I'll come with you!” he snapped.

“Didn't you ride your Vespa here?”

“I'll walk home if it gets that far.”

“Sure, let's go! I'm the best at cheering people up, so I'll have you in a better mood in no time! I'll buy you my favourite beer!”

“I didn't say I wanted to drink piss! No German imports!”

“You have no idea what you're missing, but whatever. I'll get you a Peroni.”

Gilbert dragged him into a small bar near-by. He made Lovino sit down at a small table in the corner and marched off to buy them drinks like he was on a mission. Not long after, he returned and shoved a bottle in front of him.

“Now let's drink! I'll make you happy again!”

“Only dumbasses try to drink their problems away,” Lovino said, but that didn't stop him from opening the bottle and taking a swig of his beer.

“Works for me every time. Not that I have any big problems.”

Lovino rolled his eyes and bit his cheek to resist the temptation of pointing out that Gilbert had run his company into the ground so thoroughly that his kid brother had had to step in and save his ass, or that he had needed a punch to the face to stop being an idiot and running away from his family. As appealing as it seemed, he knew there was no point in wasting time with arguments and that he had to do this some time.

“I broke up with Heracles yesterday,” he said.

Gilbert froze in the middle of taking a mouthful of his beer, strange panic flashing on his face and making Lovino want to duck under the table because he was sure all the beer in Gilbert's mouth was going to come spraying right at him. But then the other swallowed with a loud gulp and coughed to clear his throat.

“What? You're joking, right?”

“Why the hell would I? Do you think it's funny?”

“No! But what the heck? I thought things were going well!”

“You thought wrong.”

“So, what happened? Did he do something?”

“It just wasn't working out.” That was all the explanation Gilbert was going to get. It wasn't like he could ever tell him the truth, and he figured that the less he lied, the less likely it was that his words would come and bite him in the butt in the future.

“But I didn't notice anything!”

“What, were you looking? And it's not like people like to broadcast these things to the whole fucking world!”

Gilbert let out a nervous laugh and began to play with his beer bottle. “Now I guess I get why you've been in such a pissy mood lately. Even my awesome company can't keep someone happy if they're going through shit like that. But don't worry, I'm sure things will get better soon!”

“Like how?”

“You need to find a new boyfriend! I know, I'll ask Francis. I bet he knows tons of gay guys. I'm surprised he's not one himself!” Gilbert began to dig out his pone. “Or do you want a chick this time instead? I've got the number of this really hot –”

“I'm not looking for a new relationship! I feel like shit, and you aren't helping!”

“Huh, I don't get it. If things weren't working out, then dumping him was a good thing, right?”

Lovino leaned his chin on his palm and huffed into his hand. “It's not that simple, dammit.”

“Fine, I guess not. Man, I never thought this would happen. Do you want me to get you another beer? Because the way I see it, this situation is begging for you to get so wasted that you pass out under the table and forget about everything for a while!”

“Tch. I wish. I've got to go to work tomorrow. And so do you.”

“I never said I'd get that drunk! I'd stay sober and watch over you so that nothing goes wrong when you drown your heartache.”

“I'm pretty sure that would just ensure that something bad would happen. But thanks, I guess.” 

Gilbert grinned, looking very pleased with himself. “Yeah, I'm a great person to go to when you need cheering up! And after you helped me out with Ludi, I figure you deserve the best I can offer. So, from now on you aren't allowed to be sad when I'm around!”

Easier said than done when he was the main source of Lovino's problems, but it was nice to know that Gilbert wanted to be there for him. Maybe one day he'd learn to appreciate that without the bitter edge of knowing that he couldn't have more. And in some twisted way, Gilbert's concern _did_ help him feel better because it showed him that there was more to him than his ego, so developing feelings for him didn't mean he was going nuts.

“I need to get home,” he said.

“What? Already?”

“Yeah, I'm tired. Last night was shit, so I didn't get a lot of sleep.”

“Okay, I guess I'll come, too. Drinking alone is tons of fun, but this once I'll skip it.”

He hadn't finished his beer, so Lovino decided to ride his Vespa back home. Gilbert accompanied him because he lived in the same direction, but his cheery mood seemed to have faded a little after they had left the bar. He wasn't babbling like usual, and since Lovino wasn't in the mood for a chat either, they walked in silence until they reached the spot where he had left the Vespa.

“You sure you can ride it?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah, I'm not even drunk.”

“Okay. Then I guess I'll just go.” But instead he just shoved his hands into his pockets and made no move to leave, watching as Lovino took out his helmet from the compartment.

“Was there something more you wanted?”

“Eh, not really.” Gilbert sniffed and reached up to rub his nose. “Or I guess I just wanted to say that I'm sorry it didn't work out with Heracles. Life sucks sometimes.”

“You can say that again.”

“But you shouldn't feel down for too long! You'll find someone else!”

“I already said I'm not looking for anyone!”

“Yeah, but you know what I mean! When you're feeling up to it, I'll throw a huge party and invite all my friends so that you can meet new people. I have a lot of friends and they're all great!”

“Bullshit. I'd be surprised if you knew anyone besides Antonio and Francis. If you had that many friends, you wouldn't have to beg me to come to movies with you so often.”

“T-that's different! But now I really have to go or I'll miss this awesome show on TV, so bye! See you later!”

Lovino watched Gilbert retreat hastily and wave at him before he put on the helmet and climbed onto the Vespa. He decided it had done him some good to hang out with Gilbert even though he had been so against the idea at first. Everything had been pretty normal, so maybe it wouldn't be too difficult to keep their friendship the way it was.


	28. Chapter 28

Lovino always felt weird entering his grandparents' bedroom. They had never forbidden him and Feliciano from going there, but throughout his childhood he had thought of it as some sort of sanctuary larger than life. Even now that he was much older, he made sure his hands were clean before he opened the antique bedside drawer.

The room was still full of his grandmother's things. His grandfather had a habit of letting things lie around, so her clothes were in the closet and her socks under the bed. The first thing Lovino saw when he opened the drawer was her jar of moisturiser. 

“Hey, what are you doing? Why are you snooping around?”

He turned around to see Feliciano standing by the door.

“Grandpa said I could.”

“Oh! Then let me, too!” Feliciano entered the room and knelt by Lovino's side to take a look inside the drawer. “What are we looking for?”

“An envelope.”

“Why? What's inside?”

“You'll see if I find it! Stop bothering me!”

He had asked his grandfather if they had any photos of his grandmother's first husband. Apparently, there was only their wedding picture, but his grandfather wasn't sure where it was. His grandmother had kept it in an envelope somewhere in the room, but she hadn't looked at it often.

He wasn't sure why he cared enough to dig through a drawer full of ancient hairpins, buttons and other junk, but he wanted to find the picture. Somehow, it was important that it didn't get lost.

“Is that it?” Feliciano asked when he pulled out a small book that had something tucked in between the pages.

Lovino didn't reply as he flipped through the pages to find a yellowed envelope between them. Inside there was a photo that looked even older. It was worn around the corners and the image was unclear, even for an old black and white picture. Nevertheless, he could recognise the woman in the photo as his grandmother, somewhat younger than in his grandparents' wedding photo that was in the living room.

“Is that Grandma? Why is she in a wedding dress? And who's the man?” Feliciano asked, peering at the picture over Lovino's shoulder.

“That's her first husband.”

“What? She was married before? I had no idea!” Feliciano grabbed the picture from him and brought it close to his face. “He looks like a nice guy, but he's not as handsome as Grandpa. Where did he go?”

“Died somehow. I don't know.”

“That sucks. Grandma must have been really sad. But on the bright side, she could get married to Grandpa, and then they had mum, and she had us, so I guess things worked out for everyone!”

“You're so stupid,” Lovino and took the picture back. He wasn't sure what he was going to do with it or why he had wanted to find it in the first place, but seeing the face of the man whom his grandmother had loved first made his grandfather's words more concrete.

He was sure her life had been happy and that she had loved all of them. But had she ever felt guilty that she had found someone else and started a family with him? Had there been times when she had thought she should have suffered for longer? Then again, she had always been so confident and firm, the one person in his life he knew he could always trust. She probably hadn't let guilt over things she couldn't change wreck her like he was doing to himself.

Dammit, she would have been able to tell him what to do. If she had told him there was nothing wrong with him and that he shouldn't blame himself, he just might have believed her.

“This should have been framed years ago,” he said.

“Maybe Grandma didn't want to keep looking at it. It probably made her sad.”

“There's no harm doing it now. It's not like she's here to see it.”

Feliciano let out a hum of agreement. “If you want to, but why do you care so much? We didn't know him.”

“I guess,” Lovino said and slipped the picture back into the envelope. If his grandmother had wanted the picture around, she would have kept it in the living room. Maybe he should take the same approach and not think about Heracles all the time. He had other things to focus on and the sooner he got them out of the way, the happier he'd be.

“Hey, there's even more old stuff in the basement. Do you want to take a look? Some of the things have been there for ages!” Feliciano suggested.

“No thanks. I've wasted enough time looking at ancient shit. I'm going out to buy vegetables for dinner.”

“Okay! I'll take a look by myself.”

“Just don't cut yourself on anything and don't try to reach for anything high. I don't want to come back and have to clean up after you've killed yourself and bled all over the floor.”

“You never clean anything in the first place. You always leave your mess for me to deal with!”

Lovino made a rude hand gesture on his way out the door. He decided to indulge himself and make his favourite sauce for dinner. He deserved something nice, and if nobody else was going to pamper him, he'd do it himself.

As he was strolling the aisles for vegetables, he couldn't help but think of the last time he had bought some and taken them to Heracles' place. Cooking with him had been fun as they had grown up using different combinations of spices, so he had learned some new tricks from him. He didn't know when he'd be able to eat thyme again without thinking about him.

He wondered how Heracles was doing. It had been only a few days, and he already missed him, even though they had gone without seeing each other for longer. The idea of sending him a message or stopping by the cafés he knew Heracles liked was tempting, but he knew nothing good would come out of it. He'd just make Heracles even more upset and feel more pathetic about himself on top of it.

“Hey, Lovino!”

He froze at the sound of Antonio's voice. He had sent him a message earlier to let him know that he and Heracles were no longer together. Antonio had immediately suggested they should go out because he wanted to cheer him up, but Lovino had refused.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked as the other reached him.

Antonio lifted his shopping basket. “I'm buying vegetables, see?”

“Bullshit! There are at least five stores closer to your home than this one. Why are you here?”

“I thought I'd come to this store for a change. I know you like this place's tomatoes the best, and you always make spaghetti with _sugo alla puttanesca_ when you're upset, so I thought I might see you here.”

“You still didn't need to come all this way,” Lovino muttered and turned his attention back to the vegetables.

“No, but I wanted to. Someone needs to make sure you aren't just going to grumble to yourself all day.” Antonio reached past him and grabbed a tomato from the end of the box. “This one looks really good! You should have it.”

“I can pick them on my own!”

Antonio began to collect tomatoes into a plastic bag and weighed them on a scale. As Lovino had been expecting, he then placed the bag into his basket, not his own.

“I said I can do it myself!”

“Do you need onions, too?”

Lovino sighed and decided to give up. He let Antonio drag him around the store and place items into his basket, occasionally complaining that what he picked wasn't good enough but letting Antonio do as he pleased anyway.

“If you're going to make me buy this second-rate stuff, the least you can do is take it home with me and let me cook you dinner. Then you'll see we should have taken the other garlic,” he said when they were done and exiting the store.

“I'm sure it'll be great anyway. And yeah, I'll come! I have a free evening.”

“You should probably spend it with Belle, then.”

“She already made other plans and can't cancel. So I'll come over to your place! I'll help you cook, too. It's been ages since we did it together.”

“Sure, whatever. But you have to find yourself something else to do first. I've got work tonight.”

“Then I'll go to your place and get started. You'll have dinner waiting for you when you get home!”

“You just said we'd cook together!”

Antonio gave him a confused look. “Is that what you want? Wouldn't you like it more if the food was ready when you come back?”

No, he wouldn't, Lovino realised. Right now he wanted to do stuff with Antonio. He had missed him and how they had used to spend so much time together. Nowadays he was more often with Gilbert, but Antonio was still his best friend.

“I don't trust you to make it right,” he said. “Keep Grandpa company until I get there and don't you dare start making anything without me.”

***

That evening made some things clear for Lovino. The first was that he and Antonio needed to find more time in their lives for each other. They'd been together since childhood – marriage, dating and work shouldn't separate them. No matter how annoying Antonio could be, he made him feel like he wasn't totally hopeless. Why else would a great guy like him be his friend?

Another thing he realised was that he was glad he had never told Antonio about his feelings back when he'd had a crush on him. It might have put a strain on their friendship, not because Antonio was the type to get offended by something like that but because Lovino didn't think he could have dealt with his own embarrassment.

And right now, he was glad Antonio was there to smile at him and talk to him like nothing was wrong. He took his mind off Heracles and Gilbert so that he could enjoy a normal evening.

“I think we put a little too much basil in the sauce,” Antonio said as they were eating.

“That's your fault. I said I already put in some, but you just had to go and add more! You always do it!”

“I can't help it! I love basil.”

Feliciano let out a sound of agreement on the other side of the table. “Me, too! It makes everything taste better!”

“Everything in moderation,” Lovino grumbled and poked his food, ignoring how Antonio and Feliciano looked at each other in amusement.

“Look at you. I like listening to you bicker. It reminds me of the time when you were all kids and Antonio was staying for dinner,” his grandfather said.

“Haha, I came over a lot, didn't I?”

Everyone was at home for the evening, which was rare for the family these days. Feliciano spent an increasing amount of time with Michela and the relatives she was staying with, and Giorgio had countless friends who kept him busy. Lovino himself had stayed at Heracles' place so often that he hadn't even realised how scarce family dinners had become. He wondered if his grandfather ever felt lonely when the rest of them were out.

Well, he'd be there now to keep the old fart company. Being home was all he wanted at the moment, and it didn't feel like such a bad thing. He and his grandfather had never understood each other the way he and his grandmother had, but having him just to himself had been something Lovino had seen as a special treat as a child.

Antonio left some time later, and Lovino accompanied him to the door. He crossed his arms on his chest and watched with a grumpy expression as Antonio put on his shoes.

“Chin up. You'll feel better in no time,” the other said.

“I'm not depressed or anything. Don't talk to me like I'm a kid.”

“I can't help it. When you pout like that, you look like you're still ten.”

“Go to hell,” Lovino said and swatted away the hand that was trying to pat him on the head. He supposed this was why it wouldn't have worked out between him and Antonio. Despite what he said, he didn't mind some teasing from friends, but he didn't want to date someone who sometimes treated him like a child.

“Call me if you need some more cheering up! We could all go out some time.”

“Yeah, sure,” Lovino said and watched Antonio get out the door.

“It's nice that you asked Antonio to come over,” his grandfather said when he returned to the others.

“I didn't ask him. He pretty much invited himself over, like always.”

“Either way, it was nice.”

Lovino felt a little better when he went to bed that night. It had done him some good to forget about his problems for a while and enjoy a perfectly normal dinner. Maybe it was only a temporary feeling, but he no longer thought this would be the end of him and that he'd never be happy again. He'd just have to give things some time to get sorted out, and he had a lot of people who'd be there for him while he worked on it.

It was one more reason to be careful and not let Gilbert know how he felt, just like it had been the right thing to never tell Antonio or Belle. He couldn't lose a friend just because he was stupid enough to fall for the wrong people all the time.

He wondered if he and Heracles would ever be on friendly terms again. He hadn't kept in contact with any of his other exes, but that was because either they had turned out to be assholes or he hadn't had anything in common with them once the relationship ended. He wouldn't mind hanging out with Heracles every now and then, but since he was the asshole this time, he didn't think it was very likely.

***

Lovino's life soon fell back into the normal routine. He went to work, bickered with his family and friends and cooked them something nice when he felt he had stepped over the line. Most of his evenings were spent at home, and he realised how much he had missed watching TV with someone who paid attention to what was happening and was happy to comment on it, even if what his grandfather had to say usually irritated and embarrassed him.

There was something that struck him as out of place, but it took him nearly two weeks to figure out what it was. Even though he was now single and therefore had more free time, he actually hung out with Gilbert less than when he had been together with Heracles. It wasn't that they suddenly had no contact, but Gilbert called him less than before and was less persistent when Lovino initially said no to his ideas for hanging out. He said he had a busier schedule at work and that planning Ludwig's wedding with Kateryna's sister was harder than he had expected.

Lovino wasn't sure how he felt about that. Maybe it was a good thing to take some distance to him and sort out his feelings, but he missed him. This wasn't helping; it just made him cranky. He wanted to listen to Gilbert laugh at his own dumb jokes and trade insults with him.

It crossed his mind sometimes that Gilbert might be avoiding him. He probably thought he was devastated by the break-up and didn't know how to deal with it.

“Tch. So much for trying to cheer me up,” he muttered. Gilbert was an idiot. He didn't need to do anything special or offer him a shoulder to cry on or anything like that.

His shift at the gelato shop had just ended, so he had decided to take a stroll in the park. He had the entire afternoon and evening free. Feliciano had promised to cook dinner because Michela was coming over. Lovino had no idea why he bothered. If she had stuck with him all this time, there was obviously no need to impress her anymore.

He found an empty bench and sat down to enjoy the slight wind that was blowing through the area. It was a hot day for late September. Walking had left him a little flustered as he didn't enjoy even light exercise, so he decided to rest for the time being and look cool in case any pretty women passed by. He wasn't in the mood to flirt with anyone, but admiring looks would give his self-confidence the boost he needed.

The bench was old and comfortable in a way that made him think it was handcrafted. His mind soon began to wander, and he found himself keeping an eye on the other people at the park. The idiot tourists who were clearly lost pissed him off even long after they had left, but the little girl with her grandmother improved his mood once again. When she ran to the large cork oak to Lovino's right, he noticed that there was somebody sleeping under it.

From this angle, he could only see a mop of dark hair, which meant it could be nearly anyone in Rome. Despite that, Lovino felt a twinge. He and Heracles had sometimes gone to lie in shade like that in the park that was close to Heracles' apartment.

There were times when he didn't think of the other and was perfectly fine, but sometimes he still found himself planning what he'd cook the next time he went to see him or thinking that Heracles might like the documentary that was on TV that night. It wasn't devastating to remember he wouldn't be going to his place again, but it left him with the feeling that something was missing.

He wished he knew how Heracles was doing. Maybe he was already over the whole thing. He had told him he enjoyed one-night stands with some people he knew between relationships. Maybe he'd sought comfort in one of them. Or maybe he had already found someone new.

Whatever he was doing, Lovino hoped he was fine. He still felt guilty about having ruined their relationship, but he couldn't help but think that they might have drifted apart even without Gilbert. It would have just happened more slowly. They were very similar in some areas and totally different in others. He doubted they would have ever grown to loathe each other, but he could imagine them growing too indifferent about what was going on in the other's life, and maybe that would have been even worse.

He groaned in frustration and turned his head back to look at the sky. When he had been a kid and something bad had happened, he had liked to think that life had better have a damn nice surprise in store for him in exchange for all the shit he had to experience. Nowadays, he didn't bother. Optimism like that was for dunderheads like Feliciano and Antonio. He figured the only way for him to avoid dying of side effects of stress was to accept that sometimes his life sucked and there was no helping it.

Sometimes when he was especially upset, he liked to think he should just stop trying to find happiness if life was insistent on fucking with him, but this time he had no regrets. Heracles had made him so happy for a while, and he had needed it at the time. He had no idea what he needed right now, but he guessed he'd know if he ran into it.


	29. Chapter 29

At first, Lovino had been pissed off when Feliciano had told him that he had organized for them to go out dancing and drinking. If he felt like taking his mind off what had happened, he'd do it himself, thank you. He didn't need his little brother to be a sneaky bastard behind his back.

But then it turned out that Feliciano meant _everyone_ and that even Antonio had managed to schedule his shifts so that he had the night free. Lovino couldn't be mad at all of his friends at the same time, so he had no choice but to go. Besides, there was a part of him that secretly loved the attention and that everyone was so concerned about him.

“You could try to look like you're having fun,” Gilbert pointed out. They were the only people left at their table now that Antonio had gone to get another drink. Feliciano, Michela and Belle were somewhere on the dance floor and had promised they'd come and get them if they didn't have the sense to join them soon.

“Who said I'm not having fun?”

“That downwards line of your mouth. But I guess you always look like that. If I hadn't seen you smile for real before, I'd think that's the best you can do.”

“I'm alone at a club with you. Be glad I'm not crying.”

“Yeah, we should probably go out there as soon as Antonio comes back. What's the fun in just sitting here? Let's dance!”

It wasn't the first time Gilbert suggested that. Lovino had no idea if he really wanted it or if he was just uncomfortable being left alone with him. The urge to reach over the table, knock him on the forehead and ask him what the hell had got to him was getting stronger by the minute. He had sat there and listened when Gilbert had told him about his brother and the reasons he had left Germany. The least Gilbert could do was offer the same now that he was having problems.

It shouldn't have bothered him since he had absolutely no interest in talking about his love life with Gilbert, but it did. It didn't come as a surprise that Gilbert was selfish, but it sucked to know that he was so reluctant to be there and act normal when he needed it the most.

“And who knows, maybe you'll find someone tonight. I saw some real nice chicks over there earlier,” Gilbert continued.

“Haven't I already said that I'm not looking for anyone?”

“I didn't mean a long-term thing! Just pick up somebody and have some fun. That'll take your mind off things you don't want to think about!”

Lovino snorted into the hand he was leaning his chin on. 

“That's shit advice,” he muttered. 

On the other hand, that way of thinking was how he had ended up dancing with Gilbert at Antonio and Belle's wedding and kissing him. It was also why he had started making out with Heracles at the party Giorgio had dragged him to. Following that self-destructive reasoning had got him a good friend and a boyfriend, so maybe there was some truth to Gilbert's words. Who knew what'd happen if he tried it the third time?

Antonio soon came back without a drink because he had been unable to decide and had ended up getting nothing. He wanted to dance, too, so Lovino let them drag him away from the table.

He had been a clumsy child with bad control of his limbs, so he had used to hate dancing. It was only after he had grown into his body during puberty that he had stopped feeling like he wasn't in control of himself and had learned that dancing could be fun, too, and that he didn't need to take it so seriously.

Now, however, he couldn't help but feel the old nervousness raise its head. Gilbert was there, and he wasn't sure how to act around him. It was normal to dance with Antonio and think nothing of it – friends could do stuff like that together. But even though Gilbert had been living in Italy for a long time now, Lovino wasn't sure if he was okay with that or if he should hold back with him. One could never tell with Germans; it was like God had been holding the instructions book upside down while giving them emotions.

Thankfully, he never had to make a choice because Gilbert soon disappeared from his range of vision, leaving him alone with Antonio. Lovino relaxed and no longer felt like he had to plan every movement in advance.

His hips bumped into someone, but he didn't pay any attention to it until that someone circled around him and Antonio. It was a woman, maybe around his age or a little younger, with wavy black hair that she had pulled up into a loose bun. She smiled at him, and Lovino's world felt a little more tolerable.

It took a song and a half before Antonio got the hint and realised that Lovino and the woman were now dancing together. He gave them a wave with his fingers as he began to drift away, but Lovino barely registered the encouraging smile on his face. The woman was pretty and sort of his type, and even though they couldn't quite make their rhythms match, he didn't feel stupid.

They didn't talk until after three more songs had finished, and that was when Lovino asked her if she wanted a drink. She said yes, so he led her to the bar and paid for what she ordered. Their conversation was the usual chitchat people had when they met at a club – her name was Elisa, she worked as a receptionist and had come with a friend who had had to leave early, so she was trying to have a good time on her own now.

“But I guess I'm not alone anymore, huh?” she said and sipped her drink.

“It's not like you would have been by yourself for long. I'm just lucky I got here first.”

“I was watching you for a while. I like guys who dress nicely.”

Talking with Elisa and exchanging playful compliments with her improved Lovino's mood so much that he no longer regretted coming. She made him feel like he wasn't a complete loser, and when she laughed at something he said, he knew he could do more than just make other people miserable. He even began to entertain the thought that maybe he'd slip away with her later if she was okay with it.

She was in the middle of sharing her speculations about a soap they both liked when Lovino spotted Gilbert leaning on a table to their right. He was alone with a beer and grinned at them when he noticed that Lovino had seen him. It was that stupid fake smile of his again, and Lovino couldn't help but snort.

“What's wrong?” Elisa asked.

“Nothing. Just saw my friend over there, and he looks like someone just pissed into his beer.”

“Maybe he's jealous.”

“Yeah,” Lovino agreed. Gilbert was always going on and on about how women loved him, and yet it seemed he hadn't found anyone to spend the evening with. Lovino, on the other hand, hadn't even been looking and had scored anyway. So much for the German casanova.

“Let's make him even more jealous. Come here.”

Elisa brought her hands up behind his head and pulled him into a kiss. Lovino almost slipped off the barstool in surprise and had to fumble for support. That was how his hands ended up on Elisa's thighs, but the sound she let out told him she didn't mind, so he kept them there and kissed her back.

When they broke apart, Gilbert was gone. Lovino couldn't decide how he felt about that, so he focused on Elisa and the pleasant burn in his body that was overriding his other emotions.

“We should go somewhere else,” he suggested.

Elisa grabbed her drink and smiled at him. “Let's finish these first.”

They began to talk again, as much as Lovino wanted to take her somewhere out of sight and continue where they had left off. He didn't want to come off as desperate, so he didn't mention leaving again. She pressed her leg against his as he reached over him to grab some of the sweets that were being offered on the counter. When he asked her if she wanted another drink, she said she felt like dancing again.

She was teasing him, he realised. There was a mischievous sparkle in her eyes as she took his hand and led him back to the crowd of moving bodies. He hoped the drink and the dancing would excuse his red face. It was embarrassingly easy for women to pull him along and make him do whatever they wanted, and somehow he liked it.

Lovino wasn't sure how much longer they danced, sometimes so far apart that it looked like they weren't even together and sometimes so close he could feel her breath on his throat. She smelled nice; her perfume was mixed with sweat. Her hair was becoming loose and falling all over her shoulders.

“Let's go,” she mouthed against his ear, and he didn't need to be told twice. They left in search of a quieter spot, but it was a busy night and there were people everywhere. They finally settled for the stairs that led to a storage room, and while it wasn't exactly private, Lovino found that he didn't care.

She made him sit with his back against the wall and sat on his knees, kissing him and shifting so that her inner thighs brushed against where it felt the best. He ran his hands down her back to pull her closer and tried to keep his quickening breathing from turning into moaning because even if he was making out in public, he didn't want to turn it into a damn show.

The front of Elisa's shirt had tiny buttons right up to her collar bones, and he began to fumble with them. It was hard with their bodies pressed to tightly against each other, but finally he managed to unbutton enough of them to slip his hand under the fabric.

It was a long time since he had last been with a woman. It was nothing like with Heracles. Even though he usually ended up dating men, he had a slight preference for women. The curves of the hips and chest aroused him in a way different from men, and the feeling of his hand cupping Elisa's right breast was even better than what she was doing below his waist.

He had his lips on her neck when a loud jingle startled them both, and they broke apart.

“Shit,” Elisa swore and began to dig around the pockets of her jeans. She pulled out a phone, licked her lips and took the call. “Yeah, what?”

Lovino sat still and watched her as she pressed her mouth into an unhappy line and hummed in agreement to whoever was calling. After a few more moments, she sighed, put the phone back and began to get on her feet.

“Sorry, I've got to go,” she said and started to button up her shirt. “A friend's got an emergency.”

Lovino wanted to whine that there was an emergency in his pants, but he held his tongue and tried to act like a decent human being. Before she left, Elisa gave him her number and told him to call her some time if he wanted to give it another try.

“Dammit,” he muttered when she was gone. He looked down to see if he was in the condition to go back to the others or if he should visit the men's room first. The pleasant buzz was quickly fading, so he decided that waiting a little bit by himself should be enough. He'd take care of himself when he got home if he the frustration lingered on.

He was no longer in the mood for dancing or even hanging out with anyone, so he decided to find the others and tell them he was leaving. The loud music that had put him in a good mood only a moment ago was now irritating him, and he had to resist the urge of flipping off the DJ as he walked past him.

“Lovino! There you are!”

Hands appeared on his arms and forced him to turn around. It was Feliciano, looking at him with a delighted expression.

“It's so good I found you! I've been looking for you everywhere!” 

“What's going on?” Lovino asked.

“We have a problem. But you can take care of it!”

“What problem?”

“I'll show you.” 

Feliciano took his hand and began to drag him away. He led him outside where everyone else was waiting. Gilbert was sitting on the pavement and didn't look up when they arrived, but everyone else's faces lit up.

“Oh, you found him!” Antonio said. “But I hope you didn't have to drag him away from that pretty woman.”

“No, he was totally alone,” Feliciano said happily. 

Lovino nodded at Gilbert. “What the hell is his problem?”

“He's drunk. I found him like this at the bar,” Antonio said.

“And that's why we need you!” Feliciano said. “He can't make it home alone. Michela's friend just texted us and invited us to a party, so we can't take him, and he lives in a totally different direction from Antonio and Belle, so we want you to do it.”

“What? You drag me out because you want to cheer me up, and then you all bail on me and leave me to deal with this drunk ass? That's not fair!”

“We'll make it up to you, but right now it's the best solution,” Antonio said with a supportive smile.

“And why is he totally out of it anyway?” Lovino didn't think he had seen Gilbert like this after Antonio and Belle's wedding. He always drank more than the rest of them, but he could hold his liquor pretty well and knew when he had to stop if he didn't want to end up in a sorry state like this.

“Maybe someone really beautiful rejected him and he got sad,” Feliciano suggested. He slipped his hands under Gilbert's arms and began to urge him up to his feet. “Anyway, we have to get going, so he's all yours now.”

“Wait, I don't want him!” Lovino complained, but then he had his arms full of a very drunk German and could do nothing but watch his friends flee and wish him good luck. “Fucking back-stabbers! Go to hell!”

Gilbert had been silent all through the previous exchange, but now he let out an embarrassing giggle and began to pat Lovino on the back.

“Haha, where have you been all evening? I missed you!” His Italian was barely understandable.

“Chasing a decent one-night stand, like you suggested.” 

“Oh, yeah! She was real hot. You got lucky. But it makes me a little jealous, you know? I wanted a kiss, too! Hey! The awesome me deserves a kiss!”

“Better luck next time,” Lovino grumbled and adjusted Gilbert's weight on him so that they could walk. “Let's find a bus stop and get you home before you throw up all over me.”

Thankfully, the closest bus stop wasn't far away and there was even a bench free so that Lovino didn't have to help Gilbert stand all the time. They had to wait almost half an hour before the correct bus arrived, but it wasn't as bad as Lovino had feared. Gilbert didn't cause any trouble. He was a happy drunk who loved everybody and kept talking to them in something that was either drunken babbling or German, not that Lovino considered there to be much of a difference. He didn't argue when the bus arrived and Lovino shoved him inside, and some twenty minutes later they were finally at his apartment.

“Where are the keys?” Lovino asked.

“Mmh...”

The secret spot from the previous time was empty, so Lovino guessed Gilbert had moved the spare keys somewhere else. He had no interest in trying to find them in the middle of the night, so he turned his attention back to the other who was leaning on the door, half-asleep.

“You've got to have them in your pockets. Hand them over!”

Lovino went to tap Gilbert on the shoulder, but that only caused him to shift towards him so that he had to support him again. After letting out a string of profanities, Lovino began to poke around the pockets of Gilbert's jacket to find the keys. Nothing. Then they had to be – oh, fuck it.

“Listen, I'm just going to grab the keys. Don't freak out,” he said and moved his hand to back pockets of Gilbert's jeans. He wasn't doing anything wrong, but he couldn't help but feel like he was since he was sure Gilbert wouldn't normally let him dig around his pockets – and grope his ass, though he did his best not to think about it – like that.

Gilbert shifted and mumbled something, and Lovino drew back his hand as if Gilbert's butt was hot in not just a figurative but also a literal sense. Then he realised that if he ever wanted to get out of the uncomfortable situation, there was only one way to go. He slipped his hands into his pockets, dug out the keys and fumbled with the door until he got it open.

“Okay, there we go,” he said and pushed Gilbert inside. He more or less remembered where the couch was and led Gilbert there in the dark, glad when the other was finally off his hands. 

“Just what the hell got into you tonight?” he wondered after he had turned on the light.

There was no answer. Gilbert had fallen asleep and was snoring on the couch like he had no care in the world. His face was red and his hair messier than usual. He stank of beer and sweat. Lovino wanted to feel irritated that _this_ was what he had ended his relationship with Heracles for, but he couldn't. Even like this, he liked Gilbert.

“Fuck you. You've ruined my life,” he muttered and poked Gilbert repeatedly on the nose. “And I don't even know what I see in you.”

He decided he was going to leave Gilbert on the couch as a punishment for screwing up his night out. He hoped his back would ache like hell in the morning. However, he didn't want to be too unreasonable, so he grabbed a blanket from the bedroom and tossed it over him.

It was time to go, but he found himself reluctant to leave the apartment. He had no idea what had prompted Gilbert into overdoing it, and even though he wasn't going to find out until he was sober again, he didn't want to leave him alone. Something could be wrong. Or maybe he'd throw up and needed someone to stop him from choking on his own vomit. Besides, the already unreliable bus service was even shittier at night, so it would take him forever to get home if he left.

Satisfied with this excuse, he sat down on a chair where it was the easiest to keep an eye on Gilbert.

***

Lovino jerked awake, and at first he thought that Feliciano had climbed into his bed and kicked him out. Then he realised that the uncomfortable position was due to him having slipped half off the chair so that it was a wonder his spine hadn't snapped in two. 

It was only a little past midnight. Barely an hour had passed since he had brought Gilbert home.

He stopped rubbing his face when he realised that he could no longer hear the other snore. He stumbled to the light switch again and then went to check up on Gilbert. He was awake, judging by the way his face was crunched up and how he was trying to shield his eyes from the light.

“Huh, you're still alive. Good. They'd probably try to pin it on me if you had some fit and died in your sleep right now,” he said and went to fix the blanket that had nearly fallen to the floor. “For your sake, I hope you don't have work tomorrow because you won't be in any condition to drive.”

“I've got a day off,” Gilbert mumbled.

“Good. Now shut up and go back to sleep.”

“What about you? Where are you going?”

“Nowhere. I've set camp here. Or maybe I'll steal your bed.”

“No, no, you don't have to go. You can stay here with me.”

“Tch. My back already hurts from sitting in that chair. Did you dig it out of a dumpster or what?”

“No chair! The chair is stupid. Come on the couch! I'm softer than the chair!” Gilbert nuzzled his face into the blanket. “And you're cute and I love you!”

“Ugh, shut up before I make you! Someone must have slipped something into your glass at the club. You're damn lucky you didn't get into any trouble!”

“Mmmh...”

Lovino watched Gilbert hug the blanket contentedly and fall back asleep. He'd never again baby-sit him when he was drunk. He was annoying enough when he was sober, but now he was such an embarrassment that only the years of having dealt with his brother and grandfather could get him through it. 

And nobody deserved to listen to this crap. Had Gilbert been sober, these were the words he would have longed to hear from him, but now they were only good at trying to drill holes into his heart.

“You had better not remember any of this in the morning, dumbass,” Lovino muttered as he returned to the chair and tried to curl up into the least painful position he could find.


	30. Chapter 30

Waking up in the morning was not one of Lovino's stronger points, but the chair was so uncomfortable that he was up a little after five. He groaned as he straightened himself and stretched his back, certain that the pain would stay with him until his dying day.

Hell, he needed a massage. Too bad he didn't have a boyfriend anymore, so he couldn't easily badger anyone into giving him one. He was sure Heracles' hands would have found just the right spot, and – no, he didn't really want to think about that.

Gilbert was still asleep. He had kicked the blanket off himself again, so Lovino went to pick it up and covered him once more.

“I hope you have one hell of a headache when you wake up,” he muttered. He deserved it for making him listen to his stupid babbling and for ruining his back with his chair, even if both could have been easily avoided if Lovino had just left.

He spent a moment just sitting there and wondering what to do. Leaving was probably for the best since he was sure Gilbert would be miserable company when he woke up. They could talk once he was feeling better, assuming that there was anything to talk about. He doubted Gilbert had any recollection of the night, and Lovino certainly didn't want to remind him of the embarrassing shit that had spewed from his mouth.

Gilbert owed him breakfast for bringing him home, so Lovino opened the fridge to grab some milk and something to put on bread. He noticed that there were even more photos attached to the door than last time, most of them showing Ludwig and other members of Gilbert's family. There were several with a German shepherd surrounded by puppies, too.

These had to be recent, Lovino realised. Gilbert must have got them from Ludwig after his visit. It was great to know that Gilbert was patching things up with his family, but the pictures reminded Lovino of the fact that he had so much to live for in Germany. To say that some part of Lovino wasn't saddened by it would have been a lie.

After he was finished with his slice of bread, he grabbed two of the oranges that were sitting on the counter and squeezed a glass of juice out of them. He put it in the fridge and wrote Gilbert a note that he should drink it if he felt like shit after waking up.

There were no more excuses he could use to stay, so he went to pick up his shoes from by the chair. He let his eyes linger on Gilbert for one last moment and played with the fantasy that it was normal for them to wake up in the same apartment and that Gilbert would have lunch ready for him if he came back.

Yeah, right. He'd probably die of food poisoning. With a roll of his eyes, Lovino made it for the door. He had to get out before he let his mind rot with more sappy ideas.

When he made it home, he caught his grandfather and Giorgio about to leave for work.

“We were wondering where you were last night,” his grandfather said.

“Didn't Feliciano tell you how he and the other assholes left me to look after Gilbert?”

“Oh, so you were with him! Nice! I hope you had fun!”

“Tch, with him drunk off his ass?”

“Oh. Yeah, it's a little hard to get it up if you're –”

“I didn't sleep with him!”

“Of course not if he was so drunk!”

“I'd never do it anyway! He's not into guys, and I'm not into him! He's not my type in a million years and he probably has potato blight on his balls! Yuck!

His grandfather sighed in what sounded like grave disappointment. “That's too bad. I find that friends are the best comfort in hard times.”

“Not like that!”

“But maybe next time!”

“Didn't you just listen to a word I said?”

After his grandfather had left for work, Lovino spent the following half an hour fuming in the kitchen and drinking more espresso than was healthy. Damn, where had his grandfather got the stupid idea that he and Gilbert might be a good match? He could only hope he hadn't blabbered his insane delusions to anyone else because Lovino didn't want to explain they were wrong to everyone he knew. And he especially didn't want Gilbert to hear about them.

He sent Gilbert a message asking him how he was doing right before his shift started in the afternoon. A reply never arrived, not even after he sent a second one and said that if he didn't answer, he was going to come and have revenge on him.

“If you're worried, you should go and check up on him,” Feliciano suggested.

“I'm not worried!”

“But you've been complaining about him all day. You really should go.”

“The idiot has probably been camping in his toilet all day. It's none of my business. I've done enough for him.”

Nevertheless, he kept his phone on him for the rest of the day and grew increasingly annoyed and restless when Gilbert didn't contact him. There were plenty of good reasons why he hadn't, but the least he could have done was thank him for dragging his ass all the way home. 

It was only on the following day, a little before noon, that he heard from him. He was at work when his phone began ringing, and he took the call without even glancing at the caller ID, assuming that the idiot had finally entered the land of the living again.

“Finally! What the hell –”

“Hey, Lovino!”

Oh. It was Antonio.

“What do you want?” Lovino asked, unable to keep the frustration out of his voice.

“Did you already hear about Gilbert?”

“What about him?”

“He was in a car accident this morning!”

“What the hell? Is he okay?”

“Yeah, it's nothing serious. I just wanted to ask if he already told you.” Antonio laughed, and Lovino wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him. He had lost at least a decade of his life with the scare the idiot had given him!

“No, he fucking didn't! Where is he? I'm going there right now and –” He never finished because he had no idea what to say. Do what? Kick him when he was already down?

He sat down on the floor and ignored Feliciano's confused questions about his behaviour. “Is he... Is he in hospital somewhere?”

“No, nothing like that! I told you he's fine. He's just got some bruises and a headache, so they let him go home. He called me earlier.”

“What happened?”

“He was distracted and didn't stop at a red light, so he rammed into the car in front of him. Nobody got hurt, and even the cars are mostly fine.”

Lovino let out a sigh of relief. “Good. Then I won't have to feel too guilty about kicking his ass after all.”

“What do you mean?”

“I'm going there right now to give him a piece of my mind! How dare he do something this stupid and make everybody worried?”

“I'm sure it wasn't on purpose!”

“I don't care!”

Lovino ended the call and climbed to his feet. Feliciano hurried to help him up.

“What's going on? Where are you going?”

“Gilbert was in a car accident. I'm going to take a look at him.”

“What? That's horrible! Is he dying? You should hurry or you'll be too late!”

“Relax, he's fine, but he won't be after I'm done with him! Watch the shop while I'm gone.”

Lovino hopped on his Vespa and rode to Gilbert's apartment so fast and with such a disregard for traffic rules that it was a miracle he didn't get into an accident, too. Running up the stairs to the correct floor left him panting for breath, but he still had plenty of energy to start banging on the door.

“Open the door and let me in, asshole!”

It took a couple of moments before anything happened, but then he heard slow approaching steps and the sound of the lock being turned. Gilbert opened the door, and the first emotion that rushed through Lovino was relief – he really was fine, no broken nose or half his face covered in bloody bandages like his imagination had been whispering to him.

“Hey, Lovino, hi! What are you doing here?”

“Antonio told me about the accident.”

“Oh, well this isn't a very good time, but if you want, you can drop by later, so –”

“Shut up and let me in.”

Lovino pushed past Gilbert and entered the apartment. He heard the other close the door and shuffle to the room with his hands in his pockets. He was wearing an old T-shirt and pyjama pants, so he had probably been resting when Lovino had showed up.

“Look, I'm fine,” Gilbert said, for some reason not looking straight at him. “The seatbelt gave me a bruise and I was feeling a little shaky earlier, but I've been through worse by falling down the stairs and stuff. There's no reason to worry.”

“I'm not worried about that,” Lovino said with a huff. Now that he could see Gilbert stand there with his own eyes, he felt a little stupid for panicking.

“Then what?”

“You've been acting all weird and stupid lately. You drank too much the other night, and Antonio said the accident happened because you were distracted. So, what the hell is going on and why haven't you told anyone about it? Is it Ludwig? Is something wrong with him?”

“Huh, what are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with me! I know it can be hard to believe, but even I make mistakes! The sun got into my eyes! There was a super model on the pavement!”

“After all your bragging about how you're the best driver in Rome, you really expect me to believe that you just forgot to stop at a red light? Not that even half of what you say is ever true, but even you can't be that dumb. So, is it Ludwig?”

Gilbert sighed and shifted his weight from his heels to his toes like a little kid. After a while, he walked to the couch and threw himself on his back on it, his hands still in his pockets and resignation written all over his face.

“No, it's not Ludi. He's fine.”

Lovino leaned over the backrest to glare at him.

“Spit it out. You told me about your failures back home and how you were on the run. Whatever this is, it can't be worse.”

Gilbert let out a laugh, grabbed one of the couch pillows and covered his face with it. Seeing him so nervous brought Lovino's worries back, and he grabbed the pillow to be able to look at him.

“You aren't dying or anything, are you? Do you have cancer?”

“What? No!”

“Then what?”

Gilbert snatched the pillow back and hid his face again. He didn't say anything for a while, but just as Lovino was starting to think he was trying to suffocate himself, he spoke again. “You remember the other night when we went out, right?”

“Of course I do. I didn't overdo it like you.”

“I remember stuff, too! I've got a fighter's mind, so I'm never really out cold!”

Lovino could feel his heart sink somewhere in his stomach. Gilbert couldn't mean that he remembered some of the embarrassing crap he had said, could he?

“Is that why you're acting so odd? Just forget it. I know you had no idea what you were saying, so let's just act like it never happened.” It sucked that he had to say that, but he would rather do it himself than hear Gilbert insist over and over again that it had all been total nonsense.

“Huh, really?”

Lovino snorted. “Yeah. I know perfectly well what a lame idea it is that you'd ever be interested in me. Hell, I'm relieved that you aren't.”

“Not interested?” Gilbert said, his voice muffled by the pillow. “It's way bigger than that.”

“And what the heck is that supposed to mean? You think I'm that repulsive? Well, fuck you, too!”

“No, I meant the opposite! I like you! A lot! Like _that!_ ”

“What?” Lovino grabbed a hold of the pillow and tried to pull it away from Gilbert's face, but the other refused to let go. “Say that again, dammit!”

“No! Once was bad enough!”

Lovino let go of the pillow since it was clear he wasn't strong enough to take it from Gilbert. He didn't want to just stand there and let him go without a punishment, though, so he began to poke him in the stomach in rhythm with his words.

“What the hell is going on with you? You've been saying since day one that you're straight, and now you suddenly aren't?”

“I might have lied a little...”

“What?” Lovino wasn't sure if he even wanted to hear more. His brain was already in dire danger of being fried.

“When I said I'm straight, I actually meant that I'm doing my best at it. That's the same thing, right? Being into guys doesn't count if I don't act on it!”

“Why wouldn't you act on it?”

“Because I don't want to! Chicks are nice, too, so I'm just waiting for the perfect one to come along and ignoring all the guys who are hot.”

Lovino still couldn't understand why. Or rather, he could name plenty of reasons why someone might not want to come out of the closet. The problem was that he couldn't understand why _Gilbert_ of all people would feel this way.

“I thought you're the kind of guy who does whatever he wants and doesn't care what anyone else thinks,” he said. Maybe it was his family. His father had sounded strict in all of his stories, so maybe he was a conservative asshole on top of it.

“I am! I'm doing exactly what I want! I mean, I want cute kids who'll call me daddy when I give them piggyback rides, and I need a woman for that, so there! It's all going exactly according to my plan!”

“Bullshit,” Lovino said, and it was only then that the full meaning of Gilbert's words began to sink in. “But what was that about liking me? You mean it? Because if you lied about something like that, I'll stuff you full of garlic, and not through your mouth!”

Gilbert shook his head. “It's real. But don't worry. I'll get over it. I always do. Nothing has to change. I've just been having a harder time than usual after you broke up with Heracles. I'm a great guy, so it was super easy to ignore this stuff while you were taken because I don't go after people who're in a relationship. So hurry up and hook up with someone!”

“I'm not going to do that just so that you can have an easier time! Besides, you aren't half bad. I... I guess I wouldn't mind giving it a try if you, uh... ever got over your ridiculous issues.”

“Really?”

“Did I fucking stutter?” 

“Yeah, kind of.”

Lovino didn't even want to imagine how red his face had to be. His heart was pounding so fast that he could barely hear what Gilbert was saying. He had to be dreaming. This couldn't really be happening. 

He had fantasized of this situation a sad number of times while trying to fall asleep. That somehow, Gilbert would develop feelings for him and they'd confess and get together. But it had been different – he had imagined Gilbert laughing in relief at his feelings being returned, pressing him against the couch and kissing him. Gilbert wasn't doing any of that here. He still had the damn pillow on his face, and his hands weren't anywhere near Lovino's hips.

“Okay, this is pretty funny,” Gilbert said. “I never thought you'd also... I know I'm hot and the best, but I thought you had a totally different taste.”

“Yeah, well maybe I was just saying that because you couldn't shut up about how super straight you were! I didn't want you to think I'd be into you. I thought you'd be an asshole about it.”

Lovino used the moment to reach for the pillow again, and this time he managed to take Gilbert by surprise and snatch it from his hands. The other's face was pale and hopeless, and Lovino realised then and there that this conversation wouldn't end like in his dreams. He had no idea where Gilbert's issues stemmed from, but he could tell he wasn't ready for what he wanted. And maybe he wasn't, either. He still found himself missing Heracles when something reminded him of him, so it wouldn't be fair to start anything with someone else.

Gilbert lifted himself up into a sitting position and plastered a shaky grin on his face. “Give me a moment, and I'll come up with a great strategy for us! I'll figure out what to do!”

“Forget it, dumbass. We don't have to do anything. Just like you said, nothing has to change.”

“But –”

“I mean, hell, Heracles was a fantastic boyfriend. There's no way I'm going to bother with you if you can't measure up to at least half of that, and right now you can't. Look at what a mess you are.” Lovino hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. It was stupid. All this time, he had accepted the fact that there would be nothing between him and Gilbert, so why the hell did this conversation now make him feel like someone was squeezing his throat? 

“Hey! I could be an amazing boyfriend! It's just not one of my life goals at the moment.”

“Then why did you even tell me?”

“You asked and I hate lying to you! And I figured you'd come up with some other stupid ideas like me dying if I didn't explain it. Pfft, what the heck gave you that idea in the first place? But anyway, you should change your tone and be more grateful! It's not every day I tell a guy I like him!”

It hardly counted in Lovino's eyes when Gilbert had no plans of acting on his words. In fact, it just made it worse because now he knew it wasn't impossible because Gilbert wasn't into guys. It was impossible because there was something else holding him back, and it made him frustrated and sad for them both.

Gilbert should have kept this to himself. It was unfair of him to tell him this, like he was tangling the chance of something more before his eyes when Lovino had already long since accepted that he couldn't have it.

“Tch. You're so full of it. You should –”

They both jumped when Gilbert's phone began to ring. He almost fell off the couch as he reached to grab it on the table and brought it to his ear. 

“It's Ludi,” he said before he took the call.

Lovino didn't understand a word of the conversation that followed, but Gilbert's tone of voice and facial expressions made him wonder if the end of the world hadn't just started in Germany. He went from happy to puzzled to angry within ten seconds and jumped to his feet so that he could pace all around the room and yell into the phone. After a couple of minutes of ranting, he began to calm down again and even managed a chuckle before he finished the call with exaggerated kissing noises.

“What the hell was that?” Lovino asked.

Gilbert let out an exaggerated sigh. “Man, you're all crazy. Feli called Ludi and told him about the accident, except he got some details wrong, and everyone back home thought I was in a coma or something.”

“What the hell? I told him you were fine!”

“He probably didn't believe you. You burst here like hell was on loose, so of course he saw right through you!”

“More like he came up with it himself! He's a total scatter-brain.”

“Whatever, I'll send Ludi some photos of myself later. But he probably won't believe I'm okay until I get home.”

“What, you're going back?”

Gilbert flashed him an eager smile. “Yeah, for Christmas! My boss promised me a few extra days off, so I'm going to visit everyone. I just hope she won't cancel it now that I wrecked the car...”

“When did you decide this? You never told me anything!”

“I just got everything sorted out the other day! It's still October! What's the big deal?”

Lovino collapsed on the couch and crossed his arms on his chest, nearly biting his tongue with the effort not to snap at Gilbert that he was an idiot. He was sad, angry and frustrated, and the only way he could deal with that was to lash out, but that would only make it worse. Gilbert was upset, too, and the last thing Lovino wanted was for him to decide that he was better off in Germany because his friend was so immature and selfish.

“So, we're just going to pretend we never had this conversation? Works for me. It's not like I even wanted anything serious with you. It's just a phase, like how you sometimes want to stuff your face with tiramisu until you're ready to burst, but you know you'd regret it later,” he grumbled. 

He didn't even try to keep the edge off his voice, and a part of him hoped that Gilbert would be hurt by it. Because he fucking deserved it – how could he lie to him this whole time, drop a bomb like this and then expect him to just act like nothing had happened? Didn't he realise how much this hurt him?

“Yeah!” Gilbert agreed. “Let's do that! Our friendship is the best ever, so we shouldn't try to change it into anything else!”

“Just tell me one thing.”

“Yeah?” 

“Why do you have such a problem with being with guys? Don't give me that shit about how you want a cute family because that can't be all of it. Otherwise you wouldn't have lied to everyone all this time.”

Gilbert shrugged. “I don't know. I don't mind when other people do it, but when I imagine myself like that, I just get this gut reaction that no way, I can't. I want to be straight, and since I like chicks just fine, I figure that's what I'll be.”

“That's bullshit, but whatever,” Lovino said. He'd felt like that at first, too, that everything would be fine if he just ignored the part of himself that was making him scared. He had a lot of bad things to say about his family's obnoxiousness, but they had always given him unconditional support and never implied he should be anything else. He didn't want to think about what his life would be like if he didn't have them.

Ludwig hadn't acted like had a problem with him and Heracles, but maybe he'd react differently if it was his own brother. And maybe Gilbert didn't want to risk that now that he was finally back in touch with his family.

“Right, so...” Gilbert started.

“What?”

“So, how mad at me are you?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I'm mad as hell! You were lucky you only damaged the car and not yourself! Don't ever do that again!”

At first there was a confused frown on Gilbert's face, but then it was replaced by relief. It made Lovino simultaneously want to bury his head under the couch and cry and congratulate himself for doing the right thing. He'd just play along and do this the way Gilbert wanted if that meant he didn't have to lose him.

“Ha, don't worry! That was barely even my fault! I'm sure the traffic lights were somehow broken. It'll never happen again!”

“It had better not, or you won't like the punishment I have planned for you!”

Gilbert laughed, and even though he didn't sound quite himself, Lovino had the feeling things would get back to normal, that they hadn't broken anything so badly they couldn't put it back together.

“I guess I should be getting back to work or Feli will have ruined us by handing everyone free gelato,” he said.

“Yeah, okay. See you around!”

And just like that, he was out of Gilbert's apartment, feeling like the entire conversation had been just a dream and that the bright sun was mocking him.

Fuck his life. 

He sent Feliciano a message that he wasn't feeling well and went straight home where he hid away in his room, glad that neither his grandfather nor Giorgio was there to see him. He wasn't sure at which point the tears had started falling, but he knew he looked at least half as horrible as he felt.


	31. Chapter 31

Lovino stayed in bed for the remainder of the day, musing over how much his life sucked. He only bothered to get up twice, first to go to the bathroom and then to yell at Giorgio to bring him something to eat.

“I don't really have the time to make a fuss over you. I don't want to be late for my date,” his cousin said as he handed him a plate with some leftover pasta from the previous evening.

Lovino glared at him from under the covers. “Rub it in, won't you?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. Leave me alone.”

Lovino began to stuff his face to distract himself from how fucked up everything was, but he had to give up after a few mouthfuls. The pasta wasn't good enough to take his mind off what had happened with Gilbert, but it was still too good to be wasted on pointless gorging.

Ugh, Gilbert. If it hadn't been for the fact that he was feeling so awful that he had to be awake, he would have thought the whole thing was just some sick dream. He had spent such a long time cursing fate for making the guy he was into straight that it was still hard to believe that he _wasn't._ Or that he liked him back, which was maybe even more unbelievable.

Then again, maybe he should have seen this mess coming. For a while, he had been so happy with Heracles that he had been sure his life had taken a turn for the better and stopped being a tragicomedy, but that had clearly been wishful thinking. The period of contentment had just been the calm before the storm – now it was time for the ultimate climax of fail.

“Fucking asshole. How dare he tell me he likes me and then not do anything about it?” he muttered, clutching his pillow and glaring a hole into the wall. It wasn't fair. If Gilbert was going to pretend he was straight, he should have never told him the truth. Did he really think they could just continue being friends and act like nothing had happened?

Maybe Gilbert could. He had turned living in denial into an art form. Lovino was sure that next time they met, he'd be all smiles, patting him on the back and pretending that nothing had changed.

Lovino turned over so that he was lying on his back. He wanted to run back to Gilbert's place and kick him until he spat out the truth about why he was acting this way. There had to be some tragic backstory that explained why he didn't want to give him a chance. If he just got him to admit that, they could start working on fixing things. But even now in the depths of frustration, he knew trying that would only make things worse.

Who could he talk to? Not Antonio since he was so close to Gilbert. Certainly not Feliciano or everybody would know. Not Belle because he had already talked to her once and didn't want to bug her, especially since she might feel guilty about keeping secrets from Antonio.

Definitely not his grandfather.

But he had to talk to someone. He knew himself well enough. If he didn't get his feelings out in a healthy way, he'd be cranky and yell at the others over the smallest things. His life was already shitty enough; he didn't need his family to get mad at him, too.

The sound of someone's footsteps on the stairs made him grab the covers and throw them over himself. He buried his face into his pillow and pretended to be asleep as the door to his room was pushed open.

“Hey, Lovino? Giorgio said you're home. Are you okay?”

Great. It was his grandfather. Now he definitely had to keep his act up.

He felt the mattress shift when his grandfather sat down by his side. A hand came down to test his forehead, and it was a struggle to keep his face neutral and not swat it away in irritation.

“Hmm, you aren't burning up. Do you have a headache?”

Why was the idiot asking him? Couldn't he see he was asleep like a baby? And aww, fuck, now he was stroking his hair like he was a goddamn dog.

“Hehehe, it's too bad you told me not to call you cute in public anymore. No matter how old you get, you and Feliciano will always be my little babies. Ah, I'll always remember all the times your parents brought you over and I got to change your diapers and clean up after you puked all over the living room! And the times when –”

“Knock it off, dammit!”

“Oh, you're awake!”

“How the hell could I sleep when you're bugging me like that?”

His grandfather withdrew his hand, but the goofy smile remained on his face. Lovino almost regretted snapping at him as he found himself missing the physical contact. He wanted to be pampered. He wanted someone to make him feel like he was good for something because Gilbert didn't want him enough, and it sucked.

“Are you sick? Should I go and help Feliciano at the store?” his grandfather asked.

“Hmph. Do whatever you want,” Lovino muttered.

“Man, you sound like you're super down for some reason. I have no idea what to do about you. Cheering up Feliciano is always so easy, but you're just so much more difficult.”

“I didn't ask you to cheer me up!”

“So, what happened anyway?”

“None of your business!”

“I bet you're having trouble with love! That's the only thing that gives a man that devastated look in his eyes. I could give you some tips! Your grandmother rejected me eight times before we got together.”

Lovino rolled over so that his back was on his grandfather. “I don't care.”

“Then it must be pretty bad.” 

Slap! His grandfather's hand landed on his shoulder with force that made him cry out.

“Ow, what the hell?”

“Fight! I've got your back! You can't give up until you've been told to go to hell at least five times or you're going to put all past generations of Vargas men to shame!”

“No way! I'm not a dumb masochist! One no is enough!” Being rejected was embarrassing and painful as it was, but more than once by the same person? No thanks. And if he kept bugging Gilbert about this, he'd destroy their friendship for sure.

“You have time to change your mind after you've got over the shock of being rejected. Let's have something really good for dinner to get you back in high spirits.”

Lovino grumbled an agreement, even if he knew that even his grandmother's cooking wouldn't have improved his mood right now.

***

Lovino didn't feel much better through the course of the following few days. He managed to live his life without too much of a hassle – he went to work, cooked for the family, argued with Feliciano and drank wine with his grandfather. He was able to act normal enough, even though everyone in his family noted that he was grumpier than usual and snapped at them over things that would only get a roll of the eyes under normal circumstances.

He hadn't talked to Gilbert since their awkward confession. They'd sent a couple of texts to each other, but Lovino got the feeling Gilbert wanted to keep his distance for now.

“Stupid asshole,” he muttered to himself, getting curious looks from the other people around the vegetable stand at the supermarket. So much for keeping their friendship normal. Well, fine. He didn't want to see him either.

“Careful, or you're going to turn those into mush before you've even paid for them.”

“Huh?”

He looked up, and the tomato in his hand fell to the floor.

Out of all the people in his life, he hadn't been expecting to run into Heracles.

“What... what the fuck are you doing here?”

Heracles lifted his basket. “I've run out of onions. Now that I don't have you to do the shopping for me, I have to bother with it myself.”

“But this isn't your store! You always go to the one where Sadik works!”

“His whole family caught a cold at the same time. They had to close the shop for a while. Serves him right.”

“Gnngh,” Lovino managed to say. How was he supposed to act around Heracles? He'd had no contact with him since they had broken up, and he had prepared nothing for a surprise encounter.

“Are you here on your Vespa?” Heracles asked.

“Yeah.”

“Can you give me a lift home? I'd rather not walk.”

“I guess so.” Damn, he should have said he had come on foot. Or refused. But if Heracles could act this casual around him, he had to be able to do the same. “So, uh... How have you been?”

“Mostly fine. We could go for coffee if you want.”

Lovino couldn't think of a way to say no that wouldn't have been rude – and he didn't want to be rude to Heracles, not after what he had done. As soon as they had both bought what they needed, they walked to the small café across the street. They had gone there on a date a few times, but thankfully their usual table was taken.

“How's your book?” Lovino asked.

“My editor and I finally agree on the changes, so it's almost ready to be sent to the publisher. It should come out some time after Christmas.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“I don't think it's the sort of book most people would consider a suitable Christmas gift, except as a joke, so probably not.”

Lovino took a sip of his coffee and tried to fight against the urge of drumming his fingers on the table. It had been so easy to talk to Heracles when they had been together, but now he was struggling to come up with something normal to say.

“So, you're fine. That's good.”

“Mmh. I've been reading a lot. And I'm getting the itch to travel somewhere again to see something new. I could do that now that the book is finished.”

“Are you still mad at me?”

Heracles hummed into his cup. “I think you could have handled it better and talked to me earlier, but I don't hate you. Nobody's perfect. I don't think I would have been with you for that long if I expected you to be.”

“Thanks,” Lovino muttered with a grimace. But he was relieved; the thought that he had hurt Heracles so much that he'd never forgive him had been bothering him ever since they had broken up. At least one of them seemed to be moving on just fine.

“Kiku says that you just have to learn to accept bad things that are out of your control. I think he believes in fate,” Heracles said.

“Have you been talking to him a lot?”

“We've become somewhat close again.”

Well, if Heracles could stay civil with the guy who had dumped him without a warning and cut off all contact for a while, Lovino was sure he'd be able to get along with him, too.

“What about you? Are you still friends with Gilbert?”

“Ugh, don't talk to me about that asshole.”

“What did he do?”

At first Lovino wasn't going to say anything. This wasn't Heracles' problem, and it wouldn't be fair to drag him into it, not after he had dumped him because of Gilbert. But he had to talk to someone or he'd go crazy, and maybe Heracles would understand since he had gone through something similar with Kiku. He let out everything, punctuated by all the profanities he knew, and described how Gilbert was a total piece of shit.

“He's into men after all. Somehow I had that feeling the whole time,” Heracles said.

Lovino leaned his chin on his hand and snorted. “Tch. Not that it'll do much good.”

“Would it make you feel better if we had sex?”

“What? No!”

“Just a suggestion. It wouldn't have to mean anything. You look like you should let out some steam.”

“Yeah, but I'm not that casual about us yet! And I don't do random one-night stands with people I know! Especially if I used to date them, dammit!”

Heracles shrugged. “If you say so. Our sex was really good, though. I'm going to miss it.”

“Don't talk about that in public!”

“Are you sure Gilbert isn't going to change his mind?”

“I don't know,” Lovino grumbled. “He's pretty stubborn. And stupid. I don't want to bug him or he'll tell me to go to hell.”

“Maybe he just needs some time. I don't think he would have told you about his feelings if there was no chance.”

Lovino wanted to believe it. He needed that little bit of hope so much, but he was afraid of letting himself have it. He didn't want to be disappointed again. The best option was swallowing the hurt he was feeling now and accepting the cards that had been dealt or he'd just make it worse for everybody.

“I guess. But I'm not going to bet on that. I don't even know what the heck his problem is,” he said.

“Family?” Heracles suggested.

“Maybe. Ludwig didn't seem like he'd cause trouble, but who knows? Anyway, I'm not going to ask. I'm done. One of these days I'll move to a monastery and become a monk.”

“I tried to be celibate once to clear my head and get inspiration. I don't recommend it.”

“I'm just so fucking tired. No matter what I do, it doesn't go right.”

“Your expectations are too high. We were happy for while, weren't we? Your life doesn't have to be endless happiness to mean something.”

“I know that! But I'm feeling like shit, so let me be angry for a while, okay?”

“I still think sex would make you feel better,” Heracles said.

“No, it would make me feel worse. And what about Kiku? You can't just screw your ex behind his back!”

“We haven't committed to anything. We're just talking for now.”

“Hmm.” Lovino wondered if anything would happen between Heracles and Kiku again. They lived so far away from each other and their lives were so different. Their odds were probably even worse than his and Gilbert's. 

“I should be getting home,” he said. “You still want that lift?”

Heracles said yes, so they got on Lovino's Vespa and rode to the other's apartment. Having his body pressed against his and his arms on his waist was a familiar feeling that had once made him feel like everything in his life was right. Now, he had trouble relaxing, no matter how many times he told himself there was nothing to worry about.

“Thanks for the ride,” Heracles said after they had stopped and he was getting off the Vespa.

“Whatever. I was coming this way anyway. No big deal.”

“Let's have coffee again some time, unless you'd prefer that we don't see each other anymore.”

“No! I mean, sure, let's do it. Just... why would you want to? I treated you like shit, and even if you aren't angry anymore, what gives?”

“I guess I miss trading recipes with someone. But if it makes you uncomfortable, forget it.”

“It's not that,” Lovino said. “I guess I just hate to be reminded of my screw-ups. It's easier to pretend nothing happened.”

“You could try to put it behind you. If you run away every time you make a mistake, you'll be standing all alone in the end.”

Lovino tried his hardest not to roll his eyes. Sure. He knew that. He was just too good at always taking the easy way out.

“Yeah, okay. Call me if you want to talk about food or something. It's not like I have anything better to do these days and –” 

He never finished because the next thing he knew, something had smashed into the asphalt at his feet. It was brown and soggy, and at first he thought there was a monster bird flying past and shitting on them, but then he recognised it as the remains of a boiled eggplant.

“The fuck is going on here?” he asked.

Heracles pointed at the house where he lived. “It was Sadik. He must have seen us from the window.”

“Why would he throw it at me?”

“Because he's juvenile and unable to work on his personality faults like a normal human being.”

“I've done nothing to him!” Hell, was Sadik mad at him because he had dumped Heracles?

“Don't worry. I'll deal with him. You should probably go before he empties his kitchen on us.”

Lovino did just that and barely avoided a tomato that probably would have hurt like hell if it had hit him.

***

It took Lovino a couple of days to realise it, but running into Heracles had been one of the best things to happen in his life as of late. Telling Feliciano or his friends about Gilbert might have made him feel a little better, but no matter how important they were to him, he wasn't sure they would have _really_ understood him. Heracles got what he was going through without him having to explain it in detail.

There was still no word from Gilbert. Back when things had been normal, they just hadn't had the time to hang out all the time, so it wasn't necessarily a bad sign. But this wasn't how Lovino had been expecting Gilbert to act. He was no longer just angry that he was avoiding him. Now it was making him miserable, too, because it was starting to look like this might be the end of their friendship after all.

He should do something. He didn't know what he'd do if he lost everything without even trying to patch things up.

Gathering up his courage, he hid in the backroom of the shop and pulled out his phone. He wasn't sure if Gilbert would even answer once he saw who was calling, but he had to give it a try.

He had to wait a while, but just as he was beginning to think that it was futile, Gilbert answered.

“Yeah?”

“Hey, asshole! Where have you been this whole time?”

“What do you mean? I'm super busy! I've been working extra time to make up for the damage on the car.”

If that was a lie or an excuse, at least it was a good one, so Lovino decided to believe it.

“You could have still let me know you aren't dead! Anyway, when do you get off work tonight?”

“Around eight, I guess.”

“Right, then you had better drag yourself over to our place because you're having dinner with us tonight.”

“Oh, uh, who's going to be there?”

“My family and you. Maybe Michela if Feli brings her over. Why? Did you think it'd be just you and me?”

“No, of course not! Haha, I'm just a little surprised since you don't usually ask me anywhere!”

“Well, this time I am! So be there! If I cook too much and it goes to waste because you stood us up, I'm coming over and forcing it all down your throat!”

“Relax! I'll be there. You don't have to sound like your life depends on this. But since I'm so cool, I guess I can't blame you.”

Normally, this would have been Lovino's cue to yell at Gilbert to shut up. Now he had no idea what to say.

“Hey, are you still there?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah! But I've got to go now. Make sure you don't forget to come!”

After dumping his phone into his pocket, he saw Feliciano looking at him with a curious look on his face.

“What?” Lovino snapped.

“Who was that?”

“That's none of your business.”

“But you invited that person to dinner! Of course it's my business.”

Right, true. 

“Fine! It's Gilbert.”

“Oh. Then I have no idea why you're making such a fuss.”

“I'm just mad at him because he has been working so much. Selfish idiot. He's going to have a burn-out or something if he doesn't get some real food inside him. I bet he can't even cook.”

“Then you should invite him over more often!”

When they got home, Lovino declared the kitchen his kingdom and wouldn't let anyone bother him. He needed to be able to put his mind at ease while his hands worked before Gilbert arrived if he wanted to be able to act normal before him. He hoped the others would just think he was having a bad day and not question why he was on the verge of throwing a pepper at anyone who showed his face at the door.

Once he was done and gathering the dirty dishes in the sink, there was a knock at the entrance.

“Didn't I tell you to get lost?”

“No, I just got here. You had better not be thinking about throwing me out after you almost forced me over.”

Fuck, it was Gilbert. Lovino turned around once he was sure he had perfected his grumpy frown so that he'd look normal. He pointed his wooden spoon accusingly at Gilbert and tried to ignore how he had actually fucking missed that stupid look on his face.

“So, you made it. Great. I would have kicked your ass if you had made me wait for nothing. Not that it's important or anything, but... uh...” He whirled around again and began to stir the sauce so that it spilled everywhere. “Fuck, I almost burned this because of you!”

Gilbert laughed, and Lovino realised that before he would have come to take a look over his shoulder and comment on his cooking. The distance between the stove and the entrance was only a a few metres, but it felt like he and Gilbert were standing on different ends of the world.

But at least he had come instead of making a weak excuse and letting their friendship wither. That had to mean something.

Gilbert cleared his throat. “You know, about before...”

“It's fine. We don't have to talk about that.”

“Right. Yeah. That's exactly what I think. I just wanted to make sure that, you know, things are clear now.”

“Do you think I'm a fucking idiot? It couldn't be any clearer!”

He loathed Gilbert's relieved chuckle, but he swallowed the rotten taste and said nothing. He had to do this if he didn't want to lose him. Gilbert was an idiot – why would he blabber about his interest in him when he knew it would only force a wedge between them? It was clearly up to Lovino to stop them from drifting apart since Gilbert wasn't up to the task.

“What did your boss say about your holiday plans?” he asked to steer the conversation to safer waters.

“Oh, she's still fine with them! That's why I've been working so much. Got to keep her happy.”

“So, you'll be off to Germany for Christmas?”

“Almost. I didn't actually get the real holidays off since we need staff for Christmas. I'm going in early December, and then I'll be back around the 20th or so.”

“That must suck. I bet you'd like to be there for the real thing.”

“It doesn't matter. Any time is fine since I haven't been home for so long!”

Lovino couldn't believe that one utterance was able to awake so many emotions in him. It was nice to see Gilbert so happy, but he was also jealous that he was so eager to get away and spend time with other people – even if it was his family, which made his reaction all the more pathetic. Part of him was relieved he was coming back for the holidays so that they could hang out. At the same time, he wished Gilbert could have spent Christmas with his family because no matter what the bastard said, he was a stupid softie and it had to mean a lot to him.

“I hope you won't screw it up,” he muttered.

“Nothing's going to go wrong. See, they've had time to digest my re-appearance, so their anger has faded and been replaced with intense longing and the need to see me! I'll be treated like the prodigal son!”

“Yeah, right. Good luck with that.”

“It's going to be great! I'll tell you all about it on Facebook.”

“I never check it anyway. You think I'm going to start because of you?”

Lovino didn't mind when Feliciano showed up a moment later and butted in to ask about Ludwig. He brought even more normalcy into the situation, and soon enough Lovino could almost forget that anything had ever gone wrong between him and Gilbert.


	32. Chapter 32

Time flew past so quickly that it left Lovino wondering what had happened to November. Business wasn't quite as good as usual when the weather got a little cooler, but they added crêpes and seasonal gelato flavours to their selection to make up for it. Feliciano caught a nasty cold that lasted almost two weeks, so the rest of them shared his shifts as best as they could, which left Lovino with less free time than he would have liked.

Before he even knew what was happening, it was almost time for Gilbert to leave for Germany. The two of them had managed to fix their behaviour to the point that they could talk to normally to each other, even if they now made sure they were never left alone. Their friendship felt a little artificial to him, but for as long as it still existed and nobody else had noticed anything, Lovino figured they were on the right path.

Maybe this would even turn out to be a good thing in the long run. At least they had got this issue over with. They had agreed that nothing would develop between them. He didn't have to keep playing guessing games with himself or regret not telling Gilbert about his feelings. He could focus on getting over him and finding someone else. Perhaps the two weeks his life would be entirely devoid of him would help.

“Haha, I can't believe I'm going back tomorrow. I'm sure everyone will be waiting for me at the airport,” Gilbert said, leaning back on his seat and crossing his hands behind his head. “Or maybe not. They might be busy preparing the welcome back party at home.”

“Get your hopes up like that, and you're just going to end up disappointed,” Lovino said.

“Come on, you never get anything in life if you don't stand up and demand it. I told Ludi what I want written on my cake a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll have something for me.”

“God, you're fucking tacky.”

Gilbert grinned and took a gulp of his beer. “I just know what I want.”

Yeah, Lovino knew what he wanted, too. If he'd been more of an asshole, or less afraid of getting kicked into his already fragile sense of self-worth, he might have taken Gilbert's advice and decided to pursue his desires, too.

“Bring us some souvenirs when you get back,” Antonio said.

“Sure, I'll bring the best ones!”

Gilbert was in such a good mood that Lovino couldn't sulk through the evening. Maybe he wasn't an entirely hopeless case as a human being since seeing Gilbert happy made him able to put his own hurt feelings aside. That helped him feel a little better about the whole thing, so he joined the others when they began to list things they'd like to have from Berlin.

“Guys, I'm going to be broke if I buy you all of that!”

“You just said you'd get us the best ones,” Belle pointed out.

Lovino poked Gilbert in the shoulder. “And who was just going on and on about having to demand what you want instead of sitting around on your ass waiting for it? Own up to it!”

“Well, I guess the best gift you can get is me coming back here, so I don't actually have to get you anything, haha!”

“Dumbass,” Lovino muttered and lifted his glass to his lips. Gilbert's words weren't that far from the truth in his case, but it wasn't like he could let him know that.

Gilbert's flight left early, so they didn't stay out for long. Lovino had come on his Vespa, but he hung around the bus stop with the others because he couldn't bring himself to leave yet. One by one, the others disappeared as their buses arrived or they began to walk away.

Finally, it was just him and Gilbert. Lovino kept staring ahead at the road, pretending to be watching out for the bus that Gilbert needed. It was an idiotic thing to do to just stand there, but he didn't know what to say now that Antonio and Belle had left.

“You know, I'm a grown-up. I can take the bus home by myself,” Gilbert said.

“I'm not coming with you! I'm just making sure you'll get right one or you'll probably be lost all night, and then you'll miss your flight, and then I can't have my two weeks of rest from you!”

“I think I know better than you what bus goes to my stop.” Gilbert shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket and leaned back against the street lamp behind him. “But hey, if you're that worried about me making my flight, you could come to the airport to see me off!”

“Tch, as if. Like I'll get up that early on a morning when I don't have to work.”

And he really didn't want to go. It wasn't just because of he hated early mornings. What he hated even more was the thought of Gilbert walking through the gates and getting out of the country. Saying goodbye to him at the bus stop was bad enough. Gilbert would be coming back soon, he knew, but somehow Lovino had a bad feeling about the whole thing.

It was just the two of them at the stop. He could use the chance to tell Gilbert anything he wanted. He could do something sappy and grab Gilbert's jacket, kiss him and tell him he'd be waiting for him when he got back. If his life were a dumb movie, it would work and make Gilbert realise he was worth fighting every obstacle on their way.

But he knew better than to try anything like that. They had promised to forget what had happened, and he didn't want to give Gilbert a panic attack and leave that as their only interaction for the next two weeks. He just couldn't help fantasizing about it.

“Hey, there it is,” Gilbert said, and Lovino realised his bus was coming. For the first time in his life, he wished the public transportation system was even shittier than it already was because he wanted a tiny bit more time before Gilbert had to go.

“Try not to die of food poisoning while you're there. You might have lost your immunity to eating shit since you've been here for so long,” he said just as the bus stopped.

Gilbert patted his stomach. “I've got a digestive system made of iron! I'll bring you back something good so we can see what yours is like!”

“I'll never eat anything you bring back from there!” Lovino snapped, but the doors closed in the middle of his words, and he didn't know if Gilbert could hear the rest. To be sure, he waited until the bus had taken off and was safe distance away before he muttered what he had really wanted to say the whole time.

“Just remember to come back. I fucking love you, idiot.”

***

The following morning, Lovino did two things he normally wouldn't have even dreamed of. The first was that he woke up before dawn without any prompting. The second was that he had his coffee in the guestroom where he could use Facebook on their piece of shit computer.

He couldn't remember the last time he had logged into his account and told himself it was just _fine_ that he had barely any new notifications from anyone.

Gilbert had posted photos of himself at the airport. He was grinning like an idiot in them, especially in the ones in which he was in some tax-free store and showing Italian candy and brand names to the camera.

“Idiot,” Lovino thought and was about to tell him just that, but then he saw that there were already comments on the pictures.

According to a quick online translation, Erzsébet had already told Gilbert how stupid he was being, and the two of them had engaged in a fight about it. Gilbert's cousins had posted a few comments, as had some of his friends that Lovino had never even heard of before. Everything in German and between people who had known each other for years but were total strangers to him.

There was no point for him to comment. Neither the pictures nor the conversation were for him.

A glance at the clock told him that Gilbert's plane should have just taken off. It was strange to think that they wouldn't be in the same country soon, but he tried to shake it off. There was no reason to be dumb.

He turned off the computer and went back to bed to get a few more hours of sleep. When he got up, he was tempted to check Facebook again to see if Gilbert had already arrived, but he held back and tried to forget about it. If he pretended that he didn't care, maybe he wouldn't.

At the very least, it wasn't difficult to find distractions in his daily life. He focused on his work with such dedication that Feliciano asked him if he was dying and wanted to clean up his act to score a few extra points in God's eyes. When he was home, he cooked, and when he wanted something else to do, he went to sit at a café or rode around the city on his Vespa, acting like he was going somewhere.

In the end, he managed about two days of avoiding the computer and telling himself that if Gilbert needed him, he would send him a message. He didn't want to turn on the damn piece of junk, he really didn't, but then he found himself thinking that if Gilbert died of that food poisoning he had warned him about or got into an accident on an autobahn, he _couldn't_ send him anything. So he had to check himself what was going on.

Satisfied with his excuse, he took his dinner to the guestroom and logged into Facebook. What he found there was such a massive flood of posts and pictures that he had to spend a good while scrolling down before he found where he had left off the previous time.

Everything was in German again, so he had to resort to a translator to understand what Gilbert was writing. He had arrived in Berlin, Ludwig had picked him up and taken him to their parents' place, and after that there were so many photos of the house, the garden, people and dogs that Lovino didn't know how Gilbert had had the time to take all of them.

He seemed happy. Every post mentioned something about how great it was to be back, how everyone had clearly missed him and how he was having an awesome time. Lovino had to lean into his palm to stop himself from smiling at a photo in which Gilbert was trying to force-feed cake to Ludwig.

Gilbert's parents had been in only one picture on his fridge, but now Lovino found them in several of the ones he had posted. His father was a tall, serious man who looked even scarier than Ludwig. There wasn't even a hint of a smile on his face in any of the pictures, and Lovino found himself wondering what he was like. Was he the kind of man who'd have a problem with his son being into guys? Or maybe the issue was his mother. She and her husband looked like they had been made for each other – blue-eyed, blond, tall, angular. It was clear where Ludwig had got his looks from.

Plink!

At first Lovino wasn't sure where the sound had come from, but then he realised that he had got a message. And it was from Gilbert.

“Hey, Lovino! How's it going?”

“So, you can actually still write in Italian.”

“What do you mean?”

So, the idiot hadn't even realised he was leaving out all of his friends in Italy. Typical. But there was so much pure enthusiasm in everything he had posted lately that Lovino couldn't be mad even though he tried.

“Never mind. Everything okay over there?”

“Yeah, perfect! Ludi actually got me that cake I wanted. And everyone who can has been visiting. I'm everybody's favourite person in the world!”

“What about your parents?”

“Mum cried like you wouldn't believe. Dad's okay. He said he'd take me aside and give me a serious talk about what an irresponsible disappointment I am, but somehow I get the feeling he's not going to.”

“Glad to hear.” For a moment, Lovino was relieved they were communicating by writing. He was happy for Gilbert, of course he was, but the better the other was at patching things up at home, the more worried he grew that he'd just not come back. If Gilbert had been there to see his face or hear his voice, he might have noticed.

“Anyway, you haven't been online in two days! Why aren't you interested in what's going on with me?”

At least he had noticed _that._ And that simple question made Lovino realise what a petty idiot he was being. He wasn't going to achieve anything by giving Gilbert the silent treatment just because he was miserable himself.

“Sorry. I've been busy.”

“You should always have some time to check what I've been up to. Did you already see the photo with me and the dogs? They're so great!”

“So nobody is mad at you?”

“Like I said, dad was a bit stiff, but nobody wants to have my head.”

“You should still apologize and not assume that everything is fine just like that.”

“Yeah, I'll work things out. But now I've got to run! We're going to visit the Christmas market by the Charlottenburg Palace. Catch you later!!”

Gilbert didn't log out until Lovino had said him goodbye. Talking to him had put him in a better mood, and as he went to take a shower, he realised that nothing had changed just because they were so far apart from each other. In fact, that conversation had been the least awkward and stilted they had had ever since the... unfortunate incident.

He checked Facebook one more time before going to bed and saw that Gilbert had posted a few pictures of the Christmas market. There was one in which he was drinking mulled wine by a stand that sold hand-made wooden toys. It was snowing, and his dark coat and red scarf were flecked with white. Gilbert was grinning at the camera, his cheeks flushed from the cold.

The caption was Merry Christmas in Italian. Lovino spent an embarrassingly long time looking at the picture and imagining that it was only for him. He didn't want to be the first to like or comment on the photo, so he simply saved it in a secret folder and turned off the computer.

***

A couple of days passed. Lovino now checked Gilbert's Facebook regularly and was happy to see that he had begun to write his updates in both German and Italian. It made him feel like it was okay for him to get involved, so he wrote a couple of comments and found himself strangely satisfied when a few of his replies were liked by Gilbert's family and friends.

The things that fucking website can make you think, he mused as he was walking around a mall, trying to find the inspiration to do some Christmas shopping. It wasn't like he was friends with any of those people, or that they cared about him in any way. But it was nice to be acknowledged by them. His biggest fear was still that Gilbert would decide to stay in Germany, but what made his stomach turn almost as much was the possibility that his family and friends would just assume that _of course_ he'd stay. If they liked his comments, they had to realise that Gilbert had a life in Italy, too, and that it wasn't something he'd throw away just like that.

Or maybe he was just an idiot who kept over-thinking the most useless shit in the world. That was certainly what he was doing with his Christmas shopping at the moment. He always had trouble finding gifts for anyone. He wanted to get them something they liked, but he hated the part where he had to go and get it because he was so lazy he kept procrastinating on it until it was almost too late.

Most of the gifts he always ended up buying were edible – good wine for his grandfather, pralines for Feliciano, cheese for Antonio, that kind of thing. He didn't want to buy them useless junk that would just take up space in some cupboard.

The thing was, he had no idea what to get Gilbert. He couldn't just get him food. When he got back from Berlin, he'd have stuffed himself with so much German cooking that eating would probably be the last thing on his mind. Maybe something to wear, or maybe something dumb like a miniature car he could put somewhere. Gilbert probably liked crap like that.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, what the hell?” he barked and whirled around, certain that someone was going to use the crowded mall as an opportunity to molest or rob him. He was ready to give the bastard a punch to the stomach, but then he realised it was just Heracles.

“Sorry, I called out to you, but you didn't hear.”

“Never mind. Nice to see you. Are you here to buy presents?”

Lovino wondered if he should get something for Heracles. Were they close enough for that, or would it feel forced? It would be pretty embarrassing if Heracles got him something but he nothing for him. But the opposite would be even worse.

“Not really. We're just looking around.”

“Who?”

Heracles glanced over his shoulder and stepped aside, and it was only then that Lovino noticed the short man behind him. One look at him was enough to tell him which part of the world he was from, and that meant Lovino didn't have to speculate his identity for long.

“Oh, uh... Hi.”

“Good day. My name is Kiku Honda.”

“Yeah, thought so. I'm Lovino Vargas.” Lovino kept shifting his eyes between Heracles and Kiku and wondering what was going on and how he was supposed to react. “So, here for the holidays?”

“No, I only have three days.”

“Picked pretty damn bad days, then. The weather sucks.”

“It's not that bad.”

Lovino could feel discomfort welling up inside him with every word that he had to force out his mouth, so he decided to flee while he hadn't embarrassed himself yet. 

“Right, so I guess I'll leave you two –”

“We should all have coffee,” Heracles said, and both Lovino and Kiku turned to look at him in surprise and – Lovino was sure of it – unease.

“No, I don't want to bother you if you only have a few days!”

“Mr Vargas is probably running errands, so maybe we shouldn't inconvenience him.”

“Don't call me that. Even my Grandpa doesn't get called that way!”

“Oh, I'm very sorry.”

“We should see if the café on the first floor has any free seats. I want to sit down,” Heracles said. He began to make his way through the crowd without turning back to look if Lovino and Kiku were following. It seemed neither of them wanted to be left alone with the other, so they shared one look of helplessness and hurried after Heracles.

They were lucky enough to arrive at the café just as another group was leaving. Even as he sat down, Lovino tried to come up with a good excuse for getting the hell out of there, but he didn't want to come off as a total jerkass. 

Especially since he didn't even have a reason for it. What did he care what Heracles and Kiku were up to?

“So, I guess you two are doing great since you came all the way here from Japan?”

“Oh, uh...” 

“We're working on it,” Heracles said and picked up the menu on the table. He showed it to Kiku and began to explain to him what the items on it were. Lovino decided to get nothing but a small coffee. He could get rid of it fast and then flee if the situation became any more unbearable.

They had barely tasted their drinks when Heracles' phone started ringing. He ignored it until it stopped, but five minutes later, it started all over again.

“You should probably take that,” Kiku said.

“I should have left my phone at home.”

“You never know when a call is important.”

“Exactly. I don't want to be available all the time.” But despite his grumbling, Heracles took out his phone and answered it. It turned out there were some issues with the cover of his book that had to be dealt with at once, so he left the café to find a quieter place to talk.

“I'm really sorry if me being here is causing you trouble,” Kiku said as soon as Heracles was gone.

“Why the heck would it cause me trouble? Heracles and I haven't been together for a while. It's none of my business what he does and with whom. Hell, I should be the one to apologize. Here I am, wasting your time even though you only have a few days together.”

“It's no problem. It makes me happy to get to know his friends.”

“So, are you two back together or what? Is that why you came here?”

“No. We haven't discussed that. I just wanted to apologize for what I did in person.”

“Flying from Japan to Italy must cost like hell, especially this time of the year.”

“Yes, but I think one should take any steps necessary to right the wrongs one has committed. And I really feel bad for how I treated him.”

Lovino snorted into his coffee. “I treated him even worse. At least you didn't dump him because you fell for someone else.”

“You talked to him face to face. I sent him a message.”

Lovino grunted a reply, not interested in getting into a fight about which of them was the worse boyfriend. 

“So, what's your job again? Heracles never told me,” he said.

“My family owns a publishing company. We focus on textbooks.”

“So, nothing like the stuff that Heracles writes?”

A sudden gleam appeared in Kiku's eyes. “You've read his books? My brother moved me to a small subsidiary of our company so that we can start bringing out works like that.”

Lovino thought back to what Heracles had told him earlier, that Kiku had requested a move and was hoping he'd have an easier time when he was out of the spotlight. If he was working in porn publishing instead of the prestigious parent company, he certainly _should_ have some more freedom in how he lived his life.

“Come on,” he said. “Be honest with me. You want to get back together with him, right?”

Kiku hesitated at first, and Lovino was sure he wouldn't give him a direct answer. It was a really intrusive question to ask a total stranger, but he realised he wanted to know.

“Would it bother you if I did?”

“What? No, why the hell would it? I'd be glad to see him happy.”

“Well, I thought... It must be strange that I came here so suddenly. And when Heracles told me what happened, he said you had agreed that you might try again in the future.”

“Tch, don't worry about that. He wouldn't – I mean, it's just not going to happen.” Lovino cut himself off before he could finish his first thought. He had been about to say Heracles wouldn't want him anymore after what had happened, but that could discourage Kiku since they were in a similar situation. And to be honest, it was just an excuse. He was no longer interested in Heracles that way.

“So, go for it,” he continued. “You won't see any objections on my part.”

Kiku nodded, looking determined. “Alright. Thank you. I would have probably tried it anyway, though. Apologizing was really just one reason I came here.”

“You've got some guts. What if he says no? Then this was all for nothing.”

“I know, but I have to try. If he rejects me, I can at least say that I fought to the end. There's no shame in losing when you've done your best, but I believe that a battle that was never fought will linger on your mind forever.”

“Is that from a book or something?” 

“My ancestors were samurai. I'm trying to channel their fighting spirit to aid me.”

Lovino snorted, but he couldn't help but be impressed, though not because of the samurai crap. Kiku was taking a big risk and might not get anything but the pain of rejection for his troubles and sever his ties to Heracles for good. But he was right. A relationship didn't just drop on your lap out of nowhere. You had to work for it.

They dropped the subject, and Lovino suggested Kiku some sights in Rome until Heracles came back. On some level, he felt they were brothers in arms because of their similar predicaments, but talking to him was still a little awkward. He felt like if he spoke to him the way he normally talked to people, Kiku would think he was being rude.

When Heracles finally showed up again, Lovino exchanged a few more words with the two and then excused himself. It was partly because he didn't want to steal their time together – Kiku needed every minute to win Heracles back – and partly because he wanted to think. He forgot all about getting anyone presents and went back home to stare at Gilbert's Facebook posts.

Photos of himself, of the family's dogs, his cousins, snow, Christmas lights, food, his old toys, the garden, everything. Every photo came with a loving comment about how awesome everything was. He was having the time of his life in Berlin. Lovino wouldn't have been surprised if his next post had announced that he was staying.

Such bullshit, he thought and forced himself to turn off the computer. He shouldn't worry about such things. Gilbert was a lost case to him anyway. But at the back of his mind he couldn't help but think that maybe he should have done something more. Their so called confession had been crappy and vague from both sides. Hell, he had acted like he didn't give a shit about the whole thing. They had both backed down without even trying.

All this crap about being okay and wanting to move on was a lie. The friendship he had with Gilbert was important to him, but if he didn't try to pursue anything more just one more time, he'd always look back and wonder if he should have. At the very least he wanted to know why Gilbert had turned him down so quickly that first time around.

“I'll do it, dammit,” he decided. He had no idea who his ancestors were beyond the last few generations, but if he went back far enough, surely there'd be some Roman soldier whose fighting spirit he could channel. When Gilbert got back, he would talk to him and tell him exactly how he felt and demand some answers. If that made him turn around on his heels and fly back to Germany with his tail between his legs, so be it. At least he would have tried.


	33. Chapter 33

He could still back out and go home. Nobody would ever have to know what he had been dumb enough to try. This was his last chance. If he stayed here, it would be the same as driving his Vespa off a cliff on purpose.

These thoughts were rushing through Lovino's mind, and the temptation to just make a run for it was growing stronger and stronger. As was his nervousness. When he saw on the big screen on the wall that Gilbert's plane had just landed, he was sure he'd puke.

He had told nobody that he was going to greet Gilbert at the airport, not even Gilbert himself. He was sure that if he had, he probably wouldn't have had the guts to show up. As long as he still had a slight chance to weasel out, he could tolerate being there.

Before leaving, he had checked Gilbert's last entry on Facebook. It was a picture taken out of Ludwig's car with the caption “Bye, bye, Berlin!”. It had made Lovino both happy – Gilbert was finally coming back! – and wary – what if _he_ wasn't happy to be back? If Gilbert was feeling really down, should he wait until later with his attempts to win him over?

Lovino shifted on his feet and glanced at the screen on the wall to check the time. Damn this wait. But just as he was finished with that thought, he spotted Gilbert among the crowd that was beginning to pour out from the baggage claim area. He was carrying a large black-and-white sportsbag, and for a moment Lovino just watched him.

Then Gilbert noticed him, and a surprised smile appeared on his face.

“Hey, Lovino!” He hurried to him and dropped the bag at their feet, lifting his arms a little and making Lovino certain that he was going to hug him. But he didn't, and his arms fell back to his sides. “You came to get me!”

“Yeah, I had nothing better to do.”

“You didn't tell me anything! Did you want to surprise me?”

“Something like that. Pick up your bag and let's go.” Lovino cringed inwardly at every word that left his mouth. He didn't want to sound so rude, but he was so nervous that it came automatically. He had planned that he'd go with Gilbert to his apartment and talk to him there, but if he kept this up, he'd totally ruin the other's surprisingly cheerful mood.

“Or what the hell, let me take it,” he continued in a feeble attempt to do some damage control.

“Uh, sure,” Gilbert said. He watched in amusement as Lovino took the bag and struggled to carry it.

They made their way to the platform where the train to the central station in Rome would soon leave. It was crowded and noisy, and they had to walk to the far end before they found a spot where Lovino could put down the bag.

“What did you bring back from there? Rocks?”

“Just some stuff. And souvenirs, remember? Just wait until you see what I got you! But not before Christmas!”

Gilbert was in a good mood and kept laughing and telling him funny stories about what had happened in Berlin. It was genuine but also a little exaggerated, which made Lovino think that maybe he was sad about coming back after all and was trying not to show it.

“Is it okay if I come over to your place for a while?” he asked.

“What? Oh, sure! I was actually thinking of asking you to, but you just saved me the trouble.”

The train was packed full of people, and they were lucky to get seats. Even then, they were pressed uncomfortably against each other with Gilbert's sports bag in their arms when the people who had to stand on the aisle turned around so that their backpacks nearly hit Lovino in the face. Gilbert's overblown stories about Berlin never paused, and after a while Lovino felt tempted to staple his mouth shut.

“You posted so much crap on Facebook that I was sure you spent all your time on your laptop and never actually did anything,” he said.

“I was just super excited about everything! Just like now! That's why I have to talk about it all the time.”

Lovino made a grumpy face behind Gilbert's sports bag where the other couldn't see him. “With the way you talk, I'm surprised you even came back. Sounds like everything's a lot better over there.”

“You know, that's actually something I think we should talk about...”

Shit. He was going to tell him he'd be moving back to Germany as soon as he got everything sorted out, wasn't he? Lovino could see his plans for the evening shattering to pieces before his eyes, and suddenly he knew that if he let Gilbert speak, he'd never have the guts to tell him how he felt.

“I have something else to talk about first! Don't you dare cut in line, dammit!”

“Sheesh, fine. If you're that eager, be my guest and go first. But I bet my news is more awesome than yours.” Gilbert was silent for a moment. “Well, what is it?”

“I'm not going to talk about it here!”

“But then I have to wait before I can say what I want! That's not fair!”

“Life's not fair, and you don't always get what you want.”

Gilbert let out an impatient groan but didn't put up a fight. They sat in relative silence throughout the rest of the journey, and Lovino kept rehearsing his lines inside his head to make sure he wouldn't blurt out anything stupid when the moment came. Finally, they arrived at the main station and headed for the bus stop outside it.

“You ready to spill the beans now?” Gilbert asked.

Lovino eyed the other people who were waiting for a bus and shrugged. “If we walk to the next stop that won't be so crowded, sure.”

“That's really far away!”

“It'll be faster than waiting until we're at your place.”

Gilbert agreed with a grunt and picked up the sports bag. “You know what I already miss about Berlin? Knowing exactly when the bus is going to be at the stop!”

“Punctuality just makes life more stressful.”

“Pfft, it's the opposite! I guess that's something I'll never get used to here. Ludi told me the same thing. He asked if I'm not already tired enough to come back, and then I said –”

“Hey, don't start with that shit! I said I'm first!”

“But you aren't saying anything!” Gilbert pointed at the darkening street and made an exasperated face. “There's almost nobody here, and I don't think anyone would care about what we talk about anyway.”

“Okay, if you're that fucking impatient! Right, so, uh... I did some thinking while you were away. It seemed like you had a pretty great time in Berlin.”

“Oh, yeah! I haven't told you even half of it! Like this one evening Ludi and I –”

“Let me finish!”

“Right, sorry!”

“Anyway, I figure that the chances of you getting into your dumb head that you might be better off back home are pretty high, so I'll just get this over with as soon as I can. I know we promised we wouldn't talk about this again, but... uh... dammit, I just...” Lovino stopped walking and made a helpless gesture with his hands. “I just can't move on the way I said! You're too important to me!”

“Whoa, that's –”

“Don't think I want this, though! You're the last person on Earth I'd like to have feelings for, but I can't fucking help it. While you were off having a blast in Berlin, I realised that I don't want to live without you, and even though this shit is probably going to result in just that, I have to say it. So call me an idiot or whatever, but there you go. That's it.”

Done with his rant, Lovino gasped for air, realising that he hadn't been breathing. He felt ready to throw up. It took all of his willpower to keep looking at Gilbert instead of running away and going into hiding for the rest of his life.

He supposed it was a good sign that Gilbert hadn't begun to run away, either. He was staring at him with a dumbstruck and stupid look on his face, like he hadn't understood a word of what he had just heard. Hell, maybe his Italian had become so rusty in Germany that he really hadn't got anything of Lovino's fast and mangled yelling.

But then Gilbert's eyes widened, and he dropped the sports bag to grab Lovino's arms. “Wow! Are you a mind-reader?”

“Huh?”

“That's exactly the same thing I wanted to tell you!”

“Huh? The fuck are you talking about?”

“The same thing! Yeah, I had tons of fun back home, and Ludi asked me to stay again, but that was when I figured out that it'd be pretty pointless. I mean, home is awesome, but... maybe you're a tiny bit more awesome! Ha! So what do you say to that?”

“Ugh, fuck you!” Lovino grabbed Gilbert's arms like the other was doing to him and shook him. “Why didn't you say that before?”

“You said you wanted to go first!”

“You could have told me before you got back! Do you have any goddamn clue how much I've been fretting, and all for nothing!”

“You wanted me to say that on Facebook?”

“You could have called me!”

“Pfft, no. I had my reasons.”

“Like what?”

Gilbert chuckled and looked to the side. “Well, I didn't know how you'd react, so I though it's better to come back first and then tell you. Because if you had told me to piss off, I might have lost my motivation to come back at all...”

“You're an idiot.”

“Hey, not fair! You could have told me earlier, too! You're an idiot! Not me!”

“What, and have you freak out so much that you'd decide to stay in Berlin?”

That cut off the argument, and for a while they simply stared at each other and tried to digest the news. Lovino figured they were both total idiots. But then he remembered what Gilbert had just said to him and that they were still standing there in the middle of the pavement, holding each other.

“Fuck, I don't know what to do,” he admitted. Were they going to try dating now? Was it okay if he kissed Gilbert? If he leaned just a little bit closer –

“Let's go to my place!” Gilbert let go of him and picked up his bag, making a show of throwing it over his shoulder even though it was so heavy. “We can continue this there.”

“Right, sure.” Maybe that was for the best. Getting touchy-feely in public had never been high on Lovino's list of things he liked, and he guessed it had to be even lower for Gilbert who had told him he'd never date a guy just a little over a month ago. Better take it slow.

It took them almost an hour to reach Gilbert's apartment. Once inside, Gilbert went straight for the couch and threw himself on it, letting out a groan.

“Don't tell me you're tired. The flight was, what, two hours?”

“It's not that. I barely slept in Berlin because I didn't want to miss out on anything. And that talk we had felt like I was facing a battalion all by myself.”

“You had it easy! I said everything first!” Lovino walked to the fridge and opened it, only to find out there was nothing but a bottle of olive oil. Well, that figured. Gilbert had been out of the country for two weeks.

“Is there a supermarket around here somewhere?”

“Yeah, but I don't feel like getting up. Let's order take-out.”

Lovino agreed, though he had been looking forward to cooking. It would have given him a way to keep his hands busy. Then again, maybe it was for the best that he didn't get a convenient excuse to distract himself. There were still too many unanswered questions about their situation.

“Right,” he said after he had called the nearest restaurant to get them some pizza, “you've got a lot of explaining to do here!”

“Like what?”

“Before, you told me you'd never date a guy! What's going on here now? And are we even going out or not?” He walked over to the couch and leaned over the backrest to glare at Gilbert. The other had crossed his hands behind his head and thrown one knee over the other, but he looked anything but relaxed. His spine might have just as well been an iron bar.

“Of course we're going out! You think I'd dangle the chance of having me in front of your eyes and then let you down? I'm not that cruel!”

“That's exactly what you did last time!”

“Haha, I guess you're right.” Gilbert shifted himself so that he was sitting a little more upright. “But it's totally different now!”

“What changed?”

“I hope you're ready to hear this! It's going to be a little lame, but the awesome me can pull through and say anything. Anyway, like I said, I had a great time in Berlin. But it was a little weird, too. You know why?”

“Why?”

Gilbert rolled to his side so that he wasn't facing him anymore and buried his face into the couch. “Nggh, I can't say it after all! I'm embarrassed!”

“Spit it out, dammit!” Lovino grabbed Gilbert's shoulder and shook him.

“Well, the problem was that the more fun I had, the more obvious it became that you weren't there! I've got so used to seeing you any time I feel like it that it really sucked when I wanted you to taste my favourite beer, or take Ludi's dogs out with me but couldn't. And then I realised that just being friends wasn't going to be good enough if that meant that I'd have to watch you go out on dates and do fun stuff with someone else more than with me!”

“That's... that's totally –”

“Embarrassing, huh?”

“Yeah! And dumb!” Lovino pressed his hands against his cheeks and could feel them burning. “But what the heck, the shit I was thinking over here was just as lame, so...”

“Haha, yeah.”

“Did you tell anyone at home? Do they know that you're interested in a guy?”

Gilbert shrugged. “I told Ludi. I had to give him some reason why I wasn't going to stay.”

“What did he say?”

“Nothing much. That it's irresponsible to throw away all the great stuff I could have in Germany just because of a relationship, but I know he didn't really mean it. He tries to act like he's all rational and stuff, but he's a total softie.”

“But he didn't have a problem with it?”

“Nah, he's not like that.”

“Then what was up with you before? You said you'd never date a guy. Why was that? Would your parents give you shit for it?”

“No idea. We don't talk about stuff like that at home. I was just nervous because this whole going out with a guy thing didn't feel normal or right.”

“And now it does?”

“It _will,_ ” Gilbert said in determination. “I don't care what I have to do. I'll make it work!”

“Tch.” Lovino rolled his eyes. Not much had changed, it seemed. Gilbert was still a bag of problems, and starting a relationship with him would no doubt result in anger and tears. Hell, even if Gilbert was the most openly gay man in the world, he was sure they'd still get on each other's nerves all the time.

Gilbert drummed his fingertips together and looked up at him expectantly. “So, what's it going to be?”

“What do you mean?”

“Will you go out with me even if I'm not as comfortable with this as you?”

“What are you, a total dumbass?” Lovino grabbed the front of Gilbert's shirt and forced him to sit straighter. “Do you think I have a choice? You're so hopeless that you're never going to get your shit figured out if I don't help you!”

“Can I take that as a very, very enthusiastic yes?”

“If you must, but here's one thing that we're setting straight right away. I don't care when you tell your parents since I don't have to see them every day, but we aren't lying to anyone here. So get ready for embarrassing sex tips from Grandpa!”

“How does he even have any? Wasn't he married to your grandmother all his life?”

“I don't know, and I don't care. You had better not ask!”

“Don't worry, I won't.”

“Good.” Lovino spent a split second wondering if this was a good moment to pull Gilbert just a little bit higher and kiss him, but he decided against it. Instead, he let him fall back on the couch and sunk to the floor. 

Holy hell. This had really happened. He was going to get together with Gilbert.

“Hey, what's with you?” There was the sound of movement, and when Lovino looked up, he saw Gilbert peering down at him over the backrest.

“I'm happy, dammit.” Lovino hid his face into his arms and tried not to laugh. “And it's all your fault!”

“Hehe, your knees gave in under you because I'm so hot and great!”

“No, they didn't!”

“They did! But hey, if you're happy, what are you doing sulking down there? Get up here and sit on the couch with me!”

Right, he should. They were together, and he had no reason to keep his distance. But, somehow, it didn't seem any different from a moment ago. He was still feeling queasy under all the relief and happiness. He had never got together with anyone like this, after knowing them for so long as just a friend. He had just run into someone interesting, started going out and they had _then_ got to know each other. It was all backwards with Gilbert.

“This is great!” Gilbert announced and threw an arm over Lovino's shoulder.

“That long since you were last together with anyone?”

“I've been letting my awesomeness build up for someone special. I'm all fired up to make this the best thing ever!”

Gilbert's words certainly sounded excited, but Lovino wasn't that easily fooled. He had got used to Gilbert saying whatever the hell crossed his mind, so he had learned to look behind his words for other signs. And right now his body felt anything but relaxed against him, and his voice had been so tight Lovino was impressed it hadn't snapped.

“Stop being dumb,” he said and pushed Gilbert away. “You don't have to start acting to lovey-dovey out of the blue.”

“You don't like that kind of stuff?”

“Hmph! Maybe sometimes, but not if you're going to make it that forced. Look, just be normal. We'll get to the other stuff later.”

“Like sex?”

“Yeah, like sex! What's next, are you going to tell me you're a virgin or what?”

A stunned expression took over Gilbert's face. “What? Of course not! Do you think someone who looks like _this_ could be a beginner? I'm a master, I tell you.” He chuckled and grinned somewhat awkwardly. “Though it could be that I'm a little lacking in experience with guys...”

“In other words, you've done nada with a man before.”

“But I've watched a lot of porn! I know how it goes!”

Lovino groaned and leaned back on the couch. “We'll see about that later. But don't fret over it.” 

It was strange. He was used to being the one who had less experience with everything and needed to be reassured and taken care of. In some ways, it was what he looked for in a relationship, someone to tell him that he was good enough and doing okay. He could only hope that he'd know what to do if Gilbert needed that from him.

Their food arrived some time later. They turned on the TV to make a cheesy holiday flick give them some background noise and an easy topic of conversation as they ate. Gilbert had seen the movie before but Lovino hadn't, so he kept ruining all the scenes in advance because he couldn't keep his mouth shut when something exciting was about to happen. Lovino didn't mind – the movie was dumb anyway, and watching Gilbert act so normal helped him relax, too.

By the time the credits were rolling, it was getting close to ten at night. Gilbert folded the empty pizza boxes neatly and shoved them into a drawer where he collected cardboard.

“I love to recycle,” he said when Lovino asked him what he was doing.

“Weirdo. Anyway, I guess I should get going.”

“You don't want to spend the night?”

“I don't know. I don't have my Vespa, and I need to be at the shop early. It's a pretty long way from here.”

“I'll take you! The hotel where I work isn't far away, so I'll drive you when I get the car.”

“You sure that's okay?”

“Yeah, I have to go to the airport to pick up some people in the morning. It's only a few minutes more to swing by your shop.”

“No, I meant, you really want me here?”

Gilbert looked at him like he was an idiot. “Sure! Do you think I'd ask if I didn't?”

“Just now you couldn't even sit normally on the couch with me, so sorry if I doubt you a little!”

“That was just a test drive! I feel much more relaxed now. And besides, the sooner everything falls into a routine, the better, right?” Gilbert wiggled his brows at him, and it was so stupid and cute that Lovino decided that hell, he'd say. 

“You can borrow my toothbrush tonight, but you should buy yourself one for my place,” Gilbert said and showed him everything he might need in the tiny bathroom. Lovino spent a moment trying to remember how long it had taken before he had bought one to keep at Heracles' apartment. Two weeks? But he hadn't known Heracles at all when they had started their relationship, so it was normal if he jumped straight into little details like this with Gilbert, wasn't it?

“I know that,” he grumbled. “This isn't the first time I get together with someone.”

It also wasn't the first time he saw Gilbert strip to his underwear. He had seen him like that when they had shared a room at the summer house, but back then he had simply acknowledged to himself that Gilbert looked surprisingly good for someone who wasn't his type. Now he wanted to stare, and while he knew there was no reason not to anymore, he couldn't help but feel embarrassed.

Then Gilbert caught him stealing glimpses, and that smirk that was somehow so self-satisfied and shy at the same time was driving him nuts. So, he took out his phone and began to rack his brain in an effort to decide what to tell his family. Should he just say he was staying with a friend and leave it at that? But that was sort of lying since Gilbert wasn't just a friend anymore. If he named Gilbert, would they guess what had happened? What the hell did it matter if they would?

_I watched a movie with Gilbert and I'm too tired to walk to the busstop, so I'm staying for the night._

There. That should keep everyone from freaking out about why he wasn't coming home. He'd tell them everything the following day. If he did it now, they'd bombard him with calls and messages and maybe come knocking on Gilbert's door if he didn't reply fast enough.

Meanwhile, Gilbert had crawled under the covers and was looking at him with his face visible from nose upwards only. The bed was wider than a single bed, but not wide enough for two people to get comfortable. There were two pillows, and the covers looked just about big enough for them both if they squeezed close together.

“You're coming over for dinner tomorrow,” Lovino said as he lifted the covers and tried to act casual when his thighs brushed against Gilbert's. Dammit, he'd shared a bed with lots of people before. He had to act cooler than this.

“Sure. So, now we just go to sleep, huh?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah. Don't even think about anything else because I'm tired.” That was only half a lie. He could have stayed up doing all things imaginable, but he was content with just this. And hell, there was no “just” about it. Getting to lie by Gilbert's side in bed, so close that his skin was pressed against his and he could hear him breathe and smell his shampoo was something he had thought would stay in his pitiful fantasies. 

“Okay! See you in the morning!”

Gilbert let out a satisfied sigh and closed his eyes. However, it took only a few moments before they were open again, and he turned to Lovino tell him that he was going to get a glass of water and ask if he wanted one, too. He hopped out of bed and ran to the kitchen and back. His next attempt at falling asleep was thwarted when he got up to check his phone to make sure he had set the alarm, then to see if he had clean socks for the morning.

“Calm the hell down, or I'm going home,” Lovino said.

“I can't help it! I'm just so excited! I've got so much energy flowing through me right now!”

“You're acting like a five-year-old the night before Christmas.” But Lovino was happy and relieved, too, and he gestured for the now empty spot beside him. “Come here, dumbass.”

Gilbert did, and Lovino tossed the covers over him once he was back in bed. 

“Now sleep.”

“On one condition.”

Lovino was about to ask what it was, but then Gilbert had already leaned closer and given him a peck to the lips.

“I want a goodnight kiss!” he announced as he pulled back.

“You're supposed to tell the condition before you act!”

“I was too impatient.”

Lovino wanted to shove the pillow into Gilbert's face. “Whatever. You got it. Now shut up. I have to get up at five, and I want to have some rest!”

“What if I want another one?”

“Well, you can't have it! And if you don't stop being an idiot, I really will leave.” He thought about it for a moment. “But if it'll make you start behaving now, you can kiss me all you want tomorrow.”

“That a promise? Then I'm shutting up right now. I'm the best at being calm!”

In the end, it took almost fifteen minutes before Gilbert finally stopped babbling and tried to lie still. His breathing turned regular, and he was so unmoving by Lovino's side that at first he thought he had fallen asleep in a second, but then he realised he was simply putting all his effort into being motionless and not bothering him.

What a half-witted dork, he thought and shifted his position so that he was closer to him. Later, when he was already half-asleep, he could feel Gilbert's hand wriggle into his, and at that moment, nothing could have made him happier.


	34. Chapter 34

Lovino was woken up by the piercing sound of an alarm that felt like someone was poking at his eardrums with a needle. He wanted to hide under the covers. Fuck, was it really morning already? Couldn't he sleep just a little bit more, or maybe skip work altogether?

“Hey! You have to get up!”

“Nnngh...”

“I'll go take a shower, and if you aren't up by the time I get back, I'm dumping cold water on you!”

Lovino didn't even bother opening his eyes. He curled up into a ball and buried his face into the mattress. The bed smelled of Gilbert. His spot was still warm after he had got up, and Lovino rolled over to his side to enjoy it.

After a moment, he had no choice but to force himself into a sitting position. He rubbed his eyes and shivered at the feeling of his bare feet touching the floor. He would have to tell Gilbert to buy some carpets and pave the way to the kitchen with them so that he could go and make coffee without having to bother to put his socks on.

He listened to the sound of water and Gilbert singing in the shower as he sat in the kitchen and waited for the coffee to get ready. Thinking back to everything that had happened the previous evening helped him wake up a little, and even before he finally got his first sip of coffee, he was beginning to think he might make it through the day.

Gilbert was his boyfriend. His. Boyfriend. It was too good to be true, and Lovino knew his life well enough to predict that a shitstorm would hit eventually, but until that, he wanted to bask in this happy feeling all he could.

The door to the bathroom opened, and Gilbert stepped out, drying his hair on a towel. Lovino was a little miffed that he was already wearing underwear, but he would have rather died than admitted that he wanted a peek, so he pretended he was more interested in his coffee than Gilbert.

“I put out an extra towel for you if you want to take a shower,” Gilbert said.

“Sure. Help yourself to the coffee.”

When Lovino got out of the shower, Gilbert was already dressed, finished with his breakfast and sitting on the couch with his jacket over his arm, eager to leave.

“Are you going to be ready soon?” he asked.

“Give me a minute here! I'm not a robot like some people!” Early mornings sucked anyway, so Lovino saw no reason to make them even worse by hurrying up. He liked to enjoy his shower and coffee and turn the TV on while he got dressed.

Gilbert raised his palms in a gesture of peace. “Just asking!”

Lovino didn't want their first morning together to turn into fighting over something stupid, so he hopped into his clothes, checked his hair briefly in the bathroom mirror and then followed Gilbert out of the apartment. The air was cool and fresh, and the nearly deserted and quiet streets made it feel like there was nobody around but them.

Some of Gilbert's good mood seemed to have disappeared the moment they stepped outside his apartment. He kept his pace fast so that he was always a little further ahead of Lovino, and he wasn't constantly babbling like usual. Then he suddenly stopped a few streets away from the hotel where he worked and gestured at a bench by the pavement.

“I think you should wait here. People might ask questions if I show up with someone. I'll get the car and pick you up.”

“Yeah, okay.” Lovino did his best not to feel irritated. Gilbert wasn't supposed to use the hotel's car to give rides to his boyfriend, so of course he couldn't go to work with him. But he couldn't help but wonder if it was also because Gilbert didn't want anyone to see him show up with a guy in case someone thought they had spent the night together.

He sat down on the bench with a huff and crossed his arms on his chest. Some fifteen minutes later, Gilbert parked a fancy, black car right in front of him and winded down the front window.

“Hey, cutie! Need a ride?”

“About time! I'm freezing my ass off!”

“Don't exaggerate! This is Rome, and you have no idea what freezing even means!”

Lovino circled around the car and sat down on the passenger seat. Gilbert was using an air freshener that made the car smell like new, and he sank happily against the backrest. It would be nice to have a car like this one day.

“You like my baby?”

“It's not yours.”

“Almost! We all have our designated cars, so nobody else drives this.” Gilbert gave the dashboard an affectionate pate. “I just got it back from repairs after the accident.”

“Right, that. Keep your eyes on the road, or you'll have another one.”

“No way. That was just because I was going through momentary weakness and fretted so much over what I said to you when I was drunk. But that's over now.”

“There's always going to be something else to worry about.”

“Not for me! Worrying takes you nowhere, so you have to tackle the problem, or, if you can't, be happy about something else.”

Lovino rolled his eyes, but kept his mouth shut about how Gilbert's approach sounded more like pretending no problems existed. They were almost at the shop, and he had more important things to talk about.

“Don't forget that dinner tonight,” he said.

“You going to formally introduce me to your family or what?”

“No, dumbass. They already know you. No formal introduction is going to fix the damage your normal behaviour has caused. You're just coming over for dinner.”

Gilbert chuckled. “Yeah, I guess there's no reason to make a big number out of this.”

Lovino wanted to ask him what he meant by that because it wasn't like Gilbert to pass on a chance to show off, but that was when they arrived at the shop. He got out of the car but turned back one more time before Gilbert had the chance to drive off.

“I'm going to tell Grandpa and the others right away, okay? No grand announcements tonight or anything.”

“Sure. But, uh... How about you don't say anything on Facebook and stuff? I mean, not yet. But later?”

“Tch, I'm not one of you idiots who need to make every single thing in their lives public. And what makes you think I want the whole world to know I'm dumb enough to date you?” Lovino tried not to feel too annoyed. It wasn't like it was one of his top priorities to change his relationship status online right away, but it sucked to hear that he couldn't.

“Oh, then it's good! Bye!” Gilbert said with a grin and waved at him as he closed the car window.

Lovino sighed and began to head inside. His grandfather was already there, humming to himself as he was getting the equipment ready.

“Morning! I was sure you wouldn't show up in time.”

“And why's that?”

“Well, Feliciano said you were with Gilbert, so I thought maybe you'd be too exhausted to get up today.”

“God, could you stop being this invested in my sex life? Don't make assumptions about what we did or didn't do! It's none of your business.” Lovino tried to busy himself with measuring cream, but it was hard to concentrate, so he decided to get the whole thing over with. “Just so that you can finally stop bothering me about it, we're together now.”

“Oh, that's great! I told you fighting would bear fruit!” His grandfather placed his hands on Lovino's shoulders and patted him approvingly, and Lovino wasn't sure if he wanted to shake him off or indulge in his happiness.

“Stop that, you're making me spill the cream!” he snapped, but he made no move to get away from him. 

“You can't blame me for being proud that my grandson is so lucky in love! There was that Marco guy in February, Heracles over the summer and now Gilbert! Wow!”

“Don't say that like it's a good thing!” A truly lucky person would actually be able to _stay_ in a relationship. What good was it to find someone new if it was doomed to end so quickly anyway? 

“Well, I think it is! You're really blessed!”

Lovino began to rummage for some sugar in a cupboard so that he could hide his face. “I'd rather have a relationship like you and Grandma.”

“I'm sure you will. In the meantime, just enjoy everything else that comes your way.” 

“Hmph. Cut it out with your dumb advice. Gilbert's coming for dinner tonight, and I don't want you to intimidate him.”

“He never struck me as someone who's easily scared.”

“No, I mean... He's not like Heracles, or any of the others. He hasn't dated a guy before. Don't make him feel too self-conscious.”

His grandfather harrumphed in disappointment. “You mean I can't coo over my grandson's new boyfriend? That's not fair!”

“At least wait a little! Do you want him to dump me and run away to Germany?”

“Hmm, yeah, I guess you have to keep a firm hold on him now that you've reeled him in. But that shouldn't be a problem. Just use the charms you inherited from me, and he won't ever want to leave!”

“Like I got anything useful from you.”

“You look more like me than Feliciano does. But your personality sure comes from your Grandma's side. Your mother is like that, too.”

“If that comparison was supposed to make me feel better, it did a shitty job! Now get working and stop ruining my day because I want to be really happy today.”

It didn't take long before Lovino's grumpiness began to fade away. How could he stay pissed off when he knew that Gilbert wanted to be together with him? He tried not to act like an idiot teenager experiencing his first crush, but he couldn't help but feel like bursting when Gilbert sent him a few silly texts over the day, or when he imagined what he'd cook for him in the evening. A few of the regulars who came by told him he was acting surprisingly merry, and not even his grandfather's beaming and chuckling behind his back could wreck his mood.

***

It had taken Lovino forever to decide what he wanted to make for dinner. According to Feliciano, he was being silly because everything he cooked was great and it wasn't like Gilbert was going to dump him because the food wasn't his favourite. Lovino knew it was true, but he couldn't stop fretting, and even when it was already too late to change his mind and start all over, he kept wondering if he should have picked another dish instead.

Feliciano's initial reaction to the news had been a brief moment of confusion and wondering when Lovino's taste had changed so much, but then he had reasoned that Gilbert had to be extra special if he was willing to overlook all of his flaws and date him. And he was, but it wasn't like Lovino could admit that, so he threw a garlic clove at his brother and chased him out of the kitchen.

He had just got the food boiling when Gilbert arrived, and Lovino made sure to be the first at the door to save Gilbert from a sudden attack by his relatives.

“Hey,” Gilbert said. He hovered at the entrance like it was physically difficult for him to hop over the doorstep. Lovino was beginning to wonder if he was supposed to grab him and pull him in.

Just as he was about to try that, Feliciano dashed from the living room and pushed him aside.

“Gilbert, you're back! Did you bring me anything from Berlin?”

“Idiot, don't ask for presents when he hasn't even come in yet!”

“But I'm curious! He promised me something good.” Feliciano gave Gilbert's his sweetest smile. “I hope you got me candy because I love eating sweets from all over the world.”

“You've got to wait a little. It's not Christmas yet,” Gilbert said with a laugh and finally stepped into the apartment. He started to take off his jacket and hung it on the coat rack. Feliciano blabbered with him all the way to the living room where their grandfather was watching TV with Giorgio.

“Hey, welcome back to civilization. Now get yourself over here and tell me about it! I haven't been to Berlin since 1969, and I bet it's changed a little,” Romulus said. He patted an empty spot by himself on the couch.

“Haha, yeah. For starters, it's been one city for a long time now.”

Lovino made routine trips to the kitchen to see how the food was coming along, but he kept a close ear on the conversation Gilbert was having with his grandfather. He seemed to have relaxed somewhat, and his grandfather was behaving for once, so everything was going better than Lovino had expected. Nevertheless, he was ready to jump in as soon as someone said something too stupid.

“You know, when Grandpa told me Lovino's interested in someone, I didn't think it could be you,” Feliciano mused.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, you just aren't his type. You're kind of...” Feliciano made vague gestures with his hands as he searched for the words. “Super pale and choppy and angular. I don't think you'd make a very good pillow for naps, and that's an important quality in a partner. But other than that, I guess you're okay!”

Gilbert patted his stomach. “Yeah, my abs are iron! But that's a plus, not a minus!”

“If I wanted a pillow, I'd just buy one. Like I could ever have a nap with him blabbering all the time!” Lovino yelled from the kitchen.

“See, he agrees! My abs are the best!”

“That's not what I meant!”

“When you've tried to have a nap on him, tell me how it was!” Feliciano said. “I'd try myself, but I don't want to make you jealous.” However, he apparently wasn't overly worried about upsetting either of them because he punctuated his words by poking at Gilbert's stomach and making him squirm.

“Stop, that tickles!”

“Lovino, I discovered a weak spot you can use against him!”

Their grandfather laughed and joined in on the poking. “Oh, I'm sure Lovino has already discovered all the best places in him to stick his fing–”

At once, Lovino marched into the living room. “That's it, we're staying in the kitchen until the food is ready. Nobody follow.”

“Don't worry! You can be all by yourselves!”

Lovino replied by giving his family the finger as he liberated Gilbert from their clutches and shoved him into the kitchen. He made Gilbert sit down on a stool and went to check up on the food, grumbling to himself about having been born to a family of idiots.

“You know, at first I kind of thought you hadn't told them yet,” Gilbert said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, they were so... Normal, I guess. I was expecting something more.”

“What? A reception fit for a king? Just for being my boyfriend? Get real, dumbass.”

“No, that's not it! It's just weird how it feels like nothing's changed. I mean, I'm not complaining, but I thought they'd be different to me now.”

“How?”

Gilbert snorted at the back of his throat in a way that sounded like an attempt at a chuckle. “I don't know.”

Lovino slammed the lid on the pot and marched over to the other to press his finger on his forehead. “You're the same you've always been, so what reason does anyone have to treat you differently? Everyone can see that you're a hopeless imbecile who'll never change, so there's no point.”

“Haha, I guess. Pretty dumb, huh?”

Lovino wasn't sure what to do. Gilbert was putting up a good act, but he could tell he had been worried about the reception he'd get. There was a heavy tightness around his throat and chest that he didn't know how to deal with. Gilbert was feeling that way because they were together. Something that was supposed to be happy and wonderful was making him nervous around people who were important to him.

“Yeah, you're super dumb,” he muttered. “But I guess you'll have time to learn.”

“I thought you said I'm hopeless? You changing your mind?”

“No, but even you aren't that hopeless. I have a limit for how much idiocy I can deal with, and you're just about below it. Consider yourself lucky.”

This wasn't going like he wanted. There had to be something he could do to cheer Gilbert up. He caught sight of the door to the small balcony that had been added to the kitchen some generations ago. That was where he had had one of his first real conversations with Gilbert back when he had been hardly able to stand him.

“Come on,” he said and grabbed Gilbert's hand to pull him up.

“Where?”

“They did some renovations on the house across the street. You've got to see how fucking hideous it is now.”

He pulled open the door and shoved Gilbert out, then wormed his way beside him. The cramped space gave him an excuse to be close – but how lame was it that he still felt like he needed one? – and the near darkness felt safer than the brightness of the kitchen.

“Maybe it's because it's night, but I don't see the problem. In fact, isn't the house the same as before?”

“What would you know? When's the last time you saw it?”

“Well, what's so ugly about it?”

“Never mind. I'm not going to explain it to you if you don't get it.”

“Let me guess, nothing was done to the house and you just wanted a reason to cuddle with me? You could just ask, you know?”

“No!” Or, at the very least, he didn't want the physical closeness because _he_ needed it. Gilbert was the one who looked like he could use some reassurance, but Lovino was so unaccustomed to giving it to others that he wasn't sure where to start.

“You shouldn't worry about anyone that we both know,” he said. “I had to drop some friends from school when I got my first boyfriend, so there's nobody left who'd give you shit. If Antonio and the others didn't have a problem with me, why would they have a problem with you?”

“I'm not scared! You don't have to worry about me!”

Lovino gave Gilbert a bump with his hips to squeeze him against the wall. “Stupid liar! I'm trying to be considerate here, so the least you could do is say thanks and accept it and not let my effort go to waste!”

“Hey, it's not going to waste! It's just that I'm not worried about Antonio or Francis and the others.”

“But you are worried about something. Is it your family? Ludwig was fine with us, so that's a start, right?”

“Yeah, it's not that I think there'd be a huge mess or anything, but... Just playing safe, you know? I'd rather not cause any drama when Ludi and Kati's wedding is coming up. I really want to attend.”

Lovino wanted to say that they'd never kick him out, especially if Ludwig was on his side, but he held his tongue. He didn't know Gilbert's family, and even if Gilbert said they were okay, that didn't mean he could take his word for it. The dumbass loved downplaying his problems.

“Yeah, okay. Makes sense,” he said. “But you should still tell them.” In theory, if Gilbert decided to stay in Italy, he could keep on living without letting anyone else back home know. But the thought made Lovino uncomfortable. He wanted to meet Gilbert's family one day and get to know them. Gilbert wouldn't be just hiding himself if he didn't tell them anything. He'd be concealing Lovino, too, and denying him a part of his life that was important to him.

“I will. Just not now.”

“Good. I'm not going to be anyone's secret forever.” Lovino gave Gilbert a few half-hearted punches to the shoulder to irritate him. “And if they give you shit about it, I'll give them twice as much in return because it's not just you they'd be screwing with. Don't forget I'm in this with you.”

“You're pretty hard to forget since you make so much noise all the time.”

“You're the one who's unnecessarily loud! And you –”

“Lovino! Why is everything burning?”

Feliciano's voice interrupted their argument and they bolted back into the kitchen, only to discover that the pan with their dinner was emitting smoke and a dreadful, burnt smell. Most of it was escaping out the window closest to the stove, but there was still enough left in the kitchen to make Lovino gag and cover his nose.

“Fuck,” he swore as he inspected the sorry remains of their dinner. He should have turned down the heat before starting to talk with Gilbert, but he hadn't thought he'd get so distracted. And not only was the food ruined, but so was the pot, and it was his favourite.

“Aww, now we have to order take-out. You should have told us you wanted to make out with Gilbert and someone else would have taken over the cooking,” Feliciano said with a sad frown.

“We weren't making out!”

“But you weren't cooking, so...”

“Doesn't matter! Now shut up and open more windows! This stinks!”

Gilbert patted him on the back. “Could be worse. You could have burned down the house.”

“What do you mean me? You were here, too!”

“Yeah, but the food was your responsibility.”

“You're the one who was distracting me!”

“Aha, so you _were_ making out!”

Lovino was feeling too pissed off to do much more than sit down and sulk, so Gilbert took over cleaning up the mess. He scraped whatever he could out of the pot and threw it out, after which he began to look around the cupboards to find something he could scrub the stove with once it had cooled down.

“I have no idea why you're making such a fuss,” he said. “Shit happens.”

“I don't want to eat pizza for dinner two days in a row.”

“Get different toppings than last night. Problem solved!”

Lovino grunted and slumped against the wall behind him. Gilbert was right. It was dumb to get upset about little things like this, especially right after they had been talking about much more important issues. Hopefully some of Gilbert's positive thinking would rub off on him so that he could stop sulking over every tiny thing that went wrong.

“Stop worrying about the stove. I'll take care of it tomorrow,” he said.

“It'll be harder to get off if you let it be.”

“I don't care. I didn't invite you here to scrub the kitchen.”

Just then, Giorgio poked his head into the room. “What do you guys want on your pizzas? I'm going to order them as soon as Feli has decided.”

“Anything is fine, but no olives,” Gilbert said.

“Are you kidding? They're the best!”

“Yuck!”

“You realise we put olive oil into pretty much everything right?” Lovino asked.

“That's different! It's okay when they're mixed into the food like that, but when I can see them there and feel them in my mouth, it's gross.”

“Tch, you sound like you're five.”

Giorgio scribbled down some quick notes. “Okay, so no olives for Gilbert. What do you want, Lovino?”

“I don't care. Anything with tomatoes. Lots of them.”

They ate in the living room and watched a talk show on TV. Giorgio left early because he was going to the movies with someone, and Feliciano got a call from Michela and retreated to his room after Lovino told him to stop blabbering stupid things where everyone could hear.

“I'm going to buy a new pot before I get to work tomorrow,” Lovino said.

“Call me during my lunch break, and I'll come with you,” Gilbert said.

“Sure.”

Lovino's grandfather yawned and stretched his arms above his head. “Wow, I sure am getting tired. I'll get to bed since I have to work early with Feli. Enjoy the couch, you two!”

For a while after he had gone upstairs, the only sound in the living room was the TV where two reality TV stars were arguing about who had cheated on whom.

“He had a point,” Gilbert finally said. “If it's just us using the couch now, we could sit a little closer. Or are you still cranky about the food?”

“No,” Lovino said and shifted towards him. He could never stay upset when he got to fill his stomach. All he wanted now was to be comfortable for a while. He figured closing the space between them would be enough for starters, but then Gilbert grabbed and pulled him up to him so that they were almost sitting on each other.

“Hehe, I've got you now!”

“What accomplishment is that? I'm not putting up much of a fight!”

“Doesn't matter. Even an easy victory counts.” Gilbert wrapped his arms tighter around him and leaned his chin against Lovino's shoulder. “And it's not as easy as you think. You'd be amazed if you knew how much effort I've been putting into this. I've been working super hard.”

Lovino's first reaction was to ask where that was supposed to show, but he didn't think Gilbert was in the mood for banter. Instead, he just lay in his arms and said nothing. It was more pleasant than fighting so soon dinner anyway.

“There was one thing that kind of sucked when I was in Berlin.”

“What's that?”

“You remember Ludi's new dog? He was in the photos.”

“Yeah, what about him?”

“He doesn't like me!”

Gilbert's voice was suddenly so pitiful that Lovino couldn't help but jump up and turn around to look at him.

“What?”

“When I got there, he treated me like a stranger! The other dogs remembered me, but I wasn't there when Ludi got Aster, so he thinks I'm not part of the family. That sucks!”

“Did he bite you or something?”

“No, never! Ludi trains his dogs like soldiers. But he didn't want to cuddle and play with me! He wouldn't even lick my face! He just sat there and watched me, like he thought I was going to grab the TV and make a run for it!”

“Sounds like the only kind of dog I can tolerate. I hate it when they jump all over me.”

“I like that the best,” Gilbert muttered with an unhappy pout. “And it made me wonder what else I'm going to miss. When Ludi and Kati get a baby, how can I be Uncle Gilbert if I'm not there? What if the kid cries when he sees me?”

“Hmph, some worry! I felt like crying when I first saw you, too, and look how much I like you now! And it's just a few hours to get there! Phones and the Internet exist! You won't miss anything.” 

Lovino could understand that Gilbert was sad, but he also knew that their relationship couldn't be if one of them wasn't ready to make the sacrifice of not playing a part in the daily life of their family. He could never do it; he'd never be happy in Germany. It had to be Gilbert who did this.

“If we get holidays at the same time, let's spend them all there,” he continued. That, and he'd have to work hard to make sure Gilbert was so happy in Italy that he'd never want to go back for good.

“Really? You promise?”

“Yeah! And we can do other stuff, too. Like, uh... Let me think.”

“Well, there's one thing that'd cheer me up a lot.”

“What?”

“If Aster won't lick my face and cuddle with me, what about you?”

“What? Was this whole thing just a set-up so that you could use that dumbass line on me?”

“No, but it'd still be great. Come on!”

“I'm not going to act like a dog for you! I'm not that into shit like that.”

“Then what about a kiss?”

Lovino glared at Gilbert, hoping that he'd see just how much he was annoying him. However, the grin on his face made it clear that even if he did, he was enjoying it. Any other time, it would have pissed Lovino off even more, but now he decided he a mischievous Gilbert was better than a sad Gilbert.

“Thank your luck I'm in a better mood now,” he said and leaned close to give him the kiss he wanted.

When they pulled apart, Gilbert stuck out his tongue at him.

“Oh, yuck! I forgot you ate all the olives on Feli's pizza!”

“Are you never satisfied, or is this is German clean-freak thing? Do I have to brush my teeth before we continue?”

Gilbert pursed his lips like he was considering it but then shook his head. “I guess I can live with it. Another kiss!”

Kissing Gilbert wasn't as perfect as Lovino had once fantasized, but his eagerness made up for his clumsiness. Somehow, Lovino had thought he'd be hesitant since there was so much worry bubbling beneath his happy demeanour, but he was just as enthusiastic and active as usual. His hands travelled up to Lovino's back to grab him, almost forcefully, and Lovino let out a pleased sigh at the feeling. Knowing that Gilbert wanted him was even better than the physical touch.

They didn't do much, simply explored each other now that they finally could. Lovino loved every tiny sound he could drag out of Gilbert and the way his kisses left his lips tingling and feeling swollen. He thought he couldn't be happier than this; he had his hands in Gilbert's hair, felt his breath on his face, his body against his, and every needy groan reminded him of how much he had wanted this.

He pressed his knee between Gilbert's legs, and the other spread them wider for him. It was difficult to fondle him when he was wearing jeans, but the pressure still pulled a sharper sound out of him, and his fingers dug deeper into Lovino's back.

“We shouldn't – ” Lovino started.

“Don't you dare tell me you want to stop now!”

“Let me finish! I mean, we should move. Feli could come downstairs any moment, and I don't want him to catch us. If you want more, we have to get to my room.” Lovino did his best to act like he didn't care whether they stopped or not, but he was mentally screaming at Gilbert to run upstairs like his life depended on it.

“Haha, right,” Gilbert said and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I kind of forgot anyone else was here.”

“So, what's it going to be? You want to go upstairs, or are we staying here and watching the rest of this dumb show?”

“I'll race you to your room! Last one there is a sucker!”

Gilbert shoved him off and jumped to his feet. Lovino huffed at his enthusiasm but followed right on his footsteps as he dashed up the stairs.


	35. Chapter 35

Lovino had tidied up his room a little in advance because he had been hoping he'd get Gilbert up there. It was all superficial, though – he had piled his clothes into an unidentifiable mess and shoved them into the closet and wiped only those surfaces that were clearly visible. He was too lazy to do more, but he felt he couldn't just leave everything in its natural state. Gilbert was German, and there was a chance he'd be turned off by a mess.

“Your bed is bigger than mine,” Gilbert said.

“I like having space. And you've seen it before, so stop ogling and get on it!”

“When have I – oh, right! I stayed here the night Antonio and Belle got married. I had almost forgotten about that.”

“No wonder. You were drunk off your ass.”

“Funny to think I'm back here as your boyfriend.” Gilbert sat down on the bed and hopped up and down to test it.

“Careful, you'll break it! It's ancient. But yeah, you totally freaked out when you woke up. I actually thought you'd never talk to me again after that. Not that it would have bothered me at the time.”

“I didn't freak out!”

“You did! You acted like being kissed by a guy was the worst thing ever!” Lovino stared down at Gilbert with a disapproving frown on his face, and the other could do nothing more but grin sheepishly at him. 

“At least I changed my mind. That's good, right? Didn't I just prove that kissing is okay now?”

Lovino sat down beside him with a huff. He didn't want to think back to how they had met and how much he had disliked Gilbert at first because he was sure it'd ruin the pleasant mood.

“You're going to have to do more than that to convince me.”

“I thought that's why we came up here?”

“Yeah, and I don't see you continuing where we left off!”

“Me? Why should I do all the work? You could make the first move, too.”

“I'm pretty sure I've been doing that more than you.” And that was something new for him since he was so used to others trying to win him over until he finally gave in.

“Then again,” he continued and shoved Gilbert down on the bed, “you blabber so much that if I waited for you to put your damn mouth to a better use, we'd still be sitting here and talking shit in the morning.”

He climbed to kneel between Gilbert's legs and leaned over him to kiss him before he could come up with a counter argument. Whatever Gilbert had been about to say turned into a moan at the back of his throat as Lovino guided his mouth open to deepen the kiss.

Gilbert's hands slid up Lovino's arms to his shoulders where they first fumbled with his neck and then moved onto his hair. His tugs were possessive and bordered on painful, but Lovino liked that. Some part of him had been afraid that Gilbert would be passive and insecure because then he wouldn't know how to proceed, but this was familiar and nice. Every pull of his hair, every nip at his lips and every little noise that left them travelled straight through him and made him feel warm and content.

And he wanted to share that and make sure Gilbert felt the same.

“Look,” he said and straightened his back to put some distance between them. “I have no idea what you had in mind when you got here, but, uh... I kind of want to do something, so if you have a problem with that, say it now or shut up!”

“I don't even know what it is you want to do. But hell, it could be the weirdest thing ever and right now I'd probably say yes anyway,” Gilbert said, out of breath and eyes dazed with arousal.

“I want to suck you off.”

Gilbert burst out laughing, and for a brief moment Lovino wanted to kick him off the bed.

“What the hell is so funny?”

“That's what you had in mind? You looked so nervous I thought you were going to suggest something really kinky!”

“Don't laugh at me! You should be glad I'm offering! If you don't stop, I'm taking it back!”

Gilbert covered his mouth with his hand so that Lovino wouldn't be able to see his grin. “Keep going. No objections here,” he said in a muffled voice.

“And it had better stay that way, or I'll bite.”

“Sure, I don't mind it rough – ouch! Hey!” Gilbert's words were cut off when Lovino unzipped his jeans and began to yank them down his thighs, not caring if he scraped his skin a little in the process. One of Gilbert's socks came off and flew to the floor with the jeans, but the other stayed where it was. Gilbert's underwear was soon tossed away, too.

Lovino enjoyed looking at Gilbert only in his T-shirt and with his lower body more exposed to him than ever. He was all his, and he'd make him so damn happy about it. He placed his hands on Gilbert's knees and pushed them apart so that he could reclaim his spot between them.

“Stunned into silence? I bet you've never seen anyone as impressive,” Gilbert said.

“Tch, don't delude yourself. You're average at best. And I bet I've seen more dicks than you have.”

Gilbert pouted. “No need to be so brutally honest. You could still say it's the biggest and best you've ever seen.”

“I guess I shouldn't be surprised that being worshipped is something that turns you on.”

“You'll do it?”

“No, that's stupid and embarrassing.” Verbally, at least. The mere idea of having to come up with cheesy praise for someone's cock made him want to hide his face under the covers. He couldn't do it, at least if he was sober. But he had other ways to show his appreciation.

He placed one of his hands on Gilbert's stomach, and that was enough to make him squirm. Lovino recalled how ticklish he had been with Feliciano but chased the thought away. Gilbert was already half-hard from their kissing and grinding, and he didn't want to ruin that.

“Wait,” Gilbert said when Lovino was about to grab his length. “What if someone hears us?”

“You're just going to have to be quiet.” Gilbert and silence were a combination he couldn't really see working, but as long as he didn't scream his lungs out, it couldn't be that bad. There had been a time when Lovino had been so self-conscious about having sex in his room when anyone from his family was around that he'd had trouble getting it up, but the embarrassment and discomfort were now on a level he could tolerate.

He wrapped his fingers around Gilbert's member and gave it a tentative squeeze, enjoying the warmth in his hand and how Gilbert held his breath and waited. Hell, he hoped he wasn't expecting some unbelievable performance because Lovino hated the thought he'd let him down on their first try. To avoid having to look at him, he lowered his head and brought his tongue down to the tip of Gilbert's cock.

He licked around the head a couple of times, ready to move up the length, when he noticed that he was getting no reaction out of Gilbert. Irritated, he looked up to see what the idiot was doing and found him clenching his jaw with his eyes closed.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I'm being quiet. Don't worry, I bet I can make it all the way through without letting out a sound.”

“Cut it out, or I'll stop here. I didn't mean it like that. How am I supposed to know what you like and what you don't if you won't let me know? Your dick can't talk in your place!”

“In a way, it –”

“Final warning!”

“I liked that! Keep going! Sheesh, I thought you'd want to make sure nobody finds out.”

Lovino had the sudden thought that maybe Gilbert was more worried about that than he was, but he decided not to mention it. He had vast experience in what it felt like to be nervous, so he knew drawing attention to the fact would only make it worse.

He gave Gilbert a long glare to make sure he knew it was serious this time and lowered his head once more. He resumed using his tongue to caress Gilbert's length, this time paying attention to all of it and not just the tip. He took it slow and gentle because he wanted to make it last, but also because he wanted to savour every moment of their first time – Gilbert's scent, the sound of his fastening breathing that he was no longer trying to control, how his thighs jerked when Lovino gave his balls a squeeze.

“Don't tease me! Just do it.”

Lovino wanted to say that if Gilbert thought this counted at teasing, he had the patience of a three-year-old. But his mouth was busy, and he wanted to forget about everything except the task of making sure Gilbert enjoyed this. He gave him a few more long licks before taking him inside, slowly taking in as much as he could and getting used to the feeling of having his mouth full.

Gilbert let out a restrained moan and shifted on the bed, lifting his head off the pillow to look at him. Lovino immediately averted his eyes; he didn't like it when people watched him when he was doing this.

He grunted when Gilbert moved some more to sit up and his length was pushed deeper into Lovino's throat, nearly to the point where he might gag. That was all the complaining he was going to do, though, as some part of him enjoyed being overwhelmed, having almost too much to handle. He tried to breathe regularly through his nose as he moved up and down the cock in his mouth, everything but the wet hotness, the growing ache on his lips and the ragged gasps every movement of his tongue tore from Gilbert.

Most of the people he had dated had acted like sucking someone off was a chore, something that wasn't pleasant and that they only did in hopes of getting it reciprocated. It had always made Lovino a little embarrassed by how much he liked it. It turned him on when he could do something to please his partner, and when Gilbert reached to claw at his shoulders and mumbled his name, he let out an appreciative moan.

He could sense when Gilbert was approaching the edge from the way his body tightened and his voice rose in pitch until he was once again gritting his teeth in an effort not to make too much noise. Lovino took it as his cue to pull back until he only had the tip in his mouth and used his hands to give Gilbert the final push that plunged him into his orgasm and forced a sharp cry from his throat.

Lovino swallowed as swiftly as he could because he knew from experience he'd gag and spit it out otherwise. He wiped at his sore lips with the back of his hand as he straightened his form and looked at Gilbert who was back to lying on his back, still breathing hard and his face flushed like he had run a marathon.

“Nhh,” Gilbet said and reached for him when Lovino leaned over him to open the drawer by the bed. “Come over here.”

“Cut it out,” Lovino grumbled and swatted Gilbert's hands away, which earned him a disappointed whine.

“What are you doing?” Gilbert asked as Lovino rummaged around the drawer.

“I've got some mints here. Like I want to taste you for the rest of the night. Yuck.”

Lovino barely had the chance to pop a mint into his mouth before Gilbert caught him again and pulled him to his side on the bed. After a some minimal effort in putting up resistance, Lovino let himself relax against the pillows and barely grimaced as Gilbert nuzzled up against him.

“Fuck, I had no idea you were this clingy after sex,” he said.

“Speaking of that...” Gilbert lifted himself up and poked at Lovino's leg with his toe. “I should probably pay you back for that, right?”

That would be nice, but Lovino didn't want to be pushy in case Gilbert had any hung-ups about this. Maybe they should take it slow since Gilbert hadn't done it before.

“Only if you want and –”

“Awesome! Here we go!”

And Gilbert was already up, eagerly fiddling with Lovino's trousers and then yanking them down so fast they were almost off by the time Lovino realised what was happening. Gilbert placed his hands on Lovino's knees and leaned on them, grinning at him with the kind of confidence that if Lovino hadn't known better, he would have thought Gilbert was a veteran at this.

“You had better be prepared. This is going to be really good.”

Lovino didn't want to discourage him, so he simply rolled his eyes and lifted his butt to help Gilbert pull off his underwear. Sucking Gilbert had got him excited, so he was already on his way to hard and ready to go.

“Hehe, you've got a cute dick,” Gilbert said and poked his finger at it experimentally.

“Stop!” Lovino cried and closed his legs. “Don't look at it!”

“Then how am I going to do anything to it?”

Lovino briefly considered forbidding Gilbert from ever touching or looking at his dick if he was going to be so embarrassing about it, but he figured this was what he should have expected all along. It was his just punishment for falling for such a dork.

“At least don't talk about it. Otherwise I'm going back downstairs to watch TV and eat pizza leftovers.”

“You wouldn't dare!”

Gilbert pushed Lovino's knees apart once more with such force that he let out a yelp of surprise and pain. Then both of Gilbert's hands were down on him, rougher than he had expected, and he bit back a complaint because even if that wasn't how he usually liked it, it was still Gilbert. He wanted it to feel like _him._

Lovino held his breath as Gilbert took him into his mouth, only the head for now, and gave him a cautious lick, like he was testing the grounds to make sure it was safe to advance. He seemed satisfied by his exploration because he kept going and accepted more of him inside. It was warm and wet, and Gilbert's tongue was like his hands, rough and strong.

And then –

“Ow! Hey, stop!” 

Gilbert retreated and let go of him, using the opportunity to wipe his mouth. “What?”

“Don't bite me!”

“I didn't!”

“You did! Don't use your teeth. Wrap your lips around them.”

Gilbert huffed. “You're being picky. Most people would be thrilled to be where you are right now, and you just complain.”

“I'm telling you what I want! If I were complaining, I would have kicked you out of bed already.”

“That's crap,” Gilbert said, but he reached for Lovino's cock again. For a while, Lovino had been sure he'd throw a fit over being criticized and call it quits, but he supposed giving up just wasn't something Gilbert would do that easily.

Gilbert took his advice, and this time Lovino had no reason to interrupt him. His licks were a little clumsy, and he didn't use his hands as much as he could have, but he was eager and happy to do this, and that was all that Lovino cared about. He closed his eyes and grunted when Gilbert gave him the first real suck, and he resisted the urge to thrust into his mouth since he didn't know how much Gilbert was comfortable with.

He let himself be a little louder to make sure Gilbert knew he liked what he was doing and dug his fingers into the mattress. A warm, firm lick drew Gilbert's name from his throat, and that seemed to encourage him even further because he picked up his pace and finally realised that he could use his hands to grab Lovino's balls while he sucked.

Lovino shuddered and felt need pool in his groin with every moist caress of Gilbert's tongue and lips. He could barely register anything but the pleasure and the other's quiet grunts and wet sounds of going down on him. He sucked in a sharp breath and curled his toes as he felt his body grow taut, and then he was on the peak of his climax and had to cover his mouth to muffle his moan.

Gilbert grinned at him from between his spread knees. “Heh, how was that?” He crawled over so that he was lying on Lovino's stomach.

“Give me a moment here before you start bugging me again.”

“That good, huh? Yeah, I bet that was the best ever.”

“I don't give people points in bed.”

“Like hell you don't. I bet you remember everyone's stupid quirks and mistakes and all the times they farted in action and throw it at their faces when you're mad!” Gilbert rolled over to his side with a content sigh. “But I never make any mistakes, so I'm not worried about that.”

“I already have all the ammunition I need if I want to insult you, so I don't need to add our sex life to it,” Lovino said. Normally, he found Gilbert's ego annoying, but now he was glad he wasn't lacking in confidence. It made him feel like this was going to work out.

Gilbert licked his teeth experimentally. “Huh, you were right. This taste is weird. You still have some mints?”

“Sure, help yourself.”

Gilbert reached over him to rummage around the drawer until he found what he was looking for. He popped a mint into his mouth but made no move of getting back to his side of the bed. His weight wasn't unbearable, so Lovino let him stay there and suckle on his pastille.

“What?” he asked when the silence had last for a while. It was unnatural for Gilbert to be that quiet.

“I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“I sucked dick. There's no going back now.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I didn't say it like it's a bad thing! I just figure that since I did it and liked it, I can't really call myself straight anymore. Right?”

“I don't give a shit what you call yourself. Do we have to talk about this now? I want to sleep.”

“Sleep? What the hell?” Gilbert sat up like he'd been given an electric shock. “Are you already out of juice? What about round two?”

“There won't be one tonight. We both have work tomorrow.” Lovino reached for the covers and grimaced as he realised they should have put some towels on the bed to avoid getting their saliva all over the bedclothes. Well, he'd slept in worse, he figured and pulled the covers over himself.

“We have work almost every day! Is this all I'm going to be getting out of you?” Gilbert grabbed his shoulder and began to shake it. “Hey, come on! I need to catch up on all this stuff! Do you want to stop me from blossoming into the most awesome boyfriend in the world?”

“What I want right now is for you to shut up.”

Gilbert blew a raspberry at him.

“You don't even have to work morning shift, so what are you complaining about? Are you one of those people who turn a cold shoulder once their urges have been satisfied?” he asked.

“Ugh, you're impossible! I've had a rough week. Can't you just let me enjoy this feeling and sleep? I'm not a fucking Duracell Bunny!” Lovino supposed it wouldn't have been out of the question to do something more, but he just didn't feel like it. Sex made him sleepy, and all he wanted was to bask in the nice, content feeling all over him.

“If you were, then I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you. You'd be so cute.”

“First dogs, now this? If you're into bestiality, I wish you had told me before we got together!”

“I told you I'm not!”

“You also said you aren't into guys, and look what happened!”

“You suck!” Gilbert dug his way under the covers as well and huffed. He was pouting in irritation, and Lovino couldn't help but think he looked like an overgrown kid.

“You're dumb,” he muttered and shifted slightly so that their bodies fit together better. “I have Sunday off, so I'll come over to your place on Saturday. We can do whatever you want.”

“Anything?”

“Nothing weird!”

“I'll think of something great. But I still want an appetizer now!”

Lovino yelped when he felt Gilbert's hands reach for him under the covers and how he flung one arm over him. There'd never been so much skin contact with them before, and somehow Lovino thought this was more intimate than what they'd done before – he felt a hot flush spread on his cheeks and suddenly wanted to hide his face in his pillow, and it was so stupid because he'd just been sucking Gilbert's dick, so why would this have such a reaction on him?

Gilbert must have noticed because he chuckled and gave Lovino's nose a poke with his finger. Lovino liked to think that without the content, sleepy warmth all over his body, he would have tried to bite it off.

“You're damn lucky I'm always in a good mood after sex,” he muttered and huddled closer.

“Yeah? You sure it's not just because that was the best sex ever?”

Lovino could have said that it had been far from the best but that he didn't care because he had done it with him, but he was pretty sure Gilbert would have taken it the wrong way, and spewing such romantic mush wasn't really his thing anyway. So, he just snorted into the pillow and draped his arm over Gilbert's back so that they could sleep closer and hoped that the other got the message.

***

When Lovino woke up, it was half nine, and he was alone in bed. He rolled over groggily so that he was lying on his stomach and with his head buried in the pillow Gilbert had been using. He had no memory of Gilbert getting up and leaving for work, and he couldn't decide if he was glad or upset he hadn't tried to wake him up.

He spent a few more moments just lying in bed and enjoying the knowledge that he didn't have to get up if he didn't want to. But after a while, the need for coffee and the toilet grew so strong that he had no choice but to force himself up and start getting downstairs.

Lovino was almost done with his coffee when Feliciano stumbled into the kitchen, naked and rubbing his face with both of his hands.

“Did you make enough coffee for me?” he asked.

“How was I supposed to know when you'd get up? Make your own coffee.”

“You're mean! You should be feeling nicer after Gilbert spent the night here.”

Feliciano pouted as he walked to the fridge, but his expression brightened as soon as he had opened it. “Lovino, look! Gilbert made a you a sandwich!”

“What?”

Feliciano took a plate from the fridge and placed it on the table. There was indeed a sandwich on it, complete with cheese and ham and tomatoes. On top of it, there was a little folded note with a drawing of a bird wishing him a good morning.

“That's really dumb,” Lovino said.

“I think it's cute. But if you don't want it –”

“Hands off! I'll have it for lunch.”

“You're so lucky. Michela never makes me breakfast, except sometimes she slices fruit and then we eat it in bed. She can't really make anything more complicated than that.”

Lovino doubted Gilbert was much better, but he was pretty sure it shouldn't be possible to mess up a sandwich as long as the ingredients were fine. But even if it tasted like shit, he knew he'd still eat it because he could imagine Gilbert bouncing on him like a puppy and asking him if he had liked it.

He spent the rest of the morning loitering about the house and wondering if he should change his sheets. In the end, he decided they weren't dirty enough to bother him, so he figured he'd save his energy for later when he went shopping for a new pot with Gilbert. Besides, it was always possible that the sheets would see more action soon, and then he'd have to change them again anyway.


	36. Chapter 36

Gilbert was able to have his lunch break around the time Lovino wanted to go shopping, so they met at the closest mall that had a kitchenware store. For once, Lovino was the first to arrive and spent a few minutes loitering about the fountain on the first floor before Gilbert showed up.

“Hey! There you are!”

Gilbert waved at him from the eastern entrance long before he reached him. Lovino did his best to look casual; he didn't know which got under his skin more – the fact that Gilbert was yelling like that or that he was wearing his work clothes.

“I can see you. You don't have to let the whole mall hear.”

“Pfft, like it matters. Everyone would be paying attention to you anyway since you're with me.”

Normally, Lovino would have said it was only because everyone would be wondering what he was doing with a loser like him, but this time he had to admit it was Gilbert who was dressed better. The dark suit and tie with the lighter shirt made him appear almost colourless, but somehow, that was a good look on him. The only thing Lovino wanted to change was his hair because when it was sliced back like that, it reminded him of Ludwig.

“Why didn't you wake me up before you left?” he asked. “I could have made you breakfast.”

“I tried, but you kicked me.”

“What? No, I didn't!”

“Yeah, you did. You almost gave me a broken rib. Now I know not to bother you when you're asleep!”

“That's... that's fucking dumb! Nobody else has ever complained about that! Except Feli, and he doesn't count. He's always saying shitty things about me.”

“Maybe they thought you'd kick them again. And I don't know about the others, but Heracles never came off as very confrontational, so maybe he just didn't care enough to mention it.”

Or he hadn't even noticed since he had been asleep, too, and had rarely woken up before him. But Lovino didn't say that because he had come here to buy a new pot and not talk about his ex.

“It's not my fault. I was just fast asleep because your snoring kept me awake so long that I got really tired,” he said.

“You were the first to fall asleep!”

“Yeah, and then I woke up again after you turned on the lawnmower by my ear!”

“You said nothing about that after the first night.”

“I just didn't want to start this relationship by complaining. Besides, I already yelled at you about that when we were staying at the beach house, so I figured you already knew. I didn't realise you had such a lousy memory.”

Gilbert laughed and placed his hands on his hips.“Bullshit, you're just feeling guilty you kicked your awesome – I mean, me, and now you're having a hard time coming up with a way to say you're sorry! Don't worry, I can give you ideas. You can start by treating me to lunch after we're done.”

“If we keep talking shit here, your lunch break will be over before we've even made it to the store.”

Somehow, they were able to stop wasting their time long enough to find the right store and spend a moment browsing the kitchenware section. Finding a suitable pot wasn't hard as the only requirement Lovino had was that it should be so big he could cook comfortably if guests were coming over.

“Wouldn't this be better? I've seen it on TV,” Gilbert said and showed him another pot.

“Yeah, but have you seen the price tag? If I got that, I wouldn't have any money left to buy anything to cook for the next two weeks.”

“Huh?” Gilbert turned the pot around in his hands until he found the price sticker. “Shit, who pays this much? Does it turn pasta into gold or what?”

“Idiot. Brand name products are expensive.”

Gilbert put the pot back, but he kept staring at it, even when they began to walk away. Lovino had to grab his arm to stop him from walking into a knife display.

“What's your problem?”

“I'm just thinking. How do you feel about domestic presents? Since it's almost Christmas and stuff. Not that I'm going to buy you that super expensive pot or anything since you just got that one, but just in case! This one time I didn't know what to get Erzsébet for her birthday, so I bought her a frying pan, and she called me a dick and said you shouldn't get stuff like that for girls. What's your stance?”

“I'm not a girl, but –“

“Yeah, I noticed!”

“Get me any generic pot like this that you can find for ten euros, and I'll see which is harder, that or your skull. But if you actually put in some effort and find out what kind of pot I'd like and get that one, whatever. Could be worse. I don't really give a damn about presents.”

“Really? I love them! I can't decide which is more fun, getting them or giving them!”

Lovino thought about the miniature car he had hidden in his closet. He was pretty sure Gilbert would like it since he was the kind of guy who got excited about useless junk. A gift would have to be pretty shitty to disappoint him.

“You're coming over for Christmas, right? We're having a big dinner,” he said.

“Sure! Who's going to be there?”

“Probably just us. Grandma's sisters and their families might drop by. Grandpa has no siblings, and we don't really keep in touch with dad's side of the family.”

“Oh. Right.”

Lovino knew his grandfather hoped every year that his daughter would show up. He always sent a card to the address she had given him the last time they had been in contact, but they had never got one back. That was how Lovino preferred it; for as long as she didn't reach out to them, he could just go on ignoring the whole matter without having to decide how he felt about it.

They had lunch at a small diner that served cheap pasta. It was crowded at that time of the day, so there were no free tables left. A couple who had one to themselves invited them over because they were almost done, so they shared it for the first ten minutes of their meal.

It was subtle, but Lovino noticed the change in Gilbert right away. He babbled like he had no care in the world, but the topics were suddenly of no importance – what he thought of the food, what he wanted to watch on TV in the evening, even the fucking weather. When Lovino tried to talk about Christmas again, his answers were vague and dismissive.

It wasn't hard to guess what was going on. Lovino stopped talking and focused on his food until the couple left, holding hands as they manoeuvred through the busy diner and disappeared out the door.

“I guess we won't do that when we leave,” he said and shoved a forkful of pasta into his mouth. 

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Hmph, you know what. Just now, you were making sure it would never even cross anyone's mind that we're together.”

At least Gilbert had the sense to look a little embarrassed, though it didn't do much to soothe Lovino's irritation. It wasn't that he wanted to make out in public or anything, but it would have been nice to act like a normal couple when they went out.

“Sorry, it's just a little weird,” Gilbert said, and the fact that he could bring himself to admit that told Lovino how uncomfortable he was. If it hadn't been a problem to him, he would have stood up and yelled at the entire diner that he was with a guy who had the best boyfriend in the world. To see him act this reserved was strange.

“Whatever. It doesn't matter.” As much as it annoyed him, Lovino knew he had no right to be mad at him. He'd been even worse before he had built up enough confidence not to hide who he was, and he was sure it wouldn't have happened if his first boyfriend had yelled at him about it. Besides, if he knew Gilbert at all, he'd eventually be the stronger one out of them. He just had some catching up to do.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, don't worry about it.”

Gilbert didn't look convinced, and Lovino wondered what he could do to assure him. Any displays of affection would probably be counter-productive in this case, and he wasn't very good at them anyway. 

“I mean it. Stop being dumb,” he grumbled and poked at Gilbert's hand with his fork. “If you have time, drop by when we're closing and I'll treat you to gelato.”

“Hehe, I guess that's one of the perks of this. I get to have all the free gelato I want!”

“No, you don't! You pay like everyone else! I'm just returning the favour since you made me a sandwich today.”

“Right, how was it? The best ever, huh?”

“Tch. I wouldn't be paying you back if it had sucked.”

Gilbert's lunch break wasn't long, so he had to leave before it was time for Lovino to get to work. He didn't feel like going home just to drop off the new pot, so he took it with him and went to the shop early to kill some time. His grandfather and Giorgio had the first shift, and he wanted to know if either had talked to Gilbert in the morning.

When he got there, he saw his grandfather talking with Antonio who was sitting by the counter. Both of them noticed him right away and waved at him as he entered.

“There you are! I've been waiting for you!” Antonio said.

“Then why didn't you call?”

“Your grandpa told me you were out with Gilbert, and I didn't want to bother you.”

Lovino grunted in acknowledgement as he walked behind the counter to put the pot away. Antonio's eyes followed him, and he felt the momentary temptation to duck out of sight. He'd already told his friends he was with Gilbert, but that made it no less awkward to face them.

“Strange how they just got together like that, huh?” Giorgio noted from the side. “I wasn't expecting it at all.”

“Me neither. Come on, why didn't you ever tell me you were into him?” Antonio asked.

“How the hell would that have worked? You're his friend!”

“So are you. I could have tried to set you up. Funny, though, that I had no idea Gilbert liked guys. I guess it just never came up.” 

Antonio's smile never once wavered, and that made Lovino feel a little more confident in himself.

“So you're okay with this?”

“Yeah, why not?”

Lovino let out an exasperated sigh. “What if we break up? That would to drop a truckload of shit on you guys since we're all friends with each other.”

“You just got together two days ago, and you're already worried about breaking up? You need to be more positive. Otherwise it'll be a bad omen for you two. Come here.” Antonio gestured with his hands until Lovino gave in and walked over to him. Once there, Antonio made him turn his back to him and then started pounding his shoulder blades with his fists.

“The fuck are you doing?”

“Helping you relax. You should take it easier.”

“Look who's talking! You're still working that job with shit hours. You don't need to worry about anyone else with the stuff you've got going on.” But Antonio had always been like that, so Lovino didn't expect him to change. Maybe sticking his nose into other people's lives was something that made it easier for him to deal with the things he couldn't control in his own.

“Maybe I could start a massage salon. It shouldn't be that difficult to get a licence,” Antonio said.

“I guess it couldn't be worse than the job you have now.”

“That's actually where I got the idea. My boss's wife slipped me a note and asked if I'd do it for her.”

“I hope you didn't go see her because you're going to be out of a job soon if you did.”

“Nah, I know what she really wanted. But it's still a good idea, right? You think women would come if I opened a salon?”

“Why the hell are you asking me? I'm not a woman!”

“Yeah, but you like guys. If I had a massage salon, would you come there?”

“No, don't be dumb! Who the hell chooses their masseur based on looks?”

“Doesn't everyone do that?”

“Doesn't matter! And what would Belle think if you spent the whole day rubbing other people's bodies?”

“I don't think she'd mind. A job is a job.”

Yeah, Lovino supposed Antonio had a point. Belle had never struck him as the jealous type. She'd be amused to discover that a customer had a crush on Antonio. Hell, she'd probably suggest to him to give his salon an erotic touch just to attract more people.

“I think this idea is dumb,” he said.

“Right now, it's my only back-up plan. I mean, if my boss's wife gets upset I didn't show up and makes him fire me, I need something quick. And I figure I want my next job to be something more fun. You just told me I should look more after myself.”

“Fuck you, did you just plan this whole conversation so that I would have no choice but to agree with your stupid erotic massage salon plans?”

“Haha, being so suspicious can't be good for your blood pressure. But back to Gilbert. We should all go out and celebrate!”

Lovino hummed in agreement but tried to come up with a way to slow Antonio down. If Gilbert had had trouble acknowledging their relationship in public, he probably wouldn't want to go all-out and announce it to everyone at their favourite bar. Even if he told Antonio that, he might not get it.

“I asked him to drop by after we close. If you have time, you could all come over,” he suggested. “I mean, if you're going through with your salon plans, you're going to need every cent you have. Better not waste them by going out to some expensive as shit place.”

“Yeah, I guess that works, too. I'll bring some wine.”

Antonio had the day off because he had to work all through Christmas, so he could show up and spend the whole night with them if he wanted to. He promised he'd call the others and get as many of them to come as possible. 

He was in such a pleasant mood that it rubbed off on Lovino, too. More than anything right now, he wanted Gilbert to feel comfortable and happy, and maybe this was one small step into that direction.

***

Lovino didn't want to surprise Gilbert, so he sent him a message that the others would be coming. It crossed his mind that maybe he would be annoyed by his mothering, so he disguised his concern as an order to grab something to eat on the way since there'd be more people than just the two of them.

They could celebrate Christmas while they were at it. He doubted they'd find any other evening until January when they'd all be able to spend time together.

Lovino was in the middle of scooping leftover gelato into foam containers when Gilbert arrived. He was the first, partly because Lovino had given him an earlier time and because the others were late as usual.

“Hey, there you –” he started, but then his eyes were drawn to the boxes Gilbert was carrying. “There had better not be pizza in those.”

“Uh...” Gilbert looked at him and then at the boxes. “You should have specified that pizza wasn't okay!”

“This is the third day in a row! I thought it was obvious!”

“I lived on frozen pizza for a month once. That was getting pretty close to my limit, but this is nothing.”

Gilbert put the boxes on the counter and took in a deep breath. “Okay, I'm ready. Give me a briefing. How worried do I have to be?”

“About what?”

“About Antonio.”

“Have you done something to piss him off? He seemed okay earlier.”

Gilbert laughed. “No, I mean, he's fine with this, right? Or is he going to be mad at me that I never told him anything? Not that I'm overly worried, but he treats you like a kid brother sometimes, and I'd be a little miffed if Ludi had some drama going on with a chick and never told me until it was all settled.”

“It's none of his business whom I date. If Grandpa didn't give you any trouble, neither will he.”

“Yeah, but that's a little different. I'm not friends with your grandpa like I'm with Antonio.”

Oh, so that was what this was about. He should have guessed. Lovino resisted the urge to roll his eyes and closed the last foam box with a snap.

“He's not mad at you because you didn't tell him you like guys.”

“A lot of people would be! It's basically lying.”

“He won't think that. I told you, right? Anyone I'm friends with is going to be okay because I have a low tolerance for bullshit. They've passed my test.” Lovino glanced at the door to the back to make sure Feliciano couldn't see them and closed the distance between them to give Gilbert a quick peck on the lips.

“To make you stop being stupid,” he clarified before Gilbert could say a word. “Yeah, I know you're feeling weird about this, and it's not like I can know how every single person in the world is going to react. If you're unlucky, someone you care about is going to turn out to be an asshole, but let's take count here. We've already got Ludwig and my friends and family on our side, so it could be worse.”

“Yeah! I guess I can think of it as a strategic invasion. One by one, I'm going to turn every person in my life into our fan and deport those who put up a resistance!”

“Good, so that means no more whining tonight, okay? You're annoying enough when you're being yourself, but I can't stand you when you get so depressed.”

Gilbert pouted at him. “You make it sound like you'll dump me.”

“No, stupid. It means I'd have to start thinking of ways to cheer you up, and that's a lot of work.”

“If you give me another kiss, I promise I'll walk on clouds for the rest of the night!”

Lovino made a face and let out an irritated snort, but he slid his hands on Gilbert's waist and let him stand close. He knew the dumbass would never admit it when he wanted comfort or encouragement, so it was up to him to provide it anyway.

The door to the back was opened with a bang, and Feliciano danced out with a bucket and a mop.

“Oh, hey, Gilbert,” he said as he made his way past them. “If you want to make out, you can go to the back. I'm done there.”

“We aren't making out!” Lovino snapped, but he took not one step away from Gilbert. Being touchy-feely when they had an audience was like pulling teeth, but he'd be the biggest hypocrite in the world if he let go as soon as someone showed up.

“You should probably put all that gelato away before it melts,” Gilbert said. It was like he was reading his mind to give him an easy excuse.

“Shit!” Lovino bolted away from Gilbert and grabbed as many of the containers as he could. “You get the rest!” he called out as he struggled to open the door to the back where the freezer was.

Antonio and Belle showed up first, almost as soon as they had put the gelato away. Gilbert's earlier nervousness had vanished, or at least he was very good at hiding it. He was grinning from ear to ear when he went to pat Antonio on the back and said he was sorry for not having come to see him since his return from Berlin.

“But I know you must have missed me like crazy, so I'll make it up to you!”

“Actually, it has been pretty calm and relaxing.”

“Yeah, and I'm here to bring some excitement into everyone's lives again! I bet you can't wait!”

“I guess we don't have to worry about life being boring. Anyway, you and Lovi got together? You should have told me you were interested, and I could have helped you. I know his favourite movies.”

“No, no!” Gilbert said at once. “I'm an adult! I don't need help with my relationships!”

Lovino let Gilbert and Antonio distract each other for a moment and turned to look at Belle. She was smiling at him with a knowing look in her eyes. She was clever; she had no doubt figured out that Lovino had been talking about Gilbert when he had confessed to her that his relationship with Heracles wasn't going so well. Maybe she had known it all along.

“I told you everything was going to be fine,” she whispered to him while the others were busy. “Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. I don't think Antonio would take it well that you talked to me and not him.”

“Thanks. And not just for that. You know...”

Belle giggled and patted his shoulder. “I didn't do anything. You caught him all on your own.”

Yeah, and he was going to keep him. He'd avoid all his past mistakes and not let this one end up in misery. He'd been through so much shit that surely it was finally his time to be happy for good.

“The pizzas are getting cold,” Feliciano announced. “I want to grab a slice before I go, so I'll get started.”

It was one of the nicest evenings Lovino could remember, even if he was getting tired of having pizza. Francis showed up a little after Feliciano had left, and while Lovino normally found him a little annoying, he appreciated the way he distracted Antonio when he was about to say something stupid about Gilbert's new-found interest in men.

After some more explaining, nobody brought up their relationship anymore. Everything was normal; they talked about the things they usually did – Francis complained how they had better wine in France, Antonio wanted to know the others' opinion on his massage service idea, and Lovino had to tell him again that it was dumb. Gilbert and Belle talked about Berlin, and Lovino felt a little silly for not having realised how much they had in common since they had both chosen to stay in Italy.

Later, as they were all leaving, he lingered behind with Gilbert even though they had to go to different directions.

“See? There was nothing to worry about,” he said with a dismissive huff. “You just made a big fuss over nothing.”

“Hey, I always think big! You can't expect me to tone myself down!” Gilbert's voice was loud and happy and relieved, and Lovino gave him a weak excuse of a shove to the shoulder.

“Dumbass.”

“That's two rounds out of four that we've won.”

“What?”

“I mean, your family and our friends. What's left are my friends at work, and then my family. I guess that's the best way to approach things.”

“You sure?” Family was a double-edged sword in Lovino's opinion. Their acceptance brought the greatest security, but it also hurt a thousand times more if they rejected you. He'd come out to his family first, figuring that if they didn't accept him, what the hell did anyone else even matter? 

“Just don't do anything dumb,” he said. Gilbert's nervousness was quickly turning into over-confidence, and he didn't want that to bite him in the butt.


	37. Chapter 37

Christmas arrived before Lovino was ready, like it did every year, and left him struggling under the weight of preparing the massive dinner they traditionally had on the 24th. He had to roast the fish and prepare the ingredients for the penne and sauce so that he could cook them quickly right before it was time to eat. There had to be salads, eggplant caponata and cookies – and that was just for one day. On Christmas Day, they'd have lamb and potatoes and so much more.

It had been fun to cook all of it when his grandmother had been there. They had worked in perfect sync and hadn't let anyone else as much as step in through the kitchen door. Now, it was too much work for him all by himself. Hee knew it, but he still refused to ask for help, even if he secretly wanted it.

“I said I don't need help!” he snapped when he heard footsteps get close.

“And I'm not offering! I'm here to grab something to drink! Or do you think nobody needs to use the kitchen until tomorrow?”

Oh. It was Gilbert, not Feliciano. But that made little difference to Lovino since he was stressed out and tired and didn't want to deal with anyone. Hell, Gilbert would probably just distract him, and he'd destroy another pot and burn the salmon, and then Christmas would be ruined.

“Who said you can just take whatever you want like you fucking live here?”

“You.”

Right. Fuck. There went his convenient excuse to yell at someone.

“Yeah, well, you still shouldn't bother me. Why are you even here? You know I'm cooking all day.”

“Maybe I just want to see you be all domestic! I like it!”

Lovino didn't think there was anything to like about sweating in the heat of the oven or having his hands smell of onion and fish. But maybe Gilbert was into that. He had many disgusting habits, like putting leftover pasta in the fridge and eating it later.

“You're bugging me. Go away.”

“Hey, a little more holiday spirit here! I only have today and tomorrow off, and then I have to work like a slave to make up for the trip to Berlin. You should have a break and let Feli take over for a while. Or is he so bad he'll mess it up?”

“No,” Lovino admitted reluctantly. “He's okay. But I used to do this with Grandma, and now it's my job. She did it alone for years when we were kids, and so can I. What would she think of me otherwise?”

“Pfft, she'd probably smack you for being such a drama queen. She accepted your help when you were old enough, so why shouldn't you do the same with Feli? I bet she'd love to see you do something together. I'd be shovelling snow off the pavement in front of my parents' house with Ludi if I was home right now.”

“Are you trying to guilt me into letting him help?”

“No! Come on, the food is going to be fine on its own for a while. Come and look at the decorations we put up.”

“What decorations? We finished with that days ago.”

“I brought some stuff from Berlin and wanted to surprise you with it.”

Gilbert grabbed his wrist and led him out of the kitchen before he could begin to object. He decided that if Gilbert had put up a mistletoe, he'd run straight back and not come out until New Year's Eve, but thankfully it was nothing quite that tacky. Just almost. There was a large, heart-shaped Christmas cookie hanging from the ceiling. Something was written on it in white, but it was in German, and Lovino couldn't even begin to guess what it meant.

“Hooray! You got him out of the kitchen!” Feliciano jumped up from the sofa and gave Gilbert a high-five. “I'll keep an eye on the food. Tie him to the chair if he tries to follow me.”

“What's this?” Lovino asked and pointed at the cookie.

“I bought it at the Christmas market in Berlin. Cute, huh?”

“Yeah, but what does it say?” Lovino prodded at the cookie with his finger, like it would somehow make the gibberish understandable. _Du bist mein Schätzchen._ He wasn't even going to try to pronounce that or Gilbert would laugh at him.

“That's just Merry Christmas in German! Nothing more!”

“Well, I guess it's pretty enough,” Lovino said. If Gilbert had dragged that thing over from abroad, it had to mean something to him, so he shouldn't be nasty about it.

“Yeah, and now you're going to sit down and admire it. You've been working all day, so relax.” Gilbert took the heart form the wall and shoved it into Lovino's hands “Take it to your room later. I stole a look, and there were no decorations there.”

“If I put something there, I'll have to take it down later. It's too much trouble,” Lovino said, but he decided to humour him. It was just one tiny thing, after all.

Gilbert pushed him down on the couch and took a seat by his side. He draped his arm over Lovino's shoulder and let him lean against him. Lovino was exhausted, and getting to rest against Gilbert was all he wanted at the moment. Like this, it was tempting to forget all of his earlier words and let Feliciano do the rest...

Their peace was interrupted when Gilbert's phone started ringing, blasting a rock song that made Lovino want to cover his ears.

“It's Ludi,” Gilbert as he took out the phone. He stared at the phone like he wasn't sure what to do.

“Well, answer.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, dammit! It's not like we're in the middle of a date or something.”

“Just checking to be sure,” Gilbert said with a chuckle and took the call. For the next few moments, he babbled in German, and all Lovino could do was try to read the emotions on his face and voice. Maybe he should try to pick up some German, just enough to carry a short conversation. Gilbert's family might like him better if he could say hello to them in their own language when he went to visit.

Whatever the two were talking about, it made Gilbert go from happy to surprised to excited. After the call was over, he turned to Lovino with a big grin on his face.

“Guess what!”

“What?”

“Ludi and Kati were going to get married next summer, right? Change of plans!”

“Don't tell me they broke up.”

“Of course they didn't! But someone else did and cancelled their reservation at the church where they want to get married, and they were offered the chance to take that date. It's pretty soon, so nobody else wanted it.”

“What, just like that? Isn't that going to ruin all the plans?”

“Yeah, Ludi sounded a little nervous about that, but Kati really wanted to have the wedding as early as possible. And Ludi can't say no to people he loves. I had better start kicking even more ass at work if I want to get time off again!”

“When's the wedding now?”

“February seventh.”

“What? That's in little over a month! How are you going to get everything done?”

Gilbert laughed and leaned back on the couch. “Haha, I know! Natalya will kill me since I can't be there to help her out. Good thing it's not going to be a big wedding. They'll get the food from a catering service and hire a photographer, so those are already off the list. But Ludi is still worried that everyone won't be able to make it on such short notice and that it's rude to bring the wedding forward so much.”

“Yeah, I guess that's going to be a problem. I mean, they've been talking about summer all this time.”

“Bullshit! I told him it's their wedding and they can do whatever they want. Plus, I love pissing off Kati's brother. He doesn't like his sister marrying a German, and I can't wait to rub it to his face.”

Gilbert babbled about the wedding for a while longer. He made no mention of whether he was expecting Lovino to be there or not, so he assumed he wasn't invited. That was obvious, he figured. Gilbert had said he didn't want to cause any trouble before Ludwig and Kateryna were happily married. The wedding being brought forward actually worked in their favour, too, since it meant Gilbert would be able to tell his family about them sooner. 

Maybe they could go to Germany together in the summer. He supposed that one of these days he would have to find the energy to look up “Good day” in a phrase book.

***

Unlike Lovino had feared, Feliciano's help didn't ruin the dinner. The food was good as always. The only difference was that he wasn't as tired and cranky on Christmas Eve as he had expected. His great-aunt even patted him on the cheek and told him something nice must have happened since he looked so happy.

“See, I told you you should let Feli help,” Gilbert whispered to him when nobody was looking.

“This only proves they normally see me as a grouchy miser if they actually bother pointing out that I smiled today.”

“Maybe you should smile more to let them get used to it?”

“Hmph! I'm fine the way I am!”

“Never said you weren't!” Gilbert gave him a shove that sent them both sprawled on Lovino's bed, but that was all they had the energy for. They were both so full it had been a struggle to climb upstairs, and now neither had any plans other than to lie down and pray their stomachs could take it.

The house was still full of relatives, most of them gathered down in the living room and a few chatting outside with Feliciano. Lovino liked them well enough, and even though they saw each other only a few times a year, they kept each other in the know of what was going on in their lives.

“I bet this is another Bible,” he said and reached for the nicely wrapped present he had placed on the night stand. His great-aunt had given him one every year ever since learning that he liked men. She'd smile at him and pat his hand as she gave the book to him, and he never had the heart to refuse. No point in getting upset when he hardly saw her, and he figured it wouldn't harm him to leaf through the Bible every now and then.

Gilbert let out a lazy sound of acknowledgement. They had come to Lovino's room to get a brief break from the others. One of Lovino's second cousins had a nice car and had promised to come and get Gilbert to take a look at it, so they had left the door open. No need to give anyone funny ideas.

“I want to open my present,” Gilbert whined.

“Stop making that face. It's not the time yet.”

They usually opened presents a little before midnight on Christmas Eve. Feliciano and their grandfather loved it and got too many unnecessary things for everyone every year. Gilbert would no doubt join their little club. Lovino sort of envied them and how easy it was for them to be happy about something so simple, like they had never grown up.

“You don't sound one bit excited. Don't you want to see what I got you?”

“I'm too full to think.” That was neutral enough, Lovino figured. Of course he was curious about what the present was, but just the fact that Gilbert had got him anything at all was more than enough.

“When we were kids, Ludi and I always counted the presents to make sure we got the exact same number. One year, he had more and gave me his socks so that I wouldn't be upset. Pfft, he didn't have to. A great big brother like me could have sucked it up!”

“Yeah, right. I bet he knew right away what a scene you'd cause.”

“You didn't do that kind of stuff with Feli?”

“Of course not. But there was something really stupid that...”

“What?”

“Never mind. It's too dumb. I drank too much wine.”

“So? You should tell me all the dumb things about you. Who else can you tell them?”

“Okay, but if you laugh, I'm kicking you in the stomach and making you vomit everywhere,” he said.

“Like you have the strength right now, but sure. I won't laugh.”

“Right,” Lovino said and turned his eyes from Gilbert to the ceiling. “So, sometimes when I was a kid, I'd have these really stupid nightmares around Christmas.”

“About what?”

“That my grandparents would only give presents to Feliciano and forget about me.”

“Huh? But that never happened, right?”

“No, that's why it's so dumb. I guess I just don't like the idea of people not paying attention to me.” Lovino gritted his teeth, annoyed at himself that he was talking about that at Christmas. It was supposed to be a happy time and here he was, ruining the mood.

Gilbert reached out to rub his stomach, which cause Lovino to whine and wriggle. “Then you got lucky because people are always telling me I bug them and I should leave them alone. But that's just not my nature! We're the perfect pair!”

“That's what you say now. What if you decide one day that you aren't okay with staying in Italy for good?”

“I don't know. I'm not going to worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet. And neither should you because it's making you frown so that you look like a wrinkly, old man. That's not cute.”

“Hmph! Like I care about that. Sounds like you should have got yourself a cat and not a boyfriend.”

“I couldn't replace you with a cat. A bird or a dog, sure. Or maybe a mule. It at least would be easier to deal with.”

“Go to hell.”

“Hey, I was kidding! You didn't think I was serious, right? We already talked about this. I'm not into animals!”

“Of course not, dumbass! But don't make fun of me.” If his stomach hadn't been so full that any other position than lying on his back sounded like torture, Lovino would have rolled to his side and sulked. But maybe it was good that he didn't because like this, he could turn his head to look at Gilbert's for once serious face.

“The hell are you looking at?” Lovino asked.

“You, duh.”

“Well, don't! It's making me feel like I've got something on my face.”

“You aren't usually this grumpy right after dinner. I'm going to hop downstairs and grab you some candy to sweeten you up.”

“You can move again?”

“Yeah, nothing can stop me for long! I'll be right back!”

The bed shifted as Gilbert sat up, and Lovino decided he didn't want him to go. He grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him down so that Gilbert let out a surprised yelp.

“I'm still full. I don't want candy.”

“What, so I'm just supposed to lie here and tolerate your sour mood? And what if I want candy?”

“Let's grab some later when we go back downstairs. You still have to see Fabrizio's car, remember? We probably won't see him again until Easter, so this is the chance. And besides, I'm not angry.”

“Yeah? Could have fooled me.”

Lovino snorted and leaned close to give Gilbert a quick kiss. He didn't know if he'd ever completely be rid of the worry that Gilbert would just leave him and go back home, no matter how many times he said he wouldn't, but right now he had the feeling that everything would be fine.

***

Gilbert had given Lovino a spare key to his apartment, so he had decided to let himself in and cook something for him. They wouldn't have much time together until mid-January since Gilbert was working so much, but at least he wanted to make sure he ate something other than junk food and snacks all the time. Besides, the gelato shop was closed for a few more days after Christmas, so it wasn't like he had anything better to do.

The apartment was so clean and organized that it never stopped amazing him. Gilbert didn't own much, so there was an almost disciplinary bareness to the surroundings. If not for the photos on the fridge and the stuffed bird on the couch, Lovino might have thought there was nobody actually living there. The place was almost begging him to settle in and make a mess.

Bam!

He almost knocked over the pan when there was the sudden boom of the door being slammed shut. An angry retort ready on his lips, he turned around to give Gilbert a piece of his mind, but then he saw what the other looked like.

Gilbert's features were contorted in fury, and his face was covered in ugly, red blotches. He kicked off his shoes and didn't bother to put them aside nicely like he usually did. There was no greeting as he stomped over to the couch and threw himself on it, snatching the stuffed bird into his arms.

“Hey,” Lovino called out, a little hesitant. He'd never seen Gilbert that angry, and he was a little worried to find out what had happened. He moved the pan from the stove and walked to the couch. “You okay?”

“I'm fine.”

“No, you're not.” Normally, Gilbert put great effort into keeping up appearances and pretending that nothing was wrong. He had spent a year with no contact with his family, and he had fooled everyone into thinking everything was alright. Now, he looked so bare and broken. Lovino hadn't told him he'd be coming over, so Gilbert had probably thought he could be alone and hadn't put up his defences.

The answer he got was stubborn silence. He figured trying to get anything else out of Gilbert at this point would be as fruitful as attempting to explain to dumb tourists that the Leaning Tower of Pisa wasn't in Rome. Better let him sulk until his iron shell had softened a little.

Lovino returned to the stove and put the pan back on it so that the tomatoes and garlic could boil a little longer before he added a few chicken breasts and cheese into it. It would take another while until everything was ready, but he stayed on the other side of the room where the little kitchen corner was and let Gilbert simmer in his anger.

Finally, he piled some cooked rice on a plate to go with the boiled chicken and held it in front of Gilbert's face.

“After I spent an hour making this, you had better eat it.”

“I'm not hungry.”

“Like hell you aren't. You're always hungry when you get back from work. Start stuffing yourself.”

At first, Lovino thought he'd have to threaten to feed him, but then Gilbert pushed himself up into a sitting position and grabbed the plate from him. Once he was sure that the other was really eating, Lovino went back to get himself a portion as well and then joined Gilbert on the couch. One of the first lessons he had learned from his grandmother was that eating didn't solve anyone's problems, but at least you felt a little better with a full stomach.

He waited until Gilbert was no longer scowling at his food before trying to jump start the conversation again.

“So, are you now going to tell me what happened?”

Gilbert let out a dismissive sound. “It's nothing worth ruining an evening. I guess I just had a bad day.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

“So, let's watch a movie or something!”

Gilbert turned on the TV, and after some channel surfing, they found a sitcom that they both occasionally watched. It was funny enough, but not so much that Lovino would have found Gilbert's chuckles and comments genuine.

“How was work today?” he asked. 

“It was okay. Hey did you see that? I bet Piero is going to mess up this date so hard, haha!”

Lovino gave Gilbert a shove.

“Hey, what was that for?”

“Stop bullshitting me! You aren't half as convincing as you think you are, so just spill it already. What happened today?”

“Sheesh, I said –”

“If it's nothing, you should be able to tell me. And if it's something big, then you especially should tell me or, do you think I'm such a shitty boyfriend that you can't trust me or what?”

“What? No! No need to be that melodramatic. Last I checked, I didn't a sign a contract that says I have to tell you anything if I don't want to!”

“No, but... Ugh, fuck you. Can't you see I want you to feel better?”

“It's nothing serious. I'll feel better after I've hit the gym.”

“You just ate. If you go now, you'll puke. But fine, don't tell me, then.”

They continued watching the show in silence. Gilbert wasn't laughing at it anymore, and by the time the next commercial break started, Lovino was already feeling a little guilty. He knew Gilbert wasn't the kind of guy who liked to talk about his problems, so he shouldn't have pushed him. It just irritated him to know that something was up and that the oaf was being too stubborn to say anything.

When the credits started rolling, he let out a defeated sigh and got on his feet. “I guess I'll be heading home.”

“Are you mad?”

Part of Lovino really wanted to say yes, just to make Gilbert feel like shit, but he settled with an irritated snort. “If I was, I would have left ages ago. You piss me off every day, so you've got to do more than that if you want to get me angry.”

“Haha, I guess.” Gilbert fidgeted on the couch as Lovino was preparing to leave. He had his jacket on when he figured that the idiot didn't want him to go but couldn't swallow his pride and admit it.

“Shit, I might just as well do the dishes before I leave,” he said and took his jacket off again.

“I can do that!” But then Gilbert seemed to realise he had just taken away Lovino's reason to stay, so he hurried to add, “But you can dry them!”

Doing the dishes with Gilbert wasn't fun. He seemed to consider it an achievement of some kind if he was able to do the washing up as quickly as possible so that Lovino couldn't keep up. Lovino had lost count how many plates he had broken as a child because the damn things just refused to stay in his hands, so he had learned to be extra careful. That made him slow, and it didn't take long before Gilbert was all done and began to organize the magnets on the fridge while he waited for Lovino to finish.

“Earlier, you said something about kicking people out of your life when they gave you crap,” he said after a while.

“Yeah. High school friends, mostly. Didn't lose much.” Lovino put away the plate he was drying and turned to look at Gilbert. “Did you tell someone?”

“No, no, it's not that! This guy just really pissed me off at work today; that's all.”

“What did he do?”

“Well, we were just wrapping up and making sure the cars were okay and stuff, and we always have the radio on when we do it. It makes it a lot more fun. Anyway, it was just me and this guy, Emilio. Have I ever mentioned him before?”

“Not that I remember.”

“Yeah, we go out drinking sometimes and hang out. There I was, in the middle of telling him this really funny joke when all of a sudden, the radio started blasting some news story about a gay rights protest or something. And then Emilio just turned it off and said it made him sick.” Gilbert slammed his hands against the fridge. “Bam! Out of nowhere like that! And then he just went on and on about it until I said I'm going home.”

“He sounds like a total dickhead. You – ”

“But he's not! That's the problem! I like him. He's funny, and he's got a great taste in beer and he helped me out a lot when I started this job. His sister works in the reception, and she's great, too.”

“Oh.” Lovino wished he knew what else to say.

“Yeah, it pisses me off.” Gilbert opened the fridge, glared at the contents for a while and then slammed the door shut again so hard that something fell over inside.

“Hey, don't break your stuff!”

“It's mine. I can do whatever I want.” Gilbert crosses his arms on his chest, but he couldn't take being still for long and began to move the magnets on the fridge around again. Maybe hitting the gym really would have been the best option for him, Lovino figured.

“I didn't think this would happen,” Gilbert said. “I thought that if anyone ever gives me crap, it's just going to be some random asshole in the street. Not someone I like.”

“Yeah, that sucks.”

“And the worst part is,” Gilbert said and stuck a cute bunny magnet on the door with a loud snap, “that I still want to be friends with him, even though I also want to punch him. But if he knew about you, he'd probably never talk to me again. Fuck, I had no idea someone who's otherwise so great could turn out to be such a piece of shit!”

“Hey...” Lovino did his best to come up with something encouraging to say, but he didn't think there was much that would have helped.

“I should go for a walk. If I'm lucky, someone will try to rob me and I can beat them up.”

“Don't be an idiot. Your gym is still open, right? If you need to hit something that bad, hop on my Vespa and I'll take you there.”

Gilbert drew in a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, okay. I don't think I'll get much sleep tonight otherwise, and I have to be up early again.”

The gym Gilbert was a member of wasn't far away. Lovino wasn't one for exercise, so he took a seat on the side where he could watch Gilbert. It was only about forty minutes until closing time, so people were slowly starting to gather their things and head for the showers.

The idiot is going to be sore tomorrow, he thought as he saw that Gilbert skipped warm-up and headed straight for the punching bag. He wished he could have somehow helped him let out all the anger and fear plaguing him. However, there was nothing for him to do except bring him a towel and sit with him on the floor after he had burned himself out.


	38. Chapter 38

Gilbert didn't speak of Emilio again during the next few days, and Lovino didn't ask. He figured it wasn't his place to tell him what to do when he didn't even know the guy. He just hoped Gilbert wouldn't do anything dumb that might lead to him losing his job. 

Earlier, he had felt irritated that Gilbert hadn't brought him to his workplace that one morning, but now he wanted to smack himself over the head for it. He had been so lucky with his family and friends that even though he had always known the world wasn't fair, he hadn't really had to face it all that much. He had a strong safety net so that he didn't have to fear getting fired or kicked out of his home. Gilbert didn't. It made sense for him to be careful.

They barely had time for each other now that Gilbert was working so much. Lovino had been worried that he'd get into another accident if they made him drive around the city with so little sleep, but he had assured him he got to have breaks at the hotel's garage and that he often spent long periods of time just sitting in the car and waiting for some rich guest go about their business.

“I'm not a taxi driver,” he had said over and over again. “My job is way better!”

Lovino was back to work as well. With Giorgio having returned from visiting his family up north, it wasn't as stressful as right before Christmas, and he found himself looking forward to the new year. Hopefully it would be the best of his life so far.

“I might go and visit Michela's family in Seychelles in the summer,” Feliciano said when there was a quieter moment at the shop. “Have I shown you the pictures? It looks like a paradise!”

“Everything always looks better in tourism ads.”

“Yeah, but these are pictures she took herself! Look, I'll show you some!” Feliciano took out his phone and began to flip through his photo folder until he found what he was looking for. For the next few moments, Lovino had to keep his eyes glued to the phone screen and grunt and hum as his brother showed him photos of beaches, fruit and smiling people who had to be Michela's family. There was a picture of her and her father with his arms around her, and it was easy to see how strongly she took after him.

“They look like nice people. I really want to go and get to know them,” Feliciano said. “When are you going to see Gilbert's family?”

“I don't know,” Lovino said with a twinge of unease. The matter with Emilio might make Gilbert even more careful than he already was, so who knew when he'd come out. Sure, Ludwig knew, but that was only the start.

“Or do you think they'll all come here one day? I want to see Ludwig again! He doesn't always reply to me on Facebook,” Feliciano said. 

“No doubt because you blabber stupid things at him and he doesn't know how to react! And I sure hope you aren't writing anything about me and Gilbert in public.”

“Don't worry, Ludwig told me not to. More than once.”

Lovino wondered if that was just because Ludwig wanted to respect Gilbert's right to tell everyone when he wanted to, or if he was being extra cautious because he suspected someone might react badly. He knew so little about Gilbert's family that it was beginning to frustrate him. He would have never thought he'd ever want to get to know any Germans unless forced at gunpoint, but now it made him jealous that he couldn't talk to them like Feliciano could talk to Michela's family.

“Are you going to the wedding?” Feliciano asked.

“Huh, what?”

“I mean Ludwig and Kati's.”

“No, I guess not. They brought it forward so suddenly that I don't think I can organize my stuff and –”

“What's there to organize? I and Giorgio and Grandpa can take care of the shop. Then you pay me back by taking my shifts in the summer, hehe. Sounds like a good idea to me.”

Lovino let out an irritated sigh. “I'm not invited, dumbass.”

“Why not? You're Gilbert's boyfriend!”

“Yeah, that's why I can't go. If someone threw a fit, it would ruin the wedding. Talk about a selfish and shitty thing to do. I don't want their first impression of me to be an asshole.”

Feliciano frowned as he thought it over, and Lovino turned away to continue his work. Everything he had said was true; it made perfect sense that he couldn't go. He still felt bummed by it, and that just fuelled his irritation.

He wanted to complain about everything to someone who would understand what he was talking about. Feliciano meant well, but he just didn't get it. In his world, only nice people existed. After a moment of hesitation, Lovino sent Heracles a message and asked if he was up for some coffee in the afternoon. It would be a good chance to ask him what had happened with Kiku.

The answer came about an hour before his shift ended, complete with an apology since Heracles had been having a nap and hadn't noticed the message earlier.

When Lovino arrived at the café, Heracles was sitting at a table by the window where he could watch the people outside. He had ordered a coffee, but it looked untouched.

Lovino tapped his finger at the table by Heracles' cup before taking a seat. “That's getting cold, and then it'll taste like piss,” he said.

“Oh, I didn't notice.” Heracles took a sip of the coffee. “It's still good.”

“The least you could do is drink your coffee right without someone having to look after you, sheesh.”

“What did you want to talk about?”

“Nothing much.” Lovino pretended to be busy examining the menu. He felt a little guilty. The main reason he had contacted Heracles was because he wanted to talk about his problems with him, which was kind of a dick thing to do. That was why he had to test the waters a little before deciding whether it was in any way okay to talk to his ex about his current boyfriend.

“So,” he started after a while, “did that thing with Kiku lead anywhere?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Can't I be a little curious? He seemed pretty determined to get you back, so I'm wondering how it went.” Lovino put the menu down and decided to get an espresso as soon as the waiter walked by.

“It's difficult to have a relationship when you're so far away from each other. That's what I told him.”

“Oh. So, that was that?” Somehow, that just added to Lovino's earlier guilt. Maybe he had been hoping that Heracles and Kiku would become a couple because then he wouldn't have to feel bad about breaking up with Heracles so suddenly. After all, if he was happier with someone else, it had been the right thing to do, hadn't it?

“He said he was going to put all of his effort into it. For someone so reserved, he can be very ambitious. And I thought that maybe I shouldn't give up so easily either.” Heracles closed his eyes and rubbed his head like he was already developing a headache. “I don't know if it was a good idea to get into this. I don't like stress.”

“I know what you mean. We had such a nice relationship, and now we're stuck with people who are going to make life so much more difficult.”

“You're the one who ended it.” 

“Ugh, don't remind me. I guess I'm just going to have to live without those nice, lazy mornings when I'm with that idiot.”

“Might be better that way. You always need an excuse to complain about something. I probably wouldn't have been able to offer you enough conflict in the long run.”

Lovino snorted at the back of his throat. “No need to make me sound like a total asshole. I know I messed up.”

“Objectively speaking, there's nothing wrong with doing what's best for you.”

“Shut up. This is not what I came to talk about,” Lovino whined. “How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?”

Heracles frowned at him like he didn't really understand him. “I thought we were already past that, but you brought it up. That's why I'm talking about this. But if it's making you uncomfortable –”

“Hell yeah it makes me uncomfortable! I don't like people reminding me of my screw-ups!”

“Hmm.” Heracles spent a moment staring at the thin layer of coffee at the bottom of his cup. “I disagree. It's better to learn from your mistakes than ignore them altogether.”

Lovino lazily made an offensive gesture with his hand. “Who said I'm ignoring them? Fuck you, like you know anything that I've been up to lately.”

“This is pointless. It's impossible to debate with you when you don't put any thought into your arguments. You just yell.”

“Too bad. I'm not here to debate anything.” Lovino wished he could tell if Heracles was really upset, or just stating what he felt was obvious. It was hard to tell since it normally took so much to make him react, but he knew the other wasn't emotionless. He just processed things in a way that Lovino couldn't understand.

Perhaps they would have broken up even without Gilbert. Everything had been perfect as long as they had got along, but as soon as they began to get on each other's nerves, it was like they were speaking a different language and didn't know how to deal with each other.

“You said that Kiku is going to work harder to make it work this time. Did he say what he meant by that?” he asked.

“No. There isn't much to do right now. I'll go see him later so that we can spend a little more time together.”

“I guess you're pretty lucky that you can work just about anywhere. You going to move in with him? I hear people over there can be real assholes about something like that, but that's why Kiku switched jobs, right?”

“Oh, he told you about that?”

“Yeah, he said he might be able to live a little more openly now. Do you think he's going to tell his family? Will it bother you if he won't?”

“I haven't thought about it that far. It doesn't feel very relevant at the moment.”

“What do you mean? Family is important! I don't know if I could be with a guy who wouldn't introduce me to his.”

“Did Gilbert say he won't?”

“Hey, why are you bringing him up? I didn't say anything about him! And he's going to tell them about us, but now isn't a good time.” Lovino drew a deep breath to stop the stream of babble before he said anything embarrassing. “It just pisses me off, you know? If I was a chick, he would have told them right away because it'd be happy news. But no, we have to be careful and shit just because I have a dick. I get why it has to be like that, but that doesn't make it much more fun.”

Heracles let out a hum of acknowledgement. “I guess one of the nice things we had was that it wasn't an issue to our families. Unnecessary drama makes me so tired.”

“Yeah, and look where we're now. Kiku's family is probably going to be even worse, huh?”

“I'm not going to worry about it until the time comes. Neither should you. It's not going to do you any good.”

“Everyone keeps saying that,” Lovino said with a groan. And everyone was right, he guessed. It wasn't even that he was worried that Gilbert would never tell his parents or that he was sure there would be a shitstorm. He just wasn't used to the uncertainty since he had mostly gone out with people who were more experienced than him and had already dealt with coming out. He didn't know if he'd be able to do and say the right things if something went wrong.

“Then you should probably listen. By the way, can you pay for my coffee?”

“What? Why should I?”

“You invited me, so I didn't bring any money.”

“I didn't say anything about treating you! But if you're that stubborn, fine! But it'll be your turn next time!” 

“Thanks. You should come over to my place some time, and I'll cook something good. But only if we can talk about something other than our boyfriends. It's dull.”

“Uh, right. Sorry.” Lovino cleared his throat in embarrassment. Not everything was about him and Gilbert. He wondered if Feliciano was already sick of him talking about their relationship all the time. He should just learn to take everyone's advice and let his life develop at its own pace.

***

Lovino knew something was up the moment Gilbert's face popped up before him. There was that annoying, nervous look on his features that said more than a thousand words. 

He was lying on the couch in Gilbert's apartment and watching TV, having been waiting for him to come back from work for a while now. 

“Move it, you're blocking the TV,” he grumbled and tried to swat Gilbert aside.

“Why didn't you come to the door and greet me with a kiss?”

“Too much effort. I want to watch this show.”

“At least move your legs so that I can watch it, too.”

Lovino grudgingly did as asked so that Gilbert had space to sit down. He wondered if something had happened at work again since he could tell that something was making Gilbert fidgety, but he figured he'd act like he hadn't noticed unless it got bad.

“You know how I've got next Friday off and we decided to go out?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah?” It was the first time they'd go on a date in public, and also the first chance they had to spend more than a few hours together in almost two weeks. Lovino made a quick decision not to be upset if Gilbert had got cold feet and wanted to stay home instead. Hell, they'd have more time to have sex, and he had the feeling Gilbert needed some serious stress relief.

“Right, so Laura came to see me at work today and said she's planning a surprise birthday party for Emilio, and wouldn't you know, it's on Friday.”

“Who's Laura? His girlfriend or what?”

“Nah, his sister. The one in reception.”

“Okay. So, did you tell her you've already got plans?”

“That's just the thing!” Gilbert made frustrated gestures with his hands. “I said I'd already made plans with someone else, and she got this look on her face and said it's totally okay to bring my girlfriend to the party. And I said I have no girlfriend, and she said it's even better and I should bring my friend to the party instead!”

“Let me guess. You couldn't say no to her, or otherwise you wouldn't be making such a fuss right now.”

“But she's super cute and she's got this adorable nose, and she looked so sad when I tried to tell her I couldn't come!”

“Do they let twelve-year-olds work in reception these days?” Lovino gave Gilbert a few kicks with his foot, not hard enough to hurt but enough to show he was annoyed. “And hey, shouldn't you be more worried about making me sad, huh?”

“You won't blame me when you see her at the party!”

“What, you want me to come, too? Isn't this Emilio the guy who –”

“Yeah, but we can go as friends, right?” Gilbert must have seen the unhappy expression Lovino's face because he was quick to continue, “I mean, there's going to be free food, so we can stuff ourselves and then leave early and come here and do something fun! You should be glad, I just saved us all the money we would have spent at some restaurant or bar!”

Lovino groaned and slumped against the couch. He didn't want to go anywhere as friends. It was at the tip of his tongue to tell Gilbert that he should go alone if the damn party was so important to him that he was ready to cancel their date.

“Are there going to be any decent people there?” he asked instead. “I'm not coming if I have to listen to some bastard rant the whole time.”

“Nah, it's just going to be some guys from work and some other friends Emilio has. It's going to be okay!”

Lovino had his doubts about that. This was the same guy who had made Gilbert so upset. He had no idea why he even wanted to go and celebrate the asshole's birthday or why he thought it'd be fun to surround himself with even more people who were likely to share his opinions.

“Come on,” Gilbert cooed and shifted closer on the couch. “Don't look like that. It'll be fun. We can make up an excuse and leave if something happens.”

“Why do you even want to go?”

“My buddies will be there! I want you to meet them. I know all of your friends, so you should know mine!”

“I know Francis. My quota is pretty full,” Lovino grumbled, but he could feel his resistance breaking apart. It wasn't like it was their anniversary or anything, so it shouldn't have been an issue to cancel the date and go to the party and get to know Gilbert's friends.

It was just that the whole idea of going as friends turned his stomach a little. He understood why Gilbert wanted that, no problem. He just didn't like it.

“We don't have to be there for long. Let's just show up, chat a little and leave. I'll make it up to you!”

“That's going to take forever! You'll have barely any days off until the wedding. Am I going to have to wait over a month before I can spend a full day with my own boyfriend?”

The look on Gilbert's face turned from hopeful to resigned, and Lovino realised he was about to give up. Damn, he had been expecting him to put up more of a fight.

“Fine!” he said quickly before Gilbert had the chance to give in. “Let's go to the fucking party.”

“Really? Do you really want to, or are you just saying that because you're fed up with me asking? If so, then –”

“Because I want to, idiot. I'm going to have to meet your friends one day, right? I might as well get it over with. And who knows, maybe there will be some okay people. I mean, you're friends with Antonio, so your taste can't be totally shit.”

“Haha, yeah! I bet when we get there, you'll love everyone so much I'll have to drag you away! Or did you say yes because I said I'd make it up to you later?” Gilbert crawled over the remaining distance between them so that he was nearly lying on his lap. “Nah, that can't be. Because you know you can have me whenever you want. Which I'm sure is all the time!”

Lovino simply rolled his eyes and shifted a little to allow Gilbert a more comfortable position. 

“Make sure you don't fall asleep on me. I'll kick you awake when I want to get up,” he said.

“That's what you said last time, and you still didn't.”

“I didn't want to get up that time! But now I might, so watch out or you'll find your sorry ass on the floor!”

Gilbert's response was to laugh and bury his face against Lovino's stomach. They'd have to get up in a while to have dinner, but since all they had to do was to heat some leftovers, a short nap couldn't hurt.

***

The following Friday, Gilbert took Lovino to Emilio's parents' place where they were having the party, as he and his sister were still living with them. It was a nice, surprisingly spacious apartment in an old block of flats that was leaning slightly to its side, as if one corner was sinking into the ground. There was a tiny garden with a few scrawny field maples, and since the apartment was on the ground floor and the closest to the front entrance, people were walking freely in and out and sitting on chairs and blankets around the building.

“Woohoo! Here I am!” Gilbert announced their arrival and waved at the closest group of people who had gathered under a tree. One of them said something that made everyone laugh, and then he left the group and came to greet them.

“Hey, Gilbert! Quit acting like you're the star of the party. I'm the birthday boy here!”

“Pfft, I bet half the people only came because they knew I'd be here! But happy birthday! Here, we bought peanuts so that you won't eat them all like last time.”

“Thanks, they always run out,” Emilio said and took the bags that Lovino and Gilbert had bought. “And oh, hey, you must be Lovino. Gilbert said you'd be coming. How's it going? I hope you'll have a great time.”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks.” Lovino realised that without the earlier incident, he probably would have liked Emilio just fine. Now, the helpless rage Gilbert had expressed over his friend had already soiled what would have otherwise been a decent first impression.

“You should go inside and get something to drink. Laura's been wondering when you'd show up,” Emilio said.

Gilbert lifted his brows. “Oh? Did she want something from me?”

“Beats me, but I wouldn't keep her waiting if I were you. See you two later!”

“Come on, let's go inside. I want a beer,” Gilbert said and pointed at the entrance.

There was a drinks table in the kitchen, and they waded their way through the guests to get there. It wasn't that there were too many people around, just that even fifteen made a crowd when they got crammed inside an apartment.

Most of the people they passed knew Gilbert and said hello or waved at him. Lovino couldn't help but feel a little awkward and out of place, but he hoped he'd hit it off with someone. He hated coming to parties where he knew nobody.

“Gilbert! You made it!”

A young woman nearly bumped into them, and Lovino had to step back to avoid having his feet stepped on. She was on the short side and had dark, curly hair that reached a little past her shoulders. When she smiled, she had the same dimples as Emilio, so Lovino supposed she was the sister he had mentioned.

“Of course I did! I knew it wouldn't be much of a party without me.”

“Full of yourself as always, huh?”

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?”

Lovino would have rolled his eyes and kicked Gilbert to the knee to deflate his ego a little before his chest burst, but Laura didn't seem to mind his stupid bragging. In fact, the way she was looking at him made Lovino feel she was buying every word that left Gilbert's mouth.

Either there was something wrong with her, or she had the hots for him. Or possibly both since the former was a requirement for the latter, as Lovino knew from personal experience.

“I'm going to grab a drink. You want anything?” he asked to insert himself into the conversation.

“Oh, right! Laura, this is my buddy, Lovino.”

“Nice to meet you.” Laura brushed a strand of hair behind her ear and looked uncertainly at them. “Gilbert said you already had plans and cancelled them to come here. Sorry if I caused you any trouble.”

“Nah, that's okay!” Gilbert said.

“Great, I was already starting to feel a little guilty. But hey, let's get you something to drink.”

Laura ushered them to the drinks table, grabbed a can of beer and shoved it into Gilbert's hands before he could say what he wanted. It was his favourite, and Lovino found himself feeling annoyed that she knew what beer he liked best.

For a while, Gilbert and Laura talked about something that had happened at work. Lovino did his best to throw in the occasional comment to remind them that he was still there, and while Gilbert did his best to include him, Laura eventually began to shoot meaningful glances to his direction.

She wanted him to get lost so that she could turn up the flirt, he realised. And he couldn't do anything except play dumb. Fuck that. He wasn't worried anything would happen, but the situation was so unfair that he wanted to throw his wine at someone.

It wasn't unfair just to him, either. Gilbert was being a total dumbass and lapping up the attention like honey, probably not even realising what Laura was getting at. He was wasting her time and giving her false hope. This whole annoyance could have been so easily avoided if they could just say they were together.

He'd talk about that with Gilbert once they got home. At the very least, he should invent a fake girlfriend to keep potential admirers at bay. It was that thought that helped Lovino calm down enough for the wine to taste decent again. After all, it was he who was going home with Gilbert, not her. He had no reason to be jealous.

After some time, one of Laura's friends joined them, and she was more than happy to push her onto Lovino under the pretence that she loved gelato and they would have so much to talk about. If the roll of the eyes she gave Laura was of any indication, she – Francesca, as she had been introduced as – saw through it right away.

“You think she's got a chance?” she asked as they drifted a little further away.

“No way.”

“I don't know. He seems to like her. But you know him better, so...”

Yeah, and that's why he knew that Gilbert liked anyone who'd listen and nod in appreciation as he talked about himself.

Francesca wrinkled her nose in disapproval. “He had better not be thinking about getting involved with her if he's not serious. She can get over being rejected, but not that.”

“Nah, I don't think –”

“I would kick his ass so hard, and that would be just the start. Emilio would kill him.”

“Sheesh, he's not going to! What's your problem?”

“I just don't know him that well, that's all. And Laura's always falling for idiots, so I've learned to be suspicious. Besides, if he's not interested, why is he going along with it?”

“Because he's an idiot. You're right about that one. He thinks he's so fucking cool that it's normal to have adoring fans.”

Francesca snorted into her beer in amusement. “Hah, sounds about right. Where did you meet him?”

“At a friend's wedding. He's been stuck on me like a leech ever since.”

Francesca turned out to be alright. Since she was Laura's friend, she didn't know many people at the party either. They decided to stick together and had a great time talking about food. If Lovino could have stayed with her for the rest of their stay, the evening might have been enjoyable enough. However, she got a call from her brother that he needed her to pick him up from work, so she had to leave early. 

It was then that Lovino realised he had lost sight of Gilbert and began to look around for him. He eventually found him outside in the garden, sitting under the largest tree with a bunch of his friends.

“Thanks for dumping me inside, asshole,” he said as he walked up to them, trying to work up some anger so that he wouldn't feel weird about joining a group where he didn't know almost anyone.

“You were getting along so well with Franci, so I didn't want to bug you. Where did she go?” Gilbert asked.

“Her brother needs a lift.”

“That sucks. I think she liked you,” Laura said.

The others were in the middle of some story Emilio was telling them, and that didn't change by Lovino's arrival. He did his best to understand what was going on, but it was about people he had never heard of and whom everyone else seemed to know. 

He couldn't help but think back to Heracles' friends and how badly he had fit in with them. If the same was happening again, maybe the problem was him.

No, he decided after a while. He wasn't going to let himself feel like crap over this. How could anyone expect him to click with these people when he couldn't be honest with them and didn't know which of them would throw a fit if they found out he was dating a guy?

His irritation no doubt showed on his face, and he decided to go back inside and get another drink before anyone pointed it out.

On his way back, he heard his name mentioned and stopped at the door where nobody could see him.

“Just what's up with him? He's acting like he's here to babysit you.”

“Haha, is he your boyfriend or something? The way he looks at you like you shouldn't be talking to anyone else is freaking me out.”

Lovino's insides turned to ice. Gilbert would say no, and even though it was just to keep up their cover, he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to go back out there and act like he hadn't heard anything.

“Pfft, what the heck? Don't make me laugh! I'm too awesome to have a boyfriend! I'm not into guys! What do you take me for?”

Just like that, that cold dread was gone. Lovino could feel his entire chest and face burn with sudden anger that was rising from somewhere within him. Did Gilbert have to say it with that tone? Why did he have to _laugh?_ Asshole!

He held his breath and kept listening, hoping that someone would say there was nothing wrong with having a boyfriend so that Gilbert would realise he didn't have to act like such a shitstain, but nobody did. They all laughed with him.

Lovino put down his glass to resist the temptation to throw it at the wall. He clenched his hands into fists and listed every insult he could think of in an attempt to stay calm. That goddamn undigested piece of potato in a pile of dog shit! He was going to kick him face-first into a rotting garbage can with used diapers and sanitary pads and weld the lid shut!

But as much as he wanted to walk out there and have his knee say hello to Gilbert's stomach, there was one, tiny reasonable part of him that knew he'd achieve nothing by causing a scene. It might feel good for a short moment to break the façade Gilbert had built for these people, but the collateral damage could be so devastating that their relationship might not survive it.

So, he repeated the insults backwards until he was sure he had calmed down so much that his face no longer looked like he had stepped into a puddle of vomit barefooted. He still felt like it, but he only had to keep up appearances for the short time it would take to walk outside and leave the damn party.

He felt a sick sense of satisfaction when nobody called out to him as he crossed the tiny courtyard and slipped through the front gates. That's right, Gilbert was too busy with his idiot pals to even notice his boyfriend was missing. What a quality catch.

His anger lasted for only about a hundred meters before his composure began to crumble and he had to swallow a painful lump in his throat. Stupid, stupid Gilbert. Why was he such an asshole, and why were a few mocking words that he didn't even mean enough to punch him in the gut and make his eyes sting?

I'm not going to fucking cry, he thought stubbornly as he threw himself on a bench at the bus stop. He felt full of restless energy, and for a moment he considered walking home, even if it would take hours and kill his feet. But his natural laziness won, and he settled with huffing to himself and kicking the pavement to let out his anger.

When he got home, he raided the fridge for leftovers and grabbed a bottle of wine from his grandfather's cupboard. Then he stomped up to his room and slammed the door shut so that everyone in the house would hear it. He liked to think it was his way of telling them not to bother him, but it was just as likely he wanted to let them know he was upset and that they should do something nice for him.

However, it seemed there was nobody home. Somewhere in the midst of the angry haze he recalled that Feliciano was having dinner with Michela's family. His grandafther and Giorgio were still at work, but they'd be returning in about an hour and a half.

Maybe that was for the better. At least he'd get to calm down and think things through so that he wouldn't turn into an embarrassing mess before the others. They'd probably laugh if they saw he was drinking wine straight from the bottle and stuffing himself with cold lasagne just because Gilbert had told his friends they weren't dating.

But the more he thought about it, the more convinced he became that it wasn't just that. He had known they couldn't go to the party as a couple. No problem. But –

He almost dropped the bottle when his phone began ringing. It was Gilbert. The bastard had finally noticed he was gone. Lovino stared at his name on the screen for a long time and decided he was feeling petty enough not to take the call. 

The phone rang for almost a minute before Gilbert gave up. A few moments later, the phone let out a beep to let Lovino know he had got a message.

_Hey, where did you go? Did something happen?_

Lovino tossed the phone on his bed. It didn't take long before he got another message.

_Did you go home? I'm coming!_

Lovino wasn't sure how he felt about that. He was feeling pissed off enough not to want to see Gilbert, but he knew he wouldn't feel any better until he did. On the other hand, a part of him had been hoping Gilbert would stay at the party so that he'd have more reasons to be mad at him.

Almost forty minutes later, the doorbell began to ring. Lovino listened to it go bling blong at an increasingly rapid pace until it finally stopped. At first he thought Gilbert had given up and left, but then he got another message.

_I know you're there! The neighbours saw you go in! Open the door!_

Letting out an irritated sigh, Lovino got up on his feet and dragged himself downstairs. The doorbell started to ring again as he was walking through the living room, and he realised Gilbert probably wouldn't stop until he either opened the door or the battery ran out.

“Alright, dammit! I'm coming! You can stop that!”

He opened the door. Gilbert was standing there, his thumb on the doorbell like he was ready to start over if Lovino closed the door on him.

“What are you doing here?” Lovino asked.

“What do you mean? I should be asking the questions! Why did you just disappear like that, huh?”

“You fucker, like you don't know!”

Gilbert stared at him like he was speaking a foreign language. “You know, I'm a really sharp guy, but even I can't read minds. If something's bugging you, you've got to tell me what it is.”

Suddenly, Lovino felt like an idiot. If this was such a small deal to Gilbert that he hadn't even noticed anything was off, maybe he was overreacting after all. He didn't think he could take Gilbert laughing at him.

No. He was upset, and he wouldn't let even his boyfriend tell him he had no right to.

“I heard what you said to the others. You can't expect me to try to have a good time after that, so I left. Simple as that.”

“What do you – Oh, that! Sorry, I had no idea you were there. But you know I didn't mean any of it, right?”

“That doesn't change a damn thing. It was still messed up!”

“What did you expect me to say? You knew I wasn't going to tell them the truth!”

“Yeah, but you didn't have to turn us into a joke! You could have just said no and changed the subject, but you acted like the mere idea we'd be together was so wrong it was worth laughing at! Maybe you didn't mean it, but everybody else there did, and I have no idea how the hell that doesn't bother you!” 

Gilbert snorted impatiently. “Sure it bothers me. But it's not the end of the world.”

“Are you kidding me? You were so upset with that bastard friend of yours the other day, and now you think it's okay to joke about us with him? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Sheesh, since when do you have such a thin skin? It was just one comment! If you had stuck around instead of running off like a loser, you'd have noticed we started talking about something else right away!”

“Fuck you!” Whatever fleeting hopes Lovino had had of them resolving this here and now disappeared with the anger that was like someone pouring boiling water down his collar. He grabbed his grandfather's old scarf off the coat rack and threw it at Gilbert, but it didn't fly well and fell to the floor between them.

“Get lost!”

“What's with that stupid temper tantrum? Don't act like it's my fault you're mad! If you didn't like it at the party, all you had to do was say you wanted to leave! I mean, we agreed to leave early anyway! But now you're being a little drama queen again and expecting me to know exactly what's going on without telling me anything!”

“Okay, I'll tell you something, shitface! Years ago, I spent a lot of time thinking there was something wrong with me and that I had to be ashamed of myself, and it was really hard to stop. Today you made me feel that way again.”

“But –”

“And that had better have been the last time, or I'm kicking your ass out of my life!”

Gilbert opened his mouth to say something, but he closed it with an angry grunt and pressed his lips tightly together. He turned around on his heels and began to march away, not even bothering to slam the door shut and leaving Lovino staring at his retreating back until he was gone.

Good. He didn't even want to talk him anymore. It was great he had left. Or at least that was what he tried to tell himself as he made it back to his room where the food and wine were waiting. However, he ignored both and threw himself on his bed. He grabbed his pillow and clutched it in his hands so hard his fingers hurt.

Oh, fuck. He hadn't meant to sound that harsh. He wasn't going to dump Gilbert. No way.

But at the same time, he realised he wasn't fine with how Gilbert was keeping him a secret from everyone. He could say it was okay all he wanted, but it bothered him more than he had ever expected. It had been so easy to say it was alright, but actually lying to people and hiding everything like they were doing something wrong sucked.

Maybe it was selfish and maybe he should have been more understanding, but he knew he didn't want this to happen every time they went out. It would destroy the little confidence he had built over the years, and he wasn't ready to let even Gilbert do that to him.


	39. Chapter 39

Lovino didn't talk much with this family that evening. He showed up for dinner, but even if he hadn't eaten leftovers earlier, he wouldn't have had much of an appetite. He felt sick to his stomach.

“Something wrong? I thought you were going to stay with Gilbert tonight,” Giorgio said.

“We had to cancel. He... uh, well, they gave him even more work! He has to fill in for someone who broke his leg!”

“Then he's probably going to be busy for a long time. Hope they let him go to the wedding,” his grandfather said and pushed a piece of bread over the table to him. “Here, I know you're disappointed, but you should never skip a meal because of love problems! You need strength and energy when you finally do have time for each other because – Hey, where are you going?”

“I'm not hungry,” Lovino said as he got up.

“I'll put a piece of the pie aside for you, but you should eat it before Feliciano comes home!”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

Once he was back in his room, Lovino instantly regretted it. He should have started watching TV instead to get something to keep his mind busy. Now there was nobody to talk to and nothing to do, so his frustration and regrets had free rein over his mind.

He shouldn't have said all that to Gilbert, but he didn't know what else he could have done. How was he supposed to react when he hurt him and didn't even realise it? Now he had hurt Gilbert in return and felt twice as miserable about the whole thing.

“Fuck,” he muttered and fell face-first on his bed. He wanted to talk to Gilbert right away to fix things, but he had never been good at reaching out. It was easier when others came to him and took care of everything so he didn't have to bother. But he didn't think it was going to work this time – Gilbert was too stubborn and dumb to admit that he had done anything wrong without someone pulling the words out of his throat by force.

He stared forlornly at his phone. He wanted to call Gilbert, but at the same time he didn't. Maybe it was for the best if he waited until the following day. Right now, he had no idea how to start untangling the mess of emotions inside him, and they'd probably end up fighting again.

Tomorrow, he thought, sat up and began to take off his clothes. He didn't want to think about this now. He'd been through too much shit for one day and deserved some rest. Hopefully all the wine he still had in his system would help him fall asleep without trouble.

***

There was only one thing on Lovino's mind when he woke up. He felt like someone had dumped the contents of a garbage truck in his stomach, and he struggled to his feet and made a dash for the bathroom before he'd empty everything on the floor.

He made it just in time, even if he hit his toe somewhere in the dark. His angry profanities and hisses of pain were cut off when he found the toilet and vomited, filling the bowl with the lasagne and alcohol from earlier. The wine had been sweet when he'd drunk it, but now he gagged at the bitter, salty sting in his mouth.

Once finished, he rose shakily to his feet and drank a little from the tap on the sink to get rid of the taste. His skin was sticky with sweat, so he threw some water on his face as well and then sat back down on the floor in case he'd feel sick again. He sure felt like he would.

He'd had a nightmare. It was all hazy and confusing, but he was sure he'd dreamt of Gilbert. There had been glimpses of his pale skin and hair, and he had laughed with the person with him. Lovino couldn't remember who, but there had been dark locks of hair spread on Gilbert's chest and round curves for his hands to grab.

But the worst had been what Gilbert had said. That was the only thing that remained crystal clear in his memory. He could hear the words even now.

“Lovino? Pfft, haha! I just realised what an annoying whiner he is. Besides, if he cared about me at all, he'd have called me already.”

Lovino groaned at the back of his throat and buried his face against his knees. It had been just a nightmare. Gilbert wasn't cheating on him. It wasn't true. And yet his thoughts kept going around in circles and coming up with ludicrous situations in which Gilbert could have found comfort in someone else's arms.

Hell, what if he thought their relationship wasn't worth the trouble? That if he had to choose between Lovino and having his normal, simple life back, he'd pick the latter? Why would he stay with him if all he got for it was problems with his friends, family and work, and a boyfriend who yelled at him all the time?

Fuck. This was going nowhere. They were finished. Maybe his dream had already come true and –

Click!

Lovino groaned and squeezed his eyes shut when someone stepped into the bathroom and turned on the light. He already felt shitty enough; what had he done to deserve this additional torture?

“Lovino, are you okay? Are you sick?”

It was his grandfather. No surprise. Feliciano and Giorgio could sleep through an earthquake.

“Go away!”

“Why are you crying? Does it hurt somewhere?”

Fuck, was he crying? He had felt so horrible that he hadn't even noticed. Embarrassed, he wiped at his eyes and hoped that his grandfather would think it was only because he had just thrown up.

“There's nothing wrong with me. Leave me alone!”

But true to form, his grandfather didn't go anywhere. He grouched before him on the floor and pressed one hand on his forehead. His touch was cool and comforting, and Lovino closed his eyes with a sigh.

“Hmm. You're burning up. Maybe you've got fever.”

“No, I don't. I just feel like shit.”

“Did you drink too much? You don't usually get sick because of a little wine.”

He had drunk more than his grandfather knew, but even that wasn't enough to make him ill under normal circumstances.

“Ngh,” he groaned and shoved his grandfather's hand away. “I'm okay. Stop making a fuss and go back to bed.”

“Same to you. Oh, and you're not going to work tomorrow, so feel free to sleep in.”

“What, why not the hell not? I don't want to stay home all day!”

His grandfather's hands were suddenly back on his face, squeezing his cheeks. “Oh, you poor thing! You really must be sick! Normally it's so hard to get you to do anything useful, and now you actually _want_ to go to work!”

Lovino tried to object, but it was hard to speak with his face being squished. His grandfather was right; in any other situation he would have liked nothing more than getting to stay in bed all day. But now he desperately needed something to distract him, and work was the best option.

“But really, you can't go to work. If you've caught some kind of a stomach bug, we can't let you close to the gelato.”

“If I've got one, don't you think you've already caught it since you've been pawing me all this time?”

“Hmm...” His grandfather frowned in thought before his face brightened. “Then I'll just stay home, too! Feliciano and Giorgio can look after the shop tomorrow.”

“They'd have it, too! And I'm not sick. I just had a really dumb nightmare that made me upset.”

“Oh? About what?”

“None of your business.” Lovino struggled up to his feet. He saw himself in the mirror and realised it was no wonder his grandfather thought he was ill. He was pale, and his hair had turned into a sticky mess. Maybe he'd feel better if he took a shower before he went back to bed.

“What time is it anyway?” he asked.

“About two. Get back to bed. I'll tell Giorgio to trade shifts with you so that you can sleep in.”

Lovino accepted the offer with a grunt. He could use the sleep, he figured.

“Now get to bed!” his grandfather said and gave him a shove that sent him stumbling out the door. “We can talk about your nightmare in the morning.”

“I don't want to talk about it!”

“Sleep well!”

Back in his room, Lovino crawled under the covers and spent a moment listening to the occasional sound of distant traffic outside. He could still taste the remains of the bitterness in his mouth and rolled over to fumble for the mints he kept in his nightstand drawer. As he popped one into his mouth, he thought about the last time he had needed them and felt his stomach lurch in warning.

He wondered if Gilbert was up, too. Probably not. The idiot never worried about anything. He had most likely calmed down and would act like nothing was wrong the next time they saw each other.

Nevertheless, Lovino decided to write him a message. At least then Gilbert wouldn't be able to say he didn't care or that it was okay to run off with the first person who'd take him.

_I want to talk to you tomorrow!! Make sure you've got time for me!_

He stared at the message but didn't send it. Maybe it was too harsh. That was how he usually talked to Gilbert, but maybe he should be softer now that they were having a fight. The last thing he wanted was to make Gilbert even more upset. So, he deleted the message and wrote a new one.

_Can we talk tomorrow? It's important._

Yeah, that was something a mature adult would say, he thought in satisfaction and sent the message. Just doing that made him feel a little better, and he slept well for the rest of the night.

***

Lovino slept almost until noon without anything bothering his sleep. There was nobody else at home when he woke up, but when he entered the kitchen, he saw that his grandfather had popped into a bakery and bought fresh croissants for breakfast. There was also a note for him.

_Feliciano ate your pie, so here's something else. Giorgio is covering for you, so you don't have to come to work until the afternoon._

Lovino snorted at the note, but it was nice his grandfather was thinking about him. He ate one of the croissants even though he wasn't really hungry. It tasted okay with the strong coffee he made to get rid of the faint headache at the front of his skull.

His heart skipped a beat when he walked back to his room to get dressed and saw that there was one message for him. From Gilbert. Damn, so much for his peaceful morning, though _not_ getting a reply would have been even worse.

_OK!! But I get off from work reaaaally late tonight, so don't come to my place until half past ten!_

Damn. As he had guessed, Gilbert didn't sound like anything was bothering him. It would take some work to get through his thick skull. At least he'd have the whole day to decide what he was going to say and how so that he wouldn't just blabber incoherent crap and call Gilbert an asshole every other sentence.

His day at work passed quickly enough, and he didn't even have to snap at his grandfather to leave him alone. He asked him about the nightmare only once and didn't push when Lovino said he had everything under control. It was almost suspicious, like he knew something he didn't.

“I'm not coming home for dinner,” Lovino said in the evening when they were almost ready to close the shop.

“Are you staying with Gilbert tonight?”

“I don't know,” Lovino said, feeling a faint wave of unease. “But at least I'm not coming for dinner.” Maybe. It was possible they'd have another fight and Gilbert would kick him out before they had time to eat.

His grandfather patted him on the shoulder. “Have a good time and don't hurry back!”

It was almost exactly half past ten when Lovino arrived at Gilbert's apartment. He wanted to be precise and punctual for once since Gilbert was so anal-retentive about that that it had to be some kind of a fetish. Preparing himself for the ordeal, he turned the spare key in the lock, opened the door and stepped inside.

At once, he was assaulted by the smell of something cooking. Something with tomatoes, basil and garlic, but that was all he could tell.

Gilbert ran from the kitchen, holding a wooden spoon and wearing an apron that looked like he had just killed someone and was in the middle of cutting up the body.

“Hey! What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean? You said I could come!”

“Yeah, but I didn't expect you yet! You're always at least half an hour late! I'm not ready!”

“Ready with what?” Lovino walked past Gilbert to take a look at what was bubbling on the stove. Like he had guessed, it was tomato sauce. Next to it, there was another pot with spaghetti. Gilbert had put the pasta into the water before it was boiling, even though Lovino had told him a million times it was a sin, but he kept his mouth shut and didn't complain.

“You don't usually cook,” he said instead.

Gilbert laughed nervously and pointed the spoon at him like a pistol. “Yeah, well today I felt like it! You just relax and wait because this is going to be the best!”

Lovino sat down at the small table in the corner. With Gilbert's apartment being so small, he didn't have room for a table that seated more than three people. It always made Lovino feel a little claustrophobic since he liked big family dinners. 

The setting was fancier than usual. It was the first time he saw napkins on Gilbert's dinner table.

“Anyway, about yesterday – ” he started, but Gilbert immediately shushed him into silence.

“No, stop! No talking before eating!”

“Alright, fine.” Lovino leaned his head on his knuckles and watched Gilbert scurry around in the kitchen. It was clear he didn't cook often, or at least not this kind of food. Every few minutes, he had to run to his laptop where he had a recipe site open. His hands moved clumsily and slowly.

Seeing Gilbert work had a calming effect on Lovino. Because if he was cooking for him, that had to mean he wasn't mad anymore. Maybe this was his way of apologizing? Hell, maybe he had realised he had acted like a dick after all.

The food was ready some fifteen minutes later. It was alright, or at least much better than Lovino had expected.

“Great, huh? I could totally work as a chef!” Gilbert said.

Yeah, maybe this passed as great Italian cooking... in Germany. Lovino shoved another forkful into his mouth to keep himself from saying it. The atmosphere was nice; he shouldn't ruin it. If he just managed to hold his tongue for a little longer, everything would turn out fine.

“It's good,” he said.

“Good?” Gilbert repeated, like he wasn't sure he had heard right.

“Y-yeah! Okay, it's great! How much do you want me to praise it?”

“That's not it! I just thought... Normally, you always find something to complain about everything! Why are you being so reserved tonight? What are you hiding?”

“Well, I –”

“Keep in mind that a real man always gets up when he falls! Think of it like a football match where the other team scores a goal, but that doesn't mean you should give up on yours! I know I was an asshole yesterday, but give me another chance!”

“You talk like you're expecting me to dump you!”

“Last night you said you would if I did something like that again. And now you haven't called me a bastard a single time even though you must be so mad! I know the signs when someone's trying to soften the blow.”

“Sheesh!” Lovino took a long gulp of his juice. “Is that why you prettied up the table and made me dinner?”

“Yeah! Nothing like great food to remind you what a fantastic catch I am! So just in case you're doubting your choice –”

“Quit the crap. I came here to talk, but that's no reason to start freaking out.”

“How do you expect me to react when you're being so weird?”

“I'm trying to be mature!”

Gilbert leaned back against his chair in a much more relaxed manner. “Oh, good. Here I thought you were starting to think about trading me for a more experienced boyfriend who's already past all this self-discovery shit. Hehe, I don't know what I was thinking. Guess I just wanted to save you from making a big mistake. Even like this, I'm the best in the market!”

Lovino snorted and shoved more food into his mouth.

“Are you still mad at me?” Gilbert asked. “No, wait! Don't say anything! I'm going to apologize, but bear in mind that this is something I don't have to do very often, so I'm a little rusty.”

“There's no need to make a fucking spectacle out of it. Just say you're sorry if you mean it.”

“Of course I do! You think I would admit I did something wrong if I didn't mean it?”

“Tch, I guess not.”

“Right! Anyway, I did some thinking last night and today and I figured that what I did wasn't... I mean... ugh! This sucks! It's so hard to say I fucked up! But I'm super sorry that said that stuff. I didn't mean it. I just had to come up with something to say really fast.”

“All you had to do was say no. Everything else was unnecessary and dumb.”

“I know! But I kind of panicked. And I'm the kind of guy who always goes for a headshot, so I overdid it a little.” Gilbert squirmed on his seat. “I just really, really didn't want them to find out.”

Lovino pointed his fork accusingly at him. “Loud denial is way more suspicious than keeping your shit together, dumbass.”

“And you just keep rubbing this to my face. That's not fair! Do you like watching me suffer?”

In some other situation, Lovino would have said yes, and it wouldn't even have been a lie. It was entertaining to see Gilbert struggle and work hard at something. But this wasn't fun, and he wasn't even going to pretend that he was enjoying a single moment of it.

“No,” he said. “And don't think you're the only one here who knows how to apologize! I'm sorry, too. I know you don't want to tell your friends yet, so I should have tried to be a little more reasonable, even if the whole thing is pissing me off.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really! What is it that you don't get?”

“It's just that you were so mad last night that I thought you'd never calm down. You said you might dump me if I did it again. It's not like I think you'd _really_ want to get rid of me, but a guy's got to cover all the bases, right? And that's why I promise I'm never going to hurt you again!”

“Hmph! Don't make promises you can't keep.”

Gilbert's face fell at his words. “You could at least pretend you have some faith in me. I've got a lot myself, but I could use some backup.”

“No, I meant – Fuck, what's wrong with you tonight? I know I said I'd dump you, but I didn't mean it for real! I was mad. I still don't like that you said that shit, but I made a mistake, too, so as far as I'm concerned, we're done with this!”

“Oh. Oh, that's great! Haha, I guess my food did mellow you out after all! Success!”

Lovino rolled his eyes and wondered if Gilbert had really thought he'd leave him in a fit of rage, just like that. If so, then he hadn't been much of a boyfriend. Sometimes it was just so hard for him to show how much he cared, so veiling everything in insults and contempt became tempting.

“O-okay, listen,” he started, “I'm being serious here. If we had signed a contract when we got together, I'm sure there would have been a fine print saying that we're going to fuck up all the damn time. I knew that when I got into this. I'm not going to be eternally mad at you just for being yourself. Just... just don't hurt me on purpose. Show me you're sorry and try not to do it again. That's all I want, dammit. You had better manage at least that much!”

Gilbert slammed his hands on the table in excitement. “Piece of cake! Leave it to me! Because I figured something out last night! 

“And what was that?”

“That even if I'm a tiny bit worried that my friends will freak out and stop talking to me, it would bother me even more if you did.” Gilbert's eagerness was gone as quickly as it had appeared. It probably wasn't easy for him to admit something like that. Reluctance to show their emotional weak spots was something they had in common, even if their attempts to hide them were so different.

“You're an idiot,” Lovino said. “But, hell, that's okay. I guess that if you didn't worry about that, then I'd actually have some reason to reconsider dating you. Just... enough with this. I was an asshole, too.”

“Okay,” Gilbert agreed, and for the first time that evening, he sounded genuinely happy. Lovino couldn't help but envy his ability to put his mistakes and problems behind him and move on, just like that. 

“Oh, right! I've got something to show you,” Gilbert continued.

He got up and walked to the couch where he sat down and picked up a piece of paper. He waved it at Lovino. 

“Come over here!”

“I'm not done eating!”

“You've had enough. I've got a surprise for you!”

“Tch, fine! The spaghetti's gone cold anyway since you kept yapping for so long.”

Lovino joined Gilbert on the couch and crossed his arms on his chest. He'd barely had the time to sit down before Gilbert lunged at him and pushed him down on his back, then climbed over his knees to sit on his thighs.

“Hey! What the hell?”

“Just how are we going to celebrate making up if all we can do is hold hands over the table? The couch is much better!”

“You tricked me!”

“No, I really do have something to show you. But it can wait.”

“Ugh, no sex right after dinner. Get off me!” Lovino tried to move his legs to shove Gilbert to the floor, but the other was too heavy and he too lazy to put up much of a struggle. In the end, he settled with scrunching up his face in displeasure and glaring at Gilbert.

“Who said anything about sex? I just want to sit on you.”

“You're too heavy. But what was it that you wanted to show me?”

“This!”

Gilbert turned over the piece of paper in his hand so that Lovino could see what was printed on the other side. It was an electronic plane ticket from Rome to Berlin and back, though it took him a moment to realise that since he had never flown and didn't know what printable tickets looked like.

“So what? You printed out your ticket. What's that to me?”

“Haha, now you're the dumbass! Look closer; it's not mine.”

Lovino followed Gilbert's finger as it moved to the part where the passenger's name was written.

VARGAS/LOVINO

“What?” he bellowed and snatched the piece of paper from Gilbert. “What the hell is this?”

“I called Ludi last night and asked him if there's room for one more guest at the wedding. And then I bought the ticket! Awesome surprise, huh?”

“But why? I thought you wouldn't even ask me to come because –” Lovino drifted off and moved his eyes from the ticket to Gilbert's self-satisfied face. “Fuck, no. You said you wouldn't come out to your family until after the wedding. If you think I'm letting you do it before you're ready just to make up for what happened at the party –”

“No, no, that's not it! I've got a plan.”

“Ugh, it's probably shit.”

“Just hear me out! Look, if I just show up one day with you and say, 'Mum, Dad, this is my hot Italian boyfriend!' they might be a little shocked. But if I introduce you as my awesome friend who has been helping me out a lot and made me get back in contact with them, they'll instantly like you and start telling me to forget about women and date you instead! And then we go, 'Surprise! Already a couple!' We can avoid all the drama!”

“Are you kidding me? Going to another place as friends? And what'll happen if some cousin or uncle of yours asks why you brought me along? Are you going to turn us into a joke again?”

“I've learned my lesson! I won't screw up like that again.”

“They'll guess right away. It's too suspicious.”

“We can tell everyone you and Ludi became such close friends while he was here that he just had to invite you.” Gilbert took the ticket from him and tossed it to the floor so that Lovino could no longer try to press holes into it with his fingers. “I promise that if someone asks, I'll tell them the truth. No strings attached.”

“No, that's... that's not the problem. I didn't get mad because you didn't tell your friends about us. It was because you were a dick. I don't want you to do anything dumb out of guilt and get into trouble with your family. You think I want to see you hurt because of me, stupid?”

“But I already paid for the ticket!”

“You should have asked me first! You don't even know if I can get time off from work!”

“Don't worry. I called your gramps. He said yes right away. See, I _can_ think ahead!”

“Fuck you. You can't make me go if I say no.”

Gilbert's face fell, and Lovino got the sudden feeling that he had put an empty bowl of food in front of a starving dog. Still, this was a dumb idea. It wasn't that he didn't want to meet Gilbert's family, but he wouldn't be able to live with himself if Gilbert hurried things for his sake.

“Think about it,” he said and brought his hands up Gilbert's arms as far as he could reach. “If something goes wrong, it could ruin the wedding. You really want to mess up your brother's most important day, huh?”

“No, but –”

“And if there's a scene, your family will just hate us both for it. And then you'll hate _me_ because you'll think that I pressured you into it! You'll – mmph!”

He was cut off when Gilbert pressed his hand to his mouth and leaned down to glare at him.

“Stop dissing my plan. It'll work,” he said. He removed his hand, and Lovino was ready to spit out more objections. However, he only got a few syllables out before Gilbert's silenced him with a kiss. That was enough to make him forget whatever he had been about to say; Gilbert kissing him after all that anger and worrying was the best feeling in the world.

“Stupid,” he grumbled, even as he moved his hands to Gilbert's hair now that he could reach it. “Don't think you can convince me with kissing. You aren't good enough.”

“Who said anything about convincing? I just wanted to kiss you.”

“Sweet-talking won't work either!”

“Come on! Why not? I thought you'd love to come! Don't you want to see my folks?”

“Of course I do! But I already told you this idea sucks. You shouldn't get into trouble just because you want to make me happy.”

Gilbert flicked him on the nose. “Haha, you always tell me I make everything about myself, and look at you! I'm not doing this for your sake. It's for us! This whole mess with Emilio and the others made me realise how great it would be if I could go openly to places with you. I want to start buttering up my family, so come with me!”

“Does it have to be now? Can't you wait?”

“No. I want everything right away. And I have no idea when I'll have time to visit them again, so now's the best chance! It's not like I'm planning to have a full-on gay parade march down the aisle or something! Nobody will suspect anything if I bring a friend along.”

It was tempting, Lovino had to admit. Just a few days before he had been upset that he couldn't go. But that had been before the shitty party, and now he wasn't sure if he wanted to go to another place as Gilbert's friend. Gilbert could say whatever he wanted now, but once they were there, surrounded by his family, the pressure to deny everything would be much harder than at Emilio's party. If something went wrong, Lovino couldn't just walk home. He'd be stuck there, right in the middle of the shitstorm.

“I don't know...”

“You don't have to decide now. Think it over!”

“Yeah, after you already bought the plane ticket and organized me time off from work? Not a lot of choices here.”

“Don't be so negative! Think of all the fun things we can do! I'll show you around Berlin and we'll go to all my favourite places and eat great food and get drunk at the wedding! I'm organizing Ludi's bachelor party, and it's going to rock! You can try out some real beer!”

“Ugh, yuck. You're just making me want to stay home even more!”

“Chocolate! Sausages! Me!”

It was difficult not to get excited when Gilbert was like that, grinning from ear to ear and bouncing up and down on his thighs. He was so confident and hopeful that Lovino didn't know if he'd have the heart to say no again. He wanted to believe that they'd have a great time in Berlin, too. But he was also scared that everything would go wrong. Gilbert had been just as excited about the birthday party.

If he went along with this, wouldn't he just be giving him another chance to hit him where it hurt the most? It would be dumb to say yes after Gilbert had screwed up a nearly identical situation only the day before. 

On the other hand, wasn't that exactly what he should do? If he really believed Gilbert was sorry and had learned his lesson, shouldn't he trust him? If something did go wrong, he wouldn't have to deal with it alone. Gilbert would be there.

“Okay. Fine. Let's go,” he said.

“Yes! You won't regret it!”

“I hope so! I'm making the ultimate sacrifice and setting foot on German soil, so it had better be good!”

“It will. I promise!” Gilbert leaned down to kiss him again, and it didn't take long before Lovino found himself responding with the same eagerness. He knew he'd probably hate himself for saying yes in the morning, but for now seeing Gilbert so happy was worth all the migraines in the world.


	40. Chapter 40

Lovino stayed at Gilbert's place for the night. They squeezed themselves on his bed and tried to sleep comfortably and not kick or push each other to the floor. Lovino had no memory of doing either, but Gilbert woke him up at four and said it was revenge for the bruises he was sure his shins were going to get.

“It's not my fault your bed is so damn small! Buy a bigger one!”

“Yours is bigger, and you still kick me when I stay over! Look, you kicked me right here!” 

Lovino strained his tired eyes in an attempt to see something when Gilbert's shoved his leg to his face.

“I can't see anything. Stop being so loud and let me go back to sleep.” He threw the covers over his head and curled up to enjoy the warmth of the bed. Giorgio had sent him a message and asked if he could switch with him again. Apparently, he had found a new girlfriend and wanted to go out with her every evening. Lovino was more than happy to work the later shift in exchange for getting to sleep in.

“Hey! You need to give me a kiss before I go to work! For luck!”

“Go brush your teeth first.”

“Right back at you. But you can kiss my leg instead. Here!” Gilbert tore the covers from Lovino and lifted his leg again, balancing on one foot.

“Ugh, leave me alone. I'm not kissing your leg!”

They spent a moment arguing back and forth until eventually Gilbert gave up – except that he called it a victory even as Lovino turned his back to him and pulled the covers up to his chin because he said he'd make him kiss a much better spot when he got back from work.

By the time Gilbert closed the front door after himself and left, Lovino was already back asleep. He woke up a couple of hours later but stayed in bed, enjoying the knowledge that he didn't have to be anywhere and that he could stay in _Gilbert's_ bed for as long as he wanted.

After a while, his body reminded him that he hadn't had his coffee yet, so he made his way to the kitchen. He sat down to enjoy his cup on the couch, and that was when he noticed the piece of paper they had left on the floor the previous evening. He picked it up and glared at it, feeling his stomach clench with unease.

Right, he had promised Gilbert he'd come to Ludwig and Kateryna's wedding. He wasn't so sure of that anymore. He wanted to go, but he wasn't looking forward to all the hiding and lying and stress. If Gilbert had been able to introduce him as his boyfriend, he would have been all over the wedding, but this wasn't what he wanted.

But he had promised and there was no taking it back anymore. Seeing Gilbert's face fall in disappointment had a stronger effect on him that he was ready to admit. Fuck it, he'd just have to go along with it and try to make the best of it.

He took a shower and spent some more time lazing around, but it wasn't fun to stay in Gilbert's apartment when he wasn't there. It didn't feel welcoming, like he didn't really fit among the tidily organized magazines and shiny kitchen sink with no dirty dishes insight. Everything was the opposite of Lovino's idea of a home.

“He probably learned all this shit from his parents. I bet it's going to be even worse there,” he muttered as he put on his jacket.

When he came home, Feliciano was enjoying breakfast in the kitchen. He was dressed in nothing but his boxers, though the only noteworthy thing about that was that he normally liked to walk around the house naked. It was an unusually chilly morning, so Lovino guessed that was to thank for the change.

“You want coffee? I made two cups, but I don't think I want the other one.”

“Yeah, you don't. You're hyper enough without any caffeine.” 

Lovino took a seat on the other side of the table and tore out a piece from Feliciano's sandwich. 

“Hey! That's mine!”

“Too bad. You should take better care of it if it's so important to you.”

“You're mean!”

“Stop whining. Oh, and that dumbass romantic holiday you wanted to take in Seychelles just might happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“That I'm going to that damn wedding after all, so you're going to have to fill in for me like you suggested.”

“Great! I told you! Now you can get to know Gilbert's family!”

“As if I don't have enough problems in my life already.”

Feliciano frowned in confusion. “Like what?”

“Well... stuff!”

“But I thought you wanted to go?”

Yeah, back when he had been sure he wouldn't get to. It had been easy to complain and talk big because he hadn't had to deal with any of the issues attending the wedding would raise. Now he had to, and he wasn't sure if he was ready.

“Tch, I just don't know if it's going to be worth the trouble.”

“If you don't want to go, I will! I want to say hello to Ludwig and Kati!”

“You can't. The plane ticket is under my name.”

“I'll just take your passport and scrunch up my face when I go through the customs. Everyone will think I'm you!” Feliciano illustrated his words by making an expression as if he had just smelled something horrible.

“Fuck you! I don't look like that!”

“Hehe!”

“You'd blurt out something so stupid right off the bat that everyone would realise it's you and not me.”

“But they've never met you before, so they have no idea what you're like. If I was myself, they'd just think that Lovino Vargas is really charming and handsome and friendly. Hey, maybe you _should_ send me in your place!”

“I don't need you to make a good impression! And they'd just think I'm the dumbest person in the whole fucking world.”

“I wonder if I could trick Ludwig...”

Bickering with Feliciano made Lovino feel a little more confident about the whole thing. In the past, he supposed he would have wondered if Gilbert's family would like Feliciano better than him. Some part of him still had that passing thought, but a much bigger part just didn't give a shit. He hadn't come this far to let anyone else's opinion ruin his life. If something went wrong in Germany, he'd just bring Gilbert back to Italy where they'd live the rest of their lives eating good food and having great sex. Anyone who had a problem with that could go to hell.

***

Time flew, and before Lovino properly realised it, there were only a few days before they were set to fly to Germany. They would arrive about half a week before the wedding because Gilbert wanted to help with the last minute preparations and because he wanted to throw Ludwig an awesome bachelor party – and that apparently involved a beer fountain, so it couldn't be at last minute or Ludwig wouldn't be able to stand on his own at the altar.

“Nice suitcase,” Gilbert commented on the black bag Lovino had bought earlier that day.

“I wanted to get a better one, but these things are damn expensive. But I guess it's good enough since I'm just taking some clothes.”

“Mine's even better! Look!” Gilbert showed him his suitcase that was neon green and had a big, yellow chick on both sides.

“That's hideous!”

“I can tell that you've never flown before. When we go get the baggage, you're going to be stuck there forever trying to tell your suitcase apart from a million others just like it. But I'll recognise mine right away!”

“Yeah, because nobody else has such shitty taste!”

Gilbert hugged the suitcase protectively against his chest. “It's cute! I call it Gilcase.”

Lovino rolled his eyes but didn't continue the argument. Expecting Gilbert to act his age was like hoping that mozzarella made outside Italy would taste decent.

“I just talked to mum today, and she said you're going to stay in Ludi's old room. Try not to make a mess, and you should make your bed every morning right after you get up,” Gilbert said.

“What, do your parents run a prison or something?”

“No, but I'm just trying to make sure they'll like you right away. I mean, it's so annoying when the bed isn't made. It only takes half a minute, and yet you still leave it a mess whenever you're staying over and get up after me. Every time! It drives me crazy!”

“It's just a bed. It won't break if it's not made!”

“It's the tiny things in life that matter the most!”

“Ugh, fine. I'll make the stupid bed. Anything else?”

“I could make you a list if you want.”

“Hell, no! I'm not going to start acting all German just to please them.” That, and getting a list would just emphasize how different he was from everyone in Gilbert's family and make him freak out about meeting them. He didn't need anyone to tell him that he was subhuman because he often forgot to put the cork back on the tube of toothpaste. He had decided he wasn't going to care, so he _wasn't._

“Yeah, I guess that would defeat the point of having a hot Italian boyfriend. And speaking of that...” Gilbert put his suitcase aside and came to sit with Lovino on the couch. “Who knows if we'll have any chances to have fun once we're in Berlin, so we should get our fill while we still have a place just to ourselves! Let's make out!”

“You make it sound like it's a mechanical performance like putting on your shoes before you go out. What if I'm not in the mood?”

“I'll make you get in the mood!”

“Tch, as if. There isn't a sexy bone in your body.” Lovino shoved Gilbert off the couch and lied down, taking the whole length of it for himself.

“And yet you're practically offering yourself to me like that.”

“I just want to take a nap.”

“Not for long. I'm going to climb on you and have you so hot and bothered you'll be begging me!”

Lovino snorted. “Yeah, for you to get your weight off me so that I can breathe.”

“Haha, yeah, I guess smothering you isn't the best way to take your breath away.” Gilbert remained on the floor, but Lovino could feel him rest his chin on his leg. There was something that had been on his mind for a while, but that he hadn't wanted to talk about. But now that Gilbert had already brought up sex, why the heck not?

“So, we've been together for something like over a month, right?”

“Yeah? Best time of your life, huh?”

“Shut up, idiot. That's not the point.” Lovino was glad Gilbert was sitting on the floor because he wasn't sure if he'd be able to talk about this if he had to look straight at him. He hadn't had to discuss it with Heracles; things had just developed naturally between them. But he had been with Gilbert for a while now, and the dumbass had never once even mentioned it. His patience was running out.

“Then what?”

“It's just... When are you going to fuck me?”

Gilbert lifted himself up on his elbows. “What?”

“You know what I'm talking about! Because if I have to explain this shit to you –”

“No, I know! I'm just surprised you're bringing it up.”

“Why?”

“See, I once dated this chick who was curious about anal sex, so we tried it, but we had to stop because she said it hurt so much. I figured you wouldn't be into it since you cry like a baby just when you get bit by a horsefly, and because you never said anything, I thought –”

“Horseflies are straight from hell! They don't count! And sounds to me like you suck at sex. I hope she dumped you and found someone better right after!”

“You could have said that you wanted that kind of sex and we could have tried it right away! I can do anything at least once!”

“I was waiting for you to suggest it. But you never did, so I thought you weren't ready or had some stupid hang-up about it. Or that you just didn't want to. I mean, if that's it, that's okay. Not everyone's into that, but I guess I should at least ask and... stuff.”

Lovino gritted his teeth and tried to will his face into not turning as red as his embarrassment merited. He'd never had to ask shit like this, but it looked like this was the only way to get shit done with Gilbert. Thankfully, when he glanced down at him, he could see awkward splotches of colour on his face, too.

“I just think it sounds weird,” Gilbert said with a chuckle. “You really like having a dick up your ass?”

“What the fuck kind of question is that?” Lovino grabbed a handful of Gilbert's hair and tugged. “I wouldn't ask if I didn't!”

“Ow! Let go! I just can't imagine it being that good!”

“I should show you!” Lovino let go of Gilbert's hair and began to poke him on the forehead. “But you should do me first. A stupid thickhead like you won't get it otherwise.” That, and being on the receiving end was more fun, but like hell was he going to say that out loud.

“You mean, like, right now?”

“No. We're flying to Berlin the day after tomorrow. That's going to be an ordeal enough already, and the last thing I need is a sore ass if you mess up and can't do it right.”

“I bet I could do it perfectly!”

“Oh, like with that girlfriend that dumped you because you sucked?”

“That's not why she left! And I didn't suck!”

Lovino snorted and moved his hand to scratch Gilbert behind the ear. “We can see about that when we get back to Rome. Right now I want to focus on meeting your family and surviving the wedding without starting any new family feuds.”

“Does that mean we can't have any sex tonight? I was getting excited here!”

“I'm tired from packing.”

“You haven't even started yet!”

“Just thinking about it is making me exhausted. Ugh, I hate travelling. I want a nap. Let's go to bed.”

“You had better not be such a wet noodle when we get to Berlin because I'm going to be dragging you all over the place every free moment we have.”

“Just as long as we don't start before noon. Otherwise you'll have to carry me.”

“Is that how you're going to impress my parents? Everyone in my family always gets up at five.”

Lovino groaned. “And now you tell me? Fuck you! If I had known, I would have gone to a hotel. You've tricked me into entering your disgusting German torture dungeon!”

“Hehe, I wish.”

“For that, I'm taking the fluffier pillow tonight, asshole.”

“Sure, all yours. Heck, have both! A tough guy like me can sleep without!”

They bickered a little more until Lovino could tell that if he spent a moment longer on the couch, listening to Gilbert's babbling, he was going to fall asleep where he was. It had happened once before and he'd spent the following day spitting curses at everyone because of his aching back. Gilbert must have found his couch in a dumpster.

“I want to go to bed,” he said.

“Then go. It's only a few metres.”

That was too long. When Lovino was swaying on the line between sleep and awareness, any task was bothersome and irritated him. He wondered if Gilbert would carry him if he whined loud enough.

Somehow, he was able to make it on his own two feet anyway and collapsed on the bed, thinking it felt like heaven after the crappy couch. His eyelids were heavy, and he inhaled the scent of the pillow as he buried his face into it.

“Aren't you going to take off your clothes?” Gilbert asked.

“Too tired.”

“Bullshit. You're going to wake up in the middle of the night and wake me up with your kicking and whining when you're feeling uncomfortable and hot. Off with the clothes!”

Gilbert crawled to the end of the bed and began to take off Lovino's socks. Once done with them, he turned him over to his back so that he could get his fly open and start pulling his trousers off him. Lovino didn't protest, only grunted in annoyance whenever he thought Gilbert was being too rough.

“You should get turned on when I'm undressing you, but you're almost asleep!” Gilbert complained, folding Lovino's trousers neatly before placing them on the floor.

Lovino let out a sleepy hum and closed his eyes. He tried not to squirm when Gilbert began to unbutton his shirt. He wasn't ticklish, but Gilbert's fingers brushing against his skin was distracting enough to make him a little more alert.

This could be the last time they slept in the same bed for a while, he realised. Once they were in Berlin, they'd be lucky to do more than hold hands when they were sure nobody was looking. Lovino didn't know if he wanted to risk even that. There was too much at stake.

Gilbert was just about to start yanking his arms out of his sleeves when Lovino shook his hands off and reached for his neck to pull him down to a kiss.

“What's this? I thought you were tired?” Gilbert said.

“I am. Stop asking dumb questions and hurry! I want you to come here already and sleep with me.”

“Take off your shirt yourself, then. That's faster.” Gilbert plopped down on the mattress by his side and dug his way under the covers.

Lovino grumbled but did so, tossing the shirt impatiently to the floor. With that out of the way, he joined Gilbert under the covers. He was glad the bed was narrower than his since it made it possible to snuggle up closer to Gilbert without having to explain it or feel embarrassed about it.

“Promise me one thing, or I'll change my mind and not come with you,” he said.

“Sure. What?”

“If something goes wrong... Like, if someone finds out and acts like an asshole or something like that, let's not fight. No matter what happens, it's not our fault, and I don't want to fight about this shit again.”

“Yeah, of course! But nothing's going to go wrong. Stop fretting already. You're ten times more worried than me, and I'm the one who's facing the possibility of getting disowned.”

Lovino gave Gilbert a soft kick. “With that attitude, you're just inviting problems!”

“Haha, and you've already decided that it'll be a disaster! Look, they took me back after I got into trouble with my company and disappeared after Ludi paid off my debts. They won't give me shit because of you.” Gilbert reached out to pat Lovino's stomach. “It'll be great. You'll see. Everyone will be too busy with the wedding to pay any attention to us. And this one time I'm ready to stay out of the much deserved spotlight since it's Ludi's big day!”

“Tch, how noble.”

“Yeah, I'm the best brother ever, aren't I? For that, I should get another kiss.”

Lovino couldn't decide what he wanted more, to give Gilbert that damn kiss or pinch the other's nose shut because he couldn't babble and breathe through his mouth at the same time. He thought about doing both, but when he went for the kiss he decided he didn't want to settle for just one. Gilbert needed to breathe somehow, so he forgot about the nose. Besides, kissing was a more fun way of shutting him up anyway.

***

Flying sucked. Lovino made up his mind even before they took off, and his opinion was confirmed as the plane rattled on the runway before rising into the air, making his heart jump and his ears pop. For a moment he was sure he was going to die. Why had he agreed to this?

“Hehe, scared?” Gilbert asked.

“Go to hell,” Lovino hissed at him.

“Here, you can hold my hand if you want!”

“Hmph!”

“That wasn't a no”, Gilbert said and grabbed his fingers. “Man, I love flying. Living away from home gives me a great excuse to fly as much as I want!”

Lovino snorted in response. There was no turning back now. He was going to end up in Germany and meet Gilbert's family. He wasn't panicking yet, but he knew the urge to run away would grow stronger as the decisive moment neared.

Earlier that day, Feliciano had told him he was worrying over nothing and that Gilbert's family was probably great. After all, Ludwig was part of it, and he was a nice guy. Lovino hoped he was right, but for now all he could do was fret and whine.

“I hate this. Once this is over, I'm never flying again.”

“Oh, then are we going to stay in Germany for the rest of our lives? Great idea!”

“Ugh! That's...You're stupid!” Lovino caught himself just before he said he'd rather die than live in Germany. He was trying to make things work out, and telling Gilbert his home country was shit wasn't a good way to go about it. There were other things for him to keep in mind, too, such as not sulking when Gilbert spoke German with someone and he didn't understand a word, or when he spent a lot of time with his relatives and friends. He guessed there was something positive about suffering from moments of crippling insecurity all his life. At least he knew what his biggest flaws were and could work on them.

The man who was sitting by his side on the aisle seat kept sending disapproving glances to their direction. Lovino hoped it was just because they were being loud. He wanted to snap something at him, but he didn't want to risk getting into a fight in a cramped space where he couldn't run away. The other passengers probably wouldn't appreciate him locking himself into the toilet for the entire flight.

“We could take a train through the Alps on our way back if you want,” Gilbert suggested.

“Dumbass, we already paid for the plane tickets!”

“Some other time, then. It's not like this will be our last trip to Germany.”

“Yeah,” Lovino agreed. He certainly hoped so. Not because he was particularly fond of German beer or food or people or _anything_ , but he wanted to believe they'd still be welcome after the wedding was over.


	41. Chapter 41

There was nobody to pick them up at the airport. Gilbert said that his father had asked if he should come but that he had told him they'd take the bus. It was so that they could share their first moments in Berlin together without pretending to be just friends, he explained. Lovino was glad. This way, he didn't have to live through two shocks at once – arriving in Germany and meeting Gilbert's father.

He couldn't decide whether his first impression of Germany was positive or negative. It wasn't that he had thought he'd keel over from just breathing the air, and Gilbert had prepared him for the snow by showing him pictures of it. Nevertheless, he didn't like how the cold air bit into his skin, but once they made it away from the airport, the white streets and trees looked pretty nice. It had just finished snowing, so everything was still fresh and unsullied by people and traffic.

“You hungry? We could get some currywurst before we go home,” Gilbert suggested.

Lovino didn't really want to. He was so nervous he thought he might puke if he ate anything, especially something that his stomach wasn't used to. But Gilbert had been pointing out buildings and streets all through the bus ride, smiling and looking at him to check if his reactions were impressed enough. He was so stupidly excited and wanted him to love everything.

“Sure. It can't be worse than the shit on the plane,” he said.

“Great! Let's go to Kreuzberg. There's a really good place there. We can take the underground from the main station.”

Lovino let Gilbert lead him. He was pretty sure he would have been lost without him. Not because it was difficult to move around. Everything was neat and organized compared to what he was used to, and the bus actually announced every stop that was coming in advance – the same couldn't be said for many buses in Rome. The problem was that all the names looked and sounded like Schrkrönschzt to him and it took him such a long time to make sense of anything that he would have missed their stop without Gilbert's help.

Gilbert bought them both a sausage with ketchup, and they sat down on a park bench to eat them. To his surprise, Lovino found that he liked the food. Eating helped him relax a little, and he decided to take the sausage as a promising sign. Maybe everything would go well.

“Great, huh? I bet that's the best sausage you've ever had!”

“Hmph, sure.” Sausage wasn't a matter of national pride, so he might just as well say that to make Gilbert happy. “Is it a long way to where your family lives?”

“Nah, some twenty minutes by a local train. Do you want to get going?”

“Yeah, I'm tired of dragging the baggage with me. And I'm freezing my ass off.”

The train ride was one of the most uncomfortable in Lovino's entire life. A heavy, tight mass of emotion began to gather at the bottom of his stomach and made him regret he had eaten the whole sausage. Gilbert was nervous, too. He babbled and babbled about the most unnecessary things, like silence was physically hurting him.

“Calm down,” Lovino said and lifted his foot on Gilbert's knee from across him. “You're going to dislocate your jaw or something. I thought you were the one who said there's no reason to worry.”

“Haha, who says I'm worried?”

“I do. Stop before I have to do something.”

“Like what?”

“I don't know. Hold your hand or some shit. But I guess there could be neighbours or something on this train, so maybe I shouldn't.”

“Yeah, we should probably be careful.” Gilbert fidgeted with his fingers, as if he was actually thinking about grabbing Lovino's hand. “You know what, though?”

“What?”

“The only person I know who speaks Italian is my cousin Vash, and he's not in Berlin yet. So if you want to say something, I don't know, encouraging to me, there's nothing stopping you. Italian could be our secret code for those moments you just can't resist telling me that you want my sexy body!”

“Like I'd ever say that! Don't be stupid. And stop fretting. You were confidence personified before we got on this train, so don't shit your pants now! Everything's going to be fine.”

Gilbert snorted. “I guess that's one way of trying to make me feel better.”

“You know, if you're really worried, there's still time for me to check into a hotel. Heck, I don't even have to come to the wedding. You can tell everyone something came up and I stayed in Italy and –”

“Hey, enough! We aren't going to do that! That's a coward's way out! The only way anyone is staying at a hotel is if everything blows up and my parents kick us both out, and that's not going to happen.”

“Just an idea,” Lovino grumbled, but he was secretly glad. He couldn't imagine anything lonelier than staying alone in a hotel room in a strange country while his boyfriend was off having fun. But he felt he had to at least suggest that.

“Pfft, you think I'd send you off to a hotel after it was my idea that you should come here? You'd never stop complaining if I did that!”

Their bickering might have continued, but Gilbert realised they had to get off at the next stop. They picked up their baggage and hurried out of the train and then the station building, finding themselves by the side of a busy road. They had to cross it, but after that Gilbert led him to a quieter street that made Lovino wonder how the atmosphere could change so quickly.

There were cobblestone pavements on both sides of the street. They in turn were lined by tall oaks and alders that Lovino was sure provided a pleasant shade during summertime. Now, the trees were bare and gloomy. The houses all had gardens with even more trees and were surrounded by fences, each of which had a gate with a lock. Everything had such an unfamiliar sense of privacy. Lovino was used to yelling at his neighbours from the window, but now he felt that their baggage rolling along the icy pavement was making too much noise.

“This place is creepy,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“It just is! It feels like a cemetery.”

“Huh. I guess it's a little quiet. The neighbours always came to complain about me when I was a kid and made too much noise on my bike.”

Finally, they arrived at the right house. It was a white two-storey building with a black roof and much bigger than Lovino had imagined. He supposed it was silly to be surprised. All of Gilbert's talk about his family should have told him that they were pretty well off.

Gilbert had a key for the gate and the front door, so they let themselves in and began to take off their clothes in the entrance hall. As nervous as Lovino was, he was glad to be inside where it was finally warm again.

“Yoohoo!” Gilbert called out. He said something more in German, and after a moment, a man entered from the living room.

Lovino nearly peed his pants. He'd seen photos of Gilbert's father before, but having him stand before him in real life was entirely different. He was taller than he had expected. The pictures didn't do justice to the stern, icy glare of his eyes that made Lovino think fondly of the temperature outside.

“Hey, dad! We're here! This is Lovino!” Gilbert said, switching to English so that Lovino could understand what was going on.

“You were supposed to be here half an hour ago. Have you been loitering around uselessly again?”

“No! I took Lovino out for some sausage!”

Fuck, Lovino thought as those blue eyes turned back on him. He was either going to get murdered right now or his heart would stop from sheer fright. He could only hope Feliciano knew what kind of flowers he wanted at his funeral.

“H-hi,” he managed as a feeble greeting.

Gilbert's father offered him his hand. It took all of Lovino's courage to shake it, and he was sure the other noticed how he was sweating and trembling from head to toe.

“Welcome. Later, you can give me a list of all the trouble Gilbert has caused you, and I'll be sure to discipline him.”

“Dad! I'm not ten anymore! I'm a grown man!”

“You aren't acting like one.”

“Anyway, where's mum?”

“Running errands with Natalya and her mother. I'm sure you'll be hearing from them.”

“Shit, I bet Natalya is mad at me. She's been shouldering all the responsibility of the preparations. But I guess I'll just have to use my irresistible charm on her to calm her down, haha!”

Gilbert grabbed both his and Lovino's suitcase and began to carry them upstairs. “Come on! I'll show you Ludi's room!”

Lovino felt a little better once they were away from Gilbert's father. He stepped into the room Gilbert pointed out for him and threw himself on the chair by the desk.

“Fuck,” he said with a groan. “I bet your dad hates me.”

“What do you mean? That went pretty well! It's easy to tell when he doesn't like someone.”

“Was that killer glare meant to show that he likes me? Tch! I get goosebumps just from thinking back to it.”

“Relax! You can chat with him more over dinner. It's going to be fun!”

Lovino let out a displeased whine, but he knew he had no choice. What would they think of him if he locked himself in Ludwig's room and refused to come out? Maybe, if he got lucky, the others would talk in German over dinner, which would give him the perfect excuse not to participate too much.

The room he was staying in was tidy and organized, just like Gilbert had warned him. The covers on the bed were so straight and smooth that he was afraid of touching them because he knew he'd never get them to look like that again. There were no personal items on the desk, just a few pens and a stack of post-it notes. The bookshelf on the other side of the room only had titles in German, but all the spines looked boring and professional, so Lovino doubted he would have enjoyed the books anyway.

“Is this Ludwig's style, or is it just because he no longer lives here?” he asked.

“A bit of both. I sometimes think he turned out like that because he realised he couldn't compete with me, so it was better to be totally different. But the room is okay, right? Or would you like to stay in mine? It's right behind the wall.”

“Don't be stupid. This is fine. And don't try to sneak in here at night!”

“Nah, I won't. I tried it a million times as a kid when I wanted to sleep in Ludi's bed because he was scared after we watched horror movies together, and dad caught me every time. He's a light sleeper.”

“Or he doesn't sleep at all,” Lovino muttered. There was something almost inhuman about him. Older men with long hair were usually hard for him to take seriously because they looked like hippies past their expiration date, but Gilbert's father somehow managed to appear professional and effective. It was no surprise he was Ludwig's father, but Gilbert must have taken after someone else in the family.

“You want to see my room? It's a lot more interesting!”

Interesting wasn't how Lovino would have described it. While Ludwig's room was nearly ascetic, Gilbert's was full of junk – video games, DVDs, comic books, weird knick-knacks, posters and miniature models of cars and tanks. Everything was in perfect order, however, and he couldn't help but be impressed by how effectively Gilbert had used the limited space.

“There's even more in the storage room. Now that I don't have a place of my own in Germany, all this stuff has to go somewhere,” he explained.

“Can't you just donate it somewhere or throw it away?”

“No! My stuff! I can't get rid of it. There are so many memories.”

“Just don't turn into a hoarder,” Lovino said, though he knew he was hardly in a position to complain. At least Gilbert kept his things organized. It was no rare occurrence for Lovino to find something in his room that he had thought lost years ago.

Gilbert gave him a tour of the rest of the house and showed him the bathroom, the kitchen and the living room. They even had a small library, which was the type of luxury that Lovino wasn't used to. Gilbert's father was there, dusting the shelves, so Lovino didn't step in and only took a peek inside from behind Gilbert's back.

They settled down to watch TV in the living room, which was entirely pointless in Lovino's opinion, since he couldn't understand anything. But he supposed that if he wanted to improve the no doubt horrible first impression he had given, it was better to appear open for socialization instead of hiding upstairs.

The front door opened, followed by the sound of multiple people entering. Even before they stepped into sight, Lovino could tell they were all women. Two of them he recognised from Gilbert's photos – his mother, and Kateryna's sister, Natalya. Remembering what Gilbert's father had said, he guessed the third one could only be Kateryna and Natalya's mother.

“Hey, mum! I'm back home!” Gilbert said and waved from the couch.

Natalya yelled something at him before anyone else could get a word in and marched across the living room, not bothering to take off her winter boots. She grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled hard enough to make Gilbert let out a whine, but he didn't try to fight back. For a moment, she ranted at him like she wanted to bite his head off.

Whatever Gilbert said to her calmed her down enough to make her let go, but the murderous expression didn't go anywhere.

“Now look what kind of a first impression you've made on Lovino. He's scared of you,” Gilbert said.

“Hmph! What do I care what he thinks? All that interests me is that you'll stop lying around and start helping me. My sister's wedding is not going to be ruined because you're so incompetent and lazy!”

“I'll help you! Don't worry!”

“A little too late now! I've already done almost everything!” Natalya moved her glare from Gilbert to Lovino. “What do you bother with him? He's useless.”

“I'm not!”

“And you, you had better do as you promised and come with me tomorrow. There are some last minute decisions we have to make about the reception hall we rented. If you screw this one up, too, I'm cutting off your balls so that you'll never have a wedding of your own.”

Natalya waited for her message to sink in and, once satisfied, turned around and walked back to the hall and left together with her mother.

“Sheesh! She's really uptight today!” Gilbert said.

“You'd be too if you had been working as hard as her,” his mother said, having taken off her winter clothes, and joined them in the living room. She didn't frighten Lovino like Gilbert's father, but he couldn't yet tell if it was because she was nicer or because she was a woman.

“Pfft, she's exaggerating.”

“Oh, then you won't mind that we decided it's your job to take these match boxes we bought, paint them pink, glue some pearls on top and put a heart-shaped candy inside. We need at least a hundred of them.”

“What? That's going to take forever!”

“If you think you can't do it by yourself, you can always ask someone to help you.”

“Ha! A tiny task like that is no match for me! I'll get those candy boxes done in no time!”

“Good boy,” his mother said and patted him on the cheek. Then he turned to Lovino. “And you must be Lovino. It's so nice that you could make it. But I was a little surprised that Ludwig invited someone he has only met once.”

“Right! Mum, that's the guy who's been helping me out a lot. Really nice of Ludi, huh?”

“Nice to meet you,” Lovino said, glad that Gilbert's mother was more approachable than his father. She actually smiled at him, and there was genuine warmth in her eyes that he had failed to detect when he had spoken with her husband.

Dinner was served earlier than Lovino was used to. He'd been half afraid they'd try to feed him sauerkraut or some specific regional dish, but the food was alright. They had mashed potatoes with mild meat sauce and oven vegetables on the side. It was tasty, but he didn't feel hungry enough for dinner yet, and sitting at the same table with Gilbert's father ruined whatever appetite he had.

“Don't you like it?” Gilbert's father asked when he noticed Lovino's plate was still half full.

“No, no! It's not that! Sorry! I love it!”

“We can order something more to your liking. There's a pizza place that –”

“Dad! Are you trying to give him a food poisoning? He's Italian! You can't offer him our pizza!”

Ugh, Gilbert! Lovino wanted to grab a handful of the mashed potatoes and stuff it down is throat. Did he have to make it sound like he was some asshole snob? Sure, he probably wouldn't like whatever cardboard passed as pizza in Germany, but did he have to laugh about it in front of everyone? He was ruining his attempts at being likeable!

“I don't care!” Lovino snapped. “I can eat anything! I don't care what kind of garbage it is, I'll eat it!”

“See? He's fine,” Gilbert's father said.

Lovino wondered what would happen if he hid under the table. He glanced at Gilbert's mother, worried that she had taken his outburst as a sign that he hated her cooking. However, she didn't seem bothered and kept eating like nothing was wrong.

“Wow, this is really good,” he said anyway and smiled at her with all his charm.

“That's nice to hear, but it's not me you have to thank. Albrecht does most of the cooking,” she said and nodded at her husband.

“Oh. Well... uh, it's still good! It's not all that common to find a man who can cook well. Not that there's anything _wrong_ with it. I cook all the time, too! Between Gilbert and me, I usually take care of the cooking because... uh... I mean...”

Silence fell over the table as everyone looked at him and waited for him to finish as he fumbled with his words. Lovino couldn't bear to glance at Gilbert because he was sure he'd break down and have a panic attack if he did.

“Yeah, Lovino usually cooks for me,” Gilbert said when it became clear no comprehensible word was going to leave Lovino's mouth. “And in return, I pick him up and give him a ride to work in the morning and fix whatever gets broken at their house! It's amazing how friendly Italians are! Everyone is helping everyone else like that, especially now that the times are hard, hahaha.”

Lovino forced a smile on his face, but his insides were turning into a knot. This was so obvious. Nobody could fall for that dumb excuse, especially when Gilbert's act was so pathetic. Hell, it just made it worse. Now it was clear they were hiding something, and once they started guessing what it was, they'd reach the correct answer right away.

Shit, he hadn't been in Berlin even for a full day, and everything was already falling apart. He shouldn't have come. 

“Well, that's nice to hear,” Gilbert's mother said. “And what you said reminds me, I've got a favour to ask. Could you go and pick up Roderich and Erzsébet at the airport and take them to their hotel before you go help Natalya tomorrow?”

“Huh?” Gilbert looked like that was the last thing he had been expecting to hear. “Uh, sure.”

“Wonderful! Everything's going so smoothly now that you're back home! I don't know how we managed without you!”

“Hahaha...” Gilbert's laughter was unusually weak for someone who loved praise and attention and had just got both. 

Lovino couldn't bring himself to feel happy about how they had avoided the disaster either. Everything that Gilbert's mother said was sweet and polite, but every word made Lovino feel a little worse.

“It's really comforting that you've found such nice people in Italy, Gilbert, but don't forget all your friends here. You've known them for so long.”

“Some of my friends have been asking how long you're still going to stay in Rome. I just have no idea what to tell them!”

“Do you remember Markus? I ran into him in town, and he said he might organize a class re-union next summer. He looked so disappointed when I told him you don't live here anymore.”

It was as if the atmosphere was beginning to rot, and Lovino couldn't have been happier when the dinner was over. After about an hour of forced conversation and watching TV in the living room, he excused himself and said he was tired from the journey.

With a sigh, he sat down on Ludwig's bed and began to undress himself. He was reluctant to go to bed – it smelled and felt unfamiliar, and the silence that hung in the room was heavy and uncomfortable. He wondered what Gilbert and his parents were talking about now that he wasn't there.

Ugh, the evening had been a total failure. He couldn't deal with this strange politeness when it was clear nobody really liked him.

He was having a hard time falling asleep and kept tossing and turning in bed in search of a comfortable position. At times, it was too hot, but as soon as he kicked the covers off, he felt like he was freezing his balls off.

The door opened with a quiet click, and light poured into the room.

“Hey? You still up?”

“What the hell are you doing here?”

Gilbert turned on the light and showed Lovino a sandwich. “I figured you'd be hungry since we had dinner so early.”

“Shit, like I could get anything down.”

“Why? What's wrong? Already feeling homesick?” Gilbert placed the sandwich on the nightstand and sat down on the floor.

“No, dumbass. So, uh... What did your parents say? Did they say anything about me?”

“Not really. They think you're nice enough. They're used to me bringing weird people home, so don't sweat it. We talked more about some other stuff.”

Lovino shifted uncomfortably on the bed. “Sorry about that stupid outburst. I pretty much spilled the beans right there. Ugh, I almost ruined everything!”

“Haha, don't worry! I came up with a nice safe. They said nothing about that, so I don't think they even noticed. I guess we're just overreacting to everything since we know what's up.”

“Nggh.”

“But I'll be going to bed, too. Tomorrow's going to be a long day. If you eat that sandwich, try not to get any crumbs on the bed, okay?”

Gilbert got up and winked at him from the door. Lovino felt lonely and stupid after he was gone. Usually, he grumbled when Gilbert wanted goodnight kisses and other dumb things, but now that he hadn't got any, he realised how much he liked small gestures like that. Gilbert was only behind the wall, and it still felt like the distance between them was unbearable.

“Damn, I suck,” he muttered and buried his face into the pillow, hating the sterile scent of the fabric softener.

***

Lovino woke up to the feeling of something poking him in the nose. At first, he tried to swat that something away and then to turn to his side, but neither tactic was very successful. Escaping under the covers didn't work either because they were swiftly pulled off him, and that was when he finally became aware enough to understand what was going on.

“Gilbert! Fuck you! Let me sleep!”

“It's almost ten! Get up and have breakfast! We have to pick up Roderich and Erzsébet, remember?”

“What, ten? Shit, why didn't you wake me up? Your parents are going to think I'm a lazy slob who just sleeps all day!”

“But you're always so grumpy if you have to get up early! And there was nothing for you to do anyway, so I figured I'd let you sleep. Mum thought it was a good idea, too.”

“Well, whatever. Are your parents home?”

“Nah, they left for work. I'm not sure when they'll be back. But now hurry! We've got to get to the airport. Roderich and Erzsébet are flying from Budapest.”

“Can't they make it to the hotel on their own?” Lovino asked as he got dressed. Even though there was nobody else at the house but them, the thought of going downstairs to have breakfast in just his boxers made him feel horribly self-conscious.

“Erzsébet could, sure. But Roderich is a total loser, so it's better we take dad's car so that he doesn't get the chance to get on the wrong bus and end up who knows where. We'll drop them off at the hotel, then I'll take you back here and go help out Natalya. You're okay with staying here by yourself for a while, right?”

“Yeah, sure.” He wasn't really, but he had promised himself he wouldn't be a burden to anyone and that he'd let Gilbert go and help out with the wedding without whining. This wasn't a romantic holiday. Gilbert had work to do.

Gilbert drove them to the airport where they spent a good while waiting for Roderich and Erzsébet to show up. The flight landed on time, but Gilbert said Roderich always had trouble spotting his baggage on the conveyor belt. Finally, two people Lovino recognised from Gilbert's photos emerged from the crowd.

Erzsébet called out to Gilbert as soon as she saw him and hurried over to where he and Lovino were waiting for them. Gilbert went in for a hug, but she shoved him back and gestured for him to keep his distance. He didn't take it hard, though, since the happy grin on his face didn't falter even for a second.

Roderich wasn't in such a hurry. In fact, he seemed to be having trouble with the two pieces of baggage he was carrying and was clearly out of breath when he reached them.

“Long time no see!” Gilbert said and patted him on the back. “Did you have a good flight?”

Roderich ignored Gilbert fawning around him, and Lovino guessed he had to have plenty of experience if he was able to remain so indifferent to it. 

“It was decent enough. For economy class.”

“Haha, Erzsi, you still haven't got this cheapskate to pay for first class? I bet he complains about everything! I don't know how you can fly with him.”

“Don't call me that. And we're fine with the way we do things, so keep your useless comments to yourself.”

“One of these days you'll start to question why you ever married him, and then you'll come crawling to me for advice!”

“Yeah, and five minutes talking to you will remind me that I could have done so much worse than marrying Roderich.”

Lovino shifted his weight from one foot to another and wondered if he'd be too obvious if he cleared his throat. It was weird to watch a conversation that sounded so hostile, but he guessed that if they really couldn't stand each other, they wouldn't have been talking in the first place.

“Oh, right!” Gilbert said and left Roderich's side. “This is my pal Lovino from Italy. Ludi invited him to the wedding.”

“Nice to meet you,” Erzsébet said. They exchanged pleasantries for a while until Gilbert announced that it was time to go or he'd be late for his appointment with Natalya and that he didn't want to risk losing his dick.

“Always so vulgar,” Roderich said with a displeased sound. He pointed at the two suitcases. “But I'm glad you came to pick us up. Here. You carry these.”

“What? Why me? They're yours!”

“Well, we can't let Erzsébet carry them, can we?”

“Then you – Hey, I was talking to you!”

But Roderich acted like Gilbert wasn't even there and turned to address Lovino. “Could you show us the way to the car?”

“Uh, right. It's this way.”

Lovino wondered if he should help Gilbert carry the baggage, but Erzsébet and Roderich ushered him away. And, he reasoned, since Roderich had been able to carry the suitcases from the baggage claim area by himself, they couldn't be _that_ heavy. Gilbert would be fine.

“You know what we should do? Let's all have lunch together tomorrow!” Erzsébet suggested.

“I don't know if Gilbert will have time. He has to help out with the wedding, and then there's Ludwig's bachelor party to organize.”

“He'll manage! I really want to get to know you better.” Erzsébet turned back to call out to Gilbert. “Hey! Lunch tomorrow at noon, okay?”

“You had better treat me since you dumped your baggage on me! I want a lobster!”

Roderich snorted under his breath. “Like you'd know how to eat one.”

Gilbert drove to the hotel where Erzsébet and Roderich were staying and dropped them off. Lovino decided to be useful this time, so he helped him unload the baggage from the boot.

“Do they always treat you like this?” he asked, switching to Italian.

“Yeah, for some reason they have a hard time showing just how much they adore me, so they try to hide it. Kind of like you. I guess most people don't know how to act when they're around someone as great as me.”

“Yeah, right. Piss off.”

“See? Proves my point!”

While Gilbert was laughing to himself, Lovino happened to glance at Erzsébet and Roderich. They had stopped talking amongst themselves and were staring at them in such an intrusive way that it made Lovino feel like he suddenly had no pants on. Just what the heck was their problem? Did they think it was weird they were speaking Italian? Well, fuck them. Gilbert used German with others all the time, so it was only fair if Lovino got him all for himself for a brief moment.

Roderich was the first to realise they had been spotted. He looked a little embarrassed and gave Erzsébet a nudge to the side to get her attention.

“Thank you so much for helping with the baggage,” he said as he took the suitcases. “We'll be seeing each other again tomorrow, I suppose.”

“Yeah, and don't forget you're paying!” Gilbert said.

Gilbert was in a good mood as they started driving back to his parents' house. He was going to see Ludwig after he was done with Natalya, so Lovino didn't expect him to be back until much later in the evening. Gilbert told him he could cook something if he wanted, but Lovino knew he wouldn't have the guts to touch anything in the house when he was alone. He'd probably just stay in Ludwig's bedroom and take a nap.

“Don't you like my parents?” Gilbert asked.

“It's more that I don't think they like me. Your dad looks like he wants to kill me.”

“Nah, he always looks like that. And it's kind of hard for him to get to know you well if you keep avoiding him. You should try to talk to him. You know, so that he'll be happy when we tell him we're together one day.”

Gilbert let him into the house and drove off to pick up Natalya. There was nobody else home yet, so Lovino sat down in the living room and tried to come up with something to amuse himself. After a moment of hesitation, he found enough courage to turn on the TV, but all he could understand of the show that was on was that it was a police procedural.

Maybe he should cook something after all. That way, Gilbert's father wouldn't have to prepare anything when he arrived, and maybe that would make him warm up to him. Or, the opposite would happen and he'd kill him for messing things up in his kitchen. Ugh, damn. Why did Gilbert have to go? How did he expect him to do anything when he wasn't there to have his back?

He spent some more time grumbling to himself on the couch until he grew fed up with his own indecision and made up his mind. Even if he wasn't going to cook, he could at least check out the place. No harm in that. He left the TV on to have some background noise and walked to the kitchen.

Everything was pristine. He could see his reflection in the sink, and there wasn't a single misplaced plate, fork or jar anywhere. Just standing there made him feel like he was making a mess. Curious, he started snooping around the cupboards to see what kind of pans and utensils Gilbert's family had and what type of spices they used.

“Hey!”

“Aah!”

Clang!

Lovino dropped the frying pan in his hands and whirled around at the sound that came from behind him. Gilbert's father was standing there, that frightening, stern expression on his face and holding a briefcase.

“I'm not stealing anything! I swear!”

“Isn't Gilbert here?”

“No, he's with Natalya!”

“Stop yelling! I can hear you just fine!”

“Okay! I'm sorry!”

Gilbert's father stared at him in silence. To Lovino, it felt as if he was contemplating how to most efficiently dissect his body after he killed him. Then, the man bent down to pick up the pan Lovino had dropped and put it back to its place in the cupboard.

“You said you like cooking. What do you usually cook for Gilbert?”

“Uh, well, pasta and sometimes rice and meat or vegetables, and he really likes provolone cheese, so I put it in lots of things, and then we usually drink juice but sometimes wine. But actually, we don't eat together all that often, and I only cook for him because we're friends! Friendship can be really, really deep in Italy!”

Gilbert's father sighed. “It doesn't seem Gilbert's taste in friends changed much while abroad.” 

Oh, God, so he did hate him. Should he try to make a better impression or admit defeat and run upstairs? The latter was certainly the more tempting option, but Lovino knew that if he did that, he would just feel miserable for the rest of the day and sulk. Maybe he should put up a struggle.

“Yeah, well, Ludwig likes me too because he invited me to the wedding!” he challenged before he could help himself.

“I just meant that I don't understand you. It's not a bad thing. I don't understand Gilbert half of the time either.”

“But he's your son.”

“That doesn't make us see eye to eye most of the time. He doesn't understand me either. All his life, he's been convinced he can trick me. No matter that I always see right through him, he never learns and keeps trying.”

“Uh, haha, you mean things like sneaking off with extra dessert at dinner or...?”

“It doesn't matter. I'll wait for him to stop acting like a reckless idiot. I tried to raise him so that he knows he can do whatever he wants in life as long as he's ready to face the consequences with his head held high.”

Lovino wished he knew what to say. Hell, he did know what he wanted to say, but he didn't have the courage. Gilbert's father couldn't come any closer to saying he had guessed they were a couple, and he would just have to ask to get the confirmation. But the risk was so high. If it turned out Lovino was wrong and he was talking about something else, he would ruin everything. He couldn't do that without asking Gilbert, especially not before the wedding was over. And he didn't know if the consequences Gilbert's father had mentioned would be good or not.

“That's exactly what he's like, right? I mean, he came back after his company went bankrupt,” he said instead to direct the conversation to safer waters.

“After hiding for a year like a coward, yes.” Gilbert's father opened one of the cupboards and took out a big pot, which he then placed on the stove.

“But he did come back!”

“I know. He said you gave him the push. For that I have to thank you. Now, do you want to help me make spaghetti? Gilbert said I shouldn't make anything Italian or I'll offend you, but if you assist me, it can't go badly.”

“The idiot exaggerates. I'm not that picky.”

Lovino spent the evening alone with Gilbert's parents. He didn't feel perfectly comfortable with them, but the atmosphere was more relaxed than the previous day. It was probably a good thing that Gilbert wasn't around, he realised, because that meant he actually had to talk to them instead of Gilbert stealing the attention all the time.

Gilbert's father didn't become any happier on the surface, but Lovino slowly got over his fear that one wrong word would turn him into a barbarian. In fact, by the end of the evening, he was having an easier time talking to him than Gilbert's mother. At least he didn't keep telling him stories about how Gilbert had always loved this or that thing at home and how he probably missed them when he was staying in Italy.

He decided he wasn't going to tell Gilbert about his suspicion that his father was onto them. It would just make him nervous. If the need arose, they could talk about it after the wedding, or maybe once they were safely back in Rome.

***

The following day, they met with Erzsébet and Roderich and had lunch at a nice restaurant. Despite Gilbert's whining, Roderich wasn't paying for everyone, so he didn't get to order the lobster he wanted.

“They probably don't even have it here,” Roderich said as he eyed the menu.

“Then we could have gone to a better place. What with how expensive your concert tickets are, you could afford to buy me fancy food every now and then.”

“I don't actually get all the ticket money for myself. I'm not the only person in the orchestra! And I can't even begin to list all the costs that come with arranging a concert. Besides, when I feel like treating someone to nice food, it's my wife.”

“Pfft, yeah, right. I happen to know that when you took Erzsébet out on your first date, you conveniently forgot your wallet home.”

An irritated blush rose on Roderich's cheeks. “That was an honest accident!”

“Calm down,” Erzsébet said and patted him on the arm. “And Gilbert, stop provoking him. We're here to have a good time, so don't you dare ruin it.”

“Hehe, I'm just here to make it better.”

“Anyway, Lovino. Gilbert told me you work at your family's gelato shop. What's that like?” Erzsébet asked. For the next few moments, Lovino talked about himself. Every time he thought he was done, Erzsébet had another question for him – about his family, his taste in music, how he and Gilbert had met and so on. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had been that interested in him, and all the attention was making him flustered.

It got a little better when their food arrived because that made the conversation slow down somewhat.

Gilbert nudged him in the elbow. “Hey, how's the food?”

“Decent. And why are you suddenly speaking Italian?”

“Hehe, it makes me feel special. I love how I could say whatever I wanted and those two wouldn't have any idea. Like how much I like sucking your –”

“Goddammit, stop! Maybe you're wrong and they do understand us!”

“Nah, they don't. She would have punched me already. So you can just tell me how much you want me right now.”

“ _I'll_ punch you if you don't stop!”

Thankfully, Gilbert did, and the rest of the lunch went without any incidents. They talked about the wedding, Roderich's upcoming concert tour in the summer and whether he and Erzsébet had already found a new apartment that was nice and affordable.

“You know, I feel like having some cake. Roderich, why don't you take Gilbert and go check out the buffet?” Erzsébet suggested.

“Yeah! Cake!” Gilbert agreed. “Lovino, what kind do you want?”

“Doesn't matter. Anything is okay.”

“Alright! We'll be back soon! Cake is the only field where I'll let Roderich call the shots.”

Gilbert dragged Roderich away, so Lovino was left alone with Erzsébet. She tapped her spoon against her plate a couple of times in thought before looking up at him.

“It's weird to hear Gilbert speak such good Italian,” she said.

“Huh? You mean you understood us?”

“No, I don't speak it at all. It's just that I've never heard him do it before. And that's not all. He was gone for a year, and I just can't help but feel that something changed when he was in Italy.”

“Uh, well, I wouldn't know since I have no idea what he was like before that.”

Erzsébet pursed her lips. “I've asked him, but he won't give me a straight answer, so I'll ask you instead. Why is he still living in Italy when he could move back home?”

“Well...”

“I get that he's got friends there, and I'm not saying that you don't matter. But he's got friends here, too, and he has known them for so much longer. And his family is here.”

“Sorry, but what difference does it make to you? You live in Budapest, right? The distance from there to Berlin is more or less the same as to Rome.”

“I know! It still bothers me. It's like he's turned his back on his old life. Which is silly because he's right here. But something's different.” She let out a frustrated snort. “It makes me feel like some part of the Gilbert I know never came back.”

Lovino felt like he'd been punched in the gut. He was such an idiot. This whole time, he had been obsessed with trying not to feel lonely and jealous if Gilbert spent more time with his family or friends than him, fighting against his fears that he might decide to move back to Germany. It had never crossed his mind that they could feel the same, that they'd be worried about why he wasn't coming home and jealous that he had chosen his new life in Italy over them.

It was no wonder if they didn't like him. He was a total stranger and mattered nothing to them, and yet Gilbert was parading him around like he was so important that everyone should automatically like him. They had every right to feel irritated and suspicious.

“That's bullcrap,” he heard himself say. “I can't remember ever seeing Gilbert happier than when he got back in touch with you guys. And you should see his fridge! It's so full of photos of all of you that I can barely tell what colour it is. He used to talk about you all the time when he was still hiding. He must have missed you like hell, but he's such a dumbass that he could never admit it.”

“Yeah, he is pretty stupid. And don't think that I'm accusing you of stealing him or something. I've got nothing against you. But is he really okay? There's been something off about him ever since I saw him at Christmas. He didn't get into any shady business over there that he doesn't want his family involved in?”

“What, you mean, like the mafia or something? He's not _that_ stupid!”

“Then why? What's he got in Italy that he can't have here?”

“Don't ask me, dammit! You're putting me into a really tough spot here. I don't want to talk about him behind his back like this.”

Erzsébet frowned in irritation, but she dropped the issue. Just in time, too, since Gilbert and Roderich soon returned with big pieces of cake for everyone. The one Gilbert had picked for Lovino was covered in some of the best chocolate he had ever had in his life, but he couldn't bring himself to enjoy it.

His visit to Berlin was pointless for as long as he was pretending to be Gilbert's friend. He was just so tired of being dishonest. How was he supposed to build a working relationship with anyone like this? On top of all the other reasons they had to dislike him, they'd get to accuse him of lying, too.

“We should tell them about us,” he said in Italian.

Gilbert let out a squeak. “What? What the heck are you talking about?”

“Don't act so stupid! She was asking me about you the whole time you were gone. She's worried about you. I don't think it's fair to keep it from her. Same for him, I guess.” Lovino poked at his piece of cake so that it soon looked ugly and deformed. “Or do you think they'd react badly?”

“No, I guess not. I've known them for so long that I just can't imagine that, but... Haha, wow, I don't know. This is pretty sudden.”

“We don't have to if you don't want to.” Lovino glanced at Erzsébet, then quickly moved his eyes away. She was probably wondering what they were saying and if he was talking shit about her right under her nose.

Gilbert was quiet for a moment, then took a deep breath. “No, let's do it. Baby steps, right? If this goes well, maybe it won't be so hard to tell my parents. But, uh, just as reference, how did you come out to your family?”

By yelling at them, slamming doors and having crying fits because he felt so horrible. Not exactly something he wanted to think back to, or recommend to anyone.

“You aren't me. Do it your way. If either of them does anything dumb, I'll throw my piece of cake at them.”

“That's not cake anymore. That's chocolate mush. But okay!” Gilbert cleared his throat, and when he spoke again, he had switched to English. “Hey, Lovino just told me you've been asking questions about me! No surprise, I guess, since you had to go a whole year without any contact with me, so you're desperate to make up for it! Or are you worried that I'm becoming so Italian that I'm just going to stop visiting home?”

“Well, since you brought it up, I guess it would be interesting to know why you're talking like you're planning to stay there,” Roderich said. “I know you're a glutton, but the food there can't be _that_ good.”

“Don't say that before you've tried it. But I've got an even better reason!” Gilbert pointed both of his hands theatrically at Lovino and made a pause for effect. “My boyfriend!”

“What?”

“Yeah, and I don't think Lovino would be happy here, and long-distance relationships just aren't my style. I'm awesome at adapting, so it's just easier if I stay –”

“Wait, slow down!” Erzsébet gestured him into silence. “You mean, you two are a couple? Is this a joke?”

“Why would I joke about it?”

“But... Since when? You never said you liked guys!”

“That's just because I couldn't find a guy I liked enough until now. Look at him, a great catch, huh? I bet you're jealous.”

Lovino resisted the urge to snap at Gilbert to shut up. He could tell he was only blabbering so much to hide his nervousness and to delay any further reaction from the others, just in case it would be negative. He didn't think it would be, though. He had met enough assholes in his life to learn to recognise the most common signs, and so far the only emotion he could see on their faces was surprise.

“Well, uh, congrats, I guess,” Erzsébet said. “When did this happen?”

“A little before Christmas or so. Right after I got back to Rome after my visit.”

“And you never said anything?” Erzsébet's tone was baffled, but it was beginning to turn into irritation and maybe even hurt. 

“Well, no. I mean, I had no idea if someone was going to start screaming at me or something, and I really wanted to come to Ludi's wedding without any drama. It's going to be hard enough to remind everyone that he and Kati are the heroes of the day, not me, so the least an awesome, supportive brother can to do is not add to the chaos!”

Erzsébet frowned, looking startled. “You thought... Gilbert! Did you think we'd be upset with you? Is that why you didn't say anything? You thought I'd throw away a life's worth of friendship just like that? Is that how little you think of me?”

“It's not that!” Gilbert blurted out. “I've had so much to sort out! And you're the second to know anyway! I've only told Ludi.”

Erzsébet opened her mouth like she was about to argue, her eyes blazing with barely controlled anger, but not a word escaped her. She closed her mouth and pressed it into a tight line.

“Goddammit, Gilbert. You're really the most ego-centric asshole I've ever met! Do you have any idea how worried we've been?”

“But I said nothing was wrong!”

“That's exactly what you said when your company was going bankrupt! And right before you vanished!”

Roderich placed a hand on Erzsébet's arm. “We're in public,” he reminded her.

“I don't care. Just, Gilbert, look. Why are you always like this? Why do you always act like you're invulnerable? You aren't!”

Lovino was half expecting the situation to turn into a fight, and he could tell he wasn't the only one. Roderich was eyeing the two carefully, having probably had to witness countless arguments between them. It was a good thing there was a table between Gilbert and Erzsébet, as it made it difficult for them to get physical.

But for once Gilbert didn't try to argue back. He let out a hollow cackle and shifted in his seat.

“I know. That's why it's taken me so long to say anything. I guess I was so happy nobody slammed the door to my face when I came back after that year in Italy that I didn't want to risk it yet. I at least wanted to see Ludi get married first.”

Just like that, the anger melted away from Erzsébet's frame like she had never wanted to strangle him. She rubbed her face with both her hands.

“Oh, you dumbass. I'm sorry. You're right. For once. I wasn't thinking. But you're going to be the end of me one day, I swear.” Her voice was muffled with emotion, like she was trying not to cry, and it took a few more moments before she revealed her face again. Gilbert wasn't doing much better; a few more words like that from her and his already shaky smile would crumble and fall off his face.

“So, no hard feelings, huh?” Gilbert asked.

“Just this once, no.”

“Hey, Roderich! You've been quiet for so long! What do you think about me and my awesome boyfriend?”

“When the day comes when I decide I've had enough of you, I have a hundred justified reasons I can name. This isn't one of them. I'm glad you have someone who'll have to bear most of your attention. Hopefully it'll make my life a little easier.”

“Oh, don't worry! Even though I like Lovino the best, that doesn't mean I'm going to forget you! There's enough of the awesome me for everyone!”

Erzsébet turned her attention to Lovino. “I'm sorry I talked to you like that. I had no idea. I thought something bad was going on.”

“Nah, that's okay. I guess we only have ourselves to blame since we didn't tell you right away.”

On the surface, there wasn't much of a change in Gilbert's behaviour after the exchange, but Lovino could see beneath that. His smile was a little wider, his laughter a little more relaxed, and there was nothing nervous or fake in the way he talked and acted now.

Their lunch could have easily taken hours if not for the fact that Gilbert had to run errands for Ludwig's bachelor party. After that, he was planning to spend the rest of the day and evening making the candy boxes he had promised Natalya and his mother.

“We can make them in my room,” he said as they were sitting on the bus on their way home.

“We? When did I agree to this?”

“Hehe, in my room we have some privacy.”

“That's too risky. We should be careful when your parents are around.”

“I don't care,” Gilbert said and leaned against him so that Lovino was squeezed between him and the window. “I feel so great. I guess I should have known Roderich and Erzsébet wouldn't get mad at me, but it's still a relief. Now that I've got them and Ludi, I almost don't care what anyone else says.”

“Yeah,” Lovino agreed. Seeing Gilbert so happy made all their previous problems feel so pointless. 

The back of the bus was almost empty, so he reached out to ruffle Gilbert's hair.

“Mmm, that's nice.”

“Don't get so excited. Your damn hair is a mess. I'm just making you look presentable.”

Lovino hoped they'd be able to tell Gilbert's parents about them soon. Until now, his relationship with them had been shadowed by the fear that even one wrong word or gesture might reveal their secret and make them angry. Everything would be so much simpler once they had nothing more to hide, and he couldn't wait to see the rest of the stress and anxiety fall off Gilbert's shoulders.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of the story. I might write a short sequel one day and maybe "missing scene" type of things from other characters' perspective because there were a lot of things Lovino didn't get to witness. But for now this is it because I want to write some other things first.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story!

That evening, Gilbert and Lovino began to work on the candy boxes for the wedding. Lovino insisted on doing it downstairs. The idea of locking themselves up in Gilbert's room was tempting, but after what Erzsébet had told him, he didn't want to hide from his parents.

“Okay,” Gilbert said and eyed their materials. They had a little over a hundred match boxes, pink paint, glue and a dozen bags of tiny pearls. “I guess we should start by taking the matches out.”

“What the hell are we going to do with all of them? There are going to be thousands!”

“I guess my parents will never have to buy any again for as long as they live. And Ludi and I can inherit the rest!”

“They'll be pretty useless without the boxes.”

They each picked up a box and began to paint them. Gilbert's mother had given them newspapers to spread on the floor so that they wouldn't make a mess, and Lovino was extra careful to sit away from the edge. He always had trouble controlling his hands when he was trying to be precise, and the last thing he wanted was to ruin the expensive wood planks.

Once done, he put the box aside to let it dry and took out his phone.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“Taking a break.”

“What? No! Keep working!”

“I have to wait for the box to dry!”

“Paint another one while you wait! We've still got ninety-eight here!”

Lovino turned his eyes back to his phone.“Tch. That's a dumb way to work. I'll wait for that box to dry and finish it. Then I'll get started on another one.”

“It's going to take forever that way! Listen, trust me. It's going to be far more effective if we paint all the boxes now. By the time we're done, the first ones will have dried and we can start gluing the pearls on them. No need for any breaks!”

“That's exactly why it's dumb! I want breaks when I work!”

“If you take a break every time you feel like it, we won't be finished until tomorrow morning!”

“I don't care. I got a message from Feli, so I'm going to reply to him before I do anything else.”

Gilbert looked like he wanted to tear his hair out, but he directed his frustration at his work instead. He began to paint the boxes with such determination that Lovino soon forgot about Feliciano and watched him instead. A coat of paint, a swift flip of his fingers to turn the box around, more paint, another flip, over and over until all sides except one were pink. Then he put it down to dry and picked up another. After a few boxes, he had the routine memorised and worked like a machine.

“Just looking at you is making me tired,” Lovino said.

“Then don't look. Pick up the brush and start painting! Mum said she'll bring us coffee and snacks later, but if you don't get off your butt, I'm eating everything!”

“That's not fair! I'm a guest!”

“No, you're a member of the family, and that means you work.”

Lovino huffed. When Gilbert said shit like that, he couldn't decide if he wanted to kiss him or kick him in the balls. Nevertheless, he put down his phone without replying to Feliciano and started working again. The box he had painted earlier was almost dry, so he started to glue pearls on it.

Working on the boxes reminded him of Antonio and Belle's wedding. It had been a modest event. The mere idea that they could have afforded to rent a reception hall was laughable. The only reason there had been enough food was that they had so many friends who had brought a little something. But despite that – or _because_ of that – it had been the best wedding Lovino had ever been to.

Gilbert had begun to hum a cheery tune. For a brief moment, Lovino played with the idea that they were painting the boxes for their wedding, but he immediately felt so stupid that he wanted to poke himself in the eyes. They'd barely been together for two months. And with the way things were in Italy, he might be an old man by the time it was finally legal for them to marry.

No use denying that he was jealous. There was nothing stopping him and Gilbert from staying together for the rest of their lives if they felt like it, but it would have been nice to put an official seal to it one day. Just to show the world that their relationship was just as good and genuine as Antonio and Belle's, or Ludwig and Kateryna's.

“I wish I knew which box is going to which guest. I want to write rude messages to the one that's for Roderich.”

“What, even after he was so supportive today?”

“Yeah! He said himself that nothing has changed between us. That's practically asking for a dick joke.”

Gilbert had been in good spirits all day after their lunch with Roderich and Erzsébet. He laughed and joked more, talked a little less about how amazing and perfect he was and just appeared to carry more genuine confidence on his shoulders. Lovino couldn't help but think back to what Erzsébet had said about feeling that some part of the Gilbert she knew had never come back. But maybe it would if the rest of his family accepted their relationship that easily.

“I've been thinking,” Lovino said, not lifting his eyes from the box he was working on.

“Yeah?”

“When we get back home, I might start taking... uh... gngg...”

“What?”

“Give me a moment! I'm going to say something I never thought I would!” Lovino drew a deep breath. “German classes! I want to learn fucking German!”

Gilbert let out a surprised sound. His hand slipped, and he painted a pink line up his wrist. “German? Why? I thought you hated it.”

“I don't hate it! It's just ugly and difficult and sounds like you're gurgling rusty nails.”

“Then why do you want to learn it?”

Lovino had thought about that a lot during the bus ride back to Gilbert's parents' house.“Hmph! What do you think? So that I'll know if someone here is talking shit about me! And... and I guess I want to let your parents and so on know I'm being serious. You said I'm part of the family, right? So I should speak the language! Don't think you can leave me out forever!”

“Oh, crap,” Gilbert said and laughed. “That's just too cute! If my parents weren't over there in the kitchen, I'd kiss you right now!”

“Go to hell! This isn't a laughing matter. I'm making such a huge sacrifice for you, ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. I'll go to confession when we get home.”

“You aren't sacrificing anything. You're gaining a new language.”

“At the cost of my time and sanity!” Then again, he supposed that he had signed to have those taken away the second he had agreed to date Gilbert. It was too late to complain now.

“I'll save you some money, then. Why take classes when I could teach you German instead?”

“Yeah, right! You'd teach me to say 'I love sucking dick' and tell me it means 'Nice to meet you'. I'm not going to believe a word you say.”

“At the very least I'll talk dirty to you in German next time we have sex. What do you want me to say?”

Lovino snorted. “I don't care. You could be citing the Bible and it would sound like it's straight out of a porn flick. Your language is shit.”

Gilbert's mother chose that moment to show up with tea and biscuits.

“You two sure are getting along,” she said as she put down the tray. “I'm starting to get worried that you're so busy talking that you won't finish your work. Just what is it that's so interesting?”

“Nothing much. Just football.”

“Nevertheless, I hope you don't mind that I called Natalya and asked her to come here and help you.”

Gilbert was so startled that he inhaled some of the biscuit he was eating and spent the next few moments sounding like he was coughing his lungs out. When he was finally able to talk again, he turned to look at his mother with panicked eyes and said, “Mum, why? We can do it! We don't need her!”

“She's already on her way. It would be rude to send her back. You should be glad; you'll get everything done so much faster when there are three of you!”

And when Natalya was there, they couldn't talk to each other so much anymore, Lovino figured. He couldn't decide if Gilbert's mother really wanted to help, or if this was her passive-aggressive way of telling them she didn't like it when they spoke Italian together.

Some moments later, the doorbell rang, and Gilbert's mother went to open. She greeted Natalya happily and guided her to the living room, which was when it became obvious that _Natalya_ definitely wasn't in such a good mood. She took one look at the small pile of finished candy boxes and snarled something at Gilbert, which sounded like a declaration of war to Lovino.

“English! Otherwise Lovino has no idea what you're saying!”

“Don't drag me into this, asshole! You two just keep this between yourselves! I don't want to know!”

“It's your fault she's angry! You took too many breaks!”

“Quit your yapping and go back to work! These need to be finished tonight,” Natalya said, though she did switch the language.

After what he had learned of her, Lovino expected her to watch over them like a hawk and whip some more energy into them if they were too slow. Instead, she sat down with them and began to glue pearls on the boxes they had already finished. Soon enough, she no longer had the dark aura of anger hanging around her, and Lovino found the courage to really look at her.

It was difficult for him to see the resemblance between Natalya and Kateryna. They both had the type of pale hair and eyes that were exotic to him, but even now that she wasn't angry anymore, Natalya was nothing like her kind and polite sister. She was difficult to approach and prickly, and he didn't know what to do about that. He was used to having no problems talking to women.

He cleared his throat. “So, you're the maid of honour? That's a lot of responsibility.”

“Yeah. It would be a nice position if the bestman wasn't such a spineless loser. Ludwig should have chosen someone who actually lives in this country and is available when I need him.”

“He could never pick anyone but me! I deserve to be the bestman when my kid bro gets married!”

“He should have chosen Ivan. He would have done everything so much better than you.”

“He would have ruined the wedding. We don't need his passive-aggressive bullshit.”

“Ivan's not like that! You just don't understand him like I do.”

Gilbert turned to look at Lovino with a shake of his head. “I bet she'd marry him if it was legal. What a creep!” he said in Italian.

“What did you just say about me?” Natalya asked.

“Nothing!”

It sounded like Ludwig had fallen for the only sane one in the family, but Lovino didn't want to judge just yet. Gilbert was sometimes so obnoxious that he couldn't blame Natalya for not getting along with him, and maybe this Ivan wasn't that bad either.

“Are you two going to keep fighting like that forever? I mean, you're going to be family,” he said.

According to the expressions on both Gilbert and Natalya's faces, neither was particularly happy about that. They probably tolerated each other only because they wanted to support Ludwig and Kateryna.

“That doesn't mean I have to like him.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

“Right, uh, so what do you do for a living?” Lovino asked.

“I teach classes at university and do research on Russian literature on the side.”

“Wow, that's pretty interesting.” To be honest, Lovino hadn't expected that. Something like a butcher or a professional knife thrower had been higher on his list. But maybe there was a side to her that was hard to see in the middle of the wedding preparation stress.

“I'm pretty good at it. I'm the only one who never has a single student miss a deadline.”

Gilbert grinned. “Yeah, because they're all scared shitless of you. I'm surprised anyone signs up for your classes in the first place.”

“Stop being an asshole!” Lovino snapped and kicked Gilbert in the knee. “I'm trying to have a normal conversation here!” Because if things worked out fine, she was going to be his family soon, too, and he'd rather not let Gilbert drag him into this stupid war he had going on with her.

“With her?” Gilbert asked, switching languages again to be safe.

“Yeah! She seems like she'd be okay if you didn't provoke her all the damn time!”

“Bullshit! You wouldn't say that if you really knew her. She and her brother, they're both crazy, especially he. You'll see tomorrow at Ludi's bachelor party. I didn't want that creep there, but he pretty much invited himself. And she's totally exaggerating about doing all the work by herself! Ludi and Kati have done most of the planning since it's their wedding.”

Lovino gave up with a roll of his eyes. It was clear Gilbert was too stubborn to be convinced otherwise. All he could do was behave and make sure nobody thought he shared Gilbert's attitude problems.

It took them a few hours to finish all the boxes. Natalya thanked Lovino before leaving, saying it was decent of him to help even though he had nothing to do with the wedding. Before leaving, she reminded Gilbert that it was his job to put a piece of candy inside every box before the reception or she'd break his fingers.

“She was pretty friendly to you,” Gilbert said when she was gone.

“I didn't treat her like shit.”

“Nah, must be because you're Italian. Chicks here love your type of guys. Be careful or she'll fall in love with you!”

“She's not my type.”

“That's not what I meant. She's the kind of woman who takes what she wants, and if she wants you, there's no stopping her. I bet she's the creepy stalker type.”

“Quit the crap already!” Lovino got up from the floor, almost knocking over the paint pot.

“Where are you going?”

“To wash my hands so that I can help your dad with dinner. You clean up here.”

“Aren't you scared of him anymore?”

“I was never scared of him!”

“You were! You almost wet yourself. But it's great you're starting to get along with him. Everything's going exactly according to my plan.”

Lovino snorted to himself, unable to stay irritated when Gilbert had that satisfied and hopeful look on his face.

***

Gilbert had planned two stages for the bachelor party. First, they'd go on a stroll in Potsdamer Platz Arkaden and make Ludwig do something embarrassing around the shopping centre. Then they'd move to a bar that had been the brothers' favourite back when Gilbert had still lived in Berlin. The owner was someone Gilbert had gone to school with, and he had agreed to arrange them some privacy in a corner of the establishment.

They were currently waiting for some of the other guests to show up so that they could go and pick Ludwig up together. Someone's uncle had an old Trabant that they had borrowed just for the occasion.

“Be careful around Vash,” Gilbert said as they spotted a short, blond man from the window. “He speaks Italian. So no telling me how sexy I am.”

“Like I'd want to! And you're far more likely to say something like that once you get enough beer in your system.”

“Pfft, I can control myself like nobody else. Just watch me,” Gilbert said and went to open the door.

As far as looks were concerned, Vash fit right into the family. He was shorter than the others, but he carried himself with that serious determination that Lovino had grown to expect from Gilbert's father. From what he had been told, Vash's mother was Gilbert's aunt on his father's side, so it came as no surprise.

“Hey there! I haven't seen you in ages! How's life in Konstanz?”

“Good enough. It's nice to be in Berlin for a few days, though.”

“Yeah, it's the best city, right? You should come more often! It's rare to see you and Elise this far up north.”

Vash crossed his arms on his chest with a dismissive puff of breath. “You're the one who decided to move even further south, so who are you to talk?”

“Haha, right! That reminds me, here's Lovino. He's coming to the wedding, too.”

“Nice to meet you,” Vash said and offered his hand to Lovino.

“Yeah, likewise.”

They chatted a little more, and Vash explained that his sister Elise and his mother had gone to spend the evening with Kateryna. Apparently, the women had something similar planned amongst themselves, though he didn't know the details. The following day, which was the day before the wedding, everyone would gather in the garden of Kateryna's parents' house and shatter old porcelain to wish the pair happiness. Lovino couldn't say he understood much of the brief explanation he got, but Gilbert assured him it would be fun.

The rest of the group arrived soon. In addition to the three of them, there was Roderich – Erzsébet dropped him off so that he wouldn't get lost – some friends of Ludwig's that Lovino didn't know, and Kateryna's brother, Ivan.

Ivan was the last to arrive and smiled shyly at them as he entered the house. “Oh, everybody else is already here. But I'm not late, am I?”

“We would have left without you if you were,” Gilbert said.

“That wouldn't be very polite, especially since I paid my share of the arrangements.”

“Right, let's just go get Ludwig. Paul, you drive the Trabi since it's your uncle's. I'm coming along with Lovino, and the rest go with Stefan.”

They packed themselves into the cars. Gilbert leaned against the backseat and rubbed his temples.

“Shit. I was already starting to think he wouldn't come.”

“He didn't seem so bad,” Lovino said.

“Like I said, you don't know him.”

“What's his dark secret? Is he a hitman or something?”

Gilbert laughed at the back of his throat. “Nah, worse. Insurance salesman.”

They were about to drive off when there was a sudden knock on the window on the front where Lovino was sitting with Paul. Ivan smiled at him and opened the door.

“I decided I'd like to sit in this car, so will you move so that I can climb to the back with Gilbert?”

Despite the friendly tone, Lovino got the feeling that wasn't a request. “Uh, sure,” he said and got out. There were no doors at the back, so Ivan had to bend the backrest of the front seat and climb over it to sit with Gilbert.

“When we pick up Ludi, you're going to have to go to the other car,” Gilbert said.

“What about your friend from Italy? Lovino, would you mind that?”

“Well, no, but –”

“Yeah, he would. He gets sick if he can't sit on the front, so you're out of luck.”

Ivan frowned in disappointment but didn't try to argue. As they started the car, he began to talk to Gilbert in German, and even though Lovino couldn't understand them, he could tell that Gilbert was trying to end the conversation by giving him answers that were as short and vague as possible. He couldn't help but wonder what was up with them.

“Is he trying to hit on you?” he called out in Italian.

“No way! He's just got this dumb idea that we're best friends. I'd tell him to piss off, but he'd go crying to Kati, and I don't want to cause trouble before the wedding is over and done with.”

“Try not to be rude to him, I guess.”

“Ha! Who are you to give that kind of advice? You're rude even to the people you love, like me!”

Ivan let out a hum. “I don't like it when you two speak Italian because I have no idea what's going on.”

“We were just speaking German even though Lovino doesn't understand it. It's the same thing.”

“But you've known me longer than him. And I was told he was Ludwig's friend anyway, not yours.”

Thankfully, they arrived at Ludwig and Kateryna's apartment before the conversation could go on for much longer. Ludwig got into the car and Ivan had to go, which changed the atmosphere drastically. Gilbert was so visibly happy about getting rid of him that Lovino found himself feeling a little sorry for Ivan. He was probably annoying in the long run, but it was clear he was earnest with the way he approached others, even if a little clumsy.

“I'm glad you could make it,” Ludwig said to him.

“Don't mention it. I kind of didn't have a choice.”

“Yes, I heard about that. Sorry. But it's nice you're here. We should catch up when we have the time.”

Lovino got the feeling there was more that Ludwig wanted to say to him, but he probably couldn't because Paul was in the car. Or maybe it was even because _Gilbert_ was there. Either way, he doubted he had to worry. Ludwig wasn't the kind of person he normally got along with, but he was so important to Gilbert and had accepted them right away. Without Ludwig, it would have probably taken Gilbert much longer to get where he was.

A little over half an hour later, they found a place to park the car. They entered the shopping centre and stormed the first restroom they could find.

“Hey, Ludi! Time to get into your costume!”

“My what?”

“You didn't think you'd get through tonight without dressing up, did you? Here!” Gilbert took out two plastic bags that had been carefully hidden at the back of the car and shoved one into his brother's arms.

Ludwig opened the bag and took out a maid outfit, complete with a frilly apron. The glare on his face was so fierce that Lovino was surprised the dress didn't spontaneously combust.

“Gilbert, was this your idea?” Ludwig asked.

“Haha, yeah! Put it on!”

“I'm not going to wear this!”

“You have to! If you don't, it'll be a bad omen for your marriage!”

“Roderich didn't have to when he got married.”

“Yeah, because you organized the party, and you're boring. Now put it on! Or are you going to tell everyone who came here that it was a waste of time and money? Look at Vash. He came all the way from Konstanz!”

“I came for the wedding, not to see Ludwig in drag. If I had known you had something like this planned, I wouldn't have chipped in for the costs.”

“Don't be such a spoilsport! And same to you, Ludi! Do it! If you can't handle this much, then you aren't ready for marriage!”

“Yeah! Go for it!” Paul agreed, and soon enough everybody was trying to encourage him, except Vash, who looked almost as uncomfortable as Ludwig. Even Lovino found himself hoping Ludwig would do it because, what the hell, it was fun watching someone else make a fool of himself for a change.

Nevertheless, he was genuinely surprised when Ludwig finally let out a deep sigh and went into one of the cubicles to change without uttering another word. Holy shit, that stick in the mud was going to do it?

Moments later, Ludwig came back wearing the maid outfit. The dress was black and reached him in mid-thighs, with the apron being slightly shorter. Gilbert had packed a pair of stockings to go with the rest of the outfit, and Lovino had to wonder what size they were to fit Ludwig's muscled legs.

He didn't even bother hiding his guffaw, which earned him an exasperated glance from Ludwig.

“I wish you wouldn't laugh.”

“Are you kidding? You look like a fucking idiot. Of course I'm going to laugh!” Lovino took out his phone and snapped a quick photo. “This is going straight to Feliciano.”

“Don't get too cocky, Lovino. I've got something for everyone else, too,” Gilbert said and raised the other bag he got from the car. What he produced from it was a handful of hair bands that all had different types of animal ears attached. He picked one out of the pile and put it onto Romano's head. “There! Now you're all pretty, too!”

Lovino immediately grabbed the ears off and waved them in disgust. “I don't want these! I hate squirrels! They were my number one enemy when I was a kid!”

“Stop whining and get in the spirit. Ludi needs a proper entourage,” Gilbert said and grabbed a pair of bunny ears for himself. Ivan was next in line and seemed happy about his bear set, and for everyone else there were cat ears.

“I guess this won't make it much more embarrassing than it already is,” Ludwig said and put his on. “But no more pictures.”

Gilbert responded by taking a photo with his phone. “Kati needs to know how pretty you are. And I need something cool to show my future nephews and nieces! Now let's go!”

They found a good spot on the ground floor of the shopping centre where many of the stores were. Everyone had brought along random everyday items, and Ludwig's job was to try to sell them to the passers-by and explain to them how they'd improve their romantic relationships and sex lives.

At first, nothing much happened, though plenty of people gave their group amused glances and smiles as they passed. Ludwig said nothing, only stared grimly ahead and clutched at the goodie basket in his hands.

“Ludi, you're going to have to talk to the people and not just stand there,” Gilbert said.

“I feel like an idiot.”

“That's the whole point! Every once in a while, you've got to do something like this to spice up your life! Right, Lovino?”

“I'm just here to watch.”

The others began to urge for Ludwig to get out of his shell and approach someone, and eventually Ludwig picked someone who was still far away, having just exited one of the shops.

Ludwig stared at the man the whole time he got closer, which he clearly noticed as he decided to make a curve to the right to avoid him. But Ludwig would have none of that now that he had found a target.

“Excuse me, sir!” he yelled and cornered the poor man.

“Yeah?”

Ludwig spoke like he was reciting something from memory. “Did you... did you know that the ancient Romans thought the state of your reproductive organs is directly connected to what you eat?”

“The... what?”

“And that's why you should have this. So that you can be... uh, long and... hard.” Ludwig dug a carrot out of his basket and pressed it into the man's hand. “Have a good day.”

The man burst out laughing and shook his head. “Yeah, sure. You too! Thanks!” He kept the carrot and began to walk away, trying to suppress his cackling.

“You didn't ask for payment,” Vash and Roderich said, both looking irritated.

“Oh. I'm sorry. I focused too hard on not feeling embarrassed.”

And so it went on. There was a permanent blush on Ludwig's face, and he stumbled with his words whenever someone decided to play along and asked him stupid questions. But he marched through it with determination that Lovino couldn't help but admire because he knew he'd never be able to do the same.

“I bet you now regret that you picked Ludi as your bestman and not me,” Gilbert said and threw an arm over Roderich's shoulder.

“Hardly.”

“It's not like I would have had much to do, though. You dress like a total sissy every day anyway. But I bet Erzsébet would have loved to see you in drag. But Vash, you'll pick me, right?”

“After I've seen this? Not a chance. But I have no plans to get married anyway. Weddings are expensive, and I'm just fine by myself.”

“What about you, Gilbert?” Ivan asked. “If you ever get married, you'll have to ask Ludwig to be your bestman since he's your brother. Aren't you afraid he'll take revenge?”

“Revenge? Nah, Ludi wouldn't do that!” Gilbert said, though he did glance at Ludwig in worry, like he was only now realising that his fun might have consequences later.

“I would,” Ivan said pleasantly.

Gilbert clapped his hands together once. “You know what, I think it's time for some beer. There's a bar over there, so I'll go get some for everybody. Lovino, come and help me carry it!” 

“Too much work. Ask someone else.”

“Not me,” Roderich said at once.

“Paul! You!” Gilbert grabbed the man by the arm and began to drag him away. “We'll be right back!”

Ludwig, just done selling some chocolate to a pair of women who hadn't even tried to hide their appreciative glances at his legs, moved to stand behind them. If he thought he could hide, he was wrong as he easily towered over the rest of them, with the exception of Ivan.

“How much longer do I have to do this?” he asked.

“Depends on when Gilbert gets bored, I guess,” Lovino said.

Ludwig made an exasperated face. “That could be within the next five minutes, or never.”

“He'll be back with beer soon. I'm sure you'll feel better then,” Roderich said.

“I get the feeling you're enjoying this as much as he is.”

“You should try to get something out of it. Like you said, there's no telling how much longer this will go on.” 

However, luck was on Ludwig's side. Gilbert and Paul came back empty-handed and said the people at the bar hadn't wanted to let them take their beer glasses outside the establishment, so if they wanted to drink, they had to go inside.

They decided this was a good time to end the first part of the show and move elsewhere to the bar Gilbert's friend owned. Ludwig got to change back into his clothes, but just like everyone else, he kept the ears. Lovino briefly considered throwing his to the trash, but as much as he loathed them, he didn't want to be the odd one out in the group.

Now that they were sitting down and having something to drink instead of laughing at Ludwig's misfortune, there were more chances to talk to the others. He decided to slip to the farthest corner of the table with Roderich because he knew him already and was hoping they'd find something to chat about. Vash seemed to have the same idea, or maybe he just wanted a bit of peace and quiet.

“So, uh, are you two cousins, too?” Lovino asked.

“Yes. Our mothers are sisters. I grew up here with the others, but my family moved to Konstanz when I was thirteen,” Vash replied.

“That's right next to Switzerland, right? Is that why you speak Italian?”

“Not really. Languages just stick in my head, so I decided to study them. I work as a translator. You're some kind of ice cream guy, right?”

“Yeah, my family owns a shop,” Lovino said a little defensively. He didn't normally care what anyone thought about his job, but everyone in Gilbert's family had such fancy professions that he was beginning to feel like an idiot. He hoped he wouldn't have to tell them he had no degree of any kind.

They spent the next few moments trying to get to know each other a little better. It turned out Vash spoke not just German, Italian and English but French and even Romansh as well, though the latter was only a hobby to complete the set. The conversation flowed surprisingly nicely considering that he was talking to a German, but that changed as soon as Lovino made the mistake of asking Vash about his sister.

“Why do you want to know about her?” he asked.

“Just asking!”

“Yeah, well, she's got a boyfriend, so –”

“No, she doesn't,” Roderich cut in.

“Hey! She's your cousin! Whose side are you on?”

“Definitely not yours if you're still treating her like a child.”

“She's only twenty!”

“Exactly my point. Besides, I'm sure Lovino was just making polite conversation, which seems to be beyond the capabilities of some people around here.”

“Y-yeah! And I'm taken!” Lovino snapped. That made Vash at least drop the topic, though Lovino suspected he still thought of him as an Italian slime ball who was only coming to the wedding to seduce his sister. Asshole.

He tried to order some wine, but Gilbert forced him to have a huge glass of beer, telling him that anything else would have been a crime. The beer wasn't bad, but there was so much of it that Lovino decided one was enough for him.

“So, second to last night of freedom, Ludi! You should do something great before it's too late!”

“You make it sound like there are no commitments or responsibilities in a relationship before marriage,” Ludwig pointed out.

“Silly me. It's _Kati's_ second to last free night because she'll soon be chained to you and your rules. Already written a duty roster for chores?”

Ludwig glared at his beer. “We've had one since we moved in together. You should know. I asked your opinion on it.”

“Right, you did! Haha, I totally forgot! But what if she tells you that you can't drink beer anymore or stuff like that? Some women turn out to be total tyrants once they get a ring on their finger!”

“My sister is not like that,” Ivan said at once. “If someone should be worried, it's her. If I think you aren't treating her right, I'll take her back.”

“Yeah, right! Like she was ever yours to begin with,” Gilbert said.

“She's my sister.”

“So? You're starting to sound worse than Vash!”

“Don't fight,” Ludwig said.

“He started it! And don't tell me you're okay with him talking like that.”

Ludwig glanced at briefly at Ivan. “I'm sure he didn't mean it that way. Besides, I tolerate a lot from family. You know that better than anyone.”

Ivan smiled at that, but Gilbert looked like he wanted to grab the bowl of crisps on the table and turn it over on his head. He didn't, and Lovino began to realise that the best way to deal with Ivan was not to start a fight with him because he was good at making it look like he was innocent.

The rest of the evening was spent drinking, sharing funny stories, but the later it became, the more often the others switched to German. Lovino didn't mind. Roderich was polite enough to talk to him in English every now and then, and it made him feel content to watch Gilbert having such a good time.

“Vash, move,” Gilbert said some time later, squeezing himself between him and Lovino. “I want to sit with Lovino.”

Lovino wrinkled his nose. “You're drunk.”

“No, I'm not. I haven't even started!” Gilbert gulped down the remains of his beer and slammed the glass on the table.

“You probably shouldn't have any more. We're taking the tram home, and I don't want to see you puke all over the place.”

“Haha, don't worry. I know my limits!”

“No, you don't,” Roderich said.

“Fuck you. I do. I want another beer!”

And he had more, becoming happier and more talkative with each. He began repeating the same stories he had already told, more exaggerated every time, and laughed at all of his own jokes like they were the best in the world. That was something he did all the time anyway, even sober, so at first Lovino wasn't bothered by Gilbert's increasing drunkenness. He wasn't even the worst in the group.

But then he felt his hand slide to his thigh under the table. First, he just moved it aside without saying anything so that nobody would notice, but it was back soon.

“Cut it out,” Lovino said in a low voice, switching to Italian to be sure. 

“Just having a little fun.”

“Have it elsewhere!”

“Come on, what if I miss you?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I'm right here.”

“Yeah, but I miss this,” Gilbert said and gave him a squeeze.

“Stop! You're going to get us into trouble.” Lovino glanced at Vash who was drinking his beer with a neutral expression on his face, not even looking at them even though he must have heard what they were saying.

Lovino gave Gilbert a shove to the shoulder. “Stop being an idiot. Go to the bathroom and wash your face.”

“If I go first and wait a while, will you come, too?”

“Like fuck I will. Now go!”

After some whining, Gilbert picked himself up from his seat and began to make his way to the bathroom. Lovino could hear him hum to himself as he went, totally unaware of how he had been acting. So much for his awesome self-control.

He cleared his throat and turned to Vash. “About that –”

“I don't care. I'm not getting involved in anything you two have going on. As far as I'm concerned, you were talking about gardening,” Vash said, keeping his eyes on the opposite wall.

“Uh, okay.“ Lovino wasn't sure how to take that. At least Vash wasn't having a screaming fit, but that wasn't exactly an encouraging reaction either. “You know, I think I'll hit the toilet, too. Because... because I've been drinking so much! My bladder is going to burst!”

He almost ran from the table, hoping that everyone else was too occupied to pay attention to him. He found Gilbert in the bathroom, leaning against the sink.

“Oh, hey, you came,” he said and wiped some water off his face.

“Not because you said I should! You realise that you just told Vash that we're a couple, right?”

“Huh?” Gilbert blinked, and this piece of news seemed to get through to him better than the cold water had. “Shit. I guess I did. How did he take it?”

“I don't know. He said he doesn't want to have anything to do with it.”

Gilbert let out a weak chuckle. “Heh, makes sense. He's bit of a conservative stuck-up. But he shouldn't cause us any trouble. I guess.” He ran his fingers through his hair and began to laugh.

“You're drunk as shit.”

“So are you!”

“No, I'm not. I barely drank anything because your beer is like an old woman's piss. Anyway, you want to get back there? You could try to explain it to him.”

Gilbert shrugged. “Nah, I'll call him tomorrow when I have a better control over what I'm saying.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I don't want to talk to him about that at Ludi's party. But let's go back before he gets any ideas.”

Lovino had a hard time getting back into the mood after they returned, and kept glancing at Vash and trying to read his mind. He just drank beer and bickered with Roderich about hotel room prices, so if he was harbouring ill will towards them, he wasn't showing it.

All things considered, he was glad when Roderich announced that he wanted to get back to his hotel because that gave everyone else the push to start wrapping things up. Ludwig asked the owner of the bar to call Roderich a cab, and the rest of them began to gather their coats and head for the nearest train and bus stops.

“I could have stayed for much longer! Let's have an after-party!” Gilbert hollered.

Ludwig looked at Lovino. “Should you get a cab, too? Will you make it home with him?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” Lovino had asked Gilbert in advance what tram they had to take since he had suspected he might end up being the one taking the other home.

“I can help. I'm going in the same direction,” Ivan said. Apart from the faint blush on his face, he didn't seem to be at all affected by the alcohol he had drunk, even though Lovino was sure he had had more than anyone else.

“Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

Gilbert's drunkenness always followed the same pattern. Once he had run out of energy by talking and laughing as much he could, he fell into a restless sleep and kept mumbling things to himself. Lovino thought back to the time when Gilbert had blurted out he loved him when he was still pretending to be straight and hoped that nothing similar would happen now.

They had luck and the tram arrived almost as soon as they reached the stop. Lovino's feet were aching like he had run a hundred kilometres, so he was glad when they all got seats.

“The party was nice,” Ivan said.

“Yeah.”

“This is the first I see Gilbert since he went missing. I wanted to see him in December, but he was too busy.”

“So, uh, did you two get to know each other through Ludwig and Kati or what?”

“No, we actually went to school together for a few years. I tried to stay in touch afterwards, but sometimes people just drift apart. I was very surprised when my sister started going out with Gilbert's brother. Maybe it was fate.”

Gilbert chose that moment to start snoring and collapsed against Lovino's shoulder, but he acted like he wasn't even there.

“You like him a lot, huh?” he asked.

“It's never boring when he's around. He amuses me.”

“Really? I don't think he's half as funny as he believes.”

“Oh, that's not how I meant it.”

Lovino wasn't sure whether he wanted to ask just what he had meant and decided to change the subject.

“Gilbert told me you're an insurance salesman.”

Ivan smiled. “Yes. It's very satisfying work. At first nobody wants to buy anything, but then I tell them what horrible things could happen in life. They always change their mind.”

“I wouldn't know. I hardly have to convince people to buy my stuff.”

“Yes, I think selling ice cream makes people like you more. I want to see that. I'll come and work a day at your store when I visit Gilbert some time.”

“S-sure.”

Their stop came soon, and he dragged Gilbert off the tram car. Ivan waved at them from the window until he could no longer be seen. Lovino let out an exasperated sigh and turned to Gilbert.

“Come on, dumbass. Use your damn legs. We need to get to bed.”

“Mmm. It's cold.”

“Yeah, that's why we have to go!”

He let Gilbert lean on him as they half-walked and half-stumbled down the road. Ivan had said he could help him bring Gilbert home if he wanted, and now he began to regret that he had declined. They wore heavier clothing than he was used to, but the temperature was already biting into his skin. Fuck, he hated winter.

The house was dark when they arrived and Lovino had to fish the key out of Gilbert's pocket. Gilbert giggled in a way that made Lovino blush in embarrassment. He wondered how to get him to bed when he was on the verge of passing out like that.

“Come on. Let's not wake up your parents,” he said after he had taken off both their jackets.

Thankfully, the stairs didn't creak when they walked, and Gilbert seemed to know the way by heart, so they didn't walk into a wall even in the dark. Lovino was just about to push open the door to Gilbert's room when he heard a sound behind them. One click and the lights in the hallway were suddenly on.

“Nggh,” Gilbert moaned and hid his face against Lovino's chest.

“You're back,” Gilbert's father said. He closed the door to the bedroom behind him so that the light wouldn't wake up his wife.

“Sorry! Did we wake you up? We didn't mean to.”

“It doesn't matter. I'm used to it.” 

Lovino remembered what Gilbert had told him about his father catching him every time he had tried to sneak into Ludwig's room. He had to be one heck of a light sleeper.

“I'll just take Gilbert to his room and get to bed!”

Gilbert's father gave his son a scrutinizing look. “I hope he didn't make a fool of himself. I didn't expect him to come back this drunk.”

“It was a fun party,” Lovino explained. However, he suspected Gilbert's last minute drinking spree had been so that he could momentarily forget how he had acted in front of Vash. What an idiot. Depending on how generous he was feeling the following morning, he'd either bring him coffee to bed or bang two pots together right by his ear.

Gilbert's father said nothing, only stared at them. After a few seconds, Lovino began to feel uncomfortable and started pushing Gilbert towards his room so that they could escape. Fuck, what was going on? The previous day, he'd cooked with Gilbert's father and they'd got along pretty well. Had something happened that he didn't know about?

“Wait,” Gilbert's father said.

“Y-yeah?”

“Do you think that... Has Gilbert...” He paused, and now it was his turn to look uncertain. Lovino couldn't help but think how utterly wrong that expression was on his face.

“Has Gilbert what?”

“Never mind. It's not important. Make sure he gets to bed. We don't need him catching a cold right before the wedding.”

Gilbert's father turned off the light and returned to his bedroom. Lovino spent a brief moment wondering what was up but then decided that, fuck, he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. He brought Gilbert to his room and put him to bed, ignoring his drunken mumbling and whining when he had to struggle to take off his clothes.

Even after he had tucked him in, Lovino remained by his bedside and watched him sleep. There was nothing sexy about the situation, but it was the most intimate the two of them had been ever since they had come to Germany. He knew he should go because Gilbert's father might otherwise wonder what was taking him, but he wanted to stay a little longer.

He reached out to scratch him behind the ear, but Gilbert was sleeping so deeply that he didn't react. He reeked of beer and sweat and peanuts, which was a combination that would have made Lovino throw up just some half a year ago, but now it was tolerable. But not that tolerable that he wouldn't tell Gilbert to take a shower first thing in the morning.

Liking someone rots the brain, he thought. He let his hand fall on the pillow and spent a moment just listening to Gilbert snore. Damn, he was starting to imagine what it would be like to crawl under the covers with him. Maybe the beer was getting to him, too.

It was starting to feel like the right moment to leave, so he turned off the light and retreated into Ludwig's room. He tore off his clothes in a hurry and dove into bed, pulling the covers up to his chin. Ugh, Gilbert must have got his disgusting stench all over him because he could still smell it.

They had been in Germany for only a couple of days, and he was already missing being close with him. He needed more than secret pecks to the lips when nobody was looking or holding hands on the bus. Not necessarily full-on sex, but he wanted to touch Gilbert, and Gilbert to touch him.

He felt heat rise to his face when he imagined what he'd do to him, and his hand had already travelled down between his legs before he realised that there was no way he could jerk off in Ludwig's bed. He'd die of embarrassment if he stained something because then whoever washed the sheets might know – and he was sure they would because he had rotten luck and these people were such control freaks.

Fuck you, Gilbert, he thought in frustration and buried his face into the pillow.

***

Soon, it was the day of the wedding. Ludwig and Kateryna were going to have an Orthodox ceremony because religion was more important to her side of the family. Like everyone else, Lovino got out of bed early, but after that all he could do was make himself ready and watch how the others made sure nothing had been forgotten.

“It sure is stressful to get married, and I'm not even the groom!” Gilbert said and came to sit with him on the couch. “Poor Ludi. I talked to him on the phone. He sounded like he's got a kidney stone.”

“What's he so worried about? That Kati will dump him at the altar?”

“Nah. Knowing him, he's scared the ceremony might run a minute late or something silly like that. He always gets caught up in stupid details. Unlike me. I see the big picture!” Gilbert dug into his pocket and pulled out a plain, white CD case. He brought it to his lips and gave it a loud kiss.

“What's that?” Lovino asked.

“Something that'll make this wedding very, very awesome!”

“That didn't answer my question!”

“Haha, I know. That would ruin the surprise.”

Lovino figured it was something that Gilbert had prepared for the reception after the ceremony. There'd be a band, but it wasn't like they could play non-stop all evening. Maybe they'd listen to the CD while the band was having a break. He could only hope someone besides Gilbert had taken a look at the track list.

He had never been to an Orthodox wedding before, so there was much that was new to him about the ceremony. He hadn't known they'd have to stand all through it, or that the bride and groom would wear crowns during some of it. Ludwig's face was so serious it looked like the fate of the world was on his shoulders, and Kateryna could barely stop herself from crying. If Lovino hadn't known better, he would have thought it was an arranged marriage neither wanted.

He said that to Gilbert afterwards, and the other laughed and said they would loosen up now that the worst was over. And if not, he was sure Ivan had a secret bottle of vodka somewhere that he could borrow to give them both a gulp.

“And dad needs one too,” he added. “He's been worried about the wedding.”

“Really? I never noticed anything.”

“You've only known him for a while. He was clearly fretting these past few days. Even Ludi noticed. Haha, I never though he'd be the type for that! I bet this is the only time in his life that anything has shaken him.” Gilbert leaned back on his chair and eyed the reception hall with a grin on his face. Most of the other guests were still on their way there from the church, so it was nearly empty for the time being.

“I'll go and congratulate Ludwig and Kati now that I have the chance. I don't want to fight for their attention with all the other guests,” Lovino said.

“Go ahead. I need to talk to the band.”

The guests would be seated at long tables with name tags to help everyone find their place. At one end of the room, one table was placed a little higher than the others for Ludwig, Kateryna and their parents. They were all there, going over some details with Natalya. Now that the ceremony was over, the married couple had relaxed enough to smile.

“Hey, congratulations,” Lovino said after reaching them.

“Oh, thank you!” Kateryna said, beaming at him. “And it's so nice you could make it all the way here.”

“No, thanks for inviting me. It can't have been easy at the last minute.” As far as Lovino was aware, Kateryna hadn't been told about him and Gilbert. But if she thought it was weird to invite someone they had only met once to their wedding, she didn't show it.

“That was nothing. We're happy to have you here. After all, who knows if we'd even be having this wedding today without you.”

“What do you mean?”

Kateryna caught Ludwig's arm and leaned closer to him. “I was starting to think he'd never propose as long as we had no idea where Gilbert was. It's partly thanks to you he came back. It just wouldn't feel right if you weren't here.”

“That's... That's not true! I didn't do that much!” Lovino gritted his teeth as he felt his face grow red. He couldn't take that many compliments from such a beautiful woman, and the fact that she was freshly married just made it worse.

“I would have proposed even without hearing from Gilbert,” Ludwig said. “I just –”

“I know. I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty.”

More guests began to arrive, so after exchanging a few more words with Ludwig and Kateryna, Lovino returned to his seat. He had been placed together with some of Ludwig's colleagues from work, which meant he didn't know anyone, but he knew he could hardly expect to get a seat at any of the tables reserved for family. Plus, he assumed even Germans couldn't be so uptight that they'd maintain the seating order all through the evening. There'd be dancing and socializing later, and that's when he'd slip to join someone he could talk to.

He couldn't say much about the entertainment and speeches that were held as he didn't understand more than a word or two. Whatever Gilbert said made everyone laugh, and Lovino smiled along with them because even if he didn't get the meaning, he could hear the joy in Gilbert's voice.

“Hey, Lovino! How are you doing?”

He turned around when he heard Erzsébet's voice. She was wearing a simple but elegant black dress and had put flowers into her hair. By her side stood a young woman Lovino recalled seeing in the photos on Gilbert's fridge. He was pretty sure she was Elise, Vash's little sister.

“It's a nice reception,” he said.

“I was thinking you might be bored, so I decided to introduce Elise to you. You haven't met her before, right?”

“No, I haven't.” Lovino stood up and took Elise's hand as if to shake it, but at the last moment he bent down to give it a kiss. Exaggerated, sure, but it usually got women in a good mood. “But now I have.”

“Stop that! You're worse than Gilbert!” Erzsébet said and hit him on the shoulder with her handbag.

“Nice to meet you,” Elise said and pulled her hand back, looking a little flustered.

Lovino took a look around. “This is a really nice wedding. I thought there might be some trouble since Natalya was such a nervous wreck.”

“That's just because she had to work with Gilbert. I would have killed him.”

“Isn't he pretty organized?”

“Yeah, but he's annoying.” A playful smile appeared on Erzsébet's face. “But I guess you don't think that.”

“Tch. Are you kidding? I can't think of anyone more annoying than him!”

“I don't think he's that bad,” Elise said. 

“He tones down his obnoxiousness around you. You'll see one day,” Erzsébet replied. She tried to rise on her toes, which was nearly impossible with the shoes she was wearing. “Speaking of him, what's going on over there?”

“Where?” Lovino turned to look, too, just in time to see Gilbert and his father leaving the reception hall together. “I guess they have something to talk about.”

“Something they can't talk about here with everyone else around? Must be serious stuff.”

Lovino wondered if something had happened. Gilbert had mentioned that his father had seemed worried before the wedding, and now he recalled the weird behaviour when they had returned from Ludwig's bachelor party.

“I hope nothing is wrong,” Elise said.

Lovino and Erzsébet exchanged a look. Now that Ludwig was safely married, the number one candidate for a problem was the fact that Gilbert had a boyfriend.

“It's probably nothing!” Erzsébet said. “Hey, let's go and have another piece of cake! It's okay to indulge yourself once in a while.”

Lovino wasn't usually one to keep an eye on the time, but now he counted the minutes until Gilbert and his father came back to the reception hall. He shoved the last spoonful of cake into his mouth just as he got a good look at Gilbert's face and almost choked. He was pale as a ghost.

“Oh, fuck,” Lovino muttered.

Gilbert took a few steps towards Ludwig, but then he saw that he was busy talking with Kateryna's relatives. For a moment, he looked like a little boy who had got separated from his parents at a mall, but then he spotted their group and began to march towards them.

“Hey, Lovino,” Gilbert said and grabbed his shoulder so hard it hurt. “Come over here. I want to talk to you.”

Before Lovino had had the chance to do more than yelp in surprise, Gilbert had pulled him up to his feet by the collar of his jacket and began dragging him outside to the same hallway where he had been with his father earlier. He didn't stop until they were outside at the parking lot. That's where Gilbert let go of him and drew his lungs full of fresh air.

“Shit, you look horrible. Did you talk to your dad?” Lovino asked, rubbing his arms because he was already starting to feel cold.

“Yeah.”

“And? What happened? Did you tell him about us?”

Gilbert shook his head. “No. He's the one who wanted to talk.”

“So, he guessed? Damn. I guess I kind of saw that coming, but... Fuck.” Lovino ran his fingers through his hair and muttered a few more profanities. “But it's going to be okay. Whatever he said –”

“No, that's not it. We didn't talk about you and me.”

“Then what happened? You look like you've lost twenty years of your life!”

“Yeah,” Gilbert said with a shaky laughter. “I think dad's dying.”

“What? Did he say that? On Ludwig's wedding day?”

“No! At least, not directly. But he said the kind of stuff to me that I never expected to hear coming from his mouth before he's on his deathbed, if even then.”

“Like what?”

Gilbert shoved his hands into his pockets and swayed back and forth on his feet. “He was being kind of weird. First, he asked me how I felt about Ludi's wedding. Of course I told him it's great! And then he asked me if it bothers me that Ludi has a better job.” Gilbert pulled his hands out and crossed his arms on his chest. “As if! Driving a car is the best!”

“But why are you worried? That sounds like he was trying to tell you that you're just as important to him as Ludwig even though you've... uh, had a trickier way through life.”

“That's exactly it! Dad never says stuff like that! Something's got to be wrong with him, and he's trying to say these things before it's too late. I was going to ask Ludi if he knows anything, but then I realised I can't do that to him today. And dad knows that, too. That's why he's trying to tell me first because I'm the older brother and I'm supposed to be there for everyone!”

“Gilbert! Calm down!” Lovino wasn't sure what else to do, so he grabbed Gilbert's shoulders and gave him a violent shove. “You're being an idiot! Your dad's trying to have a normal conversation with you, so don't read that kind of crap into it!”

“Then why didn't he tell me that when I came home on Christmas, huh? Why now?”

“I don't know. How am I supposed to understand how your family works? Maybe he thought you might be feeling like a failure compared to Ludwig, so –”

“Pfft, what? Never! Just because Ludi's got a beautiful wife and a great job and his finances in order doesn't mean I have to feel inferior to him! I've got stuff he can never have!”

“Yeah, like what?”

“For starters, a bigger dick.”

“Because _that's_ what matters in life, dumbass?”

“It matters a great deal to me!” Gilbert let out a huff, but some colour had returned to his face, so Lovino guessed he was beginning to calm down and see what a fool he had been. “You really think there's nothing going on with him?”

“Well, it's not like I can be sure. I just think he's genuinely worried about you. He wanted to ask me something about you when we came back from Ludwig's party, but then he took it back.”

“Huh, I wonder what that was. This is just so weird. We don't talk about feelings in our family.”

“No wonder you're so emotionally disabled! You must have absorbed that when you were being breast-fed!”

“Haha, look who's talking! You're the one who has to yell whenever you're trying to be honest.” Gilbert crouched down to play with the snow at his feet. “Dad's got no reason to worry about me. I'm fine.”

“Still feels nice, huh?”

Gilbert chuckled. “Yeah.”

“But about what I said earlier... I think he's onto us. Sometimes he looks at me like he just _knows._ Maybe that's another reason why he tried to talk to you. Maybe he thinks you're afraid to tell him the truth.”

“I don't know. He's really big on this facing the consequences of your actions thing. I don't think he'd make it easier on me by giving me hints that he's okay with it.”

“Your family is fucked up. Anyway, do you want to head back inside? And maybe you should let your dad know you appreciate what he said. You looked like you were going to shit your pants when he was done with you, and he's probably wondering what's wrong.”

Gilbert got up and rubbed his hands against each other to clean them. “No way. It's a much better strategy to save that for the moment when I tell him about us. I'll let the old man sweat for a while longer. But yeah, let's get inside. It's getting cold, and I need a drink.”

They joined Erzsébet and Elise again. Erzsébet in particular looked both worried and curious and like she had to bite her tongue to keep her questions to herself. If Gilbert noticed, he did nothing to put her mind at ease. He threw himself on a free chair like the owner of the world and took a gulp of his drink.

“Great reception, huh? Guess who organized it!”

“Ludwig, Kati and Natalya,” Erzsébet said at once.

“Hey! That's not fair! I helped a lot!”

“You were off enjoying your life in Italy while they did all the work here. Don't you dare try to steal the credit!”

“It's not like I lie on beaches or drink cappuccino all day! I work really hard! Ask Lovino!”

Lovino snorted. “Did he tell you about the time he got into a really dumb car accident?”

“No! Don't tell her about that!”

“What car accident?” Erzsébet asked and leaned forward in interest.

After a couple of hours, when everyone was done eating, they moved some of the tables aside so that there'd be space for people to dance if they wanted. The band switched from background music to waltzes and other songs that were easy to dance to. Dancing was fun, so after watching so many others slide on the floor, Lovino decided he was going to join in.

The first person he asked was Erzsébet after Roderich told her that he needed a break because dancing was too exhausting. She was happy to agree, and Lovino quickly realised it wasn't just that Roderich was in bad shape – Erzsébet liked to lead and had an energetic style that left little room for her partner to pick the pace.

From the corner of his eye, he saw that Gilbert was dancing with one of Kateryna's relatives, a woman around their age whose blond hair was tied up in an elaborate bun. He couldn't hear what they were talking, but it looked like they were having fun.

“I bet you'd rather be dancing with someone other than me,” Erzsébet said with a knowing smile.

“Not at all. You're an excellent dancer.”

She laughed. “Please. I'm not stupid.”

“Then you should know why I'm here and not there. But I really don't mind. It would be boring if I could enjoy dancing with only one person.”

“I guess so. I'd die if Roderich was all I could look forward to on the dance floor.”

Lovino danced with Erzsébet one more time, then asked Elise if she'd dance with him. She did, after which she introduced him to some of Katerya's friends she had got to know during the day. He danced and flirted with all four of them because they were pretty and why stop when you got started?

After he had lost count of how long he had spent dancing, he excused himself, grabbed a glass of punch and took a seat to rest his feet. It was getting dark outside, and some of the guests had already left. Those who were still there had long since started shedding their German tight-assness, or, in the case of Kateryna's family, had never suffered from it in the first place. Everyone was getting louder, a few men had taken off their jackets, and some people were visibly drunk. It was beginning to look more like the kind of wedding Lovino was used to.

Two songs later, the band announced that they would be leaving but that the guests were free to use the stereo system on the stage if they wanted more music. Gilbert immediately rushed over there, and Lovino guessed they'd be listening to his mystery CD next.

The music Gilbert had picked didn't stand out in any way – it was exactly the same kind of songs that the band had been playing. Lovino wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but somehow that was a let-down.

The only surprise was that Gilbert didn't run straight to the next girl in line to ask her for a dance. He came over to him instead and took a seat by his side, letting out a sigh.

“Wow, I've been dancing a lot today!”

“Tired?”

“No, just catching my breath for second. I've still got plenty of energy left! What about you?”

“I think I'm done.”

“What? No way! There are still people you haven't danced with! Don't you know it's bad luck to leave a party if you haven't danced with everyone?”

Lovino snorted. “Bullshit. But I guess that means your next partner is Natalya, right?”

“Pfft, as if! She'd castrate me for asking.” Gilbert grew silent and began to tap his foot along the rhythm of the song. Just as Lovino was about to ask if he really thought it was that good, Gilbert got up to his feet and stretched his back.

“Okay, I'm done resting! More dancing now!”

“Tch, be careful not to step on anyone's feet.”

“Don't worry. I'm super talented! Your feet are safe.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

Gilbert grabbed his hand and tugged at it to encourage him to stand up. “That this song is about to end, and I want the next dance with you.”

“But we can't! Look at how many people there are! Your parents are here!”

“Who cares? I want to dance with you. And didn't you see the girls dance with each other earlier? Nobody cared.”

“That was totally different. Don't be stupid!”

Gilbert didn't let go of his hand, and despite his protests, Lovino couldn't bring himself to pull it free. Deep down, he wanted to dance, too, but the mere idea was was making him queasy and nervous. If something went wrong, Gilbert would be hurt and humiliated in front of his entire family. He didn't want to see that. He didn't want to be the cause of it.

“Come on! The song is ending! We have to hurry or everything will be ruined!”

Gilbert pulled at his hand, and despite himself, Lovino stood up and let himself be led to the dance floor. His face was hot. He couldn't feel his feet. His heart was beating so fast he was sure that if a bomb went off, he wouldn't hear it. And all this after he had repeatedly told Gilbert that he wanted them to be more open about their relationship. He didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He was pathetic.

“This is so dumb,” he stammered as Gilbert put a hand on his waist.

“It'll be fine. Trust me.” But even though Gilbert was smiling and had a bold tone in his voice, Lovino couldn't imagine that this was easy for him. What the heck was he hoping to achieve?

The song finally came to its end and the next one started. Lovino immediately realised it was different from all the others. It had a faster rhythm and a guitar in the background, and after only a few moments he realised it was a song he had often heard on the radio back home. But he didn't really care about the song. He was entirely too occupied trying not to stumble in his nervousness and stealing glances at the other guests to see their reactions.

“Well?” Gilbert asked.

“What?”

“Don't you know what song this is?”

“Uh... I can't remember the name, but I've heard this before. Why?”

Gilbert stared at him like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. “Lovino! You're unbelievable! This is our song!”

“Since when do we have a song? And what the fuck is this anyway?” 

“Don't you remember? They played this at Antonio and Belle's wedding!”

Lovino tried to think back to the wedding, but it had been so long that he couldn't remember a single individual song that had been playing there.

“Sorry, the whole thing was so embarrassing that I tried my best to forget it. Did we dance to this or what?”

“No, we didn't.”

“Then why is this our song?”

Gilber grinned mischievously. “Do you remember what happened after we danced? This was playing then.”

“What? You mean how I kissed you and you ran away like a fucking loser? _That's_ what you consider such an important moment for us that it deserves a song?”

“It was a start!” Gilbert argued. “Maybe it wasn't the best, but at least it's memorable. And you know what?”

“What?”

“If you kissed me again right now, I wouldn't run away this time.”

“Stupid! That would be –”

Lovino's breath hitched as he felt Gilbert's hold on his waist tighten before he leaned closer and kissed him. He couldn't respond to it. Oh, fuck, was it really happening? Everyone would see them and – no, he didn't even want to finish the thought.

He wrenched himself free and grabbed the front of Gilbert's suit jacket, but he didn't push him away.

“Gilbert!” he snarled. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Well, I –”

“You planned this! You got this stupid song on CD just so you could pull this off! Is this the way you wanted to come out to your family? By hijacking Ludwig's wedding? Are you fucking nuts?” 

Lovino had no words to describe what he was feeling. He had never seen this coming, and he couldn't believe Gilbert would be so dumb and reckless that he'd do it. Didn't he give a shit about anything? What would his parents think? What about Ludwig and Kateryna? Hadn't he for a moment thought that maybe Lovino didn't want to kiss him in front of all these people?

“I thought it was a good idea.”

“A good idea? Why?”

“I just thought it would be!”

Lovino could see the confidence peeling off Gilbert like burnt skin. The look on his face turned from hopeful to desperate, and Lovino realised that no matter how his family reacted, the worst blow would be if he rejected him now. He swallowed the insults that were threatening to spill out and threw his arms around Gilbert, claiming his mouth with an angry kiss. 

He could kill him later.

“Don't for a moment think I'm letting you get away with this,” he muttered into his ear when they broke apart. Gilbert's fingers were digging painfully into his back, but he ignored it and began for the first time to look around them to see what was happening.

The world hadn't ended. A lot of the guests were staring at them, but he couldn't tell who was angry and who just surprised. They had more space to themselves on the dance floor than before, but only a few of the other pairs had stopped. At least for now, nobody was yelling at them.

He caught Roderich and Erzsébet sitting at a table to their left. She gave them a thumbs-up.

“Let's go talk to my parents,” Gilbert said. He grabbed Lovino's hand and began to drag him along, like he thought he might not follow him otherwise.

“What if Ludwig gets mad at you for causing a scene?”

“What scene? If someone has a problem with us, they aren't going to say it now. The angry phone calls and silent treatment will come later. I just wanted to do it with a bang and get it over with instead of telling everyone separately.”

Lovino thought Gilbert could have at least told his parents in private, but he said nothing because it was at that moment that they arrived at the table where they were sitting. Ludwig and Kateryna were also there, as were her parents.

Everyone was silent as they stopped in front of them. Lovino was afraid to look directly at anyone, so he tried to focus on the napkins. What if Gilbert's parents got mad at them? What if Ludwig and Kateryna thought they were stealing their wedding day? Fuck, why had Gilbert done this? Couldn't he have gone one day without trying to bask in the spotlight? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“Hey, so –” Gilbert started, but he didn't get any further than that. His mother, who up until now had been staring at them with disbelieving eyes, covered her mouth with her hand and began to cry. She scrambled to her feet and started to hurry towards the closest exit, not stopping even when Gilbert called out after her.

Shit, so much for not making a scene.

“I'll go after her. You handle the rest.”

“What? You can't – Gilbert, wait!”

But he was already gone. Lovino wished he could have run away as well, or at least crawled under the table where nobody could see him. Everyone's eyes were on him, and he felt hot and cold at the same time.

“I'm so sorry! I didn't know he was going to do that! I didn't want to ruin your wedding!” he blurted out at Ludwig and Kateryna.

Ludwig cleared his throat. “You didn't ruin anything. Maybe it's a little unconventional, but couples kissing on the dance floor shouldn't be a problem. Gilbert could have done so much worse.”

“There has been so much stress lately that I'm sort of happy everyone's attention won't be on me for a while. I think some of my aunts are trying to see if I've put on any weight and whether that could be the reason we got married earlier than we originally announced,” Kateryna said.

Dammit. These people were too nice. Lovino wasn't sure he would have had it in him to be so understanding if it was his wedding reception and Feliciano made a mess. He looked at Kateryna's parents and found two stern faces staring at him, but he decided he had enough problems without worrying about what they thought. Gilbert's father was a much bigger issue.

“Uh... About that...” he stammered. “I'm sor –”

“You already said that. Unless you're apologizing for something new, I don't need to hear it.”

“No, I've got nothing else.” It wasn't like he was going to apologize for being with Gilbert in the first place, or for not telling anyone sooner. The first wasn't wrong, and the second hadn't been up to him. There wasn't much he could do here without Gilbert.

He glanced behind him at the other guests, most of whom were talking amongst themselves or looking at them. The CD was still playing, so it was impossible for him to hear any of the conversations, not that he would have understood them. Nobody was dancing anymore.

Just as he thought that everything had gone to hell, he saw Roderich and Erzsébet stand up and walk to the dance floor where they picked up right in the middle of the song like nothing had happened. It didn't change the atmosphere in the room, but the gesture eased some of the pressure in his chest.

“Should someone go after them?” he asked.

“Gilbert made his mother cry, so he's going to be the one to deal with it,” Albrecht said.

“But... but that's not right!”

“Give them some time. Sabine will come around. She just had her heart broken because she thought Gilbert was going to come home for good soon.”

“Oh. Uh... What about you? Aren't you mad?”

“Not at you. Gilbert will get what's coming to him.” He gave it a moment of thought and stood up. “Actually, let's go after them.”

Lovino had no choice but to follow him. As they walked through the reception hall, he saw that Roderich and Erzsébet were no longer the only people dancing. He didn't know most of the couples that had got up, but it was impossible to miss Ivan's tall form among them as he invited someone to dance. He'd have to tell Gilbert about that.

It took a while before they found Gilbert and his mother. They were sitting on a bench in the farthest end of the building, near an emergency exit. Gilbert had his arm around her shoulders and was talking to her in a low voice, stopping to chuckle occasionally. She was still crying.

Lovino looked uncertainly at Gilbert's father. “Should I leave?” he asked. To be honest, he didn't really want to be there at all, not before everyone had calmed down and Gilbert had explained everything to his parents.

“Of course you shouldn't. You and Gilbert caused this together. Or are you the kind of man who runs away and leaves him comrades to fight alone?”

Lovino said nothing because he couldn't trust himself not to blurt out that yes, he was a low-life worm who would do just that to save his own hide. He didn't handle stress well, and this disaster wasn't even his fault. 

“Gilbert!” his father said to let him know they were there.

Gilbert nearly jumped off the bench and turned to look at them. “Dad! Help, mum won't stop crying!”

“Is that any wonder after the shock you've given her?”

“I didn't do anything wrong! I don't need anyone's permission to kiss my boyfriend!”

“No, but just once in your life you could think about someone other than yourself!”

“I did! I waited until Ludi got married!”

“That's nonsense. I shouldn't have wasted my time with you earlier because clearly you took it as permission to act however you please!”

Gilbert let go of his mother and stood up so that he could better yell at his father. It didn't take long before they switched to German so that Lovino could no longer follow, though after that the argument sounded even angrier. 

Gilbert's mother was wiping at her eyes and trying to collect herself. She looked miserable. Fuck. This was the opposite of how he had wanted to do this.

His plan was to just stand there and wait until someone told him what to do. That happened faster than he expected because Gilbert's mother suddenly seemed to realise he was there as well. She gestured at him to sit with her on the bench, and after a moment of hesitation, he went to join her.

“Uh... That wasn't... I'm sorry.”

She shook her head. “No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be crying like this. It's not that I have a problem with you, but... but after what Gilbert has already been through, I just wanted the best for him. You understand that, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” And apparently, he wasn't good enough. It was almost funny how a few words from a near-stranger could dig so deep.

“I just want life to get better for him, and being with another man is not that. I have nothing against you, but... I didn't know Gilbert was like that. I didn't even suspect anything! What kind of a mother am I that I never noticed?”

“He's pretty good at hiding stuff. I didn't notice anything before he told me, and I'm the one with some experience in these matters.” Lovino clenched his hands together because he was afraid that they might start shaking otherwise. His parents' acceptance was so important to Gilbert that Lovino honestly wasn't sure if their relationship would survive without it. The knowledge that someone else's approval could have such a strong influence on his life made him want to throw up.

“Oh, what's got into him? Why is everything always so difficult with him? How long have you... I mean, maybe he's not really –”

“He's happy!” Lovino said with a sudden burst of determination. “He wouldn't be with me if he didn't really want that because it would be so much simpler to date a woman. But we're together, dammit, and I'm not going to let anyone make me feel guilty about that like I'm ruining his life.”

Gilbert's mother looked like she didn't know what to say. In a way, Lovino could understand her. Of course she wanted Gilbert to have the best, which probably involved a good job, a pretty wife, a few kids, a big house and a dog. As it was, the only thing from that list he could offer him was the dog, and even that was stretching it because he hated dogs.

“I know,” she said. “He told me. It's just hard to accept. This was so sudden.”

Lovino sighed. He was so, so tired, but he didn't think he'd be able to get any sleep that night. Hell, maybe he should go to a hotel. Staying at Gilbert's parents' place after this would be uncomfortable at best.

“Why didn't you say anything before?” she asked.

“Gilbert didn't want to cause any problems before Ludwig's wedding. But I guess he really wanted to since he couldn't even wait a day after the vows had been exchanged.” Lovino played with his hands as he tried to find a good way to explain what he wanted to say next. “Shit, this whole thing went so wrong. But whatever you do, don't get mad at Gilbert. He was so happy to be home that he won't be able to take it if he's not welcome back.”

“What? But of course he's welcome back! I wouldn't... A while ago I didn't even know if he was alive! Nothing is going to take him away from me again!”

All of a sudden, Gilbert's mother looked like she had thought of something terrifying for the first time – that her reaction could be the force to drive Gilbert away from home again. This time, not because he thought it was the best thing to do, but because he felt his own parents didn't love him.

She moved her eyes from Lovino to Gilbert and his father. The two were still arguing, and Lovino could tell Gilbert was getting frustrated. It wouldn't take long before he'd either walk away or hit his father, or both.

His mother must have seen that as well because she snapped something at the both of them, which immediately stopped the fight. She proceeded to talk to them in German, angry at first but her voice gradually softening until Lovino was sure she would start crying again. Gilbert looked like he wasn't far from that either, but his father remained as expressionless as ever.

It went on for a little bit longer, and then Gilbert's mother stepped closer to him to pull him into a hug. He buried his face against her shoulder and held onto her like he thought she'd step back otherwise. They exchanged a few muttered words before pulling apart and turning to Gilbert's father.

He shook his head, probably to indicate that he didn't want a hug. When he spoke, he no longer sounded like he was angry, or at least any angrier than usual. Whatever it was that he said, it seemed to take away some of the stiffness in Gilbert's form.

Next, things moved fast. Gilbert's father told him that it was time for them to get back inside because the groom's parents couldn't just disappear like that. It was like a switch had been flipped; he and his wife were suddenly back to be efficient and organized. Maybe it was a defence mechanism, or maybe they really were that effective about controlling their emotions.

“What the hell just happened?” Lovino asked once he was alone with Gilbert. “Wait, no. That's not what I want to know first. Are you okay?”

Gilbert let out a long breath. “Yeah,” he said and came to sit down on the bench, collapsing onto it like his feet were about to give in.

“Really? Don't lie to me.”

“I'm not lying. I'm just having a time-out to think about what just happened. Phew.”

“Your father sounded like he wanted to kill you.”

“Haha, yeah. He didn't like my way of telling everyone about us. He said it was selfish and irresponsible.”

“But he didn't have a problem with us being together?”

Gilbert shrugged. “I don't think so. I'm sure he would have said that if he did. He was ready to bite my head off. He said I always let my impulses get the better of me and that's why I went bankrupt and stuff.”

“Shit.”

“Hey, don't make that face! I don't believe a word he says. He always says things like that when he gets really mad. He already told me he didn't mean it after mum made us stop.”

“Did he say anything about what happened earlier? He was so supportive, and now I thought he'd disown you.”

“I guess he was mad at himself, too. Like you said, he guessed what was going on, but he thought he'd wait for me to grow enough balls to tell him myself. He didn't like that I got mum this upset.”

“Yeah, what did she say?”

“That she was sorry she had reacted that way and we should stop fighting. And that she'll need time to think about this. We're going to sleep through the night and talk again tomorrow. I think she was just surprised.”

“Should I check in to a hotel or something?”

“No way! She said you have to stay!” Gilbert stretched his arms above his head and sighed. “I'm pretty sure everything's going to be fine. Though I guess dad had a point.”

“What point?”

“That this was a stupid thing to do. I could have told them tomorrow over dinner or something. But I figured this would be more romantic.”

Lovino couldn't help but snort at the back of his throat. “Romantic? Are you kidding? Now I have another wedding memory about you I'll have to do my best to forget!”

“Are you mad?”

“I was for a while, but I think you've had enough people yell at you today. So just this once I won't tell you what a total dumbass you are.”

Gilbert chuckled tiredly. “I guess we should start heading back inside, too. At least to see how many of my relatives will still talk to me.”

“We don't have to if you don't want to. We could catch a bus and go back to your parents' place.”

But Gilbert shook his head and stood up. “Nah, can't. I would look like a total coward, and that's not awesome. We're going back there, and we're going to dance and have fun! Everyone will see us! I mean, assuming that they haven't already left because I ruined the evening, haha...”

“It's going to be fine. Just be ready to share the spotlight.” Lovino was sure Roderich, Erzsébet and the others were still there, enjoying the reception as if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place.

“What do you mean?”

Lovino shoved his hands into his pockets and began walking towards the reception hall. “Tch, like I'll tell you. It would ruin the surprise.”

“Hey! That's not fair! Lovino!”

Gilbert hurried after him and tried to pester him into revealing his secret all the way inside. He could be so annoying when he wanted, and Lovino almost gave in just to make him stop. But Gilbert deserved a drop of his own medicine, and Lovino wanted to see his face when he realised they wouldn't be alone on the dance floor.

**Author's Note:**

> Pairing details
> 
> Greece/Romano - starts developing in chapter 3; they break up in chapter 26  
> Prussia/Romano - their friendship starts developing right in chapter 1; they become a couple in chapter 33  
> Spain/Belgium - regularly in the background  
> Italy/Seychelles - regularly in the background  
> Germany/Ukraine - referenced a few times; minor scenes in chapters 22-24 and 42  
> Greece/Japan - referenced a few times; minor scenes in chapter 32


End file.
